New Web Home

I've been keeping the updates at Google docs, and hopefully am going to be able to string the whole diary together at last. But I have found a new web home. I've only been using it about ten days, but already have pretty much moved all my work there, archive etc. I get 2gb space, no ads, ftp and a subdomain. So, this new site I started on back in Yangshou and have been working on a sociology and Religious Studies site on and off, so I finished all this and put it up online. Not only that, I've got all the diaries I copied in England up at Picasa and linked to the new diaries. I'll update properly another time. Of course, my new site is all about magic, spirituality and human potential ... as usual!

Nanning Photo

Only just realised that the blog can upload photos. So what's best for me? To put the diaries here, find another free space and put them there as html? Google them? I don't know.

Anyway, this was the room in Nanning, beings as that's where I was up to; but it's really to check that I can get a picture up OK.

Nanning Typing

This is from the hotel in Nanning. There was Internet in the room, but I could only access a mail account.

Form there, I can't find anything. So I haven't written my diary since I entered Vietnam... which would be about right I think. It was running out of webspace that threw me. Couldn't decide where to post to, so stopped.

Anyway, this was at Nanning.



********** Nanning Typing *******************



It's a strange situation that I find myself typing here. I'm in Nanning, the main large city close to the border with Vietnam, and actually sitting in a room typing this into my mail account, because I can't actually sign into anything else. I can't use my usb key, I can't upload or access my website or blogs. But at least I'm here, with some kind of vaguely working computer in the room, the first ever in my room, just a week after I decided how productive I'd be with a laptop and asked the universe for one. Not quite my own laptop today, but it's a start towards one.



Next Day



Oh, I didn't get so far with typing then. The novelty of a computer in the room wore off pretty quickly when I realised that there's pretty much nothing it can do. I'm managing to do this typing into the mail account.

But while I'm here, I might as well say something about my time in Yangshou.



Overall, I loved it. It's funny isn't it. What feels like a million years ago now, I was sitting in UK, planning a trip to Bangkok, and that place seemed good because there was supposed to be the best cybercafe in China, and I did indeed end up there doing a load of typing, well, work generally, I pretty much built my site about religous studies.



It was a dark place and they overcharged a little, though it still worked at five hours for a pound, five times cheaper than England.



I left when I met Simon. I first became aware of him when I was sitting eating in Minority one morning and he had some semi-fight with a foreigner next door. He's about my age. Some guy was saying about how he never buys drinks, always scrounges and is trouble.



One day in the cybercafe, which turns out to be called Love Internet, he was theree arguing about price, and he asked me if I know how much it should cost.



I'd see him about around town and he'd say hello. One day he was passing and just joined me without asking, luckily just as I was leaving. He told me how to get a one year visa in Hong Kong and that I should go up to Kunming.



A few days later he caught my eye in the same place and said hello but I looked away. I'm really an expert at stonewalling people.



Anyway, while chatting, he mentioned that he was paying half of what I was in the cybercafe, and I was funny about using it after that, because I realised they were being arrogant there. I tried a few other places but there was too many technical problems. Also, the Chinese don't use printers, I've not seen one the whole of the time I've been here, and I've gone about as far as I can without print outs.



I met quite a few people there, or rather people tried to speak to me and I managed to get away from them. There was Walter, did I mention him. A Dutch guy who smoked all the owners cigerettes and was impossibly tall. He noticed my religious studies book and spoke about all these religious experiences he'd had.



A lot of Chinese wait down by the river and try to start conversations with foreigners to practice English. Having been in India so long I'm always suspicious. Once I was sitting at a table and a woman came and joined me saying just, 'Are you alone?', which really isn't an opener. So I got up and walked off. There are loads of people I stonewalled like that. I feel bad in a way now as they weren't touts as far as I can work out, they really were just people who wanted to practice their English.



There was this one boy who was unbelivably persistant. Each time I saw him coming I got up and walked off. Once, I was eating something and couldn't get away, so he did manage to get conversation out of me. He said he's staying at a school where I can have a job but it only pays board, not wages. I passed the school a while later and they were actually offering wages then. Anyway, this boy in the 'conversation' said that I seem really down and do I want to talk about it.



I spent a lot of time sitting in Riverside. I used to go there a few times a day. Once three women came up, they looked about eighteen and one had three long marks down her neck, like someone had love bitten her to make a pattern. Anyway, they said that they were haviing a party in the dorm and did I want to join them? I said that I was busy.


Even the woman from the hotel sat and joined me. Under the pretence of asking if I prefered orange juice room temperature or cold, she ended up with a dictionary. Her husband arrived and I think he was trying to get into Buddhism, but it was a slow conversation.



Everything was well and good. I invested some of the money which the solicitor sent, it's a part payment of the money mother had as cash. I bought just a couple of grand of bonds as I already have the shares.



I completely finished studying the Religious studies book and made a mind map for every chapter. I made a parcel up and sent them all back, as well as my shoes, so I'm travelling a bit lighter now.



I think it just became time to leave. I liked Minority. The man was honest and they were a nice family. I liked the food, but that hotel room became like a prison. There was a neighbour who had a cockrel which kept me awake. It was all so enclosed. I went over to Guilin and the same staff all remembered me and said hello, but the one in charge ignored me, this is the one who said that she wanted to come with me to live in, what I didn't know at the time, but she was asking if we could both stay at the Yangshou Culture House. This is Hostelworld's highest ranking place and she probably knew that most foreigners are on the way to stay there.



Anyway, I walked out and ended up booking flowers on line when I wanted to return.



They started being weird in Riverside. I used the computers for free there a little as I was off Love Internet, but they all used to laugh knowingly when I went there. One morning it got to me and I just walked out and never went back. It was a nice little place while it lasted though.



My God, is this all that happened in Yangshou?



Anyway, Minority owner wrote down my instructions/requirements for a ticket and I went to Guilin train station, but there was only the hardest class, so I went back without it. A few days later, I left, just resigned to having a hard seat.



So I left. I went back to Flowers, and the woman was friendler and checked me in, then I went to the centre and ate at a new place. It was nice. Opposite there was a big sign for 'King David Bowling' but it was all old and peeling paint and no longer there. I thought about how much trouble must have gone into making it, and what the business was like when it was running and all the happy memories that some Chinese people must have because they'd never been bowling, and now it's just some forgotten nothing, peeling paint and broken neon.

Some foreigners, British, were near me. They complained that the Guinis was out of date, but they were looking at the manufacture date. It didn't make any difference as they'd convinced themselves that it tasted funny. They sat and played cards for a while and then went away to a bar next door. As they left, the woman turned and pointed me out to her partner and 'that guy who kept staring at me funny'. So obviously the clientelle aren't good enough for them as isn't the beer.



The waitress joined me and tried to make conversation, prompting me to immeadiately call for the bill, though she didn't seem to mind, perhaps it's just me that's weird.



That evening, A phoned. All is well. Apparently the man who painted at A's goes to Geoffs place some times. He was there in the evening once and there's only a few people in. A said there's real money problems there. It's something that mother said to me more than once towards the end; he's not suited to running a pub. he's clannish with just a few regulars, doesn't introduce his family around etc. But whatever, he's nothing to do with me now.



I left the next day to the much dreaded first class. The attendant showed me to the wrong seat and I had to move, but then there was no space for my bag, so it was on my lap, but the guy next to me helped me.

I knew where I was going as I'd done a fair bit of research, and even looked at the satelitte photo at GoogleEarth, so I walked across into Chayang hotel. It looked OK, but they insisted on 100Y deposit, which is fair enough, but there was no receipt. I checked in anyway. I stayed and then walked off looking for the Vietnamese Consulate, but couldn't find the building. I was so tired that I went to bed.



I got strange phonecalls all night from a Chinese woman. Next day I walked up to the Nanning hotel and asked them for help and they wrote the address of the Vietnamese consulate down for me. It was far but a taxi was less than a pound. I went in, filled in the form and was done.



Next day I went and got my ticket to Hanoi. No idea which class or anything, but I have it and am leaving thisevening.



There's not so much in Nanning. I remember when I first came to China and stayed in Shanghai. People were coming and going and told me about all these places. I remember a Canadian who had been robbed here on the way to Vietnam, and so had gone back to Shanghai to replace his passport. I remember the Aussies who told me about Yangshou, and I ended up going.



But there wasn't so much here. I walked down to the shopping centre at Parkinson and relaxed, but that was about it. Yesterday I came here to look at the room as those funny phonecalls go on and on and on, and I still didn't feel good about the deposit I'd paid. There was a computer in the room, and I got Google docs on it, so checked in and went and got two days shopping, then got back and realised that it can hardly do anything. It's uses a proprietrry browserr and I can't turn session cookies or ActiveX controls on, so it's near useeless... but at least I can type this I supposee. It cuts out when it gets hot though. I paid for a half day and though what the hell, it's just opposite the station, and a computer in the room is still one hell of a novelty. I'm trying to download a different browser to see if I might make a hotel booking, but if now then I'll do it elsewhere before leaving.



LATER



I've got ten minutes before I check out; I can't decide if I should hang about a restaurant or book accomodation, the I ching thinks I should just go and see what I can find, unbooked. Actually, there's just five minutes.



I wanted to say two things that became clear to me in Yangshou. One, I'll likely not have a conversation again. I think I already said that somewhere.



But I think the other thing is that I don't really want to be with anyone. Very often walking around Yangshou or having a tea somewhere, being mindful and watching my thoughts or just thinking, I was often aware that it was better just me and I was glad there was no one there.



It's a bit like in Satipatanna sutra, where it's as important to be aware of the absense of desire as when desire is present.



I spent so much time avoiding people who wanted to talk to me, perhaps I realisedthatt I prefer it that way. I spent my whole life worried I'd never find someone, and still worrying while I avoid everyone... and perhaps I should wake up to the fact that I don't like being with people and be happy with that.

Right, I'll write another time. Look at the booking pages; and get to Hanoi!




*************************
And this extra bit
*************************



Diary 14 July 2007 Nha Trang -- Typed from Notebook



Perhaps the awful, empty feeling was always there, but it's whatI was masking with booze? So now I don't drink anymore, but I'm not like other people. Other people create all sorts of distractions, work and family and arguments and possessions and passions and hobbies -- and I can't know anyone for whatever reason, probably my ultrasensitivity and having to avoid everything -- and there's just this stretching emptiness -- here and stretching off into the future that I don't know if I can live with.



[but now typing this days later, I'm happy.]

Catch Up

Still in Siam Reap, Cambodia, and still trying to catch up. I've had a good look through the USB and also google and mail accounts. I'm finding bits. I'm going to sit here and work it all out... then post things as I find them, then never let it slip again.

I miss my diary really. Anyway, I have brief notes of things I want to type up. Basically, for the first time since I was about fifteen, I stopped writing proper entries, basically since I left China.

So the first catch-up entry is this, which I wrote on my birthday, May 6th 2007 in Riverside Restaurant, Yangshou, China and typed up in Love cybercafe.

---

Today's the last day of Golden Week, and also my birthday. Golden week is on the same date every year, and also, I just now learned, is a Japanese holiday. So perhaps I was celebrating in a realm somewhere and came back to the earth when I'd finished?

It was quite a nice day actually. I woke up, had fried aubergine and rice, went and sat by the Li River for a while, when to the Riverside Restaurant and actually got served, and I wrote something I've been thinking about friendship, which I'll type in a minute.

I'm still in Minority. There's a little kitten called Nini there, and last night I went in the room and she was shut in there, probably from when they cleaned. So she played with my lanline while I saw in the birthday.

Yesterday, the waitress sat with me and we practiced English, she gave me a rice cake and we talked about the orange juice. Today, I got an automated email from Prince Charles Cinema wishing me happy birthday. From all the time's I've had to give out my date of birth in forms, you'd think someone would have set up a happy birthday.

There's no heavy news. A phoned. The buyers pulled out temporarily (for the house) beause part of their chain collapsed. Yasmine went mad about the money being split. There's a cheque on the way for the cash in hand for 27,000.00. The 500 I put in European stock finally made back all it's losses and is twelve pounds in black. There was this impossibly tall person called Walter in Minority who got in the habit of saying hello to me. My Religious Studies goes OK and is becoming a good looking website, but I can't get past the Chinese firewall to upload it.

So, to every thing I wrote today.

Changed my Mind 6 May 2007 Yangshou China

New Policy on Friends, Friendship and Company

I've been writing a long, long piece of work about how nearly all speech that people take part in is pointless, but also harming as it involves self-building.

People take consciousness and associate ity with the body it's currently operating within, then discriminate the human species into all the groups possible: nationality, race, gender, political persuasion etc. and then argue about which group is best -- or to be more specifric, state and/or imply that all the groups they belong to are best -- all on the assumption that there's something to be gained in the world other than the moment.

People who refuse to take part are assigned to groups anyway, and mutely playing stand-in parts, their silence is assumed to be the acceptence of a group's dereat.

And the whole mess is just a sprawling net of self-building. The self, contrary to most western thinking, is acrually the cause of all suffering.

Therefore, I give up.

I don't belong to any group, place or person. I'm just a lost consciousness using senses here in a moment, seeking Nirvanah.

Societies generally an illusion, there's nothing to be gained. My answer to almost every question is, 'I don't know' because ... I don't know. It's nice, because although I don't know many things; I know it's nice not knowing.

When I speak, I'll try and follow the Buddha's criteria of right speect. I shall endeavor that everything I say is:

• True
• Useful/beneficial
• Kind/non-harming

Summery

There is no self.

All groups are pointless mental constructs.

All I say tries to be true, beneficial and kind.

If you meet me and are not the same -- please don't even bother, as my silence might be mistaken s your victory -- and your growing self causes your increasing suffering and overflowing selfingwords. I (really) don't like seeing your suffering.

Overwhelmed

I just sat down to do it all, the updating and stringing together. I can't believe it's got as complicated as all this. Everything's in pieces. It's too much work, for both me and the CPU. I'll have another go tomorrow when I'm fresher.

One quick point. I notice some previous entries are all disjointed, i.e. line-breaks in the middle of sentences; this is when I couldn't get in the account and mailed in entries. The software inserted the breaks in error.

Ugh, mess, mess, mess.

Diary Mess

Just took the Stamford test at Ucas to see what course I want to do.

Still trying to get the energy up to sort out the diary mess, or the mess that the diary has become.

Here are your results John Simon Lipton .

Social Studies/Science Psychology
Communication International Studies
Media/Radio/TV/Film General Medical
Philosophy & Theology



Social Studies/Science


Anthropology Applied Social Science
Applied Social Studies Applied Social Work
Applied Sociology Behaviour
Care Community Studies
Counselling Criminology
Cultural Studies Early Childhood Studies
Environmental Science Gender Studies
Health Studies Psychology
Psychosocial Public Policy
Public Services Research
Social Social Anthropology
Social Care Social Policy
Social Science Social Studies
Social Welfare Social Work
Society Sociology

Psychology


Applied Psychology Behavioural Science
Clinical Psychology Cognitive Science
Forensic Psychology Health Psychology
Human Psychology Philosophy
Physiology Psychological Science
Psychological Studies Psychology
Psychosocial Studies Social Psychology
Communication


Communication Studies Communications
Journalism Language
Library Studies Media Technology
Publishing Television
Writing


International Studies


Asian Asian Studies
Chinese European Business Management
European Politics European Studies
Hindi Intercultural
International International Business Management
International Finance International Politics
International Relations International Studies
Latin American Studies Middle Eastern Studies
Peace Studies War Studies


Media/Radio/TV/Film


Audio Technology Digital Systems
Directing Film
Film Production Film Studies
Media Media Production
Media Studies Media Technology
Multimedia Public Relations
Radio Production Television
Television Studies Theatre Design
Video Video Technology



General Medical


Aromatherapy Beauty Therapy
Child Care Child Nursing
Chiropractic Clinical
Combined Science Community Nursing
Complementary Medicine Dental Technology
Dentistry Environmental Health
Geratology Healing
Health Health Management
Health Science Health Studies
Health care Health promotion
Herbal Medicine Homeopathic
Human Learning Difficulties
Medical Genetics Medical Science
Medical biochemistry Medicinal Chemistry
Medicine Mental Health
Midwifery Nursing
Occupational Therapy Optometry
Orthotics Osteopathy
Paramedical Studies Physiotherapy
Podiatry Prosthetics
Public Health Radiography
Registration School Nursing
Therapy



Philosophy & Theology

Comparative Religious Divinity
History Pastoral Studies
Philosophy Physiology
Politics Psychology
Religious Religious Studies
Theology

I don't believe it

You're WRONG!

Because I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I'm just one more person who started a blog with enthusiasm and good intention and then forgot all about it.

Nope.

I did the trip as planned, am still DOING the trip as planned. I went to Hong Kong for a few days but didn't get a chance to log on.

90 days in China, Blogger censored, couldn't log in.

90 days in Vietnam, Blogger censored, couldn't log in.

Been in Cambodia about ten days now, and just seen the blog for the first time in six months! I've been typing the diary and taking pictures the whole time. It's a mess though as I ran out of webspace. Often I've had various connection problems so I've stored a bit here and a bit there, spread between various mail accounts.

Lots has happened and everything has changed. I suppose I'll have to look it all out and try and publish it in order. Don't know when though.

I'm fine and happy, I'll say that much, fine and happy for now.

In Siam Reap.

Ongoing...

This is getting worse

I was in the middle of uploading the diary up to my birthday at the website, and just reached the upload limit. But I've decided I'll finish this today... I hope.

Blind Retrospective

Tuesday 26th June 2007

Nha Trang, Vietnam

At last. Blogger, as well as all my web sites have been inaccessible since I left Hong Kong, and there, I only got a free ten minutes on the computer.

And now all this time later, I'm finally here, able to get into blogger, but not to view my page... so I have to just post the html and hope it looks OK if anyone can see it. I'm trying to update as far as my birthday. Sorry if this isn't perfect, but I'm stringing it together from various mail accounts where I saved the typing as I went, and I can't see the results. Let's try anyway. Here goes...

---

Date: ?Around 28th March 2007, it's a Thursday anyhow

Blenz Coffee, Shaiman Island, Guangzhou, China -- about two in the afternoon.

Well, I'm here.

It's very complicated and I'm not sure how to relate it all. Overall, all said and done, I LOVE IT.

Currently I'm in this Canadian coffee chain, on the Island. It's in an old wooden teak kind of building, quite nice, and I'm

kind of trapped, with nothing else to do, but to say hello to dear, dear diary. How I came to be here, is... as I said,

complicated. When did I last write, what was I doing. I think perhaps I had time in the Covent Garden cybercafe. I'll pick up

from there to explain to how I came to be sitting here with not much else to do.

It was nice being back in Palmers. I was in the new 17 bed dorm, but it's actually really tasteful. John Freeman the manager

was there. I tried to buy washing powder but he wouldn't take any money, plus I'm on first name basis with all the staff. I

started getting worried in case I ended up missing all that.

Tuesday was the last day. I went and signed off unemployment, which was just a matter of signing my UB40. Then I went on to

Kennsington Gardens.

It was cold and windy, but I went and sat on the bench nearest the flowerbed by the children's playground. I was there to

scatter Mother's ashes of course. I had a quiet reflection, and then walked around so there would be a view of both the

palace and the round pond.

It was nighttime by the time I ... got to Covent Garden, and so probably wrote about this already.

Anyway, onto leaving. I woke pretty early and put my bags in a locker downstairs, then went and actually ate the breakfast

I'd looked at so often in Whetherspoon, and it was quite as good as I imagined. Arriving in London, when I took my library

books back to Victoria, they'd told me that there was one missing, and I realised that I'd taken it back to Northampton

library by mistake. I tried to phone them but couldn't get through.

I phoned the bus company to make my ticket later, but the woman thought I should check in an hour early just in case. I was

irritated at the time, but as it turned out, that was really good advice. By the time I went back to get my bag I was

harried. I ran to the underground and got to Victoria and was basically straight onto the coach.

We got to Gatwick an hour and a half later. I got through to the library. There's a woman who works there who wears hearing

aids and has a very distinctive voice. I spoke to her. I'd seen her in Yates once also. Anyway, she said that she'd go and

look for it.

When I got off the coach, I sat and had a drink, then realised that I was at the exact place where I'd come for the interview

when I was trying to get on the travel course.

I went in, an hour early, and they were already checking people in, so I had to kneel down by a bin and repack all my stuff,

then checked in. The woman asked if I was a Hong Kong resident and I showed my onward ticket, but I got the feeling that she

would have let me on anyway, and so I was all done. I bought a sandwich and sat outside, then went in to look for a coffee.

And then...

Can you believe it, I GOT STOPPED BY THE POLICE, third time. Is there no end to this? He looked at the ID, did a radio check.

I tried to keep it friendly as there was no way I was going to miss this flight. This guy had a machine gun hanging off his

clothes. At least I can damn well get out now.

I went upstairs and had a chocolate egg and a coffee, yep, enjoying food already. Then I went down to check in. The queue

went right round the airport but the adrenalin kept me going. It was about forty five minutes until we got to the screening

machines.

There was a heated atmosphere inside. One guy asked a member of staff if it was a staffing problem that was causing this. But

the guy he asked was just itching for a fight and started shouting at him.

I had to put my shoes through, braces, everything, but then we were done. I realised how late it was and started chasing

after a Cantonese family and phoned A. I was still speaking to her as I was checking in. The library had found the book and

will send it onto Victoria.

On the plane, some guy was in my seat. I moved him to the window. Then this black guy turned up and he had the window seat,

so he had to move again. A Dutch woman joined us. She was a student of economics, and he was a doctor. They really got on and

had a good talk about London.

The Asian boy behind me was autistic and had occasional tantrums when he kicked the seat and screamed all night.

The flight was fine. I watched Monsters Inc. I took no valium at all. I slept for about ten minutes. Overall, I actually

enjoyed it!

We touched down and I was impressed with the whole experience.

Apart from the queues, immigration was easy and I got a six month visa. I walked through, changed just five pounds for the

bus, and went outside and had a sit down, in Hong Kong!

It was strange, and I was sentimental about being there so long ago. I got the bus and got off at Mong Kok and was lost. I

had a photocopied map but eventually found the street, but couldn't find the hostel. I was hot and tired and ended up phoning

them. I actually got in about six pm. The guy was a bit short with me, and had a beckoning cat on his TV. He took me up the

the thirteenth floor and checked me in there in a different guest house.

I went out and walked down to the ferry pier. I had rice in the same place from the same man as all that time ago. It was

opposite the pub Ned Kellys last stand, the name sake of which I saw with G. in Australia. I also noticed that it's directly

opposite a place called Osaka restaurant. Of course, during that stupid trip with G. I could have been with her, but when in

Hong Kong originally that had no significance for me, as I hadn't met her yet.

I sat by the kcr clock, and remembered celebrating the start of 1994 there, that auspicious year (if you choose to look at it

that way), then went to bed at 'home'.

Next day, the owner came and seemed really suspicious of me. I went out and ended up with bread and cheese in Kowloon park.

It was overcast and depressing and I felt really alone and went on a downer. It lasted for a couple of days. I basically

wandered about feeling bad, but by the third day I started LOVING it. It was a great routine of eating by kcr, sleeping in

the afternoon as I've been so tired since I arrived, then going back to the kcr clock and looking at the Island by night.

I collected my ticket to China easy, and also got there. I got off at Guangzhou East and had a break. We were late and I sat

outside, then went down and worked out the metro. I got lost again once there and a hotel porter gave me directions, and I

ended up in a room with no window but a huge muriel of Guilin, my next destination. Great.

Next day I extended my stay, came to Shaiman Island. I've enjoyed it from the start, apart from a few hassles. Today, I'm

here, in this cafe, with free Internet but no connection, so I'm typing this to USB for later upload, if I can find a

computer that will take it.

There's more than this, of course, but this is a fair update for now. I'm happy and in one piece, and I can't ask for more

than that! If I think of anything I've missed, I'll add it next update.

Thursday 5th April 2007

Blenz Coffee House, Shaiman Island, Guangzhou, China. 6:17pm.

Wow, a week since I¡¡wrote, already.

I meant to have left by now... but I kind of settled into a routine. Every day I get up, go to the supermarket, walk on to

the very cool computer (but no printer). Work for three hours, typing up the sociology book, then onto Shaiman Island. I eat,

usually tea eggs, cheese sandwiches, crisps, and a tin of coffee. Then I come to Blenz to make Religious Studies mind maps.

Then I go home and make the same food but with noodles, and watch TV.

I managed to get a SIM. I went to China mobile, and they gave me one but the phone wouldn't take it. I ended up asking about

it on the message boards, and it turns out I'd got the wrong unlocking instructions from Virgin. I unlocked it yesterday,

then went and got the sim. About ten pounds... but I think two pounds of credit, and it's only to receive calls.

I got an IP card, which is to make foreign calls, but it's all in Chinese. I managed to work it out yesterday, and today

phoned Barclaycard to try and get myself reinsured. That's a real mess, their insurance, and their website at the minute.

I've had some really good times. There was a hot, sunny period and I used to sit outside on the verandah and got stuck into

the religious studies book. I got stuck into the study generally. Most of the Tv I get in the evening is from Hong Kong. They

have an open university and exams based on the British. I realised I might be able to do the exams there.

It's been cold and rainy over the past few days. It put me on a bit of a downer to be honest. I knew, and I think I

mentioned it, that there would be days like this. Well, periods like this. I started to really enjoy the study. It's just the

sameness perhaps, or the cold? I've had one conversation since I came. In the bank, an Aussie complained about all the

paperwork to change a little money, so I asked about his sim card. It only lasted a minute or so and wasn't really a

conversation. OK, so I never really had conversations before leaving, and I never did in life. It's just, alone isn't it? I

think that's the whole thing. We all go out in life hoping we'll be OK and make contact, and even if you do, the whole thing

is very tenuous.

I woke up the other day, and remember waking up with the memory 'IN ABOUT FIVE WEEKS'. I'd only been asleep a few hours and I

got paranoid, as usual, about what that could mean. I fell asleep a while later and, wonderfully, had a dream that let me

know that it's wasn't about my health and that I should be OK for a while. THANK YOU FOR THAT! I'll write it up later.

The simplicity is nice. I'm still sober. I leave the room each morning, immaculate, showered, everything in bags. I only have

the minimum of stuff that I need. I've been downloading podcasts for tonight, oh, but it's so slow.

There's a relief to admitting that there's something wrong with me, in a way. Perhaps I'm at that age? I think when you're

younger you hold on and hope you're going to become something more, but you get to the point that you say, just, this is me,

warts and all. I traipse about alone all day, and the funny thing is that I notice my daydreams are about telling imaginary

people that I don't want to talk to them or know anyone, and it's also true. When I finally find company, I usually don't

want to continue being with a person... except that once, Oh God, no, not today.

I have a rough idea to go on Sunday. I think this will be nice. It will mean I was here exactly one week. Mission

accomplished definitely. I settled in here definitely. Last time I was here, thirteen years ago, it was awful. The whole

place was a massive rubbish dump. I couldn't get a hotel and ended up sleeping out on the floor. Someone robbed me while I

was there.

This time it was much better. The metro is open so I can get about now. A journey is about 20p, and it's so clean. The

streets everywhere are clean also. All the overcharging that went on a decade ago is over now, at least here. Yes, I get

glum, because that's just me, but it was a good intro definitely. I get home each evening, usually I've done a load of

walking and study, and I just get my feet up with a cup of tea and the tv on. I think it's perhaps as much home as I'll ever

have.

Oh, that's a thing I was going to mention. The part of the sociology course I'm doing now is depressing. It's about family,

how it's role is socialization (yes, all spelt Z now) and the different types of family and household arrangements that

people have in the present. Looking at things like that, I wonder. I mean, I can't imagine living with someone. The mental

picture can't come into my head. How can you ever feel relaxed with someone else in the room. But, how can you ever stop

talking to dreams with no one else in the room. Oh God, well, at least I don't walk round the streets muttering to myself

just yet.

I tried to phone A. yesterday but there was no reply. It took me all this time to work out how the phonecard worked. I'll do

it again later when I get back, well, when I leave here.

I keep on thinking of things I DON'T miss, which is pretty much everything. Being searched by the police all the time is one

thing. Pushing a trolley round Sainsburys in Finchley looking for diet food, a days worth for less than three pounds. The

filthy, dangerous underground. Oh thank Buddha that I got away. The thought of grimy London buses. I'd rather stay here

forever than to go back for even five minutes. Yeah, I'm lucky, and the plan, now I'm away, seems reasonably sensible.

Whether I end up doing the first batch of exams here in Hong Kong or go back. I don't know. Perhaps both? I'd like to do the

research now, but a lot of sites are banned in China, so I can't really get anything like that done.

Oooohhhhh, I'll tell you the bestychops news! THREE SALES ON LULU SINCE I LEFT. Yep. Dunno why now, but it's a fiver in

residual earnings. Two downloads of 'The Curse and Miracle', and a picture: 'Dull Flowers in Church', which are some I

photographed in the church before I went to the Zen centre. It's not much of a picture to be honest... but someone paid hard

cash for it. What a great boost!

I'm back to the old days now, of having to use download software, and even then, waiting ages for just a little download. I

think I'll have a go and see how it is tomorrow in the main cybercafe; it's likely much slower on the land. There's nothing

on, but tomorrow, it's 'the ten commandments', which is what I've been actually studying with the rs course; now what's the

chance of this happening.

There's only a minute to go now on the download I'm waiting for. Everything seems harried. I have a million books to go

through, scattered over my usb, plus I have to write non-fiction and get all my notes together for that. Tie the whole thing

together into a single website. Find places to submit new writing, once I even know the format, find places to sit the exam.

The goal, starting from nowhere (and it's a secret, so I'm trusting you not to tell anyone) is to be a graduate at 40. I've

four years, just over, if I can play it right -- I'll get my certificate just as the money runs out.

Did I say that A. gave me a grand as a gift before leaving. You only do that if you give a damn about someone.

Download done. Going home!

Date: Friday 13th April 2007

Unnamed Cybercafe, Pantao Road, Yangshou, China, 6-38pm

I got ever so sentimental leaving Guangzhou... and why not? It was the first place I was really settled. I got in a really

good routine. It was no where as bad as I thought it would be. I kind of got to know a few locals to nod at.

I'd be happy back there now to be honest.

It's frustrating because all my websites are blocked in China, so I don't know how to upload this... but at least I can type

to the usb while I'm waiting for my download I suppose.

So, I was there... and when it was time to check out, I left the room, and it all went so smoothly.

Oh, just remembered. The night before, I lost my wallet. I had to change money leaving the island, to use the metro. I was

almost home when I realised that I didn't have any cash with me. I went all the way back, but the guy didn't speak English. A

local called me back to help translate, which was nice, but it was gone. No real damage done though. I had just moved the

credit cards to my money belt, and so there was only a hundred yuan in there.

Anyway, next day, they stored my bags for me. I happened to find a map in reception of the place I was going to, Flowers in

Guilin. So I didn't need the computer. I got some cakes (getting fat now), and went to the Island. On the bridge over,

there's a girl there, usually monday to wedneday. She looks about ten. She has something in Chinese, quite intricate, in

front of her, and she kneels and rocks before it, and never ever ever stops (honest).

I had my little sit down by the water, really wishing I could stay. I went to Blenz for a bit. I sat there until a loud

American with a woman on a tandem came and spoke loudly.

I wanted to speak about the kinds of people you get on the Island, namely the Americans there. Apparently, if an American

wants to adopt a Chinese baby there, then there's an American embassy there and it takes about a month. So that's what they

all do. The shops rent out strollers and these fat Americans walk about with Chinese babies and toddlers.

It really used to wind me up though. Most of them were too old, and their government obviously wouldn't have allowed them to

have a baby or child. It's scandelous that the Chinese allow it really. They sit in restaurants complaining about the food

and (honestly) have the kids on their laps talking about the steaks and pork chops they'll have when they get home.

But they're the worst kind of people. They looked at me when I walked in places with utter disgust and suspicion on their

faces, i.e. they're aaaallll deeeeppp south honey, and anyone my colour is one of the people who attacked the twin towers.

I'm not white, fat (yet) and I haven't swapped a baby for a changeling, so I'm a definite object of suspicion. Vile. Vile.

Vile. But they're (even worse) all on a religious mission. They get one kid, and all sit around talking about praying and

J.C. and rubbish, and then come out and get another one. They think they're saving kids from 'religious darkness'.

I wrote something in my notebook called Shaiman Reflections. I had a good think, because actually it was Easter Sunday. I

remember two years ago in Cochin, with Binnie and co. I thought to myself, that this, alone on Shaiman, was definitely better

somehow. I don't know how. It just, seems right to be there.

Another thing I realised, or noticed, was 'footcock'. No. It's a game. Basically there's a big shuttlecock and the Chinese

all go down to under a bridge and play it without racke6³O¦Û?êP`Æ~¾”Ó÷. .‡P9L{ÖF¼Ð-ªyÚ›X>ïÝʧoóÚ²‚?jŠZ.?ú´?6?
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Same cybercafe, Sunday 15th April 2007

Well I was saying something really interesting there, a deep social observation, but it didn't turn out right. I'm here

during my fourth hour at this computer, which actually works.

Anyway, I've done as much as I can work wise, for now, or I'll go mad.

I, in case I can't find a way to retrieve the info, was talking about 'footcock', and basically making the observation that

people play in groups which are very mixed, both genders, all ages. It certainly seems that you don't get the social

division. I mean, a basic game of kicking something between people just wouldn't appeal to people in the west anyway; it

doesn't result in being stoned, having sex or making you richer. But if they did do something like that, then they would

split off the genders and generally play in same age groups. There is a better kind of unity here I think. There are millions

of female taxi drivers in Guilin. It's just b etter.

So anyway, I left the Island. I went back and got my bag, and then braved the crowds at the station. This particular trip was

one I'd been dreading ever since I decided to come, though in actuality, it was very easy. The station was as horrible as it

ever was, but I worked out that the displayed numbers were actually waiting room numbers, and you can just... sit there. When

the train was called, I followed everyone on, found my berth and just lay there. I bought some water, had enough food, and it

was basically effortless. I had a long bout of sleeplessness, but really, considering the amount of worry that this trip had

given me, it was very easy when I came to do it.

The friendly guard came to wake me up about forty minutes before we arrived. I already had directions, so I walked forward,

but then wasn't sure which alley to go up. I sat along the main street and thought about it. Then I walked around a lot. I

noticed I was losing my temper by the time I found it. But I went up and a friendly woman showed me a tiny room with air con,

a hard bed and nothing else. This was after we couldn't open the door to my designated room.

I fell asleep for about an hour and a half. I woke up and went to the toilet, then couldn't open the door again. The woman

came with me but also couldn't open it.

Monday 16th April 2007

Same place, twenty to six at night

She said wait for half an hour and I can have another room which will be nicer. I waited, and then was shown to the new roon,

which didn't have a window, but did have a kettle. So I stayed there for three nights. I'd paid for two, and decided to make

it a week, but it was booked, then it wasn't, Oh God, it was a mess, the way it was run I mean.

Not so much happened there. I again got into a good routine. There's a really nice supermarket, so I could make decent food,

and I found the cybercafe. There are a couple of lakes to sit and eat food by, I found a bakery that made bread with no sugar

in.

I decided to get my laundry done. It was supposed to be fifteen, but the irritating woman didn't write the money in the book,

plus it was the same again for drying, so perhaps she was keeping it... or perhaps I'm too suspicious? Anyway, I went down an

hour later and she said another hour, plus there were some ciggerretes in my pocket, but she'd taken them out. She was

constantly giggling, not particularly about this as I could hear her from my room.

Anyway, then I went to rest, came back and there was just gunk everywhere, she wouldn't stop laughing, I had to carry it up

dripping wet to the rooftop. But this same woman was just making up the prices whenever I wanted anything.

But I did get quite a bit done and they stored my luggage for free. The sitting area was nice, and I didn't have to be alone

the whole night.

I'd been told the room was full, so and although I'd found the Internet, the connection wasn't good enough to make a booking,

so I had to leave for Yangshou with no booking, just the address of where I wanted to stay. I went down to check out and the

woman, a different one who's really friendly, said that she'd had a cancellation and I could stay. This really put me in a

dilema because I'd already packed, but then again, I wasn't looking forward to going there without a booking. Then, believe

this or not, she said why don't the two of us go to Yangshou together and stay in this... something place, I didn't catch the

name. I said no thanks and left.

I got to Yangshou and walked around looking for the place. I didn't like the first impression, but perhaps that's because I

didn't have a booking? I went in Backstreet Youth Hostel, but there was only a dorm, so I said I'd keep looking and come

back. I did go back when I couldn't find the one I wanted, Sweet, so I went back.

I met this Australian woman.

Thursday 26th April 2007

Love cybercafe, Yangshou, China. 1pm.

Anyway, to continue, I met this Chinese women. She was with her husband and son who were booking a tour. She came over and

just said hello, asked if I spoke English, and then we chatted for about five minutes. She was Chinese race Australian. It

was nice. It was the only conversation I've had since I left.

They had to go, and when I said to the woman that I would take the dorm, there was suddenly a single room. I paid straight

up, and it was very pleasent. It had a window with a view of some roofs etc. I stayed there two days and really liked it. I

left after that because, I don't know, mainly because I'd already decided on Sweet and so thought I would carry on there. The

owner of Backstreet was really nice though, and I've passed her since and it was embarrassing because I'd checked out.

So I went to Sweet, the woman had gone to meet me at the bus stop, I'd missed her email, so she came back and I was in a bad

mood, though I can't remember why. She was making a real effort to be friendly. She turned that off as soon as I'd checked

in, essentially, which is fine as I don't need the chittychatty. The room was nice. The sheets were damp for a while but then

they changed them.

And I settled in Yangshou. I used to go and eat in a place called Hard Seat, but the staff had the bad habit of sneering at

guests, so I settled into going to Minority Cafe, run by... minorities, a family that is. I go there twice a day. I wake, eat

in Minority, work on sociology studies which I photogrpahed (the book) in Victoria library, then I shop, back to minority,

home to listen to podcasts, then bed. Oh, I have afternoon snacks down by the river.

The 'golden week' is coming up, meaning I have to leave, I was told today that it's booked Sunday. So, I've asked at

Minority, and he can do an attached room for 100 if eight days in advance. So, I'm off to the atm, but still thinking about

it I guess. I'll ask a couple of other places and if nothing better, I'll go and speak to him. It's expensive, but if not

then it'll be hanging over my head.

Next Day

Dreams Retrospective

Of April 3rd...

I was in Guangzhou and had only been travelling a while. This isn't the dream, it's part of the setting of where the dream

occoured. When I first left England, I had a two or three week period where I was incredibly tired in the afternoons, so

lethargic, that I used to have to come back and have a sleep. So I came back and only slept for a while, then had the dream.

I don't recall any details, except that, in the dream, I was being informed about something that was going to happen 'in

about five weeks time', which will be around the time of my birthday. There was no indication as to whether this would be a

positive or negative event, but as usual, I interpreted it straight away as negative, and wondered if I'd die around then.

But as I lie there, I thought to myself, 'Why do I always interpret these things as negative?'.

Then I went back to sleep worrying generally about my health. Straight away, I had the following dream:

I was with Junko and she dropped something into a nearby pool and I retrieved it for her -- exagerating the situation

pretending it was full of danger as a joke.

I was with some Australian backpacker in a hostel. He had applied for some kind of a visa and it had been requested that he

provide a medical certificate. He phoned his father, who arravnged for him to see someone. His "Dad said he'd phone around

and make some 'conservative calls' to 'get the ball rolling', and I had this inclination to tell his father that the whole

thing was routine and not to worry.

Then I was at A's house. Two packages arrived containing two lenses for a camera I had. One was a standard prime lenjs, and

one was a long zoom.

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Next Day, Saturday 28th April 2007

Happened again.

---

Back at Last, in VIETNAM

I'M BACK.

Oh my God. I had no idea. Of course it's obvious, of course I should have known... that all blogging sites are censored in China, that I wouldn't be able to log in... What was I thinking!

Anyway, fear not. I still wrote it, and stored posts around various mail accounts and must string them together and post them... when I finally find a computer that accepts my usb key and has a decent connection.

But, I'm fine. China was fun. I've made it to Vietnam, and will update when I can.

Going Now...

Wednesday 21st March 2007

Cybercafe, Finchley Road, London.

Harried, harried, harried.

Not really time to write, I'm running off to the airport. I'll update, dharma willing, when I get to... HONG KONG.

I'll have to update retrospectively. So much to write. I hope it all goes OK. Bit scared. Wish me luck.

Getting Nearer; Getting Nervous

The plans going OK. My Aunt has been informed of my departure. I managed to put some savings into a European Mutual Fund, moments before the markets started crashing. I've aquired a few bits I'll need. I bought a quality Victorinox Penknife, a rain poncho, I used my supermarket loyalty points for a maglite torch, and nearly have enough for a new bag. Funny as I was in the supermarket yesterday thinking about a new bag, and the one I was wearing broke as I walked along. I also got a very cheap shirt and tie, to go over borders and in case the chance of any NGO work comes up. I'm both nervous and excited. The flight is ten hours, just over, and I'm going to take some pictures I need to colour, some mp3's. Perhaps ten small snack treats so I can pace them hourly.

The airline said I have to buy an onward ticket from Hong Kong before I can board. I've tried to buy a boat to Maccau four times now but the site doesn't work, so this is becoming a concern.

I'm in a dilema whether to keep my old but working camera or get a new one. I've been using the one I have to copy lots of study books to save me carrying them, so it gets a lot of wear and tear.

I bought 200 American dollars, all small bills, new and crispy, for tips and bribes.

Oooohhhhh, money's a worry though. Mixed feelings generally at this stage. Is it all going to work out. It's a long-shot overall plan.

'ere we go...

Oh God, I don't know what came over me.

I did it!

I just bought a ticket to Hong Kong!

Well, what did I do today? I went and took my library book back, then couldn't decide. I'd already looked into the cinema, but it's too expensive, seven pounds in a normal one but there's nothing on at Prince Charles. So I bussed to Swiss Cottage and had a coffee in Whetherspoon. I looked at the menu at the Australian pub for a birthday meal treat (which I'd already decided to do (it's actually my friend's birthday but I celebrate it as though it's mine)) but that was really expensive too. So I had a slimfast bar, then some chips. Then I went down and made my first investment, a Europe fund, I ordered 500 pounds of mutual fund (M&G) my first stock market investment. Funny as I remember this day last year, making my first gold investment.

It's not really impulsive (buying the ticket), I've been copying guidebooks and looking at calenders for ages now. So, I decided March 21st and BOOKED IT. I leave about eight at night, so I'll have to leave London early, maybe twoish or something. My heads spinning, all over the place. I'll have to come to London in a week or so, to get some things done, plus I need plus a visa. A few more things to find out. Pack stuff. Buy last things. I'd better get on and buy the bus tickets then. Oh God, can you believe it?

But last night I lie there and it kind of sunk in that I'm spending my own finite money from herein. There's no way I'll waste it in England; what's going to happen here? Anyway, I'll talk another time. I'd better start doing stuff.

Well before I even start the trip, or state the objectives, I'm having to deal with cold feet.

>

Yes, I'm having second thoughts. Not really second thoughts, more cold feet. It's such a big deal. I keep telling myself it isn't; I can easily afford to come back. But really, it is a big deal. But I know deep down there's nothing to stay for. I have no home here, I don't know anyone, I have no work history. But I do have a plan once I get there. It might all be a long-shot, but it's in a place where the money will generally last longer and that gives me more time to enact that plan, and there is more opportunity generally along the way. I tried to write a dialectic with myself about my doubts, to get it straight in my mind.

Chinese New Year Dialogue

A dialogue between the wise part of myself and the mundane part of myself, concerning getting cold feet about buying the plane ticket for the first leg of my planned trip

wm= wise me

mm= mundane me

wm -- - What’s wrong (this time)?

mm -- - I’m full of doubts, second thoughts about the trip. What if I hate it? I don’t know anyone there, and previously when travelling, I’ve gone a whole year without conversations. What if I’m ill of my bladder can’t take the long trips, or even being in developing cities without any toilet facilities, so I’m basically trapped in a hotel.
What will I do all night, and who will I talk to?

wm -- - Hello? Hello? You’ve been functionally homeless for well over a year in London. Who do you speak to? When was your last real conversation, and I mean -real - one, not some imagined one in your head? When was your last two way conversation that made you feel understood and happy?

mm -- - When I was at the Zen temple at the meditation weekend eight months ago.

wm -- - Right, and there’s a lot more chance that you’ll get out and join something abroad isn’t there?

mm -- - What if my last relative dies while I’m away?

wm -- - But she’d die if you were here, perhaps in front of you, which is even worse.

mm -- - What if I really like it and don’t want to go back?

wm -- - Stay an extra year and study more. By passing exams, there’s more chance that you could stay away legitimately, which has always been your long-term goal anyway.

mm -- - What about the loneliness. Like previous trips where I haven’t spoken to anyone for more than a year ? What if it’s more expensive than I thought and I’m just spending away my inheritance and end up with nothing and starving?
I only have one relative left. What if she dies? How will I cope alone? Where am I going to live in the long-term? How will I belong anywhere?

wm -- - OK. So if you stay here... what will you do?

mm -- - ... study, write...

wm -- - pretty much what you’ll do there?

mm -- - But what about the cost, the flight, insurance

wm -- - You know full well that even with the flight, visa and insurance cost, you’ll spend less there than if you were here. Plus, when you receive the inheritance cheque, all unemployment payments stop...
So where would you rather spend your own money? Here or somewhere nice? Even if you go there and travel from place to place completely alone in the world doing your work, you'd still be doing the same here.

mm -- - What if my and my bladder can’t take the travel - or if I get sick?

wm -- - if the worse comes to the worse, you can fly. Abroad, you’ll have health insurance. here, you’ve been homeless for more than a year and couldn’t even get to see a dentist
Plus, you can see alternative practitioners abroad, which you couldn’t even afford here.
You can use trains almost all of the way - where there’s a long let, limit the distances you travel per day, then take minimal fluid.
What opportunity do you ever have in this country. You remember the dream I sent you don’t you?
Remember, whatever happens, you’ll be spending your own money somewhere. Try and be somewhere challenging, with as much opportunity as possible, with as many goals as possible, casting as much bread on the water as you can. That isn’t here, but there, in Asia.

Just to make things a bit clearer

Planned trip now, and vague intentions from now until 2009

Go to Hong Kong, train to Yangshou. Study, try and volunteer at an NGO, see alternative practitioners for my health and write.

Around May/June, still studying, writing, looking for volunteering opportunities etc. travel to Hanoi, down to a beach, onto Saigon, then over to Phom Pen and Bangkok. Try and ordane in a monastery for a time. If I haven't by then, look for one and try.

From Thailand, submit work to the publishers and start phoning and sending emails to the UK Colleges to try and get on exams.

Around January 08, go to Laos, then China and back to Hong Kong. Submit CV to UK Companies for a job. Return around March, and sit the exams in May/June.

Around May, go to Switzerland and sign papers at Dignatis, to authorize my euthanasia (should I ever need it (after seeing my Mother die in the UK state health service)).

Leave UK around August 2008 for Moscow, TransSiberian to the end of the line. Boat to Korea and Japan, to cure my life-long obsession with being in these countries. Then, depending on what's happened, either go somewhere cheap and study for more exams, accept a paying job, try and work for board and food in Asia at an NGO, aim for undergraduate study, ordane permanently in a monastery or just go with some other opportunity that has come up by then.

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OK, it's all very tentative, is easily changed, is fate willing of course. It could even be that I don't make the first hurdle. This is just what I'm planning at the moment.

So, in the shorter term, my objectives for this trip this year, if I can get away are:

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  Have a long Asian trip. Visit three/four countries I haven't been to before.
  


• 
  Study for and obtain at least two A/AS Levels, four is better.
  


• 
  Volunteer for an NGO and get some work experience.
  


• 
  Try alternative medicine for my health issues.
  


• 
  Try and practice healing on other people in some way, and see if that's a direction I'd like to go in.
  


• 
  Set up the website to offer my publishing expertise in some way.
  


• 
  Ordane in a monastery for a period.
  


• 
  Write, submit and publish the following finished pieces of work to publishers:
  
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  A non-fiction spirituality book
  


• 
  An acedemic book about study
  


• 
  A travel book
  




• 
  Try and submit more articles/make more publishing contacts.