Starting Chinese Year of the Ox (09)

Date: 25th January 2009
Chinese (Lunar) New year (of the OX)
Australia Day
@ Starbucks, Lotus Shopping Centre, Near the Highway, Nong Khai, North-East Thailand
5.05pm.

Dream

I was somewhere at night, I think it was the centre of Northampton. I passed two of my sister's friends to whom I had been introduced, but I didn't go and say anything to them. I kind of felt guilty about it but realized that I just didn't like their company, so why make the effort? I walked on a few meters to a queue waiting to go over a bridge. In the centre of the bridge there were three of something, I think they were dragons that seemed fairly safe, but they were guarded by two giant stone dogs that had come to life.

I was checking in on a Chinese plane. I was given seat number two, but when I sat there it was right over the driver's shoulder, so I went back and found a hostess to ask if I could move but she didn't understand what I was asking.

Then I sat at some foreign destination. It was an artist's shop that also had an attached restaurant. I looked for a little set of mixed paints but couldn't see them. I sat down at a table to order food. The waitress asked me if I ever go out. I said never but then said that I do. I asked about buying paints, if they had a set of mixed colours in small tubes. They looked, but only had small sets all in the same colour. I thought about asking if there was just a set of primaries, but hadn't seen any myself and so didn't bother.

Interpretation

This dream is about loneliness. I say my sister's friend. They aren't actually people I know in the waking world, but in the dream I did know them somehow and kind of liked one of them on some level – but just like in waking life, I can't be with them, it's conflicting but how I am. Perhaps the bridge is crossing over to something different but I can't get past the demons. Perhaps the pain of previously being a third person (three dragons?). The dragons might represent using spiritual practice to transform myself to something else, but the dogs keep me from them.

Then I was on the plane, seat two. I think being at the very front means being concerned, primarily, with ultimate meanings of live but having no mundane aspect to me. It could also mean, previously, I had the intensity of the time with J. It could well be this as it ended with me passing out on a plane leaving Perth.

At the restaurant, I say that I don't go out, but I do. I do, go out but not as a euphemism for going out and living life connected to people somehow. All my paints are the same colour i.e. my experience and what I do is singular; there is no variety that colours my experience.

---

I seem to have meaningful dreams on Chinese New Year now, perhaps my unconscious has started a tradition?

I think the Chinese celebrated over the weekend, though today is a new moon, and so actually, the New Year starts today, of the Ox.

Here I am, back in Nong Khai. Some bits to report.

I started study of the computing course, M150, that lasts until October this year. There was some worry as I wasn't sure if I'd be able to get access to all the bits that I need to complete it, but not I've made some headway and it all seems doable.

Next, I got my essay back, the social science one I submitted an hour before I left Hanoi. 74%, so I'm back into the 'good pass' realm, up a notch and I'm on course for a 'good overall pass', rather than a clear one. So the study seems in order.

I've been here about a week. I have my long visa, so naturally I'm heading back to Chiang Mai. I don't know why, it's as close to home as I have I suppose, I can use buddies computers to further reduce my possessions, easily submit my essays. I can have lots of places to go to. You know. It will be OK for a time. Of course, there's only a horrible, direct bus, so I'm on the train down to Bangkok tomorrow, and perhaps I can just relax there for a bit I suppose. It's a second class berth, so I must look up how that is, but it's twelve hours, and it can't be worse than the sleeping bus.

The main news, not good, is that the Nikon camera I started using when the Olympus went down in Hue, wasn't actually taking pictures. Of course, the screen is cracked so I didn't know. Insanely, I've got the Olympus working, so I have no pictures of going to Hanoi, or Vientiane. I mean, I didn't really enjoy any of this time or have any significant experience, and it's actually only since Jan 1st, which is three weeks. I had those cameras a long time. I got the Olympus just after I arrived back in England... or was it later, no, it was later, but it owes me nothing. I remember living in Globetrotter in Hammersmith and I had that thing.

I must shop generally, my bags are ripped. the big one is so bad the airline made me sign a disclaimer when I took it on. The shoulder bag is wholly broken so that the flap just hangs down and people keep running up to me thinking I've just been robbed. I could also do with an electric heating element, knife, sun hat, shirt, beaker, night-light, torch, summer trousers, and just those things, I think a computer battery might be handy, or just an extension cable? Expensive time. Baht are up, I think it's 48 to the pound, as opposed to 62 when I started. 29% isn't it? I've economised. I'm in a simple room with the toilet outside. I only drink water when I'm out and have all meals at home. I'll have to have a few snacks somewhere when I leave Nong Khai, I suppose. Basically, I must just get on, you know?

Well, that's it. I have to correct some uni notes, go shopping, there's wifi at home so I can book the accommodation, check what the train will be like, I'm very tired recently, perhaps the change in heat? Yes, so I'll just get on. Must do the magic also. Good, Good really; I'm not complaining.

Date: Wednesday 28th January 2009
Sawadee Guest House, Meechai Road, Nong Khai, North East Thailand.
12.10am Local Time

Dream

Someone gave me some snuss (Swedish lip tobacco).

Interpretation

Possibly my unconscious isn't happy with my current habit of using ordinary smokes as lip tobacco.

---

I really am on a bad run... for quite some time right now.

There are no trains across Thailand, only up and down, which would mean going via Bangkok. The flights which I took last time, are now finished, I would have to fly down and up. Ugh, it's so hard getting information.

Two days ago, on the twenty sixth, I went to get a ticket to Bangkok. Last time I was in Nong Khai I tried to walk to the train station and ended up standing facing a brick wall at the end of a cul-de-sec, looking at the train rails beyond and no way to get to them, but then I found out about the flight.

So this time I decided to train. I got all the info but didn't know how to find the correct fare to get to the station. I could ask at Pantawee, but it really is a snobbish place. I've been to the counter a few times and they talk to white couples behind me, as though I'm not there. The one time a guy spoke to me he acknowledged what I was saying, but screwed his face up in disgust when he couldn't understand me.

Anyway, I could try the guest house owner. I'm not sure if he's well. He speaks very loud, but there's a slight pronunciation, like his lower jaw isn't moving so well. He walks by throwing one leg out very far each stride, and he repeats himself and seems to have trouble following what's going on. Fair enough, if he might have some kind of learning challenge. I asked him the correct price and give him his dues, I did get a right answer.

So, I went looking on the Sunday, Chinese New Year, but there was no one to take me.

Next day I got it... but was overcharged, of course. Got there and sat and thought about it. Looked at my notes. Made a decision. I went to ask. It's a small station and there was only one guy there, he was playing with his phone and didn't look up for the whole transaction. Yes, there was a lower berth for the next day. The price was OK, but when I said I wanted it, he just gave me a ticket from under the counter, rather than printed one out. So I looked at it carefully. It was due to leave the day after the issue Date, male, lower berth, second class, so, I thought, OK, and paid about twenty pounds.

I was ripped off for double price going to Lotus, and sat with a glass of water, the only thing I drink when out since the exchange rate collapsed. I suddenly thought the Dates were wrong, and checked it again, but no, it was OK as it left the day after it was issued.

You know what's coming don't you. I was on line at night, in bed as I am now as there's wifi here, and got confused as the websites wouldn't let me book it for the day I would arrive, and so I checked Google calendar. The train had left that day. I.e. the issue/purchase Date was the day before I bought it, so in other words it was for the same day, though I had asked for tomorrow. I think I was further thrown as Chinese New Year, when I wrap some things up, has a different celebration day to the actual New Moon, which is what I observe.

There was nothing I could do. Next day I went down and had to go to the atm. I tried to ask the owner, but he didn't understand what I was saying, he just drooled and shouted that it had gone (I was actually asking about refund policy). Suddenly my compassion for whatever he faces in life went and, for a moment, I was just plain irritated. I asked for advice on the message boards, but of course, it's my fault. One should always pay extra attention when a person you are dealing with is obviously paying none. Also, a golden rule, is to always be sure of the Date, i.e. todays Date, when you are off to buy a ticket. I was aware, in a way, I knew it was the day after Chinese New Year, which would make it the twenty sixth. I don't know, I just expected to be given a ticket which was issued the day I was buying it. It can't be a scam, because it was technically a ticket for forward Dated travel, at least, I don't think it was a scam. Look, I'm repeating myself, it's driving me mad (not really, I'm multi-tasking).

Anyway, what is going on. Really, travel has been a mess since I started slipping up in Hue. It's just sidetrack after balls up. But even before that, there was a lot of trouble in Nha Trang, hurting my foot, hurting myself generally, all the trouble I had, and then in Saigon, and I didn't settle in Sihanoukville. Basically, I haven't enjoyed the trip since I left Chiang Mai. I'm happy and grateful with life, just the travel hasn't gone well. So, what does that mean?

I think, for example Vietnam, I enjoyed it the first time; not this time. The first time I was doing as I pleased and trying to find out how to do a degree. This time I'm doing a degree and I have deadlines and it puts pressure on me. Now, I have to have wifi on certain days, and I have to stay still and settle for a few days in places that have a place I can concentrate and work, and Vietnam has few of those.

I think also the astrology might be bad. I have positive aspects, but Pluto is sextiling Neptune, which is causing all the misunderstandings. Also, Pluto tends to strip out all the things which aren't working in life. I think constantly moving isn't working as it once did. But also, when it was hard in Vietnam perhaps I idolized Thailand as this great place where it is all civilized and I can come back and work. And it is good, but I was thinking it is really as close as I have to home.

But strip out the dross and look at the situation, it's hard travel, the locals rip you off and I really only loved Chiang Mai. You can't say you've found the place you want to be if it is just one city... and I had my rough moments there. My God, is it just TV I miss!

Does travel still work for me? Is that what Pluto wants me to look at. I'm open to look at anything. But, what is the alternative. I can't afford England; I'm certainly not happy there and wouldn't be able to afford the degree. I guess, even at my age, I'm still looking around for where I belong, and perhaps considering that it's nowhere? Perhaps I should just be happy like this. I don't know, but that's the case for now.

Oh, I was the woman from Happy Internet in Pantawee today. She helped me get my sim last year. She was, back then, online flirting with this guy from Birmingham and was using me to make him jealous. Well, he's here now, running a pizza van outside her place. She pretended not to see me, which is fine, but nice to see her again. She looks really well.

I got bitten by a dog again today. I was out on the main road towards the highway and it was sleeping beneath a food stall. I had passed it but it suddenly woke up and I didn't see it until it was sinking its teeth into me.

I've checked the astrology. Most of the transits are going on until the end of the month. Perhaps I should hang around? I thought of busing across central Thailand. I can make it in three trips. I went today but the guy wanted three fifty and no ticket, which I think might be wrong as the first leg is Kong Kaen, just three hours away. There was a couple there with tickets for three fifty and I think perhaps to Bangkok, but they were Italian and didn't speak English. It's so hard to find independent, truthful advice. Just to get things clear in my mind, let me list my options:

1. Go slowly, from here to Udon thani one hour, two hours to Kong Kaen, six hours to Phitsanulok, another six to Chiang Mai. Disadvantage, in Udon I'd stop at the wrong side of the city and there's no prebookable accommodation, I'm not sure if there would be a bus straight to Kong Kaen and which station it would leave from, I don't know when the air bus to Phitsanulok leaves, awkward.

2. Bite the bullet and buy another ticket to Bangkok, then come up to Chiang Mai. Disadvantage, two twelve hour trips, expensive, having to stay in expensive Bangkok when I have no especial reason to be there.

3. Skip Udon, disadvantage, I might be being ripped off on the direct bus.

Oooh, I actually don't have so many options do I? I think I should wait it out for some time. It's quiet here, there's no great place to go, but if the stars are bad. I think tomorrow, I'd feel more confident if I had more info, like maps drawn, various hotel possibilities, bus and rickshaw prices and walking routes for most of it. So, it'll be three days or so of snarling dogs and just sitting in front of the computer. But I think if I make a concerted effort to get more info. If I do that for most of the day, then see if there's any chance of printing any maps out. It'll be an experience at the least, and I suppose I'm OK right now, I have my study and rent is just 200, not so much more than Chiang Mai... if it hasn't gone up there.

I wonder how A. is? Of course, I dareden't phone her with the stars like this.

Yes, everything is sqewiff at the moment, but it could be much worse and I'm happy, I suppose. I'm busy aren't I. Tomorrow, I'll stay around here. I'll see if there is somewhere I can plug in downstairs. Perhaps if I eat somewhere different as I'm in such a routine. If I make noodles also at night, rather than just economy bread and butter. I'm doing better magic now, and can perhaps do some down by the river. How about Mutmee. I know they were rude last time, but I'm such an unforgiving person, and there's nowhere else. I should perhaps give them a second chance, just so I can do something different. Then at night, I don't know. I only will be sans beans, god, there must be something else I like. You see, I feel overwhelmed when I try and move forward without enough information. I must study, my university work and my route, plan a b c d and e and then stride forward more confidently. And, I could at least phone a couple of places to try and book accommodation; I have a mobile signal again, that's something I can bear in mind. Yes, stop whining. I'm lucky, my life is lonely,but blessed.

OK, I'm go to sleepychops.

Date: Wednesday 4th February 2009
Sawadee Guest House, Meechai road, Nong Khai, North-East Thailand.
1.30pm

Dream

I was walking along practicing magick as I went (inner-mental type), in a carefree and joyful way.

Interpretation

Literal.

--

I'm leaving, finally, in half an hour.

Oh, it's been a wrench. First, I had to find out where the potential hotels are, then what the buses would be like to try and judge if I could take it, then I decided to just skip Udon as surely I can take a three hour journey, now I have second thoughts, mainly because the bus is so cheap. I went out today and got a ticket with a company called 407. I've looked at their buses in passing and it seemed bearable... though cheaper than my research indicates. I've saved 200 baht over the tout price (what they were asking at the bus entrance). Anyway, it's done now. If it's that bad... I don't know. I just won't get on.

I went over to Mutmee over the past three days, just to hang about; it's a guest house/restaurant. It's the main place everyone raves about and I went there last year and just didn't get it. This year, because I've just been to fast food places, I walked in determined to get served and at least try it. I did get it, basically I asked, they have no waiting service, you go to the kitchen and write down what you want. So then I had a really nice place to sit and work in the evening.

Anyway, I'm off now; I'll go toilet. Sad in a way as they're friendly enough here. Guess I'll be back.

Date: Friday 6th February 2009
Chaipat Hotel
Khon Kaen, Issan, NE Thailand
11.35pm

Great, so now I'm trapped somewhere else.

Actually, the bus was fine. It was just a standard AC bus with no frills. I had two seats to myself. I listened to some podcasts. I studied the Linux mind mapping software vym. We got to Udon and I wasn't sure if I could get off but stayed on and arrived OK. I was listening to Gill when we arrived, so I walked off with my earphones and continued listening, then went looking for the hotel. I found it straight away, unfriendly and more expensive than I thought, but I checked in and went to KFC.

Next day I went to the tourist office and asked about the buses to Phitsanulok and she gave me a sheet, two in the afternoon was best, lots of companies, just ask anyone and it was all easy. So I went off to the station, and queued at the first place, but that was only at Bangkok. I kept asking at other places, but they all kept pointing me to somewhere else, different places, no one going. I found the 407 office and they pointed me to another place yet again. I decided to give up and go to the toilet, and when I went I passed some counters and asked there. There were about six females behind the counter, and they were messing about and joking, one of them was running around screaming at the top of her voice and being chased.

There was an older woman there and I asked her, though she had trouble making herself heard. She didn't speak so much English, and I speak no Thai, but showed her the timetable I got from the tourist board and she crossed out the 2pm time and wrote 9,10,11,12.

I went back to the tourist board to be sure. The same woman explained that there is an air con and non-air con station, she'd given me a timetable for the non-air con station as only here could I go at two pm. She said there would be lots of places to get a ticket, there was two air con buses, one at two pm. and gave me the name of three places, all of whom could sell an air ticket for two pm.

So I walked to the non-air con station, found an information window. I asked the times, 9,10,11,12. I asked for Samba tour or Issan, but no, go round the corner to the counter, where there is Issan tours.

I asked at a window and was directed opposite. I went opposite and was directed back there. I asked for Phitsanulok and was told I couldn't advance buy, and they couldn't say what class the bus would be. I went opposite and say 'Easarn' written on the receipt, which I think is what I was looking for, but she didn't speak English. I went back to the tourist board and she was irritated and phoned for me, and swore that Samba go at two o clock and there was an office there.

I left it for that day. Today I went back and started asking for Samba tour. I was again directed all around the bus station until I ended up in a separate wing in front of a cubical and a man said Samba tour was next door. I went next door and a man said he would escort me to Samba tour, and I was led back to the other building, to Issan tour office.

I walked back to the office that had identified itself as Samba tour and asked about Phitsanulok and was told it only goes at six pm. So, that was today gone.

I've thought about it, and realised that the 9,10,11 that they wrote on my timetable at the air con station was probably the non-air times as that's the timetable she wrote it on.

So, I'm trapped again. If I can only get to Phitsanulok I am near a train station, or perhaps can get a bus up from Bangkok. I checked the astrology (ugh... I wish I didn't believe in it), and I'm near the zenith of the Pluto/Neptune transit, and there's not much I can do about it.

Anyway, my options are:

1. Take the evening bus to Chiang Mai AC

2. Take the evening bus to Chiang Mai and get off at Phitsanulok early in the morning

3. Take the non-ac bus from whoever I can get it from

4. Go via Bangkok

If I go for number one, I still will have trouble knowing the company, and stuff.

The bus station in Phitsanulok is outside town I think, or not in the centre, though I can't find a map with a scale that includes the station, just an arrow showing it's direction.

I think better is if in the morning tomorrow, I go and get the ac times, then actually go back at that time and look at the buses and see the names of the companies, or ask them and where to get a ticket. I'll have to hang around the bus station for an hour or so I suppose... perhaps the Chiang Rai bus goes via Chiang Mai (though I doubt it).

One advantage is that I will save an accommodation night.

I've got quite a bit of study done since I've been here. It's a boring place I suppose... but where isn't? All this work to get to Chiang Mai... and the thing is, I don't even want to be there. In my mind, it would have been better to make it through Vietnam. What is the advantage of making it there. Here, I study in Starbucks and walk around the shopping centre as I'll do there. There were more eating options... but I don't really eat out since the exchange rate downtown. I can treat myself sometimes. What are the advantages of going to Chiang Mai at this point?

• More places to eat

• More places to work

• More blasé people

• More travelers' scene

• Nice walk everyday

• Cheaper monthly accommodation rates

• Easy onward travel options

• More English spoken

• Can get a phone card and speak to A regularly

Ugh. Well, I suppose also, with a theoretical six month visa, I can stop traveling for a bit and the pressure is off me.

Yes, that's it, think positive, because what's the alternative? I can't stay here, there isn't the accommodation choices, as there isn't in Bangkok. Also, I did want to go and see Pai, finally (even though I only heard about it last year). Don't know if I'll like it, but I think it is something new to see.

That's about it. Could me worse. Still happy with my life.

Date: Saturday 7th February 2009
Chaipat Hotel, Khon Kaen, Issan, North-East Thailand
11.42pm.

Well, I guess I could have done more today, but it wasn't so bad. The room is expensive though.

I paid, then walked to the bus station, the air-con one. A schoolgirl of perhaps eighteen walked with me. She told me she was a famous film-star of the area, and laughed, then told me she was mad, and kind of babbled on. I didn't get so much, other than she feels a compulsion to talk to foreigners when she sees them.

In the station, a uniformed guy came and asked if he could help. This was a better start. I wanted to know about Chiang Mai this time, so he directed me back to the window I had been to before. So, I went and the same women were there, but a bit calmer, so the messing about of yesterday was a one-off perhaps, though they still made it fairly obvious that they didn't like dealing with me.

... and so the story becomes clearer, a little. Samba Tours, which I was asking about (basically because it is the easiest to pronounce) only go Sunday and one other day, perhaps Tuesday, but two others go, also on staggered days, and so it's a daily evening service. They may stop in Phitsanulok, but they were non-committal as to where it would stop... so it might not even be at the bus station.

Then 'the penny dropped', as the ... I don't know, some people say to indicate sudden comprehension. She mentioned the name of the other two bus companies that go... which are the names of the companies the ... idiot... at the tourist board sent me off to the non-air con bus station to look for. They aren't daytime bus companies but the ones that go onto Chiang Mai.

Now, that might not be right... but it might not be wrong.

OK, that's my 'moving on effort for the day' done. I walked down to Macdonald's I like to go to two or three places just for a drink, then I try and get through ten pages of my workbook (university) and if I can do it then I've made a good dent into one of the units. If I try and do them all in one sitting I get fatigued, and so eventually I'm reading the words, but there's no comprehension registering.

Anyway, I went down there and it was Saturday, so far too noisy, so I came back thinking I should do a wash while I have a balcony. The receptionist doesn't like me, but... does anyone? So I came up but the room hadn't been done. I couldn't do it in case they came in and washing isn't allowed, so I did my ten pages here and finished a unit.

Then they phoned and wanted to do it, so I sat outside, then came back in and washed my jeans. It was so warm a lethargy came over me that didn't quite leave me all day. I went out to KFC but the wifi wasn't working. I asked about it and ascertained that it was owned by the shopping centre (the wifi) and so there was nothing I could do about it.

I went shopping, remembering to use my loyalty card, and came back, to the arrogant receptionist and not so much to do. As I had finished a unit, I had planned to work on new things generally, get podcasts for a future journey.

I don't know what to do. Tomorrow is a luckyish day astrology-wise, I say tomorrow, it's today as it's past midnight, the day after is a full moon, the day after that the Pluto transit reaches its exact zenith So it's too expensive to stay here, but not so lucky perhaps leaving right now. I don't know.

The M150 course officially starts today (yesterday). I've already studied the unit and the TMA is released today. Of course, I couldn't download it. So that's that.

Oh, rubbish. I don't know what to do. I have so much to plan and write and start and find out... but I am still present and grateful. I should just make the most of it.

I think tomorrow, I should go and ask about the Chiang Rai bus, as maybe that leaves at a better time... though I doubt very much it takes the same route going through Phitsanulok.

Then it's just a matter of working all day I suppose. Perhaps if I don't bother with Diamond Plaza but go straight to the other one. What if the wifi doesn't work? I must ask about it downstairs, when the receptionist that just dislikes me rather than hates me is on.

Yes. It's not so bad. Perhaps I can do another wash. I must get some vanish stain remover. I hate my clothes. They're all from Tesco and cheap and shabby, even ones you pay a bit more for, my bags all split. I've worn the same nylon trousers for way over a year. Perhaps I can look for something tomorrow? I hate shopping though. But whatever. At least I'm well and have somewhere decent to live.

Date: Wednesday 11th February 2009
Chaipat Hotel, Khon Kaen, Issan, NE Thailand
12.00am

Still here; it's too expensive; I'll have to think about leaving really. Make tomorrow the last day? As I say, I don't want to move on so much... but I think I'd better.

I am getting a lot of stuff done. The essay deadlines approach, but I'm on top of the study, just about. There's so much to do though. I think, a rough plan can be, go to CM for a day and get all my essays sorted out and extend, then have a clear month in Pai, then come down and decide what I want to do. The first month I can sort out the last of the cd's so they're uploaded and I'm not carrying them, then I can upload them from KSK while I'm doing the essays and other work. I can order the study books I need and make the longer-term plan. Off to Pai, and back for shopping and onward travel. Yes, I think this could work?

I'm kind of bored here. Yes, I'll feel like that anywhere I go, but I'm in a routine, which is boring. I get up and pay, go to MacDonald's and study ten pages, go to the toilet in the Diamond Plaza. Walk to KFC. Eat and study ten pages and go shopping down in Topps (remembering to use my loyalty card), then go to Starbucks and type up my notes, then walk home.

But it's not a travelers centre. I eat exactly the same thing every day. I know I'm not looking forward to the bus and the alternative isn't much better, but really, there's no choice. Basically, it's the uncertainty, not being able to find out exactly how the bus will run but having to leave it that I don't know until I actually get on the bus. I asked the oracle, and it said go air con to Phitsanulok... which is the worst idea the way I see it. To go non-ac is darkening of the light, but that could refer to me arriving at the evening.

Ugh. Well, I have the excuse of doing a last wash tomorrow, then I must come back early and I'm done. It's just one day, then either I'm there, or I'm in Phitsanulok with an easy connection.

I had no idea that the travel in Thailand was like this; I've only ever stuck to the main tourist sites.

Date: Saturday 14th February 2009 -- Valentine's Day
Chaipat Hotel, Khon Kaen, Issan, North East Thailand
12.55am.

Yep, still here. But I've done a load of work, all my washing, cleaned one of my bags. I bought little Velcro straps to tie all my electrical leads into neat bundles rather than a big tangle. I laid all my stuff out and am proud of how little I own, and I intend it to be less. Overall good. Of course, tomorrow is Saturday, not a good day to leave bus-wise, but I think if I perhaps go to the station for a Sunday ticket, then I know I'm on the way.

I finished the study for DD122. When I say finished, I read the last book and wrote the last note and typed the last note and corrected the last note I took. Now I have to list all the possible references, make mind-maps, plan essays, research essays, write and submit one essay electronically, send the other hard copy and await my final score. But, I feel some sense of achievement already, of having gone through it all. I started looking at the course material on a bus going down to London a year ago (just a year?), and started properly working at it in South Pacific Coffee Company on Hong Kong Island, and here I am wrapping up. Of course, it's a load of work yet.

And of course, I just realised I have two units of the new course to get done also... so it's all go. If I have a few days in Phitsanulok, then I can have a clear month in Chiang Mai, this lets me get the course fairly clear, guaranteed wifi and decent post. plus receive the other course books, and plan where next. Yes, I think this will be OK, roughly, plus I'm there to receive the paperwork I'll need to apply for next year's funding.

So... it's taking much longer than I wanted to actually get over there, but I'm generally on track for everything.

It bothers me I can't get up and down off the floor (because of my bad leg). I remember for over five years I had trouble getting up and down stairs, and I had a dream about practicing on the stairs in Hari Krishna GH in Delhi as the steps were low and had banisters close by either side, and that worked out and nowadays, I don't think twice about thinking both legs.

So I've been practicing squatting exercises twice a day (without fail) for about four months. When I was in Vietnam in Nha Trang, there were low bars on a window and I could practice going really low.

Today I had a sudden piece of inspiration that I could find a piece of thick elastic, purpose made perhaps, to put the centre over the soles of my feet, hold the ends with my hands, lay on my back and practice and push my feet towards the ceiling (if you see what I mean). That's something In must keep an eye out for in Chiang Mai.

So many things I want to get there:

• Camera

• Phone

• Knife

• Sun hat

• Nice clothes

• Bag

• Elastic for stress exercise

• USB light

• Battery charger

• DVD cull of my cds

Yes, let's make tomorrow my last day, as it will have taken me a month to get to Chiang Mai, although if I have at least seen something new and been in a place free of distractions to finish all this work up. I think it's due on the tenth, the essay I mean, so I can have a couple of weeks on it at least. So... I'm all clear.

Then again... all the planning, new courses to be on and stuff, tickets to arrange, plus I want to start on these books, the ones I want to write I mean. At least life is simple with no friends or possessions. It could be worse.

It's a long time since I spoke to someone though. I think going on five months. I must get a card and speak to A.

Date: Monday 16th February 2009
Chaipat Hotel, Khon Kaen, Issan, North East Thailand.
About half twelve in the morning.

... And so it goes on and on. I went to leave yesterday, determined to follow the I Ching's instruction and buy a ticket from the a/c station, as it would arrive at eleven pm. there's still time to do something. So I went in the morning, but she said it arrives at midnight and couldn't specify where it would stop, other than 'outside Phitsanulok'.

So I, again, walked up to the non-a/c station and there a woman from Easarn was at least nice. There was a second class air bus leaving at two pm, yes it leaves daily. It takes six hours and stops twice on the way, ending at the main bus station in Phit (which I found out is three kilometers away). So, perhaps that is bearable? There's a first class bus... but it goes in the evening.

So I'm packed up, and tomorrow I'm just walking out with my bag, as this is too expensive, plus the wifi has been wholly down for four days now and I'm just about finishing up all the work I can do off line

Before the wifi went off, I looked at my birth chart and transits at www.astro.com. As I recall, there's a long transit, is it with Neptune, that causes self-doubt. That's certainly true today. It came on about an hour ago, from nowhere, like a cloud of general self-loathing descended on me. I felt worthless and useless all of a sudden... I mean more so than I usually do.

Oh, but tomorrow... the bus. The oracle seems to think the start will be OK, but the end is 'darkening of the light' with the interpretation of having been weakened and needed to work on that.

But I recall, it was the I ching that put me here, so perhaps I should just go.

Whatever happens, I'm packed up and am walking out with everything I own tomorrow. I went back to the non-a/c station early evening to get when the buses would start. Six am. which is nuts, but I think there's a ten fifteen. I'll try and go for that. If anything happens, I'll come back for the ac one and just hang about, and if not, to hell with it, straight to Chiang Mai, and if not, then I'll goddamn go to Bangkok. But I WILL leave tomorrow.

Actually, the thought of going to Bangkok kind of does it for me now.... then again, the thought of going anywhere does it for me right now. I just want a change basically I want... something.

I'm going to try and sleep. Thanks for putting up with me, dear diary, as rubbish as I am.

Date: Thursday 18th February 2009
LiThai Hotel, Phitsanulok, Central Thailand.
1.22am

Arrived. Made it. AOK... generally. I've written up what happened to me, as something I'm going to post on a travel message board, but I'll put it here to save me retyping it; it might read a little odd as it includes writing intended for anyone following the route

Next day I arrived at 9.45 and there was no one at the counter. I asked the guy at the next counter and he said no 10.15 bus to Phitsanulok. I went to the counters opposite and they said no bus at 10.15 and no Easarn bus.

Madness. So I left and went to the first bay (the one with no toilets). I was leaving back to the main road, planning to throw myself under a departing bus, die and be done with this cruel world, and passed Somba tour (in the first bay), and saw a sign that said 10.15. I went and asked, yes, yes, YES, Phitsanulok at 10.15. 202 baht. Six hours, two stops, will stop at the main station. Paid, peed, got on.

It was second AC, meaning the exterior was white and orange. padded seats four abreast, tad cramped, I'm 6ft3in and could just squeeze me legs in, but then just put them in the aisle and it was comfy enough. The seats had numbers and I'd chosen my seat from a map on the lady's computer. Approaching the bus they'd put my big bag in the hold but wouldn't take my case. Someone else in a uniform showed me on the bus and the seat numbers were adhered to... so it was quite civilized and OK for six hours. I put my case in the storage above. It was a big bus that said 'Chiang Rai' on the side, and was about a quarter full, though I had two seats. We left about ten minutes late, but God, at least I was going somewhere.

It took about two hours until the first stop. On the way we stopped about three times to pick up people hailing the bus from bus stops but it still wasn't busy. At the main station I got off to go to the toilet, three baht and very clean and nice indeed.

Got back on and it was about two thirds full, but I still had two seats. We stopped to pick up someone about every 20 minutes, but the bus stopped about 50 seconds each time. The road got quite windy and the conductor made me take my case down and put it on the seat next to me.

Two hours later there was another stop. It was a proper station, very quiet, and a toilet option, though I didn't need to go so I just sat there. I think one or two people got on but they all avoided the farang so I had two seats.

Off we went again. I was quite happy by now as we were getting there and I hadn't expected very much but really, it wasn't so bad.

We kept stopping occasionally to let people on, and sometimes off, then five old women got on and it was full. I had to put my case back up. This irritated me as I'd wanted to put it in the hold (it's only dirty washing). When I stood up my trousers were half down and my a*s flashed everywhere and the women stood there laughing. Well, then one sat next to me; she sat there for 20 minutes, then I had to stand to let her out and they all got another eyefull. So, the bus was full at one point, but all seated, no one standing.

On the approach to Phitsanulok, say the last half hour, we stopped every half hour to let people off. We finally pulled into Phitsanulok station. I went toilet, then realised there were no tuk tuks (I haven't seen any in Phit), so I walked back to the main highway we had been traveling on, and (with the station behind me) I turned left (heading west) and walked for about 1.2 kilometers. There the road splits, one rising up to be elevated, one staying at ground level. I stayed on the lower one and then hit the train tracks, and was thus able to orientate myself on the Phit map I had got from travelfish.

OK, so the thing I'd been dreading is done, and wasn't really so bad. I went to KFC at night and the room is OK.

I phoned A. last night. She's OK. Carly got the cheque and hasn't cashed it yet... I think. There's no real news, except the house has been let, to a professor from the University (in Northampton). She seems OK and had been getting my letters... both of them.

Here, I go to Toplands plaza every day. Where ever I go it's very quickly into the same routine. I find the main mall and hang there all day, mostly sitting in KFC and studying. I finished the DD122 study, I mentioned that didn't I. I did one and a half units of the computing course today, a lot of work really. I'm happy staying another couple of days or something. If I make the mind map for 122 and write things I need to research and an outline, I think that might help. I'll have over two weeks, but I'll have to start the other essay soon after. That has to be sent from Chiang Mai again... so it will really be the same routine as last time. So, that's about it.

There was a woman checking in to the hotel when I did; we arrived the same time as coincidence. They took us up to look at the room together. When she spoke to me it's so long since I spoke that I don't think I make sense to native English speakers anymore.

Plus I'm going mad of course I think it's subtle, but a definite step downwards. I have noticed my eyes don't go up anymore. I mean, I can look up if I want to, but have generally stopped looking at human beings. I mean, I rarely have cause to anyway. But I just noticed somehow that I've stopped. So, in KFC, I walk in and my eyes don't come up at all, they go to the menu and I point, salad and fries, no drink. Then when I have to give the money I kind of look behind or look around at inanimate objects, and no one seems to notice; they must think I'm preoccupied or just taking in the environment... like I don't live in KFC now like I lived in Burgerking when I was younger.

I can do this checking in the hotel, any hotel. I walk in and look all around and someone approaches me or I go up to the desk and I ask about the room and if I can see it and I can just keep looking around, and no one notices that I just don't look at them at all.

I don't think I used to do that; though I don't know how it started. Maybe I'll never look someone in the eye again, and is that bad? I mean, if I've been looking at people all this time, it doesn't do me any good. So why even mention it? I guess it's because I noticed the difference for some reason. Even walking around the mall, I naturally focus on merchandise or whatever and people are just passing blurs that I don't see.

So, I'll probably be taking the evening train. I'm listening to an audiobook Cell by Stephen King and am really enjoying it. I'll try and get most of the studying part of the studying done before I leave. There's no rush for Chiang Mai is there? The rent's three fifty here though.

I'm happy and grateful overall, still. It's a good time and I feel good. Despite the morose complaining and stuff; I love life today. Thank you for my day, whoever.

I said 'I guess' somewhere in this post, J. taught me to say that.

Date: Sunday 22nd February 2009
LiThai Hotel, Phitsanulok, Central Thailand.
11.42pm.

Sixteen years to the day that I first left England, and tomorrow in J's birthday.

So... it was a good day. I have my little routine, the routine I fall into one way or another wherever I go. Get up and walk to the main mall, sit in a fast food restaurant, shop and come home; though I am far from complaining.

I walk along the river to get to the Toplands Plaza. It's nice. Yesterday I was attacked my ants, so today I was careful, as I sat under a brick structure and looked at the fawn brown water flowing by. I reflected... generally, and on the day I first left UK in 1993.

I think if someone had have said to me then, leaving the airport (and I often have thoughts like this (did I write about them before)), look, you're going now and it will be an adventure for a few years. You might kind of love and lose but no one will really want to be with you, you'll never really be close to anyone, but, in sixteen years time, you'll still be in SEA, on a fully funded degree course and having never had a job... actually, I don't know what I would have said.

But that's a 'what if', the thing is, what do I say now? I say, what an amazing adventure. Yes, no guarantees, but I'm trying and I have a while to work things out.

I went to buy a ticket; it was booked for today, but I'm going at nine at night tomorrow. I arrive at six in the morning, and it's a long walk in, but it won't be too hot and I can take it easy I suppose. I can finish listening to my audiobook. I can work all day, well, as long as my battery lasts. I think tomorrow, I'll have a drink downstairs and then I can ask about the plug? Then I'll walk up to the post office, then the cybercafe, then Toplands, yes, the time will fly by. Let's hope they'll store my bag here.

I've been thinking about getting a kettle. In the shop, I buy almost the same thing every day. Most things here have too much sugar in for me to eat. So, I have two apples, a tin of beans, a loaf of bread, a half pint of milk, a box of cornflakes, and that's it. The only variation was a tin of olives once (weird variety, couldn't eat them), some salted broad beans, sunflower seeds and watermelon seeds. I mean, I have a vitamin pill and my diet's not bad, but it's not good either. Outside of Thailand, it's similar food, but no beans.

So I toyed with the idea of a cooker, but it will be far too much trouble. But a kettle would make a big difference. I could have noodles daily, which are cheaper and better for me. I could get tea and occasional soups to dip bread in, all this will be better for my health, and wallet. Plus, I could drink boiled water, rather than bottled water, this would pay for itself. Also, I could do a small wash every day, or every other day, in very hot water.

Perhaps I could look into a cooker in the long term, I'll see how it works. Right now, I must try and find a kettle that's acceptable small.

Then I must get new bags. There's such a gap in the huge one I have, where all the negatives used to be. I keep looking at them each time I go out. I must deal with the last of my papers and decide what I'll be doing with the things I want to store, that way, everything I'm carrying will be functional in some way, and often used.

A knife, that's another thing I need, and it will increase the options concerning fruit and so on.

I don't think there's anything else to say. It'll be nice to go in a way... I know I was complaining about Chiang Mai before. Plus, I can't really afford to go out daily now. But there are more places to sit and work, two Starbucks, a kfc, a mickydee. I mean, if this is where I'm at home.

But I'm quite at home in the hotel, well, any hotel. I thought about it earlier. I could be in Europe and buy a cheap caravan and lease the land. I'd never need a visa or to leave whichever country it was in. But it feels wrong. To be in a place that is all mine and nothing to do with anyone else. No one will ever come in. I mean... it just doesn't feel right. I think it's a hard thing to admit that I'll spend all my life in a hotel (or somewhere that feels like a hotel), because that's just not the way things are supposed to be. But, ugh, it's night and I should sleep. It's past midnight. Happy birthday Junko!

Date: Wednesday 25th February 2009
Lanna Thai Guest house
Back of the Night Market
Chiang Mai
1.10am

Made it. Took way over a month, but I'm here. The place is like a magnet isn't it? I came here when I left J, I came here when I was laden down with possessions that needed to be archived. Now I've come because my China visa wasn't ready (or whatever happened).

Anyway, back in Phitsanulok, I didn't sleep for ages. It must have been four or five in the morning when I dropped off.

Got up and checked out. The hotel was well accustomed to Farangs so I could leave my bag off. I went and sat by the river, then wrote a birthday postcard to J and sent it. Then I walked onto Toplands I went toilet and came and used the computer in a cybercafe for an hour and a half, then three hours doing absolutely nothing in KFC. Well, thinking.

I still have all the self-doubt at the minute. I keep thinking back to my past and the things that made me this way, whichever way that is.

I walked back along the river in the evening. There was a bit of life going on, so I went back to the little cafe next to the hotel, for the first time. The food was too sweet to enjoy, but it was AC and somewhere to sit. Then I went to the station.

It was dark, grimy and depressing and I sat there for about half an hour. There was no information in English and the announcements were in Thai. I asked at the ticket window and the train was delayed by two hours. So... I just sat there. I wondered what J was doing on her birthday and I sent her good thoughts.

It became apparent that the security guards were keeping an eye on me and I was directed to another platform, then another one prevented me from getting on the wrong train. Then mine came.

I had a lower berth by the door. Everybody had already bedded down so I got sorted out, then couldn't find my keys, then I just lay there. It was impossibly hot and I had to detach half the curtain to get some air in; but even then it was uncomfortable.

I carried on listening to the novel. The display on my mp3 is broken, been broken now for about two years, but I listened to the first file... and the story concluded after half an hour and I realised that it had actually been the last file. I felt bad my keys were gone, and there was no space to lock anything up. I lie for about an hour and a half I think. Then I just fell asleep. I think I woke at one point and the carriage had become cool and windy. I noticed that most people there were farangs. I fell asleep again, and when I opened them it was light and everyone was getting off. I sent a thought of thanks to my subconscious for waking me, then had a coffee at the station cafe. Then I walked to the night market.

I had two hand drawn maps, one from the hotel website, and one from a travel website, but they contradicted each other. I followed the hotel one and it was wrong, but a driver directed me when I was close. I asked and the room was 500. I said the website said 380 and that is for fan. She showed me a ground floor room, then seemed surprised when I didn't take it. She asked why I didn't want the upstairs room and I could sense that this was a better one so I took it at no extra charge. It's almost what I was paying in Khon Kaen, and has no air con... though it a bit bigger. Basically, it's a bit overpriced, but it wasn't so much of a walk, and I am close(ish) to the gpo if I go tomorrow and ask about using the Post Restant to have a book sent to me.

I went out this evening and looked around Panthip computer plaza. There's a usb charger for 190, so I'll have to do a bit of research about batteries, but really I should get that, and also an extension cable that looks light and is unbelievably cheap... though is it safe? Quite a few camera choices. I think if I go and use the wifi tomorrow for the things I need to do, then I don't need to be here, over near night market, for quite a while. Yes, that's a good plan.

The mouse button on the computer, well, touch-pad button, is unresponsive, though I'm not near Hong Kong and the guarentee is out soon. I might ask around to see if I can get a mouse, of course I'll need to test one and generally, that's not possible as they're sealed. I'll ask though, as I do need it. When I start doing more graphical work that's going to be a lot easier.

Yes, so I'm back and can get on with stuff. There are still quite a few issues, but really, it could all be a lot worse and I'll look forward to my day tomorrow.

Date: Tuesday 24th March 2009
Starbucks outside sofa, overlooking Kad Suan Kaew, with my feet up and the laptop on my thighs (the height of decadence).
About half six at night.

Wow, it's a long, long time since I wrote, though I always seem to say that nowadays; oh, it's so hard for us undergraduates.

I'll try and remember what happened. It was too expensive staying up Lanna Thai, so I picked a place nearer to Kad Suan Kaew, where I seem to spend most of my time. I picked Paikini from the review on travelfish. It was quite a walk. When I finally got there, a young lady told me it was now 400, a hundred more than I'd expected, though when I hesitated, it rapidly came down a hundred, without breakfast. I saw from the menu that breakfast was fifty, but she said that would be for two as it's a double room. The first place I stayed there was really comfy, but I realised that they have wifi but only available in the lower rooms and so I moved down and the mattress was uncomfortable, but I was connected at least.

I stayed a few days and decided it wasn't a bad deal and I would ask about the monthly rates, six thousand, so I would save three thousand. I booked it and waited about twelve days, but then she said the occupier had continued, and so I couldn't move. I got the feeling that I'd been duped, so I moved out the next day.

I came over to a place called Sripoom, a hundred cheaper, but no monthly available until next month, when I might be up in Pai. But it's comfy enough and I'm settled for now.

What else happened while I was in CM.I bought a kettle. I thought about it for ages, I was thinking about it went I first arrived, thinking that I could use it to purify water, and have noodles and soup and vary my diet. I was going to look for a simple element that would fit in a cup, but then I saw a little travel kettle in Central, so I bought it, and it's as I thought it would be. I make noodles and add tofu and fresh lemon, I haven't bought a bottle of water for days, and so it is paying for itself in a way. Ironically, I don't actually drink hot drinks.

I phoned A. She was kind of having a bad turn. She'd received a letter from the post office saying that the redirection service she gets will run out soon and she has to send another cheque or any mail will be destroyed. She somehow got the idea that I had the same service and that I would get tax demands that would be ignored and I'd be in trouble and have to pay all my university fees back. I don't know how she got this idea. No matter how I tried to explain it to her she just couldn't accept it and was begging me to come back 'to sort it out'. The only way I could reassure her was to promise to text Carly all about it, which I didn't. But I did phone A the next day and she'd calmed down and I just explained that I don't receive mail except from the bank and uni, and so it was a mistake. But I will be getting tax letters from the bank next month and I will need them, so that's something for Carly, if she doesn't mind.

I was bored one night, so just surfed for fun, oh, the luxury of wifi in bed! Well, I found my nephew's profile on myspace. There's hardly anything there, just a couple of bad quality photos. He's 25 now, and like myself, really doesn't look that good.

Another person I found was Matthew, the kid I knew at school and went to the reading festival with. There's quite a few pictures of him in the galleries. I haven't seen him since I was nineteen. I stumbled across his profile once, but then could never find it again for some reason. It sent me on a downer to be honest. Over the years, I've searched every now and again, perhaps a quick Google every couple of years, just to see if he surfaces. I didn't hang around with him so much, but he's one of the few people who actually had an effect on my life, I mean a positive effect. He turned up out the blue once and invited me to Reading, and that gave me the appetite to go out and live life. Plus, he was starting a BTEC in media studies and got me onto being a mature student. I got him into Oxfam. Of course our friendship didn't last because I was an avoidant and couldn't get on with his friends. But, he was nice, one of the few really nice people I ever met.

Anyway, when the search tool picked up his name and linked it to Northampton, I knew it would be him. The browser suddenly started crashing so I didn't get to see so much. I saw he's completely bald and looks old, as I do, perhaps over forty. Maybe that's the depressing part, because I remember messing about with him at school when we were twelve.

He has some pictures up. I think there were three of himself, some of 'running', some of Munich and most were of his cat. I think perhaps it was depressing that he didn't find someone. Of course he didn't or there would be a photo. You put what's important up on profiles. Perhaps he's happy like that. But I've always mixed in these, lower, sub-groups I think. Like Darren. I just know people who don't work or marry. But I'm being presumptuous Matthew was always hard working, I would imagine at least that he works.

I saw two pictures of him, he was alone in both of them, and looked kind of, 'outsider'. I don't know. It would be nice if I knew someone who just got somewhere.

I've worked my ass of on the essay, I'm doing it now, have put so many hours in. This is the last one. I got number three back a few days ago and my grade was down to an average. So I'm trying hard to make it up now.

There's not much else, or perhaps there is but I just don't recall now.. I have some diary notes, so I'll include them as a retrospective when I get round to it. I think about her all the time, in an insane and unhealthy way, in a way that makes me wan to be free of it. I think it's working though. I understand what I really want now, which is not to feel attached, rather than to be with any particular person.

I'm off Friday to put the essay in the post. Then I have three days to finish my first essay of the computer course. I had to make some forum postings and I still have some study to do on that; I'm not enjoying it right now to be honest. It'll be better when I have this first course out the way. I looked into having a course book sent to me to get ahead in a future course, but people on the internet warned me that any book sent to post restant would go missing. So, I'm just one hundred percent focused on finishing this essay, and getting some space in my time.

Date: Monday 30th March 2009
Starbucks, Thaepae Road, Chiang Mai. 8.10pm

Friday! Ha!

I put the essay in the post today, about three hours ago.

Always in Starbucks, well, that's how it looks isn't it? But I only drink a fifteen baht drinking water. It was actually the weak, warm coffee here that stopped me drinking it in public.

I always seem to finish essays right on the deadline. So, this is the last one. I got up a bit later than I wanted, but what to do? Last night I realised that I'd actually printed out an earlier version of the essay, and so I couldn't do any work. This morning I went to the cybercafe that used to be a French restaurant and just printed it. The printer has something wrong and it left blotches everywhere. It's been that way for years, though she did her best. Anyway, I had four diagrams to integrate, two pictures and I was 300 words over the allowed target. I've felt so overwhelmed and harried doing this for so long. It reached a crescendo today, but I had to just turn to the work, concentrate and get it all done.

Then in the end, considering everything, I was reasonably happy. It's in the ballpark. My last essay slipped to a C. I really need this grade to be good to keep an overall B average and get a 'good pass' certificate, rather than a 'clear pass'. So, I went the extra mile. Only one problem, not only did I not get any videos or tutorials as other students do, but the detailed instructions for what was expected in the essay were on an Audio... which I don't actually have!

So, I've just done the absolute best I can, with the whole course. It's quite an emotional time in a way. Well, not emotional, I mean significant. I remember first deciding that I wanted a degree, aged nineteen, and I went to the careers office in Northampton and asked about a psychology degree and the lady just went on and on about how much maths there would be and talked me out of it. I couldn't even find out what a degree entailed, how, specifically, do you do the work to get one? This was 1991, and there was no Internet. I did get all the information from UCCAS and remember photographing it, I'm sure it's in the archive somewhere; it was the same time as I started looking into the possibility of going to Asia. I started a second A level but it was too cold, England too harsh, A's place too restrictive.

Then I started to think I could just get some undergraduate study under my belt, and that lady I met in India talked me out of it, saying they wouldn't allow partial degree study (not true).

Then I went away again, and had to return for my year in England. I went to the career office in Hammersmith. I asked how I could get a psychology degree, and the lady said there was no funding. No NVQ. Basically, I ended up with an address to see about night courses in counseling

Then I got the inheritance and looked into doing two a levels, to somehow get to university I researched and researched how to do an affordable A level, well, two, and it just didn't seem possible, so I got my own study books, in religious studies and sociology and just went off to Asia, to study and not know how I would do any exams.

I remember being in Vietnam when I started looking into the OU. I realised there was no entrance and the chance of funding. It was about the time I had my 'bad turn'.

I remember being in Laos when A. couldn't send off my application for me, had the stroke and was hospitalised.

I remember filling in my own forms outside the Starbucks by Victoria Coach Station in London before I went to the monastery to take the Buddhist precepts.

I remember the train and bus ride to the University in Milton Keynes, with a virgin passport in a new name, and speaking to a lady who enrolled me. I remember going on to the shopping centre and phoning back and being told it was all sorted out and I was a student.

I remember receiving my first books and being really lost and not knowing what to do.

I remember receiving my OU student ID card.

I remember going to the tutorial at Northampton college and feeling like a stupid outsider when everyone talked about themselves and I said that I don't want to talk.

I remember sitting outside in Pacific coffee company company and making my first concerted effort to get into the material and make a start.

I remember sitting where I am now when the first essay was due, so nervous I felt sick, and then submitting it from Buddies cybercafe.

I remember getting my first mark back and printing out the tutor comments and realising I could do it, my work was in the ballpark.

I remember submitting an essay just before I checked out of the hotel to get a plane out of Vietnam.

I remember hours ago, sending off the last essay and walking back home.

And here I sit, with my feet up as my legs are in agony... and I've made a year of undergraduate study. I've wanted it for so long, and here I am, really doing it. I'm doing it.

I'll have to see how my legs are... but I might go and eat something special, all I eat are noodles now.

Of course, tomorrow is the deadline for the first essay on the computer course... and I haven't done it yet.

But tonight... I feel GOOD, just for a little while.

Well done me!

Date: Thursday 2nd April 2009
Miguel's Restaurant, Chaiyaphym Road, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 9.22pm.

Mixed emotions at having finished DD122. I don't miss the stress of the last week of getting it sorted out, but there's less intensity to what I have to do. Really, I'm finishing up, linking stuff on the web site, I have to kind of finish archiving also.

I went up to Tesco today, thinking I'd get some bits. As usual I got almost nothing, just some potato powder and a new pair of flippies. So, that was that. I could do with clothes and a bag really.

I have plans for a bit piece of magic, I don't know how it will work out, but it's based on ideas I had ages ago.

Oh, there's nothing really. I suppose I have to get into the study now, there's more than enough work to do. God man, get on with it!

Date: Saturday 4th April 2009
Starbucks, Thaepae, Chiang Mai, About half six in the evening.

I forgot to mention a couple of anniversaries went by without me mentioning it. March 20th was three years without a drink, and one year without a smoke. Saint Patrick's day was two years since I saw my sister.

The other thing was about finding Matthews profile, as it went private while I was looking at it, perhaps I was looking at it while he was working on it. But perhaps that's a benefit of just accepting avoidance, I can let all that go (nice to know he's OK though).

Dream (of the 17th March)

Note: I had this dream just after speaking to her during a time when she had got confused.

I was in A's house. She came in and walked past me, not recognising me or knowing who I was. She spoke to a voice in her head, saying 'Just keep walking, I don't know him'.

Interpretation

A warning of what's coming; though I know this deep-down anyway.

Not really news now; I've left my usb stick at home... so a bit of a loose end as there's no wifi here. I guess I can work on Dharma Willing Plan.

I looked at my accounts last night, bank accounts that is, and realised I'm getting 0.01%, though I've opened up a new one that will pay 2%, it'll go live in a few days, which is the end of the tax year. The main things I have to do are now are:

1. Make a table showing the OU course options and start to think about that.

2. Check the last of the archiving on my usb is done and delete the files.

3. Put my lifemagic cd onto the usb

   1. Upload it to the website (I'll do that tomorrow

4. Make a magic picture

5. Finish the M150 study

6. Make a plan concerning Pai.

I don't know what else to do... without my usb I mean. I do like the Chiang Mai routine. But I don't sleep so well. This is a downside of soberiety. Laying there alone and the morning's approaching, so soon that it might just be better to get up and be done with it. All the things that alcohol masked with me are still there, namely avoidance and sleeplessness, and if I always stay sober they always will be. So my memories of people are as good as it gets... and they ain't so good.

But I can live with that, to be honest. I worry more about my finite finance nowadays, to be honest. Still, present moment....

Date: Monday 6th April 2009
Starbucks, Thaepae, Chiang Mai. 7.33pm

I had a very strange day today; I think I rattled my unconscious.

Last night I was surfing generally and looking up old theme tunes. I ended up watching the video for the song 'bright eyes' by art Garfunkel from the film Watership Down. I remember when it was number one in the charts, even though I would have been about six. It played on TV in Churchill Avenue, M's first house when I was born (though she lived in Lorraine Drive before that). I remember it being on Top of the Pops and seeing the cartoon that went with it and telling my sister (who still lived at home them) that I really liked it, and she retorted that I only liked it because it had a cartoon that went with it (never a kind word, even then). I'm not so sure why it affected me now. The lyrics are about dying. Even though I was young, I understood from the film and lyrics that it was about these rabbits that didn't understand what happened when one of them had died.

going out on the tide

or is it a dream?

there's a mist along the horizon

nobody seems to know where you go

I've got those wrong, but I'm not going to listen again, I only just got over the mood. Perhaps it was because it took me back to that time, which wasn't very happy, or perhaps because it's the first time I really thought about death? Perhaps now the J obsession has lessened somewhat, or a little, or just I've opened to the possibility that it could, perhaps what it covered opens a little also. The basic fact, or a basic fact, behind it all is that mother didn't really like any of us, at least then. She wasn't interested. She ignored us, she didn't answer when you spoke to her, or look at us or tell us anything. Harsh, at that time. But deep, deep down, didn't want us. Perhaps A took us away and didn't really want to, which is a way that I hadn't really considered it before.

A couple of other things. One, I was thinking about some unrelated thing recently, actually, I think it was here in this seat. I closed my eyes and there was a mental picture of J just waiting there. I mean, a memory, unrelated, just there waiting.

The other thing is, it takes me a long time to get asleep; it always has, but nowadays, if I'm really really relaxed, and listen very intently, I can hear a voice talking to me. The infuriating thing is that I can't recall what it says, like a dream or obe, it fades from waking consciousness quickly, which would lead me to believe it originated in the same place or something. The only specific I can remember is that the last thing it said way it was going to stop to let me go to sleep.

I got my first computing paper back, I didn't read it yet but it was 80% just over, so good.

I have to phone A soon, to see if my thing, my last soc. sci paper got there or not.

Better stop now.

Date: Monday 13th April 2009
The really nice little bakery by Old Chiang Rai Bakery, Chiang Rai, Thailand. 6.15pm.

Good day today, though I wasn't expecting it.

I phoned A. The essay arrived, and Richard sent it, and got a proof of posting, so that's all done and dusted, finished. Very, very good. Richard is Carly's partner (can you say Carlie's like you can say Charlie's?), and did I say she's pregnant? Strange as I remember my sister telling me that Carly was sterile after an illness and she'd offered to surrogate for her. Last time I spoke to A. we chatted for ages, until my card ran out, and it was a nice call.

Anyway, another thing was I checked at the bank, and my savings were earning 0.01... or was it 0.1 percent, I don't recall. But I switched almost all of it to an account where I'm allowed four withdrawals in a year, and it gets two percent. I must remember to forward a tax form for them, for this account I mean. I did that the night before I left.

I had bought my ticket up to Chiang Rai about a week before I left; of course I had to walk there and back, so it actually took me all day, but that's fine. But then I realised it would be Songkran, Thai new year, and so immigration might be closed. I kept trying to find out, but just couldn't get the information. My extension was OK until about 19, but my second entry on the visa from Vientiane had to be used before 16. Now, in Laos, visas are free until the sixth of next month... and it would cost two grand to get one more month on the two I just got. Ugh, that all conspired against me.

The day before I left, the 11th I sat in Starbucks, and it was anarchy, people throwing water everywhere. The Thais are OK about it but foreigners go too far. I was quite worried walking up to the station but it was OK. I booked the room at Sripoom for tonight and said I'd phone to confirm tomorrow morning that I'd be there, Anyway, I had to walk the long way to the station because I had to avoid all the water, and made it to the non-vip bus, which turned out to be fine. But we were dropped at a new station outside of Chiang Rai, so had to take a minibus in, and this was open, and someone threw a full bucket of water in, so I was soaked. We arrived and the little bakery was closed. I got to the usual place and checked in, dinner and slept.

Today, I went out and got the bus to Mae sai, with my rain poncho over me. It took ages to get there. Then ate and went over the border. The Burmese immigration thought it was really funny that I was wearing a poncho because it was sunny. I went to the usual place for a coffee, strolled back, back on the minibus covered in my rain poncho. Oh, the only bit of wet I got was from immigration officers coming back into Thailand, or they were customs or something. I didn't mind. I mean, the difference is mammoth, between say the aggressive, authoritarian and incompetent attitude of English customs, and Thailand where they squirt you with water-pistols. I'd been quite grumpy but cheered up and got into it a bit. It turned out I was on a roll, as at the bus station I got straight onto a bus back where I was charged the right price and the conductor used the window and foresight to protect me from soakings.

I got back and this place was open, and so this was a much better day than I was expecting.

Yearned for J, all day I notice... but I think only a bit more than usual, and I kind of.... I don't know.

Date: Friday ?17th April 2009
Sripoom House, Ratchapakini Road, North Gate, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 11.50pm.

Dream retrospective

Dream: of 12-4-09

Someone was holding a reflective piece of metal before my eyes. I wouldn't look into it because I'm phobic of reflections. She sounded surprised and asked me, 'Why? Your eyes are bigger than mine'. I looked in and saw my eyes has an area of sky blue in one of them that didn't look so good.

Interpretation

Sky blue is the name of the Japan Tobacco that I chew. For me, the eyes are an indication of health, in my belief I mean, so I take this as a warning, that I'm otherwise healthy (having big eyes) but the chew will affect me over time.

Of course, nrt gum costs so much more because of the rip-off drug industry, so I'll have to think what to do.

Thursday 23rd April 2009
Starbucks, Kad Suan Kaew, Huay Kuay Road, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 3.05pm

Dream

I was writing my diary in pen on a road, I mean, I was actually writing in directly onto the road. My brother saw and was really angry and started shouting. I scribbled some of it out into the shape of a crescent moon.

Interpretation

The moon, meaning the unconscious/hidden, and writing my dairy on the journey of my life, my life being something my 'brother' never really got nor appreciated. I don't care how he feels about anything, so I'm not certain why I dream of him at all.

Well, have I really been back over a week? Ugh. The main thing to report here has been the heat, which is absolutely awful. The room is like an absolute oven. I've made a system of freezing small water bottles which I sleep with in my groin... as there are major arteries near the surface of the skin there... really. There and under the arms are where they put ice when they're treating heat exhaustion, to lower body temperature.

They've stopped serving 'my' water at Starbucks, Thaepae. I mean, the fifteen baht Nestle water, now only sixty baht. They've done that at about half the Starbucks now, though if you ask they can often go and get one from the back. It's funny, funny peculiar, I mean. In most countries, when things take a downturn, they discount and offer promos that benefit the customer to encourage people in, only Starbucks Thailand removes or hides the cheapest things from the menu.

It's a shame, as it's easily the best place to work in Chiang Mai, there's a/c, a toilet, comfy chairs, non-obtrusive background music. Though the manager who runs it has always been quite... anal I suppose. They lock the toilet now on a periodic basis to stop non-customers using it. It's fair enough I suppose, but there's a bad feeling there now. I recall last visit that place inspired the same feelings. The last ice coffee I drank there was from her hand, so weak it was brown water and I never had one again.

But for God's sake, it's just one place you know. Things shouldn't have got to the point that it's important about this one place. I can be flexible and go to other places. I was reading in a book shop about mental causes for skeletal diseases; it was a new age book obviously. It said that the condition occours in inflexible people that give up on things very easily, and that kind of describes me.

I lost my phone. It was over Songkran. I wanted to stay in and didn't know how bad it would be but I didn't have any shopping. So I put on my rain poncho, which is almost completely in pieces now. I walked along and a foreigner said, 'What kind of fun is that'?. I also had a go at someone who soaked me. I couldn't get into the spirit of things. After the holiday was over I thought about it. It's basically a holiday which encroaches on the person; everyone gets water thrown over them and is forced to take part, whether they want to or not. That sounds bad, but when I considered it, I realised that it's better than Western holidays. Google Christmas and Loneliness for example; in the west holidays are geared towards groups and are isolating for people who are alone. I still don't dig Songkran, but what really bothered me were the 'Western Happy Police', i.e. foreigners who are criticizing people who don't get into it, because the thing to recall is that the ones that get into it are the ones who drink. Much of the effects are those of alcohol. I think that's true of many gatherings... in the west. when people are criticized for not taking part it's actually criticism for not drinking.

But, if by any chance, I'm alive and in Thailand for the next one, I will make some effort to at least get into it, at least a little bit.

Anyway, the phone. I'm pretty sure I left it in the toilet at Kad Suan Kaew. I went to dtac to ask them to phone it for me. The woman didn't understand though. Then I went up to report it missing at the information desk. Then I went to Mikes for some chips. As I was waiting for it two Thai kids came up and asked if they can use my phone. Now... what are the chances of that. Never before has a Thai person... or anyone, ever asked if they can use my phone. As I sat there eating, I realised that perhaps they had been asking if I'd lost it, so I went back to information but nothing had been handed in. I skyped it over the next couple of days, but it's gone. I bought that the day I was searched by the police in London, which was a few years ago, and it was replacing a phone taken in a mugging. Maybe I'm not lucky... then again, I did have it for a long time.

Of course, my birthday's coming up. I've has both a birthday and a new year in

Chiang Mai, so I'm not allowed to be here. I was planning to go up to Pai, but the bus trip doesn't sound very nice. I thought about moving to a month deal room with air-con, and then I could have three nights out of Chiang Mai and it wouldn't cost much more. It's quite awkward, there are free Thai visas is Laos until the sixth of June, but my visa is OK until July. But if I wait until then I will have to pay.

I walked up to Ninamemin Road, or whatever it's called, yesterday, because I'm looking for a better place to hang out in the day now. I need a/c, unlocked toilet, air con, non-obtrusive background music. It's a bit of a way to walk though.

I got an email from Martin, of the OU about my course, reminding me where I'm supposed to be with it. I'm past there, though I'm supposed to be answering the questions as I go, and I just don't work like that. But I was also supposed to be doing online tests which I haven't done.

The most important thing is to move, I think, because basically my nights are too uncomfortable to do anything other than just with there with water-spray, ice bottles, wet teeshirts and a small squeaky fan and I just can't deal with it or get anything done. I have a headache for the first three hours on waking. I think, my options are,

1. Go straight to Pai with all my bags

2. Pay for a monthly deal in Chiang Mai, with air-con, and day trip out on my birthday.

3. Pay for a week with a/c here, and make a decision about going somewhere later.

I wonder where the nearest destination south on the rail head is? I think, what I should do today is, go and eat something, then go to Buddies and do the I-ching to see if I should stay or go or whatever, then make an accommodation list of various places. Then I have a hard night tonight washing my stuff up... but that's how it goes; I've paid, I think for another two nights.

I'll feel better when I've done that, plus I'll phone back from Buddies, because it might be that post is on the way for me, and that will change things also. Yes, this is best for me. I've got a bit stuck here, and I'll focus on getting unstuck today.

My power cord for the asus started fraying; my fault because I yanked it out the wall on passing a few times. The copper started showing and I felt sick because if it breaks, the computer is useless. I tried super glue and made it worse. Come to think of it, any time I've ever used super glue for anything I've made things worse, but I anchored the lead to the body with duct tape so stop it pulling, and it's OK for now. I think perhaps if I'm careful.

Anyway, good to get everything off my chest. I'll sit here under the icy air con for a while, take a headache pill, and kfc chippychops.

I should think about doing different things, going to different places, maybe leaving Thailand for a bit. It feels like it would have been better right now if my Vietnamese extension had been OK and I'd got to China... but who knows; perhaps that was unlucky. I'll just focus on the present.

Bye for now.

Date: Wednesday 6th May 2009 (*** my birthday! (38))
Riverside Restaurant, Lampang, Thailand. 8.30ish pm.

I made it away for my birthday. So I can still say that, for every year since I was twenty one years of age, I've never spent a new year and birthday in the same place.

Quite a bit happened. I felt obliged to come away, and it was a pain having to research all the possible places. The bed was so hard that my arm started hurting. I didn't know if I'd be able to leave my bag anywhere. I phoned A, twice from Buddies. The second time I was putting the phone down and she remembered my birthday, and I felt this kind of explosion of energy in my chest, as I was thinking that this would be the first year that no one on planet earth remembered. Last year I got an email on the day itself from Mian, though this year she didn't reply after new year. Don't know how she is.

There are other bits too. I gave up on Starbucks, too much trouble. I've been trying out new places. I never did arrange a monthly rent or apartment. Perhaps it's my fate and I never will? I mean in my whole life I never will?

Getting up here wasn't so bad. I managed to get a soung thaw at Chuang Puak bus station. Then pretty much straight on a bus; I came yesterday. I planned to stay in Asia Lampang, but it was over-priced and had a blaring TV. Then I went to Kim Hotel and stayed there. I listened to Gill today, of course, I listened to 'Upside Down Thinking', and shall likely listen to another one, I would type more, but it's so hot here, and I have AC at home. So, I'm still going, and that's a good wrap-up...or as good as it gets today.

Starting 2009

2nd January 2009

Hue, Vietnam.

Dream

I went to Japan and was surprised to fid that Junko was single. She wanted to say sigle and wait for someone else to turn up whom she could fall in love with and marry, but was prepared to live with me for a couple of weeks.

So I moved in with her and was really happy for a while, but a bit insecure/possessive, wanting to know her whereabouts when she was absent. Also, there was an underlying saddness that it couldn't be permanent but I knew that it was coming to an end.

Interpretation

Basically, the situation. It was the situation back then, she wanted someone else but was prepared to be with me for a while. How would it be any different now? I've never lived outside of a hotel and probably never will, she has her own life. It's madness to think anything else, and I don't want it either. If only these persistant... whatever they are would go away.

3rd January 2009

Coop Shopping Mart Food Hall,

Hue,

Vietnam 5.24pm

I feel trapped a little. My visa finishes on the twelth, my essay is due on the thirteenth. The books for the next course are available on the fifth. I'm not sure if I like the hotel where I am, but at least it's dry, if a little cold. I have the first draft of the essay... so I just don't know what to do. I asked at Sinh Cafe about an extenstion but they want thirty usd. Madness as it was twenty-five in Nha Trang at Sinh but I paid twenty at Kimuyen. I walk across the bridge every day to kfc, but they play music so loud it's not comfortable. Yet it's the only place that's remotely warm and dry with all the lights turned on.

The main thing to focus on is the essay; I have to put it in on time to keep the plan on course (what is the plan?). Then I have to try and hole up somewhere not too expensive for Chinese New Year. I was thinking over the border at Nanning? Yes, there's nothing there, but all the better to focus me so I can just settle and get some real work done.

The saving grace here is Houng Voung Inn, a place with great food, free wifi and electric, toilet and freindly. I don't know what I"d do without it.

I'd better get on and correct my essay.

Dream

Tuesday 6th January 2009

I was studying in a hotel. I came back to my room and someone had been put there on a sharing basis. I went down to reception to ask for a discount because I'd paid for a single, but they said that they were short of space because of a conference and refused.

I went out to get a soda in the large adjacent bar and walked around looking for somewhere to drink it. It occoured to me how much I miss my mother.

I was halfway up a high-rise building at night. Someone was on my level being shouted at on the ground for being a bully. Suddenly he ran up the stairs and hunted him out to attack him.

Date: 12th January 2009

Hanoi Airport, Vietnam. About 1.30pm.

I love airports; they make me feel at home. Perhaps it's because my life has been ever-moving transience. Airports are big, clean impersonal places full of transient people not living any particular place at that time. I sit under the cleanly-designed neon and am just the same as everyone around me, they don't know who I am or what I've done. I'm just a transient on the way somewhere, just like them.

Anyway, I was back in Hue. New Year was a simple ritual in the little windowless room; isn't that the same as I do every year? I was focusing on the essay and decided that extending my visa would give me some breathing space. I asked Sinh, who said 30, so I asked the hotel. The guy said he'd look into it. When I asked him again he said he had asked the tourist board and they hadn't got back to him, and that made me feel strange as there's no tourist board. Eventually he said it would be fifteen, same day. I paid and concentrated on the essay. For the next two nights, it was always coming, next day or first thing tomorrow. I was suspicious as it was too cheap and too soon, generally it has to go via Saigon. I asked on the message boards and people said it was too cheap. At night he said he would get it in the morning. In the morning, he gave me back my ten year, eighty five pound sterling biometric passport dripping wet (I'd given it to him in immaculate condition), and said it couldn't be done as it was a second extension, and it was better I go to Laos City [SIC and tired].

At that point I still thought that there was no problem as Sinh had said 30usd, so I went over there to order it, and the woman looked at it, and said 30usd is first extension, second not possible, better go to another country and come back. I pressed her for more options. She admitted it could be done in Saigon, but it would be two days sleeping bus to go back, or she would send it for 45usd, but it would take ten days and she seemed really reluctant, saying, 'Passport very important document, maybe driver lose?'.

I went to Houng Voung Inn and thought about it, then went back and bought the sleeping bus to Hanoi.

Next morning I had a go at the boy for getting my passport so wet, and checked out. I sat in Houng Voung Inn and went for the sleeping bus.

I was in seat 19, at the rear, lower,left. As it was the very back of the bus it was actually one kind of platform made into four seperate beds (though before us there were only three abreast). I was by one window and there was an English couple by the other window. I lay down and for some reason, just my berth was trunciated. When I put my feet against the board and straightened out, the whole of my shoulders and head were off the top of the bed. Also, the tier above us formed a ceiling, meaning it was impossible to sit up; it was like being in some kind of a tomb. The couple noticed me and tried to cheer me up, saying perhaps I could swap as the berth next to me backed out into the aisle and was the only seat on the bus really made for a tall person.

The people who got on with us were a Vietnamese couple, so no point expecting charity from them. It was a short woman next to me. We lay there all night. I put my bag behind me and with the thin blanket over that it was at least bearable as at least my shoulders had some support.

I got one 45 minute break when we got off, but then I just lay there; 14 hour journey. Of course I didn't sleep.

We arrived at the Sinh office. I had been told I could leave a bag there, and I could but it was out of town. The plan had been to apply for a Chinese visa the same day. I'd looked into it. I could pay for the express service to have the visa the same day, I had even purchased a glue pen especially so I could glue the photo. I'd booked a hotel. I could be in Nanning in China the day my visa expired and had done all the research I could.

I hailed taxis but none would use the meter. Sinh called one for me and I went straight to the hotel and then onto the embassy. The reported opening time was 8.00 but it turned out to be 8.30. I stood there for half an hour. There were all these motorbike touts telling me I needed photocopies of my Vietnamese visa, but I'd done so much research I didn't believe them, so I just went in anyway.

It turns out I did need them. The touts wanted 10,000 to take me on a bike to the Xerox but I can't get on a bike. In the end, they made me pay 10,000 just for directions. I got there and noticed that the back of my passport is starting to come apart because of the wet. I got back to the office. No bags, I had to leave the computer outside. Got in and a visa would be four days. I asked for the express service, and she said I can only avail it if I already have a ticket to China... which I can't get without a Chinese visa. I explained this and she said to get a Vietnamese extension and I said I couldn't in Hanoi... witout a ticket, which I can't get without a visa. And so that was it.

Oh the Irony. Last year I tried to do Hong Kong to Bangkok and got as far as Pnhom Penn as I couldn't get a Thai visa and thought that risking a visa on entry was too risky, and so flew the last leg. I later found out I could have risked it, it probably would have worked, and if not I could have just got another Cambodian visa.

So this year I was going back the other way... and didn't even get half way there!

I went back to the hotel and had to wait to check in. When they showed me the room it was noisy and behind reception, and these rooms are always the worst. So I stored my bag there and had to go looking. I ended up at another recommended place. The room was 'fifteen US', but at the rate of 17.5, so basically it was more like twenty. I went to Sinh to ask about the visa and decided on Laos, but wanted to check that I could get visa on arrival.

Next day I came down to ask about a cheaper room but they were full, so again my bags went in storage. I went looking and ended up in the fifth floor at Central Stars. I paid one night and said I was staying two, then went to Sinh. They reserved me a ticket and I said I would go to the office, the airline office, to check about the visa. So they called me a taxi and sent me off to the other side of the lake. It was the wrong number, so I walked about half a kilometer and found that the office had closed, i.e. moved. I tried for about half an hour to get a taxi. They all wanted ten US for a one and a half dollar fair. One of them started following me in the car and I had to run around him when I saw a reputable company car going past, and jumped in.

I got back to Sinh and he again phoned Laos Aviation customer service and he didn't know the address, he only repeated the previous address. So the Sinh boy phoned the number I had written from the board outside the closed office informing people it had closed. I spoke to them and they said I wouldn't need a visa. So, I paid for the ticket and went to Highlands to finally work on the essay. It's a high up place and they had all the windows open, so I sat there with the cold and traffic noise trying to make sense of the essay and get some headway.

I went home and there was no one to give me a key, just some unattended three year old playing with the visa machine who refused to get her parents. I ended up having to pull the receptionist away from computer games to get the key, then went to the room. It was also wet and freezing there, but I tried again to work on the essay and managed to get some of the references done.

So next day, the plan was get the ticket, go and see about the airport bus, go straight to Highlands and work all day on the essay. I came down and handed the key in and the owner told me I hadn't told her I was staying two days so she'd sold the room, please leave, now. So I went back up five floors and got my bags. I ended up in a seventeen dollar place, but it had a table and wifi and I thought I could do the essay. I went and picket up the ticket, then down to buy the airport bus ticket. I indeed went to Highlands and worked for about three hours. Then I went home to work.

I got in the room and actually realised it had huge windows that looked down onto the open-plan reception and travel agent and the front door was wide-open, so it was noisy and cold, plus the curtains were thin and the neon just outside. So I just sat there working and did the best I could. I slept as my custom in cold rooms, boxer-shorts tied round my head, Chealsea football socks, jeans and all my teeshirts. I lost my earplugs, so bunged my ears up with wet tissue.

Next day, one day before deadline, the essay was at least pasasble, so I submitted it. The time would be 2am gmt, but it's better than late. I went down and asked for a Mah Linh taxi, and she got a different one but said it would be OK, but they refused to use the meter and so she called Mah Linh and he got me there OK. I got on the bus, then sat there paranoid for an hour that they hadn't loaded my bags on, but they were there went I got off. I rested, ate biscuits and used tweezers to try and get the tissue out of my left ear, but it's deep, deep, and so that's something I'll have to deal with later. I've sent three emails over three days to Mali Namphu hotel to reserve it, but there's no answer.

The last evening I was in the city an older bus tried to snatch my camera as he went past on a motorbike, but only suceeded in scratching my leg. I was ripped off buying stale bread, charged double for everything I wanted to buy. I sit here typng this in the airport, with a guy next to me playing Asian Kareoke on his mobile and think... at least Vientaine is somewhere quiet. I can sort the cd's out I couldn't here. It should be a bit warmer down there, there are more travellers about, and it's only a few weeks until I'm allowed back in Thailand. Plus, I can perhaps fly to Hong Kong. I have to go to get some university books which I can only et there.

I'm not absolutely certain of the plan. My visa expires today, so the main thing is to get out, arrive and settle somewhere with a longer visa period and think everything through. Oh, and the new course started but I can't work out how to get the work books online. So various things going on right now.

OK, dear diary, thanks for listening, as always. I eagerly await out next entry.

Date: 17th January 2009

RD Guest House, Vientiane, Laos.

I can't find the diary I typed at the airport, but perhaps I saved it online, if so it will appear above. If not, I'll have to summerise. Worrying as it was two hours of typing.

Since the airport...

We landed and I went through immigration OK, thirty days for thirty-five USD. I had emailed Mali Namphu four times to four addresses over three days, but when I got there they didn't know who I was and I had no room. I walked on to Duang Dong, or whatever it's called, and they only had a double, that was twenty pounds Sterling. I thought it might be a come on, but after I checked in they put a FULL sign up.

Next day I went looking. I went to Saysouly, which is often described as 'tired', and it was a dive. I tried to check in but he wanted an amount different to the posted price, so I ended up back at Duang Dong (or whatever it's called) in a single for about twelve pounds and it was booked for the next day.

Next day I came here to RD. It's a bit noisy, but OK. Actually it's 'the Japanese place'. All major travelers centres have an Israili place and a Japanese place. The Israili is usally dirty, noisy and cheap. The Japanese place is usually clean, expensive and quiet. So, this is where I am.

I'm really feeling how the exchange rates have gone down; this place comes across as really expensive. At the moment, I'm in a ten pound room, and it's clean but basic. Tomorrow it's booked, so it's obviously a sellers market here.

Online I found out that the embassy is giving out double-entry tourist visas now, this is the Thai embassy I'm talking about. So I went down there. I was really organised, with a printed out map and all the things I needed. I thought, double-entry as if I don't want to stay as long as that it will still save money because I won't have to do a visa run.

Oh, and another reason, the visa exempt stamp, i.e. stamp you get arriving without a visa, has gone down from thirty days to fifteen. So a double-entry tourist visa is good for six months, i.e. two sixty day stays and two one month extenstions. I can't do three runs to border for three months now. They scrapped the rule that you can only stay 90 days in any 180, so I could live here running every fifteen days, but (and this is must be what they thought when they came up with it), my passport will run out quickly. To enter Laos takes one visa page plus in/out stamps. To enter Burma is half a page.

But I'm OK until July if needs be. Today I looked into booking the trip to Hong Kong as the airline sale ends today, but I've had second thoughts. I checked accomodation prices. With inflation and the pound going from around two dollars to a pound to one and a half i.e. losing 25% of it's value, it's expensive. Dragon hostel was ten pounds, now it's seventeen. Osaka places for a tenner are the same. Flowers in Yangshou is seven, from about four. If I don't want to backtrack it would be a hundred from Guilin to KL, then I have to come up. So I left it.

But it's also that I wouldn't know what I'm doing. I haven't planned the routue. I have the copied guide books so I can go through those now.

There were two reasons, well, three. I wanted to see the pink spring blossoms in Japan. I need to get my two study books for the next course, and it can only be in Hong Kong for sure. And I wanted to be in Osaka for my birthday.

And I just thought differently, though I'm still in two minds. Take my birthday, they're always a bit depressing and always wholly alone. I have this idea to put myself in a situation where I'm almost certain to be stood up by a person I've become obsessed about. Every dream and OBE I have about her tells me she's in Europe anyway. And I realised that I might be able to get the books sent to me anyway. Return flights for my exam would be 300 Sterling, so even that's up in the air (pardon the ... oh, never mind).

Well, now it's Saturday night. Tomorrow I'll put the guidebooks on the usb stick so I can have a look at them, at least if I knew the general route. Monday I pick up the visa and I can get out the same or the next day.

The plan might still be on, just not for May. I mean, the way I was sidetracked, perhaps it's all just fate. But I really did want to go and get this obsession out of my mind and I thought facing up to it, going there and realising that there are no paradises on earth (only in our minds), it would be better.

But look at the way it worked out, as I say.

Ah Thailand though. There are advantages to being back, and it's good to be south in winter.

I'm going to see if I can sleep. I, just remembered, the M150 course started. There are no downloadable books... perhaps they come later, as it doesn't start until next month, though it's a bit worrying. I must start work on the rest of the sociology, as I have to post mine early.

Like I say, I'm going to see if I can sleep.

Date: ?20 January 2009

Joma Bakery Cafe, Vientiane, Laos.

About 12.10pm

I found the missing file and have integrated it, fantastic. Thank you.

I picked up my Thai visa yesterday and so have checked out and am on the way to Nong Khai in Thailand. The bus doesn't go for a couple of hours and so I'm just resting a while and saying hello.

I never stop thinking of Junko. I know you know that, but she's always there. I mean, it would be more than hourly. I just don't say because it would make for boring reading. Even walking into this bakery, the first thought is a place that had a same smell we went to in Perth. I try and think negatively, about bad times, like the time she was mad I woke her up, the times she kept talking about this other guy to punish me for things I hadn't done. And I try and reason it, she could have chose me and didn't. It kind of makes it more bareable, but really, it's a part of who I am... NO, of course it isn't. It's just, I don't know. I don't get on with anyone. That is the core of my being. I'm grateful for all that blesses me. But, this is it, and days can be long. You know. But grateful. Ugh. Stop thinking.

My Olympus camera broke. Not sure why, just stopped working. I went back to the Nikon, but the screen is broken and I'm not sure if it's working at all. I really must get a new one. That was going to be in Hong Kong, but with the exchange rate, it might be just as well to buy one here.

I sent a letter to A with a cheque for Carly.

Still no pdf's for the other course. I asked on the OU forum and someone said it was there, but I can't work out how to navigate back to it. So that's still on hold.

I want to start writing two pieces of work, i.e. Strawberries, the story of my romantic obsession, and The Magic Buddha, non-fiction about my spiritual practice. I've wanted to do them for ages, and I guess I was waiting for a settled period where I'm in one place, but I think perhaps better to accept that it's never coming; I'm always moving and I've always got things on my plate. All I have to do are cull the notes for a start from each, and just keep doing that until each one is written.

I copied guide books for Japan and Korea before I left the UK and I took the images from the cds and put them on my memory stick, so I shall go through them so I have a better idea of how things will work should I end up going. I balked the other day because of the exchange rate but also not knowing exactly how things will work. Also, if I could get my study books delivered here then I wouldn't need to go to Hong Kong, I could fly up to the most northern point and come down to get another Thai visa. I could get tickets in and out in advance. I have given up the idea of the land trip. I've tried it twice, and still managed Hong Kong to Pnhom Pehn, so at least can be happy with that. As far as I can work out, getting the English book sent to Thailand from Amazon in the US is no problem. But the psychology book is only on Amazon in the UK, and I don't think they ship abroad, so I'll have to look into that. I think... if I start as soon as I settle somewhere in Thailand.

Also, I got a letter from the insurers, my policy expires. I seem to remember buying nine months in August... but they said it expires the end of this month, so maybe I paid for only six? I must remember to look into that.

Oh, I have the Writers Directory also, i.e. the addresses of places to submit the writing too, on usb from a cd I made in Northampton Library, so I can type that up and then I'll have places to submit the writing to when it's done.

So, it's all kind of on course, and I feel kind of good today. It's sort of on track and I'm getting somewhere. I'm just sitting here with my soda, on a sunny day, trying not to constantly compare each passing moment with comparable times in Perth, thinking happy thoughts.

Not sure where I'm going to stay. I loved the hotel last time, 400 bath. But now Pounds are down 30%, inflation's put it up to 500 and I must really look for somewhere simpler. I was in my double at RD but it was booked and I moved to a twin, which was basically bunk beds in a bare room, and bar the hardness of the bed, I was happy enough listening to podcasts at night.

I think also, about being back in Thailand (later) there are other benefits apart from costs and the weather. I can carry on finishing the archiving, I can get rid of my last cd's and sort out the various things stored in various places online, always heading towards my unified master file of my website. If I can get all the writing done all linked to a central website, all about my past and all my pictures, web sites, writing and stories then this is who I am, propoerly archived for all and absolutely noting I am carrying.

Oooohhhhh, I LOVE this computer. I thought it last night, listening to a podcast through its speakers. I love it as much as the day I bought it, more in fact because now I know it's reliable. Everything still works, all the buttons, software, lid, screen. I love the way it looks and it's smell. I love the way it powers up. I love its size. It's easily the best thing I've ever owned. Like last night (and the night before), no TV was no problem It' educates me, entertains me. It saves me print out money, cybercafe money, no Tv in cheap room money, guide book money, printing money. Oh, the productivity. Waiting for an hour for my visa or a bus, just whip it out and do my work. It's the best thing in the whole wide world.

Yipee! Thank you for this! Yipee! Yipee!

2009 Objectives

• Dentist
• Whitening/clean
• Stop nicotine
• See new places
  • Japan
  • Korea
  • Pai

Further the J resolution

Obtain year three university funding

Start level two psychology course

Start level two English course

Obtain phone/console

Obtain new camera

Obtain study books

Formerly practice meditation somewhere

Wholly finish the archiving

Finish DD122

Obtain Soc. Sci undergrad cert

Finish M150

Finish Strawberries

Finish The Magic Buddha

Routine

Do all the maths learning material available and prepare for the maths course

Learn some language

Mandala energising routine with gratitude and new.

List of Achievements - 2008

Recap - Achievements of 2008

• Took the Zen Precepts at Buddhist Abbey
• Stopped smoking
• Made it to the UK and back
• Saw dentist for the first time in over a decade
• Started university
• Completed course DD121
• Enrolled and started course DD122
• Enrolled course M150
• Obtained second year university funding
• Learnt to use Linux
• Saw new places
• Sihanoukville
• Hoi An
• Archived all photos and slides
• Sent love box back to J
• Changed my name
• Got new ID's
• Disposed of most possessions
• Got a new passport
• Joined the student union

Dentist

My Visit to Grace Dental Clinic, North Thailand, 2008.

Background

I was taken to the dentists infrequently as a kid. Each time I went it was always one filling per visit.

When I left school, I just stopped going for about three years. I went again and the guy said two fillings but when he was about to inject me I panicked and put my hand over my mouth. I'd only just recovered from agoraphobia... but the guy went mad and I was thrown out of the office. I hated myself.

Well I was worried about the work that needed doing, so I found someone else and went there. He was nicer and also said two fillings needed... both on the opposite side of my mouth. So now I didn't know what to do, but just left with nothing being done, and didn't go to a dentist for thirteen years.

I didn't have any problems in that time except some bunching on the lower jaw middle. The tooth that's been pressed either side is jammed tight and I can't get floss down beside it. Some pieces have fell of the back of it so it's half as thick as it was.

Also the backs of the lower jaw teeth felt very rough, like fine sandpaper. I couldn't bring myself to look in the mirror.

I gave up smoking in March and started to think about going to the dentist here in Thailand as it's cheaper and the people are nicer. I read the forums and people said that Grace Dental Clinic was expensive compared to Thai places, but cheap compared to London. I got the guesthouse lady to phone, 1200 for check and exam, and off I went.

They have an online map, used in conjunction with my map I found it easy to find. There's a sign at the soi entrance. It was a standalone building on two levels. I went up to the one that looked more occupied. There were about three females on reception and they said my name as I walked in. I had to fll a form in, most of which I left blank. I took a drink from the water-cooler and noticed there were customer tea and coffee making facilities.

As I waited I noticed that all the dentists had pictures to the right of reception. I'd heard it was all female, but it seemed mixed genders working there. Plus one of the receptionists was a ladyboy. This is good as I'm all for diversity.

About fifteen minutes after my appointment time a nurse led me down to the lower level. This didn't look as nice and is perhaps reserved for routine stuff. There were slippers provided but I wasn't asked to wear them and went in in my own flippies.

Inside the person in charge was about 30 and the nurse 50. She asked some questions about my health, which isn't great but I don't used doctors so I faffed about and she seemed confused and said she'd have a look. I lay back she used a needle type tool around my mouth for about fifty seconds. I looked at the older nurse and noticed she was laughing. They stopped and talked in Thai and I started to get paranoid, expecting them to say about filling this or filling that but she said in English it's OK.

She said I might get sensivity and to raise my hand if so. My face was covered with a cloth mask and they started. It went on for about forty minutes? Starting with a rubbing tool. Then scraping with a needle all around. When she got to the middle where it was rough-feeling, the needle kept being stabbed into my gums and was hurting and I thought about raising my hand, but recalled how unhappy I was with the rough feeling and perhaps if I complain she won't do it properly, but go too light? So I lay there. Then I felt some floss going in on the upper right and get stuck. Then they used some polishing tool. There was a lot of water going in but the older nurse with the sucking took kept it on the opposite side of the mouth and I had to keep swallowing. They mostly worked in silence. Sometimes they talked. Someone came in from outside and there was a conversation while they were working. Sometimes she would ask me to move or open wider but I only just managed to hear when I realised she was addressing me.

When it was done she said get up. I asked if there were cavities or problems and she said no. So either she didn't tell the truth, possibly thinking I'm insane or something, having refused to look in the mirror earlier? Or everything the English 'dentists' told me over a decade ago was a crock of s***. She said the bunching is crooked teeth, but normal. There's mild gum disease, but then quantified that it was only 'at the back'. She ended telling me not to leave it long again, but see someone every six months.

I went back upstairs. The ladyboy nurse said 1500 baht. I said the quoted price was 1200. S/he said it's 'from' 1200 and the guesthouse lady explained it to me incorrectly (possibly true), but the dentist has noted there was 'heavy deposit' which is extra. I considered it. They'd done the work with no money or credit card in advance, and no cash, so there was a degree of trust on their part and scope for a genuine misunderstanding, so I paid and thanked them.

Then I walked to Kad Saen Kew and had a celebratery coke, to put the first deposit back on my newly cleaned teeth! and was all done. This was two days ago. Since then there's been very minor pain where the stabbing was. No blood or problems. The back of the lower jaw which felt like fine sandpaper now feels like smooth porcelain and I can get the floss down OK.

The main thing I think about it all is bitterness about English dentists. How can it be every visit there's a new cavity throughout my childhood, then I leave it for over a decade and there are none? They were just ripping me off. I mean... this Thai dentist wouldn't say it was OK if it wasn't... would she? Even if I act eccentrically. Then I started to think... maybe she wasn't the dentist? It was just some trainee they keep down the bottom for the eccentric patients that won't look in mirrors or wear slippers.

But then I think, pull yourself together. You were expecting a couple of thousand in dental fees after all this time, and it turns out it was OK. Just accept that and be happy. It's Thailand, relax!

Starting Scanning and University

Date: 21st October 2008 1.30am

DN House, Soi 1, Ratchadamean Road, Thaepae, Chiang Mai, North Thailand.

I've been looking all around for a missing file, but eventually it dawned on me that this really is the longest I have ever not written to dear, dear diary since I left school. My neglect isn't lack of interest of caring, but rather business. I have, basically, worked my ass off. I have to keep up my self-esteem. In the same way that I went to England this year with a set plan and set things to achieve, and did indeed achieve all of those objectives, the same thing has happened here.

I settled with my long visa in Chiang Mai with the intention of finishing all the archiving and my course, and enrolling on another. I've done this. Concerning the archiving, I did most of it in Buddies Internet in Huay Kway Road near Kad Sean Kew. It was the only place I found where I could plug in my scanner and install the software. I tried to install XP on my little computer but by the time I started to get close to be able to do so, I was towards the end of the scanning.

My little black scanner, which A threw away and then recovered, turned out to be typically 'Made in England'. One, it was a brilliant idea in principle, made to no recognised protocol, poorly constructed and basically rubbish. It did photos far too dark, gray at the edges, and transparency film comes out so gaudy it's unrecognisable. However, I pressed on as I'd made my choice with it.

For the first batch, I did them and then had to do a visa run, which is half my visa used up and I realised that I'd not have time to continue this way, as the labeling and indexing was taking so long. So when I got back I decided to concentrate on getting the pure scanning done so that I don't have to carry them, then sort them out at I travel.

It was so much work. Sometimes I would leave Buddies when it closed at two am. and have to walk over a kilometer home past the snarling dogs in the dark. It was frustrating when there was a really good picture that the scanner was just ruining. But then I reflected on how much stuff I'd left England with, everything I own in the world, and the main thing is not to be carrying it. It's not so bad in a way. I still have selected best negs and all the transparencies. I can have a bit more professionally scanned just so they look OK and I have them digitally. I can copy the trannies manually with my camera perhaps. There's a certain irony I suppose. When I used to walk home in the dark sometimes I would reflect on how obsessive I used to be about photography. I had this dream of things working out in Asia and having some apartment some place and buying a projector and being able to sort out all the pictures into albums and project the transparencies. If, at that time, someone had told me there would be this thing called the Internet, and Cyberspaces, and that I would have my own crappy little scanner and I'd be adding them to my own website, I wouldn't have believed them. But then it scoured to me that if I had the choice, I probably would have chosen the way it actually turned out.

See the length of that paragraph? You can tell I'm doing a university course. Don't worry, there won't be a list of references at the end!

Look, that one's shorter. It will just take me a little bit of time to get back into it.

Oh, dear diary, so nice to be back chatting to you, and on my back on bed, isn't that still a wonderful novelty. Yes, the computer still works.

Anyway, to get back to the archiving. I used to spend so long in there that the air con made me sick. Also, I used their loyalty card, which is a large grid with one stamp per hour, and clocked up seventy two hours when it was full, plus the times I forgot to use it and the times I used it after. I think there's over a couple of thousand scans there.

This was one big box of negs I brought with me. I also brought photos in a box. Everywhere I asked wanted ten baht to scan them, ten each, so it would have been about a hundred dollars. I went on the message boards and asked if there was a good place and was directed up to outside the university to look at the places there, but they were all unsuitable. When I think about the day I walked up there, it seems like a million years ago. Eventually I found a place called Hopf for two baht each if I do it myself. This was about three or four hundred pictures. This was just three days.

The only other things to archive were three videos, one starting in Sydney when I was away from J. I've decided against them and am just sending them straight to her. That way if they have a purpose they are out there.

I also have two audio cassettes. One from the last night I was with J. with her voice on, from the fateful night that I bumped into her for the last evening and rather than get away, my life was changed for ever. The other tape was from the 1970's. Mother gave me a tape recorder and I used make tapes while I played with her cats upstairs alone. I was only about eight. It was twenty years plus later when I played them in England and I realised that, while I was alone making these cassettes as a kid, there are disembodied voices talking to me as I did so. Yes, electronic voice phenomena I unknowingly picked up the voices of spirits, there's no other explanation. I decided to archive these also, the send them to some psychic society and be done with them, because I am hell bent on giving up all my possessions and owning nothing.

Oh God, I had no end of trouble archiving those cassettes though. When I first realised I was going to the UK to get all my stuff and would need to do this, I had an address in Hong Kong where they could possibly do it. When I realised I could use the free software Audacity and a simple lead myself I was overjoyed, but it was so much trouble. I finally did them yesterday, but they play back the wrong tempo. I think it's something to do with the sound card, but the recordings I have should be correctable. I just don't want to own them.

I tried to do it when I first got there, then put it off, then finally did it in Buddies yesterday. I realised that the two cassettes are both the same thing, ghosts from the past.

So this is all my archiving. The other big thing was the course, which I've now finished. It's all OK. I did all the TMA's and get an eight-five percent average, which is a 'good pass' equivalent to a grade B. The tutor never mentioned about me not being at the tutorials. Sometimes I struggled to get them in on time, it was so hard to make a start or get all my notes together. I always made it though.

The last one was a timed TMA, exam style, which a choice of feminism or economics, I chose the former and did it in the basement of Kad Saen Keaw, which became a regular place for me on account of the free wifi. I was supposed to use the answer booklet provided, which I didn't have, but I did it anyway with a 'to hell with it' attitude of just doing the best I could with what I did have. Carly reposted it for me, so of course I was two weeks early, which probably looked a bit suspicious, but what to do? I got an email back from the tutor, I missed it as it came in as a Google conversation, but last I heard, she received it.

I registered for the second part of the course, then phoned the OU and was asked to send documents, but then they changed their mind and I painlessly finished the registration online. Now I understand how it works. I have six years of funding. That first course was only thirty points and I can do up to a hundred and twenty, so it was kind of wasted. This second year, I've used sixty, oh it's complicated, as I've considered so many coursed, and you can't do seventy points, if you do over sixty, you have to do a full ninety to get the full money, and there's so much I want to do. I don't know. I'll explain it all another time. I'm not in the mood now.

I phoned A a few times. She seems OK. Well, there is sometimes quite a bit of regret I can note. She once said how good it was to hear my voice,, which is out of character and I think something that a generally unhappy person says. She was saying how all her days are the same, which she often would say, but also that she remembers how it all was before the stroke, as it wasn't so long ago.

I had a conversation with her about one am. once as I was walking home, and she was saying about this aggressive woman who kept coming in the room and that she has to sit there with the door closed.

Also, G. turned up there. He lost a lot of weight and she didn't recognise them. This 'guy' turned up with an expensive bunch of flowers and the manager was with him to check it was OK, and she said it was as she didn't know it was him until after he'd left, so she complained to Carly and again the staff are saying that he won't be allowed in.

Brian and Carly aren't speaking as the latter wouldn't work for the former for free, though Sarah, my sister''s middle, goes there now and gets paid. Carly is training to be a nurse in Kettering and her partner Richard works for Carlsberg brewery doing night shifts. Brian doesn't go to A's at all now, though Geoff is still trying to get the pub off him (illegally). I googled Geoff recently, and found that he has a website for a business he's running with a partner 'The Whole Hog Company'. They organise food for groups where an event organiser pays per head and he comes with a pig roasting machine and roasts a whole pig and feeds everyone, with free apple sauce.

Yep, this is where twelve years of private education can get you in the UK.

I've had three visa runs into Burma since I've been here. Believe it or not but I'm still on the visa I obtained in Hull in England. The first time I walked right up to the airport to immigration and paid for a thirty day extension, then I went to Burma three times. The trips were generally uneventful, I was nice as I'd spend two days there and then pay for twenty-eight days here and get the monthly rate. As I can't stay as long this time I'm on ten percent off, one eighty, six American dollars. It's pretty good, but I still spent a bit too much. There's been an international financial meltdown recently. Those damned shares that Geoff bought me are the worst investment you can make on the footsie and the bank has been nationalised or merged or something. Those banks in Iceland that wouldn't let me have an account when I tried in England are all bankrupt now, so there's an irony in it I suppose. I'm still living on my own savings and haven't touched the inheritance yet, which is planned, even though I've spent a bit more than I planned. I'm not a wasteful person (long paragraph warning...), and I think carefully before I buy anything at all, but I do like to sit and drink in different places. Very fond of good food also. I've fell in love with two places here foodwise, and will goddam miss them so much. As I've been here so long I have to leave the country for three months at least, but I'll go for much longer.

You know, it was just February this year that I was in Jinghong in China. Perhaps because I saw so many things that it feels like three years ago or something.

There, is that paragraph short enough?

How about this?

Or this?

This?

Of course I haven't actually spoken to anyone. Usually I don't mind, but I was a bit down when I archived the tape with J's voice. I didn't listen to it or anything. It's just making me recall then evening, when things were so different. Maybe if I hadn't have bumped into her...

In the same way I noticed that in Northampton, there are a select group of males that were always alone, forlorn and hanging out in the same places I do, I realised that it's the same here... probably everywhere. There's this guy who goes to Starbucks in Thaepae, and in KSK, today he was there when I was, then in the coffee shop Wawee on the way home. He is kind of older cool, driving a miniature chopper with fire painted down the side, he's always on a laptop watching films, talks to the staff a little but always alone.

And there's a old Japanese guy always in Starbucks in KSK, reads the paper a bit (in Japanese) but always alone, and I never see him speaking to anyone.

Where do lonely women go at night? Not that I want to meet them... but every place had it's men that don't belong anywhere. I bet the Japanese guy has a retirement visa, and why not I suppose?

I'm no different except that I have a finite income at the minute.

I can't work out the Thai guy though. I don't know where he gets money; he's not quite old enough to be retired?

Oh don't start me on about Starbucks. When I first got here I was on the nicorette inhalers Going there in the morning for iced coffee was the big deal of the day. Then I noticed that the milk could be off so I would buy my own. Then the coffee was always too weak. The hot drinks are only luke warm, and I've seen quite a few people complain about it. One day I had a coffee that was so weak I had to take it back. So I went onto just water. Now the toilets are by requested key only, so there ends my love affair with coffee shops.

But it did get me used to being happy with a glass of iced water, which I think is a good thing. Also, I go to Lanna on Thaepae Road, which is nicer in many ways.

I've been through quite a few eating places. I used to go to Zest all the time. But I got sick of the band. Also the food was poor. One morning I went there about seven and the staff were still up drinking from the night before, and all sat taking the piss out of me, so I walked out and never returned.

I tried a new place Miguel's on the moat. Not new but new for me. I went as it was recommended on the message boards. It's Mexican, and it turned out to be one of the best restaurants in the world. I try and save it for when I have something to celebrate in some way.

Another place I returned to was the Italian Roberto's. I love everything they do, and the waiter is psychic concerning the things I want and a really lovely human being.

I started going to Pirates Cove near a big hotel. I went because of the wifi. It's run by an Australian called Mark. It gets a bit hot, but is OK when I need to spend all day on the Internet.

I've just checked the word count on this entry and it's longer than a book chapter! That's how much I've missed you!

My health was generally OK. When I first arrived I had a night booked at... some other place. Next day I ate at The Wall, then went up looking for a place I had booked but the provided map was insufficient to find it. I ended up coming to DN again. The rock-hard mattress was hard to get used to, and after about a week I could hardly walk at all, I had to just stay locally for a couple of weeks, but then I got a bit better and now I'm fairly used to it, and I guess that's worth knowing. Just a shame it has to disable me when I first start sleeping like this. Though this is the only place I know where the beds are like this as a standard.

Well, this was one hell of an update, but I might see if I can sleep now. I'm still agitated about the tape and having to leave Thailand and send my stuff away and ugggghhhhh..... I'll see if I can sleep.

Date: Tuesday 21st October 2008

MacDonald's, Night Market, Chiang Mai, North Thailand. 6.20pmlt

Just back from the station; I walked all the way there; I'm leaving Thursday, after all this time. I really did a lot of walking since I was here. I walked out to airport plaza a few times. Perhaps four times a week I went over to Kad Sean Kew, which is a few kilometers.

I'd intended to send the pictures to J, plus videos and cassette etc. but just couldn't face it. I suppose it's getting me down a bit. I feel a bit better writing about it when I'm somewhere new for some reason. I think perhaps I'm making headway, in dealing with the obsession itself. The archiving and getting rid of everything helped.

There was an incident on a plane between Singapore and Perth which descended suddenly. I had a dream possibly before it happened, but because of that there were pictures of Perth airport on the news, and that brought back a few memories.

For some reason, while here in Chiang Mai, I realised that the day A. told me about the missing photo was the anniversary of the day I found out M. was dying. So... well I think I've learnt not to give too much attention to special dates as they weigh on my mind each year.

While I was in CM, the film that was made about Northampton came on. It was something to do with shoes and I did think about mentioning it to J. just in case she ever reads a letter. I only watched the first little bit (I don't want to be reminded of Northampton), but the into music was 'Prettiest Star' by David Bowie, something to which I referred to J. in the past.

While I was trying to find ways to get XP to run on this machine, I got into bit torrents One thing I downloaded was an album "Let's Knife' by the Japanese Punk group Shonen Knife. Ages ago I found the song 'Daydream Believer' online, so it's on my player and I was curious about the lyrics. So I googled them and found a youtube video of Shonen Knife covering it. When I surfed further I saw their picture in an article, I think in rolling stone, and read they've been going since 1988, 20 years. I recalled being in the virgin record shop in Northampton and coming across this cd, I'm fairly certain by them... possibly even that album, but I didn't get it at the time as this was in the bad old days when cd's were thirty dollars.

Anyway, I got this album through the torrent, and it is the best thing I've ever heard. At the same time I got some stuff I used to listen to by the UK punk group Oi Polloi, though I don't like it so much.

I found it difficult to play Shonen Knife to begin with. Perhaps it reminds me of J. somehow. I think they wrote a song about Osaka. When I did get used to playing it I realised that there's a kind of yearning that comes on in me when I have contact with Japanese things, and thought that perhaps this feeling is so strong when connected with music because it's linked to one sense and takes me away from being present in the moment? But the more I played it the more the feeling receded and the music became something about now and the present somehow. Maybe it would feel like that for me to be in Japan? There's this magical place for me in my mind, but when I go and confront reality, it's a ghost?

Nowadays, I think of this awful feeling that I always run away from on reflex, and want to turn and face it. Like the Zen story where a man is being haunted by his wife and is instructed to hold an amount of random beans in his hands and ask her to state how many beans there are there... and when he does so, she disappears. Meaning, these things that haunt us in our mind have no substance when we turn and face them like good Zen students.

What is the essence of the desire that consumes me about this? Is it the same as fuels *all* desire? Perhaps to cure this I can be forever free of everything?

Next Day (technically)

DN House, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 3.55am.

Just been going through my stuff. I've achieved over two and a half... thousand? No, that can't be right. But I've archived a hell of a lot of pictures, negs and prints, so I've just put them in a bag to be left behind.

I recall leaving Northampton with the goal of coming here. I had the bags I could just about carry, with the goal of archiving it here, which I've done. Not only am I leaving that behind, but also I won't need the scanner. It 'owes me nothing' as A would say. Plus I have archived the tapes and a cd, so I can leave the two players. I've finished the course books I came with, plus audio cd's and dvd. I've done with so much. The two bags over by the wall look to be about four kilos. It's sad, but satisfying also, because it's gone, gone, gone forever. I've archived it the best I can and this is everything I own in the world.

We exist in the world with a sense of self that desires, and the way I see it, you can go two ways, you can appease self and try and consume and achieve things, or you can learn to want nothing.

Though I guess I'm not the only person to have thought that.

I came back from Night Market and got some podcasts. I bought a storage device for the computer. Then I went to Roberto's for the last time. Oh God, it was so tasty

I booked three separate places in Bangkok. First night in Silom, because the place came with good directions so I'll know where I'm going, plus it's near the places I have to shop. Second night is over by the airport as it's cheap. Then a night in Banglampoo. Then I'll decide where to stay for the remaining days. I must make a list of the things I need to do and buy. A bag is one thing. I waited as I want to travel on and see how much stuff I have left so I can guess the size I'll need.

Tomorrow I'll have a last wet burrito in Miguel's, and see if there's any chance of sleeping.

I must send the various bits to J also.

Concerning J...

I wrote concerning the obsession (I mean I jotted the observation in my notebook) I project the intangible onto the impermanent.

I bought a book a while ago. I would say 'on a whim', but really I rarely do anything on a whim. I thought about it for days, but I did get it. It was about a guy who lives in various realities. The reason I mention it is that there was a passage where someone said, 'No one is a hero to their driver', and that made me think of the way I idealise J. Idealisation, of a person at least, is based on blanks, i.e. having large gaps of knowledge about a person where your mind can fill in what it want to be the case. You would never idealise someone you know everything about them... unless they really were perfect, and if that was the case, you should take them as role-models in fact, rather than imagined idealisation of what might be.

Also, the whole thing isn't just me wanting me to be with her (how can it be, I don't know her?), it's more about me wanting to be someone else.

It was strange to archive the audio cassette with J's voice, as I made some of it here in Chiang Mai at New Year 1994.

Does this sound like I'm chopping all over the place in my thinking? Sorry, I should have mentioned that I'm actually writing up various notes I made as part of (yet another) retrospective.

Perhaps I should make it a bulleted list?

• The whole situation of not being wanted someone else being chosen, is so much a mirror of my upbringing that it can't be coincidence.

• She shouldn't have clung, or wanted to stay friends There was a certain amount of energy in my mind and we stayed friends and it attached to her, and she wanted to leave the possibility open, at least for me. Perhaps I could have just attached it to someone else. I didn't always feel it. It came on when I bumped into her and realised that she felt regret, then I was shocked that it was so persistent over time.

• Strawberries solution:

  • Just forget

  • Meet and be together

  • Meet and be friends

  • Find someone better

  • Find someone worse

  • Stay as I am but change the way I feel about it

• It's important not to underestimate how much it's an anti-transference thing i.e. the Orient represented everything that isn't England, and the energy it takes stops me (perhaps) having to face up to my feelings concerning the things that happened to me in the past.

Date: Wednesday ?22nd October 2008 10.27pm

Miguel's Restaurant, Chiang Mai, Thailand.

I came here for my last meal, but the heavens have just opened and I'm trapped. For the first time since being here I'm actually cold as the spray from the rain is going before the fan; I've been cold in the room also though, just these past couple of nights.

I send the pictures to J. and also a few to Darren. I decided against sending the video, just in case someone plays it. I think it would be embarrassing stuff on there and it's better to destroy it.

I'm on a bit of a downer to be honest. I think this is just the way my self goes when I'm a bit uprooted. Perhaps I'm not so much looking forward to the twelve hour trip? I should feel good really, considering how much I accomplished while here, and I'm well.

It's about J. as well. Even though I haven't written, she's still a near constant thought. It makes me mad in a way; I don't want to feel this way.

Of course I looked at the picture that A lost twice, the first time I've ever seen it. Damned A. I only noticed a day ago that on the back it says 'Rouen, France'. I didn't know that, so it's like the first time she's told me.

Oh, why couldn't I just get away in Perth?

The picture was from about eight years ago. She looks a bit slimmer, and her hair was longer. She had long white trousers on, which is a different kind of thing than I remember her wearing.

Perhaps I should just think about the trip?

I have the three different hostels booked. The first is in Silom, near the porn district, but I have definite directions. It sounds expensive, but the owners have contacted me already, so it comes across as a well-run place.

The second night sounds like a pain. The directions are to go to a station, then take a taxi. That's it. I emailed them for more info, but I don't know. The main thing is that it is cheap.

Third night in Banglampoo. After that I should be settled enough to find a place for the rest of the time, and I can concentrate on what I need to do there.

I want to go home now, but it's raining so hard I'll have to stay here for a bit. I might be able to write a bit later after I've packed.

Glum.... but grateful.

I must change my reactions to this. Often I think and get the usual yearning and then consciously recall my surrender and just remember that I've given it all away and it will sort it out for me.

ah.

Date: Sunday 26th October 2008

Roof View Palace Hotel

90/1 Samesean Soi 6,

Banpanthom,

Pranakorn

Thailand

12.32am.

Arrived OK. I spent the last day packing and didn't sleep at all. I came down and the room girl was there and said, 'Luck to you' as I left, which was nice.

I left at seven so I had an hour and three quarters in case I couldn't find transport. Even though I'd got rid of a lot of stuff I was still a little heavy as I still have negs and slides I was to professionally scan, various pictures to send to people, the audio-cassettes, my old passports I'm still deciding what to do with.

I walked up to just before the river and a driver stopped. I actually managed to get a good price and was driven there. Inside there was a cheap place for coffee. I sat there for an hour and a half. Then the train was there but I had to just wait fifteen minutes while it was cleaned. I got to my seat and the promised aisle seat was a window seat, but a girl of about ten had swapped with me. She was on my right and her mother and sister were on my left. She kept trying to chat and was quite irritating to me.

Twelve hours. I got some 39 bath headphones just to listen to podcasts on the trip and they turned out to be ideal. I has some chestnuts. The family got off after about eight hours, and a guy came. A girl from behind charged her phone in a plug before me, so I could have sat and typed, but I was still happy enough really.

We were an hour late. I phoned the hostel and they said they'd keep the room. At the station, I got the underground and was able to find The Urban Age. The girl was really friendly. All the rooms were themed and I was given 'The Japanese Room'. I went out and had a coke at KFC, then a subway. I came home and realised I'd left my clock in KFC. I didn't sleep for hours, but then woke up at 11.30am with half an hour to get downstairs. The reception was a typical hostel, so I had free coffee and put two bags in storage, then went to KFC. Yes, the clock was there. It's the white one I got in Sainsburys Northampton. So it's lasting me OK. I just wondered, sitting here, if A dies first, I wonder if I'd ever see it again (not that I want to). If I went back and there was no one there, then who would I see? Why would I be there?

Anyway, I had booked Asha for that night, right out from the centre, but they don't give directions other than 'get a taxi'. I only managed to find out the nearest underground station (well, skytrain) by googling it and finding someone's blog. I was mad. I got there and phoned for directions, and the receptionist put the phone down on me. I went to the street and got a tuk tuk. Once there, the same receptionist was curt. The room was 'in the ballpark'. I went out looking for somewhere to go but there was none, so I got food and came back to the common area by a little pool, where there was free wifi and actually was quite nice.

I couldn't sleep at all. I went and showered at about five am. and then slept, but soon after staff kept coming to my room with phone messages about a ticket to Calcutta. I told them I know nothing about it, but they didn't speak English.

I went down to the pool after checking out, and sat for about an hour. It had a hostelly feel to it with transients coming and going talking about places seen.

I got the skytrain and got off to the nearest stop to the computer shopping centre Panthip, but it was noisy and chaotic and I didn't think much of it. Then I went to Siam Paragon. I had a Subway and a really civilised relax, but the bookshop I was looking for was less than I expected. So, I had planned to look at photo shops but went to Saphan and got the boat to Banglampoo. I had a coke and went to a chemist for Nicarettes. They were 100B more than Chiang Mai, though she said it was the same price everywhere. I risked it and got the right price at Boots in Khao Sarn, though she had insisted there wasn't a boots there.

Then I went to a place I had eaten at before, months ago, but was ignored. A French woman joined me and she was instantly served, so I left. I walked back up Khao Sarn to look for somewhere. I noticed the man in Nat Guest House was the same guy who was there twelve years ago, as is the old guy walking round selling hammocks.

I went looking for the new hotel and got lost, A Thai hotelier helped me and I found it. I checked in, very nice, then went out for food. I couldn't choose and ended up having another subway. Walking back, I passed the Thai/Chinese place Suksawad, the place where me and Sun spent our first night alone (ugh). Then I put TV on and sat here typing.

Date: Thursday 30th October 2008

KS Guest House, Near the old New World Shopping Centre, Banglampoo, Bangkok. 12.12am.

Uh, I feel awful now. I've been dealing with some of the J. stuff, and whenever I do that, as you know, such a feeling comes over me that I can't shake, though there's other negative stuff.

I left that rather nice hotel and came here. It was recommended for wifi. They tried to steer me to a double, and this is an influence of hostelworld, as sometimes one person will book the room. But the night was intolerable. So in the end they did get me to move.

I had an awful day over the city. I went to the bus station, but the choices were too confusing and I ended up with no ticket. I came back and got my bag and a Thai local directed me onto the wrong boat, and the conductor got me off at a different stop, saying I could cross the bridge, but of course it was vehicles only.

I found a place to scan the negs, two places, and at both the machines broke in the time between me asking and me actually going back with the films. Today I've been culling and have a bag with the last of what needs doing, but the J stuff is there and it gets me down.

My camera broke. I have the older one still. Somehow the screen got smashed.

I did the I ching to ask if I should send J my passports, my old ones I mean, as I don't want to carry them. It said, 'there are no fish in the pond, and the problems this causes are going to get worse', cue me going on this major downer.

I only have two days now to shop and get everything done.

I don't know if I like Bangkok, but there's a kind of connection for me, in that I came here first, and lived here before meeting J. I walked past old Marco Polo Guest House today, it's gone and is a shop. The whole alley is developed, but it's the same woman at the little shop as I exited onto Khao Sarn Road. She remembered me when I returned to bk the first time, but wouldn't now I guess.

But there's a MacDonald's and Starbucks on Khao Sarn also now. I don't know how I feel about that. Older places are still there. The same man running Nat. Wally House, where I lost the Nova article. Seven Holder where I watched endless films, though they have a band now.

Up behind the Wat at the top, MerryV is still there. There used to be a girl, very forward teeth and distinctive face. There were two of them, sisters, always carrying bags in and out. Now there's only one and she runs it. Very cheap and laid back, but kind of depressing as I witness impermanence. I look at her and can still see the girl she was, and the woman she will be. I don't think the place has been decorated since I was there.

The New World Shopping Centre closed down, because of competition, it used to be so convenient. Also the restaurant by the river with a cute little baby wandering about has gone, just turned into nothing.

Today, as it's kind of a new moon, I went into my OU site. Good news, the DD121 site is open, but the other courses are waiting for me to return forms that have been sent out. So I have the option of trying to register by phone, or coming up with some way to explain why I can't return them, or the plan is over at almost the first hurdle. This realisation added to the mood today looking at J stuff and the I ching's message.

It feels like everything that could go wrong here has done so, and I feel really alone. I sat in MerryV today and considered if I have regrets. I mulled the difference between remorse and regret. I have much more of the latter.

I'm basically in the same situation the first time I was here. I wonder around by myself, eat by myself, occupy myself with work I'm passionate ab out but is of no consequence to anyone but myself.

Perhaps it's better. If I'm lucky, I might be one the way to a degree. I'm teetotal and non-smoking. My spiritual practice is more grounded. I'm more self-reliant and am trying to come up with ways out of it, and I'm giving up all my possessions in a type of surrender to a calling which I don't yet understand... but am driven to own nothing.

The thing is, as hard as it is to let go, I don't miss things I sent to J. If I can just get it all done here, then it will be behind me and I can concentrate on the study. Oh God, that looked a bit, worrying. There's so much stuff I don't have here, no cd's etc. I wonder... I think if I look at it properly tomorrow.

Date: Friday 7th November 2008

Aboard the Mekong Express Bus from Sihanoukville to Pnom Pehn

About 4pm.

The conductress moved me, so I'm unexpectedly comfortable and can get a few tasks done.

OK, I think my last night in Bangkok was 31st or Halloween I did actually get everything done which I wanted to be done. It was good. I stayed in the room for a bit, then walked down to Banglampoo post office and got everything sent off. Very nice now as I stay in some really mouldy little places and don't have to worry about having such precious things with me.

I bought the wrong phonecard, so only had a few minutes to phone, but the best news was that I did indeed phone the OU and am AOK, I was able to complete the registration by phone for the next course. I already have access to the site, and so it seems quite good. As I understand, I can still do the other courses should I so wish.

It was nice on the last night. Alcohol companies build plastic haunted houses on Khao Sarn and everyone was walking round with devil horns on.

I left on the first. I had stayed up working out where to send the ghost cassettte to. I realised I could save time having a taxi to National stadium and getting the skytrain from there, so I was missing out the boat section of the trip. I did so. The first driver didn't understand what I wanted, but the second got me there OK.

I again got smashed going through the turnstiles, and realised that they snap shut when they think two people are trying to go through at the same time, or when a dumb farang is going through with his bags.

I ended up at Om Nut very early. There was time for a coke at kfc. I was the first customer and there was something wrong with the mix and I had to send it back. Then I went shopping. I looked at some cheap speakers and ended up buying them as I felt guilty at making them open the packaging. I came back to the bus station and was again unsure which ticket to buy. I left the little bag with the computer on a bench and remembered as I was walking away from it. The bus itself was fine, and it dropped us off at Trat bus station out of town.

I ended up riding into town with two English kids, a couple. I don't recall their names but they were from Brighton. When I said I was 'from' Northampton they looked at each other knowingly as they had just gone up there to drop off an unwanted cat at a cat woman/mother they know there.

The guy made a big deal of shaking hands, as though we had a meaningful connection, but he's young and not yet used to the large amount of casual people that come and go when you're on the road.

I checked in the intended hotel OK and looked at my stuff. The clothes were OK, but speakers didn't work. They only played bass and drums and I couldn't here voice, which is useless as I bought them to play podcasts... so it was very frustrating to put them straight into the bin; perhaps I should think more of a computer speaker.

I went to KFC where the salad was finished, so it was fries and rice. Then bed.

Next day I checked out and the bus to the border left back at the station. My info said it should be 20b, the owner said 25b but the drivers asked 800! I got it to 40 if I wait for someone to share, but no one came and so I ended up walking back.

I was expecting to have to share a minibus with 16 people, but in effect it was very comfortable. It was mostly English people. We got there and someone put all the bags onto a trailer. I don't know what it was for but I guessed it wouldn't be free and so I pulled mine off and got stamped out at Thai immigration. It' was the last day of my visa, I had been there exactly six months to the day..

I knew there would be trouble at the border as the Cambodian immigration people have various scams to get more than the set twenty USD that the visa is supposed to cost. I lined up. The couple before me were asked for and paid 1100 baht, about fifteen USD too much. I gave them my passport and a twenty dollar bill. This was thrown back at me and the demand, 'get Thai baht'. The couple before me looked shocked, then superior, thinking I wasn't going to get it and they were so clever. I calmly picked up my passport and the bill and went and sat with the taxi touts. We chatted, they liked talking about English football, and I made a cheese and fruit bread sandwich.

I went back to the counter and was asked for just 1000B. I said no and again gave them my passport and a twenty dollar bill. They threw the money back at me, slammed the window shut... but kept my passport. I went again and sat with the touts. We talked about Cambodia, and the old boat service which is now canceled as everyone goes by bus.

I went back to the counter and they angrily demanded the twenty, and my visa was in there; the twenty was all I paid.

There was only one car to Koh Kong that wanted 300 but I'd read about someone who got a better price to the casino. I walked there, but there was no car. This same person kept coming, and in the end I did give him 300, but I was vastly overpriced.... then again, just the one.

We chatted on the way in. He touted various hotels but I stuck to my plan to go to the centre. I asked about his smart looking phone, as it's important not to talk about anything that can lead to you being taken somewhere you don't want to go.

I walked three streets to the hotel I'd planned on staying at. The road was flooded mud and I started to recall everything I hate about Cambodia. My flippies came off and were caught in mud.

I found the place. It was musty but OK. I went and ate at a place called 'dugout'. The owner was foreign (to Cambodia) and looked at me like scum when I sat there, then barked at me not to put my feet up.

I spent two nights in Koh Kong. The walls of the room were paperthin. There was an old UK man next door who sang all night and talked to himself On the second night I was walking home and someone's dog attacked me, leaving me bleeding on the leg with puncture marks and bruising which is yellow now, and I notice today that it looks worse than when it was first done.

Actually, the last time I was in Cambodia I was bitten also.

Uneventful bus to Sihanoukville, the beach I never got to see last trip. Checked in the intended place but it was very musty and no furniture. I stayed there three nights (I think). I did walk up to the beach, but it wasn't much. I did a fair amount of OU work, and got an email from Dave the tutor about a tutorial tomorrow at Northampton College. I also realised that, again, the last tma has to be handwritten and sent in, so very inconvenient, but I think it's OK.

I ran out of nicorettes, and just have low-strength patches; I think I'm a bit cranky. I woke up this morning and just decided I was leaving the country asap. I walked up the the Vietnamese embassy and got a visa in minutes, then bought a bus ticket, and here I sit, on the bus, going to Pnom Pehn.

Date: 24th December 2008 (Christmas Eve)

Kimuyen Hotel

Nha Trang

Vietnam. About 8.30pm

Well, I'm halfway up Vietnam at this point.

I stayed on the bus to Pnohm Penn and it arrived at night. It was raining a little when I got to Sisowath Quay and I walked to where I thought my chosen (though unbooked) hostel would be, and ended up hopelessly lost. I hadn't had time to print a map so sat near the palace looking at the map on the computer, but still couldn't find the place, or even be sure where I was and I started to feel unsafe.

So I thought I would get a bus to Capital Guest House, as at least I know it is safe, and it need only be for a night. Sorry, it wasn't a bus, I meant to say auto. It arrived and I had second thoughts about Capital; it looked so grim. I walked on a bit and asked at Nice Hotel but they were full, so I went to Dragon Guest House opposite it, which is where I used to sit and eat on my last visit. I walked up the stairs and the girl said there was a room but only for one night as it was booked. The female owner came and said she remembered me. There was various discussion and it was decided that I could stay as long as I want and wouldn't have to move at all. So I ate and was basically settled for the night. The room had Chinese-style ventialation, so it was hot, but I slept well.

Date: 28th December 2008

Unknown Hotel, Hoi An, Central Vietnam 1.40am

I arrived today. To continue the story... Pnohm Pehn (or whatever it's called) is kind of OK. I think it gets you down after time as there isn't really any respite. You don't get a great room, and there are no really nice places to sit and work, so I didn't stay so long. Also, I didn't really find a place I liked to eat. I used to go to this red place at night but then they ran out of drinks!

I ran our of nicorettes there. I knew this time I wouldn't be able to make it, but I found a chemist that had some really expensive ones.

I bought a ticket to leave from Dragon, to go to Saigon. On the last night at the riverside, I found an amazing place to go, like one of the nicest places ever, a kind of post cocktail bar with wifi for free... but it was too late, I was going.

In the morning of leaving, there was no pick up, so the owner put me in a tuktuk and I was taken to a waiting bus by the roadside. A curt woman put me in a seat other than my own because they were changing it round, though I had to seats by myself so I didn't complain. It went off and we stopped at a 'typical place' halfway to the border. By typical I mean... the kind of typical place buses stop at all around Asia, serving local food cooked fast. No thought to do something like print a menu for all the foreign people traveling around the country. So all non-locals just stand there looking at the food and stretching their legs for fifteen minutes until it's time to get back on the bus. Apparently, in all these places all around Asia, it has never scoured to any of them to try and sell the things to non-local speakers and even put a hand-written price in front of the vats of food. It's not as though they sell a lot of things and don't need the business. Like the little stalls around these places, they never put a price on and no outsider ever buys; they all just assume that foreigners never buy crisps, water or the unpriced. In Asia, no one is ever capable of empathy.

We got to the border. I was on a new bus called Sapaco that had only just started business, though it was really badly organised. It took an hour to get through as they took everyone's passports but didn't know what they were doing; it was come here, go there, they were telling to to do things contrary to possibilities, like go through locked doors etc.

Anyway, we got through and arrived in Saigon when it was late. I walked up 'Mini Hotel Alley'. I just wanted a rest, so paid fifteen US for a nice room with wifi, which I was too tired to use, and I went and ate in Sasa. I realised that Sasa was the place the Vietnamese girl I met on the bus last year recommended but I never made it too, funnily enough, this trip it became my main place.

The hotel I was in was called Cam, but it was out of my budget, and also painted in darkish blue, which I found depressing, so I went out looking for somewhere else. I walked for a couple of hours. I ended up just opposite of where I had been at Linh Hotel, a windowless room for ten US. Not great value but I thought it would be OK.

I had planned to be in Saigon until next year. Last time I was there my visa was expiring, and I had to leave before I was ready and I felt it was a place I wanted to settle and spend time in. I did settle in a way. I stayed in Linh, mainly as I kept my own passport and could pay daily, though they were unfriendly to be honest. Even though it was called a hotel, it was one of those guest houses where you have to walk through their living room to get to your room, and they made no bones of letting me know how irritating it was to them when I used to walk through and disturb their TV.

Where did I used to go in Saigon? Sasa at night. I went to Highlands a lot, which is an upmarket coffee house, there's one in the tourist area, a really good one in Behn market, well, near there, one near the river in the Prudential building I used to go to Diamond a lot as there's wifi in kfc. I never made it to the church as it's never open.

My flippies broke. It says something about the state of the free market in Vietnam that I only have a pair of size nines, three sizes too small, which I bought in a supermarket for five dollars, at least twice of what I would have paid in UK. I did see some, but the vendor wanted thirty dollars! And this is about the only thing I bought that wasn't food related.

I finished my first essay for the second part of the course, and got the result one night when I was in Highlands Prudential 68%, my lowest mark yet, and the tutor comments were harsher. I have a new tutor for this course... so I've been working hard to try and do better.

Did I say I ran out of nicorettes. Oh, yes, but I ran out again. I tried hard to find some and then just did without for a day, and couldn't take it, so I ended up buying tobacco and chewing it. Just normal tobacco Hopefully this isn't a permanent solution and I'll have to th think what to do about that.

I wasn't so happy there at the end. The noise got to me. I did finish making most of the scans into albums though. I was faffing about where to go and was almost on the way to Dalat. When I realised how cold it might be, I changed to Nha Trang at the last minute and bought a ticket with Sinh.

Oh, the reason why I left. I was in two minds, but one morning the owner at Linh came to the door. After I'd been there for three weeks paying American dollars daily, and said he'd taken a long term booking for today could I leave now. He said if the person didn't turn up I could come back later. This was unreasonable to me so I refused and chained my bag to the railing over the internal window and bought a ticket to Nha Trang

I spent a last day in Cine Cafe and booked a hotel called Kimuyen, and went to see a film. I don't recall what it was called but the story was by Nicholas Sparks and Richard Gere was in it; I liked the story but there was a group there talking and using phones. I realised that it was the first time I had been to the cinema since my day being abused by the police in London, about a couple of years ago by now.

The bus was uneventful. I was sitting next to a mainlander EU, eccentric who sang to his ipod, but turned out to be nice enough. We stopped for lunch at the same place I stopped the last time I did the trip when I met the Vietnamese girl. When we arrived at Nha Trang a woman from the hotel was waiting for me and I got a free taxi to the hotel.

Kimuyen was ten dollars. Next day I really friendly woman chatted to me and I ended up paying eight per day week in advance sans breakfast, which was fine by me, especially after a couple of days when I realised there was free wifi. I had a balcony. Downside, the mattress was foam and the furniture was fit for a dolls house. I was sitting in the chair one night when I snapped the arm of getting up. I put too much weight on it because of my bad leg. I told them the next day and when I got home at night the chair was gone and there was a free bowl of fruit left for me; perhaps in case I felt bad about it.

One day walking into town, the girl from Truch Linh, where I stayed last time, not only remembered me, but actually used my (old) name when she ran up, shook my hand, and tried hard to get me to come back!

First day there I ate at Rainbow Divers because of the wifi but it was patchy and owned by someone English, so I never went again. They remembered me at Amis so I used to go there daily, but they started watching TV all day and never put any fans on, so I went off that also. I used to go to Louisiana daily for the wifi and that was OK but the music was dire. I found a much better place for wifi called Ching Kong, but Christmas eve I found a dirty tissue in my sandwich. I complained and that waiter said, 'Did you eat some?' and I said 'Yes', thinking it was empathy that I'd eaten dirty tissue and might now get the waiter's hepatitis, but of course he was Vietnamese and not capable of empathy and 'Did you eat some' meant, you ate some of the sandwich and so must pay for all of it. I didn't argue as it was Christmas eve and I didn't want to argue.

I have the policy of not going into restaurants where they stand outside and tout, which means there are very few places I could go to. Actually, when I went of Amis there were none. So, I booked a ticket to leave early.

Christmas day I went for a coke in Louisiana, and went home with weetabix and cheese crisps for the room , sonsoling myself that it was better than any Christmas I ever had in UK.

I had a really unlucky spell in Nha Trang also. I trod on a piece of wire in the street and cut all my foot open, broke the chair, fell over the draw in my room saw a motorbike accident, it was just thing after thing.

I got most of the scans uploaded though, and finished my study block, so it was quite a productive time. I had my hip flare up and limped for a bit, but am just recovering now.

When I left Kimuyen gave me the last day's rent back, though I didn't ask for it, they insisted, so they were really fair. I had average food in 'Good Morning Vietnam' and got on the sleeping bus to Nha Trang. I was shocked at this. It was kind of a bed on the second tear that wasn't long enough for me, horrible, and the woman next to me agreed. Plus I was laying there with all my notes and computer on top of me. The only consolation was that we arrived two hours early. My chosen hotel was full so I checked in the place I'm currently in typing this. Ten US and the girl is friendly, but it's damp and overpriced, so I'll look for something else tomorrow. First impressions of Hoi An are not great, but I was tired and I'm being a bit of a Christmas Grump at the minute.

Phew, up to date!

Date: Tuesday 30th December 2008

Thanh Binh Hotel,

1 Le Loi Street,

Hoi An.

About 1am.

Ugh. I've had a horrible time really. The first hotel was quite damp and I woke up with back pain. Well, actually, I woke up OK but twisted slightly and it came suddenly. I had to sit still for an hour just to get some abatement. I thought I might be able to get a better deal and so checked out, then ended up walking for two hours and ended up in this Chinese Hotel which turned out to be even worse, it's almost like someone threw a bucket of water over the mattress and it's inside a fridge. I'm surprised by how cold the place is.

Yesterday (though it feels like today as it's still the same period as I woke up in, I decided to move again as this room is the back one they give out... you know, they put all the poorest stuff that doesn't work into the least popular room.

So I ended up walking all around. The whole place has this musty smell, I mean even in the street. Eventually I ended up at Hop Yen, reputedly the worst hotel in town, and even there they only had the dormitory left. I decided I have a better chance of settling somewhere and getting some work done if I just leave. My options going north were Hue or Hanoi. There's nothing in Hue last time I was there, but it's on the way and I'd still have the option of leaving the next day? So I booked a hotel and emailed for a pickup, no idea if that will work out, I'll check tomorrow, then I came back to this same soaking bed. It's not even cheap.

I've eaten some nice food though, and my back feels a little better at the moment... though I'm sitting on the chair avoiding lying down at the moment.

I want to type up some notes I made to wrap this up.

One thing that came back to me was about Christmas day. I was in Louisiana and I had this 'moment'. One thing, there was a woman eating there before me who was the spitting image of Junko, but she had either some kind of spasticity or a very severe facial twitch. One minute she looked like J, the next minute she was really distorted

A long time ago I finished the scanning, I think I mentioned it, the last thing I scanned, ever, after scanning every pre-digital picture I ever took, was the picture of this Aborigine I took outside of Perth library, the last picture I took before I met J.

This is a fragment I wrote in my notebook, but I don't recall when, it's from quite a few months ago, whatever sparked it.

Dear Universe,

I surrender.

Everything I tried has failed.

I feel awful, empty.

I don't have anything or know anyone. I can never get on with anyone and all people are impermanent – and ultimately leave even in the best of circumstances. So, as the pain of goodbye is worse than loneliness – I've given up even bothering to even try or hope to know someone.

But that doesn't work either. There are yearning memories, broken dreams, crushed spirit and long evenings to get through.

Thank you for all that blesses me. I am yours and wholly surrender.

Please help me find my answer,

Sunken servant,

Another note I made, about when I was out shopping one night in Thailand, I mean just at the supermarket. A woman went past me and dropped the case for her mobile phone, but it was a fancy one. There was no one else in the aisle. Just I saw ir fall down and she walked past me and I just glanced at her and carried on shopping. But after she was gone I stepped over it to leave the aisle and it bothered me how avoidant I've become. I mean, I have avoidant personality disorder, quite obviously, but I've always had the pure basic essence of what makes us all humans; a basic connectedness or something.

This leads quite neatly to something that happened today. I was watching a documentary about China on TV. It was a school. The students were about nine. The woman in charge of the class wrote about that particular lesson, 'learn to love your eraser'. Then she said she would find the worst eraser in the whole class and checked everybodie's, and found some boy who had written over his. So she humiliated him in public and made him apologise to his classmates, kept going on and ridiculing him until he was in tears.

I was very mindful of the way it affected me. It has kind of affected me all day. I've felt a mixture of anger, despondency and hopelessness. I kept thinking back to how this kind of thing happened to me weekly when I was a kid. I felt a kind of pride that I haven't come to anything and spent so much of Britians' resources overseas, never voted, never took part in society. This is the way my consciousness has gone. But sometimes when I think back to it, my schooldays, and remember being around the unprincipled, violent and aggressive people who were in charge of me there's a feeling of overwhelming powerlessness and I know deep down it damaged me to the point of me having been broken in some way that can never really be fixed. Everything I might have become at one point was taken away from me and in an evil way that was sanctioned by society.

Oh, to change the subject, did I say about November the fifth this year? I have a feeling I did actually. Yes, I did. Anyway, I was in Sihanoukville, in a restaurant called Holy Cow, and America's first black president won the election.

A note I made from a long, long time ago, from my last day in hong kong. I was hurrying with all my heavy stuff before the scanning, and I went past Kowloon Park and say a huge, gnarled tree. It both made me think of the one in Kings Park in Perth where I photographed Junko, as well as the countless ones I've seen in Chinese paintings. I felt a kind of yearning. Yearning for J... and kind of yearning for a vague Orientalness that somehow isn't Englishness and lifts me away from whom I was and means something else exists which is nothing to do with it and I can somehow merge with it and not be me. I realised that people have a kind of essence, that vague something which is them in your mind when you think about them and they aren't there, but other things have that essence too, like cultures and ideas. If someone asks you if you like something that isn't actually before you you are judging its essence

Essence can be missed even though it's there; perhaps it's a link to something else? Oh, what am I talking about?

I think I also mentioned the sign at the top of Khao Sarn road; 'It's not where you go but who you meets'. I thought about that, and unless you add 'that ends up hurting you', it's not true. It's where you go!

Ah, another note I want to talk about... or did I? About going through all the scanning, and I scanned the room I was in in Puri when I first got sick, over a decade ago now. I did loads like that and suddenly the next one was Joanne, and even though I didn't like her and she not me, the contrast hit me, how alone I was then (and now). I mean, I knew I was alone, but I never really comprehended how much I needed not to be. Perhaps this is how it is when we leave our bodies forever? Our lives flash before us, but with new distance and perspectives of how things should have been?

These notes are really disjointed, though I would like to do them before 2009.

One I wrote about arriving in Saigon. I was really tired off the bus so just stayed in the first place I arrived at for one night. It was a standard mid-range room. Tad out of my budget but a little nicer than I usually have, with TV, fridge, space to swing a cat etc. and I had this high where I had arrived to a place carrying all I own and it's so little, and the room is nice and just thought to myself that this is as good as it gets. I don't want any more from life than to be in that place with what I have.

Next note, about going back to cafe de Amis. I was behind with my work so did some OU study and had a moment of clarity, that the last time I was sitting there I was studying for university entrance and only looking into the OU, now I was back and well on the way. That was a good feeling.

I had a strange day on Saturday 7th December. I couldn't stop meeting people. First, the man in Amis remembered me and came and said hello. Then I bumped into the woman in Truch Linh who remembered me, then a Russian woman stopped to ask directions in the street, to somewhere I actually knew and could help with sign language, and lastly in the evening spoke to a Swiss-French speaker over dinner. I checked and realised that in astrology, transiting Venus was exactly over Pluto and the natal moon.

Something I realised about Saigon. When I was first there, my visit was cut short because my visa expired and I wanted to stay, and had really looked forward to going back. When I did so I got tired. So the first time I didn't have time to get tired of it. Perhaps it would be the same seeing J again?

Last note, for now, is about how I suddenly realised that I"m far too aware of what goes on around me. I notice everyone and everything and am often freaking people out when I accidentally keep catching their eye. I decided to stop. That's how it is in the Zen temple when I went, they teach you to keep eyes down, especially over dinner, unless you have some reason to look around, You should have attention mostly inwards. I resolved to do this... but then wondered if it was too avoidant, if I do this I would start to lose whatever little thread it is left that still attaches me to the people around me?

Ugh, I don't know. I'm going to brush my teeth and lie down on this wet mattress and try and sleep.

Lovely to speak to you again dear dairy.

Date: 31st December 2008

Hoa Thien Hotel, 09 Nguyen Cong Tru Street,

Hue City.

Central Vietnam. About 11.15pm

Aren't these special days always a let down because of the expectation?

I have to update fairly quickly, as I was to do my usual practice now of doing New Year Magic, starting a new practice and listening to Gill Fronsdal.

I left that place. I sat in the Salmon Pink Same Same cafe then went on the web to see if the hotel in Hue had answered me to say they would pick me up. They hadn't. I got on the bus and it was really pleasant, going through the country. We passed the ocean and there were all these little round bamboo boats on the ocean. I remember on the way up at night how each one had a neon strip over them and they lit up the ocean with these little orbs of light.

Anyway, we arrived and no one was waiting for me, so I just left and found the wifi hotel, but it was damp and the woman wanted more than I expected so I stayed next door, where I am now, which advertises wifi but doesn't have it. But, the bed it dry and that's the important thing now.

I looked at two places across the road today but they weren't as good and one got aggressive when I didn't check in.

I went shopping and found a new supermarket, which was a lovely surprise. Two young women were there and asked to have a picture taken with me, which is always good for my ego, but then at checkout I was elbowed out of the way by a another young woman who just decided she wanted to be served first and pulled me out of the way. I let it go, because I think a lot of them have only ever shopped in little places where that's how you act, so they don't know any better.

After I went to KFC, and it was a lovely hour of warm civilisation. A dry place with bright lights turned on, heaven.

Then I came home and rested, then went out for a pasta arribiata in a place getting ready for a party with a guy who wouldn't stop messing about testing his mike.

Then I came home and here I sit.

Last night I was getting ready for my end of year review and plan of the next, Dharma Willing. Last year I was sitting looking at the stars in that little hut in Chiang Saen heading to Jinghong, with the plan to go back and get in gear. It seems so long ago and I made a list of my achievements for this year. It really is a hell of a lot actually.

Recap - Achievements of 2008

• Took the Zen Precepts at Buddhist Abbey

• Stopped smoking

• Made it to the UK and back

• Saw dentist for the first time in over a decade

• Started university

• Completed course DD121

• Enrolled and started course DD122

• Enrolled course M150

• Obtained second year university funding

• Learnt to use Linux

• Saw new places

  • Sihanoukville

  • Hoi An

• Archived all photos and slides

• Sent love box back to J

• Changed my name

  • Got new ID's

• Disposed of most possessions

• Got a new passport

• Joined the student union

Wow. A lot. More than I will most years as I went back to do it all.

Then I wrote up my plan for this year.

2009 Objectives

• Dentist

• Whitening/clean

• Stop nicotine

• See new places

• Japan

• Korea

• Pai

• Further the J resolution

• Obtain year three university funding

• Start level two psychology course

• Start level two English course

• Obtain phone/console

• Obtain new camera

• Obtain study books

• Formerly practice meditation somewhere

• Wholly finish the archiving

• Finish DD122

• Obtain Soc. Sci undergrad cert

• Finish M150

• Finish Strawberries

• Finish The Magic Buddha

• Routine

Yep. So that's about it then.

I'm sitting here in a winowless room alone... but I think it's better than last year. I'm warmer and dryer, I have a TV should I want it. My scanning and possessions are sorted out, as is my new name, a moving on I've wanted to do for a long time. As usual, I spent the year alone, but it's OK as that's what I do, but I did accomplish a lot. I'm grateful for many things, and feel good overall.

With that, I stall ready my candle, prayer and magic, bow to the shrine, go and look at the stars and come back to start the year listening to a dharma talk and meditating. May all beings be happy, and roll on 2009

Dream Retrospective

Again in retrospective as I have so much less time for the dear diary now. I'll try harder in 2009.

Tuesday 22nd April 2008

I was examining my teeth and descaling them.

Interpretation

Must keep looking into seeing someone about this.

Retrospective: been to the dentist now, and fully descaled. AOK.

Monday 28th April 2008

I way in Hong Kong staying with Jackie in Budget Hostel, Mongkok. I wanted to pay rent but he kept trying to increase the price.

Then I was in another hostel in the same building. The owner had a child with a doll of a monkey called Charlie.

Interpretation

Maybe better to stay longer in the second hostel I booked ?

? Sunday, some time in May.

I was entering Hong Kong. Someone told me that it wouldn't be cheap for many years.

Then I was in a doctors office, possibly a psychiatrist/psychologist. In his office, there were doors on the wall. Some of them opened to a brick wall and led nowhere.

I was in a hut with dog excrement on the shelf.

Interpretation

Some psychological paths of growth possibly aren't growth at all.

The hut could mean my solitary life of travel, and that some paths will lead to a continuation of that, and that this isn't best for me.

Another way of looking at it. Hong Kong not always being cheap indicating I will need an income at some point. The psychology aspect represents my current study, though not all courses I might do can lead to a career. The hut full of dog excrement can mean being alone, or not having had sincere friends in life.

? Tuesday, Late may 2008

I was teaching in a school of quite young students. I was at the entrance to a lift and I spoke to my mother on an intercom. I got in a lift and went up. I got out and walked down a hall and into a room that was a bit like a hotel room and couldn't find M., but then I looked and saw her on the bed. I was really happy to see her and physically affectionate.

Then the same room had somehow changed to a classroom for younger children – whom i was in charge of teaching. There was a group of school inspectors there. I was explaining to them how i feel comfortable teaching the children – and cited the various benefits of this.

Interpretation

It could be saying that my current studies will have various benefits. i think also it could be saying that, even though my own upbringing was pretty messed up, that doesn't mean that i can't overcome it and be a good parent myself, whether to my own children or just children generally.

Or possibly it could mean, and perhaps more likely, that it's possible for me to become more at peace with my own childhood.

Saturday 15^th June 2008

I was in a hotel room. A arrived outside and told me there was a letter from Junko telling me that it was to be her last letter and that she was with someone else. I knew that A was reading my private stuff and ran outside to take it off her.

The letter was from India and started with a summery of her news. There was nothing about never writing again or being with someone else, though I had the intuitive feeling that she was with someone called Tom. I felt really happy for her and thought 'You go girl!', -- because she was out there living her life.

Then I stepped outside and was in Vietnam. Somehow i think Junko was linked to this place. I took my temperature. It came out as normal but i broke the thermometer while taking it. There were three transsexual Vietnamese prostitutes, middle-aged and unattractive, flirting with me but I waved them away, disinterested.

Interpretation

Perhaps some of my interest in J was interest in my own anima, and as I'm now slightly more integrated, this has lost some of it's power.

The first part is how A. was domineering and deep-down didn't want me to find someone.

The older prostitutes part perhaps means coming to terms with my age and the simple fact that I didn't find anyone.

Monday 16th June 2008

I was some place in a kind of town, but I was looking over into an adjoining town, where I had some kind of link. I went over to the town. I had some kind of set up and was electronically recording something. When I checked the set up it was unexpectedly recording. I watched the tape reels going round and felt quite pleased with myself.

Then I was in a car on the road with Carly We were going out to buy a car, should I want one. She didn't know if I wanted one, but this way, if I did, it would be there for me.

Interpretation

The recording is my current work or cataloging my last possessions and getting rid of them, saying that I'm on the right track and to continue.

The second part suggests that Carly is there to help me should I ever need it.

Alternatively, the tape part could just mean the way I obsessively record my life.

19th May 2008

I was speaking to a Chinese woman. I was telling her how good China was and she was showing me a shoe and jokingly apologizing that it was to be exported the the USA.

Interpretation

Fragment.

Junish time 08, Thailand

I was in a Thai hotel. I cut off my penis and chopped it into small pieces. I put it in a bag for a while, then tried to reattach it by just pushing it on. In the dream, I had done this previously and was fairly confident it would work out. When it didn't work, I started thinking about going to a hospital but didn't know how I'd explain being in this position. I ended up using some super glue and it was OK.

I went outside and looked into the sky and realized I could see a satellite. I was shocked, then realized that I was in, and part of, some kind of space museum. It was some kind of inflatable satellite that wasn't really millions of miles up but now the whole thing was kind of believable. I spoke to Junko somehow. She told me she was with someone but said it in a really friendly way. I told her that I knew this would be the case.

A while later I contacted her again to offer my congratulations.

I said hello to the [can't read as my pad got wet] lady who was living [can't read].

Interpretation

The penis is celibacy after knowing J. High satellite is idolizing J and coming down to earth now she's with someone.

(Saw UNEP on TV after writing this down.)

Saturday ?14th June 2008

I was on a plane over Thailand that started nosediving. I thought we might die so started chanting the Buddha's name and said goodbye to the person next to me. But then the pilot regained control and we were OK.

Interpretation

Reminds me of a dream in Kathmandu... was it just before or just after major trouble?

It seems generally positive.

Monday 6th July 2008

I was at a school reunion and met Dawn, Simon's last girlfriend when I last saw him. She told me she was still with him.

Interpretation

?Reintegrating with self before travel, i.e. reintegrating the person I am now with the person I was before 1993.

?20 July 2008

Chiang Mai, Thailand

I was giving someone directions to the post office. I explained that they'd have to go across a park, and explained that the tourist board were at the end when they got there (and was impressed that I knew that for some reason).

Then I was there myself with an Asian girlfriend. She asked at the counter about sending a parcel and was told to wait for S.T.A.R.K. It was over an hour and she got impatient/worried they weren't coming – but I had been there before and knew that they would come in their own good time.

Interpretation

Don't know.

Tuesday 21 July 2008

I was in a bus station trying to get somewhere but wasn't sure where. Darren was there and got on a bus to the town centre but then I realized that's were I was going. It drove off so I ran after it but then I couldn't get the driver to open the door so it had left without me.

Then somehow I was in a different bus going along a coast. I had my computer and some work. An examiner came and looked at my work, which somehow involved a sandwich which she was really impressed with. She helped me with the work. On the screen, every time I entered a code, a monster would appear in an ocean in a place that depended on what I had entered. She was explaining where it's supposed to appear and how to do it.

Then I was in a pub waiting for a lady friend who was much younger than me. She passed with her friends and came in alone. We sat there for a while and I drank alcohol. I felt a little drunk and regretted it. I had to go and get something from a shop. I walked for mile and back and then realized that I could have just got it next door. I asked the girl if she wouldn't have rather stayed with her friends her own age and she said that she would in a way. I opened my computer and it had been pulled apart, all the keys were loose and the screen unattached etc. I asked who did it but no one knew anything about it.

I walked up the street and felt profound regret because I really needed that computer.

Interpretation

Darren's life diverged from my own.

The monsters, and controling them, could be my secret work of shinning the light of awareness on the monsters within.

Not sure about the girl. Perhaps I should have devoted less of my consciousness to romantic regret and more on my real work.

16th August 2008

I was playing crazy golf at night.

There was the feeling that the dream related to alcohol... (on waking)

Interpretation

Fragment.

27th August 2008

Thailand

I as watching a film in a London cinema but fell asleep. The woman told me I could lay downstairs where there was a bed, but not there. I went down and there was like a dormitory for the homeless, and after a bit of faffing about, I was given the last bed. Then I went down to the docks and took a boat out to a new-agey type farm. It was very much like a place I went on a school holiday once, except now it was being run by my photography teacher and his wife from college. I looked at some very ornate jars, but his wife came over and explained in a stern voice that they were essential oils and it was very, very important I not touch hem.

Then it was another day in the same place, or later perhaps. I looked at the shop they had and noticed some flip flops for sale. I looked at one of the jars, it had rosemary in and I opened it, but was horrified when I couldn't get the top back on. I prayed to be able to do so but just couldn't.

Then I was back in London, but really unhappy. My flip flops broke and I was barefoot. I left on my own boat which was controlled by a kind of computer game. I set it to an experimental turbo mode, it was very difficult to use it until I realized how to have the vision looking forward rather than to the side.

When I arrived at the destination it was night and I was now transporting a group. I noticed my flip flops were still broke and decided to buy some when I saw some. The group had gone ahead and I went after them and was shocked that I was back at the farm, though they were off on a bridge to the right of it. I went there and they had left and gone down to the right, so I went after them. I crossed a road and there was a woman haggling with a driver. I stood there to find out where she was going as then I knew where I was supposed to be going also, but I didn't want the drivers to think I wanted a lift. It turned out she, and everyone, was going to the Chinese border. The driver asked if I wanted to be driven and I said I'd walk. He agreed it was possible, and said I could carry on to Osaka.

Interpretation

Being unhappy in England, I was doing the photography class just before I left.

As I recall, rosemary is a magickal herb to attract love, so I think the top coming off is my obsession, i.e. the desire getting out of hand.

Once the obsession started to end I it was easier to progress in some way, looking forward.

I was horrified to be back where I started, i.e. to stop idealizing J. But then I'd decided to do something about it by going to Osaka.

Dream: one Friday in October 2008

I was looking at a scene in the UK where my dad was lost in a carpark, looking in vein for his car.

I was in a street in Asia.

I was in a kind of fast food restaurant. There was something on the floor that was somehow a representation of myself, and my senses had, 'sense collecting data' in them, and I understood that this meant that I was learning about things at the moment and getting ready for things rather than doing them.

4th October 2008

I was in a computer room in Gold Regency hotel in New Delhi, planning to have a drink and then recalling that I'm teetotal and deciding not to.

I went into a dormitory in the back and there were four women there. They might have been trying to flirt or something but I wasn't interested. Some guys came in and settled into their beds and so the women were forced to move. I heard the guy's talking and imply that the women were squatting. I started to think that the whole thing was funny. I went and spoke to the girls and they insisted that they had paid to be there, though one of them had just checked in after going bankrupt.

Date: Saturday 25th October 2008

I was in a public toilet urinating next to a Japanese guy. The tiled surface of the wall urinal was uneven, no matter what I did I sprayed, mostly myself but also the guy next to me. But he was doing the same.

After we had finished he apologised to me and I said it's OK as I was doing the same, so we both laughed about it and hugged each other.

Interpretation

One of the things I've been doing to try and heal my obsession with Junko is to try and get angry. To consider the fact that I was never her choice, that she wrote to me in Sydney to tell me I'd have to sleep on the floor.

But I think this counsels me against it, and says we were two people recently wounded in love, and what happened wasn't really intentional from either direction, and to see it in this correct way.

November 08 Somewhere around Cambodia

I had an obe but flew out to somewhere other than my hotel room. There was a red Chinese shrine and I drifted towards it

?19 December 2008

Nha Trang

A was in bed and had wet herself

I was walking along a sunny road with lots of other people, I was kicking a ball and it was something to do with 'culture' (the ball I mean).

December 2008

Vietnam

I was in some kind of a photo developing section of a travelers hosteler gave a film to be developed, which was colour swatches, like a chart of possible colours, but when she gave them to me they had all come back back with a black misaligned shape across them, like a cowboy or something

Then it was night. I was the developer in a bar with her boyfriend. They were wary of me, thinking I had come for revenge, but I wasn't and didn't want to upset them, so I left.

Interpretation

The colour swatch is meeting Junko when it was all potential... and I was all potential, and the black misaligned part is it not working out.

Now I'm on the way to look for her, and this is a likely possibility, not being interested to see me and me leaving without wanting any trouble, but just being compulsed to try somehow.

Euro Jaunt to see A

Date: Friday 14th March 2008

Location: Somewhere Above Russia, Flying from Hong Kong to London (ugh)

I bought the Asus. I'm inboard now flying out. Very, Very nice flight; I'm really impressed with this airline.

I can't recall when I last wrote, so I think if I just write from leaving Guilin, that'll give me something to do until my battery runs out.

OK, it's always hard leaving Guilin, but I got on the train. Hard to remember now, but I remember that I didn't meet anyone. Arriving at Guangzhou, I already know the city, but directions to riverside yha were poor.

But I got there. It was a very nice location. I got into a lovely routine of working on the plan and thinking about my new name. God, I've given it some thought, and still it's difficult.

The hostel was over the Pearl River from Shamian Island. In the evenings I could take the boat over. I was really upset to find out that Blenz Coffeehouse was closed down; it's just a private residence now. I was planning to spend my days there thinking about the plan, and when the usual cyberspace over the city overcharged me I stopped going to the city centre.

Shamian's very atmospheric, I think. At night time the lighting is yellowish and usually it's slightly misty, it can be a bit depressing actually, sitting near the park by Starbucks. But it ended up that my habit was taking an evening meal at Lucy's, something that I came to love.

The area around the Youth Hostel is lovely for strolling. One morning I got chatting to a guy; he was a security guard posted in a little hut. He was only early twenties, and I think called Peony. He lived in the poorer area and used to be a tour guide, mainly for Nigerian people. He was also self-employed in garments or something. We actually met rug Saturday, er, that's tomorrow actually, I have a day shopping and paying for other accommodation. Then Sunday I come up to Northampton where I have two days in a guest house or something, in Abington. That's fifty pounds but pretty close to A's house, plus it's summer of course, so dormitories in London are expensive at fifteen to twenty.

It's all flooding back to me now. Wandering around Finchley with nothing to do, nowhere to go. But as I've stated on millions or occasions, I do have these set reasons. In and out.

Anyway, Tuesday I leave Northampton, objectives are to have applied a passport with a witnessed name change deed, to have applied for OU funding, and then a ticket back to Hong Kong.

I have a night in Jamyang Courtyard Accommodation, a Tibetan Buddhist Place in Elephant and Castle, which should be interesting. Then next morning, a ticket to Newcastle. One night in Albatross dormitory, then the precepts for seven days at Throssel. Leaving there 'after brunch', It will be about midday, so I'll have about twelve hours until my midnight bus, back to London at six am, then another six hours in London until midday when I leave back to Northampton, then I have a week in the Grand Hotel for 110 sterling. And, this is what I planned and arranged, as well as new name possibilities, lying on my back by the pavilion park riverside promenade.

I checked out from there; it was another place I didn't want to leave in a way. I'd already arranged the bus, so it was pretty easy getting down and over.

I had somehow double bookings in Hong Kong, but kind of worked it out. I ended up with a really friendly kid, but miserable female. He have me bad advice about using phonecards, but was helpful otherwise. The room was a standard Hong Kong shoebox, but clean.

I bought this Asus at Fortress. Oh God, I don't even want to write it down. Briefly, I asked in the Mongkok branch and they only had white, checked on the computer for other stores and showed me there are zeros, a long list, and I just had the very strong intuition that he was lying. So, with credit card in hand I just kept going. I went back up and phoned customer service, there are SEVEN black ones in the ocean terminal. So I went and got that. I was looking at it and when I turned around, the guy had walked off with the credit card and was standing there waiting for the PIN.

I sat and typed in a cafe, all is good. Then realised speech marks don't work. Then by nighttime it was crashing and I got worked up and decided it would have to go back. So customer service said I could leave it there if there's a fault and pick it up when I get back.

I went to HKTA, and they were helpful, as they always have been. Then I went back to the shop, they did an F9 reset and it was just fine. Ugh, they come across as.... I don't know. Perhaps retailers are the same anywhere?

Well, I went over to a cafe in Central, and realised that the right click doesn't work. All the way back, he did something and it was OK.

I went back to this cyberspace I found in Wanchai, very nice, I tried to change my name, or at least by a name deed, but clicked the wrong thing and ended up with the statutory declaration. 7.50 for a document template! I looked at three places that sell them. They look like law firms, but when I did a whois search, they were private individuals living in flats rainy seaside places.

But I did manage to get the last of my bus tickets, and print my flight ticket.

I spent a lot of time, in Guangzhou and the in HK working out my name. It was strange in HK as I go to the harbour, and there is 'star' everywhere, star ferry, avenue of the stars. I looked out over the harbour and declared that I have taken this name now (as I couldn't formalise it at the time).

Then I went back and got my bags. I'd checked where to get the airport bus, but then couldn't find it. I got a bit flustered, but running around I did get on. Smooth and lovely, man, I LOVE this airline.

So here I sit heading back. I think we're over Finland or something.

I phoned Bri, mother's ex-partner. A won't be at her place. It sounds like she'll never be there. I phoned the hospital to speak to her, and she refused to come to the phone. The nurse told me not to come without speaking to Carly. I asked the nurse if that was ominous, and she said nothing.

I phoned my father too. We had a long chat and it was genuinely nice to speak to him.

They're bringing breakfast now, I'll pack this up. I forgot where 'me nicotine is but I'm kind of OK without it.

LOVE OASIS HK!

---

Later: About 7.30am

On the National Express Coach Heading to Victoria

Made it through. All the time I spent worrying about going through customs, over the previous months, and as it turned out, the guy just smiled at me.

There certainly is some novelty in typing the diary on the coach... as long as the power lasts. This little machine is certainly growing on me. I'm really averse to spending money, always have been, Monastic leanings. I recall I was the same when I first got the Nikon camera. I emailed them asking where I could get service and there was no reply, and I felt really ripped off. I was just about to leave London and only had a short window to make sure that it all worked OK. After a few days, I accidentally turned the flash off, I didn't understand the settings, and wished so much that I hadn't bought it.

But over time, I ended up loving it. I mean really loving it. Sometimes I just sit and look at it in restaurants and think how beautiful it is.

I hope it will be the same for this, now I'm used to not panicking every time something happens I don't understand.

I just got a power-warning. So I'll turn off and just get used to being in London,

So much to write!

Happy! Happy!

Date: Sunday 16th March 2008

Guest House, 127 Abington Avenue, Northampton

7.34pm

I'm lying on the bed watching TV. I'm not planning to go anywhere, because it's warm inside and freezing outside and I just snapped my flippie, and so have no way to even get to a shop for some glue. This really is madness.

But the novelty of this little machine isn't wearing off. I really am starting to goddamn love it.

So... what's happened since I was on the coach.

It went on for a couple of hours, then arrived at Victoria. I was going to walk straight onto the road, but there was a line of policemen blocking my way. We had to all pass through a kind of sniffing device, then a drug-sniffing dog called Penny. The dog didn't bother with me, but picked out a guy in front of me. He was taken aside for a stop and search. Perhaps it's better to have animals picking people out because they're more objective.

I walked out and had a drink at Starbucks, then walked onto the buses. My Oystercard still worked, so I was able to get straight on the bus. It only went as far as Baker Street for some unknown reason, then we were all thrown off. We continued the journey on another one, and eventually I got off at Finchley Road.

I went up to Palmer's. They checked me in and the system picked me up, with a list of about twenty previous reservations. But there was no one there who remembered me. I went down shopping at Sainsburys, then went to the only smoking place left there, a pub that I didn't realise was called North Star until I was leaving.

I went up to the room; I'd stayed there before. There was a guy there already getting ready for bed. I thought perhaps he snores too? I took two Valium and passed out.

I think I woke up for the toilet about midnight. There was the guy who was below me at the door and someone else and I think he was complaining. Perhaps I'm paranoid? I was still fairly groggy.

I finally woke up proper about two am. I made myself some coffee and sat out in the cold and wet and wished I was in Hong Kong. I went to the 24 hour shop and had another coffee. Of course, I'm in England with no ticket out, so I'm back on the 1200 calories a day diet.

When it was daylight, I put my bags in storage as I was changing rooms, then went down to the tube. I phoned Jamyang Buddhist Centre to check it was OK for me to come over and pay, and it was, so I got on the tube and went.

I got there, to Elephant and Castle, and realised I was lost. The tube attendant was incredibly helpful and gave me a map. I set off walking, and realised that I was passing, by pure coincidence, the place where I went to the Christmas before last when I was helping the homelessness charity (the time it didn't work out but I never hated myself (honestly) because I'd at least made the effort).

Inside, Barbara, whom I'd arranged accomodation for the 18th turned out to be an ordained nun. She was friendly enough and I paid cash and was all done.

I got a bus back up to Charing Cross and planned to eat at the actor's church, but it was closed, so I walked all the way back to St. James in Piccadilly and ate there. I had my empty cup and some winos convinced themselves it was alcohol, but it was still good, but cold. I'd walked too far, far, far, too far. I went into the church and lit a candle and left a written prayer, of my gratitude for the trip having gone well and to be able to get away again OK.

I got the bus back was in the old routine, slimfast bars in the cold, tins of food, shaving over tiny sinks with people waiting outside. In a way it wasn't nice, but then again, I think I'm always going to feel at home around transients now.

Another two Valium and again I passed out. I think I woke up about two am. again. Now the staff were the same as before, but no one recognised me; of course the last time I stayed there I was starting to starve to death.

Then day came. At the shop the Polish woman is pregnant, she looked so much older. I started getting into the Asus a bit more, though I wasn't able to open the dvd or manual.

I got on the bus to Victoria. This is nasty today. I'm wearing flip-flops and it's raining. I look insane. The bus only went as far as, somewhere north of Oxford street, because of a demonstration. So I went down to the Underground, where a rude, stupid person told me the ride wouldn't be free; though I managed to maintain right speech vow.

I got to Victoria. The bus wasn't displayed on the board. Then it was delayed by half an hour. I phoned the guest house and the lady was going out. Then I phoned Brian. He's going to be at A's tomorrow at a quarter to nine. I got on the bus and went through every picture on my camera memory card, and deleted all but the best. Sunny tropical happy pictures reviewed on a cold, gray bus. I did this fully concentrated, and when I did the last one, I looked up straight to the North Star pub Finchley, which we happened to be passing.

On the bus I sat working on my Change of Name Deed, then we arrived and I got more slimfast bars. I got the bus over to Abington Park. This eccentric mad black guy got on whom I remember from the launderette on the Kettring Road. Also, a woman of about fifty who always used to be in bhs and although wouldn't know me, I do recall she chatted to M. once there.

The bus missed a stop as the driver saw a friend in another vehicle and he held a conversation with him as they drove along parallel. I had to walk back here with freezing feet. I came to number 127. The door was open, but no one came when I knocked. The key was under the mat. I came up to room 5 and as I sat down, by flip-flop snapped. Now I'll perhaps have to go barefoot to Durhams shop, if it's still there, and still run by the gormless kid that I went to school with.

But, so far, it's roughly going to plan. It's ... well, strange I suppose, I'm checking in places and traveling with tickets and receipts all booked in Fresh Cyberspace, Wanchai, Hong Kong.

Now... get the passport application in and make plans to get back!

Date: Monday 18th March 2008

Abington Guest House, 127 Abington Avenue, Northampton 04.16am

I woke up about forty minutes ago.

Isn't it strange, how I just wrote forty and a very brief and subtle memory came into my mind, of being in a stale smelling 'special' classroom at school, with 'special' teachers for 'special (read: dysfunctional) children and I wrote 'forty' as 'fourty', and these two people standing there immediately saying how it was a very easy mistake to make and they make the same mistake all the time and making such a big deal about it, how everyone always makes this mistake. The purpose was based on the assumption I felt bad about it and needed to be protected, but I actually felt patronised.

It was such extremes. I was in a hellish mainstream full of broken adolescents and sadistic adults, broke down and was moved into a special room with retarded children and no work away from the main school and people who are used to dealing with people on the emotional edge.

Yes, now I'm here, all this rubbish starts coming back to me.

Oh God, I'm loving this machine now.

Anyway, after I finished writing yesterday, I went to bed, then I heard someone come in and come to the door. It was a woman of about forty-five (or fourty five if you'd prefer; it's not particularly important), short, 'portly' and 'English domineering' type. I have to bear in mind that I'm an ultrasensitive, But she seemed a bit, stand-offish and curt. She asked for the fifty and I gave it to her, I said I'd go at about eleven thirty on Tuesday, but she said check-out was at ten; which is fair enough, but I suppose this is when I decided that she was curt.

Anyway, I went back to bed and watched American Wife-Swap and slept. I always hated realty programs (though somehow manage to compulsively watch them to the end before being indignant), but I realised that there is a lot of point, or reason, to this program. In this episode, like many others, it was an 'anything goes' type family against a strict one, and I suppose the proof is in the pudding (the children), and so people can just watch and compare two different ways of doing things, and there's some benefit to this.

Back to my story. I woke up at three thirty am. My body's adjusting after all the Valium. I didn't take any today, and I doubt I'll need it today.

I wanted to smoke, of course, so went down. The house is desserted and creaky and I went down with a coffee. Standing out in the dark street, I had a feeling someone was watching me from behind.

Then I came up and am basically trapped until the daylight. I have no shoes or anything. Barefoot to town; it's madness.

Then again, it might be better for me to have this time to concentrate on the main thing now which is getting my passport application sorted out, and I suppose deciding how long I'm going to stay, i.e. am I going to do the second week.

So... what is my schedule for today. I think:

1. Decide my new name once and for all.

2. Go to town and print my name change document.

3. Come back, meet Brian, get him to sign my name change document.

4. Put my shoes on.

5. Bring all my stuff here to the guest house.

6. Shave and get my apperance sorted out.

7. Get all of the documents I'll need for the application.

8. Go to town and pay for my accomodation in The Grand Hotel, and ask about the extra week.

9. Get passport photos from Jessops.

10. Phone ebay.

11. Go to Nationwide.

    1. Get a check for 180 for Throssel.

    2. Close ISA and put it in esavings.

    3. Surrender all cards.

    4. Ask for certified copies.

    5. Ask for help with my funding application.

    6. Get enough cash to live on.

       1. 20.00 Newcastle.

       2. 80 Living costs until I go back.

       3. 20 Nicotine aids.

       4. 60 for today, tomorrow in London and living costs.

       5. Can't think of anything else but I think 200 pounds should do it.

12. Do the I Ching concerning when I should fly back.

13. Check if Barclaycard have replied to my email. Phone them regardless to check it's going to be OK, send them the card back and check how I'll buy online while I'm waiting.

14. Send the OU application with a cover letter.

15. Relax for five minutes.

16. Phone Par.

17. Go and see A.

18. Check the Internet at some point.

19. Home, TV and sleep.

20. Wake.

21. Put all stuff at Pars.

22. Bus to London.

23. Bayswater to meditate in Kennsington Gardens.

24. Check in Jamyang.

25. Picadilly. Go online and buy Amazon things.

26. St. James?

27. Sleep.

28. Go Newcastle.

29. Take precepts.

30. Return to London, then Northampton.

I think looking at this, it's going to be much better to keep my Barclaycard until Newcastle.

Date: Wednesday 18th March 2008

127 Abington Avenue, Northampton. 8.50am.

I've only got five minutes.

I went to the house. A's house. It was over-run. Brian came and let me in. I got my stuff out. I'd already been down town, barefoot at my flippies broke, and got the name change document sorted. Bri witnessed it and I took my stuff to the guest house. Successfully applied for a passport, but Nationwide wouldn't witness my documents. Went to see A. and she's better than I expected. Phoned par and he refused to take my bags, panicked when I asked and his partner said no. Bri's taking me back to A's, I put it all there, then off to the monastery.

Must get my stuff downstairs; I'll write when I'm back.

Wish me luck... with everything.

Date: Saturday 5th March 2008

The Grand Hotel, Gold Street, Northampton.

Back.

Well, at least I have my lovely little machine to laze back on the bed and continue the story.

So, I was in Abington Lodge...

Bri arrived on time, and was really friendly and helpful. It was genuinely nice to see him. I never really felt so comfortable around him, and he must have felt the same way about me because that's how everyone feels around me.

I'd say, 'Except J.' at this point.... the old me would have I say.

Well we were only driving around the corner of course, but he told me that there was a meeting at the hospital later that day, so I could phone him to find out what was going on.

We arrived at A's and got all my stuff back up there. He drove me into town and we talked a bit more. He was saying how no one wanted anything to do with G. I wanted to know if Carly had got the rings after all the palarvar, and Bri said they were still in M's place, as everything was in her bedroom just the way she left it. I said nothing but he said that he was too upset to deal with it now. It felt like it wasn't very long ago that she went... but I think it will be two years next month. Perhaps that's why we get on a bit now, B and I, that we shared that grief for the same person? I don't know.

Oh, he's another one who's stopped smoking.

I had to use the internet before going to London. There was a new Vietnamese place but it wasn't open yet. I went on to the usual 'click' internet. It was still called the same but the owners were new and the computers were using Vista. I needed to do quite a few complicated things, and it all went really smoothly there.

I had to get the bus back to A's as I'd left a bag I was taking to London.

Date: Sunday 6th April 2008

Beatties Restaurant, Northampton.

A long time since I came here. I recall being here with M obviously. I remember the time A was taken to hospital or something, and we sat at this table texting back and forth to Carly to sort out what was going to happen.

So many flashes of J in my mind, that we did this and that, in the background, it's a never-ending cycle. I was thinking on the stroll over here, perhaps I got a special deal from the Karma Police before coming to earth. I have this really weird lesson to go through, but I'll get the resources I need to solve it all, as long as I think the right way and end up making the right choices.

But to carry on the story... I went back to A's to get a bag I had cleared out. Basically, it was all personal correspondence. I mean everything I had from Nemia, i.e. the woman I was engaged to, all from Mian, the cards I got when I passed my driving test, 21st birthday etc. Plus, the Hong Kong diary from 1993/4 before I met J. The first diary abroad, actually started on J's birthday, before I knew her! Also, all the sketchbooks I ever kept. It was just a big bag of memories.

I got back on the bus and made it to London but was later than I thought it would be. I got over to Jamyang Buddhist Centre as quickly as I could. Did I mention the odd thing? To get there, just around the corner from it and I have to pass it to get there, is the warehouse where I volunteered that Christmas to help with the homeless.

I got in Jamyang and there was a woman who showed me around. The room was a converted cell and had a metal door with peep hole and a slot where food trays would have been passed through. The woman was quite disapproving when she realised that I was going to be leaving straight away, but whatever, I arranged this with Barbara, who knows what I'm doing. I raced back out and got straight on the tube and made it to Bayswater.

It was dark by the time I got there and I wasn't sure if it would be open, but it was. It was very atmospheric in the dark. I walked over to M's bush. I told her what was going on, that I'm Jaydin now, that I'm taking the precepts etc. I think she was pleased.

I walked down back onto the main path. I was holding the bag with all the past that wasn't to do with J, I lifted it out, and put it all in the bin. I took a deep breath and walked away. I kept walking until I got to the Black Lion Gate, or nearish there. I looked in the bag and realised that there were two bits left. One, a silver ring that Joanne had given me, and an I Ching coin that J and I had used. I took them out and threw them on the grass. I turned back and took a photo, it came out red and eerie looking.

I turned around and walked across the road and down to Bayswater station.

I went to Covent Garden. I had planned to use the porn dvd cybercafe, but it was closed down and gone. I tried a new place nearby but it was too expensive. I ended up at the one in Charing Cross, which was now more expensive. I coudn't actuallly get anything done. I came out and had a cold pizza, then went back to Jamyang.

For a moment I couldn't open the door and started to panic, but managed to in the end. There was actually a member of staff there. I went straight up to my little cell, and was kind of happy in my own way. I'd just taken all my non-J possessions, things I'd invested so much time and effort protecting from A and time and copying, thinking that it all explains my past and what I've done, and it's just... gone, gone, gone. And now I sat there in my cell, travelling so much lighter in a room built to imprison people used now by the spiritual surrounded by pictures of the Dalai Lama, and the whole thing planned and booked in Wanchai, Hong Kong Island.

Date: Tuesday 8th April 2008

Grand Hotel, Gold Street, Northampton. 10.40pm

Uuugh. I want to go home (to Asia).

Anyway, to carry on.

I woke up in good time. I had found out the bus times, but ended up getting on the tube instead. As it turned out, I was actually early and had time to hang around the station.

I ended up at Starbucks and was dealing with the university application. It was sharply cold around me as I sat there, but kind of crisp also, with the sun out and a light turquoise sky. As I sat there I became aware of.... well, not really irony, I just recalled the last time I sat out doing all my OU papers, outside the cybercafe in Vientiane, Laos, though I was a bit happier then. I, at the same time, was also flashing back to the time I was searched by the police. Perhaps I'll never feel fully relaxed in London again.

I phoned the university from the station. They said that there was no point submiting my application until I had all my ID's back, so I needn't have even sat there with the application at all.

I got on the bus.

The arrival time at Newcastle was early evening. I needed to get to bed pretty quickly so I would be up at night and the snoring not bother anyone. I went out and spent far too long looking for fast food. I ended up with a really strange 'felafel', which actually had chips inside it and I imagine it's a northern thing.

I went home. I took valium. I was worried that I'd had too many since I'd been back, but I had no choice; I had to fall asleep. I think I lay there for about half an hour and then a group came in the room.

I woke at five am, much longer than eight hours so I don't know if my room mates got any sleep. Rather than take Valium because of the snoring, maybe I should give them to the people around me?

I went out to Macdonalds for a coffee, then I vaciliated for a few hours, outside and inside, until it was light, when I got my bag out and showered. There was plumbing work going on so I ended up walking around in shorts looking for one that worked.

I went to the computer and printed out all the name change letters I needed, to inform officcial places of my name change. I checked the prices to Hong Kong. I ordered the negative scanner I'd planned on getting way over six months ago.

Around Newcastle, I was a bit harried and ended up not finding any clothes which I'd hoped for, meaning I'd be going onto the monastery.

I went to the Post Office and sent off all the letters, got my bag out of Albatross, then got the train to Hexham.

On arriving, I went to double-check the bus times, then walked down to the church. I wrote a prayer and lit a candle and had a quiet think, as I had done once previously.

Outside the church over the road, I had some English chips. They came in a box and were real cut ones. Not that I'm particularly partial to them, but for sometimes. Soon I would be on monastery food.

I went up to north of the town and got the bus to Allendale.

There, I went to The Golden Lion pub. It was very cold by then so it was nice to be in by the fire. Tea was the cheapest I ever remember paying for it. A little dog took a liking to me and jumped up, and then refused to move, despite the owner chastising it.

I just relaxed, for about an hour. I would have been happy there all night, but the sun was going down so I walked off to the little farmhouse which is actually the local taxi firm.

But I took a wrong turn of course, and ended up lost. It's not good to be lost in rural places like that. It's not like being lost in the cities where you can ask someone or just pick up local transport or go inside somewhere and sit and think. No. It was dark and cold and windy and I was on a road with only empty scenery around me.

Date: Wednesday 9th April 2008

Grand Hotel, Gold Street, Northampton. 11:56pm.

Ugh (again)... about everything.

Anyway, to continue:

I walked back up to the main road. To my right was the road I thought that I should have taken, but it was too dark and too late to risk it. I walked back up to the little square and went to the small shop. The lady said that Nigel Baynes 'had never come back with his number', and so she didn't have it, but then remembered that he sometimes advertised in the paper, so she looked it out and gave it to me.

I went back to the main road where there was a phone box. His number was on answerphone but it also gave a mobile. I phoned it and it was also on answerphone. I phoned the monastery to let them know I'd be late, but it was also on answerphone.

I went back to the Golden Lion pub to ask them what to do, there was a man and lady there. They said that taxis weren't available at night anymore and were all over in Hexham. They asked where I was going, and when I said, 'The Buddhist Abbey', the guy rolled his eyes, picked up his coat and walked off. The woman laughed, and said, 'Another one', then stood there enjoying my confusion. I asked her again what I could do, and she said that he would take me, 'he', being the guy who had just walked off. I asked how much that would be but she only smiled. I asked about the 'another one' comment, if this happens all the time, but she said no, just sometimes. Again, I asked how much it would be (though let's face it, I wouldn't have argued), and she smiled again, and whispered 'I don't think he wants anything'.

We got in the car and he drove. We chatted, of course. He was a new owner, only there since Christmas. I think it had only happened once, i.e. someone turning up with no transport, a Dutch guy three weeks previously.

He had known where the place was because he used to deliver goods there when he worked for Tesco. I noted that I had been served by the same guy who was there way over a year ago, but it turns out he was just working there.

We arrived and he really did refuse any money, telling me to put whatever I would have paid into the collection box.

I had been driven straight to the door, so it dawned on me that the last cigerette I'd be able to smoke was the one while lost in Allendale.

I walked in and the place was dark and wholly desserted. I walked up into the common room and there was just one woman there, about twenty-five, upper-class accent, and I explained my situation and asked what to do. She was non-plussed, but after a moment, asked, 'Are you Jaydin?'. I said that I was and was informed there was a note for me on the guesthouse door.

I went down and there was a note that I was in a room. I went back up and asked her where it was, it was upstairs. She offered me some chocolate but I had three slimfasts, so I declined. I asked her name and she told me it was Mia.

I went up and there was a room with two beds but no one in it. There was another door that looked like it was a cupboard, but was actually going into another room. I recalled actually working in the room on a previous visit, where Rev. Galen had me there sanding and varnishing the table that I was now to use.

There was a radiator that was on, tea and coffee making facilities.

I lay down and looked at the Dharmapada I had brought with me. It was the one I had bought on November 5th 1997, when I'd recieved the card from J saying that she looks at the stars on my birthday and I'd been in the church and had my siteseeing day. I recall going to the lake there in Dharmasala and picking up a feather on that day. It is the anniversary of the day I got together with J. Anyway, that feather had been the dharmapada's bookmark for over a decade, and I'd decided that this was a fitting thing to bring with me to symbolise exactly what I was trying to achieve.

I also had with me my red 'practice book', i.e. the self written verses which I recite each day. I had wanted to put in some dhamapada verses for some time, and now, alone in the room, was the perfect time. I wrote down the verse, 'Flowers', because it's the title that J told me was her favourite Rolling Stones album, but I also like it's description of the 'flower arrows of desire'. I also wrote down the verse 'Joy', as it ends with the word 'stars'.

I fell asleep.

...

Next morning I awoke, for the first time hearing the alarm I had set, which by pure coincidence was 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star'. I had set it early so there was time to do down for a drink. I looked at the days shedule. Mia had told me it was respite, and so I had an easy introduction

7.00am Rise

7.15 Meditation

8.00 Short morning service

8.30 Temple clean up

9.45 Brunch

Renewal

1.00 Snack

6.00 Medicine meal (novices common room)

Kitchen clean up

7.30 Optional Meditation

8.00 Meditation

9.00 - 9.45 Quiet time

9.45 Lights out.

Date: Friday 11th April 2008

Beatties Restaurant, Grovsener Centre, Northampton. 4.42pm

I really don't like having to catch up like this because it means I can't purge what's happened today out of my system.

Anyway...

I went to the ceremony hall. They were still rising the curtain that seperates the genders and I realised how many more women there were than males. There was a new carpet that was a much nicer colour.

There was a meditation, which was a relativly short period and went quite well with me on my kneeling stool. I forgot how the morning service went and at the end everyone dropped to their knees to chant the ancestral line and I, being a secret cripple, stood there stooped for ten minutes, with the sun behind me and my long shadow going right accross the hall; later Rev. Leoma told me off for it.

We had to do temple clean up, then I was put in the kitchen, cleaning mushrooms and then grating cheese. The cook told me a story about Nigel Baynes, the taxi guy, who'd answered a call for a taxi while on stage in a panto. He also said that Allendale had won an award as the best village in England.

As it was respite, food was in the novice's common room Mia talked about London, that her degree was in journalism, but she hates it and doesn't know what she wants to do.

We were joined by a Dutch woman called Kosha who was a minister in robes. She was some kind of special educator for old people, who are actually quite spritely and referred to as 'older young people'. An Italian-type woman who later turned out to be Turkish, quipped, 'That means they don't get it'. There were two other women to my left. A spritely little scott called Elizabeth, and someone else I don't reccall. actually,it might have been Freya, an ex-quaker of about sixty-five. There was a big guy I initially judged as Dutch but he turned out to be Scottish with a confused accent.

I went up to my room later. Rev. Leoma came up to tell me that there had been a cancellation and that it would be my room alone now for the duration of the retreat. So, I was lucky and bleessed because whatever happened, I had that space at least now.

I went down to the common room and the Turkish woman was there. She was from near Goreme. though had lived in Engand for twenty years. She and her husband were converted fwbo's but her partner didn't like metta practices, and so they had switched. She came across as a motherly person, though that might have been because Rev. Leoma, now head of the guest departmeent, had told her to keep an eye on me.

I broke down the group; there were five women and two men.

I went downstairs to make some calls. One to extend my reservation at the Grand Hotel, though I could only get through to an answering machine.

I did manage to get through to Brian. He said A had been moved from the hospital to a nursing home just outside Northampton. I asked if that would be permanent and he hesitated, then said 'yes' tentatively. We arranged to go there together the Monday after I returned.

I wanted to go outside for the shrine but it was too cold.

On the way in I passed Rev. Finnon, who had been head of the guest department on my previous visit and he seemed genuinely pleased to see me. He commented on my new name, then gave me the gossip. Reverend Muriel had left and gone back to Germany.

Robert, in the end, hadn't ordaned, but still comes. He had got professionally involved with music and still played the organ for them sometimes.

Deborah had left a few weeks afterme. She had been thinking of Jukai but decided, in the end, that it wasn't for her. She had dropped by the Reading priory some time later and had been off to India to do some Ayurveda thing.

Later. Grand Hotel. 11.14pm.

To contunue:

Then, in the novices common room, there was a very awkward medicine meal. Perhaps it's because I was the outsider, and these closed little groups started, but perhaps it's something to do with food as well? I remember previous meals there that went the same way. Come to think of it, I remember doing it at Brendan's brother's place in Australia, that is, going mute at the dinner table.

It was hard as it wasn't really a considerate table. Food wasn't really passed around and I had to reach right out over the table. On my previous visit, Fussing Robert had been in charge of making sure everyone got everything.

Later in the blue common room they, Mia and the Turkish woman, were talking about the ancestral line, which they both knew by heart. I recalled that they both, all actually, knew all the reciting scriptures by heart and I felt out of place, even more out of place than I had previously.

Then it was on for meditation. Again this went quite well. I asked someone about the next days schedule and again it was respite. So I felt a bit better as at least it was an easy introduction. The fact is -- I clam up in groups -- and that's perhaps, considering a life devoted to human potential, is just who I am.

I realised later that I hadn't bought a shell to do the magic with - so would have to double up next time - but, the magic is working though. i.e.:

• I have the perfect Internet machine

• The scanner is on the way

• My name is changed

• I'm looking into foreign nationalily

These are all things I've consciously created.

I decided, at some point, that I would actually read the whole of the dhamapada while I was there. I realised that the feather, which I'd used as a marker, was at the section mentioned 'The Seeker', so I would be adding this to the personal practice book.

I went to the common room and had some chocolate, and went to the room to get ready for bed. I realised that, in my consciousness there was a deep sense of unworthiness, i.e. not being worthy of the room. there were over fifty people coming, and few get a room. OK, it's because of the snoring, perhaps, but life had worked out, but yes, I, shall I say I felt humbled, which is more acceptable.

I looked at my records and worked out that, on my first day as a non-smoker, I'd taken 36mg of nicotine.

Sleep.

...

I woke up early. Meditation went very well. My morning job was cleaning the paintwork in the Hall of Pure Offerings.

Breakfast again was in novice's common room. A new visitor, Ingrid, from Austria, arrived. She was doing her like, fifth or sixth precept retreat, which is common, as people kind of renew their vows type of thing. Also, Fer (or something) from Holland arrived. He was a kind of innocent, friendly, clumsy, lovable dick kind of person. It was mostly Kosha talking, about the walking classes she gives to 'older young' people (who don't get it). So, I could pay attention and was more comfortable.

I meditated alone until lunch. A new woman called Heather arrived. About fifty, almost always silent, but talked with the expressions on her face. I noticed Fer was covered in hair and feathers, which he explained was from a cat and sleeping bag.

It was snowing now so I went out and took pictures.

Three more people arrived.

Mia came in and said she's just looked at the Jukai placing plan in the ceremony hall and that I was behind her and would have to stare at her ass for two weeks, and it's creepy.

She tried to think of something funny to say but couldn't. It was kind of a forced irony, so she perhaps was only half joking.

I went up to the room and had a tea by myself. I reflected how, in my astrology chart, saturn in sqaure jupiter, exactly for the retreat period, the interpretation of which is one's faith being tested, and I wondered how this would manifest.

Saturday night, the last night before Jukai (and the full moon), I had taken 34mg of nicotine.

...

Date: Saturday 12th April

Click Cybercafe, Kettring Road. 12.46pm

To continue, here in a cybercafe because I'm doing a final archive from cd to sd so I can get rid of the last of my stuff.

People started arriving about then. There was one woman who looked familiar in the hall of pure offerings. I'd noticed eariler but wanted to make sure. Yes indeed, it was LINDA, the woman who had given me a lift away the first time! It was so good she was there. I'd remembered, she had two teenage daughters, converted from Catholosism.

Also there, and probably the only person I had missed, GEORGE! Yes, the guy who had lived in Allendale and used to come in the daytime for training. He had been planning to go to Sri Lanka where he'd been accepted in a monastery, and he had indeed been there, though he'd ended up getting malaria and being ill. Then he went up to Rishikesh and joined an ashram, and was happy enough there. So good to see him!

Later. Yates Bar. Ridings Arcade, Northampton. 6.52pm.

I just asked if there was wifi here and they said no, but I found it anyway and then had to use an old whetherspoon card to log on.

So...

It was lunchtime and I was seated next to Linda by chance. The retreat officially started with this meal, so we were all in silence. Heather was opposite me and she gave very long eye contact while we had to keep bowing to each other during the eating rituals.

As usual at the start of a retreat, there were far too many volunteers in the kitchen, and I was the worst one they let in. It all went well, but it was pointed out to make sure that the aprons weren't inside out when putting them on.

We had to meet upstairs for a brief talk. We were told to stay on the ground. Only read Dogen's writings about the precepts.

Then it was meditation. I forgot to bow to my chair, and the whole thing went on far, far too long.

We went to the common room, the blue one, there was a really old guy who asked me where the cups were and I mistakenly told him downstairs. I considered how he was sleeping the in the ceremony room and I had a room and I hated me. I realised that, out of all the people on the retreat it was just me and me alone who had a room all to myself... and Ihatedd me, and now this old guy didn't have a drink becuase of me. Earlier I had showered and looked up while doing so, and realised that the vent above my head said AXIA on it. I chose this as my middle name as it made the numerology of my name lucky, thinking it was a collection of lettrers, but found out retrospectively, that it means 'worthy'. Perhaps this transpired subconsciously in me. I realise that, deep, deep down inside of me, there's a deep sense of worthlessness. Sometimes when we're praying collectively in the ceremony hall I feel like an impostor and emotion rises up in me and I have to hold on to myself to not break down and cry.

I relaxed for a while, then went upstairs. I did magic at the shrine, as it was the full moon, then I went to bed.

...

I was quite sleepless that night, I had to keep going to the toilet. I realised that I was drinking tea just before sleeping and resolved to go straight to bed from then on.

I woke half an hour early, so there was time to go to the common room for tea. Morning service was fairly routine. For temple cleaning work I was assigned the area outside the guest department as 'my area', including the toilet there, and shoe shelves, and so could get on each morning with that. Over the course of the week she seemed to worry that it was too much for me and kept telling me to take it easy and finish early if I wanted to, and a couple of times came to thank me for the work I was doing; she needn't have worried as I was always happy doing it.

At breakfast the monk said we were all making too much noise with our cutlery and looking around too much. Kosha showed me how to be more quite, and said that Zen masters eat silently. That sounds horrible, but it wasn't a telling off; she was a very friendly, genuine person.

I was then assigned upstairs to the material department to be working with Rev. Chandra. She remembered me, though couldn't pronounce my name. She picked up on my bad leg within moments and I was given the seated job of ironing.

After this I rushed up to shave and was last in for the tofu lunch, which was embarrasing but not too bad.

There was a talk while meditating. From the Rev. Master, he said that we have a wish and a calling and we have to realise that they are the same thing. Then, in each situation, we have to think, 'what is it that I *really* want?'. Lastly, you have to *surrender* into the moment and have investigation, of what it is you want.

**DIAGRAM**

Tips to get Ahead at Throssel Hole

1. Dress all in black

2. If not black, at least dark clothes.

3. Don't make noise with cutlery

4. Don't look around a lot at people.

5. Don't put more food on your plate than you can eat, including the liquid.

6. Rest the spoon in your bowl facing away from you.

7. Bow when crossing a Buddha.

8. Put the wagasa on the precept band on the hook outside the toilet when going in.

Later, I had a chat in the toilet (to not get caught breaking the silence rule), and caught up on the news.

Working meditation was sitting down sewing things.

Meditation was in the ceremony hall. We had to have our posture checked. Leoma gently ran her fingers up and down my back to show me how stooped I was. I tried, but later an American nun was a bit more direct by pushing her knee in. I was on a bit of a downer after that.

Tea and questions was in the common room. George asked if all desire springs from ultimate desire, which was something that Reverend Master had said. The answer was yes, so all desire is OK, it's acting on it which is the problem.

At night time in the ceremony hall, there was a ritual where we promised to live the precepts for one week. I hadn't understood that the first part was supposed to be a meditation. Monks came down and stood by the side of us and I was self-conscious. Posture, just like on my last visit, was a problem. The precepts were read out, and when asked, I said,

'I will'.

I had a sudden insight. The first time I was here, people had probably complained during spiritual counselling, about the snoring... and perhaps she'd linked that to me, having linked it to me by checking the records. Though I had actually mentioned it in my recent communications.

Bedtime. I'd taken 24mg of nicotine that day.

Later. Grand Hotel Northampton. 10.05.

Dream

I was in Abington Street, Northampton, with my father. He was being given some kind of responsibility and seemed really uneasy about it.

Then I was with Mother and Brian. Mother was dying and unable to really take part in anything and Brian and myself were kind of sorting things out.

Then I was watching kind of demonstration. It was called Six Seconds to Handover, where the territory was to be handed from Britain to Hong Kong and they were going to shut down all the electrical systems completely for six seconds, and then let the Chinese restart everything up again once they'd taken the territory back.

I looked at my teeth in the mirror and was pleasently surprised that they were in good condition.

Interpretation

The part about my father is when I asked him to look after a couple of bags and he overreacted; it's basically to let me know that I can't count on him.

Brian and I 'sorting things out' lets me know that it's better to rely on him rather than my natural father, despite everything.

Six seconds to handover, is six days until I formally take the precepts, finally being embraced by Oreintal freedom which I've sought since I was a child... or the freedom of Oriental spirituality I should say.

Monday Diary

I woke up early again.

Working meditation was sewing again; specifically, sewing decorations onto large prayer mats. Matthew, a novice, was in charge of allocating this and he told me to check each day as I might not always be there doing that.

I shaved.

At the notice board I checked the schedule. There was an older woman who was really down to earth and had character. She was to my right in the seating arrangement in the ceremony hall. She opened up a little once during tea and questions, saying about the way her family judge her past, and it made me wonder what her past was. She noticed I was having a hard time with my posture and was in pain (despite the fact that, as usual, I hadn't complained), and she expressed sympathy, which was nice. Perrhaps I shouldn't mention or think it, but she had the kind of kindly, liking and sympathetic to males attitude of madames.

I hung around the hall of pure offerings, and then noticed I was alone. I rushed to the ceremony hall and the meditation come lecture of the reverend master had started. I sat dejected on the stairs. Rev. Leoma came to the door to see who it was and bowed to me. She never mentioned it again. The next time I saw her she was turning up the radiator for me that I might be too cold in the common room.

I did, sitting alone shivering on the stairs get to listen to the talk though. I was quite enjoying them as it was like the meditative way I listen to Dharma podcasts. The talk was to focus and see the mess in your mind moment-to-moment.

It was strange to sit and listen to that. For so many years, the majority of my life, practicing alone, it often felt like it was just me who thinks and feels and pursues this and this way -- but here is a community.

In the common room Rev. Leoma gave a talk about the precepts. We had three verses to memorise. I met this guy, Maxwell, again in the toilet. George was there also. He (Maxwell) had been to the preparaton retreat in November and said that there was no preperation or anything like that. George had been in India in November.

Then it was tea and questions. George asked bout intuition and it's role/importance. Linda asked quite a few questions, all from the perspective of a converted catholic.

We ate shortly after. I know we weren't supposed to look around, but I couldn't help noticing (for which reason I can't say) that almost everyone there had very thin lips, compared to me say. There were only a few people with fuller lips, and these were the ones that I got on with.

I went to the common room and sat with George. He told me about the miracles he had seen in India. He said he was being ordaned here as a gift to all the people in India.

I went to the basket on the table and there were chocolate eggs there. I realised it was easter. There were some Lindt ones, with normal real chocolate on the outside, and soft, slightly cool tasting chocolate on the inside. I'd had them just once as a kid and they were so nice, that each year I had looked for them but they never came again, until this year in Jukai 2008. I sat there eating too many, and thought back to the Easter in Cochin, with Binnie and Simon and tried to remember how many years ago that was.

I'd taken 30 miligrams of nicotine.

Tuesday -- Precept Day

Up early again.

I had a coffee in the common room. There were only a few people there. Maxwell was by the window and suddenly called me over. He pointed out the window and when I looked, there was a deer wandering around the garden. It was really considerate that he'd wanted to silently share that. It made me think of Sarnath and I decided it was auspicious.

We went down that day for breakfast, and Heather was the server at out table. She forgot the hungry ghost water (cleaning water provided at the end of the food) and user her expressive face to roll her eyes silently saying, 'Oh my Goooodddddd'.

I went up and shaved but had run out of foam so was using this awful Nivea stuff. I cut myself really badly, there was blood dripping off my head but couldn't be sure where from (having a phobia of mirrors). Then Maxwell and George came and there way a manly, guy's conversation. I opened up that I was worried as I had no spare or clean clothes and they told me not to worry.

We were split into smaller groups and had a rehersal. Rev. Leoma asked if there was anyone who couldn't kneel, so I had to own up. We did a run through with Max at the front, and when I had to push myself up on his knees with him grinning at me, she said that it was out the question, so we did it again with her on one side of me and Heather on the other lifting me up and down. I felt awful about it. Looking back, I think it was the first time ever I've properly admited to another person that I'm limited in some way. I hated me there, as even the really old man could do it... just not me.

The ceremony itself was at the Reverent's house, a place I'd never been. It took two monks to help just me. And that was it. I just had to say, 'It is', and I had received lay ordination, a blessed certificate and the wagasa, i.e. ceremonial band representing robes.

Everyone was feeling a little bit high. We had to go and sign the register, then went up to the common room and Matthew ironed on name tags for us.

The was a tea and questions. George asked if it was appropriate to wear it in India when he was seeing his guru and the American monk said yes.

It was explained to us that it was a form of robes like the monks have, but for lay use, it had the same meaning because we had taken the same vows as the monks had taken.

I got a bit chatty with Elizabeth for a while. We went downstairs and were looking at the shower rosta, i.e. a plan where everyone was guarenteed 20 minutes in the shower. I saw that two people had been written down for the same spot and people laughed when I asked if they would be showering together to save water.

Upstairs, Fran had been the person who didn't take them, and she was speaking to the woman from Jersey. I suddenly became compassionate and told her that it took a lot of courage to do that. She had just decided that she wasn't ready for it. She said that she would stay for breakfast the next day, but then left. I did talk a little longer to the Jersey woman, who told me about the retreat place in France.

Wednesday

It was a very long service and the meditations were really starting to drag. Rev. Galen stayed behind and refered to the Dhamapada, where the precepts were mentioned, but I don't recall the reference now.

It was working meditation then and I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be doing. I walked around like a lost puppy, eventually Matthew put my in the cloister cleaning chairs with Maxwell. He (Max) asked questions about my name and India, but he was very different to me, but trying hard for us to get on.

At lunch, the chairs had been moved around. Linda was one person away from me now, though we keep passing and have pleasentries.

Meditation was up in the novices library. I had a chair right in front of the window, with a view of the hills and rabbits running about everywhere. This session went surprisingly well.

Over to tea and questions, and a lindt egg that went down very well. Linda chose to sit by me, then insisted on throwing away my egg wrappers. Looking back, that was so that it wouldn 't be apparent that I had accidentally broken the rule of eating before the monk arrived.

The Q&A was good; about the Sange ceremony, which kind of means contrition. We were all going to be given pieces of paper, during the ceremony, which represents our lives. We take it from Kanzeon and give it back to the Buddha.

In Japanese, it was explained, most words have many meanings, but the character for Sanghe has one sound but has two characters. One means 'flowers', specifically, to scatter flowers.

Also covered in the talk, the need to note the difference between pain and suffering, i.e. the latter is a thought/feeling. When we go deep into it in Zazen, the point is that there's no I that actually suffers.

Interlude: Some notes on the people attending the course

Two of them are males so indistinct as to not be worth commenting on. Grey people?

There's Linda, of course, who looks like a cross between John Lennon and Yoko Ono, or so I thought, though she had the same name as Paul McCartney's first wife.

Heather, very well spoken, a new-agey kind of person. She asked during Q&A about meditation, and imagining thoughts going past as though on a train of falling into a lake, which of course isn't Zazen, so she obviously had misunderstood the instruction... unless there's something that I'm not getting.

There was a young, black woman who seemed to be wholly alone; it's hard to say as we were generally living silently. She did ask some very intelligent questions.

The Jersey woman, was very deep-voiced and a kind of earthly person.

There were various non-descript women with thin lips who know all the scriptures perfectly.

A very old guy, wearing a hearing aid who accidentally takes people's tea, though once I noticed he was accidentally given someone elses and then blamed for having taken it.

There was a younger couple; the male was called Andrew, he was a quiet, slightly gothic type. His partner was kind a sad looking, stooped woman who occasionally became giggly. She mentioned her children once and they they had all been in the Asian tsunami. I was sewing next to her each morning... and she was good at it.

There was another minister who seemed quite highly strung. Like once when we were all carrying chairs up to the ceremony hall and he paniced thinking that possibly no one was counting them. But he did come over to me once to check that I was comfortable during dining.

Fer, the good-natured dumbo, slightly effeminate, but his generalised incompetance hid my own lackings, so I liked him.

Mia... who was coming accross as snooty and superior.

Kosha, open, warm and easy to love.

Dinner arrived. We were to eat in the common room as the ceremony hall was being made up. We waited for a monk but no one came. Tough Scots guy and Fer went down, Fer returned and said, 'Who wants soup?', meaning no one was coming. Rachel, young, sweet and good practice, said the five thoughts and George congratulated her.

We had to go down for a rehersal. I was next to Gwynth. I was relieved that she was there as her down-to-earth nature reassured me. Again, she noted the pain I was in, even though I NEVER complain.

Next it was over to the library for just a 35 minute meditation, and that went much better.

We were back in the common room. It was crowded. It was explained what to do. We started chanting Namo Shakya Mooni Buddha. First we got the contrition verse from Finnon. At the last minute, a monk had slotted himself before me. I have the vague intuition that it was incase I stumbled and couldn't get myself up. I was a little confused becuase finnon didn't hold the bowl, but did and the monk before me did and put the verse into my gassho'd hands.

The chant continued and we had to go through dark tunnels; the place was unrecognisable. I looked back and could make out Linda. Ahead we approached the next shrine. It was the bursar who did our introduction. I could see Gwynth and she didn't drop in any paper so I wasn't sure what to do. I'd scruched mine up thinking perhaps I wasn't supposed to have taken it, but I put it in anyhow.

We twisted round and went up some stairs. I took out my Dhamapada, and the feather. I concentrated on the mantra, and dropped it.

We emerged into the last shrine. There was a woman and the master. He said the contrition verse and she burnt incense for me.

We went into the hall before the Buddha and sat chanting for ages.

The monks came in and sat around a brass bowl. They started burning all the pieces of paper. The master dropped one, probably mine as it was scrunched up, and fumbled to pick it up. It was burning too long, near his robes, and some nuns rushed forwards to assist, but then he got it.

They pokered it until it was high in flames, then burnt itself out.

Then all three shouted as loud as they could.

Then the master said that our karma was purified.

We went back downstairs and in the novices common room where we had started, there was a loud conversation. It was Andrew and Gwynth. Because Rev. Finnon hadn't held the bowl with the papers out, they hadn't understood and hadn't taken papers, then hadn't been allowed to go back and get them, so were really upset. Matthew was there saying it was only symbolic, but they were insisting on seeing someone.

We had to go up the the library to get meditation equiptment. I asked Elizabeth if she'd got paper but she hadn't. Max said he had the paper, but didn't know something was supposed to be spoken at the last shrine and had just walked off while the Master was saying the verse.

I suddenly felt honoured. The monk had been before me, so I had known what to do. If I wasn't crippled then it wouldn't have been OK. But it would have bothered me. I felt gratitude. Being crippled had saved me.

We went up to the first common room, I heard heated voices and sent metta energy, then Rev. Leoma came up to say that the first celebrant had forgotten to give them out and some people were upset. But, please don't let it create unessesary suffering; we all make mistakes.

I updated my notes.

Hommage to the Buddha.

I retired. I had only had 10mg of nicotine that day.

Lying in bed, there was like a skylight window and I could look up, as I did most nights, and look at the stars.

Thursday

After the morning meditation, Rev. Leoma apologiced again.

At breakfast, we had all been moved around again. I was on the other side of the room, with Ingrid to my right, a non-descript grey-guy to my left and little Rachel and Dumbo Fer facing me. They had to switch over because of Ingrid's bad leg.

Work was vacumming chairs in the blue room with the grey guy. I thought back to when it was still the orange room and lammented.

There was to be a ritual but we didn't know anything about it or when it would happen. The only instruction was to join a procession should you see it. We went up for meditation, and heard a drum going, and so everyone raced out. The whole monastery was following the master and so we snaked all around the property for about forty minutes. Then we went up to the ceremony hall where the master explained about the lineage of the temple going right back to the Buddha, and we received a chart, showing the lineage, and my name was last as the new ancestor.

We went down and I shaved. People kept coming in. Max was being all chummy and I could smell he'd been smoking, and he was kind of getting on my nerves in a way.

There was a talk. No one was really arranging how things were supposed to be. I put the bench out and Linda put the tea out. Rachel said the chair was in front of the Buddha, so I had to move it, then asked if there were any more complaints, and people laughed. Actually, it was the first time I had ever seen Andrew laugh. There was by now, I noticed, quite a strong bond in the silence.

The talk was from the Master himself. He explained about his personal seal. Rachel asked a question about how to know if she was sincear, and the answer was, she was on the basis that she was asking.

He mentioned the near fire the previous night and we laughed. After he left we broke silence and all talked, and had a bit of a laugh actually, about the previous night.

The meditation was again very long. Elizabeth and Gwynth both complained. Jersey said her stomach was bad and was indefinitely excused. .

By now I was sure that Mia was wholly creeped out and seemed to be completely avoiding me.

A few days previously, Leoma had sent the message to change form for people who find the meditation postures too hard, and that was probably for my benefit. I was still recalling (often) being kicked in the back.

The black lady, her name was like. aphennias (no no no), I don't know. But she often asked intelligent questions, but the American noticed she was coming late to dinner sometimes and meditations too and made a point of asking if it was too hard for her. I felt a bit of affinity for her, because her, George and Max... and myself, were the lower-class non-white outsider. It sounds awful, but that's how it is. The only not negative, but not wholly positive, thing that sunny Kosha every said was that, 'In England, everything has class'.

The master had said something. He had refered back to a time before he was the master and he had had to ask his master questions, and sometimes he would get toungue tied and ask stupid things, and would feel stupid, but realised an important lesson, and that was DON'T LOOK BACK, and I think he refered to the near fire-accident in the light of this also.

Friday

I've written down, 'Eye over me in a character cup overflowing with sawdust', in my notebook, as a memory technique to remind me what had happened and what I wanted to write about.

Up, meditation and eat. Rachel had volunteered to be the server, and so Laura was opposite me.

Work was sewing up with Tsumani. People were getting giggly generally by now (ugh, too much aliteration).

Sitting watching Mia's back while meditating, for forty minutes without my eyes moving, I realised that this is as close as you can ever get to a person, really. With J, there was compassion showed to myself and my heart responded, but doing Zazan, Mia's in foront of me. I don't know her; she had a Buddha nature, and the capacity for compassion, like all creation, if I had been sitting there staring at a tree it would be the same. Being close to potential compassion is as good as it gets.

Walking from work, I realised that a lot of daydreaming fantaies are about people watching me -- or at least having an interest in me somehow, and when I feel this is the case, somehow my energy is perked up somehow.

In the bathroom, there was this guy who had a public schoolboyish idea, for a practical joke to frighten Rev. Galen. It was corny and boring, but this was just how the atmosphere was turning now.

There was a talk with Finnon in the Q&A, and quite a bit of joking about before he came up -- I really felt part of the group. I was starting to get on well with Elizabeth, and she would be coming in the car with Linda and I.

Date: Monday at Anne's house, while she's packing up

The talk that day was with Finnon. I was wondering if he was going to mention the mix-up at the ritual but it was never mentioned.

The black woman didn't specifically ask a question about meditation, but thanked them for all of their time and effort, and Finnon said that they also get a lot from it themselves.

He had decided that he wanted to talk about emptiness and form, from the Heart Sutra, well, that was his reference to it. He said it's hard, but you can think of waves and water. It made me think of a chair, and the pieces of wood it's made from and I imagine in all going through a crusher and tried to imagine at what point it would cease to be a chair and when it would be a pile of sawdust. When does the chair end and the sawdust begin?

I imagined the whole universe as dust rather than the forms it has. I could really sense the inherent emptiness behind creation, sitting in my sawdust as a chair (though it might have been metal actually.

He was drinking from a white cup that was covered in Chinese characters, all small and neatly laid out in horizontal rows. I realised that somehow they are magical for me, they represent somehow a sense of 'not englishness' that I always wanted to embrace.

But sitting there, I considered how I could, theoretically, learn to draw them myself and their individual meanings, and then they would just be this thing that I've drawn and wouldn't have the magic either.

They _are_ just lines.

Moving on. After lunch, I had to volunteer (how can one be obliged to volunteer?) to move tables with Kosha. I made a joke with her afterwards that it was my good karmic deed for the day. She laughed and said, 'Don't trade karma'.

Then there was a rehersal for the recognition ritual. A seat had been reserved for me on the edge. Leoma kept saying, 'It's for Jaydin' and people laughed, indicating that she'd had to say it a few times and it had become a cliche. The reason was that we were required to go up on the altar and kneel. There would be three batches of us, and one person per batch who can't kneel. Behind me was tough Scots guy, and I wondered if he was put there because he had the same body-type as me and so that I would't feel so stupid.

The ritual came. I did indeed feel stupid though. Everyone else was kneeling and behind me the whole audience looked on. I sat down and looked forward. A red light came on and there was a little shrine with the master in the middle and a monk either side of him. They were in full ceremonial dress and I felt like I should have a christmas wish-list or something.

They started chanting, 'Buddha recognises Buddha and bows to Buddha. They did this for about a minute, and then circles the altar chanting it.

We returned to our seats. There was one more group after us and I wanted to laugh because they looked so stupid. Especially tough Scots guy; that's how I must have looked.

The last group returned and we sat there chanting before the empty altar. Then there was silence. A large stitched picture of the Buddha was raised and sat in contemplation for about fifteen minutes.

I felt really happy to have got this far; I mean with my life.

We all went back to the hall of pure offerings. George congratulated me by shaking my hands and wished me all the best in case he didn't see me again. I think he said, 'Welcome to being a Buddha', or something.

There was to be a group photo arranged, and we were to sign up should we want one, so I did that.

Back in the common room Rev. Leoma came in and gave some free magazines out, like back issues, and Buddha pictures, and old lectures on cassette. Fer showed me a picture of the Buddha and said it looks like me.

I picked up a magazine and read it, and was shocked to read that Rev. Wilber had comitted suicide. It actually went into gory detail. He had been asked to leave because of personal differences with the other monks, though it didn't state what they were. So, he had been asked to leave. He went home and suffered from, 'depression and personal problems', which, the article had stressed, he had been plagued with before joining the monastery. Then one day he just went out and lay down under a train.

I was shocked. I remember the day he had a go at me in the kitchen and Muriel had defended me. I recall the time he spoke to me in the novices common room and the joke he had made about Galen, to his face.

Linda was standing besides me and I mentioned it. She had heard about it from the Middlesborough group. The article had said that they had received a lot of letters and cards about it. Of course, he worked permanently in the kitchen, and so many people had got to know him.

This was the last full day. So I lit a candle at the little Kanzeon shrine on my room, and felt gratitude. It was good and overall had gone well, despite the less than perfect astrology.

Last Day

We had a 'lie in', meaning rising was officially at seven, but as always, I was up a bit before.

I went down and Linda described her car so I would be able to fin

Meditation and the last ceremony went well. The master came, said goodbye and wished us all well.

The silence was over at breakfast. I spoke to Laura opposite me, who was indeed there with her sister as I had guessed. Also I got to speak to Ingrid. It was just small talk basically. Laura was from Nottingham. She asked what was wrong with my leg and I said I don't know. I asked her if I looked funny being helped up and down and she hesitated and said no, but was smiling while she said it. While we were talking, I noticed that there were really long looks at me from Heather. Ingrid talked a bit, she had joined twenty years ago in Austria and was really impressed that I was Indian, though I don't know why.

Washing up, I chatted with Jersey and I wanted to know about the retreat centre in France. Later the owner, Mo, came and told me about it and refered me to the website: www.lavilledavy.org.

I sat feeling awkward when they all left. Everyone was talking in little groups. I wanted to apologise to Mia as she had purposely not looked at me since the retreat started, and I wasn't sure if she was uncomfortable. I apporached her little group. There was her, Matthew and someone else. They completely ignored me for about a minute, then I started talking saying that I had been uncomfortable and hoped she wasn't creeped out. She said, 'Why, were you _trying_ to creep me out?'. They laughed and I pointed out that I hadn't chosen the seating arrangement, and she just shook her head.

It made me feel horrible actually. I don't know why as I'd done nothing wrong. She was kind of a snooty person perhaps. I noticed that she almost never gives anyone any eye contact. So, I just let it go, repeating to myself that I hadn't done anything other than what I had been told to do.

That feeling, of being unliked, did linger.

George came and shook my hand again.

I got in the car with Linda and Elizabeth. I needed reassurance about the feeling that Mia had left me with. They said it's not so creepy.

We drove for about ten minutes and then I realised that I had left my wagasa (the black precept band I'd received when taking the precepts) on the toilet door by the guest house. We slowed, like Linda wanted to go back for it, but I know that she wanted to go home and see her children, but it did intensify this feeling I was experiencing.

We arrived at the station. Outside the car Linda asked me where I was going, and I said Hong Kong and then somewhere. She said, 'Well good luck and be careful where ever you go... come here and hug me.' So we hugged each other, I was about to release after a couple of seconds, but she held on and I relaxed, and we actually held each other for quite some time in that car park. I was quite touched. She, I think, may have worked out that I'd adrift, I don't know. Perhaps it's just, a slightly shared history.

Elizabeth and I went in to get tickets. Then we went over the bridge. There was two of the grey guys and the black woman. I got chatting to the woman. She was Nigerian but living... Scarborough I think. She recommended me to wait in Thistle hotel as I had so much time to kill. We stood there and chatted for quite some time.

We all got on the train. I ended up with a grey guy. He was from Warwick. He was generally... boring to talk to but didn't know it (do boring people ever know they're boring (so perhaps he was bored by me and everyone else is)). He talked a bit about the chaplaincy work he does. Various grey stuff.

We got there. The black woman was missing, and we never did see her again. We ended up going to Thistle, and it was very nice, though the service was poor. This grey guy seemed a bit full of himself. He said he had been an architect who had helped build some of the abbey. They talked about gardening, I talked about Hong Kong. It was a nice little chat. I took a couple of pictures of them and they didn't even notice.

They left.

I went up, quite tempted to smoke, so I bought a nicotine inhalor. I went to a place in the shopping centre but was asked to leave because I was just one person and had sat down at a table for four.

So I went somewhere else and had a coffee with my nicotine fix.

I walked all around Newcastle, I was on a real downer by now. I played some

_Note: interrupted when the courier arrived with my passport_

Later: 7.42pm. MacDonalds, The Drapery, Northampton.

I was going to say: I played some music to try and change my mood. It was mainly the bad feeling about Mia. I passed an information booth where I could send email, so I tried to ask Throssel for my wagasi, but later found out I'd got their address wrong.

I ended up in a MacDonald (as I am now). It was full of lively kids but quite friendly. I was sitting next to an old bag lady. She gave me what I thought was a bag of fruit, but turned out to be a happy toy. I wrote in my book:

Perhaps it's always going to be like this. A feeling of closeness to people can never last -- and it's always painful to leave.

But Linda's compassion hurt earlier also. One can desire compassion (which throws a spanner in the scriptures), which was perhaps my problem all along? To be happy, wanting nothing means even not wanting compassion.

I need to be very aware of my tendency to want and to cling to compassion.

I also wrote: A lot of the sadness of this [particular] moment, as I sit in Macdonalds, is not having anywhere to go [fundementally].

I must stop wanting what doesn't exist, compassion in an unchanging form.

'What do I really want?'

Date: Tuesday 15th April 2008

Grand Hotel, Gold Street, Northampton. 11.14pm

I just heard that Oasis went into liquidation... actually while I was trying to buy a ticket. But I'll have to get to that; I am actually catching up.

... Anyway. I was in Macdonalds. It was anarchy with the teenagers in there but they didn't bother me. My mood was down, so I perked myself up by listening to some Gill, and it worked.

That is the end of the brief notes that I took at the time all this was happening. Now I must try and recall what happened from memory. I would add as a brief chastisment, to never let the diary fall as behind as this again... but it wasn't my fault, I wasn't allowed a computer in the monastery.

I hung around Macdonalds, then walked down to the station. It was about half ten then, on a Saturday. It was awful, anarchy. The whole centre was full of unconnected drunk people. First, a drunk guy came up and asked for money, but with enough intimidation that I was semi-mugged.

On the next block, someone semi-running and screaming ran in to me so hard that I was almost knocked flying.

Next corner, a drunk woman of about fifty grabbed hold of me and started shouting that it was raining and she was getting wet and would I give her an umbrella, but acting loud and crass and thinking she was being really funny.

I managed to get insdie the station. I went over to the toilet and a guy warned me not to go in there, but another guy said it wasn't too bad. I went over to Burgerking until it closed. It was raining quite heavily and I was in two pound slippers, open, with socks.

I walked onto the coach station. I had to stand in the rain for about half an hour. There were a surprising amount of people there. It was raining quite heavily. it was dark (of course), and the only light was harsh neon. It was cold on my exposed skin and my tea was stone-cold and curdled. The thought occoured to me, how this must be the low point of my trip. In the same way as in Jinghong, when I realised I was on the outer-side of the loop I'd traveled from, and from here, it was 'going back to Europe', this rubbish, cold and harsh coach stop was the northern most point, the coldest and grimmest and wettest point, and from there, it was going back to Asia.

Eventually the coach came. There was a guy before me. He handed over his ticket, but the driver told him that it was an open-return, and the bus was full and so he wouldn't be able to get on it. Remember, it was 11.45pm at night and this was the last until morning. He looked devestated.

I sat down near the back and had a man join me. He was huge. It was so uncomfortable. He slept with his legs wide open and half his ass on my seat. It wasn't his fault. each time he woke up he shifted up, but it was unconscious when he slept.

Behing me was a large northern woman who muttered most of the time. Next to her was a young Asian man who ate Indian food loudly and kept taking a phone call, arranging a five thousand pound payment to some guy.

We got to London. I kind of woke up, even though it was six am. I wasn't sure what to do, so I went over to Hammersmith, thinking I could at least get some St. John's Wort for when the nicotine withdrawel causes my seretonin to plummet.

I went to William Morris and had breakfast. There was a new manager, but the Eastern European woman who used to serve me was still there and said how hard it had been in the morning because the clocks had gone back, or forwards, or whatever it was.

I went up King's Road. I needed to use the Internet for some important reason that I can't recall now; but the place was gone. The shops weren't opening until later, so that was it. I went back to Victoria and got on the coach.

We arrived on time. The Grand was closed, so I phoned the number I had been given and some guy checked me in. The room was big size and cost the higher price, but the next day it was explained that there wasn't a small one but I'd only be billed the lower amount of 110 sterling.

It's not so bad. There's a kettle and a microwave. It's warm and there's hot water. Fine for now.

So I phoned Bri. He said he wanted hiimself and Carly to meet 'in the cafe near the Grand', but we couldn't agree if it was called Fontanas or not. So we said the Sole and Eel.

Next day they arrived. Carly is wholly freaked out by me and never looks at me, or barely a glance; she does'nt refer to me. Yesterday A wanted to give me somethng and she hesitated and A said, 'I'll give it to him'. That's how creepy I am to even my own family.

Anyway, they expained the situation. She was OK, but has bad 'turns' sometimes.

Sometimes, these turns border on psychotic. Like the time Carly turned up and she was trying to cook food on the radiator.

She is in this nursing home, it's nice and they look after her. She thinks that she's coming home, but they both think that it's better that she stays there, and so I have to be on the team, convincing her that it's in her best interests to stay there.

We drove over there. It was in Milton Malsor, a little village. It's 450 a week, she gets her own attached room and three meals, nursing and always someone there. The staff are friendly enough. B&C didn't stay so long, so then A & I had a chat and I got the bus back.

Date: Friday ?18th April 2008

Grand Hotel, Gold Street, Northampton. 10.22pm

Not sure of the date. I recall mentioning about six years ago, if I ever put a question mark in the date, then I'm more likely to get the day spot on and the date close... and that's still true now.

This updating is hard now. Not just because my notes have ran out, but because things are happening as fast as I can write them.

Until I catch up, much of the following won't be in chronological order.

I've been to see A. a few times. It's difficult sometimes, to keep up friendliness. Mainly because I am so averse to people. I've met Carly a few times. Poor girl, my whole persona has freaked her out; we've never spoken directly to each other. Also a couple of times, I've met her husband Richard. He works for the Carlsberg brewery. They are called Messrs. Faulkener. They have a mortgage and a house in a little village somewhere.

It was about a week ago now, I was sitting with A. I had my feet up on the bed. That's something I've kind of noticed about myself, although it's quite obvious to common sense, and that's how I feel wholly at home where ever I am.

Anyway, I was sitting there. I had the secret mission assigned to me to convince her to stay at the home for good. I had sensitively broached the subject. She had told me it was nice but she'd rather be at home, and that her income didn't cover the cost, which is contrary to how Carly had explained it (the finances).

She just announced that she was going to stay and make it her home.

I was waiting for my passport until the Monday which just passed. I had to phone up about it about four times. It turns out that, because the passport I had surrendered was issued in India, they wanted confirmation from the High Commission there that they had issued it. Of course, there was no reply, and so it dragged on for three weeks.

When it came, all of us i.e. me, A, C and R were in the house. Oh, I forgot to say, that to pay for the home, the house had to be let. Ugh. I don't want to write this next part; I'm so tired. I'm going to put it off and watch TV for a bit.

I LOVE THIS COMPUTER.

Date: Sunday 20th April 2008 FULL MOON

Beatties Restaurant, Grovsner Centre, Northampton. 1.01pm.

Yes, I was sitting in 'her' chair while she at the table. I say her chair, but of course, everything is hers. Everything was getting packed up and wrapped up. She was all matter-of-fact, saying that she had thought that the task would be depressing but as it was she didn't care. Of course, watching it all get emptied, I was only thinking of one thing, the missing photo of J. I couldn't ask for it as it's painful. I mean, it's painful. I'll ask and then I'll hear the magic words, probably one last time, you didn't want that did you?'

So... that will be it. She lost it or shredded it. I can just feel it. I mentioned that I would have a check when they were gone to make sure that nothing of mine was left. As soon as they were gone, I went straght to the black cabinet and through it with a fine toothcomb, but couldn't find it. My stomach sinks when I think about it.

Perhaps it's just this last thing. If I can send the box to J, put the last documents in the solicitors, and then I own nothing; there's nothing ever again that can hurt.

Perhaps I'll deal with it tomorrow. I'll put my wagasa on for support; it arrived from the monastery, though I haven't opened it yet. A is at her house, so I'll go and see if my passport arrived back from the embassy and then if there's a lot of saddness, i.e. 'What photo? What did you want that for?", then that will be the imputus I need to buy the ticket to Asia.

OOoooohhhhhh God.

...

I've seen some people I know around. Outside Sainsburys, I was Jason Marston. He was this kid I knew when I was about ten. He hated school, had the repeating fantasy of killing our school tormentor adult with a shotgun, and he used to organise games of 'army', in breaktimes. He was really enthusiastic about the games and made them a lot of fun.

Now, he was alone and looked kind of serious.

Then I saw Julie. I don't recall her other name. The only specific memory I have of her was 1979 outside Mrs Frost's class. We all had football trading cards as kids, the boys, but she had them too, and was the only girl who did. We all just accepted that and all enjoyed trading together.

She was also alone. Funnily enough I also saw her near Sainsbury but on a different day. She looked OK. The only real sign of age was the long lines down from her nose to her lip edges.

Another one was Garath Turner. He was loitering outside Beatties, watching paramedics trying to revive a man who had suffered a heart attack. He was the outdoorsy type who's father took her mountaineering. He came up the Mill (one of M's pubs) once. I never really, really liked him but he was OK I guess. The main memory I have of him is once, we were about eleven. We were doing a long-distance race and he just disappearred. He turned up about half an hour later and told the masters that a man had attacked him and sexually assulted him. No one believed him and he was ignored. Oh, that school.

Of course, I bumped into Darren. I was walking through Ridings Arcade and saw a figure running up towards me with a fist outstretched about to hit me, and saw it was him and he burst out laughing. He look a heck of a lot older; we finally had the drink we had been talking about. We walked onto the Goose.

He had just been to the doctor. He's taking methadone and diazapam and various things to help with his various mental issues, a result of the drug problem he picked up in prison. He said that it all started after his father died. He showed me his arms and on both of them there are huge tatoos both dedicated to his father.

We just talked generally. I gave him my news. His brother had a child had been taken away due to the constant arguing with his wife, and now the mother has custody and looks after him.

Darren still lives alone in the same place in St. James. He says he's become a loner and stays in most days.

He wanted to smoke so we went on. He looked through the cd's for about an hour on the market, then we went to The Auctioneer. We were there for an hour, then I needed to go to the Internet cafe to log onto the bank. We walked up and he took me to his doctors in Hazlewood Road to see if I could get registered there. They put me through the system and it turns out I'm still registered at the Mounts Medical Centre. I went there a few days later and updated my name change, then they sent me a medical card. It says 'JAG Rapheal' as 'my' 'doctor'. This is a man who refered to me as a 'monster', said I had to go to psychiatry or I'd be dragged out the house 'kicking and screaming', even though I hadn't even indicated I would refuse at any point. I must go there and get myself off his books.

Darren and I walked up, swapped contact details and then said we'd meet again before I left.

Another person I got to see was my father, well both of them. I went over there last Sunday for about an hour I think. I got my Olympus camera out. He said I'm 'not like his son', which might have been a bit of a Fruedian slip, but he was referring to how different I am to him.

They have absoutely no news whatsoever, of course. There's a lot of distance between us and I've kind of let go of them in my heart.

While I'm updating like this, I'll just mention a few other notes I made. Well. a note. Back in Hong Kong, I found out, after I'd mentally announced my new Star name, surrounded by Star this and Star that, that the Star ferry was started by an Indian, who named it after Tenyson's 'Crossing the ?????' poem, from the line; 'Sunset and evening star, and one clear call for me'.

Later: Morelli's Cappuccino, Grovsener. 2.59pm

I finally made it up to the Open University also. I had phoned then earlier in the week and explained that I was waiting for my passport and so had missed the deadline for financial support. I was told I'd have to go there and pay a third of the course, apply for credit on the rest of the course, and then cancel the course if I wasn't afforded the award.

Well it was just a local bus up; actually, it was t he same busI used to take to the hospital there when mother way dying. But this time I had to get off at the station. Another bus took me right into the campus. It drove off and I was desserted; it wasn't like a 'normal' university campus, it was mostly desserted.

I had a reflective moment. I thought right back to being a little kid, and these relly, really boring OU programs that used to come on and wondering what they were. More recently, standing there was the end result of decisions and actions in Vietnam, then Laos and Hong Kong. It was something I thought about the other day, while I was going through my plan I realised that much of it needs to be deleted because I have achieved much of it.

Anyway, I had to walk to the 'East Wing', and introduced myself at reception. I sat in the waiting area; it really was a quiet place generally. Eventually, a woman called Barbara Waters arrived. I explained it all to her and she seemed to think I had some special arrangement with the funding people; that they had told me it would all be rushed through for me. She looked straight at me and asked me if that was the case. I had to be honest and say no, that isn't what they said; I was expecting to have to pay. She took all my documents and pointed out that I'd forgotten to fill in the declaration that I'd lived in the UK for three years prior to the course starting.

Then she went off to copy the documents. But for the puropse of the form; I filled it in honestly. When I first signed on for benefit in Hammersmith, I had to go through a habitual residency test and I easily passed on the basis I never left for a fixed and settled purpose. I never lived anywhere on anything more than a tourist visa. Then I checked on the Inland Revenue web site. I was considered resident as I had no fixed purpose to leave. I lived here. The form said, the OU form I'm talking about, that I must have 'lived' here, which I did, and to have been resident.

Anyway, she came back and said it was all fine, she should be able to put it straight through the system. I asked if I was supposed to pay, as I had been expecting, and she said not if she can get it all on the computer. She said to phone back in about an hour and a half. Then she and the security guard gave me directions back to the bus and I returned to central Milton Keynes.

I wandered round the shops for a minute; I couldn't find a pair of trousers that fitted. I went to the phone and called back. I wasn't on the system at Lipton, which caused some confustion; now I was on as Starr. She said that it's all fine, I'm on the course and registered and I got funding and it's all paid for. Then she laughed, said that I must be happy that I phoned back, she completed the registration online, which meant reading out the terms and conditions, and then said that my study stuff would be sent out at the start of next week.

And We're On Our Way.

OK; that's that.

I recceived my passport, finally, Monday. Tuesday I went to buy my ticket. Mercury was conjunct... I don't recll., but something auspicious. I logged on but the site was down for amintenence. So Iwent back to town and got shopping, had a coffee. Then I logged on again. The home page, which had mentioned the maintenence, said that the company had gone into liquidation as of this minute, that all planes were grounded and there was a claim form for people who already had tickets, as they were now cancelled.

I was, my dear, in absolute shock. I went to the message boards, thinking I would be the first to break the news, but actually there were fourteen pages of comments. People in the UK were to get their money back to their credit cards. Oz customers no, because it was a purchase outside their own country. There were stories of people and Oasis staff stranded all around the world, even some in Nambia where the guess was that they were on a charter.

The books at Oasis were a shambles. It turns out that they were losing a million Hong Kong dollars per flight.

Oh man, did I feel down. Not just for my own selfish reasons. That was a genuinely nice airline. It changed my plans for the better. The staff were great; you know how much I liked it. Later that night I sat sadly looking at the free Oasis cutlery that I still use. I looked online. Other tickets are about 800-1200, as opposed to the 150 that I paid to get here. Now the airlines are free to choose whatever they want.

With Oasis, it was just so effortless. I could even pick my seat for free.

I mourned them.

Considering what I'm doing now, I realised that I'd probably have to cut Hong Kong out. The plan was to go back there as it was the cheapest entry to Asia, then fly to Bangkok and Chiang Mai and do all my copying, start my studies, write two books and travel back overland.

Now that just doesn't make sense. I shall just go to Bangkok, North to settle and copy. There's no break, just straight to it. Tickets there might be around 400. I'm not sure.

I'm still on for it generally.

I looked into the best way to get a Thai visa, which I'd be needing whatever happened. It was, it turns out according to the message boards, easier to post the passport to the embassy in Hull and so I phoned and it turned out to be the case. I managed that on Friday, so it might even be ready now. It must be there tomorrow, or I'll have to go and get it from the sorting office because I need the ID to sell the gold; I have a ticket to London on Tuesday.

Oh, I ordered the negative scanner and that came, so I'll be able to copy and then destroy most negs (if I can bring myself to). That's another thing.

Tomorrow I have to go up and ask about that damned photo. (My stomach turned over just now, thinking about it stop this!).

Uh ooooohhhh aaaaahhhh ow old dear Oasis Diary. Didn't we write so much since arriving, and didn't we do well to mostly catch up.

I'll add snippets of anything else that occoured but I forgot, if they occour.

Date: Wednesday 30th April 2008

Terminal Five, Heathrow Airport, London.

LEAVING, BABY, **YEAH**!!

Wow, a lot happened. I've got to go and find food and the flight gate. I'll update when I have a minute.

Date: Saturday 3rd May 2008 (University Course Officially starts)

King Wah Hostel, 10th Floor, Sincear House, Argyle Street, Mongkok, Hong Kong.

HOME!!!

Asia's World City!

Happy! Happy!

4.42am. though. Not sure what's happened, Perhaps I'm tired, perhaps I'm jet-lagged. Whatever it is, I'm sitting on the bed wide-awake, and I've done almost all the work I can.

Obviously, the 'straight to Bangkok and cut my losses' plan changed. I was a whisker away from doing that. I was in the process of buying the ticket, and the cheapest one was 'multiple carriers', via Hong Kong. British Airways for 200 to HK and Lanka Air to Bangkok for another hundred. I was about to click 'buy', then I thought... hang on. I can perhaps buy that seperately. So I did. Sitting there, I did the I Ching quickly online, which is about as 'on the fly' as it gets with me. HAPPY. HAPPY. HAPPY!!! Oh God, I love it here.

Anyway, I Ching said go for it. So I did. 190 including taxes, and I could specify a vegetarian meal.

Once I had that, then a few days later I booked an Air Aisa flight for the 10th to Bangkok. I don't recall the price, I think perhaps about 50. Today, I paid 30 to go to Chaing Mai on the 13th. I saw the perfect flight and was booking it, but the I Ching said no, so I booked a later one, of which it says that there will still be problems but the end result is hexagram one, creative.

So to go over what happened before I was leaving. Once more, this might be a bit of a non-chronological mish-mash.

I got a letter from the OU tutor inviting me to a first tutorial at Northampton college. It came the day before it was scheduled. Before, I went up to see par and said that yes, I would come the following Sunday for lunch, kind of to celebrate my birthday.

I arrived at the college about half an hour early. The receptionist knew nothing about it, it wasn't on any list. Someone came and we wandered about looking for it. Eventually someone else turned up, then a tutor.

In the end we were in a room, there were four women and a guy and me... a kind of half-guy.

Well the lady, Ms. Burton, seemed throughly disorganised, which I thought might bode well as she won't work out that I'm never there again. She went through the course and I kind of convinced myself that it wouldn't work out and that I shouldn't do it.

At the end we all were invited to say a little bit about ourselves. The guy was really into it and reading some advanced book that impressed everyone. The next two women were standard non-distinct limey nothings whining about their kids, who kept phoning them while they were talking about them.

Then the woman to my left, who came accross as a standard English, 'arrogant, I'm right and you're wrong and I'm going to rub your nose in the fact' person, started talking about her wife, and how they were the first lesbian couple in Northampton to get married when England 'came out of the dark ages' ... (when was that?).

Then, as I'd sat there sqwirming, it came to me, and I just said, 'I don't like speaking'. They said fine and it was all over and we left. Considering that's the last they'll see of me, I don't know what they're going to think.

As I said, I'd convinced myself I would't be able to do it. Not that the material is too hard, quite the contrary. There's a lot about note taking and summerising and stuff, and this is basiacally all I've done since leaving school.

It was mainly being able to receive the course books and submit assignments.

Since then, I've convinced myself that it has a fair chance of working out. Half the stuff came, the other half didn't, but the books I didn't get are available online as pdf's, which was what I was expecting, having looked into this for some time now.

I wrote the tutor a letter explaining I was a bit transient, and left it at that. Now, I've cast my bread. All I can do is get into it and do my best. I'm an audio cd down, apart from that, I think I have everything I need.

I just made the bus back.

Another time on the same bus, I saw Steven Collis. This kid was so cool at school, carried a knife, had an adult girlfriend. Now, twenty years later, he's just some fat ginger bloke on the bus. Oh, why did I have to go to school? My life would be so much better if I'd never had to have gone.

Then again, it's not that bad.

I was on the Star Ferry today and realised how I do kind of have this emotional link to Hong Kong. It was going to the exotic and not Englsih Cantonese take-away as a little kid that implanted this fascination which grew into my J. obsession... but I came here before I knew her, and now it's here that I'm letting go of her. But I'll get onto that later.

Oh, I love, love, love this computer!

I realised that I had written to the wrong house when I tried to tell Yasmine I was in the UK. I wrote to 3 but she lives at 2. I only realised that when I was packing and an old loose page of my address book fell out.

Geoff messed up big time. A. was hating him long before I arrived back; I got that from Brian while still in Yangshou. I didn't know what it was really about though. It turns out that, when she got sick, he basially acted like himself and started trying to take everythiing over.

I got the full feeling from A while sitting with her in that room once. G. had turned up at the hospital once, and he'd woken her up while she was sleeping. She mimicked his voice while she told me about it, 'Hello Auuuunnnttttiiieeee', and she snapped, 'And God, he's so false'.

Then she moved to this nursing home and didn't give this address, but he found out somehow (the solicitor got the blame for that, so he's another one out the loop now). She said that she nearly had a heart attack and shouted for him to leave. The staff are under strit instructions that he's not allowed in ever again; there was even talk of getting a court order against him.

Anyway, this time I was sitting with her for a long time. She sat there with a distant look on her face, and suddenly started on about how Mother was dying and wanted to refuse treatment and he (G) pushed her into it so he could look really cool infront of the doctors, and then all her hair fell out over a few days. And she went on about how much it affected her. He got all the blame, which is fair enough as no one else pushed her into it.

So, he can never go there again.

And yet again, a will change. I didn't ask, or want to know as I've wholly surrendered to my light, hell or high water, but she insisted on summig it up as 'two in, two out'. Geoff and Yasmine out, me and Carly in. Not only that, I got 500 in gifts, and an increase in direct debit.

It really is very strange how the mighty crumble. Who would have thought it? It's hard for me to convey the irony of it by writing. I just think back to this self-assured know-it-all always trying to be in charge and be the one who knows everything and give me advice and tell me what to do. I've said it before and I'll say it again and that is my biggesst regret in life is leaving J to go and see him.

Right, to get on with it (the story).

I received my little negative scanner. I've been trying to put my whole life onlie sinnce the first time I went back, but of course I have a lot of negatives that were too expensive to have scanned.

Months ago (years?) I kept my eye out for an affordable scanner. I found one and it became part of the Dharma Willing Plan. Yes, I ordered it. My order fell through while I was at the monastery, but eventually I got one sent from Jersey.

I left it in the little bedroom, and of course, it went missing. A was going there most days, doing her favourite task of throwing things away. But I think perhaps there was saddness too; there must be. It's thirty or so years, and I think she was happier there, that's what she told me. It just dawned on her that she wouldn't be able to cope, so there was acceptence... but perhaps relief that the struggle was over.

So, the scanner was gone. This came to a head as I had risen enough energy to ask where the photo was, the one of j. I'm talking about. I'd put it off because the reaction is going to be the same and link into all this childhood pain of all the things I lost to her.

I finally asked, and she had no idea what I was talking about. I said everything I could to jog her memory. When she found it, in the middle of all the shredding, I'd asked about it every time, and eventually was dumbstruck when she said, out-the-blue, 'Even though it means nothing to me I know it means something to you.'

Looking back, I bet that wasn't even from her. The time I fell apart and cried for all my missing stuff, in bhs when I told mother it was gone, even she cried, it must have been mentioned. A said something about M. coming back from bhs and asking for stuff, so this was something Mother had said to her and had managed to stick in her head.

Until I asked for it, then she had no idea about it.

Can you imagine that? She just threw away one of my most treasured possessions, found it in the middle of a mass shredding, then promises for the third time to look after it, and then just denies all knowledge of it.

Days later, she just suddenly remembered it. It was in the strongbox at her house.

On the last day I saw her, we were in the car and she said it's at Carly's house. Carly immeadiatley went to get it, just offered straight away; thanking her was the first and last time I've ever spoken to her.

I got it, in a white envelope marked on the cover, 'DO NOT DESTROY', so she had at least some understanding, and she did indeed go through some worry about the scanner. I felt bad in a way; all the stress I caused her... but GOD I don't know sometimes.

Uuuurrrgghhhh. It's a quarter to six in the morning and I'm just starting to get tired.

I did go on a bit of a downer after last seeing her. I redid my will. I was actually sitting by her bed while I retyped it. The day before she'd found the scanner, and went straight back to the nursing home in case I turned up, which I did. So the last day I'd decided to go up and be cheerful no matter what.

And it was a nice last morning I suppose. Carly and Brian signed my will. When I left she came to the door and said, 'Look after yourself'. I got a bit emotional. Then left.

No one got around to sorting out the things I needed. I was supposed to leave a box with Scott, the solicitor, in his strongroom, but I ended up bringing it with me. I mean, I had to buy a bigger bag, and currently I'm carrying everything I own in the whole wide world.

That sounds insane, but not really. I want to send back everything about J to J. Look, none of this causes me happiness; that's something I've learned. I have my little scanner, so I can save all my negs digitally, then dump them. I can scan the last of my photographs. It's just going to work out. Eventually, I'll just have a folder with essential documents in, Scott and the Red Cross can have it. Then I'm free, as free as a bird. There's sadness, but also excitement. Nothing behind me.

Of course, I'll be sorting much of it out while I study, over the coming months. But it's the last time I ever have to do it. Dharma Willing, I can go and see where J. lives I LOVE THIS COMPUTER! and let go once and for all.

My name is now Starr, and my life is about following your star, surrendering all you have and all you are to the knowing that something is trying to place you where you're supposed to be.

Maybe I should stop typing now. My mind wants to go on but my ass is hurting.

6am!

Well, this, in 20,000 words, is what happened in my five weeks in England.

Later

Pacific Coffee Company, Wanchai, Hong Kong Island

I decided I'm not going to sleep, so I might as well come out.

I was just going through my camera earlier and realised, or rather remembered that I got a picture of Robert Cadd on my card, actually the morning I was leaving. He was the school nerd. Darren went to prison for attacking him, and we saw him when we were sitting in The Auctioneer the day we met up.

He's another one of the Lost Boys, like me I suppose. Always wandering around town by himself. Anyway, the point is sitting here in such a relaxing place with Jazz playing, I felt a wave of gratitude that I'm me, whatever my issues might be.

There's another lost boy, actually, he's older than me. He was always in Morellis alone, but well ddressed. When I started going to MacDonalds at night, then I realised that he's always alone, just looking for places to go. He was like this the first time I went back to England.

What's wrong with these people? Is it the same as what's wrong with me?

Actually.... what is wrong with me? I'm pretty happy sitting here.

This is all a long way away as I sit here.

I was, again, looking through the course materials before I came out. I actually spent most of the night studying. I realised that the last tutor marked assignmet has to be written in an OU answer booklet. That is a major pain because I don't have it. I don't know if it's coming in the next mailing. I can't think what to do, except get on with what I'm supposed to be doing right now and worry about it later. It's not until October that it even has to be in.

With the diary, I think I was essentially up until I left. I had been really dreading the actual trip, I bought a massive bag on the market; 13 starling with ssome haggling. It won't last for long, but it should get me to Chiang Mai where I settle down for a while.

I was, and still am remember, carrying everything I own in th world (own is an annagram of won, I just found that out by making a typo). I had to make it step by step, but got myself to Beatties. I had a last tea and onto the bus. I was paranoid sitting on it thinkig that the silver case with all the J stuff in it would be stolen, even though my plan is to send it back to her; it's important to do that somehow.

In London it was raining, of course. I went to Victoria library. I'd been paranoid that it was closed, but it wasn't. I put my transsiberian guidebook back (yep, thinking of it), and went on the computer where I printed out my boarding pass. I'd already checked in exactly 24 hours before in the pub!

I walked to the underground and the guy was a bit of an ass about a refund I was entitled to. I got on the train to Heathrow anyway.

I remember when I was a teenager and used to come down to London, it fascinated me that there was an airport on the underground, and I tried to get there, but was intimidated off it. But now here I was going on to fly out to childhood mystery Hong Kong.

We arrived and I struggled up. The check in staff were really nice. I was worried I would be over the 24kg weight, but only came up to 16kg in the event. I went through security, then realised that I'd accidentally carried a knife through.

I found a paper and sat about for a bit. The fllight was delayed by three hours. I went and asked a guy what to do and he directed me to another builddig, and I had a funny feeling, so I came back and asked another woaan at aanother desk. She idirected me to part B, down a lift and on a train. I went and there were signs saying not to board until your flight is shown on the board.

I had been directed there though. Suddeenly I had a strong intuition from no where not to go, so I went back up and spoke to the woman, who apologised and said that had been a mmistake. Lucky intuition, as it takes 40 minntes to get back, according to the warning signs.

Eventually we all got on. It was a bit cramped but the seat next to me was one o the rew free ones on the whole plane, so I was greatful for that. The limey guy next to me was friendly buy clueless. For example, he turned my tv off when it was working, because from his angle it looked like it was off. The entertinment was really good, but turned off each time there was an announcement, whiich is typical pohm. Little prat in a peak cap is the most important thing in the world.

Top marks, I'd booked vegetarian food through the consolidator, and they served me two meat free meals. The film was fun too, plus saw the simpsons.

But there was something wrong with the aircon. It was freezing cold and my throat bunged up. I just took an alprazolam and lost consciousness under a blanket.

We arrived. The clueless man hung around me for a bit but then took a connection. Straight through customs no problem. A21 to Mongkok and a first, didn't get lost in Hong Kong. Jackie was there and didn't realise I had a new name. I took bus two to the water and a coffee in Avenue of the Stars and WAS BACK BABY OOOOOHHHHHH.

Reflection: Mission Accomplished. I stayed three weeks longer than intended, but did do all the things I'd planned:

● Changed my name to Starr

● Took the precepts

● Got a new passport

● Changed my ID's

● Gave up smoking

● Took the precepts

● Received a Wagasa

● Got the photo

● Protected my possessions

● Gave up smoking

● Started university

● Registered with a 'doctor'

Good work!

Next day I went down for coffee after moving to thee 10th floor. The place was packed. I ended up trapped in Freshness Burger as the Olympic torch was going through. Anarchy. Afterwards I came to the Island and the place was packed full of mainlanders waing flags 'One China, One family', all specially shipped in in case there were any pro-Tibetan demonstrators.

Went home last night and stayed up all night studying, both worried and excited my the course... and when I finally gave up the sleeping ghost, I came here. So here I sit typing this.

Date: Tuesday 6th May 2008 MY BIRTHDAY

Pacific Coffee Company, Santung?, Wanchai, Hong Kong. 10.28am.

Another year older. I'd had a vague plan to go to Lantau but my leg isn't holding up in the moist atmosphere, and so I'm taking it easy, which is absoluely fine, as there's nowhere else in the world I'd rather be 'celebrating' my birthday.

Shall I do the usual, 'I've never celebrated my birthday nor a New Year with anyone'?OK.

'I've never celebrted my birthday or a new year with anyone. Then again, I've never been in the same place for a birthday and new year since I was 20, so I guess there's a lot of compensaation in it for me.

It's very hard getting things done. I don't know why. I suppose I was jetlagged, then my leg went, then I just didn't have the evergy. It's so easy to spend time sitting around these expensive coffee places with lovely decors. Thank God they don't have free wifi or I'd probably move into the damn places. Of course, some things I'm trying to do aren't really a lot of fun, like getting the box full of J's stuff shipped off to J, seeig the debtist, or at least trying to. Yes, it's complicated; I don't have so much time though, only three full days after today.

I did get stuck in with the study though. Did I mention that I'm missing an answer booklet? I'll have to deal with it nearer the time. As it is, I've taken notes from all the supplementary booklets they sent me, so I just have to dowload one more. I did the whole workbook and am doing the introductory text today. It's all about England, which of course I couldn't care less about, but I keep reminding myself than I need this qualification to have any chance of leaving, leaving with a new nationality; objective number one.

Anyway, I'd better get on with the study.

Date: Saturday 10th May 2008

Location: In the sky, on an Air Asia flight to Bangkok.

I'm in the air again. Again I accidentally took my knife through security, and so owned up just as I was going through, and then had to surrender it. I almost got the feeling that they wanted to let me take it... but no, so there you go.

Anyway, it's only been four or five days since I wrote. One thing I was going to mention, that I noticed. Every year I kind of note J's birthday as a precursor to my own. This year, I hd my birthday and was shocked that J's seemed so far away. On the 6th I went through the pictures on my camera and relised that I was actuallly in Yangshou on J's birthday. I wrote her a letter in Yangshou park, then went to the 'night-club', in the evening, where someone else was also celebrating their birthday.

I sent J's box to her. It was five kilos and cost me forty US, but it's gone. I have film and negs, as I need them for the work I'm doing, but everything else is on it's way, even the rings. Oh, and A. gave me a keepsake, the family crest from the wall, and I even put that in.

The plan had been to go to Kowwloon Park, make a lisst of everything that was in there, re-photograph it onto my higher resolution camera, write a sad letter, and then let it go.

But once I got to Kowloon Park, it was just too much work. I walked onto the post office and just sent it. I felt bad in a way. Then again, I'm carrying everything I own in the world, and so each thing I can let go of is something I can let go of forever and not have to carry.

I did, on my birthday, get a hello from Mian. Oh, it was so sweet. I didn't relise until a few days later, but it really made me happy. I do feel very alone sometimes, and it's nicee to have that constancy.

I love Hong Kong. I really enjoyed just going around the coffeehouses, and just being there. I did get a bit down sometimes. I think it's because I always have to be in aa windowless shoebox of a room, but there really is a lot of compensation. I was even strting to vaguely think of ways I could legally settle there. By chance I passed the headqurters of the Open University of Hong Kong, and that got me thinking. There's a lot of OU stuff on TV there also. Possibly, I don't know... if I was a graduate. And even now, technically, I'm a full-time student, and I have a bona-fide union card to prove it.

The plane just started descending; there's a lot of turbulance. I'm a bit tired. Still, I'm happy enough.

I checked out today, five kilos lighter, which made things a little easier. I got the boat to Macau from Kowloon, and had already worked out a vague plan of how to get to the airport. When I arrive later, I have a hotel reserved, and a map printed in both English and Thai, so all tht's worked out.

I must get to work on my OU essay. I only have a week in real-time. I must also phone Bri. I want to check that carly got the necklace and also to see if A got the phone put in yet.

There are some amazing clouds out the window; I'm always awed looking down on clouds from a plane.

Anyway (Ugh. 'me ears are popping).