Dharma Willing Journey

Overwhellmed in Thailand 2009

noreply@blogger.com (lifemagic) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 17:34:00 +0000

Dream - ?27th August 2009
I looked at my hand and there were chili seeds under the skin. I felt I should cut it out
later
I was living on a hill and M. came to visit. I had to dry all these bar towels and washing. I saw a gold sovereign ring that Brian had given me and asked M. to keep it safe for me.
I went to the hotel and [can't read the rest]

Interpretation
First part is dietry advice, as I eat an almost impossible amount ofchilli, the rest is a fragment.

little letter to Junko Imanishi 090909

Dream 13 September 2009
I phoned J and had also phoned her a long time ago previously - but had trouble remembering if I actually had - a thought which would continue beyond my waking

Interpretation
Thought it was a fragment, but had a similar thing later in the week, same thread, read on.

Dream fragment: 15-09-09
I went to a shop called 'photohut' but did NOT buy a camera.

Dream fragment: 16-09-09
My gums were bleeding

Dream, ?19th September 2009 - Chiang Mai Thailand
I was in a restaurant in Istanbul, which was the last place that I had tried to phone J. [I remembered this part last, and initially recalled the restaurant without being able to recall where it was or its significance].
I was speaking to A and she was trying to open me up about my life. I started crying and admitted that all I ever really thought about and cared about was her and everything that I ever did was on the basis that I may be with her one day.
Before this point I think I had phoned her. It links to the dream earlier in the week, recalling an (untrue) memory that I had phoned her and spoken previously.
I kept thinking about Portugal as I write this, I mean, where I went when mother died.
I think perhaps... H had a death in the family?

Dream 21 September 2009
I was in a shop and found Thai bottles of St. John's Wort - but noticed that it was in a bottle with things like, pieces of metal and powder in compartments with other things I didn't want.

Interpretation
???

Dream fragment: ?26 September 2009
A. told me my mouth was turning yellow.

Dream: 7th October 2009. Thailand.
I was in an old people's home. I knocked on someone's door and asked if I could stay. They said yes. Inside was actually a multi-generational faamily. I made a mess using the bathroom after I'd slept there. The daughter started to get suspicious of me. I stayed there for a few days I think but felt unwelcome in that room and kind of hung sround the complex generally and tried to blend in.
All of a sudden the Chinese police turned up and started running about, trying to clear people away, obviously expecting something to happen. Then a guge meteor hit, as big as a person, right by me. I touched it before they got to it and I had the intuition that it was to do with football somehow. The police got to it but lost interest soon because it wasn't what they were looking for for some reason.

Interpretation
I think this dream says I'm too happy growing old too soon. When I look into my mind and think of my future, if, dharmawilling, it's simple, owning not much, perhaps a job in academia somehow, then I've kind of accepted it. But obviously my mind thinks there could still be a surprise before I get my pipe and slippers.

8th October 2009 Dream
I was out at a kind of 'busy public place', and bought an Olympus camera on impulse. I walked along with it and used it to try and capture a really beautiful Oriental scene, but couldn't get it to do so. Also, all of the display information, like aperture and frame number etc. kept disappearing.
I kept walking and went past this kind of exhibition which was about space and there was a kind of exhibit called 'What's going on on Mars right now', which had a live webcam to the red planet somehow.
I went past this into a waiting room of an airport, to get onto a plane. It was about half full. The pilot started talking over the loudspeakers about how he was a really good pilot and he would get us there safely, and I felt a little scared but kept repeating the word 'trust' to help me let go. Before me, two groups of unrelated women started doing an exercise or something like a series of prearranged movements. One group of them was on the right and one group were on the left. When they saw what the other group were doing they all realised that they had something in common and went over and hugged each other.
I got on the plane and I'd been assigned on a seat right at the back between two people and it was so tiny that I couldn't get in there, no way, as so I said so. The lady in the aisle seat offered to move seats but I said it's fine, I would just either lie down, as it was in the cargo part of the plane and they were transporting mattresses, or I'd just walk about, though I did feel a little deflated when the pilot announced it was a fifteen hour flight.
Then I was at A's old house in England. G. came past and went up to his old room and I just ignored him.
On TV there was something about terrorists and one of them being interviewed. Then it cut to this really liberal family in England who just let their children do what they wanted to do, and the kids were out playing under bridge happily, in a stream. It looked bad at first, but when the camera got closer I realised that it was nice, the water was really clean and the children looked really happy.
Then the camera cut to the parents of the children, walking down the street. the narrator said he was ex-army but the camera panned and I saw by the advertising logo on the side of his van that he had started a new age holistic business and had transformed his life into what he wanted it to be. I suddenly felt very good when I realised that I can do anything that I like as my mind can create any situation and I just know that my mind can create it. I felt grateful and privileged and prayed that wherever I go, in this life and the next, that I would always know thisprivileged information.

Interpretation
The camera could be a literal thing as I'm torn on whether to buy an Olympus right now or not. I've just remembered that when I realised that it doesn't work so well (in the dream) that I just found the international warranty taped by the lens and thought that it would do for now.
Not being able to take the picture of the Asian scene could bean extension of this -- or it could be a realisation that I have tried to create some sustainable life in Asia where I live here and have no contact with the West, for fifteen years now, and I just can't do that. It would seem that, for now at least, there has to be some link to the West.
I think the webcam on Mars symbolised far off dreams and goals.
Going to the waiting room there's sudden trust in me and two groups on opposite sides of the room As I write this, [from my notes taken just after waking] I recall that on the left side they were Western,on the right they were Arabs, and they suddenlycome together. I think it shows inner trust in the creating power of my mind that the spiritual exercises -- to face the life challenges symbolised by being on the plane and fought it a littlebut being able to adapt and take it in my stride. [So the two groups of women, left and right, Arab and western are symbolising brain lateralisation is what I'm saying].
Then in England I think my magical lifecourse is compared to the static sensibility of my ex-brother, whom was once an authority figure. Now I have the self-creativity lifestyle. It looks bad at first, but then I realised it's actually good and feel veryconfident because although my ultimate plan is vague == I am feeling confident and enjoying the creation.

Date: Sunday 18th October 2009
Miguel's Restaurant, Chiyapoom Road, Chiang Mai. 8.51pm.

There's a lot that happened, but I feel a lot less overwhelmed than when I started.

I'm typing in the cloud and I don't recall if I've covered any of this.

The overwhelmed part was quite a while ago. I knew I wanted to start both courses and so went online to try and get the coursebooks for my next psychology course. An absolute angel contacted me and got a copy of the four main ones off her friend, and so I make a start. Because I was worried about how much work would be involved I just studied like mad basically, which is why there was the overwhelmed feeling. I mean, I had over 1000 pages just with the advance books I got and I didn't know how many more there would be, so I was working like mad and worrying.

Of course I didn't know if I'd get on because the funding I was going for was well over a thousand pounds. I had to give quite complicated instructions to Carly concerning the application.

Then she emailed me that something had come from the OU and shall she open it. I said yes and it was the registration forms which had to be signed and returned, or, the letter said, it can be done online. I tried online and couldn't find any idea of how; it wasn't like the last time.

At this point I basically though it had fell down and was all over; I mean I wasn't on, because, now I recall it was the day before the courses started, both of them on the same day. I remember the day now, 2nd October, Ghandi's birthday actually. I sat there inDarats in the afternoon and felt bad, but also felt relieved as it was starting to feel like so much work and a weight was being lifted off my shoulders. I thought it out in my mind, a year off from all these deadlines.

But sitting there I realised that it was just not good enough as I hadn't tried, I mean, I hadn't done everything I could. So I went to the phone at the place that used to be the French restaurant. I phoned. The funding wasn't quite enough but I had to pay another fifty, and I completed the registration for both courses online, and it was all done and dusted. I was on.

It took a few days for the books to be available, but I've had a look through, and actually, it all seems more than doable. It's hard and complicated, but I'm ahead at the minute and starting to answer the tma's already.

It got a bit harder where I live. There was some building work going on and they moved the builders next to me. There was shouting and laughing until about four in the morning. I actually complained and they were moved. Just as they went these loud Thai people came, and when they went this French guy, who plays TV so loud he must be deaf, moved right next door. He's still there, though last night he was relatively quiet; I think perhaps he never realised that there was someone living there.

I still don't have any camera. I've come so close though. I've been up to airport plaza now that if the guy sees me, I mean the guy who drives the shuttlevan, he beeps. I almost bought a Samsungbut when I looked there isn't any settings memory. They guy at IT city tried to push an Olympus on me. It looked OK but in the shop I couldn't get it to take a sharp picture. I looked into it and most of the reviews say that the pictures aren't sharp. It's a shame as there was actually a worldwide guarantee with it.

I was looking at Pantip, and met this Australian who just broke hisLumix. He said the guarantee's aren't worth anything. So at some point you just put your money down and hope for the best. We only spoke for a couple of minutes, but I think it's the first conversation I've had for a good few months.

I went up to immigration and got another month. I thought I lost my credit card that day and rushed home, but it was OK in the end, it was with my computer.

I speak with A through/via skype now; it works out much better, and cheaper also. I asked her about the envelope I sent back, with my documents in and she is insistent to keep it and I get very nervous because there's nothing she has ever looked after really. The receipts I have here for the hostel, are home printed. I didn't realise, but of course I put them in my folder and the ink came off and left terrible stain on my 20 year old first name change certificate and the only bit of paperwork I have to send my last exam in i.e. the tma form.

Anyway, that's done and can't be changed. I'm working on getting the documents to Carly's. This isn't the real news. The real news is that the baby came, Carly's I mean. A doesn't know when. It started out a home birth but she had to go to the hospital but they got it out. It's a boy and they called it Joseph, pretty certain that's after my mother.

I installed ubunto onto a usb.

Whoah, what a transition eh?

But I did. I'm quite proud of myself. I'm still getting it to work and looking into it, but I'm very happy overall.

There are lots of other things that have happened, the details, but really I don't recall. The main stuff is here.

I'm going home. Thanks for listening, dd.

20th October 2009

Dream

I was at the Grovsner Centre shopping in Northampton. There had been some kind of riot and the windows of a children's shop had been smashed. I met my sister outside but she couldn't tell me what had gone on.

I walked on alone and went in an Arab shop. I saw some cheap bits and bobs but nothing great for sale and so didn't buy anything.

I went on to the doctors. She was English and knew I was there for a valium prescription. We chatted a bit; I really liked her and almost told her about my other issues, but in the end decided against it, though it was good to know she was there should I ever change my mind or need her.

Interpretation

The damaged centre is my damaged childhood in the UK, and my siblings being of no help. The Arab shop are my attempts to take on an Asian identity.

Not sure about the doctor part. It could mean how I have tried to heal more of the absolute essence of the issue, or it could be more literal and mean I should concentrate more on a mundane support network.

Date: Sunday 25th October 2009
Miguel's Cafe, Chaiyapoom Road, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 7.02pm.

Yes, seven days later, same time same place, I'm in a routine. It is, work, work, work and have the weekend off, well, not off but I treat myself. On Saturday, I go to Girasole for a pizza. Sunday I come here. So, it's kind of a routine, even though I've only done it two weeks now.

It would be nice to do this though regularly, wouldn't it? I mean, speak to dd? I'd like that as then I'm not doing these huge retrospective updates.

So, what have I done? I started putting some of the photos ofJunko in Perth at Lulu for storage. It's funny isn't it, but even now after everything, I feel down when I look at them. But I'm always trying to protect these things, that's what growing up in A's house did for me.

I installed eeebuntu operating system, not permanently, but off a usb. It took so many attempts, then I had the wrong distro. I've finally got the one I want, but it's finicky and I'm still learning it. Oh, it took so long to download all my software yesterday, really, a silly amount of time. So, the jury's out on this one.

I've drafted both of the first tmas for the university. It is very hard in a way as we were then told to do this English writing at the last minute and I'm still doing it now.

Mian wrote, twice. Once to say help. once to say she wanted me to write. She uses facebook now and her married name, which is great.

There's more, but it's hot here. It's funny how I never feel like working in this place.

Oh, I walked up to arcade for a bus ticket and leave for Mai Sai on Friday, so I'll only get two weeks from then, but suppose I could stay about a week when I get back and then make it over to Vientiane. The options are to come back straight away, which the oracle doesn't like, or carry onto china. Come back but go to

Date: 31st October 2009

Dream

I was a commander of a submarine, sinking English ships

Interpretation

Concerning the bitterness I have about my past, oft picked up by my mindfulness practice.

Date: Sunday 1st November 2009
Miguel's Restaurant, Chaiyapoom Road, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 7.22pm.

Yes, it's the Sunday diary time again; I do indeed have a schedule. So, in the last seven days, what have I done?

Mian wrote a couple of times. I don't know if she's got past the usual, I didn't check the last message, but it's there on facebookwaiting for me.

Didn't speak to A. I don't want to have to discuss this damned envelope.

Yes, I made it up to Mae Sai. The night before I got up really early so I would be tired. Of course, it didn't work. I had about two hours sleep. But as usual when there's a deadline, I did manage to get up. I took the absolute minimal stuff and walked up to 24 hour Burger king, but it was closed. I walked to Micky Dee's, but it was far too warm, so I walked right up to San Francisco, which is a kilometer and a half, but that was closed, and I finally got a sit down in a bus shelter. Then I walked the rest of the way and got on the bus.

It was two classes on one bus. Of course, I was in cheaper class in the back. It was noisy, but better than usual. I started reading Phantoms, by dean kroontz or something. Fun book. I forgot how much I live recreational reading. I was able to go toilet inChiang Rai and then we were there.

Of course, there was a Friday late bus back, but it was sold out, so I got a ride into town and ate at North or whatever it's called. I'd pretty much decided to go back to Chiang Rai but checked what the oracle had said and it was adamant that I stay in MaeSai, so I went onto look and walked up this side street and ended up checking in at Blue Sky Apartments. The woman didn't speak English but I got something that seemed reasonable for 200. I went back to immigration to find that it would open at 7am. Then I had to go back to the station to get the ticket for 9.45 the next day. Though I was fine.

Then I came back and passed a coffee place with wifi. They sold coffee and nothing else, and so I had to pay for something I didn't drink, but the wifi was good. Then I walked home.

I had to walk through a market and a farang on a motorbike asked me where I was staying as he'd missed the border, and so I told him and he drove on. I got back and he was there talking Thai with the woman. He gave me a light for the mosquito coil and asked me where he could find some loose women, though I think he was joking.

I went up and the basic room was actually very nice indeed, comfort-wise. Actually, it was the first nights sleep I had in a long time. I mean proper rest. The Chiang Mai place is so noisy, people slamming doors all night. It doesn't stop until around two, and by the time I get to grips with the usual insomnia the sun's coming up. Yes, so in Mae Sai I could get some catch up.

Next day I left about seven and left Thalland. Guitar Cafe, where I sit and have coffee was closed, so I just wandered around and by the time I came back it was still closed. I left Burma after about fifteen minutes. As I walked back to immigration, the guy was just dealing with my passport. I reentered Thailand on a visa waiver and got until the 14th.

I had breakfast at North (or whatever), then came back. Back on the bus I was seated by a young woman who looked at me and kept her mouth and nose covered for the whole journey (not the first time when I've travelled without clothes), and I just read the book.

We got back and I'd decided to buy a camera. I went for asongthaw and the drivers are awful people, but I got in and went to the cybercafe and looked again at the cameras but talked myself out of it.

I got back, expecting to be tired at nine, but with the fireworks and slamming doors then normal insomnia, saw the sun come up. I did manage to get up at nine, but the festival they are celebrating, isn't until tomorrow, so it will basically be a few more days until there's a chance of sleep.

But I'm pretty much done with the place. I did what I came to do, i.e. finsih M150 and start the next year's study, and get on top of the work. So, I can leave really. My rent's OK until the fiftth. I'm looking forward to the change, to be frank. Of course, I don't get long, but if I could relax for a few days in Nong Khai it would be lovely.

The main thing is to make use of the wifi in the room. If I can get the J pics on line and start some major archiving, continuing what I brought with me from UK I can really make a dent into my life plan.

Actually, the main thing might be getting a camera sorted out. I went and looked today and there were a South Afrikan couple buying one and he told me to go for it. I was surprised to learn that Samsung give an international warranty, contrary to what they told me at IT City in airport plaza. I have a suspicious they guy there doesn't like the job and delibrately stops people buying stuff. Probably paranoia.

The last two cameras I bought... actually, the last three (I never used to have to buy cameras like that) were around the seventy pound mark. I wanted the same now, which is about four thousand baht. I really looked into it and decided on the samsunges10 for 3000, but it doesn't have a settings memory, so I left it. Then I looked at olympus but there were too many complaints that it wasn't sharp. So I left it, thinking and thinking, and decided on Canon, but they were sold out. Then I noticed the ES17 is 12mp. So the I was conflicted. I keep reading reviews, and sometimes they're contradictory. They say the Canon loses sharpness away from centre, isn't good at night, isn't wide and has very bad aberration. The plus points are, centre sharpness and numerous Thai service centres.

The samsung has another two MP. DIS, generally better reviews online and an international warranty. So, that seems good no? Yes, but there's not a service centre in Vientiane, in UK it's in Edinburgh, and in the shop, I took pictures, without flash admittedly, that seemed very noisy, though I guess the canon would be the same. The reviewers say it's an outdoors camera, but not for landscapes. That it overexposes highlights but it doesn't. I mean, eventually, it's like the Australian guy said to me, you just put your money down and take your chances.

Of course, I could pay more, but then there are still bad reviews, for any camera. I'm just too cautious sometimes. I hate myself after making mistakes, perhaps that's in, a bit like the way I never like anyone because I don't like losing people forever.

Oh, before I go, I put my first English essay in. I wanted it to be the start to Strawberries, but couldn't really tie it in to the writing prompt we were given. But I did write a biography piece, about my first visit to the occult shop, can you believe that, though only when writing did I realise what a significant event that actually turned out to be in my life.

Oh, so I must go.

That canon. I just read the manual. You can manually set it up to like, sixteen seconds or something, so it can definitely do night shots. The last camera was like, four mp or something? I'll definitely be better off, and I'll just look after the screen this time.

So, my battery is gone. Hopefully, by next week I'll be here, with a camera, plans to leave, and a nearly finished psychology essay.

BaByeeeeee deedaweeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4th November 2009

Dream

I was speaking to A on the phone and suddenly, out the blue, she said that she would pay for me to have a ticket to Australia, so I said yes just because it would be something new to do.

Then I was on the plane coming over. We got to the airport. There was a kind of waiting area before you went through immigration or customs so I sat there. I knew it would be expensive, and I didn't have anywhere to go. I found a guidebook and worked out some places. This guy who had left earlier returned and said that he had found a place that was OK. I wandered outside and realised that there was flooding, which meant that it would be difficult to get into town. I slipped into the water and had a rescue helicopter come. The guy came down and secured a rope around me, but then a huge canvas thing, like a parachute, came down and fell on me. It was heavy and it pushed the rescuer and I under. I couldn't breath, but there was no pain and so I wasn't overly fearful. I lost consciousness and realised that I was dying. I started to hear and see the afterlife and started praying in preparation - feeling no particular preference between living and dying.

Interpretation

A will pay for the ticket, meaning I've always been given this space in life to work out my numerous issues. The waiting area means how I was once waiting for my life to start, but then it's all flooded with emotion. I get swept up by the emotion and withdraw (going under the parachute) from life and end up totally isolated. In the end, in this dream at least, I don't get rescued, which is either negative, or it could symbolise the spiritual submission that has been my answer to it all.

Date: Sunday 8th November 2009

Chaipat Hotel, Khon Kaen, Thailand. 9.27pm.

Yeah, not Miguel's this time. Ah, my first little routine, but then routines... who needs them?

It was quite awkward leaving actually. I mean, My visa's out on the 14th, and the exam due on the 11th and I needed to be near reliable wifi or connection when it's sent. So I could have just stayed there, but I was finding it really difficult to get into the work and I realised that it was because I knew I had to leave soon and so my mind had already gone, and it would be easier to work on the road.

It was kind of a sudden decision in a way. I'd been in Chiang Mai for about four and a half months. This is going on the longest I've ever been in one place; it's definitely the longest I've ever been in one hotel. Any wouldn't you know it, it's a youth hostel run by the Japanese.

Of course, it would be very hard to get a camera somewhere along the way. I was still torn between Samsung and Cannon. I almost had the Samsung, but one day just sat in Darat and flipped a coin because any kind of movement meant I could carry on. So I went to Photobug and got it. The staff were really rude and preoccupied. They obviously didn't know anything about the camera. There was only a white, ex-display one, but in the end I handed over the money and walked out with it.

It was a strange ending to all the time I had spent there. The first time I went to Chiang Mai was 1994 just after leaving J in Perth, and I stayed about a month, then I stayed away twelve years and went just after mother died. When I returned that time, it was the lantern festival with everyone letting lantern balloons into the air, fireworks and a surreal atmosphere. This time I was leaving, and it was the same festival, so it was kind of full circle.

I sat in darat with the camera. I obsessed as I'd read so many reviews I knew it's every fault, and it certainly has a few faults, but it's OK.

On the penultimate day, I wasn't sure if I would go or not. I went downstairs and asked the Japanese woman if I could pay just one day, and that was OK. She asked me if I was going home, but I said Laos and might be back yet and we both laughed.

That last day, I needed to get prints and phone A, and I managed both. I wanted to go to Miguel's, but there was no bread, and so I ended up in Art Cafe, which was just as bad as I remember and helped me recall why I stopped going there.

I couldn't sleep, of course. I mean, I can never sleep, but the night before I'd only had a few hours, like two, so I expected, but no, it was just two hours yet again. I woke and was almost packed. So just time for a drink and off I went. The Japanese one was the only one there.

I was prepared, and expecting, to walk all the way up. I'd gone for about five minutes up Loi Kroh when a tuk tuk stopped. It was asking 80, offered 40, 60 come back and took 55. There he didn't have change and was to accept 50 but I felt bad and dug up a five baht coin.

So it was a good start, I've never had a lift there before. There, the ticket was 440, which works out at less than a pound sterling an hour, but it's not really so cheap.

We set off and I skimmed a psychology book I'd got back in Chiang Rai, but it was heavy. I got off for the toilet in Lampang but forgot my bag so ran back, then it was too late, and so I was bursting at the next place, but then it was OK and I settled into my book. There was no proper stop at Phitsanulok, so lucky I had gone before, but we stopped again at a petrol station. There was some ordained monks on board, and I noticed they both chain-smoked at the stops, despite the fact that one of them was under age. I've seen monks smoking before, that's something you would never have seen in Thailand in the past.

I sat alone the whole time except twice. Once a woman to my left, then a school girl to my right, but both less than an hour.

I got off a stop too early, but got back on and then we arrived. I sat and rested, then walked right down to a place by the lake, but the fan rooms were full, so I walked back up thinking I might try Roma but ended up back in chaipat. The miserable woman wasn't there, so I got a decent room but I had to fight for it.

Yesterday I worked, and today I worked. My essay is ready for a final print and check. Not sure about it, I'll have to see how strict the tutor is. I checked my mail today and noticed my English essay is back, so that will be interesting.

I'll definitely go tomorrow. I'll arrive the 9th and hopefully can get it printed out, it's all ready as a pdf. Then I'll do a final correct and send it on the 10th. Any problem with connection, I can come back or shoot over to Laos. And that's the plan, short term.

Long...err term, I think, decide the first two nights Vientiane accommodation, look into cheaper long-term places and think about the bus to Luang Prabang, which sounds awful, but I'm running out of places to go.

'Trapped' in Thailand 2009

noreply@blogger.com (lifemagic) — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 13:42:00 +0000

Date: Saturday 6th June 2009

Joma Cafe, near the fountain, Vientiane, Laos. 1.25pm

Going back to Nong Khai in a minute, so I can only make a token start right now.

I'm calling this diary entry 'Trapped in Thailand', as, I suppose that's how I feel a bit. I've kind of got to go back to Chiang Mai to receive post, but I don't want to. I've got to take the local buses back, and I'm a bit jaded of it all. I could have been in the far east by now, but it wasn't to be... maybe I would have felt trapped there. I don't know.

Anyway, just making a token start as I said.

Date: Wednesday 10th June 2009

Mutmee Restaurant, Nong Khai, Issan, NE Thailand. 3.36pm

I'm sitting in the garden working on the third exam for the M150 course. I really settled here and was/am getting a load done. The garden has wifi and electrical sockets and is really relaxed. It was me sitting at a table with three or four other wifi slugs just all working away with the occasional nod to the people around me.

Then the wifi failed and the English owner turned up. At the moment I'm sitting in the middle of a table with him at one and and some guy at the other end and they're talking between them. I'm trying to answer the last question, it's about Javascript and takes so much concentration...so of course, that's that. It turns out I'm doing the diary. It's even with the headphones on, playing a forest flute mp3 full blast. Selfish, loud prick.

Still, not everyone can have avoidance personality disorder like me.

I might as well update the diary. Where was I on my birthday; is that the last place I updated? I was in Lampang, sitting at the riverside... actually, is that, no, that was a different river, the Ping river I think. This is the Mekong.

Oh God, his two children are as loud and as irritating as he is. Please, go and don't come back.

Actually, he's gone. I might go back to the essay then. It's mainly because this woman who's sitting here. I think if she went then he would stop coming.

Gone!

Date: Wednesday 17th June 2009

Khiang Kong Guesthouse, Nong Khai, Issan, Thailand. 11.44pm.

Yes, I'm quite stressed about the essay I'm doing at the moment. It's about Javascript programming, and is easily the hardest thing I've done with the OU at the moment.

Date: Thursday 18th June 2009 -- Nong Khai

Dream

I was trying to get somewhere and realised that my only option was a bus to Northampton where I was born. When I got there I was given a glitterpen (a pen that draws with paperglue mixed with glitter).

Interpretation

To get the degree I want I would have to go back to England on a periodic basis for exams. Not absolutely sure what the glitterpen means, presumably it means better times or a career that I would and could do and want?

Date: Saturday 20th June 2009

Dream

I was walking down the main street in Perth looking into each restaurant because my sister was there somewhere and I wanted to avoid her. Then I walked back the other way because I knew that Junko was there and I wanted to see her; though I ended up seeing neither.

I went to an Indian restaurant where I'd been before but it was now a special occasion and the place had been decorated all nice. I didn't know if the prices would be inflated because of the special occasion, I just wanted it to be as it was on any normal day, so I left and started thinking about places on the other side of the city I could go to.

Interpretation

The first part shows how my traveling lifestyle and 'relationship' with Junko were attempts to get away from the negativity in my 'life' in England. I think the dream says that this didn't work, so now I'm changing tak and doing something new.

Date: ?25th June 2006

Dream

I went to a dentist and was trying not to smile but when he did he said my teeth were yellowed and I decided to get them whitened.

Interpretation

Must get some nicotine gum.

Date: Friday 26th June 2006

On a bus from Phitsanulok to Chiang Mai.

5.56 pm.

I've got about two hours until we arrive. My perfect little eee pc has started to wear; he speechmark key has stopped working. I copy and paste it from elsewhere as I type. Its a bit inconvenient I admit... but then again, reality check: I'm typing up my diary as Im traveling on a second class bus in a developing country.

So, I had my birthday in Lampang, and traveled back to Chiang Mai to Best Western hotel. I stayed there a few days. I went up to the post office to see if my tax letters were there but they weren't; I don't know how to check if something is sent registered. I might be a ble to go tomorrow or on Monday; I only have three days until this incredibly hard tma is due.

I decided to leave Thailand early. Ostensibly because I could time it to get a double-entry visa to return for free, which would save me two thousand baht should I be able to get to an embassy before they start charging again.

I phoned A. to see if the post had been sent, though I didn't expressly ask as I don't want to be a nuisance about it, but now I've realised that I do have to start getting a move on. I told her I would be away for a while. Of course, I never replaced my mobile. Its so hard to buy things in Thailand, though I've tried numerous times. Theres less choice, no guarantees, no English.

[Is it me, or has this bus messily speeded up just as I've startred typing, meaning I'll have to listen to podcasts; a second time I was diverted from my entry; uf it isnt speeding kids it's speeding drivers]

Date: Saturday 27th June 2009

Prego Restaurant, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 8.22pm

OK, there really are no distracions now, other than not having a apostrophe key.

Yes, I had my birthday in Lampang. I didnt really do anything other than listen to Gill, but that was enough.

I went onto get a new visa. I travelled south to Phitsanulok. It's about a two kilometers out to the bus station along the highway to leave. I think that the average Thai has no idea what farangs put up with or the kind of time we have here.

I got a bus across to Khon Kaen and had one night there in Chaipat, which is really over-priced and I absolutely resolved to try somewhere new next time. I took a bus up to Nong Khai and arrived quite latish at night. I had a few places lined up and looked in Mekong Guest House first, but the room was down by the water and very musty. I said I might be back, and walked on to Chiang Kong. This was fifty baht cheaper and much nicer. The guy seemed nice enough. I went shopping and came home and watched TV. It had a South African channel, with films in English but subtitled anyway. I stayed about five days and watched some really good stuff.

I left earlyish one morning and walked to the bus station. I wasn't quite sure how I was going to get there, The plan had been to get the direct service, but I found out via the Internet that you have to have a visa to board that, and I was planning to get mine at the border. So I went to ask anyway, if they would just sell me a ticket as far as the border. But there was no one at the kiosk so I haggled a rickshaw down to the right price (miracle) and he drove me up.

Not having a visa was actually an advantage as the entrance stamp is issued the same time as the visa and I didn't have to queue. But I was halfway over and realised that visa was post dated six months ago. I jogged back and showed it to immigration, and it turns out I was looking at my previous visa and it was all fine!

There was a cramped shuttle bus across the friendship bridge and I was a bit nervous as I accidentally put my computer in the hold, but it turned out OK, despite the fact that there are gaping holes in both bags I own.

I got that the wrong way round, I went through Thai immigration (the lady was surprised I was on foot), then took the bus, then got my Loation visa (obviously).

Over into Laos, there's a board showing you the prices for various forms of transport but I was hesitant and a driver quoted lower than the posted price, so I went with him and realised he expected me to share, which would actually make it expensive. I walked off not really sure what I would end up doing but a guy called me over and was fixing the engine on a bus, which he said would take me to Vientiane for twenty baht, so I got on. It was very basic, but, so it was OK.

I got off and wasn't really sure what I would do. I went to Duang Duang or whatever it's called, and they did actually have a single, though it was expensive compared to anything in Thailand, though I do really love that pllace though.

I went back to the wifi cafe called Vista and the guy remembered me and said it was nice to see me again, which is the first interpersonal contact I've had in months... or is it more than a year.

Next day I walked up the the embassy, I think three kilometers, and very, very hot. I applied, no problem, but wasn't sure if I could get two entries though. I asked, but they didn't say. I noticed that I was indeed there on the last day they were giving them out free though.

They have a very efficient ticketing system, so I waited about forty minutes until it was my turn to go in. I was embarrassed by the calibre of farang there, to be frank. Old guys with Thai teenagers as lovers, but people walking round with there shirt off. One guy turned up so drunk he was shouting and couldn't focus his eyes properly, but they put him through the system anyway.

Next day I went back; this is quite a routing and I was enjoying it. I got talking to this American, and he told me about cheap flights. I recall that he barely looked at me for the whole twenty minutes that we chatted.

I did get double entries, so I've saved 2000 baht, which was the point of the exercise. That's only forty pounds... but forty pounds is forty pounds.

I came out and went to the little minimart where the routine is I have a soda when I get out. Also now, they have a home-made sweet potato chip, so I have that, absolute heaven.

Again, in accordance with the routine, I went to Joma with my packed bags and ate and drank the same thing. It's nice I suppose as I almost never eat out now. Maybe once a fortnight, and I never go to the cinema. I just study, type and work.

So, I tried to phone Chiang Kong to reserve a room. The guy could hardly hear me. I remember the old days when phone calls were clear and horrendously expensive and there was nothing you could do about it. Nowadays you can't make a landline call, even calling from a phone connected to the wall is Internet routed, and generally unintelligible. Well anyway, I told him I was going.

As I was walking to the bus, I realised I didn't want to go. I was happy there, it was quiet and different and I've been in Thailand too long. As I walked, I made up a little poem:

I dreamed Oriental dreams,

For permanence to find,

But I'm older now,

And wiser now,

And wish to free my mind.

It just came to me from nowhere and I sang it over and over again in my mind like a mantra.

Getting back was fine. When I got home both the owners were outside. They're decent people I think, but the wife has a terrible habit of standing behind her husband and whispering all the time. I don't know how he puts up with that, but there you go. I asked him what type of room it was and he told me it was full. I said that I'd phoned and he realised who I was I think. Anyway, I got the same room but couldn't shake off the paranoia that he hadn't wanted me there, though this is probably a self-esteem issue.

I went to Mutmee and the owner of Pirate's Cove in Chiang Mai was there. He came and said hello and I was shocked, though he seemed upset that I accidentally called him Robert... when his name's actually Mark. Of course, Robert is the transsexual I know from the Buddhist Abbey in England. We only said a couple of sentences, he told me that his girlfriend was from Issan. I'm such a social moron that it should be illegal for people like me to actually speak to other people.

Mutmee was magical for a time. There are bamboo huts overlooking the Mekong. Each one has electrical outlets and there's wifi throughout. I used to go to the last hut on the end and it was me, this German guy and his girlfriend; they were there mostly for the free Yoga. This American teacher came. He talked a lot to Julian the owner because he was trying to fix the wifi, which went down and never quite came back online. Anyway, this teacher was another older guy who'd met a teenager online and was there to arrange marriage.

An American couple turned up. They were restaurant owners and the guy was really into music, and funnily enough looked like one of the blues brothers. He was travelling with a guitar and could really play it, and mostly he talked about Jazz. He had a loud and ready laugh that really travelled. Sometimes he went right down by the water to parties held on a boat and I could still hear him. He used to keep trying to catch my eye and say hello, but of course I always looked down and never said a word to anyone. I know all this about everyone, but the only time I ever spoke there was when I spoke at reception to change dollars for my Lao visa.

I did quite a bit of work there, did a lot of my next essay, I did quite a piece of preparation for a piece of magic I'm doing at the minute.

I was really happy, but three things got me down. One, the whispering wife, two the patchy Internet and three, there was no table in the room, it was just, lie and watch TV, though funnily enough it was equipped with wifi.

I walked over for the bus, it was a Sunday, and the 407 company directed me to another bus and I went down to Khon Kaen, I did indeed stay somewhere else, Pullman Hotel. Fantastic wifi, but Oh God, the whole place was a cockroach trap; I was fighting them off.

Plus there's not really anywhere to go. Well, it's kfc every day, same as Chiang Mai, but at least here, I can get the next courses sorted easier.

I took the bus to Phitsanulok and stayed at LiThai. I found out they have a dual pricing system, and came up to Chiang Mai. I checked in New Asia hotel, non-descript, and I'll look for something else tomorrow.

That's about it for now, there are perhaps some details and/or chitchat, but I'd better get on.

Date: Tuesday 30th June 2009

Miguel's cafe, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 8.32pm

I got the result of my first course, i.e. the two conjoined Introduction to Social Science.

76% - Grade B -- Good Pass

I came here, to the finest restaurant, foodwise, in the world. Of course, there's an American group here and a baby threw food over me. But I don't care. I've got letters after my name. I have a university qualification. I just had to post!

I finished my other tma for the computer course also, same day. Very, very hard. I'll be happy just to pass that.

Sunday 5th July 2009

Chiang Mai, Thailand.

Dream

I was with mother who was alone and unhappy living in a wasteland. She asked me to so some impractical thing.

Interpretation

It's essentially a fragment. I guess it could mean a warning not to turn bitter over the years... or something, I don't know.

Same day dream

I looked in the mirror and my teeth were quite white.

Date: 9th July 2009

Chiang Mai, Thailand.

I was in a hotel and asked if I could change rooms, which was OK, so I did. I went out and saw a guy on a little bike try and get a guy on a big bike to be his taxi, and in the end he negotiated to be able to just hold on and be pulled along.

I went back to the old room to finish moving my stuff. The cleaning ladies were there. I noticed that the phone was all smashed up. I looked around and realised that the room had been generally vandalised. I told the cleaning staff and they said that it looks OK. They told me not to tell the owner and I got the feeling that it wasn't the first time it had happened.

I went to the new room and settled in. After a time, the cleaning staff stumbled in, having been there previously; one of them had slipped on my cooking oil and we laughed. I saw that she was attractive but that her teeth were mostly transparent. I spoke and she told me that my breath smelt like tobacco and I felt good that at least it was something I could change.

Note: I'm using olive oil on my bad ear at the moment, and I did actually plan to ask about moving rooms, and have now done so, to a much better one in the same hotel.

Interpretation

I think it was just telling me that I had accepted an inferior room at the hotel and to move. The room I have now for the same price is much better...and so it's OK.

Date: Monday 13th July 2009

Darat Restaurant, Thaepae, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 9.11pm.

Not so long since I updated, relatively... for a change.

OK, I moved. I was staying in a place called Rattana. It was Okish for a week or two. It was on the way to the post office, while I needed to be going up to collect the tax letters I was expecting. But there was this loudspeaker that make a ghekho sound, the kind of thing they have in restaurants so the kitchen can tell the waiter that the food's ready; I don't know if there was a restaurant out in the back. It would go all night. One night this combined with a dripping tap and I ended up moving the next day.

I came to HiCentre, HI meaning Hostelling International, so technically I'm in a youth hostel, which is fine. It was bearable for about a week at 200 baht, but then the barking dogs from outside kept me up so I changed rooms. I had definitely been put in a rubbish room to start with; they do that, same as the last place. When I checked in they said there were no rooms upstairs and got me to take an inferior one. It's frustrating... because then what can you do to get the nicer ones? Ask more than once I suppose. Still, it's a free market, in a place like Chiang Mai which is oversupplied, then you accept what you're happy with. I'm very happy there at the minute, it just suits me and the price is right.

I phoned A; this was the first time since I'd left for Laos. All is well, but the post, i.e. the tax forms, hadn't been sent. Carly had gone up to Brian's, my 'common law step father' or whatever, who's been looking after my post for a year and a half. She went up with her husband expecting for there to be a lot, but all he gave her was a few letters and said that was it... which is rubbish. All my study books were there. But really it's the tax forms I was looking for, and they're not there.

So she said that I should change and have them sent to her address. I was getting all this from A. of course. The gossip with Brian was that he's taken up with a woman called Anne. He's setting her up a market stall in Billing and that will add to his business. Essentially, he's back where he started, as running a market stall in Billing is what he did with mother thirty years ago when he first met her. A. doesn't think it will work as M. used to do a lot of the work there. I think M. did a lot of everything so perhaps it's not so easy for him.

Anyway, I looked into having these forms sent to Carly's. It could be done, but I'd have to change my actual address to hers. I had to phone back A. to check it was OK as even her landline would have to go on the form, but it was all fine. The address change couldn't be done online itself, there's a form that has to be printed out and then sent to them, soI though this will be OK to do via Carly. I got it all sorted out, I was faffing about and frustrated as the form will be scanned by the bank and I couldn't find a place that could do it properly, but then I went up to Buddies, then walked to the post office, but it was closed. I googled as to why and it turns out that it's the start of 'Buddhist lent', a five day holiday. I asked on the expat message boards and was told that it wouldn't be open until the 9th. so I had this frustrating time waiting for it to open.

While I was doing this I had the idea that I could work out how much interest I earned in the last tax years, and put this on the application myself. Oh, sorry, I'm talking about the funding for next years university. Anyway, while I was doing that I suddenly realised that I could just print out the statements from online and that would be my evidence.

So after all this, I might not even need these tax forms. But perhaps the fiasco served in's purpose in lessening my association to Brian, whom A. suggested wanted nothing to do with the family anymore, if you can even call it a family now, as barely anyone is talking to each other, though it's pretty much always been that way.

I broke my camera, the same way I broke the last one, a lumpy mattress smashed the screen when I slept with it under my bed. I bought that four years ago, I took it all around the hostels, I took it to photograph M. dying, I bought it from a shop in Northampton which doesn't even exist now.

I have no camera at all at the minute. The same day this happened, the computer keyboard failed. The speechmark/apostrophe went. I could live with it for a while. I had a text file with ' and â€œ there to cut and paste, but then the I/i button went and it was nigh impossible. It was so awkward that I had to go any buy one. I went to the usual place in Panthip, though there were these really horrible staff members there, though the first one I tried did indeed work, so I bought it, and am sitting now at a table in the open typing on this. I used to dream of having something like this, it was only a few pounds. But it's just... so wonderful, to type so perfectly and comfortably in such a relaxed place, it's like I'm sitting here in conversation with someone because the computer's off to the side and I'm just overlooking the moat and the people going by. Actually, it's even better than a conversation because I don't get any stupid responses. Why doesn't someone invent a computer with a one line display that types ascii text to an sd card and weight 200 grams? It would be good for writers and travellers. Maybe I should get a patent!

So, I got the keyboard, but my MP3 players been broken for ages. I had it for twenty quid, about four years ago, when one gig was impressive in something so cheap. I was looking into a phone. I could get one that accepts microcards. I've looked for ages but only got serious once this stuff all started failing. I did look at one in Panthip in a phone shop, but the assistant got mad because I spent too long looking at it and snatched it away. I'm still looking, but am edging towards a Thai brand. It only has to last a year. The one I like plays mp3's, has a vga camera, this will be so poor it might not even be suitable for uploading. I don't know if it has speakers or whatever. But even if all it could do was make calls, it might just about pay for itself over the course of a year, plus I could play podcasts, and this would save wear and tear on the computer. I think the battery may only last for a couple of hours, but it takes a standard one, so perhaps I could get that, then with two batteries and the computer, I might get up to eight or nine hours when travelling. The company has service centres in various places in Thailand. The cost is about the same as the MP3 player I last bought... and a bit more than the last phone, which I lost over Songkran of course. I've been looking into it and thinking. But yes, I do want something. I'll have one more look on the Internet, and then try and buy something.

I bought a couple of very cheap shirts from Tesco, and that cheered me up. Actually, I thing there's a Mars transit tomorrow and that might give me some energy for shopping.

I finished all the study for the computing course. I just sat and did it. Over the past three days, I've been so, so productive, every time I sit down, I do twenty study pages, a mind map, some web maintenance, look, now I've whipped this out and am talking to dear diary. I just can't stop working, it's such a satisfying feeling.

I love, love, love this computer. As all my other gadgets have failed, I've looked at this and thought, yes, that's what counts though. Technically it can do everything I want. It wan play mp3's, it has speakers, games, photoediting, ebooks. I can buy gadgets to do the individual pieces of what this can do as a standard.

I had a constant ringing in my ear, damned cyst. It got so bad I did actually buy a big bottle of Olive oil, actually it's the smallest one you can buy, so for cooking it's not that big; for putting in your ear it's huge.

See, it's lucky. Now I've started, I want to mention these other things I made notes about but didn't get around to including on the last update.

One time I wanted to mention was in Mutmee, back in Nong Khai. At nght I would sit and overlook the Mekong River. The riverbank on the other side is Laos so there aren't many cars. When they did go past their headlights shone straight across the water like big light lines, and then made me think of moving stalactites for some reason. Then as I watched, there was an illusion or a trick of perception or something and suddenly the black water looked like space and that before me I was looking into an underworld of moving stalactites.

Another thing that happened to me in Mutmee. At the end of the garden was the unofficial wifi table, where people who wanted to use their laptops went. So of course, that's where I went. There was a Canadian Asian woman there talking to a long-term German guy who was into Yoga. Anyway, she was talking about this guy she knew for about ten days, then they travelled on separately and he wants to keep in touch but she realised that it doesn't mean as much to him as her and she wonders what's the point in emails when she will never see him again, and the German said, 'I know, I know, it's painful, but if you write, you'd be putting too much into it.'. I wish someone had have said that to me years ago. What does 'putting too much into something' mean? I can't say but I know. Perhaps you do to... but do you dear diary? You don't have a corporal existence... I keep forgetting that.

The last thing, again, was in Nong Khai, perhaps because it's so quite that my mind just thinks too much? Anyway, I came home early one day for some reason, and saw the tail end of the film 'Capturing Mary'. I mention it because the character is tortured by past love or regret or something and sits and relives all this on a bench in Kensington Gardens, where I've sat myself and done the same thing.

That's the past updates done... back to the present...

I'm still working on a large piece of magick that I don't want to write about, not now anyway, but it's really getting my mind clear.

I've been thinking a lot about what courses to do next, how the exams would work out, I'm starting to see a way forward with my life, dharma willing. You know, there's a masters in Distance Education, I think I'd be really good in that field. Am I too old? I don't know. If I have twenty years of working life left, living simply, compounding interest, the stock markets moves the right way, earnings at the level of a masters degree and I'm desirable to other countries for residence... yes, it's all jumping ahead and I don't know the state of my health, but as strangely as I've lived, I see a vague way forward. Obviouisly a lot could happen and I'm just thinking. But when I do think, I don't necessarily feel hopeless or fatalistic.

Well dear diary, can you believe it, I've updated fully and completely; you can thank my little comfy keyboard for that. If I'd known the difference it would make and how cheap it was I'd have bought one sooner.

So, I shall go to the Internet and do some work, home to watch TV and poss. get a phone tomorrow?

Date: Tuesday 14th July 2009

Chiang Mai, Thailand.

Dream

I was walking round a place that was a lot like Nong Khai. I had all my stuff with me and I thing I was leaving. I found a blue crystal on the floor, actually some Blue John I'd got on a school trip. I thought I'd found something new but then realised that it was already mine.

I was sleeping in a hotel with two other people. Gas started coming in through the aircon and we had to evacuate to the hallway.

I was sitting outside with these women. By coincidence, we had both booked a trip to Portugal; we were surprised because it was on the same day, same airline etc. I asked her if she'd go in a taxi to possibly share, but then recalled that there was an airport bus. She spoke about Portugal and had obviously been before.

Interpretation

I think this dream is saying that my unconscious isn't happy that I've ruled out ever meeting someone again. Blue John, I.e. my depressed self but also my past self as I used to have a piece of blue john I collected on a school trip. So later, it points out that I do get chances to make new friends about my day to day life, and my mind doesn't want me to be too closed.

Date: Wednesday 15th July 2009

Hi Centre Youth Hostel,

Loi Kroh Soi 1,

Thaepae,

Chiang Mai. 1.24am.

Oh god, what a day. things that should take an hour and be fun take all day and are torture. I decided to go shopping at mars is trine itself in my progressed chart, and I wanted the extra energy. Like most days I didn't get out until 2.00pm. I was in two minds whether to walk right up to airport plaza... but the mars energy must have been working for me. I made it as far as 'Chiang Mai Neurotic Hospital ' (honest) and sat on the bus stop, and an auto (tuk tuk) stopped for me and I got the rest of the way for forty. Anyway, I went around the centre for a bit and then had some kfc and a sit down, and I psyched myself up, as all I ever do is walk around shops never buying anything. I thought about it the other day, how cautious I am spending money. It's all part of a general sensitivity. The same way that I avoid any kind of friendship or relationship, because when these things go wrong it's so painful for me. I think same same for being ripped off or buying something that turns out to be rubbish, I feel awful. So, I'm very, very careful.

Anyway, I started off at the top of Robinsons and couldn't see anything. I was looking for magic stuff for this long working I'm doing. Anyway, I went out and sat down. There was a guy next to me playing the radio on an absolutely beautiful phone, all silver with an ariel. God, it was fantastic.

I went back in and down a level, there I looked at the bags. I first went in the sports department and they were so overpriced. Then I walked over to the dedicated luggage department. I looked, it was about 2000 for a Polo, which was nice but the straps weren't so wide. It was really good as the assistants only wanted to talk and play with their phones, one of them was actually lying down; but that's how I like it; I could actually concentrate. There was one that wasn't so bad, I had a really good look and I noticed my mind went from averse to buying to actually deciding on it, it was kind of a 'Shall I just get this then?' feeling.

I got it and paid with a Barclaycard. The receipt said NO REFUND, I tried to cross that part out but the pen didn't work. So, I was done.

Now the plan was to go and buy a micro card so I can put my music on it, then go to Kad Suan Keaw to buy the phone. I know that's weird, but I asked the oracle. It said that the end result for buying a phone in Airport Plaza would be separating, i.e. separating from something in a way that is beneficial. But the same question for Kad Suan Kew, i.e. the end result of buying a phone from there, would be 'Nourishment'. I.e. feeling satiated.

I walked all around but couldn't find a 1gb SD card. I ended up at the i-mobile shop cum service centre. Actually, they were quite nice there. They didn't have model 201 that I wanted, but did have model 200 so I looked at that. She said it would play music through the speakers, but I would need a card, and they did have a card for 250, which is 30 baht more for a named brand twice the size in Panthip, but at least I would have it that way. Plus I got a proper receipt with my name on.

I went down to Starbucks to put my music on it. At first it didn't work, but then it was OK. I st and wondered what exchange rate I would get using the Barclaycard for the bag, and I think there might be a handling charge. I decided that I would go to Central and pay cash if I can get the advertised five percent discount, and credit card if not.

I went to the back of the centre, to 'Northern Village' and asked information about the free shuttle. I had so much trouble finding out about that. I read people's blog entries saying they went to airport plaza on free shuttle from their hotel, but just couldn't get hard details. Thai's are very bad at putting information out like that. Like when the visa rules change and people only hear about it when they actually enter the country. Even the embassies don't know.

So, I knew the only thing to do would be to go and ask, and I was there and I was asking. it turns out, the free shuttle goes to and from the major hotels, at least one of which is in Thaepae, and it is indeed free. But the last one left at seven pm. and it was five past.

I went out to the front of the centre and got straight onto one for twenty, so it wasn't too bad actually.

I went straight up to the phones in Central. The woman gave me a shrink wrapped phone but I wasn't allowed to open it. I asked if I could have the 5% discount. I.e. when you enter there's a sign there saying: Tourists: 5% discount and 7% VAT refund. I know you can't get the vat refund anywhere as they all advertise that but it's only for purchases over 5000, and the phone is 1390. She said, no, no discount. Already cheap.

I said, there's a sign over there...

'Who told you over there?'

'No one told me there's a sign over there.'

'Sign outside for another shop.'

'No, there on this wall, on the wall of this shop there's a sign saying 5% tourist discount.'

'No sign.'

I didn't argue, somehow, even though I've passed that sign for years I always knew it would be a scam... because this is Thailand and nothing is true.

I looked at the phone a long time while she whispered to her friend.

I thought, perhaps the signs not there, it was a long running promotion that's ended. So I said to her that I would go and check the sign, and if it's not there I'll come back and pay the asking price.

I went out, just 15 meters to the door, which is visible from the counter and the only entrance to the counter, and there's a clear sign. It says, in while letters on a black background, '5% discount and 7% Vat refund for tourists'. That's it... it says that on the only entrance to her counter and she denied it. This made me angry.

So I went back and said the sign is there, she denied it and said 'who said?'.

Ugh. She was smiling, but I had raised my voice and her cheeks started flushing. It's not her fault, so I said I would go to the counter. I went to the counter. They denied there was a sign. A friendly man came with me and I pointed to it. Clear as day.

He said it refers to a different shop. It took me a while to comprehend. On the third floor, it's all open plan, but the electrics is run by a separate company, though there's nothing what so ever to indicate this. The sign itself has no logo on it, only the stated discount. I told him it was misleading and to take it down, and he told me to go down a floor to customer service.

You can imagine the kind of absurd conversation I would have there... and all this Mars energy. Oh God, whatever.

So I went down the the basement and found the 200 model in a shop just like the one in Panthip. I think it might even be the same branch. It might even have been the same woman who took the phone away from me last time. I looked and was impressed with it. It was only 1090, a hundred cheaper than the one in i-mobile. I asked if I could test my card and she was hesitant, but did. She changed it to English, and I tried, but it said there were no files on my card. She couldn't make it work and an older woman came over and said it won't play music from cards. I sat confused and a guy was called over, he was actually a really nice person. In all my days of looking around and trying to shop, he was the only nice person I've met. He said that the card isn't formatted correctly. If I buy the phone and format the card it would be OK.

I asked if he could format the card in the phone and he did so, but it wouldn't open in my card reader, and he said the micro adaptor (mine) was broken. So he want and got a usb reader... but Linux wouldn't recognise it. I tried to do a manual mount but couldn't remember the exact command. He put the card back in the phone and took a photo to the card to check it was definitely working, and that was it. I went and had a bottle of water, then shopped in Topps with that absurd speaker, then had to walk all the way home.

I went into Miguel's on the way back. I never did get around to celebrating my good showing in my last TMA, nor actually getting it in on time. So I sat there with an enchilada and tacos combo and relaxed a bit, as the discount fiasco had got me wound up. It upsets me that I embarrassed that woman, or whatever I did to her, perhaps she's feeling bad about it somewhere.

Suddenly I recalled what the oracle had told me the end result of buying the phone in Kad San Kaew would be: Nourishment. And the enchilada and tacos certainly nourished me. Do you think the universe has a sense of humour?

Then I came here to my little room and packed up my new little bag, which I'm actually quite happy with at this point. I had a look at the card that the guy in the camera shop took a picture with. Can you believe this, but it opens. I have a picture of the camera shop on the desktop. FOR GOD'S SAKE. Not only that, but it's 60kb and despite being a VGA, it's more than suitable for my website. The phone would have been fine. I am so, uuuughggghghgh, I don't know. Of course, the astrology's no good until Sunday, though was it good today? Tomorrow, conversations are not so lucky perhaps. Actually, I need to go up for some cheap prints in night market and get on with this TMA. Yet now I know what I want.

It's something to look forward to isn't it. You never know, perhaps they'll have it in Panthip, in a place other than the place that doesn't like me. I don't recall if there are any other phone shops... there's one in Thaepae. But now I know how the free shuttle runs. Just think how convenient it will be. First of all I won't be without a camera. Also, the pictures will be good enough to go straight onto the web. I'll be able to listen to podcasts and actually have a working display to know what I'm playing. I'll be able to save money phoning A. I'll have an analogue clock displayed without walking round with my alarm clock all day like the mad hatter, all for about a grand, well, a bit more than a grand.

And today at least I have my bag. The courses go OK, I have a decentish room, the paperwork I need is on the way and I'm planning a good piece of magic. Plus I've put Dharma Willing Plan as a mind map, and it makes things much clearer for me. It's always been such a long list, but I will also have my TO DO list as one, I've become really conversant with the software. So I started off complaining, but actually, it's quite a good day and it's happy. I'd better got on or I'll be typing until the sun comes up.

Oh, but I'm full of writing ideas also. It's a really creative time for me.

You know what they say about magick, it's actually in the preparation that the magic is weaved and starts working.

Date: Saturday 18th July 2009

HI Center, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 5.23am.

I'm having another day where I'm really stuck in work-wise.

I phoned A earlier. She was having a confused day. Sometimes she seems really confused, having trouble comprehending things, other times she is as I remember.

She said that Carly has sent the papers to me.

But that doesn't make sense. I sent a change of address form for her to forward, so the papers wouldn't be at her house yet, i.e. the tax forms. But I did have just one sent to Brian's... so what if that's confused the issue?

Hopefully A was confused and she meant that Carly has posted the letter to Nationwide, containing the form to change my address? Whatever it is, she did that Wednesday, so it's all happening in good time now.

I was a bit depressed today. I can't sleep; Chiang Mai does that to me. I mean, I hardly ever sleep well, it takes ages to fall asleep, which was always the case, but I keep waking up now as well. Currently I sleep about six in the morning, and after numerous awakenings, I get up about midday. It's getting me down now though. I think it's the same, same, same every day that does it. I keep dreaming of going to China, of course I've got commitments now. Earlier today I just wandered round the streets feeling awful but for no reason I can put my finger on; just lonely I suppose, though there's not much to do about it... as I really don't want people. Ugh.

Just tomorrow to get through. Sunday is a better day astrology-wise, so I'm planning to go to airport plaza to see if I can at least get the phone. That way it will be easier for me to listen to my Buddhist podcasts, and these cheer me up.

I have a small, cheap room, though there's a comfy chair. I pay daily, but it's just 200. I had planned to be in an apartment by now. But I'm loathe to give a local a deposit; things just aren't done in the same way here and I fear I would never see it again.

I guess I could go up to Pai at some time. The thing is being near the post office when these forms need to go out.

There were ambiguosities in the current exam I'm working on. I posted to the tutor message board to ask what to do... so I wait on that.

That's about it for now. Thanks for listening even when I don't have much to say, dear, dear diary.

Date: Wednesday 22nd July 2009 (most total eclipse of the century in three hours)

HI Centre, Loh Kroh soi 1, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 3.55am.

I can't recall the day I went up to Airport Plaza to get the phone. Oh yes, I recall...

Sunday I'd decided to try and use the advertised 'free airport shuttle'. The previous night I'd gone up to Amora Thaepae Hotel to ask and they gave me the same timetable as I'd got from Airport Plaza. I asked if it was only for guests, and he said 'normally it's for guests'. So I wasn't sure, as 'normally', implies exceptions, where 'exclusively' implies that there are never exceptions, so I hung around some of the bigger hotels around night market. I got freaked out though, mainly because of the drivers who were around there. I often find that, anywhere in the world, that the independent drivers that hang around these five star places feel absolute contempt for foreigners in general; there's a moral in that somewhere... though I don't know what. Perhaps that money makes you into a not very nice person... or perhaps it's greed or envy... I mean, the rich turn the people against them, or is it the best hotels attract the most envious people?

So, the next day was kind of a replay of the last time I went to airport plaza. I walked up the south side of the moat to the bus stop just past the neurotic hospital. I sat for ages with a coke. Just as I was getting up to walk the rest of the way, a driver appeared and I got there for forty.

I walked around for a while and ended up in kfc (of course). God, just think if I ever went through all this, over twenty years, way over twenty years, of dear diary, how many times kfc is mentioned. Starting from the one I used to go to on Thursdays near the cinema in Northampton!

Anyway, I went up to i-mobile. I think I ended up with the same one who could speak English. I gave her the memory card which I'd bought off her previously and now contained all of my music. She went and got the box, but it didn't work. So she tried it with one in the display cabinet and it worked. I put a radio Australia podcast on speaker and it was so quiet I couldn't hear it. So I tried to plug my headphones in, and it uses proprietary ones. Now it just doesn't have enough going for it. So I thanked her for her time and left it.

Oh God, after all that. There just isn't the thing I want. Why does no one want memory cards in their devices? What do they do if it fails? Do they lose all their music?

But I did actually use the free shuttle to get back in, to Amora Thaepae, so it was free and convenient and it was just me using it.

Since then I've been looking into cameras, as really I feel naked without one. The one's I look at are about seventy sterling, which is about what I paid for the other ones. One of them, a Sanyo, is quite impressive. It has three metering patterns you can manually set, exposure compensation, post editing and a sound recorder.

Why don't they put MP3 players on cameras? I mean, there's one that records voice, so presumably it plays it back... but only as a wav. But if I converted it... perhaps it can? But there won't be any headphone socket. Ugh. Do the people who design these things live in the real world... or perhaps it's just me who wants to do eccentric things with my equipment?

I've downloaded the manuals for these things, and I think that the end of the month will be a good time to buy something.

Also, I phoned A. All seems OK. the forms were received and sent. Today I actually managed to change my address online, so the whole exercise was pointless. I have a little card reader that they issued me before I left, and I could use that to change my identity. Not sure how it works. It sounds like ssl, but what's the advantage of a reader? Oh, actually, the reader must be reading something that's encrypted on the chip itself, without it ever going into the browser... which is actually quite secure.

There was no other news really. She said Carly's due in October, the middle, possibly M's birthday. I said straight away, 'October seventeen?', and that's odd as I could never remember when she was alive.

Something went wrong with the water here, for about a week now I've just had black soot coming out the tap. The unfriendly staff offered to move me, but I can't stay up long enough. At six am. I get tired and go to sleep. I'm really starting to feel down and perhaps it's a light issue Perhaps it's me just doing the same things in the same places everyday. Either I stay around Thaepae,which means sitting in Lanna all day. Or I go to night market, which means a bottle of water in Panthip, and a fries in Macdonalds, then go to Lanna. Or I walk to Tesco, which is fries in kfc, tesco and Lanna, or go to Kad Sean Kaew, which is fries in kfc, water in the basement and Lanna.

I met this guy in Lanna today, well, yesterday actually. You know, it's morning now. He complimented my computer and was impressed it 'came with' a full size keyboard, I explained I bought it separately after the built-in one lasted for fifteen months. He laughed and said, 'You wore it out with hard work and stone cold attitude!'. Though I'm not sure what that means exactly.

I've written all the next tma, over a month early, so I have good time to get on with it, plus I have three hundred pages of my next course which I found on the Internet, it's half the main book, which is two thirds of the course, so it gives me a head start if I choose that course, and of course I'm free of the computer study, just the work to do. I've also finished looking into possible degrees and diplomas, so I will be able to print that out and have a good feel about it, no, I mean think about it... or perhaps I can think what I feel about it; that's what I'm trying to say.

There's going on ten thousand words in this diary already.

I have been using the new bag for over a week now; I love it. It's so much better. I didn't realise that I was actually ashamed when I used to turn my back on people because it was such a mess. All I need do is buy a reflector of some kind for it and I'm laughing.

I've been filled with self-doubt also, I mean, more so than usual. About many things, mainly about income. Here I am studying away, and at least loving that much, but really what is the point if I've never been able to be around people or get on with anyone.

Oh, but that's thinking ahead; I should cross that bridge when I come to it. Look, look at me, I left school with nothing, an intelligent kid pushed into the remedial class for having avpd symptoms basically. Within two years I'd studied and passed my own a level, well, I didn't actually study, I just passed, and had a grade A gcse and started trying to graduate. Now I have my first undergraduate certificate and am on my way. It's all good really. I don't know how it will work out. Really, I've never had a job. But, I'm looking even to post grad qualifications and funding, so you just never know. I watch the money dwindling... but I'm getting somewhere. I also have high hopes for a book idea, the most focused thing I've ever thought of. I might get out of dodge city yet.

Well it's not that long until sun up. I really want to try and get my sleep cycle right. The thing is, where will I go all day. It's OK usually as I'm not tired so it doesn't matter where I go, I just work. But when I've stayed up, then I'm tired. Perhaps I should look for a book. The worry is the same issue I had when I started sleeping wrong as a teenager. If I go for it and stay away, if I fall asleep at midday, then I might wake up at ten at night and it's far too much darkness and far too long inside the room.

OK, I'll leave it at that. I'll just mention that I downloaded a game called GODS, it's a platform, abandonware. Oh god, it's really good. I mean, really, really good.

Date: Thursday 23rd July 2009

Java Cafe at Lanna Hotel, Thaepae Road, Chiang Mai. 10.28am.

Made it, righted my sleeping cycle. Woke up at three in the morning today, and here I am all wide eyed and bushy tailed.

They gave out the wrong time for the eclipse on the message boards, so I was sitting here. I saw the receptionist look up into the sky at 8.05, which was the correct time, and a farang glanced up disinterestedly. I don't think there was so much affect here.

Yes, but I feel a bit better generally. The room was supposed to be cleaned yesterday, but they absolutely promised me today, so that'll be nice also.

Date: Monday 26th July 2006

Chiang Mai

Thailand

Dream

I was on a train in China heading towards Japan, but planning to go another day. I though about how much I still miss Junko, even now, and started crying; sobbing hard and long. Time went by and I stayed on the train too long.

I'm not sure of the next part that happened here -- but the train was also a shop and I had to stowaway on another boat to get to shore. I didn't hide; I just kind of jumped on uninvited and no one seemed to mind -- and then I was instrumental in getting it to shore safely.

I walked around a really new, modern, attractive city and I thought to myself how it's nice but it would be much better if Junko was here.

I went in a building and no one spoke English but a guy told me to take a piece of coloured string out of a bowl and wait as the string was a kind of waiting ticket. He started talking but suddenly I put my face right next to his and looked, angrily and defiantly, into his eyes and realised that he was a confidence trickster. I walked away, checking that my bag was still locked and on my back and realised how lucky I was not to have taken it off or it would have been stolen.

I walked around and was lost. I though perhaps I could get back to China, with or without an immigration stamp, and not be in trouble somehow. I walked and walked until it got dark. I ended up running in a panic. I ran into a Buddhist monastery. I don't recall exactly but I think there was some danger chasing me, like a monster, and a monk was trying to help me. It was dark and I was scared, but I recall that the place was very beautiful.

I got out and it was day. I kept walking and came across a type of business, a bike business, run by Arab/Asian looking people, and I asked them if they spoke English and they did, and I started explaining what I need. I ended up at the counter with this white guy and I told him everything and he somehow knew everything about me, and me and Junko, though I couldn't work out if he knew her also -- but he had all the memorabilia of our time together. I looked at all the photos and there was one which was a 'missing' one that had turned up. She had been in England with my family when I wasn't there. There were actually two pictures, of her being in my Aunts living room stroking our dog Robbie and a couple of other dogs with Alf (my uncle) and Barbara Jolly (our neighbour)

Interpretation

Hitching a ride to get to shore is me facilitating her and Kym getting together, i.e. she'd been cheated on previously and met Kym and wanted to be with him but needed to cheat on him first so she couldn't be hurt, and that's where I came in... though I'm starting to accept, twelve years later, that was it.

The whole thing is a confidence trick which I suddenly look straight in the eye.

I have an emotional crisis and am spiritually saved (the Vietnamese breakdown).

It turns out that Junko was in England when I was, or there's a picture of her in my past. Either past life, or it means that the seeds of the obsession were laid while I was a child.

NOTE: I had six or seven hours unbroken sleep when I had this dream (rare, my sleep is usually very interrupted).

NOTE: There was a very sad, yearning feeling on awakening.

NOTE: When I saw the picture in the dream, there was a feeling that she's gone and I wasn't going to see her again.

Date: Monday 27th July 2009

KFC, Tesco Lotus Complex, Chiang Mai. 1.50pm.

Very good night's sleep last night, I don't know why. I woke up perhaps once, but overall it was eight hours. Of course, I had a hard, depressing Strawberry dream, but at least I'm well-rested.

OK, a few bits of news. One, I was over this cybercafe near night market where the prints are cheap, and noticed there was a Facebook message, the first I've ever had. It was from Mian. Well, I clicked it and it just said, how are you?, which is the kind of short message which she would often send. But... she has a Dutch surname! She only just signed up and I think she perhaps sent that accidentally but just copying and pasting her address book. I bet she was married as soon as she went to Holland. Little minx! I checked, and the two details she has, i.e. dob 040477 and email address confirm it's her. I'll look forward to seeing if she puts a picture up. But it's good to know she's well as she didn't answer my last email.

The other thing is that, I'm moving the old archived diaries I have stored at picasa to my usb so that they can be on my site. I put the first one up and randomly clicked a photo and it was a diary entry from the first ever diary I kept, and the entry was twenty years to the day, it 24th July 1989. Can you believe that? I was living in Burrows Court, Darren had been round and I was thinking of signing one the dole, and was obsessed with collecting pictures and references to the Sex Pistols, you can thank my sister for planting that bitter seed; but I had the tendency to obsession even then.

I really like this table in KFC, as it's out the back in the corner, but Thai people are immature.

The last thing I was going to say was about the current astrology transit I'm living under, until I think Sunday, and it's Jupiter square Saturn. It traps me and makes me feel confined. I keep looking for ways to get down to Singapore for shopping, or Penang for a change, or China to travel on. But really, I have to wait and start the new courses and collect post, so there's not much I can do.

I went to airport plaza yesterday. I waited in the road by the Amora, and when I saw the shuttle coming I ran up and caught it. I looked all around, had kfc of course. I went to IT city, they were really, really rude in Panthip, but so is everyone, I think it's the neon and piped awful music that does it. Anyway, the advertised discounts turned out to be a lottery. If you win you can have a discount. I had to register on a computer that kept breaking down. Of course, what a rip-off.

I also passed the LG shop. The woman there was really nice, actually the only nice shop assistant I've met recently. I looked at the phone, but there wasn't an 'all in one', it was either mp3 or camera. Only a vga but at least I'd have something for now. I almost got one but decided to look into it. I went on a real downer then but it was a Sunday and crowded. I went home and got the discounted prices from photobug, but they weren't nice there either.

I went to Lanna and looked into the LG and no end of complaints about both of them actually. The speaker is quiet and it's slow, constantly hanging, and I think the batteries are no good.

But I looked a bit more and saw a recommended Samsung, and I just saw today here at Tesco, that the Samsung camera is just over 3000, I think 8mp. I might go up to CarreFore tomorrow, and I'm going to ask around later before I walk back, to see if there's any chance of finding this phone that I like. The bad transit is over Sunday, so I might go shopping then. An expensive time, plus only two days of insurance left. I must get all this sorted out.

One other thing. When I got back to the UK the first time, my personal savings were 10,000 pounds, plus I got the inheritance. I had some extra cash M. gave me as she got ill. So basically, I banked the inheritance, and am living on my savings, i.e. money I saved when I was training in a factory as a teenager and my old birthday money, saved up with accumulating interest. Well, I'm half way through that now. Hopefully, the remainder can last until April, meaning Iâ€ll have two years of accumulating interest, admittedly at only 2% since the downturn, but better than nothing. The interest might be a years money At the end of my courses, there might or might not be a scholarship, but if I stay well and healthy, my heart is set on an MA. I'm so, so happy and grateful to have found a way to study. Otherwise I'd just be spending the money and writing with no real plan B. and it would feel frittered away. Now, I may well be fritting it away anyway, but it doesn't feel that way. I really feel that I'm getting somewhere, on a number of fronts. I'm finally sorting out the strawberry writing and getting other things sorted out. I was going to do that today, but I can't find the file and so I'll have to go on the Internet somewhere. But it's good to get out and do something different, or at least a little bit different. Thanks for listening, dear diary. I love my life (today)!

Date: Friday 31st September 2009

KFC, Tesco Lotus Complex, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 5.04pm.

I'm here with my feet up on the chair next to me and the keyboard on my lap, much to the mirth and merryment of the locals around me.

Generally it's pretty good. Yesterday was a Mercury trine Mercury transit, so I made an effort to communicate. I sent out emails and posted message boards for Dharma Willing Advancement. Then I phoned A. She was really lucid. The packet I sent back with my papers in, driving licence etc. in has arrived safely. Carly is going to hold onto the documents and I'll apply later, perhaps on the full moon?

I logged onto Barclaycard and sorted out my Verified by Visa password, which means that I can actually shop online now, eg. Air Asia and get away from here; I really need a change. Also, I've almost sorted out my name change with paypal, which opens me to receiving money... though I don't know where, but it's a step towards reestablishing with ebay.

I bought more insurance, one hundred and fifty pounds, but it's for six months, I thought, it would only be invalidated if I go to the UK or Japan... and with the current time in the seasons and me having to stay here to start studying, I just can't see that happening.

I walked up to CareForre the other day. I did indeed get an XXL teeshirt, but it's in bluegrey, and so shows the sweat so easily it's basically useless. I must try again, I think realistically that Airport Plaza is my last bet, and the I Ching thinks that this will be the best way to go re: camera.

My visa's out soon, so I bought a ticket to Chiang Rai for the second, to do the visa run, and it was convenient while over that way. I bought fifty USD today for immigration and just to have.

I asked the landlady about a months rent when I get back, 4500, which is thirty pounds off, ninety for the month. Not the very cheapest, but since I moved room I have a chair and TV and the weather is such that I can easily stand a fan. Last night I watched 'The Departed'; great film. Sometimes I really look forward to TV.

I'm a bit down today, but not much really. Things are generally on track. I'm past the five grand of my personal money spent, but I think I have something to show for it. Yes. I'm happy and grateful today.

Date: Monday 2nd August 2009

Tourist Inn, Chiang Rai, Thailand. 11.50pm.

Well, I'm here. I've not been over the moon really. I want to be somewhere other than Thailand basically.

I had a miserable last day. I went to Miguel's for the first time in a month, and it wasn't so good, which is a shame as that place can usually cheer me up.

I checked out and came up here, and it was pretty uncomfortable, ordinary class. Then we arrived at the new terminal, which means that I had to ride out. I'd got the price down to ten, which is the correct price, But then I paid more to 'leave now', which I knew would be a rip off but these foreigners, an Italian couple and a Japanese man, talked me into it. But they took two Thais who paid less when they got off, laughing about Farangs, I.e. we'd paid for them.

So I went to the bakery but it was closed on a Sunday, so I treated myself to DaVinchi, and that's gone downhill and is no good also!

Perhaps tomorrow (almost today) will be better. I do notice that I spend too much time considering the petty, a trait common to many avoidant people.

Date: 8 August 2009

Thailand.

Dream

I was by a lake and was going to swim across to an island where I'd taken photos before, so that I could take them with my new camera -- and I looked at the and I looked at the new camera and thought that I should have bought a waterproof one. I thought about Joanne and realised that she actually owed me money and was surprised as she'd actually seemed honest and genuine when she'd borrowed it.

Interpretation

Joanne is the person I knew before I met Junko; basically she invited me into a sham relationship because she couldn't travel alone, then dumped me when she'd got to Australia! I think this dream is just integrating/healing the fact of how that all transpired, and that I was wholly used.

Date: Monday 10th August 2009

Darat Restaurant, Chiyapoom Road, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 9.28pm.

Funny thing, the mind, ennit?

I've been feeling fantastic, and everything goes well.

I bit the bullet and paid a month in advance. I did it at the weekend and had to go back a few times as the owner or her son weren't there. In the end, it was four and a half grand, which is about three pounds a day. They asked if I'd like a bigger room for no extra charge, and moved me. Now I'm in a place three times the size, with an outside drying balcony, two chairs, dresser come desk, bigger tv with headphone output (which sounds like the cinema when I plug in), nicer mattress and no banging doors at night, Basically all I want from life.

I saw musicman, that guy from Nong Khai with a laugh that used to carry right up from the Mekong. I was sitting studying and he came up and said, 'You were in Nong Khai, hi'. I said hi, and of course cold shouldered him, but he said goodbye when he left. I remember him telling people that he wanted to start a business, and that if he ran out of money he would go to Korea to teach for a bit. I get the feeling that he and his partner get around.

I started psychology study. I have 230 pages of the first book which I found on the Internet. I also had the idea of writing a revision guide and including the mind-maps I make anyway.

Yesterday I enrolled, on dse212, which is the psychology one. I think I'll do the English enrollment on Thursday, and send it the same day, the oracle said this will be OK, in the end. I have all the application printed out and looked at the guidance notes for funding. You have to be 'ordinarily resident', which I am as I squared that with Hammersmith when I was there, so it's all above board. I looked at the evidence I need to provide and I have all that already. Screenshots of bank statements, printed statements, amounts etc. It's all printed out and ready for me to fill up and get sent off.

The only thing is the Englsh ECA, which is due June 4th. The exams will be around the 15th and the oracle said I should go back just before that and then stay some time after. I'll have to start thinking about tickets.

I'm still doing now magic.

I bought incense and candles and started taking refuge ritually again, though I've been taking in otherwise anyhow.

That's about it I think...

Some notes I made previously, to include...

That time I went up to Carrefore and bought the teeshirt. I noticed that I stayed happy all day. Then I realised that it was because I took four long sitting breaks on the way up and so wasn't in any pain. The pain of my disease causes much moment-to-moment grumpiness in my consciousness.

Date: 13th August 2009

Chiang Mai, Thailand

Clairvoyance

I woke up and saw a sign or something, that said:

DO NOT COME BACK STANDARD

The 'come back' may have been 'return', but I think not.

Date: ?20th August 2009

Chiang Mai, Thailand.

Dream

I flew back to London and the next day I was to go up and see A. I started walking and got as far as Picadilly, even though I had no shoes on i.e. I was barefoot. I went into a shop where a woman remembered me from a long time ago. I looked at the wooly hats she had but couldn't find one I liked. I went inside and there was a long conversation with her partner which i didn't really enjoy.

I got on a bus and was trying to get to Goldhawk Road, my previously registered homeless address. Some guy referred to me as a young person. I spoke to the conductor but it was only going near to where I wanted. I paid, but only had a part of the money -- which he accepted.

I got off and had to walk through a shortcut which involved going through a fence.

I was transferring to an airport where the flights are even cheaper

[Note: remembered last] I stooped under a fence and stumbled and then couldn't get up. A guy came and helped me and I reflected on how nice he was.

I switched to a car vehicle and was travelling with a group. We were stopped by the police for a search. A wpc took me aside and was friendly but explained I would have to be searched. I said I wanted to go the the toilet first, but I went and accidentally urinated all over myself. I tried to hide it and realised that I was spending too much time in the bathroom and it would look bad.

Interpretation

Not fitting in there generally, I think.

Date: 21st August 2009

Chiang Mai, Thailand.

Dream

I was on a plane with a partner/a wife of something, and it was hijacked. We flew for a while and then the hijackers made us switch seats - because the plane had to crash land, though I knew that the seats they were giving us were actually safer and so I was happy. We hit the ground and were going along for quite some time and I just stayed in the moment.

We got to a building, which was, I think, a department store, by now the passengers were in [can't read this word]. There was another plane that had crashed by us and the same thing had happened to them and they seemed to be in the same situation i,e, passengers successfully mutinied.

Everyone got out and relaxed and I realised that the hijackers were still in the cockpits, so I found some police who turned out to be store security guards and questioned them anyway.

We all sat and relaxed but a while later the hijackers came back, all arrogant because they had managed to talk their way out of it and get away. I felt quite mad but easily that emotion go because there were lots of people involved and they would push for justice.

Then I was approaching a house owned by the family of a victim who had died in the crash. As I approached, I realsied that they had built a lifesized plane or plane crash or something, in their garden, possibly in remembrance.

I knocked on the door and a woman arrived. I said, 'I was with clare when we went down'. She thought for a moment and then let me in. I think I wasn't sure until that point, that clare had actually died. The woman silently let me in and I was shown to a room with a covered table in. I got up on it and stared jumping up and down on it, as I thought I'd been left alone there. It was kind of fun, but a young girl walked in and looked at me disapprovingly, so I stopped. What I thought was Clare's bedroom was actually a dining room. People joined me and food was served -- so I sat and ate. The food I was given was a floury baguette and french fries. I ate it and was surprised at how good it tasted. The egg had a salted butter taste, and floury bread was a soft baguette still warm from the oven.

Interpretation

I think it about not finding a partner, as when I was younger, Clarre was the first person I asked out. So I'm in the air with my dreams of how love/companionship could be, but it's hijacked by reality and crash lands. It's hard, but I have compensation i.e. a life on the road. So when they get away with it I let it go because everyone has to deal with reality and we all have these ???????.

I, presently, look back at it all at the victims house. I tried to just jump on the table and enjoy life hedonistically, but that won't work -- so I sit down and eat, and am surprised by how good the food is -- i.e. there is no real love -- buy my true work is exploring the psychology of obsession and practicing spirituality -- actually much more important than the thing I originally yearned for.

Starting Chinese Year of the Ox (09)

noreply@blogger.com (lifemagic) — Mon, 11 May 2009 10:55:00 +0000

Date: 25th January 2009
Chinese (Lunar) New year (of the OX)
Australia Day
@ Starbucks, Lotus Shopping Centre, Near the Highway, Nong Khai, North-East Thailand
5.05pm.

Dream

I was somewhere at night, I think it was the centre of Northampton. I passed two of my sister's friends to whom I had been introduced, but I didn't go and say anything to them. I kind of felt guilty about it but realized that I just didn't like their company, so why make the effort? I walked on a few meters to a queue waiting to go over a bridge. In the centre of the bridge there were three of something, I think they were dragons that seemed fairly safe, but they were guarded by two giant stone dogs that had come to life.

I was checking in on a Chinese plane. I was given seat number two, but when I sat there it was right over the driver's shoulder, so I went back and found a hostess to ask if I could move but she didn't understand what I was asking.

Then I sat at some foreign destination. It was an artist's shop that also had an attached restaurant. I looked for a little set of mixed paints but couldn't see them. I sat down at a table to order food. The waitress asked me if I ever go out. I said never but then said that I do. I asked about buying paints, if they had a set of mixed colours in small tubes. They looked, but only had small sets all in the same colour. I thought about asking if there was just a set of primaries, but hadn't seen any myself and so didn't bother.

Interpretation

This dream is about loneliness. I say my sister's friend. They aren't actually people I know in the waking world, but in the dream I did know them somehow and kind of liked one of them on some level â€“ but just like in waking life, I can't be with them, it's conflicting but how I am. Perhaps the bridge is crossing over to something different but I can't get past the demons. Perhaps the pain of previously being a third person (three dragons?). The dragons might represent using spiritual practice to transform myself to something else, but the dogs keep me from them.

Then I was on the plane, seat two. I think being at the very front means being concerned, primarily, with ultimate meanings of live but having no mundane aspect to me. It could also mean, previously, I had the intensity of the time with J. It could well be this as it ended with me passing out on a plane leaving Perth.

At the restaurant, I say that I don't go out, but I do. I do, go out but not as a euphemism for going out and living life connected to people somehow. All my paints are the same colour i.e. my experience and what I do is singular; there is no variety that colours my experience.

---

I seem to have meaningful dreams on Chinese New Year now, perhaps my unconscious has started a tradition?

I think the Chinese celebrated over the weekend, though today is a new moon, and so actually, the New Year starts today, of the Ox.

Here I am, back in Nong Khai. Some bits to report.

I started study of the computing course, M150, that lasts until October this year. There was some worry as I wasn't sure if I'd be able to get access to all the bits that I need to complete it, but not I've made some headway and it all seems doable.

Next, I got my essay back, the social science one I submitted an hour before I left Hanoi. 74%, so I'm back into the 'good pass' realm, up a notch and I'm on course for a 'good overall pass', rather than a clear one. So the study seems in order.

I've been here about a week. I have my long visa, so naturally I'm heading back to Chiang Mai. I don't know why, it's as close to home as I have I suppose, I can use buddies computers to further reduce my possessions, easily submit my essays. I can have lots of places to go to. You know. It will be OK for a time. Of course, there's only a horrible, direct bus, so I'm on the train down to Bangkok tomorrow, and perhaps I can just relax there for a bit I suppose. It's a second class berth, so I must look up how that is, but it's twelve hours, and it can't be worse than the sleeping bus.

The main news, not good, is that the Nikon camera I started using when the Olympus went down in Hue, wasn't actually taking pictures. Of course, the screen is cracked so I didn't know. Insanely, I've got the Olympus working, so I have no pictures of going to Hanoi, or Vientiane. I mean, I didn't really enjoy any of this time or have any significant experience, and it's actually only since Jan 1st, which is three weeks. I had those cameras a long time. I got the Olympus just after I arrived back in England... or was it later, no, it was later, but it owes me nothing. I remember living in Globetrotter in Hammersmith and I had that thing.

I must shop generally, my bags are ripped. the big one is so bad the airline made me sign a disclaimer when I took it on. The shoulder bag is wholly broken so that the flap just hangs down and people keep running up to me thinking I've just been robbed. I could also do with an electric heating element, knife, sun hat, shirt, beaker, night-light, torch, summer trousers, and just those things, I think a computer battery might be handy, or just an extension cable? Expensive time. Baht are up, I think it's 48 to the pound, as opposed to 62 when I started. 29% isn't it? I've economised. I'm in a simple room with the toilet outside. I only drink water when I'm out and have all meals at home. I'll have to have a few snacks somewhere when I leave Nong Khai, I suppose. Basically, I must just get on, you know?

Well, that's it. I have to correct some uni notes, go shopping, there's wifi at home so I can book the accommodation, check what the train will be like, I'm very tired recently, perhaps the change in heat? Yes, so I'll just get on. Must do the magic also. Good, Good really; I'm not complaining.

Date: Wednesday 28th January 2009
Sawadee Guest House, Meechai Road, Nong Khai, North East Thailand.
12.10am Local Time

Dream

Someone gave me some snuss (Swedish lip tobacco).

Interpretation

Possibly my unconscious isn't happy with my current habit of using ordinary smokes as lip tobacco.

---

I really am on a bad run... for quite some time right now.

There are no trains across Thailand, only up and down, which would mean going via Bangkok. The flights which I took last time, are now finished, I would have to fly down and up. Ugh, it's so hard getting information.

Two days ago, on the twenty sixth, I went to get a ticket to Bangkok. Last time I was in Nong Khai I tried to walk to the train station and ended up standing facing a brick wall at the end of a cul-de-sec, looking at the train rails beyond and no way to get to them, but then I found out about the flight.

So this time I decided to train. I got all the info but didn't know how to find the correct fare to get to the station. I could ask at Pantawee, but it really is a snobbish place. I've been to the counter a few times and they talk to white couples behind me, as though I'm not there. The one time a guy spoke to me he acknowledged what I was saying, but screwed his face up in disgust when he couldn't understand me.

Anyway, I could try the guest house owner. I'm not sure if he's well. He speaks very loud, but there's a slight pronunciation, like his lower jaw isn't moving so well. He walks by throwing one leg out very far each stride, and he repeats himself and seems to have trouble following what's going on. Fair enough, if he might have some kind of learning challenge. I asked him the correct price and give him his dues, I did get a right answer.

So, I went looking on the Sunday, Chinese New Year, but there was no one to take me.

Next day I got it... but was overcharged, of course. Got there and sat and thought about it. Looked at my notes. Made a decision. I went to ask. It's a small station and there was only one guy there, he was playing with his phone and didn't look up for the whole transaction. Yes, there was a lower berth for the next day. The price was OK, but when I said I wanted it, he just gave me a ticket from under the counter, rather than printed one out. So I looked at it carefully. It was due to leave the day after the issue Date, male, lower berth, second class, so, I thought, OK, and paid about twenty pounds.

I was ripped off for double price going to Lotus, and sat with a glass of water, the only thing I drink when out since the exchange rate collapsed. I suddenly thought the Dates were wrong, and checked it again, but no, it was OK as it left the day after it was issued.

You know what's coming don't you. I was on line at night, in bed as I am now as there's wifi here, and got confused as the websites wouldn't let me book it for the day I would arrive, and so I checked Google calendar. The train had left that day. I.e. the issue/purchase Date was the day before I bought it, so in other words it was for the same day, though I had asked for tomorrow. I think I was further thrown as Chinese New Year, when I wrap some things up, has a different celebration day to the actual New Moon, which is what I observe.

There was nothing I could do. Next day I went down and had to go to the atm. I tried to ask the owner, but he didn't understand what I was saying, he just drooled and shouted that it had gone (I was actually asking about refund policy). Suddenly my compassion for whatever he faces in life went and, for a moment, I was just plain irritated. I asked for advice on the message boards, but of course, it's my fault. One should always pay extra attention when a person you are dealing with is obviously paying none. Also, a golden rule, is to always be sure of the Date, i.e. todays Date, when you are off to buy a ticket. I was aware, in a way, I knew it was the day after Chinese New Year, which would make it the twenty sixth. I don't know, I just expected to be given a ticket which was issued the day I was buying it. It can't be a scam, because it was technically a ticket for forward Dated travel, at least, I don't think it was a scam. Look, I'm repeating myself, it's driving me mad (not really, I'm multi-tasking).

Anyway, what is going on. Really, travel has been a mess since I started slipping up in Hue. It's just sidetrack after balls up. But even before that, there was a lot of trouble in Nha Trang, hurting my foot, hurting myself generally, all the trouble I had, and then in Saigon, and I didn't settle in Sihanoukville. Basically, I haven't enjoyed the trip since I left Chiang Mai. I'm happy and grateful with life, just the travel hasn't gone well. So, what does that mean?

I think, for example Vietnam, I enjoyed it the first time; not this time. The first time I was doing as I pleased and trying to find out how to do a degree. This time I'm doing a degree and I have deadlines and it puts pressure on me. Now, I have to have wifi on certain days, and I have to stay still and settle for a few days in places that have a place I can concentrate and work, and Vietnam has few of those.

I think also the astrology might be bad. I have positive aspects, but Pluto is sextiling Neptune, which is causing all the misunderstandings. Also, Pluto tends to strip out all the things which aren't working in life. I think constantly moving isn't working as it once did. But also, when it was hard in Vietnam perhaps I idolized Thailand as this great place where it is all civilized and I can come back and work. And it is good, but I was thinking it is really as close as I have to home.

But strip out the dross and look at the situation, it's hard travel, the locals rip you off and I really only loved Chiang Mai. You can't say you've found the place you want to be if it is just one city... and I had my rough moments there. My God, is it just TV I miss!

Does travel still work for me? Is that what Pluto wants me to look at. I'm open to look at anything. But, what is the alternative. I can't afford England; I'm certainly not happy there and wouldn't be able to afford the degree. I guess, even at my age, I'm still looking around for where I belong, and perhaps considering that it's nowhere? Perhaps I should just be happy like this. I don't know, but that's the case for now.

Oh, I was the woman from Happy Internet in Pantawee today. She helped me get my sim last year. She was, back then, online flirting with this guy from Birmingham and was using me to make him jealous. Well, he's here now, running a pizza van outside her place. She pretended not to see me, which is fine, but nice to see her again. She looks really well.

I got bitten by a dog again today. I was out on the main road towards the highway and it was sleeping beneath a food stall. I had passed it but it suddenly woke up and I didn't see it until it was sinking its teeth into me.

I've checked the astrology. Most of the transits are going on until the end of the month. Perhaps I should hang around? I thought of busing across central Thailand. I can make it in three trips. I went today but the guy wanted three fifty and no ticket, which I think might be wrong as the first leg is Kong Kaen, just three hours away. There was a couple there with tickets for three fifty and I think perhaps to Bangkok, but they were Italian and didn't speak English. It's so hard to find independent, truthful advice. Just to get things clear in my mind, let me list my options:

Go slowly, from here to Udon thani one hour, two hours to Kong Kaen, six hours to Phitsanulok, another six to Chiang Mai. Disadvantage, in Udon I'd stop at the wrong side of the city and there's no prebookable accommodation, I'm not sure if there would be a bus straight to Kong Kaen and which station it would leave from, I don't know when the air bus to Phitsanulok leaves, awkward.

Bite the bullet and buy another ticket to Bangkok, then come up to Chiang Mai. Disadvantage, two twelve hour trips, expensive, having to stay in expensive Bangkok when I have no especial reason to be there.

Skip Udon, disadvantage, I might be being ripped off on the direct bus.

Oooh, I actually don't have so many options do I? I think I should wait it out for some time. It's quiet here, there's no great place to go, but if the stars are bad. I think tomorrow, I'd feel more confident if I had more info, like maps drawn, various hotel possibilities, bus and rickshaw prices and walking routes for most of it. So, it'll be three days or so of snarling dogs and just sitting in front of the computer. But I think if I make a concerted effort to get more info. If I do that for most of the day, then see if there's any chance of printing any maps out. It'll be an experience at the least, and I suppose I'm OK right now, I have my study and rent is just 200, not so much more than Chiang Mai... if it hasn't gone up there.

I wonder how A. is? Of course, I dareden't phone her with the stars like this.

Yes, everything is sqewiff at the moment, but it could be much worse and I'm happy, I suppose. I'm busy aren't I. Tomorrow, I'll stay around here. I'll see if there is somewhere I can plug in downstairs. Perhaps if I eat somewhere different as I'm in such a routine. If I make noodles also at night, rather than just economy bread and butter. I'm doing better magic now, and can perhaps do some down by the river. How about Mutmee. I know they were rude last time, but I'm such an unforgiving person, and there's nowhere else. I should perhaps give them a second chance, just so I can do something different. Then at night, I don't know. I only will be sans beans, god, there must be something else I like. You see, I feel overwhelmed when I try and move forward without enough information. I must study, my university work and my route, plan a b c d and e and then stride forward more confidently. And, I could at least phone a couple of places to try and book accommodation; I have a mobile signal again, that's something I can bear in mind. Yes, stop whining. I'm lucky, my life is lonely,but blessed.

OK, I'm go to sleepychops.

Date: Wednesday 4th February 2009
Sawadee Guest House, Meechai road, Nong Khai, North-East Thailand.
1.30pm

Dream

I was walking along practicing magick as I went (inner-mental type), in a carefree and joyful way.

Interpretation

Literal.

I'm leaving, finally, in half an hour.

Oh, it's been a wrench. First, I had to find out where the potential hotels are, then what the buses would be like to try and judge if I could take it, then I decided to just skip Udon as surely I can take a three hour journey, now I have second thoughts, mainly because the bus is so cheap. I went out today and got a ticket with a company called 407. I've looked at their buses in passing and it seemed bearable... though cheaper than my research indicates. I've saved 200 baht over the tout price (what they were asking at the bus entrance). Anyway, it's done now. If it's that bad... I don't know. I just won't get on.

I went over to Mutmee over the past three days, just to hang about; it's a guest house/restaurant. It's the main place everyone raves about and I went there last year and just didn't get it. This year, because I've just been to fast food places, I walked in determined to get served and at least try it. I did get it, basically I asked, they have no waiting service, you go to the kitchen and write down what you want. So then I had a really nice place to sit and work in the evening.

Anyway, I'm off now; I'll go toilet. Sad in a way as they're friendly enough here. Guess I'll be back.

Date: Friday 6th February 2009
Chaipat Hotel
Khon Kaen, Issan, NE Thailand
11.35pm

Great, so now I'm trapped somewhere else.

Actually, the bus was fine. It was just a standard AC bus with no frills. I had two seats to myself. I listened to some podcasts. I studied the Linux mind mapping software vym. We got to Udon and I wasn't sure if I could get off but stayed on and arrived OK. I was listening to Gill when we arrived, so I walked off with my earphones and continued listening, then went looking for the hotel. I found it straight away, unfriendly and more expensive than I thought, but I checked in and went to KFC.

Next day I went to the tourist office and asked about the buses to Phitsanulok and she gave me a sheet, two in the afternoon was best, lots of companies, just ask anyone and it was all easy. So I went off to the station, and queued at the first place, but that was only at Bangkok. I kept asking at other places, but they all kept pointing me to somewhere else, different places, no one going. I found the 407 office and they pointed me to another place yet again. I decided to give up and go to the toilet, and when I went I passed some counters and asked there. There were about six females behind the counter, and they were messing about and joking, one of them was running around screaming at the top of her voice and being chased.

There was an older woman there and I asked her, though she had trouble making herself heard. She didn't speak so much English, and I speak no Thai, but showed her the timetable I got from the tourist board and she crossed out the 2pm time and wrote 9,10,11,12.

I went back to the tourist board to be sure. The same woman explained that there is an air con and non-air con station, she'd given me a timetable for the non-air con station as only here could I go at two pm. She said there would be lots of places to get a ticket, there was two air con buses, one at two pm. and gave me the name of three places, all of whom could sell an air ticket for two pm.

So I walked to the non-air con station, found an information window. I asked the times, 9,10,11,12. I asked for Samba tour or Issan, but no, go round the corner to the counter, where there is Issan tours.

I asked at a window and was directed opposite. I went opposite and was directed back there. I asked for Phitsanulok and was told I couldn't advance buy, and they couldn't say what class the bus would be. I went opposite and say 'Easarn' written on the receipt, which I think is what I was looking for, but she didn't speak English. I went back to the tourist board and she was irritated and phoned for me, and swore that Samba go at two o clock and there was an office there.

I left it for that day. Today I went back and started asking for Samba tour. I was again directed all around the bus station until I ended up in a separate wing in front of a cubical and a man said Samba tour was next door. I went next door and a man said he would escort me to Samba tour, and I was led back to the other building, to Issan tour office.

I walked back to the office that had identified itself as Samba tour and asked about Phitsanulok and was told it only goes at six pm. So, that was today gone.

I've thought about it, and realised that the 9,10,11 that they wrote on my timetable at the air con station was probably the non-air times as that's the timetable she wrote it on.

So, I'm trapped again. If I can only get to Phitsanulok I am near a train station, or perhaps can get a bus up from Bangkok. I checked the astrology (ugh... I wish I didn't believe in it), and I'm near the zenith of the Pluto/Neptune transit, and there's not much I can do about it.

Anyway, my options are:

Take the evening bus to Chiang Mai AC

Take the evening bus to Chiang Mai and get off at Phitsanulok early in the morning

Take the non-ac bus from whoever I can get it from

Go via Bangkok

If I go for number one, I still will have trouble knowing the company, and stuff.

The bus station in Phitsanulok is outside town I think, or not in the centre, though I can't find a map with a scale that includes the station, just an arrow showing it's direction.

I think better is if in the morning tomorrow, I go and get the ac times, then actually go back at that time and look at the buses and see the names of the companies, or ask them and where to get a ticket. I'll have to hang around the bus station for an hour or so I suppose... perhaps the Chiang Rai bus goes via Chiang Mai (though I doubt it).

One advantage is that I will save an accommodation night.

I've got quite a bit of study done since I've been here. It's a boring place I suppose... but where isn't? All this work to get to Chiang Mai... and the thing is, I don't even want to be there. In my mind, it would have been better to make it through Vietnam. What is the advantage of making it there. Here, I study in Starbucks and walk around the shopping centre as I'll do there. There were more eating options... but I don't really eat out since the exchange rate downtown. I can treat myself sometimes. What are the advantages of going to Chiang Mai at this point?

More places to eat

More places to work

More blasé people

More travelers' scene

Nice walk everyday

Cheaper monthly accommodation rates

Easy onward travel options

More English spoken

Can get a phone card and speak to A regularly

Ugh. Well, I suppose also, with a theoretical six month visa, I can stop traveling for a bit and the pressure is off me.

Yes, that's it, think positive, because what's the alternative? I can't stay here, there isn't the accommodation choices, as there isn't in Bangkok. Also, I did want to go and see Pai, finally (even though I only heard about it last year). Don't know if I'll like it, but I think it is something new to see.

That's about it. Could me worse. Still happy with my life.

Date: Saturday 7th February 2009
Chaipat Hotel, Khon Kaen, Issan, North-East Thailand
11.42pm.

Well, I guess I could have done more today, but it wasn't so bad. The room is expensive though.

I paid, then walked to the bus station, the air-con one. A schoolgirl of perhaps eighteen walked with me. She told me she was a famous film-star of the area, and laughed, then told me she was mad, and kind of babbled on. I didn't get so much, other than she feels a compulsion to talk to foreigners when she sees them.

In the station, a uniformed guy came and asked if he could help. This was a better start. I wanted to know about Chiang Mai this time, so he directed me back to the window I had been to before. So, I went and the same women were there, but a bit calmer, so the messing about of yesterday was a one-off perhaps, though they still made it fairly obvious that they didn't like dealing with me.

... and so the story becomes clearer, a little. Samba Tours, which I was asking about (basically because it is the easiest to pronounce) only go Sunday and one other day, perhaps Tuesday, but two others go, also on staggered days, and so it's a daily evening service. They may stop in Phitsanulok, but they were non-committal as to where it would stop... so it might not even be at the bus station.

Then 'the penny dropped', as the ... I don't know, some people say to indicate sudden comprehension. She mentioned the name of the other two bus companies that go... which are the names of the companies the ... idiot... at the tourist board sent me off to the non-air con bus station to look for. They aren't daytime bus companies but the ones that go onto Chiang Mai.

Now, that might not be right... but it might not be wrong.

OK, that's my 'moving on effort for the day' done. I walked down to Macdonald's I like to go to two or three places just for a drink, then I try and get through ten pages of my workbook (university) and if I can do it then I've made a good dent into one of the units. If I try and do them all in one sitting I get fatigued, and so eventually I'm reading the words, but there's no comprehension registering.

Anyway, I went down there and it was Saturday, so far too noisy, so I came back thinking I should do a wash while I have a balcony. The receptionist doesn't like me, but... does anyone? So I came up but the room hadn't been done. I couldn't do it in case they came in and washing isn't allowed, so I did my ten pages here and finished a unit.

Then they phoned and wanted to do it, so I sat outside, then came back in and washed my jeans. It was so warm a lethargy came over me that didn't quite leave me all day. I went out to KFC but the wifi wasn't working. I asked about it and ascertained that it was owned by the shopping centre (the wifi) and so there was nothing I could do about it.

I went shopping, remembering to use my loyalty card, and came back, to the arrogant receptionist and not so much to do. As I had finished a unit, I had planned to work on new things generally, get podcasts for a future journey.

I don't know what to do. Tomorrow is a luckyish day astrology-wise, I say tomorrow, it's today as it's past midnight, the day after is a full moon, the day after that the Pluto transit reaches its exact zenith So it's too expensive to stay here, but not so lucky perhaps leaving right now. I don't know.

The M150 course officially starts today (yesterday). I've already studied the unit and the TMA is released today. Of course, I couldn't download it. So that's that.

Oh, rubbish. I don't know what to do. I have so much to plan and write and start and find out... but I am still present and grateful. I should just make the most of it.

I think tomorrow, I should go and ask about the Chiang Rai bus, as maybe that leaves at a better time... though I doubt very much it takes the same route going through Phitsanulok.

Then it's just a matter of working all day I suppose. Perhaps if I don't bother with Diamond Plaza but go straight to the other one. What if the wifi doesn't work? I must ask about it downstairs, when the receptionist that just dislikes me rather than hates me is on.

Yes. It's not so bad. Perhaps I can do another wash. I must get some vanish stain remover. I hate my clothes. They're all from Tesco and cheap and shabby, even ones you pay a bit more for, my bags all split. I've worn the same nylon trousers for way over a year. Perhaps I can look for something tomorrow? I hate shopping though. But whatever. At least I'm well and have somewhere decent to live.

Date: Wednesday 11th February 2009
Chaipat Hotel, Khon Kaen, Issan, NE Thailand
12.00am

Still here; it's too expensive; I'll have to think about leaving really. Make tomorrow the last day? As I say, I don't want to move on so much... but I think I'd better.

I am getting a lot of stuff done. The essay deadlines approach, but I'm on top of the study, just about. There's so much to do though. I think, a rough plan can be, go to CM for a day and get all my essays sorted out and extend, then have a clear month in Pai, then come down and decide what I want to do. The first month I can sort out the last of the cd's so they're uploaded and I'm not carrying them, then I can upload them from KSK while I'm doing the essays and other work. I can order the study books I need and make the longer-term plan. Off to Pai, and back for shopping and onward travel. Yes, I think this could work?

I'm kind of bored here. Yes, I'll feel like that anywhere I go, but I'm in a routine, which is boring. I get up and pay, go to MacDonald's and study ten pages, go to the toilet in the Diamond Plaza. Walk to KFC. Eat and study ten pages and go shopping down in Topps (remembering to use my loyalty card), then go to Starbucks and type up my notes, then walk home.

But it's not a travelers centre. I eat exactly the same thing every day. I know I'm not looking forward to the bus and the alternative isn't much better, but really, there's no choice. Basically, it's the uncertainty, not being able to find out exactly how the bus will run but having to leave it that I don't know until I actually get on the bus. I asked the oracle, and it said go air con to Phitsanulok... which is the worst idea the way I see it. To go non-ac is darkening of the light, but that could refer to me arriving at the evening.

Ugh. Well, I have the excuse of doing a last wash tomorrow, then I must come back early and I'm done. It's just one day, then either I'm there, or I'm in Phitsanulok with an easy connection.

I had no idea that the travel in Thailand was like this; I've only ever stuck to the main tourist sites.

Date: Saturday 14th February 2009 -- Valentine's Day
Chaipat Hotel, Khon Kaen, Issan, North East Thailand
12.55am.

Yep, still here. But I've done a load of work, all my washing, cleaned one of my bags. I bought little Velcro straps to tie all my electrical leads into neat bundles rather than a big tangle. I laid all my stuff out and am proud of how little I own, and I intend it to be less. Overall good. Of course, tomorrow is Saturday, not a good day to leave bus-wise, but I think if I perhaps go to the station for a Sunday ticket, then I know I'm on the way.

I finished the study for DD122. When I say finished, I read the last book and wrote the last note and typed the last note and corrected the last note I took. Now I have to list all the possible references, make mind-maps, plan essays, research essays, write and submit one essay electronically, send the other hard copy and await my final score. But, I feel some sense of achievement already, of having gone through it all. I started looking at the course material on a bus going down to London a year ago (just a year?), and started properly working at it in South Pacific Coffee Company on Hong Kong Island, and here I am wrapping up. Of course, it's a load of work yet.

And of course, I just realised I have two units of the new course to get done also... so it's all go. If I have a few days in Phitsanulok, then I can have a clear month in Chiang Mai, this lets me get the course fairly clear, guaranteed wifi and decent post. plus receive the other course books, and plan where next. Yes, I think this will be OK, roughly, plus I'm there to receive the paperwork I'll need to apply for next year's funding.

So... it's taking much longer than I wanted to actually get over there, but I'm generally on track for everything.

It bothers me I can't get up and down off the floor (because of my bad leg). I remember for over five years I had trouble getting up and down stairs, and I had a dream about practicing on the stairs in Hari Krishna GH in Delhi as the steps were low and had banisters close by either side, and that worked out and nowadays, I don't think twice about thinking both legs.

So I've been practicing squatting exercises twice a day (without fail) for about four months. When I was in Vietnam in Nha Trang, there were low bars on a window and I could practice going really low.

Today I had a sudden piece of inspiration that I could find a piece of thick elastic, purpose made perhaps, to put the centre over the soles of my feet, hold the ends with my hands, lay on my back and practice and push my feet towards the ceiling (if you see what I mean). That's something In must keep an eye out for in Chiang Mai.

So many things I want to get there:

Camera

Phone

Knife

Sun hat

Nice clothes

Bag

Elastic for stress exercise

USB light

Battery charger

DVD cull of my cds

Yes, let's make tomorrow my last day, as it will have taken me a month to get to Chiang Mai, although if I have at least seen something new and been in a place free of distractions to finish all this work up. I think it's due on the tenth, the essay I mean, so I can have a couple of weeks on it at least. So... I'm all clear.

Then again... all the planning, new courses to be on and stuff, tickets to arrange, plus I want to start on these books, the ones I want to write I mean. At least life is simple with no friends or possessions. It could be worse.

It's a long time since I spoke to someone though. I think going on five months. I must get a card and speak to A.

Date: Monday 16th February 2009
Chaipat Hotel, Khon Kaen, Issan, North East Thailand.
About half twelve in the morning.

... And so it goes on and on. I went to leave yesterday, determined to follow the I Ching's instruction and buy a ticket from the a/c station, as it would arrive at eleven pm. there's still time to do something. So I went in the morning, but she said it arrives at midnight and couldn't specify where it would stop, other than 'outside Phitsanulok'.

So I, again, walked up to the non-a/c station and there a woman from Easarn was at least nice. There was a second class air bus leaving at two pm, yes it leaves daily. It takes six hours and stops twice on the way, ending at the main bus station in Phit (which I found out is three kilometers away). So, perhaps that is bearable? There's a first class bus... but it goes in the evening.

So I'm packed up, and tomorrow I'm just walking out with my bag, as this is too expensive, plus the wifi has been wholly down for four days now and I'm just about finishing up all the work I can do off line

Before the wifi went off, I looked at my birth chart and transits at www.astro.com. As I recall, there's a long transit, is it with Neptune, that causes self-doubt. That's certainly true today. It came on about an hour ago, from nowhere, like a cloud of general self-loathing descended on me. I felt worthless and useless all of a sudden... I mean more so than I usually do.

Oh, but tomorrow... the bus. The oracle seems to think the start will be OK, but the end is 'darkening of the light' with the interpretation of having been weakened and needed to work on that.

But I recall, it was the I ching that put me here, so perhaps I should just go.

Whatever happens, I'm packed up and am walking out with everything I own tomorrow. I went back to the non-a/c station early evening to get when the buses would start. Six am. which is nuts, but I think there's a ten fifteen. I'll try and go for that. If anything happens, I'll come back for the ac one and just hang about, and if not, to hell with it, straight to Chiang Mai, and if not, then I'll goddamn go to Bangkok. But I WILL leave tomorrow.

Actually, the thought of going to Bangkok kind of does it for me now.... then again, the thought of going anywhere does it for me right now. I just want a change basically I want... something.

I'm going to try and sleep. Thanks for putting up with me, dear diary, as rubbish as I am.

Date: Thursday 18th February 2009
LiThai Hotel, Phitsanulok, Central Thailand.
1.22am

Arrived. Made it. AOK... generally. I've written up what happened to me, as something I'm going to post on a travel message board, but I'll put it here to save me retyping it; it might read a little odd as it includes writing intended for anyone following the route

Next day I arrived at 9.45 and there was no one at the counter. I asked the guy at the next counter and he said no 10.15 bus to Phitsanulok. I went to the counters opposite and they said no bus at 10.15 and no Easarn bus.

Madness. So I left and went to the first bay (the one with no toilets). I was leaving back to the main road, planning to throw myself under a departing bus, die and be done with this cruel world, and passed Somba tour (in the first bay), and saw a sign that said 10.15. I went and asked, yes, yes, YES, Phitsanulok at 10.15. 202 baht. Six hours, two stops, will stop at the main station. Paid, peed, got on.

It was second AC, meaning the exterior was white and orange. padded seats four abreast, tad cramped, I'm 6ft3in and could just squeeze me legs in, but then just put them in the aisle and it was comfy enough. The seats had numbers and I'd chosen my seat from a map on the lady's computer. Approaching the bus they'd put my big bag in the hold but wouldn't take my case. Someone else in a uniform showed me on the bus and the seat numbers were adhered to... so it was quite civilized and OK for six hours. I put my case in the storage above. It was a big bus that said 'Chiang Rai' on the side, and was about a quarter full, though I had two seats. We left about ten minutes late, but God, at least I was going somewhere.

It took about two hours until the first stop. On the way we stopped about three times to pick up people hailing the bus from bus stops but it still wasn't busy. At the main station I got off to go to the toilet, three baht and very clean and nice indeed.

Got back on and it was about two thirds full, but I still had two seats. We stopped to pick up someone about every 20 minutes, but the bus stopped about 50 seconds each time. The road got quite windy and the conductor made me take my case down and put it on the seat next to me.

Two hours later there was another stop. It was a proper station, very quiet, and a toilet option, though I didn't need to go so I just sat there. I think one or two people got on but they all avoided the farang so I had two seats.

Off we went again. I was quite happy by now as we were getting there and I hadn't expected very much but really, it wasn't so bad.

We kept stopping occasionally to let people on, and sometimes off, then five old women got on and it was full. I had to put my case back up. This irritated me as I'd wanted to put it in the hold (it's only dirty washing). When I stood up my trousers were half down and my a*s flashed everywhere and the women stood there laughing. Well, then one sat next to me; she sat there for 20 minutes, then I had to stand to let her out and they all got another eyefull. So, the bus was full at one point, but all seated, no one standing.

On the approach to Phitsanulok, say the last half hour, we stopped every half hour to let people off. We finally pulled into Phitsanulok station. I went toilet, then realised there were no tuk tuks (I haven't seen any in Phit), so I walked back to the main highway we had been traveling on, and (with the station behind me) I turned left (heading west) and walked for about 1.2 kilometers. There the road splits, one rising up to be elevated, one staying at ground level. I stayed on the lower one and then hit the train tracks, and was thus able to orientate myself on the Phit map I had got from travelfish.

OK, so the thing I'd been dreading is done, and wasn't really so bad. I went to KFC at night and the room is OK.

I phoned A. last night. She's OK. Carly got the cheque and hasn't cashed it yet... I think. There's no real news, except the house has been let, to a professor from the University (in Northampton). She seems OK and had been getting my letters... both of them.

Here, I go to Toplands plaza every day. Where ever I go it's very quickly into the same routine. I find the main mall and hang there all day, mostly sitting in KFC and studying. I finished the DD122 study, I mentioned that didn't I. I did one and a half units of the computing course today, a lot of work really. I'm happy staying another couple of days or something. If I make the mind map for 122 and write things I need to research and an outline, I think that might help. I'll have over two weeks, but I'll have to start the other essay soon after. That has to be sent from Chiang Mai again... so it will really be the same routine as last time. So, that's about it.

There was a woman checking in to the hotel when I did; we arrived the same time as coincidence. They took us up to look at the room together. When she spoke to me it's so long since I spoke that I don't think I make sense to native English speakers anymore.

Plus I'm going mad of course I think it's subtle, but a definite step downwards. I have noticed my eyes don't go up anymore. I mean, I can look up if I want to, but have generally stopped looking at human beings. I mean, I rarely have cause to anyway. But I just noticed somehow that I've stopped. So, in KFC, I walk in and my eyes don't come up at all, they go to the menu and I point, salad and fries, no drink. Then when I have to give the money I kind of look behind or look around at inanimate objects, and no one seems to notice; they must think I'm preoccupied or just taking in the environment... like I don't live in KFC now like I lived in Burgerking when I was younger.

I can do this checking in the hotel, any hotel. I walk in and look all around and someone approaches me or I go up to the desk and I ask about the room and if I can see it and I can just keep looking around, and no one notices that I just don't look at them at all.

I don't think I used to do that; though I don't know how it started. Maybe I'll never look someone in the eye again, and is that bad? I mean, if I've been looking at people all this time, it doesn't do me any good. So why even mention it? I guess it's because I noticed the difference for some reason. Even walking around the mall, I naturally focus on merchandise or whatever and people are just passing blurs that I don't see.

So, I'll probably be taking the evening train. I'm listening to an audiobook Cell by Stephen King and am really enjoying it. I'll try and get most of the studying part of the studying done before I leave. There's no rush for Chiang Mai is there? The rent's three fifty here though.

I'm happy and grateful overall, still. It's a good time and I feel good. Despite the morose complaining and stuff; I love life today. Thank you for my day, whoever.

I said 'I guess' somewhere in this post, J. taught me to say that.

Date: Sunday 22nd February 2009
LiThai Hotel, Phitsanulok, Central Thailand.
11.42pm.

Sixteen years to the day that I first left England, and tomorrow in J's birthday.

So... it was a good day. I have my little routine, the routine I fall into one way or another wherever I go. Get up and walk to the main mall, sit in a fast food restaurant, shop and come home; though I am far from complaining.

I walk along the river to get to the Toplands Plaza. It's nice. Yesterday I was attacked my ants, so today I was careful, as I sat under a brick structure and looked at the fawn brown water flowing by. I reflected... generally, and on the day I first left UK in 1993.

I think if someone had have said to me then, leaving the airport (and I often have thoughts like this (did I write about them before)), look, you're going now and it will be an adventure for a few years. You might kind of love and lose but no one will really want to be with you, you'll never really be close to anyone, but, in sixteen years time, you'll still be in SEA, on a fully funded degree course and having never had a job... actually, I don't know what I would have said.

But that's a 'what if', the thing is, what do I say now? I say, what an amazing adventure. Yes, no guarantees, but I'm trying and I have a while to work things out.

I went to buy a ticket; it was booked for today, but I'm going at nine at night tomorrow. I arrive at six in the morning, and it's a long walk in, but it won't be too hot and I can take it easy I suppose. I can finish listening to my audiobook. I can work all day, well, as long as my battery lasts. I think tomorrow, I'll have a drink downstairs and then I can ask about the plug? Then I'll walk up to the post office, then the cybercafe, then Toplands, yes, the time will fly by. Let's hope they'll store my bag here.

I've been thinking about getting a kettle. In the shop, I buy almost the same thing every day. Most things here have too much sugar in for me to eat. So, I have two apples, a tin of beans, a loaf of bread, a half pint of milk, a box of cornflakes, and that's it. The only variation was a tin of olives once (weird variety, couldn't eat them), some salted broad beans, sunflower seeds and watermelon seeds. I mean, I have a vitamin pill and my diet's not bad, but it's not good either. Outside of Thailand, it's similar food, but no beans.

So I toyed with the idea of a cooker, but it will be far too much trouble. But a kettle would make a big difference. I could have noodles daily, which are cheaper and better for me. I could get tea and occasional soups to dip bread in, all this will be better for my health, and wallet. Plus, I could drink boiled water, rather than bottled water, this would pay for itself. Also, I could do a small wash every day, or every other day, in very hot water.

Perhaps I could look into a cooker in the long term, I'll see how it works. Right now, I must try and find a kettle that's acceptable small.

Then I must get new bags. There's such a gap in the huge one I have, where all the negatives used to be. I keep looking at them each time I go out. I must deal with the last of my papers and decide what I'll be doing with the things I want to store, that way, everything I'm carrying will be functional in some way, and often used.

A knife, that's another thing I need, and it will increase the options concerning fruit and so on.

I don't think there's anything else to say. It'll be nice to go in a way... I know I was complaining about Chiang Mai before. Plus, I can't really afford to go out daily now. But there are more places to sit and work, two Starbucks, a kfc, a mickydee. I mean, if this is where I'm at home.

But I'm quite at home in the hotel, well, any hotel. I thought about it earlier. I could be in Europe and buy a cheap caravan and lease the land. I'd never need a visa or to leave whichever country it was in. But it feels wrong. To be in a place that is all mine and nothing to do with anyone else. No one will ever come in. I mean... it just doesn't feel right. I think it's a hard thing to admit that I'll spend all my life in a hotel (or somewhere that feels like a hotel), because that's just not the way things are supposed to be. But, ugh, it's night and I should sleep. It's past midnight. Happy birthday Junko!

Date: Wednesday 25th February 2009
Lanna Thai Guest house
Back of the Night Market
Chiang Mai
1.10am

Made it. Took way over a month, but I'm here. The place is like a magnet isn't it? I came here when I left J, I came here when I was laden down with possessions that needed to be archived. Now I've come because my China visa wasn't ready (or whatever happened).

Anyway, back in Phitsanulok, I didn't sleep for ages. It must have been four or five in the morning when I dropped off.

Got up and checked out. The hotel was well accustomed to Farangs so I could leave my bag off. I went and sat by the river, then wrote a birthday postcard to J and sent it. Then I walked onto Toplands I went toilet and came and used the computer in a cybercafe for an hour and a half, then three hours doing absolutely nothing in KFC. Well, thinking.

I still have all the self-doubt at the minute. I keep thinking back to my past and the things that made me this way, whichever way that is.

I walked back along the river in the evening. There was a bit of life going on, so I went back to the little cafe next to the hotel, for the first time. The food was too sweet to enjoy, but it was AC and somewhere to sit. Then I went to the station.

It was dark, grimy and depressing and I sat there for about half an hour. There was no information in English and the announcements were in Thai. I asked at the ticket window and the train was delayed by two hours. So... I just sat there. I wondered what J was doing on her birthday and I sent her good thoughts.

It became apparent that the security guards were keeping an eye on me and I was directed to another platform, then another one prevented me from getting on the wrong train. Then mine came.

I had a lower berth by the door. Everybody had already bedded down so I got sorted out, then couldn't find my keys, then I just lay there. It was impossibly hot and I had to detach half the curtain to get some air in; but even then it was uncomfortable.

I carried on listening to the novel. The display on my mp3 is broken, been broken now for about two years, but I listened to the first file... and the story concluded after half an hour and I realised that it had actually been the last file. I felt bad my keys were gone, and there was no space to lock anything up. I lie for about an hour and a half I think. Then I just fell asleep. I think I woke at one point and the carriage had become cool and windy. I noticed that most people there were farangs. I fell asleep again, and when I opened them it was light and everyone was getting off. I sent a thought of thanks to my subconscious for waking me, then had a coffee at the station cafe. Then I walked to the night market.

I had two hand drawn maps, one from the hotel website, and one from a travel website, but they contradicted each other. I followed the hotel one and it was wrong, but a driver directed me when I was close. I asked and the room was 500. I said the website said 380 and that is for fan. She showed me a ground floor room, then seemed surprised when I didn't take it. She asked why I didn't want the upstairs room and I could sense that this was a better one so I took it at no extra charge. It's almost what I was paying in Khon Kaen, and has no air con... though it a bit bigger. Basically, it's a bit overpriced, but it wasn't so much of a walk, and I am close(ish) to the gpo if I go tomorrow and ask about using the Post Restant to have a book sent to me.

I went out this evening and looked around Panthip computer plaza. There's a usb charger for 190, so I'll have to do a bit of research about batteries, but really I should get that, and also an extension cable that looks light and is unbelievably cheap... though is it safe? Quite a few camera choices. I think if I go and use the wifi tomorrow for the things I need to do, then I don't need to be here, over near night market, for quite a while. Yes, that's a good plan.

The mouse button on the computer, well, touch-pad button, is unresponsive, though I'm not near Hong Kong and the guarentee is out soon. I might ask around to see if I can get a mouse, of course I'll need to test one and generally, that's not possible as they're sealed. I'll ask though, as I do need it. When I start doing more graphical work that's going to be a lot easier.

Yes, so I'm back and can get on with stuff. There are still quite a few issues, but really, it could all be a lot worse and I'll look forward to my day tomorrow.

Date: Tuesday 24th March 2009
Starbucks outside sofa, overlooking Kad Suan Kaew, with my feet up and the laptop on my thighs (the height of decadence).
About half six at night.

Wow, it's a long, long time since I wrote, though I always seem to say that nowadays; oh, it's so hard for us undergraduates.

I'll try and remember what happened. It was too expensive staying up Lanna Thai, so I picked a place nearer to Kad Suan Kaew, where I seem to spend most of my time. I picked Paikini from the review on travelfish. It was quite a walk. When I finally got there, a young lady told me it was now 400, a hundred more than I'd expected, though when I hesitated, it rapidly came down a hundred, without breakfast. I saw from the menu that breakfast was fifty, but she said that would be for two as it's a double room. The first place I stayed there was really comfy, but I realised that they have wifi but only available in the lower rooms and so I moved down and the mattress was uncomfortable, but I was connected at least.

I stayed a few days and decided it wasn't a bad deal and I would ask about the monthly rates, six thousand, so I would save three thousand. I booked it and waited about twelve days, but then she said the occupier had continued, and so I couldn't move. I got the feeling that I'd been duped, so I moved out the next day.

I came over to a place called Sripoom, a hundred cheaper, but no monthly available until next month, when I might be up in Pai. But it's comfy enough and I'm settled for now.

What else happened while I was in CM.I bought a kettle. I thought about it for ages, I was thinking about it went I first arrived, thinking that I could use it to purify water, and have noodles and soup and vary my diet. I was going to look for a simple element that would fit in a cup, but then I saw a little travel kettle in Central, so I bought it, and it's as I thought it would be. I make noodles and add tofu and fresh lemon, I haven't bought a bottle of water for days, and so it is paying for itself in a way. Ironically, I don't actually drink hot drinks.

I phoned A. She was kind of having a bad turn. She'd received a letter from the post office saying that the redirection service she gets will run out soon and she has to send another cheque or any mail will be destroyed. She somehow got the idea that I had the same service and that I would get tax demands that would be ignored and I'd be in trouble and have to pay all my university fees back. I don't know how she got this idea. No matter how I tried to explain it to her she just couldn't accept it and was begging me to come back 'to sort it out'. The only way I could reassure her was to promise to text Carly all about it, which I didn't. But I did phone A the next day and she'd calmed down and I just explained that I don't receive mail except from the bank and uni, and so it was a mistake. But I will be getting tax letters from the bank next month and I will need them, so that's something for Carly, if she doesn't mind.

I was bored one night, so just surfed for fun, oh, the luxury of wifi in bed! Well, I found my nephew's profile on myspace. There's hardly anything there, just a couple of bad quality photos. He's 25 now, and like myself, really doesn't look that good.

Another person I found was Matthew, the kid I knew at school and went to the reading festival with. There's quite a few pictures of him in the galleries. I haven't seen him since I was nineteen. I stumbled across his profile once, but then could never find it again for some reason. It sent me on a downer to be honest. Over the years, I've searched every now and again, perhaps a quick Google every couple of years, just to see if he surfaces. I didn't hang around with him so much, but he's one of the few people who actually had an effect on my life, I mean a positive effect. He turned up out the blue once and invited me to Reading, and that gave me the appetite to go out and live life. Plus, he was starting a BTEC in media studies and got me onto being a mature student. I got him into Oxfam. Of course our friendship didn't last because I was an avoidant and couldn't get on with his friends. But, he was nice, one of the few really nice people I ever met.

Anyway, when the search tool picked up his name and linked it to Northampton, I knew it would be him. The browser suddenly started crashing so I didn't get to see so much. I saw he's completely bald and looks old, as I do, perhaps over forty. Maybe that's the depressing part, because I remember messing about with him at school when we were twelve.

He has some pictures up. I think there were three of himself, some of 'running', some of Munich and most were of his cat. I think perhaps it was depressing that he didn't find someone. Of course he didn't or there would be a photo. You put what's important up on profiles. Perhaps he's happy like that. But I've always mixed in these, lower, sub-groups I think. Like Darren. I just know people who don't work or marry. But I'm being presumptuous Matthew was always hard working, I would imagine at least that he works.

I saw two pictures of him, he was alone in both of them, and looked kind of, 'outsider'. I don't know. It would be nice if I knew someone who just got somewhere.

I've worked my ass of on the essay, I'm doing it now, have put so many hours in. This is the last one. I got number three back a few days ago and my grade was down to an average. So I'm trying hard to make it up now.

There's not much else, or perhaps there is but I just don't recall now.. I have some diary notes, so I'll include them as a retrospective when I get round to it. I think about her all the time, in an insane and unhealthy way, in a way that makes me wan to be free of it. I think it's working though. I understand what I really want now, which is not to feel attached, rather than to be with any particular person.

I'm off Friday to put the essay in the post. Then I have three days to finish my first essay of the computer course. I had to make some forum postings and I still have some study to do on that; I'm not enjoying it right now to be honest. It'll be better when I have this first course out the way. I looked into having a course book sent to me to get ahead in a future course, but people on the internet warned me that any book sent to post restant would go missing. So, I'm just one hundred percent focused on finishing this essay, and getting some space in my time.

Date: Monday 30th March 2009
Starbucks, Thaepae Road, Chiang Mai. 8.10pm

Friday! Ha!

I put the essay in the post today, about three hours ago.

Always in Starbucks, well, that's how it looks isn't it? But I only drink a fifteen baht drinking water. It was actually the weak, warm coffee here that stopped me drinking it in public.

I always seem to finish essays right on the deadline. So, this is the last one. I got up a bit later than I wanted, but what to do? Last night I realised that I'd actually printed out an earlier version of the essay, and so I couldn't do any work. This morning I went to the cybercafe that used to be a French restaurant and just printed it. The printer has something wrong and it left blotches everywhere. It's been that way for years, though she did her best. Anyway, I had four diagrams to integrate, two pictures and I was 300 words over the allowed target. I've felt so overwhelmed and harried doing this for so long. It reached a crescendo today, but I had to just turn to the work, concentrate and get it all done.

Then in the end, considering everything, I was reasonably happy. It's in the ballpark. My last essay slipped to a C. I really need this grade to be good to keep an overall B average and get a 'good pass' certificate, rather than a 'clear pass'. So, I went the extra mile. Only one problem, not only did I not get any videos or tutorials as other students do, but the detailed instructions for what was expected in the essay were on an Audio... which I don't actually have!

So, I've just done the absolute best I can, with the whole course. It's quite an emotional time in a way. Well, not emotional, I mean significant. I remember first deciding that I wanted a degree, aged nineteen, and I went to the careers office in Northampton and asked about a psychology degree and the lady just went on and on about how much maths there would be and talked me out of it. I couldn't even find out what a degree entailed, how, specifically, do you do the work to get one? This was 1991, and there was no Internet. I did get all the information from UCCAS and remember photographing it, I'm sure it's in the archive somewhere; it was the same time as I started looking into the possibility of going to Asia. I started a second A level but it was too cold, England too harsh, A's place too restrictive.

Then I started to think I could just get some undergraduate study under my belt, and that lady I met in India talked me out of it, saying they wouldn't allow partial degree study (not true).

Then I went away again, and had to return for my year in England. I went to the career office in Hammersmith. I asked how I could get a psychology degree, and the lady said there was no funding. No NVQ. Basically, I ended up with an address to see about night courses in counseling

Then I got the inheritance and looked into doing two a levels, to somehow get to university I researched and researched how to do an affordable A level, well, two, and it just didn't seem possible, so I got my own study books, in religious studies and sociology and just went off to Asia, to study and not know how I would do any exams.

I remember being in Vietnam when I started looking into the OU. I realised there was no entrance and the chance of funding. It was about the time I had my 'bad turn'.

I remember being in Laos when A. couldn't send off my application for me, had the stroke and was hospitalised.

I remember filling in my own forms outside the Starbucks by Victoria Coach Station in London before I went to the monastery to take the Buddhist precepts.

I remember the train and bus ride to the University in Milton Keynes, with a virgin passport in a new name, and speaking to a lady who enrolled me. I remember going on to the shopping centre and phoning back and being told it was all sorted out and I was a student.

I remember receiving my first books and being really lost and not knowing what to do.

I remember receiving my OU student ID card.

I remember going to the tutorial at Northampton college and feeling like a stupid outsider when everyone talked about themselves and I said that I don't want to talk.

I remember sitting outside in Pacific coffee company company and making my first concerted effort to get into the material and make a start.

I remember sitting where I am now when the first essay was due, so nervous I felt sick, and then submitting it from Buddies cybercafe.

I remember getting my first mark back and printing out the tutor comments and realising I could do it, my work was in the ballpark.

I remember submitting an essay just before I checked out of the hotel to get a plane out of Vietnam.

I remember hours ago, sending off the last essay and walking back home.

And here I sit, with my feet up as my legs are in agony... and I've made a year of undergraduate study. I've wanted it for so long, and here I am, really doing it. I'm doing it.

I'll have to see how my legs are... but I might go and eat something special, all I eat are noodles now.

Of course, tomorrow is the deadline for the first essay on the computer course... and I haven't done it yet.

But tonight... I feel GOOD, just for a little while.

Well done me!

Date: Thursday 2nd April 2009
Miguel's Restaurant, Chaiyaphym Road, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 9.22pm.

Mixed emotions at having finished DD122. I don't miss the stress of the last week of getting it sorted out, but there's less intensity to what I have to do. Really, I'm finishing up, linking stuff on the web site, I have to kind of finish archiving also.

I went up to Tesco today, thinking I'd get some bits. As usual I got almost nothing, just some potato powder and a new pair of flippies. So, that was that. I could do with clothes and a bag really.

I have plans for a bit piece of magic, I don't know how it will work out, but it's based on ideas I had ages ago.

Oh, there's nothing really. I suppose I have to get into the study now, there's more than enough work to do. God man, get on with it!

Date: Saturday 4th April 2009
Starbucks, Thaepae, Chiang Mai, About half six in the evening.

I forgot to mention a couple of anniversaries went by without me mentioning it. March 20th was three years without a drink, and one year without a smoke. Saint Patrick's day was two years since I saw my sister.

The other thing was about finding Matthews profile, as it went private while I was looking at it, perhaps I was looking at it while he was working on it. But perhaps that's a benefit of just accepting avoidance, I can let all that go (nice to know he's OK though).

Dream (of the 17th March)

Note: I had this dream just after speaking to her during a time when she had got confused.

I was in A's house. She came in and walked past me, not recognising me or knowing who I was. She spoke to a voice in her head, saying 'Just keep walking, I don't know him'.

Interpretation

A warning of what's coming; though I know this deep-down anyway.

Not really news now; I've left my usb stick at home... so a bit of a loose end as there's no wifi here. I guess I can work on Dharma Willing Plan.

I looked at my accounts last night, bank accounts that is, and realised I'm getting 0.01%, though I've opened up a new one that will pay 2%, it'll go live in a few days, which is the end of the tax year. The main things I have to do are now are:

Make a table showing the OU course options and start to think about that.

Check the last of the archiving on my usb is done and delete the files.

Put my lifemagic cd onto the usb

Upload it to the website (I'll do that tomorrow

Make a magic picture

Finish the M150 study

Make a plan concerning Pai.

I don't know what else to do... without my usb I mean. I do like the Chiang Mai routine. But I don't sleep so well. This is a downside of soberiety. Laying there alone and the morning's approaching, so soon that it might just be better to get up and be done with it. All the things that alcohol masked with me are still there, namely avoidance and sleeplessness, and if I always stay sober they always will be. So my memories of people are as good as it gets... and they ain't so good.

But I can live with that, to be honest. I worry more about my finite finance nowadays, to be honest. Still, present moment....

Date: Monday 6th April 2009
Starbucks, Thaepae, Chiang Mai. 7.33pm

I had a very strange day today; I think I rattled my unconscious.

Last night I was surfing generally and looking up old theme tunes. I ended up watching the video for the song 'bright eyes' by art Garfunkel from the film Watership Down. I remember when it was number one in the charts, even though I would have been about six. It played on TV in Churchill Avenue, M's first house when I was born (though she lived in Lorraine Drive before that). I remember it being on Top of the Pops and seeing the cartoon that went with it and telling my sister (who still lived at home them) that I really liked it, and she retorted that I only liked it because it had a cartoon that went with it (never a kind word, even then). I'm not so sure why it affected me now. The lyrics are about dying. Even though I was young, I understood from the film and lyrics that it was about these rabbits that didn't understand what happened when one of them had died.

going out on the tide

or is it a dream?

there's a mist along the horizon

nobody seems to know where you go

I've got those wrong, but I'm not going to listen again, I only just got over the mood. Perhaps it was because it took me back to that time, which wasn't very happy, or perhaps because it's the first time I really thought about death? Perhaps now the J obsession has lessened somewhat, or a little, or just I've opened to the possibility that it could, perhaps what it covered opens a little also. The basic fact, or a basic fact, behind it all is that mother didn't really like any of us, at least then. She wasn't interested. She ignored us, she didn't answer when you spoke to her, or look at us or tell us anything. Harsh, at that time. But deep, deep down, didn't want us. Perhaps A took us away and didn't really want to, which is a way that I hadn't really considered it before.

A couple of other things. One, I was thinking about some unrelated thing recently, actually, I think it was here in this seat. I closed my eyes and there was a mental picture of J just waiting there. I mean, a memory, unrelated, just there waiting.

The other thing is, it takes me a long time to get asleep; it always has, but nowadays, if I'm really really relaxed, and listen very intently, I can hear a voice talking to me. The infuriating thing is that I can't recall what it says, like a dream or obe, it fades from waking consciousness quickly, which would lead me to believe it originated in the same place or something. The only specific I can remember is that the last thing it said way it was going to stop to let me go to sleep.

I got my first computing paper back, I didn't read it yet but it was 80% just over, so good.

I have to phone A soon, to see if my thing, my last soc. sci paper got there or not.

Better stop now.

Date: Monday 13th April 2009
The really nice little bakery by Old Chiang Rai Bakery, Chiang Rai, Thailand. 6.15pm.

Good day today, though I wasn't expecting it.

I phoned A. The essay arrived, and Richard sent it, and got a proof of posting, so that's all done and dusted, finished. Very, very good. Richard is Carly's partner (can you say Carlie's like you can say Charlie's?), and did I say she's pregnant? Strange as I remember my sister telling me that Carly was sterile after an illness and she'd offered to surrogate for her. Last time I spoke to A. we chatted for ages, until my card ran out, and it was a nice call.

Anyway, another thing was I checked at the bank, and my savings were earning 0.01... or was it 0.1 percent, I don't recall. But I switched almost all of it to an account where I'm allowed four withdrawals in a year, and it gets two percent. I must remember to forward a tax form for them, for this account I mean. I did that the night before I left.

I had bought my ticket up to Chiang Rai about a week before I left; of course I had to walk there and back, so it actually took me all day, but that's fine. But then I realised it would be Songkran, Thai new year, and so immigration might be closed. I kept trying to find out, but just couldn't get the information. My extension was OK until about 19, but my second entry on the visa from Vientiane had to be used before 16. Now, in Laos, visas are free until the sixth of next month... and it would cost two grand to get one more month on the two I just got. Ugh, that all conspired against me.

The day before I left, the 11th I sat in Starbucks, and it was anarchy, people throwing water everywhere. The Thais are OK about it but foreigners go too far. I was quite worried walking up to the station but it was OK. I booked the room at Sripoom for tonight and said I'd phone to confirm tomorrow morning that I'd be there, Anyway, I had to walk the long way to the station because I had to avoid all the water, and made it to the non-vip bus, which turned out to be fine. But we were dropped at a new station outside of Chiang Rai, so had to take a minibus in, and this was open, and someone threw a full bucket of water in, so I was soaked. We arrived and the little bakery was closed. I got to the usual place and checked in, dinner and slept.

Today, I went out and got the bus to Mae sai, with my rain poncho over me. It took ages to get there. Then ate and went over the border. The Burmese immigration thought it was really funny that I was wearing a poncho because it was sunny. I went to the usual place for a coffee, strolled back, back on the minibus covered in my rain poncho. Oh, the only bit of wet I got was from immigration officers coming back into Thailand, or they were customs or something. I didn't mind. I mean, the difference is mammoth, between say the aggressive, authoritarian and incompetent attitude of English customs, and Thailand where they squirt you with water-pistols. I'd been quite grumpy but cheered up and got into it a bit. It turned out I was on a roll, as at the bus station I got straight onto a bus back where I was charged the right price and the conductor used the window and foresight to protect me from soakings.

I got back and this place was open, and so this was a much better day than I was expecting.

Yearned for J, all day I notice... but I think only a bit more than usual, and I kind of.... I don't know.

Date: Friday ?17th April 2009
Sripoom House, Ratchapakini Road, North Gate, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 11.50pm.

Dream retrospective

Dream: of 12-4-09

Someone was holding a reflective piece of metal before my eyes. I wouldn't look into it because I'm phobic of reflections. She sounded surprised and asked me, 'Why? Your eyes are bigger than mine'. I looked in and saw my eyes has an area of sky blue in one of them that didn't look so good.

Interpretation

Sky blue is the name of the Japan Tobacco that I chew. For me, the eyes are an indication of health, in my belief I mean, so I take this as a warning, that I'm otherwise healthy (having big eyes) but the chew will affect me over time.

Of course, nrt gum costs so much more because of the rip-off drug industry, so I'll have to think what to do.

Thursday 23rd April 2009
Starbucks, Kad Suan Kaew, Huay Kuay Road, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 3.05pm

Dream

I was writing my diary in pen on a road, I mean, I was actually writing in directly onto the road. My brother saw and was really angry and started shouting. I scribbled some of it out into the shape of a crescent moon.

Interpretation

The moon, meaning the unconscious/hidden, and writing my dairy on the journey of my life, my life being something my 'brother' never really got nor appreciated. I don't care how he feels about anything, so I'm not certain why I dream of him at all.

Well, have I really been back over a week? Ugh. The main thing to report here has been the heat, which is absolutely awful. The room is like an absolute oven. I've made a system of freezing small water bottles which I sleep with in my groin... as there are major arteries near the surface of the skin there... really. There and under the arms are where they put ice when they're treating heat exhaustion, to lower body temperature.

They've stopped serving 'my' water at Starbucks, Thaepae. I mean, the fifteen baht Nestle water, now only sixty baht. They've done that at about half the Starbucks now, though if you ask they can often go and get one from the back. It's funny, funny peculiar, I mean. In most countries, when things take a downturn, they discount and offer promos that benefit the customer to encourage people in, only Starbucks Thailand removes or hides the cheapest things from the menu.

It's a shame, as it's easily the best place to work in Chiang Mai, there's a/c, a toilet, comfy chairs, non-obtrusive background music. Though the manager who runs it has always been quite... anal I suppose. They lock the toilet now on a periodic basis to stop non-customers using it. It's fair enough I suppose, but there's a bad feeling there now. I recall last visit that place inspired the same feelings. The last ice coffee I drank there was from her hand, so weak it was brown water and I never had one again.

But for God's sake, it's just one place you know. Things shouldn't have got to the point that it's important about this one place. I can be flexible and go to other places. I was reading in a book shop about mental causes for skeletal diseases; it was a new age book obviously. It said that the condition occours in inflexible people that give up on things very easily, and that kind of describes me.

I lost my phone. It was over Songkran. I wanted to stay in and didn't know how bad it would be but I didn't have any shopping. So I put on my rain poncho, which is almost completely in pieces now. I walked along and a foreigner said, 'What kind of fun is that'?. I also had a go at someone who soaked me. I couldn't get into the spirit of things. After the holiday was over I thought about it. It's basically a holiday which encroaches on the person; everyone gets water thrown over them and is forced to take part, whether they want to or not. That sounds bad, but when I considered it, I realised that it's better than Western holidays. Google Christmas and Loneliness for example; in the west holidays are geared towards groups and are isolating for people who are alone. I still don't dig Songkran, but what really bothered me were the 'Western Happy Police', i.e. foreigners who are criticizing people who don't get into it, because the thing to recall is that the ones that get into it are the ones who drink. Much of the effects are those of alcohol. I think that's true of many gatherings... in the west. when people are criticized for not taking part it's actually criticism for not drinking.

But, if by any chance, I'm alive and in Thailand for the next one, I will make some effort to at least get into it, at least a little bit.

Anyway, the phone. I'm pretty sure I left it in the toilet at Kad Suan Kaew. I went to dtac to ask them to phone it for me. The woman didn't understand though. Then I went up to report it missing at the information desk. Then I went to Mikes for some chips. As I was waiting for it two Thai kids came up and asked if they can use my phone. Now... what are the chances of that. Never before has a Thai person... or anyone, ever asked if they can use my phone. As I sat there eating, I realised that perhaps they had been asking if I'd lost it, so I went back to information but nothing had been handed in. I skyped it over the next couple of days, but it's gone. I bought that the day I was searched by the police in London, which was a few years ago, and it was replacing a phone taken in a mugging. Maybe I'm not lucky... then again, I did have it for a long time.

Of course, my birthday's coming up. I've has both a birthday and a new year in

Chiang Mai, so I'm not allowed to be here. I was planning to go up to Pai, but the bus trip doesn't sound very nice. I thought about moving to a month deal room with air-con, and then I could have three nights out of Chiang Mai and it wouldn't cost much more. It's quite awkward, there are free Thai visas is Laos until the sixth of June, but my visa is OK until July. But if I wait until then I will have to pay.

I walked up to Ninamemin Road, or whatever it's called, yesterday, because I'm looking for a better place to hang out in the day now. I need a/c, unlocked toilet, air con, non-obtrusive background music. It's a bit of a way to walk though.

I got an email from Martin, of the OU about my course, reminding me where I'm supposed to be with it. I'm past there, though I'm supposed to be answering the questions as I go, and I just don't work like that. But I was also supposed to be doing online tests which I haven't done.

The most important thing is to move, I think, because basically my nights are too uncomfortable to do anything other than just with there with water-spray, ice bottles, wet teeshirts and a small squeaky fan and I just can't deal with it or get anything done. I have a headache for the first three hours on waking. I think, my options are,

Go straight to Pai with all my bags

Pay for a monthly deal in Chiang Mai, with air-con, and day trip out on my birthday.

Pay for a week with a/c here, and make a decision about going somewhere later.

I wonder where the nearest destination south on the rail head is? I think, what I should do today is, go and eat something, then go to Buddies and do the I-ching to see if I should stay or go or whatever, then make an accommodation list of various places. Then I have a hard night tonight washing my stuff up... but that's how it goes; I've paid, I think for another two nights.

I'll feel better when I've done that, plus I'll phone back from Buddies, because it might be that post is on the way for me, and that will change things also. Yes, this is best for me. I've got a bit stuck here, and I'll focus on getting unstuck today.

My power cord for the asus started fraying; my fault because I yanked it out the wall on passing a few times. The copper started showing and I felt sick because if it breaks, the computer is useless. I tried super glue and made it worse. Come to think of it, any time I've ever used super glue for anything I've made things worse, but I anchored the lead to the body with duct tape so stop it pulling, and it's OK for now. I think perhaps if I'm careful.

Anyway, good to get everything off my chest. I'll sit here under the icy air con for a while, take a headache pill, and kfc chippychops.

I should think about doing different things, going to different places, maybe leaving Thailand for a bit. It feels like it would have been better right now if my Vietnamese extension had been OK and I'd got to China... but who knows; perhaps that was unlucky. I'll just focus on the present.

Bye for now.

Date: Wednesday 6th May 2009 (*** my birthday! (38))
Riverside Restaurant, Lampang, Thailand. 8.30ish pm.

I made it away for my birthday. So I can still say that, for every year since I was twenty one years of age, I've never spent a new year and birthday in the same place.

Quite a bit happened. I felt obliged to come away, and it was a pain having to research all the possible places. The bed was so hard that my arm started hurting. I didn't know if I'd be able to leave my bag anywhere. I phoned A, twice from Buddies. The second time I was putting the phone down and she remembered my birthday, and I felt this kind of explosion of energy in my chest, as I was thinking that this would be the first year that no one on planet earth remembered. Last year I got an email on the day itself from Mian, though this year she didn't reply after new year. Don't know how she is.

There are other bits too. I gave up on Starbucks, too much trouble. I've been trying out new places. I never did arrange a monthly rent or apartment. Perhaps it's my fate and I never will? I mean in my whole life I never will?

Getting up here wasn't so bad. I managed to get a soung thaw at Chuang Puak bus station. Then pretty much straight on a bus; I came yesterday. I planned to stay in Asia Lampang, but it was over-priced and had a blaring TV. Then I went to Kim Hotel and stayed there. I listened to Gill today, of course, I listened to 'Upside Down Thinking', and shall likely listen to another one, I would type more, but it's so hot here, and I have AC at home. So, I'm still going, and that's a good wrap-up...or as good as it gets today.

Dharma Willing Journey

Overwhellmed in Thailand 2009

Dream - ?27th August 2009

Interpretation

Dream 13 September 2009

Interpretation

Dream fragment: 15-09-09

Dream fragment: 16-09-09

My gums were bleedingDream, ?19th September 2009 - Chiang Mai Thailand

Dream, ?19th September 2009 - Chiang Mai Thailand

Dream 21 September 2009

Interpretation

Dream fragment: ?26 September 2009

Dream: 7th October 2009. Thailand.

Interpretation

8th October 2009 Dream

Interpretation

'Trapped' in Thailand 2009

Starting Chinese Year of the Ox (09)

My gums were bleeding

Dream, ?19th September 2009 - Chiang Mai Thailand