Starting Chinese Year of the Ox (09)

Date: 25th January 2009
Chinese (Lunar) New year (of the OX)
Australia Day
@ Starbucks, Lotus Shopping Centre, Near the Highway, Nong Khai, North-East Thailand
5.05pm.

Dream

I was somewhere at night, I think it was the centre of Northampton. I passed two of my sister's friends to whom I had been introduced, but I didn't go and say anything to them. I kind of felt guilty about it but realized that I just didn't like their company, so why make the effort? I walked on a few meters to a queue waiting to go over a bridge. In the centre of the bridge there were three of something, I think they were dragons that seemed fairly safe, but they were guarded by two giant stone dogs that had come to life.

I was checking in on a Chinese plane. I was given seat number two, but when I sat there it was right over the driver's shoulder, so I went back and found a hostess to ask if I could move but she didn't understand what I was asking.

Then I sat at some foreign destination. It was an artist's shop that also had an attached restaurant. I looked for a little set of mixed paints but couldn't see them. I sat down at a table to order food. The waitress asked me if I ever go out. I said never but then said that I do. I asked about buying paints, if they had a set of mixed colours in small tubes. They looked, but only had small sets all in the same colour. I thought about asking if there was just a set of primaries, but hadn't seen any myself and so didn't bother.

Interpretation

This dream is about loneliness. I say my sister's friend. They aren't actually people I know in the waking world, but in the dream I did know them somehow and kind of liked one of them on some level – but just like in waking life, I can't be with them, it's conflicting but how I am. Perhaps the bridge is crossing over to something different but I can't get past the demons. Perhaps the pain of previously being a third person (three dragons?). The dragons might represent using spiritual practice to transform myself to something else, but the dogs keep me from them.

Then I was on the plane, seat two. I think being at the very front means being concerned, primarily, with ultimate meanings of live but having no mundane aspect to me. It could also mean, previously, I had the intensity of the time with J. It could well be this as it ended with me passing out on a plane leaving Perth.

At the restaurant, I say that I don't go out, but I do. I do, go out but not as a euphemism for going out and living life connected to people somehow. All my paints are the same colour i.e. my experience and what I do is singular; there is no variety that colours my experience.

---

I seem to have meaningful dreams on Chinese New Year now, perhaps my unconscious has started a tradition?

I think the Chinese celebrated over the weekend, though today is a new moon, and so actually, the New Year starts today, of the Ox.

Here I am, back in Nong Khai. Some bits to report.

I started study of the computing course, M150, that lasts until October this year. There was some worry as I wasn't sure if I'd be able to get access to all the bits that I need to complete it, but not I've made some headway and it all seems doable.

Next, I got my essay back, the social science one I submitted an hour before I left Hanoi. 74%, so I'm back into the 'good pass' realm, up a notch and I'm on course for a 'good overall pass', rather than a clear one. So the study seems in order.

I've been here about a week. I have my long visa, so naturally I'm heading back to Chiang Mai. I don't know why, it's as close to home as I have I suppose, I can use buddies computers to further reduce my possessions, easily submit my essays. I can have lots of places to go to. You know. It will be OK for a time. Of course, there's only a horrible, direct bus, so I'm on the train down to Bangkok tomorrow, and perhaps I can just relax there for a bit I suppose. It's a second class berth, so I must look up how that is, but it's twelve hours, and it can't be worse than the sleeping bus.

The main news, not good, is that the Nikon camera I started using when the Olympus went down in Hue, wasn't actually taking pictures. Of course, the screen is cracked so I didn't know. Insanely, I've got the Olympus working, so I have no pictures of going to Hanoi, or Vientiane. I mean, I didn't really enjoy any of this time or have any significant experience, and it's actually only since Jan 1st, which is three weeks. I had those cameras a long time. I got the Olympus just after I arrived back in England... or was it later, no, it was later, but it owes me nothing. I remember living in Globetrotter in Hammersmith and I had that thing.

I must shop generally, my bags are ripped. the big one is so bad the airline made me sign a disclaimer when I took it on. The shoulder bag is wholly broken so that the flap just hangs down and people keep running up to me thinking I've just been robbed. I could also do with an electric heating element, knife, sun hat, shirt, beaker, night-light, torch, summer trousers, and just those things, I think a computer battery might be handy, or just an extension cable? Expensive time. Baht are up, I think it's 48 to the pound, as opposed to 62 when I started. 29% isn't it? I've economised. I'm in a simple room with the toilet outside. I only drink water when I'm out and have all meals at home. I'll have to have a few snacks somewhere when I leave Nong Khai, I suppose. Basically, I must just get on, you know?

Well, that's it. I have to correct some uni notes, go shopping, there's wifi at home so I can book the accommodation, check what the train will be like, I'm very tired recently, perhaps the change in heat? Yes, so I'll just get on. Must do the magic also. Good, Good really; I'm not complaining.

Date: Wednesday 28th January 2009
Sawadee Guest House, Meechai Road, Nong Khai, North East Thailand.
12.10am Local Time

Dream

Someone gave me some snuss (Swedish lip tobacco).

Interpretation

Possibly my unconscious isn't happy with my current habit of using ordinary smokes as lip tobacco.

---

I really am on a bad run... for quite some time right now.

There are no trains across Thailand, only up and down, which would mean going via Bangkok. The flights which I took last time, are now finished, I would have to fly down and up. Ugh, it's so hard getting information.

Two days ago, on the twenty sixth, I went to get a ticket to Bangkok. Last time I was in Nong Khai I tried to walk to the train station and ended up standing facing a brick wall at the end of a cul-de-sec, looking at the train rails beyond and no way to get to them, but then I found out about the flight.

So this time I decided to train. I got all the info but didn't know how to find the correct fare to get to the station. I could ask at Pantawee, but it really is a snobbish place. I've been to the counter a few times and they talk to white couples behind me, as though I'm not there. The one time a guy spoke to me he acknowledged what I was saying, but screwed his face up in disgust when he couldn't understand me.

Anyway, I could try the guest house owner. I'm not sure if he's well. He speaks very loud, but there's a slight pronunciation, like his lower jaw isn't moving so well. He walks by throwing one leg out very far each stride, and he repeats himself and seems to have trouble following what's going on. Fair enough, if he might have some kind of learning challenge. I asked him the correct price and give him his dues, I did get a right answer.

So, I went looking on the Sunday, Chinese New Year, but there was no one to take me.

Next day I got it... but was overcharged, of course. Got there and sat and thought about it. Looked at my notes. Made a decision. I went to ask. It's a small station and there was only one guy there, he was playing with his phone and didn't look up for the whole transaction. Yes, there was a lower berth for the next day. The price was OK, but when I said I wanted it, he just gave me a ticket from under the counter, rather than printed one out. So I looked at it carefully. It was due to leave the day after the issue Date, male, lower berth, second class, so, I thought, OK, and paid about twenty pounds.

I was ripped off for double price going to Lotus, and sat with a glass of water, the only thing I drink when out since the exchange rate collapsed. I suddenly thought the Dates were wrong, and checked it again, but no, it was OK as it left the day after it was issued.

You know what's coming don't you. I was on line at night, in bed as I am now as there's wifi here, and got confused as the websites wouldn't let me book it for the day I would arrive, and so I checked Google calendar. The train had left that day. I.e. the issue/purchase Date was the day before I bought it, so in other words it was for the same day, though I had asked for tomorrow. I think I was further thrown as Chinese New Year, when I wrap some things up, has a different celebration day to the actual New Moon, which is what I observe.

There was nothing I could do. Next day I went down and had to go to the atm. I tried to ask the owner, but he didn't understand what I was saying, he just drooled and shouted that it had gone (I was actually asking about refund policy). Suddenly my compassion for whatever he faces in life went and, for a moment, I was just plain irritated. I asked for advice on the message boards, but of course, it's my fault. One should always pay extra attention when a person you are dealing with is obviously paying none. Also, a golden rule, is to always be sure of the Date, i.e. todays Date, when you are off to buy a ticket. I was aware, in a way, I knew it was the day after Chinese New Year, which would make it the twenty sixth. I don't know, I just expected to be given a ticket which was issued the day I was buying it. It can't be a scam, because it was technically a ticket for forward Dated travel, at least, I don't think it was a scam. Look, I'm repeating myself, it's driving me mad (not really, I'm multi-tasking).

Anyway, what is going on. Really, travel has been a mess since I started slipping up in Hue. It's just sidetrack after balls up. But even before that, there was a lot of trouble in Nha Trang, hurting my foot, hurting myself generally, all the trouble I had, and then in Saigon, and I didn't settle in Sihanoukville. Basically, I haven't enjoyed the trip since I left Chiang Mai. I'm happy and grateful with life, just the travel hasn't gone well. So, what does that mean?

I think, for example Vietnam, I enjoyed it the first time; not this time. The first time I was doing as I pleased and trying to find out how to do a degree. This time I'm doing a degree and I have deadlines and it puts pressure on me. Now, I have to have wifi on certain days, and I have to stay still and settle for a few days in places that have a place I can concentrate and work, and Vietnam has few of those.

I think also the astrology might be bad. I have positive aspects, but Pluto is sextiling Neptune, which is causing all the misunderstandings. Also, Pluto tends to strip out all the things which aren't working in life. I think constantly moving isn't working as it once did. But also, when it was hard in Vietnam perhaps I idolized Thailand as this great place where it is all civilized and I can come back and work. And it is good, but I was thinking it is really as close as I have to home.

But strip out the dross and look at the situation, it's hard travel, the locals rip you off and I really only loved Chiang Mai. You can't say you've found the place you want to be if it is just one city... and I had my rough moments there. My God, is it just TV I miss!

Does travel still work for me? Is that what Pluto wants me to look at. I'm open to look at anything. But, what is the alternative. I can't afford England; I'm certainly not happy there and wouldn't be able to afford the degree. I guess, even at my age, I'm still looking around for where I belong, and perhaps considering that it's nowhere? Perhaps I should just be happy like this. I don't know, but that's the case for now.

Oh, I was the woman from Happy Internet in Pantawee today. She helped me get my sim last year. She was, back then, online flirting with this guy from Birmingham and was using me to make him jealous. Well, he's here now, running a pizza van outside her place. She pretended not to see me, which is fine, but nice to see her again. She looks really well.

I got bitten by a dog again today. I was out on the main road towards the highway and it was sleeping beneath a food stall. I had passed it but it suddenly woke up and I didn't see it until it was sinking its teeth into me.

I've checked the astrology. Most of the transits are going on until the end of the month. Perhaps I should hang around? I thought of busing across central Thailand. I can make it in three trips. I went today but the guy wanted three fifty and no ticket, which I think might be wrong as the first leg is Kong Kaen, just three hours away. There was a couple there with tickets for three fifty and I think perhaps to Bangkok, but they were Italian and didn't speak English. It's so hard to find independent, truthful advice. Just to get things clear in my mind, let me list my options:

1. Go slowly, from here to Udon thani one hour, two hours to Kong Kaen, six hours to Phitsanulok, another six to Chiang Mai. Disadvantage, in Udon I'd stop at the wrong side of the city and there's no prebookable accommodation, I'm not sure if there would be a bus straight to Kong Kaen and which station it would leave from, I don't know when the air bus to Phitsanulok leaves, awkward.

2. Bite the bullet and buy another ticket to Bangkok, then come up to Chiang Mai. Disadvantage, two twelve hour trips, expensive, having to stay in expensive Bangkok when I have no especial reason to be there.

3. Skip Udon, disadvantage, I might be being ripped off on the direct bus.

Oooh, I actually don't have so many options do I? I think I should wait it out for some time. It's quiet here, there's no great place to go, but if the stars are bad. I think tomorrow, I'd feel more confident if I had more info, like maps drawn, various hotel possibilities, bus and rickshaw prices and walking routes for most of it. So, it'll be three days or so of snarling dogs and just sitting in front of the computer. But I think if I make a concerted effort to get more info. If I do that for most of the day, then see if there's any chance of printing any maps out. It'll be an experience at the least, and I suppose I'm OK right now, I have my study and rent is just 200, not so much more than Chiang Mai... if it hasn't gone up there.

I wonder how A. is? Of course, I dareden't phone her with the stars like this.

Yes, everything is sqewiff at the moment, but it could be much worse and I'm happy, I suppose. I'm busy aren't I. Tomorrow, I'll stay around here. I'll see if there is somewhere I can plug in downstairs. Perhaps if I eat somewhere different as I'm in such a routine. If I make noodles also at night, rather than just economy bread and butter. I'm doing better magic now, and can perhaps do some down by the river. How about Mutmee. I know they were rude last time, but I'm such an unforgiving person, and there's nowhere else. I should perhaps give them a second chance, just so I can do something different. Then at night, I don't know. I only will be sans beans, god, there must be something else I like. You see, I feel overwhelmed when I try and move forward without enough information. I must study, my university work and my route, plan a b c d and e and then stride forward more confidently. And, I could at least phone a couple of places to try and book accommodation; I have a mobile signal again, that's something I can bear in mind. Yes, stop whining. I'm lucky, my life is lonely,but blessed.

OK, I'm go to sleepychops.

Date: Wednesday 4th February 2009
Sawadee Guest House, Meechai road, Nong Khai, North-East Thailand.
1.30pm

Dream

I was walking along practicing magick as I went (inner-mental type), in a carefree and joyful way.

Interpretation

Literal.

--

I'm leaving, finally, in half an hour.

Oh, it's been a wrench. First, I had to find out where the potential hotels are, then what the buses would be like to try and judge if I could take it, then I decided to just skip Udon as surely I can take a three hour journey, now I have second thoughts, mainly because the bus is so cheap. I went out today and got a ticket with a company called 407. I've looked at their buses in passing and it seemed bearable... though cheaper than my research indicates. I've saved 200 baht over the tout price (what they were asking at the bus entrance). Anyway, it's done now. If it's that bad... I don't know. I just won't get on.

I went over to Mutmee over the past three days, just to hang about; it's a guest house/restaurant. It's the main place everyone raves about and I went there last year and just didn't get it. This year, because I've just been to fast food places, I walked in determined to get served and at least try it. I did get it, basically I asked, they have no waiting service, you go to the kitchen and write down what you want. So then I had a really nice place to sit and work in the evening.

Anyway, I'm off now; I'll go toilet. Sad in a way as they're friendly enough here. Guess I'll be back.

Date: Friday 6th February 2009
Chaipat Hotel
Khon Kaen, Issan, NE Thailand
11.35pm

Great, so now I'm trapped somewhere else.

Actually, the bus was fine. It was just a standard AC bus with no frills. I had two seats to myself. I listened to some podcasts. I studied the Linux mind mapping software vym. We got to Udon and I wasn't sure if I could get off but stayed on and arrived OK. I was listening to Gill when we arrived, so I walked off with my earphones and continued listening, then went looking for the hotel. I found it straight away, unfriendly and more expensive than I thought, but I checked in and went to KFC.

Next day I went to the tourist office and asked about the buses to Phitsanulok and she gave me a sheet, two in the afternoon was best, lots of companies, just ask anyone and it was all easy. So I went off to the station, and queued at the first place, but that was only at Bangkok. I kept asking at other places, but they all kept pointing me to somewhere else, different places, no one going. I found the 407 office and they pointed me to another place yet again. I decided to give up and go to the toilet, and when I went I passed some counters and asked there. There were about six females behind the counter, and they were messing about and joking, one of them was running around screaming at the top of her voice and being chased.

There was an older woman there and I asked her, though she had trouble making herself heard. She didn't speak so much English, and I speak no Thai, but showed her the timetable I got from the tourist board and she crossed out the 2pm time and wrote 9,10,11,12.

I went back to the tourist board to be sure. The same woman explained that there is an air con and non-air con station, she'd given me a timetable for the non-air con station as only here could I go at two pm. She said there would be lots of places to get a ticket, there was two air con buses, one at two pm. and gave me the name of three places, all of whom could sell an air ticket for two pm.

So I walked to the non-air con station, found an information window. I asked the times, 9,10,11,12. I asked for Samba tour or Issan, but no, go round the corner to the counter, where there is Issan tours.

I asked at a window and was directed opposite. I went opposite and was directed back there. I asked for Phitsanulok and was told I couldn't advance buy, and they couldn't say what class the bus would be. I went opposite and say 'Easarn' written on the receipt, which I think is what I was looking for, but she didn't speak English. I went back to the tourist board and she was irritated and phoned for me, and swore that Samba go at two o clock and there was an office there.

I left it for that day. Today I went back and started asking for Samba tour. I was again directed all around the bus station until I ended up in a separate wing in front of a cubical and a man said Samba tour was next door. I went next door and a man said he would escort me to Samba tour, and I was led back to the other building, to Issan tour office.

I walked back to the office that had identified itself as Samba tour and asked about Phitsanulok and was told it only goes at six pm. So, that was today gone.

I've thought about it, and realised that the 9,10,11 that they wrote on my timetable at the air con station was probably the non-air times as that's the timetable she wrote it on.

So, I'm trapped again. If I can only get to Phitsanulok I am near a train station, or perhaps can get a bus up from Bangkok. I checked the astrology (ugh... I wish I didn't believe in it), and I'm near the zenith of the Pluto/Neptune transit, and there's not much I can do about it.

Anyway, my options are:

1. Take the evening bus to Chiang Mai AC

2. Take the evening bus to Chiang Mai and get off at Phitsanulok early in the morning

3. Take the non-ac bus from whoever I can get it from

4. Go via Bangkok

If I go for number one, I still will have trouble knowing the company, and stuff.

The bus station in Phitsanulok is outside town I think, or not in the centre, though I can't find a map with a scale that includes the station, just an arrow showing it's direction.

I think better is if in the morning tomorrow, I go and get the ac times, then actually go back at that time and look at the buses and see the names of the companies, or ask them and where to get a ticket. I'll have to hang around the bus station for an hour or so I suppose... perhaps the Chiang Rai bus goes via Chiang Mai (though I doubt it).

One advantage is that I will save an accommodation night.

I've got quite a bit of study done since I've been here. It's a boring place I suppose... but where isn't? All this work to get to Chiang Mai... and the thing is, I don't even want to be there. In my mind, it would have been better to make it through Vietnam. What is the advantage of making it there. Here, I study in Starbucks and walk around the shopping centre as I'll do there. There were more eating options... but I don't really eat out since the exchange rate downtown. I can treat myself sometimes. What are the advantages of going to Chiang Mai at this point?

• More places to eat

• More places to work

• More blasé people

• More travelers' scene

• Nice walk everyday

• Cheaper monthly accommodation rates

• Easy onward travel options

• More English spoken

• Can get a phone card and speak to A regularly

Ugh. Well, I suppose also, with a theoretical six month visa, I can stop traveling for a bit and the pressure is off me.

Yes, that's it, think positive, because what's the alternative? I can't stay here, there isn't the accommodation choices, as there isn't in Bangkok. Also, I did want to go and see Pai, finally (even though I only heard about it last year). Don't know if I'll like it, but I think it is something new to see.

That's about it. Could me worse. Still happy with my life.

Date: Saturday 7th February 2009
Chaipat Hotel, Khon Kaen, Issan, North-East Thailand
11.42pm.

Well, I guess I could have done more today, but it wasn't so bad. The room is expensive though.

I paid, then walked to the bus station, the air-con one. A schoolgirl of perhaps eighteen walked with me. She told me she was a famous film-star of the area, and laughed, then told me she was mad, and kind of babbled on. I didn't get so much, other than she feels a compulsion to talk to foreigners when she sees them.

In the station, a uniformed guy came and asked if he could help. This was a better start. I wanted to know about Chiang Mai this time, so he directed me back to the window I had been to before. So, I went and the same women were there, but a bit calmer, so the messing about of yesterday was a one-off perhaps, though they still made it fairly obvious that they didn't like dealing with me.

... and so the story becomes clearer, a little. Samba Tours, which I was asking about (basically because it is the easiest to pronounce) only go Sunday and one other day, perhaps Tuesday, but two others go, also on staggered days, and so it's a daily evening service. They may stop in Phitsanulok, but they were non-committal as to where it would stop... so it might not even be at the bus station.

Then 'the penny dropped', as the ... I don't know, some people say to indicate sudden comprehension. She mentioned the name of the other two bus companies that go... which are the names of the companies the ... idiot... at the tourist board sent me off to the non-air con bus station to look for. They aren't daytime bus companies but the ones that go onto Chiang Mai.

Now, that might not be right... but it might not be wrong.

OK, that's my 'moving on effort for the day' done. I walked down to Macdonald's I like to go to two or three places just for a drink, then I try and get through ten pages of my workbook (university) and if I can do it then I've made a good dent into one of the units. If I try and do them all in one sitting I get fatigued, and so eventually I'm reading the words, but there's no comprehension registering.

Anyway, I went down there and it was Saturday, so far too noisy, so I came back thinking I should do a wash while I have a balcony. The receptionist doesn't like me, but... does anyone? So I came up but the room hadn't been done. I couldn't do it in case they came in and washing isn't allowed, so I did my ten pages here and finished a unit.

Then they phoned and wanted to do it, so I sat outside, then came back in and washed my jeans. It was so warm a lethargy came over me that didn't quite leave me all day. I went out to KFC but the wifi wasn't working. I asked about it and ascertained that it was owned by the shopping centre (the wifi) and so there was nothing I could do about it.

I went shopping, remembering to use my loyalty card, and came back, to the arrogant receptionist and not so much to do. As I had finished a unit, I had planned to work on new things generally, get podcasts for a future journey.

I don't know what to do. Tomorrow is a luckyish day astrology-wise, I say tomorrow, it's today as it's past midnight, the day after is a full moon, the day after that the Pluto transit reaches its exact zenith So it's too expensive to stay here, but not so lucky perhaps leaving right now. I don't know.

The M150 course officially starts today (yesterday). I've already studied the unit and the TMA is released today. Of course, I couldn't download it. So that's that.

Oh, rubbish. I don't know what to do. I have so much to plan and write and start and find out... but I am still present and grateful. I should just make the most of it.

I think tomorrow, I should go and ask about the Chiang Rai bus, as maybe that leaves at a better time... though I doubt very much it takes the same route going through Phitsanulok.

Then it's just a matter of working all day I suppose. Perhaps if I don't bother with Diamond Plaza but go straight to the other one. What if the wifi doesn't work? I must ask about it downstairs, when the receptionist that just dislikes me rather than hates me is on.

Yes. It's not so bad. Perhaps I can do another wash. I must get some vanish stain remover. I hate my clothes. They're all from Tesco and cheap and shabby, even ones you pay a bit more for, my bags all split. I've worn the same nylon trousers for way over a year. Perhaps I can look for something tomorrow? I hate shopping though. But whatever. At least I'm well and have somewhere decent to live.

Date: Wednesday 11th February 2009
Chaipat Hotel, Khon Kaen, Issan, NE Thailand
12.00am

Still here; it's too expensive; I'll have to think about leaving really. Make tomorrow the last day? As I say, I don't want to move on so much... but I think I'd better.

I am getting a lot of stuff done. The essay deadlines approach, but I'm on top of the study, just about. There's so much to do though. I think, a rough plan can be, go to CM for a day and get all my essays sorted out and extend, then have a clear month in Pai, then come down and decide what I want to do. The first month I can sort out the last of the cd's so they're uploaded and I'm not carrying them, then I can upload them from KSK while I'm doing the essays and other work. I can order the study books I need and make the longer-term plan. Off to Pai, and back for shopping and onward travel. Yes, I think this could work?

I'm kind of bored here. Yes, I'll feel like that anywhere I go, but I'm in a routine, which is boring. I get up and pay, go to MacDonald's and study ten pages, go to the toilet in the Diamond Plaza. Walk to KFC. Eat and study ten pages and go shopping down in Topps (remembering to use my loyalty card), then go to Starbucks and type up my notes, then walk home.

But it's not a travelers centre. I eat exactly the same thing every day. I know I'm not looking forward to the bus and the alternative isn't much better, but really, there's no choice. Basically, it's the uncertainty, not being able to find out exactly how the bus will run but having to leave it that I don't know until I actually get on the bus. I asked the oracle, and it said go air con to Phitsanulok... which is the worst idea the way I see it. To go non-ac is darkening of the light, but that could refer to me arriving at the evening.

Ugh. Well, I have the excuse of doing a last wash tomorrow, then I must come back early and I'm done. It's just one day, then either I'm there, or I'm in Phitsanulok with an easy connection.

I had no idea that the travel in Thailand was like this; I've only ever stuck to the main tourist sites.

Date: Saturday 14th February 2009 -- Valentine's Day
Chaipat Hotel, Khon Kaen, Issan, North East Thailand
12.55am.

Yep, still here. But I've done a load of work, all my washing, cleaned one of my bags. I bought little Velcro straps to tie all my electrical leads into neat bundles rather than a big tangle. I laid all my stuff out and am proud of how little I own, and I intend it to be less. Overall good. Of course, tomorrow is Saturday, not a good day to leave bus-wise, but I think if I perhaps go to the station for a Sunday ticket, then I know I'm on the way.

I finished the study for DD122. When I say finished, I read the last book and wrote the last note and typed the last note and corrected the last note I took. Now I have to list all the possible references, make mind-maps, plan essays, research essays, write and submit one essay electronically, send the other hard copy and await my final score. But, I feel some sense of achievement already, of having gone through it all. I started looking at the course material on a bus going down to London a year ago (just a year?), and started properly working at it in South Pacific Coffee Company on Hong Kong Island, and here I am wrapping up. Of course, it's a load of work yet.

And of course, I just realised I have two units of the new course to get done also... so it's all go. If I have a few days in Phitsanulok, then I can have a clear month in Chiang Mai, this lets me get the course fairly clear, guaranteed wifi and decent post. plus receive the other course books, and plan where next. Yes, I think this will be OK, roughly, plus I'm there to receive the paperwork I'll need to apply for next year's funding.

So... it's taking much longer than I wanted to actually get over there, but I'm generally on track for everything.

It bothers me I can't get up and down off the floor (because of my bad leg). I remember for over five years I had trouble getting up and down stairs, and I had a dream about practicing on the stairs in Hari Krishna GH in Delhi as the steps were low and had banisters close by either side, and that worked out and nowadays, I don't think twice about thinking both legs.

So I've been practicing squatting exercises twice a day (without fail) for about four months. When I was in Vietnam in Nha Trang, there were low bars on a window and I could practice going really low.

Today I had a sudden piece of inspiration that I could find a piece of thick elastic, purpose made perhaps, to put the centre over the soles of my feet, hold the ends with my hands, lay on my back and practice and push my feet towards the ceiling (if you see what I mean). That's something In must keep an eye out for in Chiang Mai.

So many things I want to get there:

• Camera

• Phone

• Knife

• Sun hat

• Nice clothes

• Bag

• Elastic for stress exercise

• USB light

• Battery charger

• DVD cull of my cds

Yes, let's make tomorrow my last day, as it will have taken me a month to get to Chiang Mai, although if I have at least seen something new and been in a place free of distractions to finish all this work up. I think it's due on the tenth, the essay I mean, so I can have a couple of weeks on it at least. So... I'm all clear.

Then again... all the planning, new courses to be on and stuff, tickets to arrange, plus I want to start on these books, the ones I want to write I mean. At least life is simple with no friends or possessions. It could be worse.

It's a long time since I spoke to someone though. I think going on five months. I must get a card and speak to A.

Date: Monday 16th February 2009
Chaipat Hotel, Khon Kaen, Issan, North East Thailand.
About half twelve in the morning.

... And so it goes on and on. I went to leave yesterday, determined to follow the I Ching's instruction and buy a ticket from the a/c station, as it would arrive at eleven pm. there's still time to do something. So I went in the morning, but she said it arrives at midnight and couldn't specify where it would stop, other than 'outside Phitsanulok'.

So I, again, walked up to the non-a/c station and there a woman from Easarn was at least nice. There was a second class air bus leaving at two pm, yes it leaves daily. It takes six hours and stops twice on the way, ending at the main bus station in Phit (which I found out is three kilometers away). So, perhaps that is bearable? There's a first class bus... but it goes in the evening.

So I'm packed up, and tomorrow I'm just walking out with my bag, as this is too expensive, plus the wifi has been wholly down for four days now and I'm just about finishing up all the work I can do off line

Before the wifi went off, I looked at my birth chart and transits at www.astro.com. As I recall, there's a long transit, is it with Neptune, that causes self-doubt. That's certainly true today. It came on about an hour ago, from nowhere, like a cloud of general self-loathing descended on me. I felt worthless and useless all of a sudden... I mean more so than I usually do.

Oh, but tomorrow... the bus. The oracle seems to think the start will be OK, but the end is 'darkening of the light' with the interpretation of having been weakened and needed to work on that.

But I recall, it was the I ching that put me here, so perhaps I should just go.

Whatever happens, I'm packed up and am walking out with everything I own tomorrow. I went back to the non-a/c station early evening to get when the buses would start. Six am. which is nuts, but I think there's a ten fifteen. I'll try and go for that. If anything happens, I'll come back for the ac one and just hang about, and if not, to hell with it, straight to Chiang Mai, and if not, then I'll goddamn go to Bangkok. But I WILL leave tomorrow.

Actually, the thought of going to Bangkok kind of does it for me now.... then again, the thought of going anywhere does it for me right now. I just want a change basically I want... something.

I'm going to try and sleep. Thanks for putting up with me, dear diary, as rubbish as I am.

Date: Thursday 18th February 2009
LiThai Hotel, Phitsanulok, Central Thailand.
1.22am

Arrived. Made it. AOK... generally. I've written up what happened to me, as something I'm going to post on a travel message board, but I'll put it here to save me retyping it; it might read a little odd as it includes writing intended for anyone following the route

Next day I arrived at 9.45 and there was no one at the counter. I asked the guy at the next counter and he said no 10.15 bus to Phitsanulok. I went to the counters opposite and they said no bus at 10.15 and no Easarn bus.

Madness. So I left and went to the first bay (the one with no toilets). I was leaving back to the main road, planning to throw myself under a departing bus, die and be done with this cruel world, and passed Somba tour (in the first bay), and saw a sign that said 10.15. I went and asked, yes, yes, YES, Phitsanulok at 10.15. 202 baht. Six hours, two stops, will stop at the main station. Paid, peed, got on.

It was second AC, meaning the exterior was white and orange. padded seats four abreast, tad cramped, I'm 6ft3in and could just squeeze me legs in, but then just put them in the aisle and it was comfy enough. The seats had numbers and I'd chosen my seat from a map on the lady's computer. Approaching the bus they'd put my big bag in the hold but wouldn't take my case. Someone else in a uniform showed me on the bus and the seat numbers were adhered to... so it was quite civilized and OK for six hours. I put my case in the storage above. It was a big bus that said 'Chiang Rai' on the side, and was about a quarter full, though I had two seats. We left about ten minutes late, but God, at least I was going somewhere.

It took about two hours until the first stop. On the way we stopped about three times to pick up people hailing the bus from bus stops but it still wasn't busy. At the main station I got off to go to the toilet, three baht and very clean and nice indeed.

Got back on and it was about two thirds full, but I still had two seats. We stopped to pick up someone about every 20 minutes, but the bus stopped about 50 seconds each time. The road got quite windy and the conductor made me take my case down and put it on the seat next to me.

Two hours later there was another stop. It was a proper station, very quiet, and a toilet option, though I didn't need to go so I just sat there. I think one or two people got on but they all avoided the farang so I had two seats.

Off we went again. I was quite happy by now as we were getting there and I hadn't expected very much but really, it wasn't so bad.

We kept stopping occasionally to let people on, and sometimes off, then five old women got on and it was full. I had to put my case back up. This irritated me as I'd wanted to put it in the hold (it's only dirty washing). When I stood up my trousers were half down and my a*s flashed everywhere and the women stood there laughing. Well, then one sat next to me; she sat there for 20 minutes, then I had to stand to let her out and they all got another eyefull. So, the bus was full at one point, but all seated, no one standing.

On the approach to Phitsanulok, say the last half hour, we stopped every half hour to let people off. We finally pulled into Phitsanulok station. I went toilet, then realised there were no tuk tuks (I haven't seen any in Phit), so I walked back to the main highway we had been traveling on, and (with the station behind me) I turned left (heading west) and walked for about 1.2 kilometers. There the road splits, one rising up to be elevated, one staying at ground level. I stayed on the lower one and then hit the train tracks, and was thus able to orientate myself on the Phit map I had got from travelfish.

OK, so the thing I'd been dreading is done, and wasn't really so bad. I went to KFC at night and the room is OK.

I phoned A. last night. She's OK. Carly got the cheque and hasn't cashed it yet... I think. There's no real news, except the house has been let, to a professor from the University (in Northampton). She seems OK and had been getting my letters... both of them.

Here, I go to Toplands plaza every day. Where ever I go it's very quickly into the same routine. I find the main mall and hang there all day, mostly sitting in KFC and studying. I finished the DD122 study, I mentioned that didn't I. I did one and a half units of the computing course today, a lot of work really. I'm happy staying another couple of days or something. If I make the mind map for 122 and write things I need to research and an outline, I think that might help. I'll have over two weeks, but I'll have to start the other essay soon after. That has to be sent from Chiang Mai again... so it will really be the same routine as last time. So, that's about it.

There was a woman checking in to the hotel when I did; we arrived the same time as coincidence. They took us up to look at the room together. When she spoke to me it's so long since I spoke that I don't think I make sense to native English speakers anymore.

Plus I'm going mad of course I think it's subtle, but a definite step downwards. I have noticed my eyes don't go up anymore. I mean, I can look up if I want to, but have generally stopped looking at human beings. I mean, I rarely have cause to anyway. But I just noticed somehow that I've stopped. So, in KFC, I walk in and my eyes don't come up at all, they go to the menu and I point, salad and fries, no drink. Then when I have to give the money I kind of look behind or look around at inanimate objects, and no one seems to notice; they must think I'm preoccupied or just taking in the environment... like I don't live in KFC now like I lived in Burgerking when I was younger.

I can do this checking in the hotel, any hotel. I walk in and look all around and someone approaches me or I go up to the desk and I ask about the room and if I can see it and I can just keep looking around, and no one notices that I just don't look at them at all.

I don't think I used to do that; though I don't know how it started. Maybe I'll never look someone in the eye again, and is that bad? I mean, if I've been looking at people all this time, it doesn't do me any good. So why even mention it? I guess it's because I noticed the difference for some reason. Even walking around the mall, I naturally focus on merchandise or whatever and people are just passing blurs that I don't see.

So, I'll probably be taking the evening train. I'm listening to an audiobook Cell by Stephen King and am really enjoying it. I'll try and get most of the studying part of the studying done before I leave. There's no rush for Chiang Mai is there? The rent's three fifty here though.

I'm happy and grateful overall, still. It's a good time and I feel good. Despite the morose complaining and stuff; I love life today. Thank you for my day, whoever.

I said 'I guess' somewhere in this post, J. taught me to say that.

Date: Sunday 22nd February 2009
LiThai Hotel, Phitsanulok, Central Thailand.
11.42pm.

Sixteen years to the day that I first left England, and tomorrow in J's birthday.

So... it was a good day. I have my little routine, the routine I fall into one way or another wherever I go. Get up and walk to the main mall, sit in a fast food restaurant, shop and come home; though I am far from complaining.

I walk along the river to get to the Toplands Plaza. It's nice. Yesterday I was attacked my ants, so today I was careful, as I sat under a brick structure and looked at the fawn brown water flowing by. I reflected... generally, and on the day I first left UK in 1993.

I think if someone had have said to me then, leaving the airport (and I often have thoughts like this (did I write about them before)), look, you're going now and it will be an adventure for a few years. You might kind of love and lose but no one will really want to be with you, you'll never really be close to anyone, but, in sixteen years time, you'll still be in SEA, on a fully funded degree course and having never had a job... actually, I don't know what I would have said.

But that's a 'what if', the thing is, what do I say now? I say, what an amazing adventure. Yes, no guarantees, but I'm trying and I have a while to work things out.

I went to buy a ticket; it was booked for today, but I'm going at nine at night tomorrow. I arrive at six in the morning, and it's a long walk in, but it won't be too hot and I can take it easy I suppose. I can finish listening to my audiobook. I can work all day, well, as long as my battery lasts. I think tomorrow, I'll have a drink downstairs and then I can ask about the plug? Then I'll walk up to the post office, then the cybercafe, then Toplands, yes, the time will fly by. Let's hope they'll store my bag here.

I've been thinking about getting a kettle. In the shop, I buy almost the same thing every day. Most things here have too much sugar in for me to eat. So, I have two apples, a tin of beans, a loaf of bread, a half pint of milk, a box of cornflakes, and that's it. The only variation was a tin of olives once (weird variety, couldn't eat them), some salted broad beans, sunflower seeds and watermelon seeds. I mean, I have a vitamin pill and my diet's not bad, but it's not good either. Outside of Thailand, it's similar food, but no beans.

So I toyed with the idea of a cooker, but it will be far too much trouble. But a kettle would make a big difference. I could have noodles daily, which are cheaper and better for me. I could get tea and occasional soups to dip bread in, all this will be better for my health, and wallet. Plus, I could drink boiled water, rather than bottled water, this would pay for itself. Also, I could do a small wash every day, or every other day, in very hot water.

Perhaps I could look into a cooker in the long term, I'll see how it works. Right now, I must try and find a kettle that's acceptable small.

Then I must get new bags. There's such a gap in the huge one I have, where all the negatives used to be. I keep looking at them each time I go out. I must deal with the last of my papers and decide what I'll be doing with the things I want to store, that way, everything I'm carrying will be functional in some way, and often used.

A knife, that's another thing I need, and it will increase the options concerning fruit and so on.

I don't think there's anything else to say. It'll be nice to go in a way... I know I was complaining about Chiang Mai before. Plus, I can't really afford to go out daily now. But there are more places to sit and work, two Starbucks, a kfc, a mickydee. I mean, if this is where I'm at home.

But I'm quite at home in the hotel, well, any hotel. I thought about it earlier. I could be in Europe and buy a cheap caravan and lease the land. I'd never need a visa or to leave whichever country it was in. But it feels wrong. To be in a place that is all mine and nothing to do with anyone else. No one will ever come in. I mean... it just doesn't feel right. I think it's a hard thing to admit that I'll spend all my life in a hotel (or somewhere that feels like a hotel), because that's just not the way things are supposed to be. But, ugh, it's night and I should sleep. It's past midnight. Happy birthday Junko!

Date: Wednesday 25th February 2009
Lanna Thai Guest house
Back of the Night Market
Chiang Mai
1.10am

Made it. Took way over a month, but I'm here. The place is like a magnet isn't it? I came here when I left J, I came here when I was laden down with possessions that needed to be archived. Now I've come because my China visa wasn't ready (or whatever happened).

Anyway, back in Phitsanulok, I didn't sleep for ages. It must have been four or five in the morning when I dropped off.

Got up and checked out. The hotel was well accustomed to Farangs so I could leave my bag off. I went and sat by the river, then wrote a birthday postcard to J and sent it. Then I walked onto Toplands I went toilet and came and used the computer in a cybercafe for an hour and a half, then three hours doing absolutely nothing in KFC. Well, thinking.

I still have all the self-doubt at the minute. I keep thinking back to my past and the things that made me this way, whichever way that is.

I walked back along the river in the evening. There was a bit of life going on, so I went back to the little cafe next to the hotel, for the first time. The food was too sweet to enjoy, but it was AC and somewhere to sit. Then I went to the station.

It was dark, grimy and depressing and I sat there for about half an hour. There was no information in English and the announcements were in Thai. I asked at the ticket window and the train was delayed by two hours. So... I just sat there. I wondered what J was doing on her birthday and I sent her good thoughts.

It became apparent that the security guards were keeping an eye on me and I was directed to another platform, then another one prevented me from getting on the wrong train. Then mine came.

I had a lower berth by the door. Everybody had already bedded down so I got sorted out, then couldn't find my keys, then I just lay there. It was impossibly hot and I had to detach half the curtain to get some air in; but even then it was uncomfortable.

I carried on listening to the novel. The display on my mp3 is broken, been broken now for about two years, but I listened to the first file... and the story concluded after half an hour and I realised that it had actually been the last file. I felt bad my keys were gone, and there was no space to lock anything up. I lie for about an hour and a half I think. Then I just fell asleep. I think I woke at one point and the carriage had become cool and windy. I noticed that most people there were farangs. I fell asleep again, and when I opened them it was light and everyone was getting off. I sent a thought of thanks to my subconscious for waking me, then had a coffee at the station cafe. Then I walked to the night market.

I had two hand drawn maps, one from the hotel website, and one from a travel website, but they contradicted each other. I followed the hotel one and it was wrong, but a driver directed me when I was close. I asked and the room was 500. I said the website said 380 and that is for fan. She showed me a ground floor room, then seemed surprised when I didn't take it. She asked why I didn't want the upstairs room and I could sense that this was a better one so I took it at no extra charge. It's almost what I was paying in Khon Kaen, and has no air con... though it a bit bigger. Basically, it's a bit overpriced, but it wasn't so much of a walk, and I am close(ish) to the gpo if I go tomorrow and ask about using the Post Restant to have a book sent to me.

I went out this evening and looked around Panthip computer plaza. There's a usb charger for 190, so I'll have to do a bit of research about batteries, but really I should get that, and also an extension cable that looks light and is unbelievably cheap... though is it safe? Quite a few camera choices. I think if I go and use the wifi tomorrow for the things I need to do, then I don't need to be here, over near night market, for quite a while. Yes, that's a good plan.

The mouse button on the computer, well, touch-pad button, is unresponsive, though I'm not near Hong Kong and the guarentee is out soon. I might ask around to see if I can get a mouse, of course I'll need to test one and generally, that's not possible as they're sealed. I'll ask though, as I do need it. When I start doing more graphical work that's going to be a lot easier.

Yes, so I'm back and can get on with stuff. There are still quite a few issues, but really, it could all be a lot worse and I'll look forward to my day tomorrow.

Date: Tuesday 24th March 2009
Starbucks outside sofa, overlooking Kad Suan Kaew, with my feet up and the laptop on my thighs (the height of decadence).
About half six at night.

Wow, it's a long, long time since I wrote, though I always seem to say that nowadays; oh, it's so hard for us undergraduates.

I'll try and remember what happened. It was too expensive staying up Lanna Thai, so I picked a place nearer to Kad Suan Kaew, where I seem to spend most of my time. I picked Paikini from the review on travelfish. It was quite a walk. When I finally got there, a young lady told me it was now 400, a hundred more than I'd expected, though when I hesitated, it rapidly came down a hundred, without breakfast. I saw from the menu that breakfast was fifty, but she said that would be for two as it's a double room. The first place I stayed there was really comfy, but I realised that they have wifi but only available in the lower rooms and so I moved down and the mattress was uncomfortable, but I was connected at least.

I stayed a few days and decided it wasn't a bad deal and I would ask about the monthly rates, six thousand, so I would save three thousand. I booked it and waited about twelve days, but then she said the occupier had continued, and so I couldn't move. I got the feeling that I'd been duped, so I moved out the next day.

I came over to a place called Sripoom, a hundred cheaper, but no monthly available until next month, when I might be up in Pai. But it's comfy enough and I'm settled for now.

What else happened while I was in CM.I bought a kettle. I thought about it for ages, I was thinking about it went I first arrived, thinking that I could use it to purify water, and have noodles and soup and vary my diet. I was going to look for a simple element that would fit in a cup, but then I saw a little travel kettle in Central, so I bought it, and it's as I thought it would be. I make noodles and add tofu and fresh lemon, I haven't bought a bottle of water for days, and so it is paying for itself in a way. Ironically, I don't actually drink hot drinks.

I phoned A. She was kind of having a bad turn. She'd received a letter from the post office saying that the redirection service she gets will run out soon and she has to send another cheque or any mail will be destroyed. She somehow got the idea that I had the same service and that I would get tax demands that would be ignored and I'd be in trouble and have to pay all my university fees back. I don't know how she got this idea. No matter how I tried to explain it to her she just couldn't accept it and was begging me to come back 'to sort it out'. The only way I could reassure her was to promise to text Carly all about it, which I didn't. But I did phone A the next day and she'd calmed down and I just explained that I don't receive mail except from the bank and uni, and so it was a mistake. But I will be getting tax letters from the bank next month and I will need them, so that's something for Carly, if she doesn't mind.

I was bored one night, so just surfed for fun, oh, the luxury of wifi in bed! Well, I found my nephew's profile on myspace. There's hardly anything there, just a couple of bad quality photos. He's 25 now, and like myself, really doesn't look that good.

Another person I found was Matthew, the kid I knew at school and went to the reading festival with. There's quite a few pictures of him in the galleries. I haven't seen him since I was nineteen. I stumbled across his profile once, but then could never find it again for some reason. It sent me on a downer to be honest. Over the years, I've searched every now and again, perhaps a quick Google every couple of years, just to see if he surfaces. I didn't hang around with him so much, but he's one of the few people who actually had an effect on my life, I mean a positive effect. He turned up out the blue once and invited me to Reading, and that gave me the appetite to go out and live life. Plus, he was starting a BTEC in media studies and got me onto being a mature student. I got him into Oxfam. Of course our friendship didn't last because I was an avoidant and couldn't get on with his friends. But, he was nice, one of the few really nice people I ever met.

Anyway, when the search tool picked up his name and linked it to Northampton, I knew it would be him. The browser suddenly started crashing so I didn't get to see so much. I saw he's completely bald and looks old, as I do, perhaps over forty. Maybe that's the depressing part, because I remember messing about with him at school when we were twelve.

He has some pictures up. I think there were three of himself, some of 'running', some of Munich and most were of his cat. I think perhaps it was depressing that he didn't find someone. Of course he didn't or there would be a photo. You put what's important up on profiles. Perhaps he's happy like that. But I've always mixed in these, lower, sub-groups I think. Like Darren. I just know people who don't work or marry. But I'm being presumptuous Matthew was always hard working, I would imagine at least that he works.

I saw two pictures of him, he was alone in both of them, and looked kind of, 'outsider'. I don't know. It would be nice if I knew someone who just got somewhere.

I've worked my ass of on the essay, I'm doing it now, have put so many hours in. This is the last one. I got number three back a few days ago and my grade was down to an average. So I'm trying hard to make it up now.

There's not much else, or perhaps there is but I just don't recall now.. I have some diary notes, so I'll include them as a retrospective when I get round to it. I think about her all the time, in an insane and unhealthy way, in a way that makes me wan to be free of it. I think it's working though. I understand what I really want now, which is not to feel attached, rather than to be with any particular person.

I'm off Friday to put the essay in the post. Then I have three days to finish my first essay of the computer course. I had to make some forum postings and I still have some study to do on that; I'm not enjoying it right now to be honest. It'll be better when I have this first course out the way. I looked into having a course book sent to me to get ahead in a future course, but people on the internet warned me that any book sent to post restant would go missing. So, I'm just one hundred percent focused on finishing this essay, and getting some space in my time.

Date: Monday 30th March 2009
Starbucks, Thaepae Road, Chiang Mai. 8.10pm

Friday! Ha!

I put the essay in the post today, about three hours ago.

Always in Starbucks, well, that's how it looks isn't it? But I only drink a fifteen baht drinking water. It was actually the weak, warm coffee here that stopped me drinking it in public.

I always seem to finish essays right on the deadline. So, this is the last one. I got up a bit later than I wanted, but what to do? Last night I realised that I'd actually printed out an earlier version of the essay, and so I couldn't do any work. This morning I went to the cybercafe that used to be a French restaurant and just printed it. The printer has something wrong and it left blotches everywhere. It's been that way for years, though she did her best. Anyway, I had four diagrams to integrate, two pictures and I was 300 words over the allowed target. I've felt so overwhelmed and harried doing this for so long. It reached a crescendo today, but I had to just turn to the work, concentrate and get it all done.

Then in the end, considering everything, I was reasonably happy. It's in the ballpark. My last essay slipped to a C. I really need this grade to be good to keep an overall B average and get a 'good pass' certificate, rather than a 'clear pass'. So, I went the extra mile. Only one problem, not only did I not get any videos or tutorials as other students do, but the detailed instructions for what was expected in the essay were on an Audio... which I don't actually have!

So, I've just done the absolute best I can, with the whole course. It's quite an emotional time in a way. Well, not emotional, I mean significant. I remember first deciding that I wanted a degree, aged nineteen, and I went to the careers office in Northampton and asked about a psychology degree and the lady just went on and on about how much maths there would be and talked me out of it. I couldn't even find out what a degree entailed, how, specifically, do you do the work to get one? This was 1991, and there was no Internet. I did get all the information from UCCAS and remember photographing it, I'm sure it's in the archive somewhere; it was the same time as I started looking into the possibility of going to Asia. I started a second A level but it was too cold, England too harsh, A's place too restrictive.

Then I started to think I could just get some undergraduate study under my belt, and that lady I met in India talked me out of it, saying they wouldn't allow partial degree study (not true).

Then I went away again, and had to return for my year in England. I went to the career office in Hammersmith. I asked how I could get a psychology degree, and the lady said there was no funding. No NVQ. Basically, I ended up with an address to see about night courses in counseling

Then I got the inheritance and looked into doing two a levels, to somehow get to university I researched and researched how to do an affordable A level, well, two, and it just didn't seem possible, so I got my own study books, in religious studies and sociology and just went off to Asia, to study and not know how I would do any exams.

I remember being in Vietnam when I started looking into the OU. I realised there was no entrance and the chance of funding. It was about the time I had my 'bad turn'.

I remember being in Laos when A. couldn't send off my application for me, had the stroke and was hospitalised.

I remember filling in my own forms outside the Starbucks by Victoria Coach Station in London before I went to the monastery to take the Buddhist precepts.

I remember the train and bus ride to the University in Milton Keynes, with a virgin passport in a new name, and speaking to a lady who enrolled me. I remember going on to the shopping centre and phoning back and being told it was all sorted out and I was a student.

I remember receiving my first books and being really lost and not knowing what to do.

I remember receiving my OU student ID card.

I remember going to the tutorial at Northampton college and feeling like a stupid outsider when everyone talked about themselves and I said that I don't want to talk.

I remember sitting outside in Pacific coffee company company and making my first concerted effort to get into the material and make a start.

I remember sitting where I am now when the first essay was due, so nervous I felt sick, and then submitting it from Buddies cybercafe.

I remember getting my first mark back and printing out the tutor comments and realising I could do it, my work was in the ballpark.

I remember submitting an essay just before I checked out of the hotel to get a plane out of Vietnam.

I remember hours ago, sending off the last essay and walking back home.

And here I sit, with my feet up as my legs are in agony... and I've made a year of undergraduate study. I've wanted it for so long, and here I am, really doing it. I'm doing it.

I'll have to see how my legs are... but I might go and eat something special, all I eat are noodles now.

Of course, tomorrow is the deadline for the first essay on the computer course... and I haven't done it yet.

But tonight... I feel GOOD, just for a little while.

Well done me!

Date: Thursday 2nd April 2009
Miguel's Restaurant, Chaiyaphym Road, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 9.22pm.

Mixed emotions at having finished DD122. I don't miss the stress of the last week of getting it sorted out, but there's less intensity to what I have to do. Really, I'm finishing up, linking stuff on the web site, I have to kind of finish archiving also.

I went up to Tesco today, thinking I'd get some bits. As usual I got almost nothing, just some potato powder and a new pair of flippies. So, that was that. I could do with clothes and a bag really.

I have plans for a bit piece of magic, I don't know how it will work out, but it's based on ideas I had ages ago.

Oh, there's nothing really. I suppose I have to get into the study now, there's more than enough work to do. God man, get on with it!

Date: Saturday 4th April 2009
Starbucks, Thaepae, Chiang Mai, About half six in the evening.

I forgot to mention a couple of anniversaries went by without me mentioning it. March 20th was three years without a drink, and one year without a smoke. Saint Patrick's day was two years since I saw my sister.

The other thing was about finding Matthews profile, as it went private while I was looking at it, perhaps I was looking at it while he was working on it. But perhaps that's a benefit of just accepting avoidance, I can let all that go (nice to know he's OK though).

Dream (of the 17th March)

Note: I had this dream just after speaking to her during a time when she had got confused.

I was in A's house. She came in and walked past me, not recognising me or knowing who I was. She spoke to a voice in her head, saying 'Just keep walking, I don't know him'.

Interpretation

A warning of what's coming; though I know this deep-down anyway.

Not really news now; I've left my usb stick at home... so a bit of a loose end as there's no wifi here. I guess I can work on Dharma Willing Plan.

I looked at my accounts last night, bank accounts that is, and realised I'm getting 0.01%, though I've opened up a new one that will pay 2%, it'll go live in a few days, which is the end of the tax year. The main things I have to do are now are:

1. Make a table showing the OU course options and start to think about that.

2. Check the last of the archiving on my usb is done and delete the files.

3. Put my lifemagic cd onto the usb

   1. Upload it to the website (I'll do that tomorrow

4. Make a magic picture

5. Finish the M150 study

6. Make a plan concerning Pai.

I don't know what else to do... without my usb I mean. I do like the Chiang Mai routine. But I don't sleep so well. This is a downside of soberiety. Laying there alone and the morning's approaching, so soon that it might just be better to get up and be done with it. All the things that alcohol masked with me are still there, namely avoidance and sleeplessness, and if I always stay sober they always will be. So my memories of people are as good as it gets... and they ain't so good.

But I can live with that, to be honest. I worry more about my finite finance nowadays, to be honest. Still, present moment....

Date: Monday 6th April 2009
Starbucks, Thaepae, Chiang Mai. 7.33pm

I had a very strange day today; I think I rattled my unconscious.

Last night I was surfing generally and looking up old theme tunes. I ended up watching the video for the song 'bright eyes' by art Garfunkel from the film Watership Down. I remember when it was number one in the charts, even though I would have been about six. It played on TV in Churchill Avenue, M's first house when I was born (though she lived in Lorraine Drive before that). I remember it being on Top of the Pops and seeing the cartoon that went with it and telling my sister (who still lived at home them) that I really liked it, and she retorted that I only liked it because it had a cartoon that went with it (never a kind word, even then). I'm not so sure why it affected me now. The lyrics are about dying. Even though I was young, I understood from the film and lyrics that it was about these rabbits that didn't understand what happened when one of them had died.

going out on the tide

or is it a dream?

there's a mist along the horizon

nobody seems to know where you go

I've got those wrong, but I'm not going to listen again, I only just got over the mood. Perhaps it was because it took me back to that time, which wasn't very happy, or perhaps because it's the first time I really thought about death? Perhaps now the J obsession has lessened somewhat, or a little, or just I've opened to the possibility that it could, perhaps what it covered opens a little also. The basic fact, or a basic fact, behind it all is that mother didn't really like any of us, at least then. She wasn't interested. She ignored us, she didn't answer when you spoke to her, or look at us or tell us anything. Harsh, at that time. But deep, deep down, didn't want us. Perhaps A took us away and didn't really want to, which is a way that I hadn't really considered it before.

A couple of other things. One, I was thinking about some unrelated thing recently, actually, I think it was here in this seat. I closed my eyes and there was a mental picture of J just waiting there. I mean, a memory, unrelated, just there waiting.

The other thing is, it takes me a long time to get asleep; it always has, but nowadays, if I'm really really relaxed, and listen very intently, I can hear a voice talking to me. The infuriating thing is that I can't recall what it says, like a dream or obe, it fades from waking consciousness quickly, which would lead me to believe it originated in the same place or something. The only specific I can remember is that the last thing it said way it was going to stop to let me go to sleep.

I got my first computing paper back, I didn't read it yet but it was 80% just over, so good.

I have to phone A soon, to see if my thing, my last soc. sci paper got there or not.

Better stop now.

Date: Monday 13th April 2009
The really nice little bakery by Old Chiang Rai Bakery, Chiang Rai, Thailand. 6.15pm.

Good day today, though I wasn't expecting it.

I phoned A. The essay arrived, and Richard sent it, and got a proof of posting, so that's all done and dusted, finished. Very, very good. Richard is Carly's partner (can you say Carlie's like you can say Charlie's?), and did I say she's pregnant? Strange as I remember my sister telling me that Carly was sterile after an illness and she'd offered to surrogate for her. Last time I spoke to A. we chatted for ages, until my card ran out, and it was a nice call.

Anyway, another thing was I checked at the bank, and my savings were earning 0.01... or was it 0.1 percent, I don't recall. But I switched almost all of it to an account where I'm allowed four withdrawals in a year, and it gets two percent. I must remember to forward a tax form for them, for this account I mean. I did that the night before I left.

I had bought my ticket up to Chiang Rai about a week before I left; of course I had to walk there and back, so it actually took me all day, but that's fine. But then I realised it would be Songkran, Thai new year, and so immigration might be closed. I kept trying to find out, but just couldn't get the information. My extension was OK until about 19, but my second entry on the visa from Vientiane had to be used before 16. Now, in Laos, visas are free until the sixth of next month... and it would cost two grand to get one more month on the two I just got. Ugh, that all conspired against me.

The day before I left, the 11th I sat in Starbucks, and it was anarchy, people throwing water everywhere. The Thais are OK about it but foreigners go too far. I was quite worried walking up to the station but it was OK. I booked the room at Sripoom for tonight and said I'd phone to confirm tomorrow morning that I'd be there, Anyway, I had to walk the long way to the station because I had to avoid all the water, and made it to the non-vip bus, which turned out to be fine. But we were dropped at a new station outside of Chiang Rai, so had to take a minibus in, and this was open, and someone threw a full bucket of water in, so I was soaked. We arrived and the little bakery was closed. I got to the usual place and checked in, dinner and slept.

Today, I went out and got the bus to Mae sai, with my rain poncho over me. It took ages to get there. Then ate and went over the border. The Burmese immigration thought it was really funny that I was wearing a poncho because it was sunny. I went to the usual place for a coffee, strolled back, back on the minibus covered in my rain poncho. Oh, the only bit of wet I got was from immigration officers coming back into Thailand, or they were customs or something. I didn't mind. I mean, the difference is mammoth, between say the aggressive, authoritarian and incompetent attitude of English customs, and Thailand where they squirt you with water-pistols. I'd been quite grumpy but cheered up and got into it a bit. It turned out I was on a roll, as at the bus station I got straight onto a bus back where I was charged the right price and the conductor used the window and foresight to protect me from soakings.

I got back and this place was open, and so this was a much better day than I was expecting.

Yearned for J, all day I notice... but I think only a bit more than usual, and I kind of.... I don't know.

Date: Friday ?17th April 2009
Sripoom House, Ratchapakini Road, North Gate, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 11.50pm.

Dream retrospective

Dream: of 12-4-09

Someone was holding a reflective piece of metal before my eyes. I wouldn't look into it because I'm phobic of reflections. She sounded surprised and asked me, 'Why? Your eyes are bigger than mine'. I looked in and saw my eyes has an area of sky blue in one of them that didn't look so good.

Interpretation

Sky blue is the name of the Japan Tobacco that I chew. For me, the eyes are an indication of health, in my belief I mean, so I take this as a warning, that I'm otherwise healthy (having big eyes) but the chew will affect me over time.

Of course, nrt gum costs so much more because of the rip-off drug industry, so I'll have to think what to do.

Thursday 23rd April 2009
Starbucks, Kad Suan Kaew, Huay Kuay Road, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 3.05pm

Dream

I was writing my diary in pen on a road, I mean, I was actually writing in directly onto the road. My brother saw and was really angry and started shouting. I scribbled some of it out into the shape of a crescent moon.

Interpretation

The moon, meaning the unconscious/hidden, and writing my dairy on the journey of my life, my life being something my 'brother' never really got nor appreciated. I don't care how he feels about anything, so I'm not certain why I dream of him at all.

Well, have I really been back over a week? Ugh. The main thing to report here has been the heat, which is absolutely awful. The room is like an absolute oven. I've made a system of freezing small water bottles which I sleep with in my groin... as there are major arteries near the surface of the skin there... really. There and under the arms are where they put ice when they're treating heat exhaustion, to lower body temperature.

They've stopped serving 'my' water at Starbucks, Thaepae. I mean, the fifteen baht Nestle water, now only sixty baht. They've done that at about half the Starbucks now, though if you ask they can often go and get one from the back. It's funny, funny peculiar, I mean. In most countries, when things take a downturn, they discount and offer promos that benefit the customer to encourage people in, only Starbucks Thailand removes or hides the cheapest things from the menu.

It's a shame, as it's easily the best place to work in Chiang Mai, there's a/c, a toilet, comfy chairs, non-obtrusive background music. Though the manager who runs it has always been quite... anal I suppose. They lock the toilet now on a periodic basis to stop non-customers using it. It's fair enough I suppose, but there's a bad feeling there now. I recall last visit that place inspired the same feelings. The last ice coffee I drank there was from her hand, so weak it was brown water and I never had one again.

But for God's sake, it's just one place you know. Things shouldn't have got to the point that it's important about this one place. I can be flexible and go to other places. I was reading in a book shop about mental causes for skeletal diseases; it was a new age book obviously. It said that the condition occours in inflexible people that give up on things very easily, and that kind of describes me.

I lost my phone. It was over Songkran. I wanted to stay in and didn't know how bad it would be but I didn't have any shopping. So I put on my rain poncho, which is almost completely in pieces now. I walked along and a foreigner said, 'What kind of fun is that'?. I also had a go at someone who soaked me. I couldn't get into the spirit of things. After the holiday was over I thought about it. It's basically a holiday which encroaches on the person; everyone gets water thrown over them and is forced to take part, whether they want to or not. That sounds bad, but when I considered it, I realised that it's better than Western holidays. Google Christmas and Loneliness for example; in the west holidays are geared towards groups and are isolating for people who are alone. I still don't dig Songkran, but what really bothered me were the 'Western Happy Police', i.e. foreigners who are criticizing people who don't get into it, because the thing to recall is that the ones that get into it are the ones who drink. Much of the effects are those of alcohol. I think that's true of many gatherings... in the west. when people are criticized for not taking part it's actually criticism for not drinking.

But, if by any chance, I'm alive and in Thailand for the next one, I will make some effort to at least get into it, at least a little bit.

Anyway, the phone. I'm pretty sure I left it in the toilet at Kad Suan Kaew. I went to dtac to ask them to phone it for me. The woman didn't understand though. Then I went up to report it missing at the information desk. Then I went to Mikes for some chips. As I was waiting for it two Thai kids came up and asked if they can use my phone. Now... what are the chances of that. Never before has a Thai person... or anyone, ever asked if they can use my phone. As I sat there eating, I realised that perhaps they had been asking if I'd lost it, so I went back to information but nothing had been handed in. I skyped it over the next couple of days, but it's gone. I bought that the day I was searched by the police in London, which was a few years ago, and it was replacing a phone taken in a mugging. Maybe I'm not lucky... then again, I did have it for a long time.

Of course, my birthday's coming up. I've has both a birthday and a new year in

Chiang Mai, so I'm not allowed to be here. I was planning to go up to Pai, but the bus trip doesn't sound very nice. I thought about moving to a month deal room with air-con, and then I could have three nights out of Chiang Mai and it wouldn't cost much more. It's quite awkward, there are free Thai visas is Laos until the sixth of June, but my visa is OK until July. But if I wait until then I will have to pay.

I walked up to Ninamemin Road, or whatever it's called, yesterday, because I'm looking for a better place to hang out in the day now. I need a/c, unlocked toilet, air con, non-obtrusive background music. It's a bit of a way to walk though.

I got an email from Martin, of the OU about my course, reminding me where I'm supposed to be with it. I'm past there, though I'm supposed to be answering the questions as I go, and I just don't work like that. But I was also supposed to be doing online tests which I haven't done.

The most important thing is to move, I think, because basically my nights are too uncomfortable to do anything other than just with there with water-spray, ice bottles, wet teeshirts and a small squeaky fan and I just can't deal with it or get anything done. I have a headache for the first three hours on waking. I think, my options are,

1. Go straight to Pai with all my bags

2. Pay for a monthly deal in Chiang Mai, with air-con, and day trip out on my birthday.

3. Pay for a week with a/c here, and make a decision about going somewhere later.

I wonder where the nearest destination south on the rail head is? I think, what I should do today is, go and eat something, then go to Buddies and do the I-ching to see if I should stay or go or whatever, then make an accommodation list of various places. Then I have a hard night tonight washing my stuff up... but that's how it goes; I've paid, I think for another two nights.

I'll feel better when I've done that, plus I'll phone back from Buddies, because it might be that post is on the way for me, and that will change things also. Yes, this is best for me. I've got a bit stuck here, and I'll focus on getting unstuck today.

My power cord for the asus started fraying; my fault because I yanked it out the wall on passing a few times. The copper started showing and I felt sick because if it breaks, the computer is useless. I tried super glue and made it worse. Come to think of it, any time I've ever used super glue for anything I've made things worse, but I anchored the lead to the body with duct tape so stop it pulling, and it's OK for now. I think perhaps if I'm careful.

Anyway, good to get everything off my chest. I'll sit here under the icy air con for a while, take a headache pill, and kfc chippychops.

I should think about doing different things, going to different places, maybe leaving Thailand for a bit. It feels like it would have been better right now if my Vietnamese extension had been OK and I'd got to China... but who knows; perhaps that was unlucky. I'll just focus on the present.

Bye for now.

Date: Wednesday 6th May 2009 (*** my birthday! (38))
Riverside Restaurant, Lampang, Thailand. 8.30ish pm.

I made it away for my birthday. So I can still say that, for every year since I was twenty one years of age, I've never spent a new year and birthday in the same place.

Quite a bit happened. I felt obliged to come away, and it was a pain having to research all the possible places. The bed was so hard that my arm started hurting. I didn't know if I'd be able to leave my bag anywhere. I phoned A, twice from Buddies. The second time I was putting the phone down and she remembered my birthday, and I felt this kind of explosion of energy in my chest, as I was thinking that this would be the first year that no one on planet earth remembered. Last year I got an email on the day itself from Mian, though this year she didn't reply after new year. Don't know how she is.

There are other bits too. I gave up on Starbucks, too much trouble. I've been trying out new places. I never did arrange a monthly rent or apartment. Perhaps it's my fate and I never will? I mean in my whole life I never will?

Getting up here wasn't so bad. I managed to get a soung thaw at Chuang Puak bus station. Then pretty much straight on a bus; I came yesterday. I planned to stay in Asia Lampang, but it was over-priced and had a blaring TV. Then I went to Kim Hotel and stayed there. I listened to Gill today, of course, I listened to 'Upside Down Thinking', and shall likely listen to another one, I would type more, but it's so hot here, and I have AC at home. So, I'm still going, and that's a good wrap-up...or as good as it gets today.