'Trapped' in Thailand 2009

Date: Saturday 6th June 2009

Joma Cafe, near the fountain, Vientiane, Laos. 1.25pm

Going back to Nong Khai in a minute, so I can only make a token start right now.

I'm calling this diary entry 'Trapped in Thailand', as, I suppose that's how I feel a bit. I've kind of got to go back to Chiang Mai to receive post, but I don't want to. I've got to take the local buses back, and I'm a bit jaded of it all. I could have been in the far east by now, but it wasn't to be... maybe I would have felt trapped there. I don't know.

Anyway, just making a token start as I said.

Date: Wednesday 10th June 2009

Mutmee Restaurant, Nong Khai, Issan, NE Thailand. 3.36pm

I'm sitting in the garden working on the third exam for the M150 course. I really settled here and was/am getting a load done. The garden has wifi and electrical sockets and is really relaxed. It was me sitting at a table with three or four other wifi slugs just all working away with the occasional nod to the people around me.

Then the wifi failed and the English owner turned up. At the moment I'm sitting in the middle of a table with him at one and and some guy at the other end and they're talking between them. I'm trying to answer the last question, it's about Javascript and takes so much concentration...so of course, that's that. It turns out I'm doing the diary. It's even with the headphones on, playing a forest flute mp3 full blast. Selfish, loud prick.

Still, not everyone can have avoidance personality disorder like me.

I might as well update the diary. Where was I on my birthday; is that the last place I updated? I was in Lampang, sitting at the riverside... actually, is that, no, that was a different river, the Ping river I think. This is the Mekong.

Oh God, his two children are as loud and as irritating as he is. Please, go and don't come back.

Actually, he's gone. I might go back to the essay then. It's mainly because this woman who's sitting here. I think if she went then he would stop coming.

Gone!

Date: Wednesday 17th June 2009

Khiang Kong Guesthouse, Nong Khai, Issan, Thailand. 11.44pm.

Yes, I'm quite stressed about the essay I'm doing at the moment. It's about Javascript programming, and is easily the hardest thing I've done with the OU at the moment.

Date: Thursday 18th June 2009 -- Nong Khai

Dream

I was trying to get somewhere and realised that my only option was a bus to Northampton where I was born. When I got there I was given a glitterpen (a pen that draws with paperglue mixed with glitter).

Interpretation

To get the degree I want I would have to go back to England on a periodic basis for exams. Not absolutely sure what the glitterpen means, presumably it means better times or a career that I would and could do and want?

Date: Saturday 20th June 2009

Dream

I was walking down the main street in Perth looking into each restaurant because my sister was there somewhere and I wanted to avoid her. Then I walked back the other way because I knew that Junko was there and I wanted to see her; though I ended up seeing neither.

I went to an Indian restaurant where I'd been before but it was now a special occasion and the place had been decorated all nice. I didn't know if the prices would be inflated because of the special occasion, I just wanted it to be as it was on any normal day, so I left and started thinking about places on the other side of the city I could go to.

Interpretation

The first part shows how my traveling lifestyle and 'relationship' with Junko were attempts to get away from the negativity in my 'life' in England. I think the dream says that this didn't work, so now I'm changing tak and doing something new.

Date: ?25th June 2006

Dream

I went to a dentist and was trying not to smile but when he did he said my teeth were yellowed and I decided to get them whitened.

Interpretation

Must get some nicotine gum.

Date: Friday 26th June 2006

On a bus from Phitsanulok to Chiang Mai.

5.56 pm.

I've got about two hours until we arrive. My perfect little eee pc has started to wear; he speechmark key has stopped working. I copy and paste it from elsewhere as I type. Its a bit inconvenient I admit... but then again, reality check: I'm typing up my diary as Im traveling on a second class bus in a developing country.

So, I had my birthday in Lampang, and traveled back to Chiang Mai to Best Western hotel. I stayed there a few days. I went up to the post office to see if my tax letters were there but they weren't; I don't know how to check if something is sent registered. I might be a ble to go tomorrow or on Monday; I only have three days until this incredibly hard tma is due.

I decided to leave Thailand early. Ostensibly because I could time it to get a double-entry visa to return for free, which would save me two thousand baht should I be able to get to an embassy before they start charging again.

I phoned A. to see if the post had been sent, though I didn't expressly ask as I don't want to be a nuisance about it, but now I've realised that I do have to start getting a move on. I told her I would be away for a while. Of course, I never replaced my mobile. Its so hard to buy things in Thailand, though I've tried numerous times. Theres less choice, no guarantees, no English.

[Is it me, or has this bus messily speeded up just as I've startred typing, meaning I'll have to listen to podcasts; a second time I was diverted from my entry; uf it isnt speeding kids it's speeding drivers]

Date: Saturday 27th June 2009

Prego Restaurant, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 8.22pm

OK, there really are no distracions now, other than not having a apostrophe key.

Yes, I had my birthday in Lampang. I didnt really do anything other than listen to Gill, but that was enough.

I went onto get a new visa. I travelled south to Phitsanulok. It's about a two kilometers out to the bus station along the highway to leave. I think that the average Thai has no idea what farangs put up with or the kind of time we have here.

I got a bus across to Khon Kaen and had one night there in Chaipat, which is really over-priced and I absolutely resolved to try somewhere new next time. I took a bus up to Nong Khai and arrived quite latish at night. I had a few places lined up and looked in Mekong Guest House first, but the room was down by the water and very musty. I said I might be back, and walked on to Chiang Kong. This was fifty baht cheaper and much nicer. The guy seemed nice enough. I went shopping and came home and watched TV. It had a South African channel, with films in English but subtitled anyway. I stayed about five days and watched some really good stuff.

I left earlyish one morning and walked to the bus station. I wasn't quite sure how I was going to get there, The plan had been to get the direct service, but I found out via the Internet that you have to have a visa to board that, and I was planning to get mine at the border. So I went to ask anyway, if they would just sell me a ticket as far as the border. But there was no one at the kiosk so I haggled a rickshaw down to the right price (miracle) and he drove me up.

Not having a visa was actually an advantage as the entrance stamp is issued the same time as the visa and I didn't have to queue. But I was halfway over and realised that visa was post dated six months ago. I jogged back and showed it to immigration, and it turns out I was looking at my previous visa and it was all fine!

There was a cramped shuttle bus across the friendship bridge and I was a bit nervous as I accidentally put my computer in the hold, but it turned out OK, despite the fact that there are gaping holes in both bags I own.

I got that the wrong way round, I went through Thai immigration (the lady was surprised I was on foot), then took the bus, then got my Loation visa (obviously).

Over into Laos, there's a board showing you the prices for various forms of transport but I was hesitant and a driver quoted lower than the posted price, so I went with him and realised he expected me to share, which would actually make it expensive. I walked off not really sure what I would end up doing but a guy called me over and was fixing the engine on a bus, which he said would take me to Vientiane for twenty baht, so I got on. It was very basic, but, so it was OK.

I got off and wasn't really sure what I would do. I went to Duang Duang or whatever it's called, and they did actually have a single, though it was expensive compared to anything in Thailand, though I do really love that pllace though.

I went back to the wifi cafe called Vista and the guy remembered me and said it was nice to see me again, which is the first interpersonal contact I've had in months... or is it more than a year.

Next day I walked up the the embassy, I think three kilometers, and very, very hot. I applied, no problem, but wasn't sure if I could get two entries though. I asked, but they didn't say. I noticed that I was indeed there on the last day they were giving them out free though.

They have a very efficient ticketing system, so I waited about forty minutes until it was my turn to go in. I was embarrassed by the calibre of farang there, to be frank. Old guys with Thai teenagers as lovers, but people walking round with there shirt off. One guy turned up so drunk he was shouting and couldn't focus his eyes properly, but they put him through the system anyway.

Next day I went back; this is quite a routing and I was enjoying it. I got talking to this American, and he told me about cheap flights. I recall that he barely looked at me for the whole twenty minutes that we chatted.

I did get double entries, so I've saved 2000 baht, which was the point of the exercise. That's only forty pounds... but forty pounds is forty pounds.

I came out and went to the little minimart where the routine is I have a soda when I get out. Also now, they have a home-made sweet potato chip, so I have that, absolute heaven.

Again, in accordance with the routine, I went to Joma with my packed bags and ate and drank the same thing. It's nice I suppose as I almost never eat out now. Maybe once a fortnight, and I never go to the cinema. I just study, type and work.

So, I tried to phone Chiang Kong to reserve a room. The guy could hardly hear me. I remember the old days when phone calls were clear and horrendously expensive and there was nothing you could do about it. Nowadays you can't make a landline call, even calling from a phone connected to the wall is Internet routed, and generally unintelligible. Well anyway, I told him I was going.

As I was walking to the bus, I realised I didn't want to go. I was happy there, it was quiet and different and I've been in Thailand too long. As I walked, I made up a little poem:

I dreamed Oriental dreams,

For permanence to find,

But I'm older now,

And wiser now,

And wish to free my mind.

It just came to me from nowhere and I sang it over and over again in my mind like a mantra.

Getting back was fine. When I got home both the owners were outside. They're decent people I think, but the wife has a terrible habit of standing behind her husband and whispering all the time. I don't know how he puts up with that, but there you go. I asked him what type of room it was and he told me it was full. I said that I'd phoned and he realised who I was I think. Anyway, I got the same room but couldn't shake off the paranoia that he hadn't wanted me there, though this is probably a self-esteem issue.

I went to Mutmee and the owner of Pirate's Cove in Chiang Mai was there. He came and said hello and I was shocked, though he seemed upset that I accidentally called him Robert... when his name's actually Mark. Of course, Robert is the transsexual I know from the Buddhist Abbey in England. We only said a couple of sentences, he told me that his girlfriend was from Issan. I'm such a social moron that it should be illegal for people like me to actually speak to other people.

Mutmee was magical for a time. There are bamboo huts overlooking the Mekong. Each one has electrical outlets and there's wifi throughout. I used to go to the last hut on the end and it was me, this German guy and his girlfriend; they were there mostly for the free Yoga. This American teacher came. He talked a lot to Julian the owner because he was trying to fix the wifi, which went down and never quite came back online. Anyway, this teacher was another older guy who'd met a teenager online and was there to arrange marriage.

An American couple turned up. They were restaurant owners and the guy was really into music, and funnily enough looked like one of the blues brothers. He was travelling with a guitar and could really play it, and mostly he talked about Jazz. He had a loud and ready laugh that really travelled. Sometimes he went right down by the water to parties held on a boat and I could still hear him. He used to keep trying to catch my eye and say hello, but of course I always looked down and never said a word to anyone. I know all this about everyone, but the only time I ever spoke there was when I spoke at reception to change dollars for my Lao visa.

I did quite a bit of work there, did a lot of my next essay, I did quite a piece of preparation for a piece of magic I'm doing at the minute.

I was really happy, but three things got me down. One, the whispering wife, two the patchy Internet and three, there was no table in the room, it was just, lie and watch TV, though funnily enough it was equipped with wifi.

I walked over for the bus, it was a Sunday, and the 407 company directed me to another bus and I went down to Khon Kaen, I did indeed stay somewhere else, Pullman Hotel. Fantastic wifi, but Oh God, the whole place was a cockroach trap; I was fighting them off.

Plus there's not really anywhere to go. Well, it's kfc every day, same as Chiang Mai, but at least here, I can get the next courses sorted easier.

I took the bus to Phitsanulok and stayed at LiThai. I found out they have a dual pricing system, and came up to Chiang Mai. I checked in New Asia hotel, non-descript, and I'll look for something else tomorrow.

That's about it for now, there are perhaps some details and/or chitchat, but I'd better get on.

Date: Tuesday 30th June 2009

Miguel's cafe, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 8.32pm

I got the result of my first course, i.e. the two conjoined Introduction to Social Science.

76% - Grade B -- Good Pass

I came here, to the finest restaurant, foodwise, in the world. Of course, there's an American group here and a baby threw food over me. But I don't care. I've got letters after my name. I have a university qualification. I just had to post!

I finished my other tma for the computer course also, same day. Very, very hard. I'll be happy just to pass that.

Sunday 5th July 2009

Chiang Mai, Thailand.

Dream

I was with mother who was alone and unhappy living in a wasteland. She asked me to so some impractical thing.

Interpretation

It's essentially a fragment. I guess it could mean a warning not to turn bitter over the years... or something, I don't know.

Same day dream

I looked in the mirror and my teeth were quite white.

Date: 9th July 2009

Chiang Mai, Thailand.

I was in a hotel and asked if I could change rooms, which was OK, so I did. I went out and saw a guy on a little bike try and get a guy on a big bike to be his taxi, and in the end he negotiated to be able to just hold on and be pulled along.

I went back to the old room to finish moving my stuff. The cleaning ladies were there. I noticed that the phone was all smashed up. I looked around and realised that the room had been generally vandalised. I told the cleaning staff and they said that it looks OK. They told me not to tell the owner and I got the feeling that it wasn't the first time it had happened.

I went to the new room and settled in. After a time, the cleaning staff stumbled in, having been there previously; one of them had slipped on my cooking oil and we laughed. I saw that she was attractive but that her teeth were mostly transparent. I spoke and she told me that my breath smelt like tobacco and I felt good that at least it was something I could change.

Note: I'm using olive oil on my bad ear at the moment, and I did actually plan to ask about moving rooms, and have now done so, to a much better one in the same hotel.

Interpretation

I think it was just telling me that I had accepted an inferior room at the hotel and to move. The room I have now for the same price is much better...and so it's OK.

Date: Monday 13th July 2009

Darat Restaurant, Thaepae, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 9.11pm.

Not so long since I updated, relatively... for a change.

OK, I moved. I was staying in a place called Rattana. It was Okish for a week or two. It was on the way to the post office, while I needed to be going up to collect the tax letters I was expecting. But there was this loudspeaker that make a ghekho sound, the kind of thing they have in restaurants so the kitchen can tell the waiter that the food's ready; I don't know if there was a restaurant out in the back. It would go all night. One night this combined with a dripping tap and I ended up moving the next day.

I came to HiCentre, HI meaning Hostelling International, so technically I'm in a youth hostel, which is fine. It was bearable for about a week at 200 baht, but then the barking dogs from outside kept me up so I changed rooms. I had definitely been put in a rubbish room to start with; they do that, same as the last place. When I checked in they said there were no rooms upstairs and got me to take an inferior one. It's frustrating... because then what can you do to get the nicer ones? Ask more than once I suppose. Still, it's a free market, in a place like Chiang Mai which is oversupplied, then you accept what you're happy with. I'm very happy there at the minute, it just suits me and the price is right.

I phoned A; this was the first time since I'd left for Laos. All is well, but the post, i.e. the tax forms, hadn't been sent. Carly had gone up to Brian's, my 'common law step father' or whatever, who's been looking after my post for a year and a half. She went up with her husband expecting for there to be a lot, but all he gave her was a few letters and said that was it... which is rubbish. All my study books were there. But really it's the tax forms I was looking for, and they're not there.

So she said that I should change and have them sent to her address. I was getting all this from A. of course. The gossip with Brian was that he's taken up with a woman called Anne. He's setting her up a market stall in Billing and that will add to his business. Essentially, he's back where he started, as running a market stall in Billing is what he did with mother thirty years ago when he first met her. A. doesn't think it will work as M. used to do a lot of the work there. I think M. did a lot of everything so perhaps it's not so easy for him.

Anyway, I looked into having these forms sent to Carly's. It could be done, but I'd have to change my actual address to hers. I had to phone back A. to check it was OK as even her landline would have to go on the form, but it was all fine. The address change couldn't be done online itself, there's a form that has to be printed out and then sent to them, soI though this will be OK to do via Carly. I got it all sorted out, I was faffing about and frustrated as the form will be scanned by the bank and I couldn't find a place that could do it properly, but then I went up to Buddies, then walked to the post office, but it was closed. I googled as to why and it turns out that it's the start of 'Buddhist lent', a five day holiday. I asked on the expat message boards and was told that it wouldn't be open until the 9th. so I had this frustrating time waiting for it to open.

While I was doing this I had the idea that I could work out how much interest I earned in the last tax years, and put this on the application myself. Oh, sorry, I'm talking about the funding for next years university. Anyway, while I was doing that I suddenly realised that I could just print out the statements from online and that would be my evidence.

So after all this, I might not even need these tax forms. But perhaps the fiasco served in's purpose in lessening my association to Brian, whom A. suggested wanted nothing to do with the family anymore, if you can even call it a family now, as barely anyone is talking to each other, though it's pretty much always been that way.

I broke my camera, the same way I broke the last one, a lumpy mattress smashed the screen when I slept with it under my bed. I bought that four years ago, I took it all around the hostels, I took it to photograph M. dying, I bought it from a shop in Northampton which doesn't even exist now.

I have no camera at all at the minute. The same day this happened, the computer keyboard failed. The speechmark/apostrophe went. I could live with it for a while. I had a text file with ' and “ there to cut and paste, but then the I/i button went and it was nigh impossible. It was so awkward that I had to go any buy one. I went to the usual place in Panthip, though there were these really horrible staff members there, though the first one I tried did indeed work, so I bought it, and am sitting now at a table in the open typing on this. I used to dream of having something like this, it was only a few pounds. But it's just... so wonderful, to type so perfectly and comfortably in such a relaxed place, it's like I'm sitting here in conversation with someone because the computer's off to the side and I'm just overlooking the moat and the people going by. Actually, it's even better than a conversation because I don't get any stupid responses. Why doesn't someone invent a computer with a one line display that types ascii text to an sd card and weight 200 grams? It would be good for writers and travellers. Maybe I should get a patent!

So, I got the keyboard, but my MP3 players been broken for ages. I had it for twenty quid, about four years ago, when one gig was impressive in something so cheap. I was looking into a phone. I could get one that accepts microcards. I've looked for ages but only got serious once this stuff all started failing. I did look at one in Panthip in a phone shop, but the assistant got mad because I spent too long looking at it and snatched it away. I'm still looking, but am edging towards a Thai brand. It only has to last a year. The one I like plays mp3's, has a vga camera, this will be so poor it might not even be suitable for uploading. I don't know if it has speakers or whatever. But even if all it could do was make calls, it might just about pay for itself over the course of a year, plus I could play podcasts, and this would save wear and tear on the computer. I think the battery may only last for a couple of hours, but it takes a standard one, so perhaps I could get that, then with two batteries and the computer, I might get up to eight or nine hours when travelling. The company has service centres in various places in Thailand. The cost is about the same as the MP3 player I last bought... and a bit more than the last phone, which I lost over Songkran of course. I've been looking into it and thinking. But yes, I do want something. I'll have one more look on the Internet, and then try and buy something.

I bought a couple of very cheap shirts from Tesco, and that cheered me up. Actually, I thing there's a Mars transit tomorrow and that might give me some energy for shopping.

I finished all the study for the computing course. I just sat and did it. Over the past three days, I've been so, so productive, every time I sit down, I do twenty study pages, a mind map, some web maintenance, look, now I've whipped this out and am talking to dear diary. I just can't stop working, it's such a satisfying feeling.

I love, love, love this computer. As all my other gadgets have failed, I've looked at this and thought, yes, that's what counts though. Technically it can do everything I want. It wan play mp3's, it has speakers, games, photoediting, ebooks. I can buy gadgets to do the individual pieces of what this can do as a standard.

I had a constant ringing in my ear, damned cyst. It got so bad I did actually buy a big bottle of Olive oil, actually it's the smallest one you can buy, so for cooking it's not that big; for putting in your ear it's huge.

See, it's lucky. Now I've started, I want to mention these other things I made notes about but didn't get around to including on the last update.

One time I wanted to mention was in Mutmee, back in Nong Khai. At nght I would sit and overlook the Mekong River. The riverbank on the other side is Laos so there aren't many cars. When they did go past their headlights shone straight across the water like big light lines, and then made me think of moving stalactites for some reason. Then as I watched, there was an illusion or a trick of perception or something and suddenly the black water looked like space and that before me I was looking into an underworld of moving stalactites.

Another thing that happened to me in Mutmee. At the end of the garden was the unofficial wifi table, where people who wanted to use their laptops went. So of course, that's where I went. There was a Canadian Asian woman there talking to a long-term German guy who was into Yoga. Anyway, she was talking about this guy she knew for about ten days, then they travelled on separately and he wants to keep in touch but she realised that it doesn't mean as much to him as her and she wonders what's the point in emails when she will never see him again, and the German said, 'I know, I know, it's painful, but if you write, you'd be putting too much into it.'. I wish someone had have said that to me years ago. What does 'putting too much into something' mean? I can't say but I know. Perhaps you do to... but do you dear diary? You don't have a corporal existence... I keep forgetting that.

The last thing, again, was in Nong Khai, perhaps because it's so quite that my mind just thinks too much? Anyway, I came home early one day for some reason, and saw the tail end of the film 'Capturing Mary'. I mention it because the character is tortured by past love or regret or something and sits and relives all this on a bench in Kensington Gardens, where I've sat myself and done the same thing.

That's the past updates done... back to the present...

I'm still working on a large piece of magick that I don't want to write about, not now anyway, but it's really getting my mind clear.

I've been thinking a lot about what courses to do next, how the exams would work out, I'm starting to see a way forward with my life, dharma willing. You know, there's a masters in Distance Education, I think I'd be really good in that field. Am I too old? I don't know. If I have twenty years of working life left, living simply, compounding interest, the stock markets moves the right way, earnings at the level of a masters degree and I'm desirable to other countries for residence... yes, it's all jumping ahead and I don't know the state of my health, but as strangely as I've lived, I see a vague way forward. Obviouisly a lot could happen and I'm just thinking. But when I do think, I don't necessarily feel hopeless or fatalistic.

Well dear diary, can you believe it, I've updated fully and completely; you can thank my little comfy keyboard for that. If I'd known the difference it would make and how cheap it was I'd have bought one sooner.

So, I shall go to the Internet and do some work, home to watch TV and poss. get a phone tomorrow?

Date: Tuesday 14th July 2009

Chiang Mai, Thailand.

Dream

I was walking round a place that was a lot like Nong Khai. I had all my stuff with me and I thing I was leaving. I found a blue crystal on the floor, actually some Blue John I'd got on a school trip. I thought I'd found something new but then realised that it was already mine.

I was sleeping in a hotel with two other people. Gas started coming in through the aircon and we had to evacuate to the hallway.

I was sitting outside with these women. By coincidence, we had both booked a trip to Portugal; we were surprised because it was on the same day, same airline etc. I asked her if she'd go in a taxi to possibly share, but then recalled that there was an airport bus. She spoke about Portugal and had obviously been before.

Interpretation

I think this dream is saying that my unconscious isn't happy that I've ruled out ever meeting someone again. Blue John, I.e. my depressed self but also my past self as I used to have a piece of blue john I collected on a school trip. So later, it points out that I do get chances to make new friends about my day to day life, and my mind doesn't want me to be too closed.

Date: Wednesday 15th July 2009

Hi Centre Youth Hostel,

Loi Kroh Soi 1,

Thaepae,

Chiang Mai. 1.24am.

Oh god, what a day. things that should take an hour and be fun take all day and are torture. I decided to go shopping at mars is trine itself in my progressed chart, and I wanted the extra energy. Like most days I didn't get out until 2.00pm. I was in two minds whether to walk right up to airport plaza... but the mars energy must have been working for me. I made it as far as 'Chiang Mai Neurotic Hospital ' (honest) and sat on the bus stop, and an auto (tuk tuk) stopped for me and I got the rest of the way for forty. Anyway, I went around the centre for a bit and then had some kfc and a sit down, and I psyched myself up, as all I ever do is walk around shops never buying anything. I thought about it the other day, how cautious I am spending money. It's all part of a general sensitivity. The same way that I avoid any kind of friendship or relationship, because when these things go wrong it's so painful for me. I think same same for being ripped off or buying something that turns out to be rubbish, I feel awful. So, I'm very, very careful.

Anyway, I started off at the top of Robinsons and couldn't see anything. I was looking for magic stuff for this long working I'm doing. Anyway, I went out and sat down. There was a guy next to me playing the radio on an absolutely beautiful phone, all silver with an ariel. God, it was fantastic.

I went back in and down a level, there I looked at the bags. I first went in the sports department and they were so overpriced. Then I walked over to the dedicated luggage department. I looked, it was about 2000 for a Polo, which was nice but the straps weren't so wide. It was really good as the assistants only wanted to talk and play with their phones, one of them was actually lying down; but that's how I like it; I could actually concentrate. There was one that wasn't so bad, I had a really good look and I noticed my mind went from averse to buying to actually deciding on it, it was kind of a 'Shall I just get this then?' feeling.

I got it and paid with a Barclaycard. The receipt said NO REFUND, I tried to cross that part out but the pen didn't work. So, I was done.

Now the plan was to go and buy a micro card so I can put my music on it, then go to Kad Suan Keaw to buy the phone. I know that's weird, but I asked the oracle. It said that the end result for buying a phone in Airport Plaza would be separating, i.e. separating from something in a way that is beneficial. But the same question for Kad Suan Kew, i.e. the end result of buying a phone from there, would be 'Nourishment'. I.e. feeling satiated.

I walked all around but couldn't find a 1gb SD card. I ended up at the i-mobile shop cum service centre. Actually, they were quite nice there. They didn't have model 201 that I wanted, but did have model 200 so I looked at that. She said it would play music through the speakers, but I would need a card, and they did have a card for 250, which is 30 baht more for a named brand twice the size in Panthip, but at least I would have it that way. Plus I got a proper receipt with my name on.

I went down to Starbucks to put my music on it. At first it didn't work, but then it was OK. I st and wondered what exchange rate I would get using the Barclaycard for the bag, and I think there might be a handling charge. I decided that I would go to Central and pay cash if I can get the advertised five percent discount, and credit card if not.

I went to the back of the centre, to 'Northern Village' and asked information about the free shuttle. I had so much trouble finding out about that. I read people's blog entries saying they went to airport plaza on free shuttle from their hotel, but just couldn't get hard details. Thai's are very bad at putting information out like that. Like when the visa rules change and people only hear about it when they actually enter the country. Even the embassies don't know.

So, I knew the only thing to do would be to go and ask, and I was there and I was asking. it turns out, the free shuttle goes to and from the major hotels, at least one of which is in Thaepae, and it is indeed free. But the last one left at seven pm. and it was five past.

I went out to the front of the centre and got straight onto one for twenty, so it wasn't too bad actually.

I went straight up to the phones in Central. The woman gave me a shrink wrapped phone but I wasn't allowed to open it. I asked if I could have the 5% discount. I.e. when you enter there's a sign there saying: Tourists: 5% discount and 7% VAT refund. I know you can't get the vat refund anywhere as they all advertise that but it's only for purchases over 5000, and the phone is 1390. She said, no, no discount. Already cheap.

I said, there's a sign over there...

'Who told you over there?'

'No one told me there's a sign over there.'

'Sign outside for another shop.'

'No, there on this wall, on the wall of this shop there's a sign saying 5% tourist discount.'

'No sign.'

I didn't argue, somehow, even though I've passed that sign for years I always knew it would be a scam... because this is Thailand and nothing is true.

I looked at the phone a long time while she whispered to her friend.

I thought, perhaps the signs not there, it was a long running promotion that's ended. So I said to her that I would go and check the sign, and if it's not there I'll come back and pay the asking price.

I went out, just 15 meters to the door, which is visible from the counter and the only entrance to the counter, and there's a clear sign. It says, in while letters on a black background, '5% discount and 7% Vat refund for tourists'. That's it... it says that on the only entrance to her counter and she denied it. This made me angry.

So I went back and said the sign is there, she denied it and said 'who said?'.

Ugh. She was smiling, but I had raised my voice and her cheeks started flushing. It's not her fault, so I said I would go to the counter. I went to the counter. They denied there was a sign. A friendly man came with me and I pointed to it. Clear as day.

He said it refers to a different shop. It took me a while to comprehend. On the third floor, it's all open plan, but the electrics is run by a separate company, though there's nothing what so ever to indicate this. The sign itself has no logo on it, only the stated discount. I told him it was misleading and to take it down, and he told me to go down a floor to customer service.

You can imagine the kind of absurd conversation I would have there... and all this Mars energy. Oh God, whatever.

So I went down the the basement and found the 200 model in a shop just like the one in Panthip. I think it might even be the same branch. It might even have been the same woman who took the phone away from me last time. I looked and was impressed with it. It was only 1090, a hundred cheaper than the one in i-mobile. I asked if I could test my card and she was hesitant, but did. She changed it to English, and I tried, but it said there were no files on my card. She couldn't make it work and an older woman came over and said it won't play music from cards. I sat confused and a guy was called over, he was actually a really nice person. In all my days of looking around and trying to shop, he was the only nice person I've met. He said that the card isn't formatted correctly. If I buy the phone and format the card it would be OK.

I asked if he could format the card in the phone and he did so, but it wouldn't open in my card reader, and he said the micro adaptor (mine) was broken. So he want and got a usb reader... but Linux wouldn't recognise it. I tried to do a manual mount but couldn't remember the exact command. He put the card back in the phone and took a photo to the card to check it was definitely working, and that was it. I went and had a bottle of water, then shopped in Topps with that absurd speaker, then had to walk all the way home.

I went into Miguel's on the way back. I never did get around to celebrating my good showing in my last TMA, nor actually getting it in on time. So I sat there with an enchilada and tacos combo and relaxed a bit, as the discount fiasco had got me wound up. It upsets me that I embarrassed that woman, or whatever I did to her, perhaps she's feeling bad about it somewhere.

Suddenly I recalled what the oracle had told me the end result of buying the phone in Kad San Kaew would be: Nourishment. And the enchilada and tacos certainly nourished me. Do you think the universe has a sense of humour?

Then I came here to my little room and packed up my new little bag, which I'm actually quite happy with at this point. I had a look at the card that the guy in the camera shop took a picture with. Can you believe this, but it opens. I have a picture of the camera shop on the desktop. FOR GOD'S SAKE. Not only that, but it's 60kb and despite being a VGA, it's more than suitable for my website. The phone would have been fine. I am so, uuuughggghghgh, I don't know. Of course, the astrology's no good until Sunday, though was it good today? Tomorrow, conversations are not so lucky perhaps. Actually, I need to go up for some cheap prints in night market and get on with this TMA. Yet now I know what I want.

It's something to look forward to isn't it. You never know, perhaps they'll have it in Panthip, in a place other than the place that doesn't like me. I don't recall if there are any other phone shops... there's one in Thaepae. But now I know how the free shuttle runs. Just think how convenient it will be. First of all I won't be without a camera. Also, the pictures will be good enough to go straight onto the web. I'll be able to listen to podcasts and actually have a working display to know what I'm playing. I'll be able to save money phoning A. I'll have an analogue clock displayed without walking round with my alarm clock all day like the mad hatter, all for about a grand, well, a bit more than a grand.

And today at least I have my bag. The courses go OK, I have a decentish room, the paperwork I need is on the way and I'm planning a good piece of magic. Plus I've put Dharma Willing Plan as a mind map, and it makes things much clearer for me. It's always been such a long list, but I will also have my TO DO list as one, I've become really conversant with the software. So I started off complaining, but actually, it's quite a good day and it's happy. I'd better got on or I'll be typing until the sun comes up.

Oh, but I'm full of writing ideas also. It's a really creative time for me.

You know what they say about magick, it's actually in the preparation that the magic is weaved and starts working.

Date: Saturday 18th July 2009

HI Center, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 5.23am.

I'm having another day where I'm really stuck in work-wise.

I phoned A earlier. She was having a confused day. Sometimes she seems really confused, having trouble comprehending things, other times she is as I remember.

She said that Carly has sent the papers to me.

But that doesn't make sense. I sent a change of address form for her to forward, so the papers wouldn't be at her house yet, i.e. the tax forms. But I did have just one sent to Brian's... so what if that's confused the issue?

Hopefully A was confused and she meant that Carly has posted the letter to Nationwide, containing the form to change my address? Whatever it is, she did that Wednesday, so it's all happening in good time now.

I was a bit depressed today. I can't sleep; Chiang Mai does that to me. I mean, I hardly ever sleep well, it takes ages to fall asleep, which was always the case, but I keep waking up now as well. Currently I sleep about six in the morning, and after numerous awakenings, I get up about midday. It's getting me down now though. I think it's the same, same, same every day that does it. I keep dreaming of going to China, of course I've got commitments now. Earlier today I just wandered round the streets feeling awful but for no reason I can put my finger on; just lonely I suppose, though there's not much to do about it... as I really don't want people. Ugh.

Just tomorrow to get through. Sunday is a better day astrology-wise, so I'm planning to go to airport plaza to see if I can at least get the phone. That way it will be easier for me to listen to my Buddhist podcasts, and these cheer me up.

I have a small, cheap room, though there's a comfy chair. I pay daily, but it's just 200. I had planned to be in an apartment by now. But I'm loathe to give a local a deposit; things just aren't done in the same way here and I fear I would never see it again.

I guess I could go up to Pai at some time. The thing is being near the post office when these forms need to go out.

There were ambiguosities in the current exam I'm working on. I posted to the tutor message board to ask what to do... so I wait on that.

That's about it for now. Thanks for listening even when I don't have much to say, dear, dear diary.

Date: Wednesday 22nd July 2009 (most total eclipse of the century in three hours)

HI Centre, Loh Kroh soi 1, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 3.55am.

I can't recall the day I went up to Airport Plaza to get the phone. Oh yes, I recall...

Sunday I'd decided to try and use the advertised 'free airport shuttle'. The previous night I'd gone up to Amora Thaepae Hotel to ask and they gave me the same timetable as I'd got from Airport Plaza. I asked if it was only for guests, and he said 'normally it's for guests'. So I wasn't sure, as 'normally', implies exceptions, where 'exclusively' implies that there are never exceptions, so I hung around some of the bigger hotels around night market. I got freaked out though, mainly because of the drivers who were around there. I often find that, anywhere in the world, that the independent drivers that hang around these five star places feel absolute contempt for foreigners in general; there's a moral in that somewhere... though I don't know what. Perhaps that money makes you into a not very nice person... or perhaps it's greed or envy... I mean, the rich turn the people against them, or is it the best hotels attract the most envious people?

So, the next day was kind of a replay of the last time I went to airport plaza. I walked up the south side of the moat to the bus stop just past the neurotic hospital. I sat for ages with a coke. Just as I was getting up to walk the rest of the way, a driver appeared and I got there for forty.

I walked around for a while and ended up in kfc (of course). God, just think if I ever went through all this, over twenty years, way over twenty years, of dear diary, how many times kfc is mentioned. Starting from the one I used to go to on Thursdays near the cinema in Northampton!

Anyway, I went up to i-mobile. I think I ended up with the same one who could speak English. I gave her the memory card which I'd bought off her previously and now contained all of my music. She went and got the box, but it didn't work. So she tried it with one in the display cabinet and it worked. I put a radio Australia podcast on speaker and it was so quiet I couldn't hear it. So I tried to plug my headphones in, and it uses proprietary ones. Now it just doesn't have enough going for it. So I thanked her for her time and left it.

Oh God, after all that. There just isn't the thing I want. Why does no one want memory cards in their devices? What do they do if it fails? Do they lose all their music?

But I did actually use the free shuttle to get back in, to Amora Thaepae, so it was free and convenient and it was just me using it.

Since then I've been looking into cameras, as really I feel naked without one. The one's I look at are about seventy sterling, which is about what I paid for the other ones. One of them, a Sanyo, is quite impressive. It has three metering patterns you can manually set, exposure compensation, post editing and a sound recorder.

Why don't they put MP3 players on cameras? I mean, there's one that records voice, so presumably it plays it back... but only as a wav. But if I converted it... perhaps it can? But there won't be any headphone socket. Ugh. Do the people who design these things live in the real world... or perhaps it's just me who wants to do eccentric things with my equipment?

I've downloaded the manuals for these things, and I think that the end of the month will be a good time to buy something.

Also, I phoned A. All seems OK. the forms were received and sent. Today I actually managed to change my address online, so the whole exercise was pointless. I have a little card reader that they issued me before I left, and I could use that to change my identity. Not sure how it works. It sounds like ssl, but what's the advantage of a reader? Oh, actually, the reader must be reading something that's encrypted on the chip itself, without it ever going into the browser... which is actually quite secure.

There was no other news really. She said Carly's due in October, the middle, possibly M's birthday. I said straight away, 'October seventeen?', and that's odd as I could never remember when she was alive.

Something went wrong with the water here, for about a week now I've just had black soot coming out the tap. The unfriendly staff offered to move me, but I can't stay up long enough. At six am. I get tired and go to sleep. I'm really starting to feel down and perhaps it's a light issue Perhaps it's me just doing the same things in the same places everyday. Either I stay around Thaepae,which means sitting in Lanna all day. Or I go to night market, which means a bottle of water in Panthip, and a fries in Macdonalds, then go to Lanna. Or I walk to Tesco, which is fries in kfc, tesco and Lanna, or go to Kad Sean Kaew, which is fries in kfc, water in the basement and Lanna.

I met this guy in Lanna today, well, yesterday actually. You know, it's morning now. He complimented my computer and was impressed it 'came with' a full size keyboard, I explained I bought it separately after the built-in one lasted for fifteen months. He laughed and said, 'You wore it out with hard work and stone cold attitude!'. Though I'm not sure what that means exactly.

I've written all the next tma, over a month early, so I have good time to get on with it, plus I have three hundred pages of my next course which I found on the Internet, it's half the main book, which is two thirds of the course, so it gives me a head start if I choose that course, and of course I'm free of the computer study, just the work to do. I've also finished looking into possible degrees and diplomas, so I will be able to print that out and have a good feel about it, no, I mean think about it... or perhaps I can think what I feel about it; that's what I'm trying to say.

There's going on ten thousand words in this diary already.

I have been using the new bag for over a week now; I love it. It's so much better. I didn't realise that I was actually ashamed when I used to turn my back on people because it was such a mess. All I need do is buy a reflector of some kind for it and I'm laughing.

I've been filled with self-doubt also, I mean, more so than usual. About many things, mainly about income. Here I am studying away, and at least loving that much, but really what is the point if I've never been able to be around people or get on with anyone.

Oh, but that's thinking ahead; I should cross that bridge when I come to it. Look, look at me, I left school with nothing, an intelligent kid pushed into the remedial class for having avpd symptoms basically. Within two years I'd studied and passed my own a level, well, I didn't actually study, I just passed, and had a grade A gcse and started trying to graduate. Now I have my first undergraduate certificate and am on my way. It's all good really. I don't know how it will work out. Really, I've never had a job. But, I'm looking even to post grad qualifications and funding, so you just never know. I watch the money dwindling... but I'm getting somewhere. I also have high hopes for a book idea, the most focused thing I've ever thought of. I might get out of dodge city yet.

Well it's not that long until sun up. I really want to try and get my sleep cycle right. The thing is, where will I go all day. It's OK usually as I'm not tired so it doesn't matter where I go, I just work. But when I've stayed up, then I'm tired. Perhaps I should look for a book. The worry is the same issue I had when I started sleeping wrong as a teenager. If I go for it and stay away, if I fall asleep at midday, then I might wake up at ten at night and it's far too much darkness and far too long inside the room.

OK, I'll leave it at that. I'll just mention that I downloaded a game called GODS, it's a platform, abandonware. Oh god, it's really good. I mean, really, really good.

Date: Thursday 23rd July 2009

Java Cafe at Lanna Hotel, Thaepae Road, Chiang Mai. 10.28am.

Made it, righted my sleeping cycle. Woke up at three in the morning today, and here I am all wide eyed and bushy tailed.

They gave out the wrong time for the eclipse on the message boards, so I was sitting here. I saw the receptionist look up into the sky at 8.05, which was the correct time, and a farang glanced up disinterestedly. I don't think there was so much affect here.

Yes, but I feel a bit better generally. The room was supposed to be cleaned yesterday, but they absolutely promised me today, so that'll be nice also.

Date: Monday 26th July 2006

Chiang Mai

Thailand

Dream

I was on a train in China heading towards Japan, but planning to go another day. I though about how much I still miss Junko, even now, and started crying; sobbing hard and long. Time went by and I stayed on the train too long.

I'm not sure of the next part that happened here -- but the train was also a shop and I had to stowaway on another boat to get to shore. I didn't hide; I just kind of jumped on uninvited and no one seemed to mind -- and then I was instrumental in getting it to shore safely.

I walked around a really new, modern, attractive city and I thought to myself how it's nice but it would be much better if Junko was here.

I went in a building and no one spoke English but a guy told me to take a piece of coloured string out of a bowl and wait as the string was a kind of waiting ticket. He started talking but suddenly I put my face right next to his and looked, angrily and defiantly, into his eyes and realised that he was a confidence trickster. I walked away, checking that my bag was still locked and on my back and realised how lucky I was not to have taken it off or it would have been stolen.

I walked around and was lost. I though perhaps I could get back to China, with or without an immigration stamp, and not be in trouble somehow. I walked and walked until it got dark. I ended up running in a panic. I ran into a Buddhist monastery. I don't recall exactly but I think there was some danger chasing me, like a monster, and a monk was trying to help me. It was dark and I was scared, but I recall that the place was very beautiful.

I got out and it was day. I kept walking and came across a type of business, a bike business, run by Arab/Asian looking people, and I asked them if they spoke English and they did, and I started explaining what I need. I ended up at the counter with this white guy and I told him everything and he somehow knew everything about me, and me and Junko, though I couldn't work out if he knew her also -- but he had all the memorabilia of our time together. I looked at all the photos and there was one which was a 'missing' one that had turned up. She had been in England with my family when I wasn't there. There were actually two pictures, of her being in my Aunts living room stroking our dog Robbie and a couple of other dogs with Alf (my uncle) and Barbara Jolly (our neighbour)

Interpretation

Hitching a ride to get to shore is me facilitating her and Kym getting together, i.e. she'd been cheated on previously and met Kym and wanted to be with him but needed to cheat on him first so she couldn't be hurt, and that's where I came in... though I'm starting to accept, twelve years later, that was it.

The whole thing is a confidence trick which I suddenly look straight in the eye.

I have an emotional crisis and am spiritually saved (the Vietnamese breakdown).

It turns out that Junko was in England when I was, or there's a picture of her in my past. Either past life, or it means that the seeds of the obsession were laid while I was a child.

NOTE: I had six or seven hours unbroken sleep when I had this dream (rare, my sleep is usually very interrupted).

NOTE: There was a very sad, yearning feeling on awakening.

NOTE: When I saw the picture in the dream, there was a feeling that she's gone and I wasn't going to see her again.

Date: Monday 27th July 2009

KFC, Tesco Lotus Complex, Chiang Mai. 1.50pm.

Very good night's sleep last night, I don't know why. I woke up perhaps once, but overall it was eight hours. Of course, I had a hard, depressing Strawberry dream, but at least I'm well-rested.

OK, a few bits of news. One, I was over this cybercafe near night market where the prints are cheap, and noticed there was a Facebook message, the first I've ever had. It was from Mian. Well, I clicked it and it just said, how are you?, which is the kind of short message which she would often send. But... she has a Dutch surname! She only just signed up and I think she perhaps sent that accidentally but just copying and pasting her address book. I bet she was married as soon as she went to Holland. Little minx! I checked, and the two details she has, i.e. dob 040477 and email address confirm it's her. I'll look forward to seeing if she puts a picture up. But it's good to know she's well as she didn't answer my last email.

The other thing is that, I'm moving the old archived diaries I have stored at picasa to my usb so that they can be on my site. I put the first one up and randomly clicked a photo and it was a diary entry from the first ever diary I kept, and the entry was twenty years to the day, it 24th July 1989. Can you believe that? I was living in Burrows Court, Darren had been round and I was thinking of signing one the dole, and was obsessed with collecting pictures and references to the Sex Pistols, you can thank my sister for planting that bitter seed; but I had the tendency to obsession even then.

I really like this table in KFC, as it's out the back in the corner, but Thai people are immature.

The last thing I was going to say was about the current astrology transit I'm living under, until I think Sunday, and it's Jupiter square Saturn. It traps me and makes me feel confined. I keep looking for ways to get down to Singapore for shopping, or Penang for a change, or China to travel on. But really, I have to wait and start the new courses and collect post, so there's not much I can do.

I went to airport plaza yesterday. I waited in the road by the Amora, and when I saw the shuttle coming I ran up and caught it. I looked all around, had kfc of course. I went to IT city, they were really, really rude in Panthip, but so is everyone, I think it's the neon and piped awful music that does it. Anyway, the advertised discounts turned out to be a lottery. If you win you can have a discount. I had to register on a computer that kept breaking down. Of course, what a rip-off.

I also passed the LG shop. The woman there was really nice, actually the only nice shop assistant I've met recently. I looked at the phone, but there wasn't an 'all in one', it was either mp3 or camera. Only a vga but at least I'd have something for now. I almost got one but decided to look into it. I went on a real downer then but it was a Sunday and crowded. I went home and got the discounted prices from photobug, but they weren't nice there either.

I went to Lanna and looked into the LG and no end of complaints about both of them actually. The speaker is quiet and it's slow, constantly hanging, and I think the batteries are no good.

But I looked a bit more and saw a recommended Samsung, and I just saw today here at Tesco, that the Samsung camera is just over 3000, I think 8mp. I might go up to CarreFore tomorrow, and I'm going to ask around later before I walk back, to see if there's any chance of finding this phone that I like. The bad transit is over Sunday, so I might go shopping then. An expensive time, plus only two days of insurance left. I must get all this sorted out.

One other thing. When I got back to the UK the first time, my personal savings were 10,000 pounds, plus I got the inheritance. I had some extra cash M. gave me as she got ill. So basically, I banked the inheritance, and am living on my savings, i.e. money I saved when I was training in a factory as a teenager and my old birthday money, saved up with accumulating interest. Well, I'm half way through that now. Hopefully, the remainder can last until April, meaning I”ll have two years of accumulating interest, admittedly at only 2% since the downturn, but better than nothing. The interest might be a years money At the end of my courses, there might or might not be a scholarship, but if I stay well and healthy, my heart is set on an MA. I'm so, so happy and grateful to have found a way to study. Otherwise I'd just be spending the money and writing with no real plan B. and it would feel frittered away. Now, I may well be fritting it away anyway, but it doesn't feel that way. I really feel that I'm getting somewhere, on a number of fronts. I'm finally sorting out the strawberry writing and getting other things sorted out. I was going to do that today, but I can't find the file and so I'll have to go on the Internet somewhere. But it's good to get out and do something different, or at least a little bit different. Thanks for listening, dear diary. I love my life (today)!

Date: Friday 31st September 2009

KFC, Tesco Lotus Complex, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 5.04pm.

I'm here with my feet up on the chair next to me and the keyboard on my lap, much to the mirth and merryment of the locals around me.

Generally it's pretty good. Yesterday was a Mercury trine Mercury transit, so I made an effort to communicate. I sent out emails and posted message boards for Dharma Willing Advancement. Then I phoned A. She was really lucid. The packet I sent back with my papers in, driving licence etc. in has arrived safely. Carly is going to hold onto the documents and I'll apply later, perhaps on the full moon?

I logged onto Barclaycard and sorted out my Verified by Visa password, which means that I can actually shop online now, eg. Air Asia and get away from here; I really need a change. Also, I've almost sorted out my name change with paypal, which opens me to receiving money... though I don't know where, but it's a step towards reestablishing with ebay.

I bought more insurance, one hundred and fifty pounds, but it's for six months, I thought, it would only be invalidated if I go to the UK or Japan... and with the current time in the seasons and me having to stay here to start studying, I just can't see that happening.

I walked up to CareForre the other day. I did indeed get an XXL teeshirt, but it's in bluegrey, and so shows the sweat so easily it's basically useless. I must try again, I think realistically that Airport Plaza is my last bet, and the I Ching thinks that this will be the best way to go re: camera.

My visa's out soon, so I bought a ticket to Chiang Rai for the second, to do the visa run, and it was convenient while over that way. I bought fifty USD today for immigration and just to have.

I asked the landlady about a months rent when I get back, 4500, which is thirty pounds off, ninety for the month. Not the very cheapest, but since I moved room I have a chair and TV and the weather is such that I can easily stand a fan. Last night I watched 'The Departed'; great film. Sometimes I really look forward to TV.

I'm a bit down today, but not much really. Things are generally on track. I'm past the five grand of my personal money spent, but I think I have something to show for it. Yes. I'm happy and grateful today.

Date: Monday 2nd August 2009

Tourist Inn, Chiang Rai, Thailand. 11.50pm.

Well, I'm here. I've not been over the moon really. I want to be somewhere other than Thailand basically.

I had a miserable last day. I went to Miguel's for the first time in a month, and it wasn't so good, which is a shame as that place can usually cheer me up.

I checked out and came up here, and it was pretty uncomfortable, ordinary class. Then we arrived at the new terminal, which means that I had to ride out. I'd got the price down to ten, which is the correct price, But then I paid more to 'leave now', which I knew would be a rip off but these foreigners, an Italian couple and a Japanese man, talked me into it. But they took two Thais who paid less when they got off, laughing about Farangs, I.e. we'd paid for them.

So I went to the bakery but it was closed on a Sunday, so I treated myself to DaVinchi, and that's gone downhill and is no good also!

Perhaps tomorrow (almost today) will be better. I do notice that I spend too much time considering the petty, a trait common to many avoidant people.

Date: 8 August 2009

Thailand.

Dream

I was by a lake and was going to swim across to an island where I'd taken photos before, so that I could take them with my new camera -- and I looked at the and I looked at the new camera and thought that I should have bought a waterproof one. I thought about Joanne and realised that she actually owed me money and was surprised as she'd actually seemed honest and genuine when she'd borrowed it.

Interpretation

Joanne is the person I knew before I met Junko; basically she invited me into a sham relationship because she couldn't travel alone, then dumped me when she'd got to Australia! I think this dream is just integrating/healing the fact of how that all transpired, and that I was wholly used.

Date: Monday 10th August 2009

Darat Restaurant, Chiyapoom Road, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 9.28pm.

Funny thing, the mind, ennit?

I've been feeling fantastic, and everything goes well.

I bit the bullet and paid a month in advance. I did it at the weekend and had to go back a few times as the owner or her son weren't there. In the end, it was four and a half grand, which is about three pounds a day. They asked if I'd like a bigger room for no extra charge, and moved me. Now I'm in a place three times the size, with an outside drying balcony, two chairs, dresser come desk, bigger tv with headphone output (which sounds like the cinema when I plug in), nicer mattress and no banging doors at night, Basically all I want from life.

I saw musicman, that guy from Nong Khai with a laugh that used to carry right up from the Mekong. I was sitting studying and he came up and said, 'You were in Nong Khai, hi'. I said hi, and of course cold shouldered him, but he said goodbye when he left. I remember him telling people that he wanted to start a business, and that if he ran out of money he would go to Korea to teach for a bit. I get the feeling that he and his partner get around.

I started psychology study. I have 230 pages of the first book which I found on the Internet. I also had the idea of writing a revision guide and including the mind-maps I make anyway.

Yesterday I enrolled, on dse212, which is the psychology one. I think I'll do the English enrollment on Thursday, and send it the same day, the oracle said this will be OK, in the end. I have all the application printed out and looked at the guidance notes for funding. You have to be 'ordinarily resident', which I am as I squared that with Hammersmith when I was there, so it's all above board. I looked at the evidence I need to provide and I have all that already. Screenshots of bank statements, printed statements, amounts etc. It's all printed out and ready for me to fill up and get sent off.

The only thing is the Englsh ECA, which is due June 4th. The exams will be around the 15th and the oracle said I should go back just before that and then stay some time after. I'll have to start thinking about tickets.

I'm still doing now magic.

I bought incense and candles and started taking refuge ritually again, though I've been taking in otherwise anyhow.

That's about it I think...

Some notes I made previously, to include...

That time I went up to Carrefore and bought the teeshirt. I noticed that I stayed happy all day. Then I realised that it was because I took four long sitting breaks on the way up and so wasn't in any pain. The pain of my disease causes much moment-to-moment grumpiness in my consciousness.

Date: 13th August 2009

Chiang Mai, Thailand

Clairvoyance

I woke up and saw a sign or something, that said:

DO NOT COME BACK STANDARD

The 'come back' may have been 'return', but I think not.

Date: ?20th August 2009

Chiang Mai, Thailand.

Dream

I flew back to London and the next day I was to go up and see A. I started walking and got as far as Picadilly, even though I had no shoes on i.e. I was barefoot. I went into a shop where a woman remembered me from a long time ago. I looked at the wooly hats she had but couldn't find one I liked. I went inside and there was a long conversation with her partner which i didn't really enjoy.

I got on a bus and was trying to get to Goldhawk Road, my previously registered homeless address. Some guy referred to me as a young person. I spoke to the conductor but it was only going near to where I wanted. I paid, but only had a part of the money -- which he accepted.

I got off and had to walk through a shortcut which involved going through a fence.

I was transferring to an airport where the flights are even cheaper

[Note: remembered last] I stooped under a fence and stumbled and then couldn't get up. A guy came and helped me and I reflected on how nice he was.

I switched to a car vehicle and was travelling with a group. We were stopped by the police for a search. A wpc took me aside and was friendly but explained I would have to be searched. I said I wanted to go the the toilet first, but I went and accidentally urinated all over myself. I tried to hide it and realised that I was spending too much time in the bathroom and it would look bad.

Interpretation

Not fitting in there generally, I think.

Date: 21st August 2009

Chiang Mai, Thailand.

Dream

I was on a plane with a partner/a wife of something, and it was hijacked. We flew for a while and then the hijackers made us switch seats - because the plane had to crash land, though I knew that the seats they were giving us were actually safer and so I was happy. We hit the ground and were going along for quite some time and I just stayed in the moment.

We got to a building, which was, I think, a department store, by now the passengers were in [can't read this word]. There was another plane that had crashed by us and the same thing had happened to them and they seemed to be in the same situation i,e, passengers successfully mutinied.

Everyone got out and relaxed and I realised that the hijackers were still in the cockpits, so I found some police who turned out to be store security guards and questioned them anyway.

We all sat and relaxed but a while later the hijackers came back, all arrogant because they had managed to talk their way out of it and get away. I felt quite mad but easily that emotion go because there were lots of people involved and they would push for justice.

Then I was approaching a house owned by the family of a victim who had died in the crash. As I approached, I realsied that they had built a lifesized plane or plane crash or something, in their garden, possibly in remembrance.

I knocked on the door and a woman arrived. I said, 'I was with clare when we went down'. She thought for a moment and then let me in. I think I wasn't sure until that point, that clare had actually died. The woman silently let me in and I was shown to a room with a covered table in. I got up on it and stared jumping up and down on it, as I thought I'd been left alone there. It was kind of fun, but a young girl walked in and looked at me disapprovingly, so I stopped. What I thought was Clare's bedroom was actually a dining room. People joined me and food was served -- so I sat and ate. The food I was given was a floury baguette and french fries. I ate it and was surprised at how good it tasted. The egg had a salted butter taste, and floury bread was a soft baguette still warm from the oven.

Interpretation

I think it about not finding a partner, as when I was younger, Clarre was the first person I asked out. So I'm in the air with my dreams of how love/companionship could be, but it's hijacked by reality and crash lands. It's hard, but I have compensation i.e. a life on the road. So when they get away with it I let it go because everyone has to deal with reality and we all have these ???????.

I, presently, look back at it all at the victims house. I tried to just jump on the table and enjoy life hedonistically, but that won't work -- so I sit down and eat, and am surprised by how good the food is -- i.e. there is no real love -- buy my true work is exploring the psychology of obsession and practicing spirituality -- actually much more important than the thing I originally yearned for.

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