15th November 2009
Duang Daung Hotel, Vientiane, Laos. 10.22pm.
The way things are going, I'm worried to write this in case it gets lost.
Then again, I did get in a Sunday routine, of writing to DD, and it is good to stay abreast, and I would like to unload a little.
OK, so last Sunday was it? Did I go to Miguels' on that day? I seem to remember talking about leaving... but I can't have written.
The last night, I nearly went to Miguels, but couldn't find bread, and I don't like it without bread, so I ended up in Art Cafe, and it was as bad as I remember. I had about an hours sleep... No wait. I've written about all this haven't I, and the bus. I'm certain of it. I'm not online now, ugh, god, I”m so disorganised. Well, did I say I did the bus, across Thailand? It was 12 hours, I left at eight and arrived at nine. Yes, I remember writing about that. Did I lose that writing also?
I walked all around Khon Kaen looking for a place but away from dead centre there were snarling dogs and it was horrible, so I went to Chaipat for three nights. I almost finished the psychology essay and left it for a final correction.
I took the 407 bus up to Nong Khai. I got a decent sear number, but someone else took it and I ended up sitting on a tiny stool in the centre of the aisle, awkwardly hanging on, but thankfully someone got off and I was the only one in the aisle who could get a seat.
It was late afternoon and I walked right up to Prajak Bungalow, which was OK but she quoted me 240 but charged 280, I didn't notice until after I was checked in. The place was OK but the staff weren't used to Farangs, and so I left the next day.
I walked up and looked at Mam's Place, but the rooms were too open, so I went to Sawasdee, I thought for the night but it was three in the end because I've ran out of cheap places to go there. I hated it, because there's no chair, just a tiny uncomfortable stool. The bed is only one foot off the floor and the mattress is just a piece of foam.
I went straight to the cybercafe and printed out my essay, and worked on it. I submitted it on the 10th.
One day in the room I perched my case on the stool to sit on and it broke. It's madness, but I was heartbroken. I don't know why. Perhaps it was because it used to house all of my possessions in A's place, perhaps because it was once intended for J? Perhaps because it was just so damned useful or perhaps because it was, or is, so hard to replace in Asia.
I went to KFC one day, twice actually, and they remembered me. I went to Mutmee everyday. I got my first English essay back. D+ 55%, so I was shocked. I got my psychology essay back, actually on the last night in Mutmee when it was dark and everyone had gone to bed. 84% B+, just short of an A... so I was pleased, of the latter.
I got an hours sleep the last night. My bag broke twice, once in Khon Kaen, once here, the straps have snapped and I noticed today that the sides are ripped. I went to Tesco and replaced it, well, got a little case thinking that would be enough, but I couldn't fit it all in. I must try again before leaving here.
I got a tuk tuk straight over and entered no problem. On the bus some woman, Thai, snarled to her daughter about the Farang, and the driver was awful and I was overcharged again. I got in and walked here, to Duang Duang and I'd reserved it by email. To see a friendly face finally. The room wasn't ready so I went to eat in Full Moon, then came home and slept. At night I had poor pizza at Provencal, the first place I ever ate at. In the evening I tried to sort the diary out. I had over 400 pictures learning to use the camera, but somehow most of them got deleted while Digikam was transferring them. I've been trying to get them back but to no avail, I think they might be lost forever.
Today I started the next psychology work. There's another English thing to do on the 17th, I haven't looked at the website there for days.
Tomorrow I have to check out; it's too expensive, but I have a few ideas where might be more affordable. It's good to be out of Thailand, but there's just, so much work.
I won't write more today. Oh, I'll just mention, I bought some pulp fiction, i.e. Taken by Dean R Koontz, but it was such a great companion across Thailand; it had me spellbound.
That'll do... pig. Well, not pig, pet, or dear, dear diary; my only friend.
Brief Administrative Interlude
I found this dream on a scrap of paper, dated 26 Oct 09 and it's too late to include in the now finished previous diary
I was sent to a hotel to retrieve a lady worker who had been unwell. She had made a mess and seemed upset.
The hotel renovated itself and some of the bosses were offered a tour.
Someone gave me an umbrella, but it was huge and I could barely open it, though it was OK as I had my main one also.
I was using a computer and had changed the network number by mistake, so I changed it back for a faster computer.
Interpretation
I think it means I had a plan to be wholly healed by now, but am partially healed in a way that's acceptable.
Note: a few days before this I dreamed I had bought the Cannon camera I ended up buying. In the dream I was happy with it, but in the real world I wasn't.
End of Administrative Interlude
Sunday 22nd November 2009
Mixay Guest House, Vientiane, Laos. 11.13pm
Dream
I was staying in a hotel and tried to go up an escalator with a friend who looked Thai. It malfunctioned and I had to jump out before it got to the floor I wanted - I think the sixteenth.
I checked out but couldn't get anywhere - so I came back to the hotel and as I approached there were all these exploding Christmas trees everywhere, like firework trees or something. I walked up to reception and the Thai staff had a kind of eye-rolling 'Oh God' attitude, and it made me feel a bit bad. My old room had been let out and I wasn't sure where I was going to stay.
Interpretation
It's about changing my plan for New Year, giving up on Laos and coming back to Thailand.
Sunday!
I nearly forgot, but kept up the tradition.
Interesting week.
I don't recall exactly how this happened. I checked out and left a bag or something? Anyway, at one point, I went looking at the guest houses out of town. I got lost and ended up going past this big temple where there was some kind of festival. Above the entrance there was a turret with a huge bell and boys, well, monk-boys hitting it slowly. Very atmospheric, and I would have enjoyed it had I not been hopelessly lost. I ended up on the highway heading out to Thailand.
Eventually I sat to rest in a park and saw a sign for the place I was looking at.
Next day I checked out of Duang Duang (or whatever it's called) and walked right up to a place called Haenen Lao, or something like that. It was far out and I almost said no because of the dogs in the alley and the locals staring at a foreigner.
I slept there for a night. On the way there the whole alley was full of dogs. Awful dogs, barking and jumping against gates trying to get to me. The owner was asleep and I had to wake him, and he has around five dogs himself, all of whom stood barking and snarling. And the barking and snarling never stopped. One am two am four, five, daylight.
Next day I went and worked and asked Doung Duang about coming back, and it would be possible the next day. Then I went to Mixay and asked. I was wary because it's the cheapest place in town, but they wouldn't let me leave a bag, so I booked it for the following Saturday (yesterday now).
Before this, just after I last wrote, I'd been looking for a place and this American came up and asked me about my sun umbrella, because he's bought his in the states and it was too thin, though he'd had it for a decade.
Well we got chatting. My legs were in such pain I wanted to only sit down. But he seemed nice enough. He told me it was too expensive here and he preferred Chiang Mai, where he lives in top north hotel, for 4000 a month and another eight on average for electric.
He recommended a market to me, said the food hall in airport plaza is good, though I'm pretty sure he meant kad saen kew. He told me he'd bought a 'cooker' which turned out to be an immersion heater, and said he cooks eggs with it. He asked about me and I told him about my psychology degree, and he said he knew someone who knew skinner. He loves Brits because the US constitution is based on the magna carta.
Anyway, that was all that.
I went home for my second night in this place, Heanen Lao or something, woke up the owner again, and when I went in the room it had been stripped bare. Everything was gone. I went and asked him and it took a while to make myself understood, and he went off looking for it all. Then he came back and made a phone call to the cleaning woman. She thought I'd checked out and threw it all away.
He went off and came back ten minutes later with my cup, toothbrush, soap and razor, and I said I'm still missing beans, coke, washbag etc. He went off again and I saw my boxer shorts on the floor by the counter.
I went out the back and saw him going through the rubbish bins. I felt compassionate (for some insane reason) and said forget it. He said he would replace the food and coke the next day.
I lost the black wash bag I was using. That's sad as a Chinese woman gave me it, when I was on Shamian Island in Canton, so that's a few years ago now.
I barely slept due to his howling dogs. I notice two bitches are actually suckling puppies there, it's a real dump.
Next day, the cleaning woman just ignored me, and he offered to 'buy some bread'. I sighed, bowed to him and walked right up to the Thai Embassy.
Good news here. Thai visas are free again, so I should be picking up one tomorrow and I'm 2000 baht better off.
Coming back, I did the usual thing, sweet potato crisps and soda at the table outside the supermarket.
I came to Dunag Duang and did a wash. I'd expected to see a good film but had my days mixed up and so just sat there.
Next day I moved to Mixay, and was on the roof where there's building work, but then moved down to 104, where I sit now. For 200 baht, it really isn't bad.
I checked the bank statement today. I'm paying 20,000 kip per withdrawal. I didn't realise so I'd been getting ten pounds out at a time, which is ten percent.
I never got the missing photos back.
The writing tutorial started. I post every day, and my piece has had the most comments. I think there's only about ten people left now, so about half have dropped out. Two of those only posted today, when there's only a couple of days left, and two posted very basic writing, so I don't think I'm the worst perhaps (though I don't know).
What shall I do now? Well I worry in this place, Mixay, if I still snore or not at it's a bit open, but I'm happy enough for now. I did a load of psychology work today. I finished the 'personality' chapter. I think tomorrow, priority number one is get the visa, write to A. if there's a cybercafe up there. Perhaps take paper and envelope if not.
I think the next day, if I walk up to the bus station to get how the buses work and just sus out the place and see what I think about going north. I had a dream last night, about going back to Thailand and I don't know if it was wholly positive on this idea. I think once I've had a look I'll do the I ching and decide once and for all. I have a 500 baht note, so I'll change this tomorrow possibly. I don't know. I'm starting to look into the Dharma Willing Plan, about being here and going to UK and the options. I found that a Eurolines bus will be about 250 sterling and I think not go quite as far as Istanbul, so the options are a 45 pound flight to Istanbul and coming slowly through Central Asia, or just flying straight back and trying to get to the north. I don't know. I keep regretting not having seen China this trip, or at least trying North Asia. But the exchange rate was bad and I couldn't enter. I tried. I keep forgetting that at the start of this jaunt, I entered Hong Kong having only just got a computer and only just started with the OU and carrying all the things I wanted to archive, so I did achieve a lot of my life plan if not see any new countries. I should be pleased with myself; I did good!
Yes, so this week just work, think and plan. If accommodation problems arise, I have a Thai visa that can take me to April if I need it (and Dharma Willing).
Good week.
Happy.
?27th November 2009
Dream
I think I was in Eastern Europe in a hotel where the toilet was in the back of the TV, but then I realised that I had a private one and no one had told me about.
I went to a place to get money out with my credit card over the counter but there were only small denomination bills and so I refused it, then I was worried whether I had been billed and if my bank would refund me.
I went back to use the Internet and had to squeeze in a room full of people watching TV.
I had to break open a padlock I had originally bought in Perth and was surprised by how easy it was.
Then I went back to Perth and bought another padlock, but when I used it it kind of melted an had no power at all.
Interpretation
I think the first part just anchors it in my present moment and the latter is the 'meat' of the dream, that I'm doing kind of OK with the healing.
28th November 2009
Dream
I was living by myself in a house in England, owned by my mother who had died (though it was actually much nicer than my mother's house). I made friends with a black woman and we were really close but I told her that I wasn't interested in sex and I've never worked, so we lay down and hugged each other. I thought to myself how expensive England was and that I might fly somewhere cheaper. Perhaps I could stay there while the house was being sold? I invited my new friend upstairs and she came. I apologised for the mess, though it wasn't so bad. I looked out into the garden and it was really very nice. In the corner there was a wrought iron sculpture. My friend sold them for a living and she told me it was very nice and would help me sell the house.
Interpretation
Don't know.
Date: Sunday 29th November 2009
Vista wifi cafe, Vientiane, Laos. 8.57pm.
It´s losing it´s shine!
I did indeed walk right up to the bus station; it´s a lot further than in looks. As I started to go right out of town I almost decided I was in the wrong place, but kept going and eventually got there.
Already, I'd decided to not leave from there. I mean, the thought of walking up there with my bag was out the question. But I did get to look at the buses and they weren't very nice. There was even a sleeper bus to Kunming in China, but you can forget it baby!
So... I'm still in Mixay. There's a sign on the door, and all over the place, saying that if you make a stain on the bedsheet that can't be removed by washing, then you'll be charged ten dollars. I have this awful mental picture of them standing there in reception with your dirty bedsheets pointing out the stain that cannot be removed by washing.
So trust me to come home with a bottle of coke in the bag, which practically explodes when I opened it, all over the sheets and brand new mattress. I couldn't do anything about it, but nothing was said at least. The place works out at 200 baht. It was great to have somewhere definite and to be staying somewhere permanent when I started, but it's wearing thin now. The room is small, there are Asian internal windows that I might be snoring through. I'm in a set routine. Everyday, coke at the fountain, work in Joma, eat in one of three revolving places. I'm bored of it. I need to be washing somewhere. Also, with no chair in the room, it's not good to go there too early, so, as in UK, I find myself finding ways to pass time or places to go. Horrible. No. It isn't horrible. But it's boring.
I've been really down the last few days. I'm going to have a couple of St. John's Wort tonight, and another tomorrow. All I need to do is Vientiane is send cards and then there's no reason to be here. Of course, easier said than done. The last card I sent she put the stamps on for me, then put it under the counter. I insisted on seeing it, and she acted dumb, and when I pressed the issue, she acted surprised, like she'd forgotten something, pulled it out and stuck more stamps on, then ran off with it, but still I didn't get to inspect it. So that could be in the bin I'm not sure.
But there aren't really great cards here. I don't have many to send.
I've almost finished the study for this tma period, which means that December is clear, though I'll actually need to DO most pieces of work. If I study more, perhaps I can stay one month ahead the whole time?
I was thinking back the other night. I realised that I haven't actually been somewhere new this whole trip. It was all that time ago, I'd just bought the computer and started with the OU, I was smoking plastic cigarettes and carrying all the stuff I needed to archive. So I came to Chiang Mai, did the archiving, went to China but got as far as Hanoi, then went to Chiang Mai for two visa periods and came here.
Actually, I was just thinking... had I been to Khon Kaen and Phitsanulok before? Oh, what about Lampang, that was somewhere new also.
Oh, so I'm wrong on that.
But I did really want to go north of here. I kept looking into it and realised that a bus goes from Talat Sao every so often. I went over there and looked at it... and it didn't look great, plus there were no foreigners on it. It's just 30,000 and they say three and a half to four hours.
As far as I can find out, you can only get one visa extension here, that would be in Luang Prabang, if I made it that far. So if I went up to Vang Vieng I would only get a week, but perhaps could come down to do it? I don't know.
5th December 2009
Dream
I received my English essay back and the grade wasn't so bad.
I wondered what would have happened if mother had died and left me nothing.
Then I imagined what situation would be like if I was to put in jail also.
Interpretation
I have an English assignment coming up and fell asleep asking for a story as I'm struggling to come up with answers... and this is the answer.
Date: Sunday 6th December 2009
Dou Khoun 2 Hotel, Main Road, Vang Vieng, Laos. 11.13pm
Made it.
It's complicated.
I came on Wednesday, I think. I don't recall exactly. I just couldn't get the absolute information I needed. I'd been to the bus station twice to see how the buses went. I'd read from a message board that the third bus is the nicest, and a not so nice one goes at two, though I'd twice observed a nicish one going at three.
So the plan was to just go and wait and look at the buses, and if one comes before half three then get on it, and if at half three the last bus to Thailand is pulling out, then get on that and leave, so I would just leave it to fate.
The last day I'd got all my post sorted out. For A, and J, and also a note to the monastery to say what I'm doing, and one to Darren and one to Carly this year, as I thought it would be nice as usually I only ever write to her to ask for something.
I also managed to exchange my book. I got Fear Nothing by Dean Koontz, so I'm going through his backlist.
Anyway, back to the leaving day.
I left Mixay. I walked up to this alfresco place opposite Joma as it has an outdoor toilet. The bag was painful to carry. The strap broke back in Khon Kaen and I tied it, then it happened on the other side. So now I can't adjust the strap and all the weight is on my lower back. I have two bags packed in the big bag... in case the big bag breaks so I can dump it on the fly without repacking. But the lower bag is a kind of case and it's hard edges press into me and hurt.
So I sat there with a coffee, not wanting my bladder to be too full. I used the toilet. I set off again. I got as far as the main road where the palace is, then had to rest. I half thought of just dumping the big bag, it was so painful I could hardly walk. There was nowhere to sit so I rested against a wall, then carried on, thinking if I make it as far as the post office then at least I can have a proper sit down.
I made it as far as the post office... and the post office was closed. I later learned that it was National Day. Well, ironically I had already checked the calendar and noticed that the second was national day, but as usual with me, my dissatisfaction with a place had reached a crescendo and I just got up and went.
I kept walking and made it, and sat at the first available seat in the bus station. I was there about half an hour, watching the buses come and go. There was a likely looking bus in the Vang Vieng place so I moved to a seat with a better view but it turned out to be a local bus going round the city. That left at two. After that a much better looking bus came. I walked over and asked the boy who got off it and he said 'Vang Vieng'. The female conductor came and said the same thing, and I asked more questions, but realised that she could only say 'Vang Vieng'. So I sat there for half an hour. Then I went to the toilet. There was a sign outside saying 1000k. Inside it said 5000 k. I realised it was likely a scam because when I paid 2000k at the northern bus station, a crowd of people had burst out laughing. I paid 1000k as a compromise, but noticed the locals don't pay.
I went back to the bus and tried to ask the price again, when it got there, but she just held up three fingers and I didn't know if that would be three hours or thirty thousand kip. I got on and asked how much and he said forty. I showed thirty and said I'd pay that and he said OK. I wanted my bags to go below but he wouldn't allow it. I sat down and was nervous, but the leg room seemed very generous indeed and I was happy.
It was about half full when we set off. We kept stopping to let people on. Then it stopped and about fifty cases of M150, an energy drink, were loaded on. People kept getting on. We waited for ages in this place where the loading was, and we were still in Veintiane. I was scared in case they went to the northern station and even more people got on.
Eventually we drove off for about half an hour, then stopped in a kind of field. They loaded off a motor bike and we were there about forty minutes, then we were off again.
Any we pretty much carried on all the way there. It was about four and a half hours and it got dark and I got scared. This was taking longer than it should and I wondered if we'd gone past it. There was one big stop and loads of people got off and I was scared, but I just sat there.
I was hungry too. Someone on the internet had taken a photo of a place called Milan Pizza and said it was the best they had in SEA and I started dreaming about it, thinking that if I make it in time, I'll be off this bus and away from the fear and chomping down on Margarita and chips.
Eventually we stopped and all the conductors and half the bus looked at me expectantly, so I got off. According to the map we were on the wrong side of the road for this to be the bus station, and I was confused. There was a shop with a couple of guys sitting there. They kept saying tuk tuk but I couldn't work out if they were drivers as there were no vehicles present. I used the compass but still couldn't get my bearings. The guy pointed to some distant lights and said it was the centre so I kept asking. Eventually his friend pointed to a little truck across the road and said he would take me to doukhoun II for 10,000, which I though would be worth it just to know where I was.
We drove off and he took me to doukhoun I, which I didn't want as it didn't sound as good.
So he drove on and we pulled into a courtyard and a woman came out. She paid him as no one had change, then I came to see the room I am now sitting in typing. Large with a tv. She charged 60,000, about four pounds. Actually, a bit more than four pounds. So, I took it, paid her. Had a rest, then went out looking for food.
I went all around, hungry and thirsty, and did indeed find Milan Pizza and ordered the margaritas and backed potato cheese.
OH MY GOD; it was heaven. I don't know if it helped to be so hungry. Just over 35,000. Nothing really. It was so good. The potatoes were peeled unfortunately, but still, it was a very, very good meal.
I went home.
It all seemed OK but there were these noisy people running about and shouting until two am. I looked and noticed that the door stopped short of the floor by about four centimeters so it was letting all the noise in, right outside, knocking and calling. I got up and saw a young local woman and shusshed her and she apologised. Give her her dues, it was much better after that.
I lay back down but after ten minutes a cockerel started cockadoodledooing outside. I got up and closed the window, but one of them didn't fit the frame very well. I was really tired as I think I had just dropped off. I managed to pull it shut and latch it but then heard a cracking sound. I assumed the wood had broken a bit as it didn't fit the frame, but when I looked down in the full moon light, I saw the pane had smashed. I was too tired to do anything, so I just went to bed and slept.
I thought about leaving, but there was a bathroom and I had no clean clothes after being in Mixay so long, so I stayed. I didn't know whether to open the window or not, as what was left of the frame might fall out altogether, so I just left it as it was. I paid and went to the atm. There were warnings that this was unreliable, but it worked fine.
I went to look for somewhere to eat and found Luang Prabang bakery, and this first day it was fine. I finished all the psychology mind maps and linked them all to the main site. At night I always ended up going to this little two seater place with free wifi as the cybercafe was double Vientiane, which is more than Thailand again.
Is it really just four nights here? Let me check a moment.
... Yes. No, I mean. This is the fifth night. I'm going to try and go tomorrow. I found out that the hotel is about fifty meters from where I was dropped off, so I was kind of conned. There was a message from the English tutor asking how we were getting on with the tma, which I haven't started. I've tried but can't come up with anything. I need to use a printer. I used to eat down by the river, but it's so noisy there, she kept putting music on.
This is really the issue. With the tma's coming up and needing to plan, I need a quiet place with electric and good web access, and here there is neither. I started thinking of leaving a few days ago. I found a place near I was dropped off called 'bus station'. The guy told me there was a VIP bus north and south. Next day I went to get the time but he said an LP bus goes from a different station two km. north.
Today I tried to walk to it and it was too far and there wasn't transport around.
So, tomorrow it's going to be like leaving Vientiane. Go and see if I can get a vehicle to the north station, if a 10pm. bus leaves from there and looks OK I'll get on it. If not I'll come back and get to Vientiane. If there's time for the Thai bus I might go there or stay in Vientiane if I can and try for another Thai visa so I have longer options on my entry dates.
Basically I don't know what I'm doing until I do it. But I do need to stay still and work. I need to use the internet to make plans, longer term I mean. I have to go somewhere.
It's cold here, and it will be colder north, and I heard, so often, the bus up is hard and delayed and can take eight hours with landslides and breakdowns. I don't know.
If I go south, accommodation is an issue in Vientiane. If I go further south, I'll be in Thailand, and there isn't great accommodation in Nong Khai and I don't know where else to settle. I guess I could always start heading up to Pai... but the oracle said it would be better to come here for New Year.
I don't know. Where to go at anytime. I'm always me.
I read online about some woman in Britain. She was French and came to study and got a degree in philosophy from a British university, then worked here and had a son. She got too sick to work and so signed on and got housing benefit but it was stopped because she couldn't pass the habitual residency test. She appealed but they kept changing the date but she would have won as she'd been resident here all the time.
She took her son up a building and jumped off. They recorded suicide for her and murder for the son.
It all feels pointless sometimes. I'm putting myself through all this work and stress on a six year course that ends up in a degree. In the UK there are young people with good degrees from good universities and work experience who end up with nothing. I'm going to get mine, be middle aged, have no experience at all and no entitlement to any help or benefit. It's very hard to see this working out.
Oh God, but i have ideas. I'm making an effort. I got paid twenty pounds from Lulu for my sales. This covers about four years. It was nice though.
I do seem to do different things on a Sunday now. I went back to Milan today, that pizza was no fluke baby! Yeah! Oh god, this is a hedonistic place at night though. You can have the pizza with opium or marijhana or magic mushrooms. There are rarely seats in restaurants, but kind of raised platforms with backrests and pillows and people get wasted and watch the ceiling; they're not so much more than opium dens.
Yes, so that's it for now. I feel ... I don't know. Like I always feel I suppose. I watched Step Brothers earlier, that cheered me up a bit; the first TV I've enjoyed in ages.
Oh, let's see how it goes tomorrow. I need to go at least some place to get something done.
Next Day
Ugh, I didn't get up.
Well, actually, I did... wake up. I didn't make it out though. And I paid for that later. It's been a nothing day. I went to the stools in the street where there's wifi for a while. Then I had a walk over to this supermarket, well, a shop with the lights on and prices, which is rare in these parts. I had a coke outside, inside the TV was blaring and on the roof there was building work. It was interesting watching the woman outside making ice drinks for passers by. They were kind of made in a liquidiser. For example, a Lao woman ordered one and it was ice and watermelon. Then it was cleaned out with tap water and not dried. Then a foreigner ordered a banana one. From what I could tell, it was banana, condensed milk, sugar and ice - but he would have got some tap water in that also. Ugh.
So I walked along right by the river, and up past a temple, it was kind of a mindful walk and I was cheered up by the time I was back on the main drag, so I sat in Luang Prabang bakery and did nothing. I craned my neck for a while and saw some of 2012 but couldn't get into it. Then I went to another place and watched Friends, the one where the women learned to play poker. Then I came back. It's ten and a half at night or so. I feel awful, emotionally I mean. I think it's a mixture of things. Part of it is chemical, I was reminded of this when I took a St. John's Wort recently and noticed the huge difference. It's also the pressure of the looming exams and not having any work done, the pressure of needing to plan the trip to do my exam and decide what I'm going to do. Also, the horrid neon light in the room, the crowing cockral that keeps me away, weeks on end with no human contact. Well, I mean all my time with no contact, no conversations, no emails. The cold is getting to me. Tomorrow, the plan is to do what I planned for today, just try and get somewhere better. Perhaps I should try and listen to a podcast, but I only have so many and I don't know how long I'll be travelling if I manage to get out.
I know it's mid-week. I just wanted to offload to DD, rather than spill all my emotions to an Osaka ghost as I usually do, every day.
Date: Friday 11th December 2009
Full Moon Restaurant, Vientiane, Laos. 8.26pm
Dream
I was working in a popular newspaper office and had to deal with the post. A letter arrived from Junko, written to the newspaper. She was writing in reference to some Japanese think; I think it was about an anime character. I was both shocked and happy at the coincidence. On the rear of the envelope was her return address in Japanese. I photographed it so I would have a copy. I decided not to write but was happy just to have it...
Interpretation
It's old news, that I've worked out it's not really about wanting her.
I couldn't wait again. Gee, what if there's nothing to write about on Sunday?
I did leave that place the next day.
I checked out and went to the little shop where I was originally dropped off, and a guy wanted far to much money to go to the north station, so I walked onto Luang Prabang Bakery and had a coffee, which is something I rarely have outside now, and the girl there told me it would be five to ten thousand to ride or I could walk.
I went out and asked and it was twice that and I argued and ended up getting there, and I was actually a bus station proper. The Luang Prabang bus was there waiting, and express, basically, it was the same as I had come from Vientiane in, so I thought that would be OK perhaps?
Then I looked and saw the fixed prices for the Vientiane bus from there also, same price back, but also VIP and express. I checked with him when the buses would come and go and was all sorted, though it was too late to go then.
I had to walk back. I was hesitating quite a bit as I thought I might go straight back to Vientiane. It was so hot and so far and the bag is broken with the straps tied and it pulls on my shoulders. I kept walking and checked in Sisovang. She charged fifty thousand, then I filled in the form and realised I'd been overcharged.
The next day I was unwell, like a bruised feeling and head pain. I'm too old to walk around with a broken bag in the sun. I recovered slowly.
There isn't so much to do there, in Vieng Vang. I mean, there's no decent place to work or anything, and it's cold at night. The shops rarely have prices and you get charged a different price by the same person each time you go in. Once I bought a can of coke in the day and then it was more about three hours later. Madness. The shops also have very few things there. It was generally unpleasant.
I bought a piece of bread every day from the bakery. I think the friendly girl noticed there was something 'wrong' with me. She was standoffish but sympathetic.
I was thinking about things and realised I would have to go to immigration the day I arrived as my visa expires on a Sunday. So I went in a couple of travel agents to get the price of an extension, neither of them spoke English, and the next two were completely unstaffed. I then found a woman staffing one, who said it wlil be three dollars a day and i can extend forever, which sounds odd. I went to another place and the guy wouldn't even look away from his screen or acknowledge me. I went somewhere else and got the price in dollars, but in converted very strangely into kip. I went online and found out that I wouldn't be able to extend in LP myself, it's only via Vientiane, and so it would be cheaper to leave the country and come back. So I decided to do that.
Next day I checked out and walked two kilometers to the station. It was hot and I was in a lot of pain. I checked with the guy where the bus would come and waited.
An hour after it was late I asked him and he said engine trouble, with for the one pm one. I waited and at two there was nothing so I asked him again and he said it was in a crash and in the police station. Then he tried to sell me a VIP ticket and I realised I was being scammed when he said the only other option was 5am the next day.
So I walked two kilometers back, after a detour to the river to see sck guesthouse, which turned out to be poor value.
So I checked back in and now really was ill. I rested but my body wouldn't stop paining me. I went out and there was no medicine other than a glucose drink, so I had that. I tried for food but it took too long so I walked out and hated me, then got bread in a bag half the size of the loaf so it fell out in the street, and I just went to bed. It took the last of my ibuprofen to be able to sleep.
Today I checked out, walked up to the road and waited, and got on the bus, which I'm sure was going the day before. It stopped halfway where the toilet was a road, then I got off and walked to Lovan which was full, and checked into syri 1, where the bed is like a piece of concrete. I'm not sure what I”ll do tomorrow. I could have a last day or not. Obviously, Luang Prabang is off the cards, I really don't like it here any more. But where else to settle. I was meant to be up there for work and planning, and now I'm not. I can do it in Nong Khai I suppose, but there aren't any great places to stay. I don't know what to do. I'll have to stay there until at least Christmas just to get the work done. Possibly get some deal on an apartment, that's on the cards, but i don't know if it's full of not. It would cost me about six pounds, say 360 per night for a week or 280 per night for a month... so perhaps I could get it for 320 per night for a fortnight? So at least I'd be somewhere nice. I'd have to stay elsewhere for just a night, perhaps down by the river, I don't know, I exhausted all the options in Nong Khai. Perhaps just a night in Mutmee... and move on up the river from there, then see about the apartment the next night, or day or whatever, then go back. I could perhaps get another single entry Thai visa before I leave, and that will see me through until I leave Asia next time (dharma willing), or perhaps not? I think yes, because I might end up in Bangkok applying for onward travel visas... depending on OH GOD, I just want to relax.
I just had a thought, because it's short term I need to focus on. I think if I go to the apartments tomorrow and pay full price on one, if available, then say if it's OK I'll talk about an extension the next day at a better price. I think that way I don't have to rough it the next day. I can walk up to Tesco (if it's worked out) and get loads of shopping and money and stop going out. If I stay in and work and watching TV can be my break... and there's wifi also.
But what if the price is more because my bag is there, on my back I mean and I'm covered in sweat. Much better to stay elsewhere.
Maybe get off the bus and start walking to Mutmee, yes, that's best, then walk up. Maybe stay here tomorrow and work. But Oh God, that bed tonight. What if I can't walk tomorrow. My shoulders hurt; it feels like they're broken.
It's half nine. I think, perhaps, if I just leave here and look for another snack. Hmmmm. where can I get a snack? I don't know. Perhaps Nazim? I don't know. Oh, I just want to live somewhere pleasant and be alone. I want to stop thinking. Thanks for listening DD.
Ugh, and she's never, never, never out of my mind.
What is wrong with me?
Date: Sunday 13th December 2009
Khiang Khong Guesthouse, RimKhong Road, Nong Khai, Thailand. 10.32pm.
I'm out. Left the last day of my visa, and so did indeed make the full month.
That guesthouse was quite, not great, though it had a lot of character. On the way back from the bus the last day I wrote, back from Viang Vieng I mean, I'd debated whether to stay in Vientiane for a day or leave straight away, and I just kept walking. Lovan was full so I went to Sryi. There were various reasons. I wanted to either spend or change the Laos money. Also I wanted to change my book as there isn't really a bookshop for fiction here. But it was closed. As it turned out, Full Moon do a free book exchange, so I got Door to December for nothing.
The first night in Sryi wasn't so bad. It was quite nice sitting up reading the book. The next day I was again in two minds right up to the line whether to stay or go to Thailand, or find another hotel, but I paid again in the end. The whole of Laos was like that for me; I never knew what I was doing until I decided at the last minute.
The main advantage was advance buying a bus ticket and changing money. I spent most of the day reading as I just didn't want to go out. But then I walked up to the station but as it turned out, you can't advance buy tickets, so there went any chance of breakfast the next day.
I went to Swedish Bake House and just drank coke. Vientiane is hosting the ASEAN games at the minute, so it's full of idiots. Anyway, I sat there for a while trying to decide what to do. The plan had been a full days work in Joma. In the end I went to Joma and did nothing. The waitress came and asked if I was OK and I said yes but asked why and she said I look very sad. I think perhaps I look sad when I'm thoughtful.
I went to the cybercafe to make a booking at Mutmee. I'm pretty sure Julian answered, he's really friendly on the phone (and everywhere). But it's booked for weeks. So I wasn't sure what to do. I ended up phoning Khiang Khong. The woman answered. Same as last time, only ac doubles but perhaps a single if there's a checkout, so I said I'd just take the cheapest available, same as last time. When I gave my name she remembered me, and I wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing.
I walked up to MPoint Mart and had a coke, then down to Riverside Mart for last shopping. I was trying to work it out that I would spend the kip and not need to change me last fifteen dollars.
I went home and read. There was a really friendly Scottish woman who passed and asked if I couldn't sleep and I said I was just reading. I went to bed and there were two people watching football downstairs. I could hear every sound, and occasionally as I approached sleep, the 'Come on! Come on! Come on!' got my relaxation. By the time the game was over it was 2.30am. and I lie there for half an hour and gave up and read for a while. I realised that the incessant mosquito that wouldn't be repelled by chemicals was actually bedbugs. I caught one and let it go and watched it crawling up the wall.
I packed and shaved, then lie there until five, and read for an hour. I think I dropped off for half an hour about six am. I got up and had a coffee at the table. I had a giggling fit but can't work out why and the cleaning man ran up thinking I'd burst out crying.
I walked out to the station. I have three bags. The broken main backpack, with my shoulder bag inside and a waist bag inside that, then a metal case and a black case with valuables and the mundane things I needed, eg. book. So I bought my ticket with a mixture of kip and baht and ended up with 3500 kip left.
A huge cartoon character with a no smoking sign walked round and gave the locals leaflets about not smoking. A woman came and put no smoking stickers up. This is all because of the games. A van full of foreigners turned up and I watched them all get out and disseminate. I looked at their bags and tried to decide what I should aim for. Most backpackers have a big backpack at the back and a little one reversed over the front. It doesn't look so comfortable though... though I can't continue with the set up I have now. That bag I bought in Tesco broke already, after less than a month. I really do need to shop.
The bus came and I approach. A Thai guy came and was telling me to put my bags on the other side. I couldn't understand and a farang came and explained it to me. On the bus it turned out I was sitting with him. It was a Lao bus rather than the Thai one, which had been full (I'd waited two and a half hours). We got chatting. He was from Wales, just near Cardiff but now lived in Singapore. He looked about 45 and wore a white fishing hat. Very softly spoken person. He'd hired a bike and had cycled all around.
To my right were two Pakistanis. One of them asked me where Myanmar was, I said 'It's Burma' but he didn't understand and took my arm and spelt it out. I said north of Thailand. Later he asked me for a map and when I told him I didn't have one, he thought I didn't understand and kept spelling it out.
We arrived and my bags were with the Welshman. I just realised now, it was just out bags on that side of the bus and we were the only foreigners. He got his bag out and said it had been tampered with. I didn't check mine, but there wasn't really anything worth stealing. It all seems OK now I'm unpacked.
I had a five baht coin from all that time ago and used it for the toilet, then sat with the last of my coke and had a rest, then started walking. I stopped for food at 7-11. The cashier seemed to remember me and asked where I had been. She kept saying 'remember' and then I realised that it was the woman that used to clean at Sawasdee Guest House. Funnily enough I'd asked after her the last time I was there and he told me he'd let her go. It's nice to be remembered but she didn't speak enough English for a chat. But, she looked AWFUL. I shouldn't say as I don't look good myself. Perhaps it was the light. But her face was grey and teeth misshapen somehow. She was ten years older, so bad I wondered if she'd had cancer or something, as before, she was quite attractive for about 45.
I kept walking and got in to the guesthouse. The guy was there and asked if I'd made a booking. He never smiles so it wasn't overly welcoming, but I paid, got two cokes and went up. I had half a coke and fell asleep for two hours. I woke up and was drowsy for about half an hour but then finally got a proper wash done. I am VERY happy with this room, it's a double rather than like the last twin, so I have a lot more space.
So here I am. Obviously I have to spend most of the time on the next essays. I do have to get ahead and finish early as both courses need the last essays to be posted. I need shopping tomorrow. I need to make my exit from UK and next courses plan also. Finish the very last archiving eg. the J pics and FYS Archive dvd, and I have wifi to get on with that, so it's nice. Not sure of the longer term plan. I think perhaps I should try and get a monthly deal on an apartment. Laos just didn't work out like I thought. I might need to go back for a night to get a last Thai visa, depending on my plans. Oh, I must work out my 2010 astrology also. Perhaps I'll go up to Pai finally?
Anyway, very happy today, at the moment, comfy and clean. I wanted to talk a bit more about stuff, but I'm still tired.
Sunday 20th December 2009
Khiang Khong Hotel, Rim Khong Road, Nong Khai. 11.14pm.
Good week. Very good week. It feels like I've been here for much longer, but it was a really good week and I got a load done.
I don't remember the order. I've drafted about half the creative writing piece. I also got my notes for the psychology essay sorted out. So I'm generally making time.
I've been in Mutmee almost the whole time. Sometimes I'm there eight or hours straight. I've learned quite a bit more about the place since I've been there, which is becoming one of the few places I feel completely at home. The guy I thought was Julian isn't Julian. I mentioned this other one before, the loud talkative one. He came and sat with me the other day, mainly because he wanted some tabacco; he's just 'given up' smoking. But as it turns out, he's just some English drifter who works there. The first day I came back he came and asked if we'd spoken on the phone and so that was how we talked.
The real Julian is an older guy, quite effeminate but acually married to Pai, a Thai woman. Oh yes, I got all the gossip now. He's half English, half Palestinian and from Cheltenham but left because it was too conservative. He likes theatre.
A new woman turned up called Sophie, she's going to be the new receptionist. She was speaking one night to a couple of English teachers, who were lamenting that there's no discipline in Thai classes..l. so perhaps teachers are the same wherever you go.
Julian explained the job to her. She has to go and get another visa and pay for it herself. I didn't catch if it's paid or not, it might just be free accommodation, but they do get the tips. They all work on a tourist visa, but apparently the police know there are farangs working there, and it's better because it's better to second guess people from your own culture, which is why he does it. He pointed people out, and about half the people there were either staff or ex staff.
There are a few other people who don't fall into this all-inclusive atmosphere. There was a Japanese couple who stayed for a few days. There's this guy who's been there for a few months. He's early twenties and has an Islamic style beard, but white, so comes across as Jewish. He never speaks. Not only that, but I noticed that he never actually looks up or has eye contact with any one. He sits at the table and makes his own food. He made a friend of an older man some time back but they only ever played in silence.
Yes, to that's the Mutmee gossip.
I went up to Tesco twice. They know my order at KFC now (only fries). The starbucks people are as arrogant as ever.
I caught up on all my mundane work, and today managed to work out the astrology for the coming year, as I have to make plans for my uk return and Dharma Willing plan.
Date: 25th December 2009
MutMee Garden, RimKong Road, Nong Khai. 2.41pm.
Dream
In the dream I had previously called and spoken to Junko, and was thinking I must do so again. Not at that very minute, but there was a kind of urgency about it, that now it was time and I should decide reasonably soon when I should do that.
Interpretation
I've had the previous dream, not so long ago, that I had spoken to her, and I do feel this unusual urgency, to speak to her, I even mentioned it to her in the new year card I sent.
It's mad isn't it? It's fifteen years now. I've realised, or perhaps not realised but accepted, that it's all a dream. The whole obsession was a smoke-screen in my mind to protect me from the fact of how damaged I am in my mind. I don't know anyone nor have I ever, I've never really got anywhere and am not capable of and I had this little piece of non-sustainable reality in Perth, but I still didn't get anywhere, there was only the feeling that it was possible.
So what good would it be to know her now? She'
s normal. She's worked and got somewhere. It wouldn't be good to meet her as it would just highlight how damaged I am, always have been, damaged in a way that that can't be repaired. The real peace is just accepting that and living with the associated emotions, both freedom and relief and regret and yearning and that is how it all is and if anything is supposed to be any different that I have faith that in my broken surrender I will be shown my path.
---
OK, so how am I? Not a bad day I suppose. Last year I was sitting in Louisiana, freezing cold, then walked up and had a sandwich with a bloody tissue in, and sat in the evening, bored.
This year I walked up to a recommended market, which was boring. I sat in the park but a ladyboy came and bothered me. So I came here and had a very nice Pad Thai and a baguette. I tried to use Skype to speak to A on Xandros, the native linux of my computer, and it wouldn't work, so currently I'm downloading it for Ubunto, eeebunto I should say, which I'm running of my usb, and I've set the sound up and I'll give it a go from there.
It's been an OK few days. I feel the pressure of the essays mounting. I'm kind of OK in the hotel, but get the feeling that they don't like me, mainly because I leave at midday and they're waiting for me when I go out each day.
I get irritable when I'm under pressure I notice. This Swedish guy checked in. I've only spoken to him briefly. He started to get on my nerves as he has some idea that turning the fan on full blast will keep mosquito's away. So he puts it on at seven at night and it's too cold to sit here. Not only that, but he plays Abba and the BeeGees and makes loud phone calls and is a know it all (Ah, to be a Christmas Grump... Sour Puss Grumpy face! Sour Puss Grumpy face! Sour Puss Grumpy face! ). He was in Laos and someone stole his computer, and so he came to Thailand and bought another one. Then he went back to Laos and saw a local using his computer, so he went and called him a thief and was beaten up and ended up in the hospital getting his head stitched up. The other day he thought he recognised this old guy and they got chatting, but by the time they realised that it was a mistake and they had never actually met, they were both sitting down together and had ordered food. They ended up talking about memory, and he, Swedish guy, searched the internet and decided that Parmesan cheese causes it.. because the guy had ordered cheese and he found some website that said this can be possible.
They, the management, put Christmas decorations up a few days ago. The 'real' Julian came up and introduced himself and shook my hand. He asked me about myself and I told him about the OU. Then I had to move while they put the tinsel up and I got back and there was a free soda for me as all ceiling-gunge had fell in mine.
Oh God, Skype is taking ages to download. If it doesn't work... I don't know. I haven't spoken to A since Chiang Mai.
I sat there sewing up my boxer shorts last night, while watching Aliens II. It's quite hard to stitch as the cloth had come away from the elastic, and of course, there's more cloth than unstretched elastic. It worked out OK, kind of. We're talking about Jockeys which I bought in India, so it's perhaps six years old. If the repair falls apart, I'll throw them away. If they last as long as England then I've done well.
I want to get magick sorted out over the festive week. I bought art things and made a start the last time I was in Nong Khai, and so it's ironic to bring them back. I have some new ideas, and I think at least this goes quite well.
I must also think about how I will get back to Asia from UK after my exam. I finished working out the astrology for 2010, so I will need to think about tickets. I don't know whether to get a ticket straight back of go via Central Asia. I worked out the money and I have just about enough to June, that means, my own money lasted all this time, but then I start on the main amount, and with low interest rates there hasn't really been any compounding interest. Perhaps I should fly straight back? What about a new passport? Do I need other visas in Bangkok first, I mean will it be easier to get them there? Oh God, it's so much work.
