Dream - ?27th August 2009
I looked at my hand and there were chili seeds under the skin. I felt I should cut it out
later
I was living on a hill and M. came to visit. I had to dry all these bar towels and washing. I saw a gold sovereign ring that Brian had given me and asked M. to keep it safe for me.
I went to the hotel and [can't read the rest]
Interpretation
First part is dietry advice, as I eat an almost impossible amount ofchilli, the rest is a fragment.
Dream 13 September 2009
I phoned J and had also phoned her a long time ago previously - but had trouble remembering if I actually had - a thought which would continue beyond my waking
Interpretation
Thought it was a fragment, but had a similar thing later in the week, same thread, read on.
Dream fragment: 15-09-09
I went to a shop called 'photohut' but did NOT buy a camera.
Dream fragment: 16-09-09
My gums were bleeding
Dream, ?19th September 2009 - Chiang Mai Thailand
I was in a restaurant in Istanbul, which was the last place that I had tried to phone J. [I remembered this part last, and initially recalled the restaurant without being able to recall where it was or its significance].
I was speaking to A and she was trying to open me up about my life. I started crying and admitted that all I ever really thought about and cared about was her and everything that I ever did was on the basis that I may be with her one day.
Before this point I think I had phoned her. It links to the dream earlier in the week, recalling an (untrue) memory that I had phoned her and spoken previously.
I kept thinking about Portugal as I write this, I mean, where I went when mother died.
I think perhaps... H had a death in the family?
Dream 21 September 2009
I was in a shop and found Thai bottles of St. John's Wort - but noticed that it was in a bottle with things like, pieces of metal and powder in compartments with other things I didn't want.
Interpretation
???
Dream fragment: ?26 September 2009
A. told me my mouth was turning yellow.
Dream: 7th October 2009. Thailand.
I was in an old people's home. I knocked on someone's door and asked if I could stay. They said yes. Inside was actually a multi-generational faamily. I made a mess using the bathroom after I'd slept there. The daughter started to get suspicious of me. I stayed there for a few days I think but felt unwelcome in that room and kind of hung sround the complex generally and tried to blend in.
All of a sudden the Chinese police turned up and started running about, trying to clear people away, obviously expecting something to happen. Then a guge meteor hit, as big as a person, right by me. I touched it before they got to it and I had the intuition that it was to do with football somehow. The police got to it but lost interest soon because it wasn't what they were looking for for some reason.
Interpretation
I think this dream says I'm too happy growing old too soon. When I look into my mind and think of my future, if, dharmawilling, it's simple, owning not much, perhaps a job in academia somehow, then I've kind of accepted it. But obviously my mind thinks there could still be a surprise before I get my pipe and slippers.
8th October 2009 Dream
I was out at a kind of 'busy public place', and bought an Olympus camera on impulse. I walked along with it and used it to try and capture a really beautiful Oriental scene, but couldn't get it to do so. Also, all of the display information, like aperture and frame number etc. kept disappearing.
I kept walking and went past this kind of exhibition which was about space and there was a kind of exhibit called 'What's going on on Mars right now', which had a live webcam to the red planet somehow.
I went past this into a waiting room of an airport, to get onto a plane. It was about half full. The pilot started talking over the loudspeakers about how he was a really good pilot and he would get us there safely, and I felt a little scared but kept repeating the word 'trust' to help me let go. Before me, two groups of unrelated women started doing an exercise or something like a series of prearranged movements. One group of them was on the right and one group were on the left. When they saw what the other group were doing they all realised that they had something in common and went over and hugged each other.
I got on the plane and I'd been assigned on a seat right at the back between two people and it was so tiny that I couldn't get in there, no way, as so I said so. The lady in the aisle seat offered to move seats but I said it's fine, I would just either lie down, as it was in the cargo part of the plane and they were transporting mattresses, or I'd just walk about, though I did feel a little deflated when the pilot announced it was a fifteen hour flight.
Then I was at A's old house in England. G. came past and went up to his old room and I just ignored him.
On TV there was something about terrorists and one of them being interviewed. Then it cut to this really liberal family in England who just let their children do what they wanted to do, and the kids were out playing under bridge happily, in a stream. It looked bad at first, but when the camera got closer I realised that it was nice, the water was really clean and the children looked really happy.
Then the camera cut to the parents of the children, walking down the street. the narrator said he was ex-army but the camera panned and I saw by the advertising logo on the side of his van that he had started a new age holistic business and had transformed his life into what he wanted it to be. I suddenly felt very good when I realised that I can do anything that I like as my mind can create any situation and I just know that my mind can create it. I felt grateful and privileged and prayed that wherever I go, in this life and the next, that I would always know thisprivileged information.
Interpretation
The camera could be a literal thing as I'm torn on whether to buy an Olympus right now or not. I've just remembered that when I realised that it doesn't work so well (in the dream) that I just found the international warranty taped by the lens and thought that it would do for now.
Not being able to take the picture of the Asian scene could bean extension of this -- or it could be a realisation that I have tried to create some sustainable life in Asia where I live here and have no contact with the West, for fifteen years now, and I just can't do that. It would seem that, for now at least, there has to be some link to the West.
I think the webcam on Mars symbolised far off dreams and goals.
Going to the waiting room there's sudden trust in me and two groups on opposite sides of the room As I write this, [from my notes taken just after waking] I recall that on the left side they were Western,on the right they were Arabs, and they suddenlycome together. I think it shows inner trust in the creating power of my mind that the spiritual exercises -- to face the life challenges symbolised by being on the plane and fought it a littlebut being able to adapt and take it in my stride. [So the two groups of women, left and right, Arab and western are symbolising brain lateralisation is what I'm saying].
Then in England I think my magical lifecourse is compared to the static sensibility of my ex-brother, whom was once an authority figure. Now I have the self-creativity lifestyle. It looks bad at first, but then I realised it's actually good and feel veryconfident because although my ultimate plan is vague == I am feeling confident and enjoying the creation.
Date: Sunday 18th October 2009
Miguel's Restaurant, Chiyapoom Road, Chiang Mai. 8.51pm.
There's a lot that happened, but I feel a lot less overwhelmed than when I started.
I'm typing in the cloud and I don't recall if I've covered any of this.
The overwhelmed part was quite a while ago. I knew I wanted to start both courses and so went online to try and get the coursebooks for my next psychology course. An absolute angel contacted me and got a copy of the four main ones off her friend, and so I make a start. Because I was worried about how much work would be involved I just studied like mad basically, which is why there was the overwhelmed feeling. I mean, I had over 1000 pages just with the advance books I got and I didn't know how many more there would be, so I was working like mad and worrying.
Of course I didn't know if I'd get on because the funding I was going for was well over a thousand pounds. I had to give quite complicated instructions to Carly concerning the application.
Then she emailed me that something had come from the OU and shall she open it. I said yes and it was the registration forms which had to be signed and returned, or, the letter said, it can be done online. I tried online and couldn't find any idea of how; it wasn't like the last time.
At this point I basically though it had fell down and was all over; I mean I wasn't on, because, now I recall it was the day before the courses started, both of them on the same day. I remember the day now, 2nd October, Ghandi's birthday actually. I sat there inDarats in the afternoon and felt bad, but also felt relieved as it was starting to feel like so much work and a weight was being lifted off my shoulders. I thought it out in my mind, a year off from all these deadlines.
But sitting there I realised that it was just not good enough as I hadn't tried, I mean, I hadn't done everything I could. So I went to the phone at the place that used to be the French restaurant. I phoned. The funding wasn't quite enough but I had to pay another fifty, and I completed the registration for both courses online, and it was all done and dusted. I was on.
It took a few days for the books to be available, but I've had a look through, and actually, it all seems more than doable. It's hard and complicated, but I'm ahead at the minute and starting to answer the tma's already.
It got a bit harder where I live. There was some building work going on and they moved the builders next to me. There was shouting and laughing until about four in the morning. I actually complained and they were moved. Just as they went these loud Thai people came, and when they went this French guy, who plays TV so loud he must be deaf, moved right next door. He's still there, though last night he was relatively quiet; I think perhaps he never realised that there was someone living there.
I still don't have any camera. I've come so close though. I've been up to airport plaza now that if the guy sees me, I mean the guy who drives the shuttlevan, he beeps. I almost bought a Samsungbut when I looked there isn't any settings memory. They guy at IT city tried to push an Olympus on me. It looked OK but in the shop I couldn't get it to take a sharp picture. I looked into it and most of the reviews say that the pictures aren't sharp. It's a shame as there was actually a worldwide guarantee with it.
I was looking at Pantip, and met this Australian who just broke hisLumix. He said the guarantee's aren't worth anything. So at some point you just put your money down and hope for the best. We only spoke for a couple of minutes, but I think it's the first conversation I've had for a good few months.
I went up to immigration and got another month. I thought I lost my credit card that day and rushed home, but it was OK in the end, it was with my computer.
I speak with A through/via skype now; it works out much better, and cheaper also. I asked her about the envelope I sent back, with my documents in and she is insistent to keep it and I get very nervous because there's nothing she has ever looked after really. The receipts I have here for the hostel, are home printed. I didn't realise, but of course I put them in my folder and the ink came off and left terrible stain on my 20 year old first name change certificate and the only bit of paperwork I have to send my last exam in i.e. the tma form.
Anyway, that's done and can't be changed. I'm working on getting the documents to Carly's. This isn't the real news. The real news is that the baby came, Carly's I mean. A doesn't know when. It started out a home birth but she had to go to the hospital but they got it out. It's a boy and they called it Joseph, pretty certain that's after my mother.
I installed ubunto onto a usb.
Whoah, what a transition eh?
But I did. I'm quite proud of myself. I'm still getting it to work and looking into it, but I'm very happy overall.
There are lots of other things that have happened, the details, but really I don't recall. The main stuff is here.
I'm going home. Thanks for listening, dd.
20th October 2009
Dream
I was at the Grovsner Centre shopping in Northampton. There had been some kind of riot and the windows of a children's shop had been smashed. I met my sister outside but she couldn't tell me what had gone on.
I walked on alone and went in an Arab shop. I saw some cheap bits and bobs but nothing great for sale and so didn't buy anything.
I went on to the doctors. She was English and knew I was there for a valium prescription. We chatted a bit; I really liked her and almost told her about my other issues, but in the end decided against it, though it was good to know she was there should I ever change my mind or need her.
Interpretation
The damaged centre is my damaged childhood in the UK, and my siblings being of no help. The Arab shop are my attempts to take on an Asian identity.
Not sure about the doctor part. It could mean how I have tried to heal more of the absolute essence of the issue, or it could be more literal and mean I should concentrate more on a mundane support network.
Date: Sunday 25th October 2009
Miguel's Cafe, Chaiyapoom Road, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 7.02pm.
Yes, seven days later, same time same place, I'm in a routine. It is, work, work, work and have the weekend off, well, not off but I treat myself. On Saturday, I go to Girasole for a pizza. Sunday I come here. So, it's kind of a routine, even though I've only done it two weeks now.
It would be nice to do this though regularly, wouldn't it? I mean, speak to dd? I'd like that as then I'm not doing these huge retrospective updates.
So, what have I done? I started putting some of the photos ofJunko in Perth at Lulu for storage. It's funny isn't it, but even now after everything, I feel down when I look at them. But I'm always trying to protect these things, that's what growing up in A's house did for me.
I installed eeebuntu operating system, not permanently, but off a usb. It took so many attempts, then I had the wrong distro. I've finally got the one I want, but it's finicky and I'm still learning it. Oh, it took so long to download all my software yesterday, really, a silly amount of time. So, the jury's out on this one.
I've drafted both of the first tmas for the university. It is very hard in a way as we were then told to do this English writing at the last minute and I'm still doing it now.
Mian wrote, twice. Once to say help. once to say she wanted me to write. She uses facebook now and her married name, which is great.
There's more, but it's hot here. It's funny how I never feel like working in this place.
Oh, I walked up to arcade for a bus ticket and leave for Mai Sai on Friday, so I'll only get two weeks from then, but suppose I could stay about a week when I get back and then make it over to Vientiane. The options are to come back straight away, which the oracle doesn't like, or carry onto china. Come back but go to
Date: 31st October 2009
Dream
I was a commander of a submarine, sinking English ships
Interpretation
Concerning the bitterness I have about my past, oft picked up by my mindfulness practice.
Date: Sunday 1st November 2009
Miguel's Restaurant, Chaiyapoom Road, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 7.22pm.
Yes, it's the Sunday diary time again; I do indeed have a schedule. So, in the last seven days, what have I done?
Mian wrote a couple of times. I don't know if she's got past the usual, I didn't check the last message, but it's there on facebookwaiting for me.
Didn't speak to A. I don't want to have to discuss this damned envelope.
Yes, I made it up to Mae Sai. The night before I got up really early so I would be tired. Of course, it didn't work. I had about two hours sleep. But as usual when there's a deadline, I did manage to get up. I took the absolute minimal stuff and walked up to 24 hour Burger king, but it was closed. I walked to Micky Dee's, but it was far too warm, so I walked right up to San Francisco, which is a kilometer and a half, but that was closed, and I finally got a sit down in a bus shelter. Then I walked the rest of the way and got on the bus.
It was two classes on one bus. Of course, I was in cheaper class in the back. It was noisy, but better than usual. I started reading Phantoms, by dean kroontz or something. Fun book. I forgot how much I live recreational reading. I was able to go toilet inChiang Rai and then we were there.
Of course, there was a Friday late bus back, but it was sold out, so I got a ride into town and ate at North or whatever it's called. I'd pretty much decided to go back to Chiang Rai but checked what the oracle had said and it was adamant that I stay in MaeSai, so I went onto look and walked up this side street and ended up checking in at Blue Sky Apartments. The woman didn't speak English but I got something that seemed reasonable for 200. I went back to immigration to find that it would open at 7am. Then I had to go back to the station to get the ticket for 9.45 the next day. Though I was fine.
Then I came back and passed a coffee place with wifi. They sold coffee and nothing else, and so I had to pay for something I didn't drink, but the wifi was good. Then I walked home.
I had to walk through a market and a farang on a motorbike asked me where I was staying as he'd missed the border, and so I told him and he drove on. I got back and he was there talking Thai with the woman. He gave me a light for the mosquito coil and asked me where he could find some loose women, though I think he was joking.
I went up and the basic room was actually very nice indeed, comfort-wise. Actually, it was the first nights sleep I had in a long time. I mean proper rest. The Chiang Mai place is so noisy, people slamming doors all night. It doesn't stop until around two, and by the time I get to grips with the usual insomnia the sun's coming up. Yes, so in Mae Sai I could get some catch up.
Next day I left about seven and left Thalland. Guitar Cafe, where I sit and have coffee was closed, so I just wandered around and by the time I came back it was still closed. I left Burma after about fifteen minutes. As I walked back to immigration, the guy was just dealing with my passport. I reentered Thailand on a visa waiver and got until the 14th.
I had breakfast at North (or whatever), then came back. Back on the bus I was seated by a young woman who looked at me and kept her mouth and nose covered for the whole journey (not the first time when I've travelled without clothes), and I just read the book.
We got back and I'd decided to buy a camera. I went for asongthaw and the drivers are awful people, but I got in and went to the cybercafe and looked again at the cameras but talked myself out of it.
I got back, expecting to be tired at nine, but with the fireworks and slamming doors then normal insomnia, saw the sun come up. I did manage to get up at nine, but the festival they are celebrating, isn't until tomorrow, so it will basically be a few more days until there's a chance of sleep.
But I'm pretty much done with the place. I did what I came to do, i.e. finsih M150 and start the next year's study, and get on top of the work. So, I can leave really. My rent's OK until the fiftth. I'm looking forward to the change, to be frank. Of course, I don't get long, but if I could relax for a few days in Nong Khai it would be lovely.
The main thing is to make use of the wifi in the room. If I can get the J pics on line and start some major archiving, continuing what I brought with me from UK I can really make a dent into my life plan.
Actually, the main thing might be getting a camera sorted out. I went and looked today and there were a South Afrikan couple buying one and he told me to go for it. I was surprised to learn that Samsung give an international warranty, contrary to what they told me at IT City in airport plaza. I have a suspicious they guy there doesn't like the job and delibrately stops people buying stuff. Probably paranoia.
The last two cameras I bought... actually, the last three (I never used to have to buy cameras like that) were around the seventy pound mark. I wanted the same now, which is about four thousand baht. I really looked into it and decided on the samsunges10 for 3000, but it doesn't have a settings memory, so I left it. Then I looked at olympus but there were too many complaints that it wasn't sharp. So I left it, thinking and thinking, and decided on Canon, but they were sold out. Then I noticed the ES17 is 12mp. So the I was conflicted. I keep reading reviews, and sometimes they're contradictory. They say the Canon loses sharpness away from centre, isn't good at night, isn't wide and has very bad aberration. The plus points are, centre sharpness and numerous Thai service centres.
The samsung has another two MP. DIS, generally better reviews online and an international warranty. So, that seems good no? Yes, but there's not a service centre in Vientiane, in UK it's in Edinburgh, and in the shop, I took pictures, without flash admittedly, that seemed very noisy, though I guess the canon would be the same. The reviewers say it's an outdoors camera, but not for landscapes. That it overexposes highlights but it doesn't. I mean, eventually, it's like the Australian guy said to me, you just put your money down and take your chances.
Of course, I could pay more, but then there are still bad reviews, for any camera. I'm just too cautious sometimes. I hate myself after making mistakes, perhaps that's in, a bit like the way I never like anyone because I don't like losing people forever.
Oh, before I go, I put my first English essay in. I wanted it to be the start to Strawberries, but couldn't really tie it in to the writing prompt we were given. But I did write a biography piece, about my first visit to the occult shop, can you believe that, though only when writing did I realise what a significant event that actually turned out to be in my life.
Oh, so I must go.
That canon. I just read the manual. You can manually set it up to like, sixteen seconds or something, so it can definitely do night shots. The last camera was like, four mp or something? I'll definitely be better off, and I'll just look after the screen this time.
So, my battery is gone. Hopefully, by next week I'll be here, with a camera, plans to leave, and a nearly finished psychology essay.
BaByeeeeee deedaweeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4th November 2009
Dream
I was speaking to A on the phone and suddenly, out the blue, she said that she would pay for me to have a ticket to Australia, so I said yes just because it would be something new to do.
Then I was on the plane coming over. We got to the airport. There was a kind of waiting area before you went through immigration or customs so I sat there. I knew it would be expensive, and I didn't have anywhere to go. I found a guidebook and worked out some places. This guy who had left earlier returned and said that he had found a place that was OK. I wandered outside and realised that there was flooding, which meant that it would be difficult to get into town. I slipped into the water and had a rescue helicopter come. The guy came down and secured a rope around me, but then a huge canvas thing, like a parachute, came down and fell on me. It was heavy and it pushed the rescuer and I under. I couldn't breath, but there was no pain and so I wasn't overly fearful. I lost consciousness and realised that I was dying. I started to hear and see the afterlife and started praying in preparation - feeling no particular preference between living and dying.
Interpretation
A will pay for the ticket, meaning I've always been given this space in life to work out my numerous issues. The waiting area means how I was once waiting for my life to start, but then it's all flooded with emotion. I get swept up by the emotion and withdraw (going under the parachute) from life and end up totally isolated. In the end, in this dream at least, I don't get rescued, which is either negative, or it could symbolise the spiritual submission that has been my answer to it all.
Date: Sunday 8th November 2009
Chaipat Hotel, Khon Kaen, Thailand. 9.27pm.
Yeah, not Miguel's this time. Ah, my first little routine, but then routines... who needs them?
It was quite awkward leaving actually. I mean, My visa's out on the 14th, and the exam due on the 11th and I needed to be near reliable wifi or connection when it's sent. So I could have just stayed there, but I was finding it really difficult to get into the work and I realised that it was because I knew I had to leave soon and so my mind had already gone, and it would be easier to work on the road.
It was kind of a sudden decision in a way. I'd been in Chiang Mai for about four and a half months. This is going on the longest I've ever been in one place; it's definitely the longest I've ever been in one hotel. Any wouldn't you know it, it's a youth hostel run by the Japanese.
Of course, it would be very hard to get a camera somewhere along the way. I was still torn between Samsung and Cannon. I almost had the Samsung, but one day just sat in Darat and flipped a coin because any kind of movement meant I could carry on. So I went to Photobug and got it. The staff were really rude and preoccupied. They obviously didn't know anything about the camera. There was only a white, ex-display one, but in the end I handed over the money and walked out with it.
It was a strange ending to all the time I had spent there. The first time I went to Chiang Mai was 1994 just after leaving J in Perth, and I stayed about a month, then I stayed away twelve years and went just after mother died. When I returned that time, it was the lantern festival with everyone letting lantern balloons into the air, fireworks and a surreal atmosphere. This time I was leaving, and it was the same festival, so it was kind of full circle.
I sat in darat with the camera. I obsessed as I'd read so many reviews I knew it's every fault, and it certainly has a few faults, but it's OK.
On the penultimate day, I wasn't sure if I would go or not. I went downstairs and asked the Japanese woman if I could pay just one day, and that was OK. She asked me if I was going home, but I said Laos and might be back yet and we both laughed.
That last day, I needed to get prints and phone A, and I managed both. I wanted to go to Miguel's, but there was no bread, and so I ended up in Art Cafe, which was just as bad as I remember and helped me recall why I stopped going there.
I couldn't sleep, of course. I mean, I can never sleep, but the night before I'd only had a few hours, like two, so I expected, but no, it was just two hours yet again. I woke and was almost packed. So just time for a drink and off I went. The Japanese one was the only one there.
I was prepared, and expecting, to walk all the way up. I'd gone for about five minutes up Loi Kroh when a tuk tuk stopped. It was asking 80, offered 40, 60 come back and took 55. There he didn't have change and was to accept 50 but I felt bad and dug up a five baht coin.
So it was a good start, I've never had a lift there before. There, the ticket was 440, which works out at less than a pound sterling an hour, but it's not really so cheap.
We set off and I skimmed a psychology book I'd got back in Chiang Rai, but it was heavy. I got off for the toilet in Lampang but forgot my bag so ran back, then it was too late, and so I was bursting at the next place, but then it was OK and I settled into my book. There was no proper stop at Phitsanulok, so lucky I had gone before, but we stopped again at a petrol station. There was some ordained monks on board, and I noticed they both chain-smoked at the stops, despite the fact that one of them was under age. I've seen monks smoking before, that's something you would never have seen in Thailand in the past.
I sat alone the whole time except twice. Once a woman to my left, then a school girl to my right, but both less than an hour.
I got off a stop too early, but got back on and then we arrived. I sat and rested, then walked right down to a place by the lake, but the fan rooms were full, so I walked back up thinking I might try Roma but ended up back in chaipat. The miserable woman wasn't there, so I got a decent room but I had to fight for it.
Yesterday I worked, and today I worked. My essay is ready for a final print and check. Not sure about it, I'll have to see how strict the tutor is. I checked my mail today and noticed my English essay is back, so that will be interesting.
I'll definitely go tomorrow. I'll arrive the 9th and hopefully can get it printed out, it's all ready as a pdf. Then I'll do a final correct and send it on the 10th. Any problem with connection, I can come back or shoot over to Laos. And that's the plan, short term.
Long...err term, I think, decide the first two nights Vientiane accommodation, look into cheaper long-term places and think about the bus to Luang Prabang, which sounds awful, but I'm running out of places to go.
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