Starting Scanning and University

Date: 21st October 2008 1.30am

DN House, Soi 1, Ratchadamean Road, Thaepae, Chiang Mai, North Thailand.

I've been looking all around for a missing file, but eventually it dawned on me that this really is the longest I have ever not written to dear, dear diary since I left school. My neglect isn't lack of interest of caring, but rather business. I have, basically, worked my ass off. I have to keep up my self-esteem. In the same way that I went to England this year with a set plan and set things to achieve, and did indeed achieve all of those objectives, the same thing has happened here.

I settled with my long visa in Chiang Mai with the intention of finishing all the archiving and my course, and enrolling on another. I've done this. Concerning the archiving, I did most of it in Buddies Internet in Huay Kway Road near Kad Sean Kew. It was the only place I found where I could plug in my scanner and install the software. I tried to install XP on my little computer but by the time I started to get close to be able to do so, I was towards the end of the scanning.

My little black scanner, which A threw away and then recovered, turned out to be typically 'Made in England'. One, it was a brilliant idea in principle, made to no recognised protocol, poorly constructed and basically rubbish. It did photos far too dark, gray at the edges, and transparency film comes out so gaudy it's unrecognisable. However, I pressed on as I'd made my choice with it.

For the first batch, I did them and then had to do a visa run, which is half my visa used up and I realised that I'd not have time to continue this way, as the labeling and indexing was taking so long. So when I got back I decided to concentrate on getting the pure scanning done so that I don't have to carry them, then sort them out at I travel.

It was so much work. Sometimes I would leave Buddies when it closed at two am. and have to walk over a kilometer home past the snarling dogs in the dark. It was frustrating when there was a really good picture that the scanner was just ruining. But then I reflected on how much stuff I'd left England with, everything I own in the world, and the main thing is not to be carrying it. It's not so bad in a way. I still have selected best negs and all the transparencies. I can have a bit more professionally scanned just so they look OK and I have them digitally. I can copy the trannies manually with my camera perhaps. There's a certain irony I suppose. When I used to walk home in the dark sometimes I would reflect on how obsessive I used to be about photography. I had this dream of things working out in Asia and having some apartment some place and buying a projector and being able to sort out all the pictures into albums and project the transparencies. If, at that time, someone had told me there would be this thing called the Internet, and Cyberspaces, and that I would have my own crappy little scanner and I'd be adding them to my own website, I wouldn't have believed them. But then it scoured to me that if I had the choice, I probably would have chosen the way it actually turned out.

See the length of that paragraph? You can tell I'm doing a university course. Don't worry, there won't be a list of references at the end!

Look, that one's shorter. It will just take me a little bit of time to get back into it.

Oh, dear diary, so nice to be back chatting to you, and on my back on bed, isn't that still a wonderful novelty. Yes, the computer still works.

Anyway, to get back to the archiving. I used to spend so long in there that the air con made me sick. Also, I used their loyalty card, which is a large grid with one stamp per hour, and clocked up seventy two hours when it was full, plus the times I forgot to use it and the times I used it after. I think there's over a couple of thousand scans there.

This was one big box of negs I brought with me. I also brought photos in a box. Everywhere I asked wanted ten baht to scan them, ten each, so it would have been about a hundred dollars. I went on the message boards and asked if there was a good place and was directed up to outside the university to look at the places there, but they were all unsuitable. When I think about the day I walked up there, it seems like a million years ago. Eventually I found a place called Hopf for two baht each if I do it myself. This was about three or four hundred pictures. This was just three days.

The only other things to archive were three videos, one starting in Sydney when I was away from J. I've decided against them and am just sending them straight to her. That way if they have a purpose they are out there.

I also have two audio cassettes. One from the last night I was with J. with her voice on, from the fateful night that I bumped into her for the last evening and rather than get away, my life was changed for ever. The other tape was from the 1970's. Mother gave me a tape recorder and I used make tapes while I played with her cats upstairs alone. I was only about eight. It was twenty years plus later when I played them in England and I realised that, while I was alone making these cassettes as a kid, there are disembodied voices talking to me as I did so. Yes, electronic voice phenomena I unknowingly picked up the voices of spirits, there's no other explanation. I decided to archive these also, the send them to some psychic society and be done with them, because I am hell bent on giving up all my possessions and owning nothing.

Oh God, I had no end of trouble archiving those cassettes though. When I first realised I was going to the UK to get all my stuff and would need to do this, I had an address in Hong Kong where they could possibly do it. When I realised I could use the free software Audacity and a simple lead myself I was overjoyed, but it was so much trouble. I finally did them yesterday, but they play back the wrong tempo. I think it's something to do with the sound card, but the recordings I have should be correctable. I just don't want to own them.

I tried to do it when I first got there, then put it off, then finally did it in Buddies yesterday. I realised that the two cassettes are both the same thing, ghosts from the past.

So this is all my archiving. The other big thing was the course, which I've now finished. It's all OK. I did all the TMA's and get an eight-five percent average, which is a 'good pass' equivalent to a grade B. The tutor never mentioned about me not being at the tutorials. Sometimes I struggled to get them in on time, it was so hard to make a start or get all my notes together. I always made it though.

The last one was a timed TMA, exam style, which a choice of feminism or economics, I chose the former and did it in the basement of Kad Saen Keaw, which became a regular place for me on account of the free wifi. I was supposed to use the answer booklet provided, which I didn't have, but I did it anyway with a 'to hell with it' attitude of just doing the best I could with what I did have. Carly reposted it for me, so of course I was two weeks early, which probably looked a bit suspicious, but what to do? I got an email back from the tutor, I missed it as it came in as a Google conversation, but last I heard, she received it.

I registered for the second part of the course, then phoned the OU and was asked to send documents, but then they changed their mind and I painlessly finished the registration online. Now I understand how it works. I have six years of funding. That first course was only thirty points and I can do up to a hundred and twenty, so it was kind of wasted. This second year, I've used sixty, oh it's complicated, as I've considered so many coursed, and you can't do seventy points, if you do over sixty, you have to do a full ninety to get the full money, and there's so much I want to do. I don't know. I'll explain it all another time. I'm not in the mood now.

I phoned A a few times. She seems OK. Well, there is sometimes quite a bit of regret I can note. She once said how good it was to hear my voice,, which is out of character and I think something that a generally unhappy person says. She was saying how all her days are the same, which she often would say, but also that she remembers how it all was before the stroke, as it wasn't so long ago.

I had a conversation with her about one am. once as I was walking home, and she was saying about this aggressive woman who kept coming in the room and that she has to sit there with the door closed.

Also, G. turned up there. He lost a lot of weight and she didn't recognise them. This 'guy' turned up with an expensive bunch of flowers and the manager was with him to check it was OK, and she said it was as she didn't know it was him until after he'd left, so she complained to Carly and again the staff are saying that he won't be allowed in.

Brian and Carly aren't speaking as the latter wouldn't work for the former for free, though Sarah, my sister''s middle, goes there now and gets paid. Carly is training to be a nurse in Kettering and her partner Richard works for Carlsberg brewery doing night shifts. Brian doesn't go to A's at all now, though Geoff is still trying to get the pub off him (illegally). I googled Geoff recently, and found that he has a website for a business he's running with a partner 'The Whole Hog Company'. They organise food for groups where an event organiser pays per head and he comes with a pig roasting machine and roasts a whole pig and feeds everyone, with free apple sauce.

Yep, this is where twelve years of private education can get you in the UK.

I've had three visa runs into Burma since I've been here. Believe it or not but I'm still on the visa I obtained in Hull in England. The first time I walked right up to the airport to immigration and paid for a thirty day extension, then I went to Burma three times. The trips were generally uneventful, I was nice as I'd spend two days there and then pay for twenty-eight days here and get the monthly rate. As I can't stay as long this time I'm on ten percent off, one eighty, six American dollars. It's pretty good, but I still spent a bit too much. There's been an international financial meltdown recently. Those damned shares that Geoff bought me are the worst investment you can make on the footsie and the bank has been nationalised or merged or something. Those banks in Iceland that wouldn't let me have an account when I tried in England are all bankrupt now, so there's an irony in it I suppose. I'm still living on my own savings and haven't touched the inheritance yet, which is planned, even though I've spent a bit more than I planned. I'm not a wasteful person (long paragraph warning...), and I think carefully before I buy anything at all, but I do like to sit and drink in different places. Very fond of good food also. I've fell in love with two places here foodwise, and will goddam miss them so much. As I've been here so long I have to leave the country for three months at least, but I'll go for much longer.

You know, it was just February this year that I was in Jinghong in China. Perhaps because I saw so many things that it feels like three years ago or something.

There, is that paragraph short enough?

How about this?

Or this?

This?

Of course I haven't actually spoken to anyone. Usually I don't mind, but I was a bit down when I archived the tape with J's voice. I didn't listen to it or anything. It's just making me recall then evening, when things were so different. Maybe if I hadn't have bumped into her...

In the same way I noticed that in Northampton, there are a select group of males that were always alone, forlorn and hanging out in the same places I do, I realised that it's the same here... probably everywhere. There's this guy who goes to Starbucks in Thaepae, and in KSK, today he was there when I was, then in the coffee shop Wawee on the way home. He is kind of older cool, driving a miniature chopper with fire painted down the side, he's always on a laptop watching films, talks to the staff a little but always alone.

And there's a old Japanese guy always in Starbucks in KSK, reads the paper a bit (in Japanese) but always alone, and I never see him speaking to anyone.

Where do lonely women go at night? Not that I want to meet them... but every place had it's men that don't belong anywhere. I bet the Japanese guy has a retirement visa, and why not I suppose?

I'm no different except that I have a finite income at the minute.

I can't work out the Thai guy though. I don't know where he gets money; he's not quite old enough to be retired?

Oh don't start me on about Starbucks. When I first got here I was on the nicorette inhalers Going there in the morning for iced coffee was the big deal of the day. Then I noticed that the milk could be off so I would buy my own. Then the coffee was always too weak. The hot drinks are only luke warm, and I've seen quite a few people complain about it. One day I had a coffee that was so weak I had to take it back. So I went onto just water. Now the toilets are by requested key only, so there ends my love affair with coffee shops.

But it did get me used to being happy with a glass of iced water, which I think is a good thing. Also, I go to Lanna on Thaepae Road, which is nicer in many ways.

I've been through quite a few eating places. I used to go to Zest all the time. But I got sick of the band. Also the food was poor. One morning I went there about seven and the staff were still up drinking from the night before, and all sat taking the piss out of me, so I walked out and never returned.

I tried a new place Miguel's on the moat. Not new but new for me. I went as it was recommended on the message boards. It's Mexican, and it turned out to be one of the best restaurants in the world. I try and save it for when I have something to celebrate in some way.

Another place I returned to was the Italian Roberto's. I love everything they do, and the waiter is psychic concerning the things I want and a really lovely human being.

I started going to Pirates Cove near a big hotel. I went because of the wifi. It's run by an Australian called Mark. It gets a bit hot, but is OK when I need to spend all day on the Internet.

I've just checked the word count on this entry and it's longer than a book chapter! That's how much I've missed you!

My health was generally OK. When I first arrived I had a night booked at... some other place. Next day I ate at The Wall, then went up looking for a place I had booked but the provided map was insufficient to find it. I ended up coming to DN again. The rock-hard mattress was hard to get used to, and after about a week I could hardly walk at all, I had to just stay locally for a couple of weeks, but then I got a bit better and now I'm fairly used to it, and I guess that's worth knowing. Just a shame it has to disable me when I first start sleeping like this. Though this is the only place I know where the beds are like this as a standard.

Well, this was one hell of an update, but I might see if I can sleep now. I'm still agitated about the tape and having to leave Thailand and send my stuff away and ugggghhhhh..... I'll see if I can sleep.

Date: Tuesday 21st October 2008

MacDonald's, Night Market, Chiang Mai, North Thailand. 6.20pmlt

Just back from the station; I walked all the way there; I'm leaving Thursday, after all this time. I really did a lot of walking since I was here. I walked out to airport plaza a few times. Perhaps four times a week I went over to Kad Sean Kew, which is a few kilometers.

I'd intended to send the pictures to J, plus videos and cassette etc. but just couldn't face it. I suppose it's getting me down a bit. I feel a bit better writing about it when I'm somewhere new for some reason. I think perhaps I'm making headway, in dealing with the obsession itself. The archiving and getting rid of everything helped.

There was an incident on a plane between Singapore and Perth which descended suddenly. I had a dream possibly before it happened, but because of that there were pictures of Perth airport on the news, and that brought back a few memories.

For some reason, while here in Chiang Mai, I realised that the day A. told me about the missing photo was the anniversary of the day I found out M. was dying. So... well I think I've learnt not to give too much attention to special dates as they weigh on my mind each year.

While I was in CM, the film that was made about Northampton came on. It was something to do with shoes and I did think about mentioning it to J. just in case she ever reads a letter. I only watched the first little bit (I don't want to be reminded of Northampton), but the into music was 'Prettiest Star' by David Bowie, something to which I referred to J. in the past.

While I was trying to find ways to get XP to run on this machine, I got into bit torrents One thing I downloaded was an album "Let's Knife' by the Japanese Punk group Shonen Knife. Ages ago I found the song 'Daydream Believer' online, so it's on my player and I was curious about the lyrics. So I googled them and found a youtube video of Shonen Knife covering it. When I surfed further I saw their picture in an article, I think in rolling stone, and read they've been going since 1988, 20 years. I recalled being in the virgin record shop in Northampton and coming across this cd, I'm fairly certain by them... possibly even that album, but I didn't get it at the time as this was in the bad old days when cd's were thirty dollars.

Anyway, I got this album through the torrent, and it is the best thing I've ever heard. At the same time I got some stuff I used to listen to by the UK punk group Oi Polloi, though I don't like it so much.

I found it difficult to play Shonen Knife to begin with. Perhaps it reminds me of J. somehow. I think they wrote a song about Osaka. When I did get used to playing it I realised that there's a kind of yearning that comes on in me when I have contact with Japanese things, and thought that perhaps this feeling is so strong when connected with music because it's linked to one sense and takes me away from being present in the moment? But the more I played it the more the feeling receded and the music became something about now and the present somehow. Maybe it would feel like that for me to be in Japan? There's this magical place for me in my mind, but when I go and confront reality, it's a ghost?

Nowadays, I think of this awful feeling that I always run away from on reflex, and want to turn and face it. Like the Zen story where a man is being haunted by his wife and is instructed to hold an amount of random beans in his hands and ask her to state how many beans there are there... and when he does so, she disappears. Meaning, these things that haunt us in our mind have no substance when we turn and face them like good Zen students.

What is the essence of the desire that consumes me about this? Is it the same as fuels *all* desire? Perhaps to cure this I can be forever free of everything?

Next Day (technically)

DN House, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 3.55am.

Just been going through my stuff. I've achieved over two and a half... thousand? No, that can't be right. But I've archived a hell of a lot of pictures, negs and prints, so I've just put them in a bag to be left behind.

I recall leaving Northampton with the goal of coming here. I had the bags I could just about carry, with the goal of archiving it here, which I've done. Not only am I leaving that behind, but also I won't need the scanner. It 'owes me nothing' as A would say. Plus I have archived the tapes and a cd, so I can leave the two players. I've finished the course books I came with, plus audio cd's and dvd. I've done with so much. The two bags over by the wall look to be about four kilos. It's sad, but satisfying also, because it's gone, gone, gone forever. I've archived it the best I can and this is everything I own in the world.

We exist in the world with a sense of self that desires, and the way I see it, you can go two ways, you can appease self and try and consume and achieve things, or you can learn to want nothing.

Though I guess I'm not the only person to have thought that.

I came back from Night Market and got some podcasts. I bought a storage device for the computer. Then I went to Roberto's for the last time. Oh God, it was so tasty

I booked three separate places in Bangkok. First night in Silom, because the place came with good directions so I'll know where I'm going, plus it's near the places I have to shop. Second night is over by the airport as it's cheap. Then a night in Banglampoo. Then I'll decide where to stay for the remaining days. I must make a list of the things I need to do and buy. A bag is one thing. I waited as I want to travel on and see how much stuff I have left so I can guess the size I'll need.

Tomorrow I'll have a last wet burrito in Miguel's, and see if there's any chance of sleeping.

I must send the various bits to J also.

Concerning J...

I wrote concerning the obsession (I mean I jotted the observation in my notebook) I project the intangible onto the impermanent.

I bought a book a while ago. I would say 'on a whim', but really I rarely do anything on a whim. I thought about it for days, but I did get it. It was about a guy who lives in various realities. The reason I mention it is that there was a passage where someone said, 'No one is a hero to their driver', and that made me think of the way I idealise J. Idealisation, of a person at least, is based on blanks, i.e. having large gaps of knowledge about a person where your mind can fill in what it want to be the case. You would never idealise someone you know everything about them... unless they really were perfect, and if that was the case, you should take them as role-models in fact, rather than imagined idealisation of what might be.

Also, the whole thing isn't just me wanting me to be with her (how can it be, I don't know her?), it's more about me wanting to be someone else.

It was strange to archive the audio cassette with J's voice, as I made some of it here in Chiang Mai at New Year 1994.

Does this sound like I'm chopping all over the place in my thinking? Sorry, I should have mentioned that I'm actually writing up various notes I made as part of (yet another) retrospective.

Perhaps I should make it a bulleted list?

• The whole situation of not being wanted someone else being chosen, is so much a mirror of my upbringing that it can't be coincidence.

• She shouldn't have clung, or wanted to stay friends There was a certain amount of energy in my mind and we stayed friends and it attached to her, and she wanted to leave the possibility open, at least for me. Perhaps I could have just attached it to someone else. I didn't always feel it. It came on when I bumped into her and realised that she felt regret, then I was shocked that it was so persistent over time.

• Strawberries solution:

  • Just forget

  • Meet and be together

  • Meet and be friends

  • Find someone better

  • Find someone worse

  • Stay as I am but change the way I feel about it

• It's important not to underestimate how much it's an anti-transference thing i.e. the Orient represented everything that isn't England, and the energy it takes stops me (perhaps) having to face up to my feelings concerning the things that happened to me in the past.

Date: Wednesday ?22nd October 2008 10.27pm

Miguel's Restaurant, Chiang Mai, Thailand.

I came here for my last meal, but the heavens have just opened and I'm trapped. For the first time since being here I'm actually cold as the spray from the rain is going before the fan; I've been cold in the room also though, just these past couple of nights.

I send the pictures to J. and also a few to Darren. I decided against sending the video, just in case someone plays it. I think it would be embarrassing stuff on there and it's better to destroy it.

I'm on a bit of a downer to be honest. I think this is just the way my self goes when I'm a bit uprooted. Perhaps I'm not so much looking forward to the twelve hour trip? I should feel good really, considering how much I accomplished while here, and I'm well.

It's about J. as well. Even though I haven't written, she's still a near constant thought. It makes me mad in a way; I don't want to feel this way.

Of course I looked at the picture that A lost twice, the first time I've ever seen it. Damned A. I only noticed a day ago that on the back it says 'Rouen, France'. I didn't know that, so it's like the first time she's told me.

Oh, why couldn't I just get away in Perth?

The picture was from about eight years ago. She looks a bit slimmer, and her hair was longer. She had long white trousers on, which is a different kind of thing than I remember her wearing.

Perhaps I should just think about the trip?

I have the three different hostels booked. The first is in Silom, near the porn district, but I have definite directions. It sounds expensive, but the owners have contacted me already, so it comes across as a well-run place.

The second night sounds like a pain. The directions are to go to a station, then take a taxi. That's it. I emailed them for more info, but I don't know. The main thing is that it is cheap.

Third night in Banglampoo. After that I should be settled enough to find a place for the rest of the time, and I can concentrate on what I need to do there.

I want to go home now, but it's raining so hard I'll have to stay here for a bit. I might be able to write a bit later after I've packed.

Glum.... but grateful.

I must change my reactions to this. Often I think and get the usual yearning and then consciously recall my surrender and just remember that I've given it all away and it will sort it out for me.

ah.

Date: Sunday 26th October 2008

Roof View Palace Hotel

90/1 Samesean Soi 6,

Banpanthom,

Pranakorn

Thailand

12.32am.

Arrived OK. I spent the last day packing and didn't sleep at all. I came down and the room girl was there and said, 'Luck to you' as I left, which was nice.

I left at seven so I had an hour and three quarters in case I couldn't find transport. Even though I'd got rid of a lot of stuff I was still a little heavy as I still have negs and slides I was to professionally scan, various pictures to send to people, the audio-cassettes, my old passports I'm still deciding what to do with.

I walked up to just before the river and a driver stopped. I actually managed to get a good price and was driven there. Inside there was a cheap place for coffee. I sat there for an hour and a half. Then the train was there but I had to just wait fifteen minutes while it was cleaned. I got to my seat and the promised aisle seat was a window seat, but a girl of about ten had swapped with me. She was on my right and her mother and sister were on my left. She kept trying to chat and was quite irritating to me.

Twelve hours. I got some 39 bath headphones just to listen to podcasts on the trip and they turned out to be ideal. I has some chestnuts. The family got off after about eight hours, and a guy came. A girl from behind charged her phone in a plug before me, so I could have sat and typed, but I was still happy enough really.

We were an hour late. I phoned the hostel and they said they'd keep the room. At the station, I got the underground and was able to find The Urban Age. The girl was really friendly. All the rooms were themed and I was given 'The Japanese Room'. I went out and had a coke at KFC, then a subway. I came home and realised I'd left my clock in KFC. I didn't sleep for hours, but then woke up at 11.30am with half an hour to get downstairs. The reception was a typical hostel, so I had free coffee and put two bags in storage, then went to KFC. Yes, the clock was there. It's the white one I got in Sainsburys Northampton. So it's lasting me OK. I just wondered, sitting here, if A dies first, I wonder if I'd ever see it again (not that I want to). If I went back and there was no one there, then who would I see? Why would I be there?

Anyway, I had booked Asha for that night, right out from the centre, but they don't give directions other than 'get a taxi'. I only managed to find out the nearest underground station (well, skytrain) by googling it and finding someone's blog. I was mad. I got there and phoned for directions, and the receptionist put the phone down on me. I went to the street and got a tuk tuk. Once there, the same receptionist was curt. The room was 'in the ballpark'. I went out looking for somewhere to go but there was none, so I got food and came back to the common area by a little pool, where there was free wifi and actually was quite nice.

I couldn't sleep at all. I went and showered at about five am. and then slept, but soon after staff kept coming to my room with phone messages about a ticket to Calcutta. I told them I know nothing about it, but they didn't speak English.

I went down to the pool after checking out, and sat for about an hour. It had a hostelly feel to it with transients coming and going talking about places seen.

I got the skytrain and got off to the nearest stop to the computer shopping centre Panthip, but it was noisy and chaotic and I didn't think much of it. Then I went to Siam Paragon. I had a Subway and a really civilised relax, but the bookshop I was looking for was less than I expected. So, I had planned to look at photo shops but went to Saphan and got the boat to Banglampoo. I had a coke and went to a chemist for Nicarettes. They were 100B more than Chiang Mai, though she said it was the same price everywhere. I risked it and got the right price at Boots in Khao Sarn, though she had insisted there wasn't a boots there.

Then I went to a place I had eaten at before, months ago, but was ignored. A French woman joined me and she was instantly served, so I left. I walked back up Khao Sarn to look for somewhere. I noticed the man in Nat Guest House was the same guy who was there twelve years ago, as is the old guy walking round selling hammocks.

I went looking for the new hotel and got lost, A Thai hotelier helped me and I found it. I checked in, very nice, then went out for food. I couldn't choose and ended up having another subway. Walking back, I passed the Thai/Chinese place Suksawad, the place where me and Sun spent our first night alone (ugh). Then I put TV on and sat here typing.

Date: Thursday 30th October 2008

KS Guest House, Near the old New World Shopping Centre, Banglampoo, Bangkok. 12.12am.

Uh, I feel awful now. I've been dealing with some of the J. stuff, and whenever I do that, as you know, such a feeling comes over me that I can't shake, though there's other negative stuff.

I left that rather nice hotel and came here. It was recommended for wifi. They tried to steer me to a double, and this is an influence of hostelworld, as sometimes one person will book the room. But the night was intolerable. So in the end they did get me to move.

I had an awful day over the city. I went to the bus station, but the choices were too confusing and I ended up with no ticket. I came back and got my bag and a Thai local directed me onto the wrong boat, and the conductor got me off at a different stop, saying I could cross the bridge, but of course it was vehicles only.

I found a place to scan the negs, two places, and at both the machines broke in the time between me asking and me actually going back with the films. Today I've been culling and have a bag with the last of what needs doing, but the J stuff is there and it gets me down.

My camera broke. I have the older one still. Somehow the screen got smashed.

I did the I ching to ask if I should send J my passports, my old ones I mean, as I don't want to carry them. It said, 'there are no fish in the pond, and the problems this causes are going to get worse', cue me going on this major downer.

I only have two days now to shop and get everything done.

I don't know if I like Bangkok, but there's a kind of connection for me, in that I came here first, and lived here before meeting J. I walked past old Marco Polo Guest House today, it's gone and is a shop. The whole alley is developed, but it's the same woman at the little shop as I exited onto Khao Sarn Road. She remembered me when I returned to bk the first time, but wouldn't now I guess.

But there's a MacDonald's and Starbucks on Khao Sarn also now. I don't know how I feel about that. Older places are still there. The same man running Nat. Wally House, where I lost the Nova article. Seven Holder where I watched endless films, though they have a band now.

Up behind the Wat at the top, MerryV is still there. There used to be a girl, very forward teeth and distinctive face. There were two of them, sisters, always carrying bags in and out. Now there's only one and she runs it. Very cheap and laid back, but kind of depressing as I witness impermanence. I look at her and can still see the girl she was, and the woman she will be. I don't think the place has been decorated since I was there.

The New World Shopping Centre closed down, because of competition, it used to be so convenient. Also the restaurant by the river with a cute little baby wandering about has gone, just turned into nothing.

Today, as it's kind of a new moon, I went into my OU site. Good news, the DD121 site is open, but the other courses are waiting for me to return forms that have been sent out. So I have the option of trying to register by phone, or coming up with some way to explain why I can't return them, or the plan is over at almost the first hurdle. This realisation added to the mood today looking at J stuff and the I ching's message.

It feels like everything that could go wrong here has done so, and I feel really alone. I sat in MerryV today and considered if I have regrets. I mulled the difference between remorse and regret. I have much more of the latter.

I'm basically in the same situation the first time I was here. I wonder around by myself, eat by myself, occupy myself with work I'm passionate ab out but is of no consequence to anyone but myself.

Perhaps it's better. If I'm lucky, I might be one the way to a degree. I'm teetotal and non-smoking. My spiritual practice is more grounded. I'm more self-reliant and am trying to come up with ways out of it, and I'm giving up all my possessions in a type of surrender to a calling which I don't yet understand... but am driven to own nothing.

The thing is, as hard as it is to let go, I don't miss things I sent to J. If I can just get it all done here, then it will be behind me and I can concentrate on the study. Oh God, that looked a bit, worrying. There's so much stuff I don't have here, no cd's etc. I wonder... I think if I look at it properly tomorrow.

Date: Friday 7th November 2008

Aboard the Mekong Express Bus from Sihanoukville to Pnom Pehn

About 4pm.

The conductress moved me, so I'm unexpectedly comfortable and can get a few tasks done.

OK, I think my last night in Bangkok was 31st or Halloween I did actually get everything done which I wanted to be done. It was good. I stayed in the room for a bit, then walked down to Banglampoo post office and got everything sent off. Very nice now as I stay in some really mouldy little places and don't have to worry about having such precious things with me.

I bought the wrong phonecard, so only had a few minutes to phone, but the best news was that I did indeed phone the OU and am AOK, I was able to complete the registration by phone for the next course. I already have access to the site, and so it seems quite good. As I understand, I can still do the other courses should I so wish.

It was nice on the last night. Alcohol companies build plastic haunted houses on Khao Sarn and everyone was walking round with devil horns on.

I left on the first. I had stayed up working out where to send the ghost cassettte to. I realised I could save time having a taxi to National stadium and getting the skytrain from there, so I was missing out the boat section of the trip. I did so. The first driver didn't understand what I wanted, but the second got me there OK.

I again got smashed going through the turnstiles, and realised that they snap shut when they think two people are trying to go through at the same time, or when a dumb farang is going through with his bags.

I ended up at Om Nut very early. There was time for a coke at kfc. I was the first customer and there was something wrong with the mix and I had to send it back. Then I went shopping. I looked at some cheap speakers and ended up buying them as I felt guilty at making them open the packaging. I came back to the bus station and was again unsure which ticket to buy. I left the little bag with the computer on a bench and remembered as I was walking away from it. The bus itself was fine, and it dropped us off at Trat bus station out of town.

I ended up riding into town with two English kids, a couple. I don't recall their names but they were from Brighton. When I said I was 'from' Northampton they looked at each other knowingly as they had just gone up there to drop off an unwanted cat at a cat woman/mother they know there.

The guy made a big deal of shaking hands, as though we had a meaningful connection, but he's young and not yet used to the large amount of casual people that come and go when you're on the road.

I checked in the intended hotel OK and looked at my stuff. The clothes were OK, but speakers didn't work. They only played bass and drums and I couldn't here voice, which is useless as I bought them to play podcasts... so it was very frustrating to put them straight into the bin; perhaps I should think more of a computer speaker.

I went to KFC where the salad was finished, so it was fries and rice. Then bed.

Next day I checked out and the bus to the border left back at the station. My info said it should be 20b, the owner said 25b but the drivers asked 800! I got it to 40 if I wait for someone to share, but no one came and so I ended up walking back.

I was expecting to have to share a minibus with 16 people, but in effect it was very comfortable. It was mostly English people. We got there and someone put all the bags onto a trailer. I don't know what it was for but I guessed it wouldn't be free and so I pulled mine off and got stamped out at Thai immigration. It' was the last day of my visa, I had been there exactly six months to the day..

I knew there would be trouble at the border as the Cambodian immigration people have various scams to get more than the set twenty USD that the visa is supposed to cost. I lined up. The couple before me were asked for and paid 1100 baht, about fifteen USD too much. I gave them my passport and a twenty dollar bill. This was thrown back at me and the demand, 'get Thai baht'. The couple before me looked shocked, then superior, thinking I wasn't going to get it and they were so clever. I calmly picked up my passport and the bill and went and sat with the taxi touts. We chatted, they liked talking about English football, and I made a cheese and fruit bread sandwich.

I went back to the counter and was asked for just 1000B. I said no and again gave them my passport and a twenty dollar bill. They threw the money back at me, slammed the window shut... but kept my passport. I went again and sat with the touts. We talked about Cambodia, and the old boat service which is now canceled as everyone goes by bus.

I went back to the counter and they angrily demanded the twenty, and my visa was in there; the twenty was all I paid.

There was only one car to Koh Kong that wanted 300 but I'd read about someone who got a better price to the casino. I walked there, but there was no car. This same person kept coming, and in the end I did give him 300, but I was vastly overpriced.... then again, just the one.

We chatted on the way in. He touted various hotels but I stuck to my plan to go to the centre. I asked about his smart looking phone, as it's important not to talk about anything that can lead to you being taken somewhere you don't want to go.

I walked three streets to the hotel I'd planned on staying at. The road was flooded mud and I started to recall everything I hate about Cambodia. My flippies came off and were caught in mud.

I found the place. It was musty but OK. I went and ate at a place called 'dugout'. The owner was foreign (to Cambodia) and looked at me like scum when I sat there, then barked at me not to put my feet up.

I spent two nights in Koh Kong. The walls of the room were paperthin. There was an old UK man next door who sang all night and talked to himself On the second night I was walking home and someone's dog attacked me, leaving me bleeding on the leg with puncture marks and bruising which is yellow now, and I notice today that it looks worse than when it was first done.

Actually, the last time I was in Cambodia I was bitten also.

Uneventful bus to Sihanoukville, the beach I never got to see last trip. Checked in the intended place but it was very musty and no furniture. I stayed there three nights (I think). I did walk up to the beach, but it wasn't much. I did a fair amount of OU work, and got an email from Dave the tutor about a tutorial tomorrow at Northampton College. I also realised that, again, the last tma has to be handwritten and sent in, so very inconvenient, but I think it's OK.

I ran out of nicorettes, and just have low-strength patches; I think I'm a bit cranky. I woke up this morning and just decided I was leaving the country asap. I walked up the the Vietnamese embassy and got a visa in minutes, then bought a bus ticket, and here I sit, on the bus, going to Pnom Pehn.

Date: 24th December 2008 (Christmas Eve)

Kimuyen Hotel

Nha Trang

Vietnam. About 8.30pm

Well, I'm halfway up Vietnam at this point.

I stayed on the bus to Pnohm Penn and it arrived at night. It was raining a little when I got to Sisowath Quay and I walked to where I thought my chosen (though unbooked) hostel would be, and ended up hopelessly lost. I hadn't had time to print a map so sat near the palace looking at the map on the computer, but still couldn't find the place, or even be sure where I was and I started to feel unsafe.

So I thought I would get a bus to Capital Guest House, as at least I know it is safe, and it need only be for a night. Sorry, it wasn't a bus, I meant to say auto. It arrived and I had second thoughts about Capital; it looked so grim. I walked on a bit and asked at Nice Hotel but they were full, so I went to Dragon Guest House opposite it, which is where I used to sit and eat on my last visit. I walked up the stairs and the girl said there was a room but only for one night as it was booked. The female owner came and said she remembered me. There was various discussion and it was decided that I could stay as long as I want and wouldn't have to move at all. So I ate and was basically settled for the night. The room had Chinese-style ventialation, so it was hot, but I slept well.

Date: 28th December 2008

Unknown Hotel, Hoi An, Central Vietnam 1.40am

I arrived today. To continue the story... Pnohm Pehn (or whatever it's called) is kind of OK. I think it gets you down after time as there isn't really any respite. You don't get a great room, and there are no really nice places to sit and work, so I didn't stay so long. Also, I didn't really find a place I liked to eat. I used to go to this red place at night but then they ran out of drinks!

I ran our of nicorettes there. I knew this time I wouldn't be able to make it, but I found a chemist that had some really expensive ones.

I bought a ticket to leave from Dragon, to go to Saigon. On the last night at the riverside, I found an amazing place to go, like one of the nicest places ever, a kind of post cocktail bar with wifi for free... but it was too late, I was going.

In the morning of leaving, there was no pick up, so the owner put me in a tuktuk and I was taken to a waiting bus by the roadside. A curt woman put me in a seat other than my own because they were changing it round, though I had to seats by myself so I didn't complain. It went off and we stopped at a 'typical place' halfway to the border. By typical I mean... the kind of typical place buses stop at all around Asia, serving local food cooked fast. No thought to do something like print a menu for all the foreign people traveling around the country. So all non-locals just stand there looking at the food and stretching their legs for fifteen minutes until it's time to get back on the bus. Apparently, in all these places all around Asia, it has never scoured to any of them to try and sell the things to non-local speakers and even put a hand-written price in front of the vats of food. It's not as though they sell a lot of things and don't need the business. Like the little stalls around these places, they never put a price on and no outsider ever buys; they all just assume that foreigners never buy crisps, water or the unpriced. In Asia, no one is ever capable of empathy.

We got to the border. I was on a new bus called Sapaco that had only just started business, though it was really badly organised. It took an hour to get through as they took everyone's passports but didn't know what they were doing; it was come here, go there, they were telling to to do things contrary to possibilities, like go through locked doors etc.

Anyway, we got through and arrived in Saigon when it was late. I walked up 'Mini Hotel Alley'. I just wanted a rest, so paid fifteen US for a nice room with wifi, which I was too tired to use, and I went and ate in Sasa. I realised that Sasa was the place the Vietnamese girl I met on the bus last year recommended but I never made it too, funnily enough, this trip it became my main place.

The hotel I was in was called Cam, but it was out of my budget, and also painted in darkish blue, which I found depressing, so I went out looking for somewhere else. I walked for a couple of hours. I ended up just opposite of where I had been at Linh Hotel, a windowless room for ten US. Not great value but I thought it would be OK.

I had planned to be in Saigon until next year. Last time I was there my visa was expiring, and I had to leave before I was ready and I felt it was a place I wanted to settle and spend time in. I did settle in a way. I stayed in Linh, mainly as I kept my own passport and could pay daily, though they were unfriendly to be honest. Even though it was called a hotel, it was one of those guest houses where you have to walk through their living room to get to your room, and they made no bones of letting me know how irritating it was to them when I used to walk through and disturb their TV.

Where did I used to go in Saigon? Sasa at night. I went to Highlands a lot, which is an upmarket coffee house, there's one in the tourist area, a really good one in Behn market, well, near there, one near the river in the Prudential building I used to go to Diamond a lot as there's wifi in kfc. I never made it to the church as it's never open.

My flippies broke. It says something about the state of the free market in Vietnam that I only have a pair of size nines, three sizes too small, which I bought in a supermarket for five dollars, at least twice of what I would have paid in UK. I did see some, but the vendor wanted thirty dollars! And this is about the only thing I bought that wasn't food related.

I finished my first essay for the second part of the course, and got the result one night when I was in Highlands Prudential 68%, my lowest mark yet, and the tutor comments were harsher. I have a new tutor for this course... so I've been working hard to try and do better.

Did I say I ran out of nicorettes. Oh, yes, but I ran out again. I tried hard to find some and then just did without for a day, and couldn't take it, so I ended up buying tobacco and chewing it. Just normal tobacco Hopefully this isn't a permanent solution and I'll have to th think what to do about that.

I wasn't so happy there at the end. The noise got to me. I did finish making most of the scans into albums though. I was faffing about where to go and was almost on the way to Dalat. When I realised how cold it might be, I changed to Nha Trang at the last minute and bought a ticket with Sinh.

Oh, the reason why I left. I was in two minds, but one morning the owner at Linh came to the door. After I'd been there for three weeks paying American dollars daily, and said he'd taken a long term booking for today could I leave now. He said if the person didn't turn up I could come back later. This was unreasonable to me so I refused and chained my bag to the railing over the internal window and bought a ticket to Nha Trang

I spent a last day in Cine Cafe and booked a hotel called Kimuyen, and went to see a film. I don't recall what it was called but the story was by Nicholas Sparks and Richard Gere was in it; I liked the story but there was a group there talking and using phones. I realised that it was the first time I had been to the cinema since my day being abused by the police in London, about a couple of years ago by now.

The bus was uneventful. I was sitting next to a mainlander EU, eccentric who sang to his ipod, but turned out to be nice enough. We stopped for lunch at the same place I stopped the last time I did the trip when I met the Vietnamese girl. When we arrived at Nha Trang a woman from the hotel was waiting for me and I got a free taxi to the hotel.

Kimuyen was ten dollars. Next day I really friendly woman chatted to me and I ended up paying eight per day week in advance sans breakfast, which was fine by me, especially after a couple of days when I realised there was free wifi. I had a balcony. Downside, the mattress was foam and the furniture was fit for a dolls house. I was sitting in the chair one night when I snapped the arm of getting up. I put too much weight on it because of my bad leg. I told them the next day and when I got home at night the chair was gone and there was a free bowl of fruit left for me; perhaps in case I felt bad about it.

One day walking into town, the girl from Truch Linh, where I stayed last time, not only remembered me, but actually used my (old) name when she ran up, shook my hand, and tried hard to get me to come back!

First day there I ate at Rainbow Divers because of the wifi but it was patchy and owned by someone English, so I never went again. They remembered me at Amis so I used to go there daily, but they started watching TV all day and never put any fans on, so I went off that also. I used to go to Louisiana daily for the wifi and that was OK but the music was dire. I found a much better place for wifi called Ching Kong, but Christmas eve I found a dirty tissue in my sandwich. I complained and that waiter said, 'Did you eat some?' and I said 'Yes', thinking it was empathy that I'd eaten dirty tissue and might now get the waiter's hepatitis, but of course he was Vietnamese and not capable of empathy and 'Did you eat some' meant, you ate some of the sandwich and so must pay for all of it. I didn't argue as it was Christmas eve and I didn't want to argue.

I have the policy of not going into restaurants where they stand outside and tout, which means there are very few places I could go to. Actually, when I went of Amis there were none. So, I booked a ticket to leave early.

Christmas day I went for a coke in Louisiana, and went home with weetabix and cheese crisps for the room , sonsoling myself that it was better than any Christmas I ever had in UK.

I had a really unlucky spell in Nha Trang also. I trod on a piece of wire in the street and cut all my foot open, broke the chair, fell over the draw in my room saw a motorbike accident, it was just thing after thing.

I got most of the scans uploaded though, and finished my study block, so it was quite a productive time. I had my hip flare up and limped for a bit, but am just recovering now.

When I left Kimuyen gave me the last day's rent back, though I didn't ask for it, they insisted, so they were really fair. I had average food in 'Good Morning Vietnam' and got on the sleeping bus to Nha Trang. I was shocked at this. It was kind of a bed on the second tear that wasn't long enough for me, horrible, and the woman next to me agreed. Plus I was laying there with all my notes and computer on top of me. The only consolation was that we arrived two hours early. My chosen hotel was full so I checked in the place I'm currently in typing this. Ten US and the girl is friendly, but it's damp and overpriced, so I'll look for something else tomorrow. First impressions of Hoi An are not great, but I was tired and I'm being a bit of a Christmas Grump at the minute.

Phew, up to date!

Date: Tuesday 30th December 2008

Thanh Binh Hotel,

1 Le Loi Street,

Hoi An.

About 1am.

Ugh. I've had a horrible time really. The first hotel was quite damp and I woke up with back pain. Well, actually, I woke up OK but twisted slightly and it came suddenly. I had to sit still for an hour just to get some abatement. I thought I might be able to get a better deal and so checked out, then ended up walking for two hours and ended up in this Chinese Hotel which turned out to be even worse, it's almost like someone threw a bucket of water over the mattress and it's inside a fridge. I'm surprised by how cold the place is.

Yesterday (though it feels like today as it's still the same period as I woke up in, I decided to move again as this room is the back one they give out... you know, they put all the poorest stuff that doesn't work into the least popular room.

So I ended up walking all around. The whole place has this musty smell, I mean even in the street. Eventually I ended up at Hop Yen, reputedly the worst hotel in town, and even there they only had the dormitory left. I decided I have a better chance of settling somewhere and getting some work done if I just leave. My options going north were Hue or Hanoi. There's nothing in Hue last time I was there, but it's on the way and I'd still have the option of leaving the next day? So I booked a hotel and emailed for a pickup, no idea if that will work out, I'll check tomorrow, then I came back to this same soaking bed. It's not even cheap.

I've eaten some nice food though, and my back feels a little better at the moment... though I'm sitting on the chair avoiding lying down at the moment.

I want to type up some notes I made to wrap this up.

One thing that came back to me was about Christmas day. I was in Louisiana and I had this 'moment'. One thing, there was a woman eating there before me who was the spitting image of Junko, but she had either some kind of spasticity or a very severe facial twitch. One minute she looked like J, the next minute she was really distorted

A long time ago I finished the scanning, I think I mentioned it, the last thing I scanned, ever, after scanning every pre-digital picture I ever took, was the picture of this Aborigine I took outside of Perth library, the last picture I took before I met J.

This is a fragment I wrote in my notebook, but I don't recall when, it's from quite a few months ago, whatever sparked it.

Dear Universe,

I surrender.

Everything I tried has failed.

I feel awful, empty.

I don't have anything or know anyone. I can never get on with anyone and all people are impermanent – and ultimately leave even in the best of circumstances. So, as the pain of goodbye is worse than loneliness – I've given up even bothering to even try or hope to know someone.

But that doesn't work either. There are yearning memories, broken dreams, crushed spirit and long evenings to get through.

Thank you for all that blesses me. I am yours and wholly surrender.

Please help me find my answer,

Sunken servant,

Another note I made, about when I was out shopping one night in Thailand, I mean just at the supermarket. A woman went past me and dropped the case for her mobile phone, but it was a fancy one. There was no one else in the aisle. Just I saw ir fall down and she walked past me and I just glanced at her and carried on shopping. But after she was gone I stepped over it to leave the aisle and it bothered me how avoidant I've become. I mean, I have avoidant personality disorder, quite obviously, but I've always had the pure basic essence of what makes us all humans; a basic connectedness or something.

This leads quite neatly to something that happened today. I was watching a documentary about China on TV. It was a school. The students were about nine. The woman in charge of the class wrote about that particular lesson, 'learn to love your eraser'. Then she said she would find the worst eraser in the whole class and checked everybodie's, and found some boy who had written over his. So she humiliated him in public and made him apologise to his classmates, kept going on and ridiculing him until he was in tears.

I was very mindful of the way it affected me. It has kind of affected me all day. I've felt a mixture of anger, despondency and hopelessness. I kept thinking back to how this kind of thing happened to me weekly when I was a kid. I felt a kind of pride that I haven't come to anything and spent so much of Britians' resources overseas, never voted, never took part in society. This is the way my consciousness has gone. But sometimes when I think back to it, my schooldays, and remember being around the unprincipled, violent and aggressive people who were in charge of me there's a feeling of overwhelming powerlessness and I know deep down it damaged me to the point of me having been broken in some way that can never really be fixed. Everything I might have become at one point was taken away from me and in an evil way that was sanctioned by society.

Oh, to change the subject, did I say about November the fifth this year? I have a feeling I did actually. Yes, I did. Anyway, I was in Sihanoukville, in a restaurant called Holy Cow, and America's first black president won the election.

A note I made from a long, long time ago, from my last day in hong kong. I was hurrying with all my heavy stuff before the scanning, and I went past Kowloon Park and say a huge, gnarled tree. It both made me think of the one in Kings Park in Perth where I photographed Junko, as well as the countless ones I've seen in Chinese paintings. I felt a kind of yearning. Yearning for J... and kind of yearning for a vague Orientalness that somehow isn't Englishness and lifts me away from whom I was and means something else exists which is nothing to do with it and I can somehow merge with it and not be me. I realised that people have a kind of essence, that vague something which is them in your mind when you think about them and they aren't there, but other things have that essence too, like cultures and ideas. If someone asks you if you like something that isn't actually before you you are judging its essence

Essence can be missed even though it's there; perhaps it's a link to something else? Oh, what am I talking about?

I think I also mentioned the sign at the top of Khao Sarn road; 'It's not where you go but who you meets'. I thought about that, and unless you add 'that ends up hurting you', it's not true. It's where you go!

Ah, another note I want to talk about... or did I? About going through all the scanning, and I scanned the room I was in in Puri when I first got sick, over a decade ago now. I did loads like that and suddenly the next one was Joanne, and even though I didn't like her and she not me, the contrast hit me, how alone I was then (and now). I mean, I knew I was alone, but I never really comprehended how much I needed not to be. Perhaps this is how it is when we leave our bodies forever? Our lives flash before us, but with new distance and perspectives of how things should have been?

These notes are really disjointed, though I would like to do them before 2009.

One I wrote about arriving in Saigon. I was really tired off the bus so just stayed in the first place I arrived at for one night. It was a standard mid-range room. Tad out of my budget but a little nicer than I usually have, with TV, fridge, space to swing a cat etc. and I had this high where I had arrived to a place carrying all I own and it's so little, and the room is nice and just thought to myself that this is as good as it gets. I don't want any more from life than to be in that place with what I have.

Next note, about going back to cafe de Amis. I was behind with my work so did some OU study and had a moment of clarity, that the last time I was sitting there I was studying for university entrance and only looking into the OU, now I was back and well on the way. That was a good feeling.

I had a strange day on Saturday 7th December. I couldn't stop meeting people. First, the man in Amis remembered me and came and said hello. Then I bumped into the woman in Truch Linh who remembered me, then a Russian woman stopped to ask directions in the street, to somewhere I actually knew and could help with sign language, and lastly in the evening spoke to a Swiss-French speaker over dinner. I checked and realised that in astrology, transiting Venus was exactly over Pluto and the natal moon.

Something I realised about Saigon. When I was first there, my visit was cut short because my visa expired and I wanted to stay, and had really looked forward to going back. When I did so I got tired. So the first time I didn't have time to get tired of it. Perhaps it would be the same seeing J again?

Last note, for now, is about how I suddenly realised that I"m far too aware of what goes on around me. I notice everyone and everything and am often freaking people out when I accidentally keep catching their eye. I decided to stop. That's how it is in the Zen temple when I went, they teach you to keep eyes down, especially over dinner, unless you have some reason to look around, You should have attention mostly inwards. I resolved to do this... but then wondered if it was too avoidant, if I do this I would start to lose whatever little thread it is left that still attaches me to the people around me?

Ugh, I don't know. I'm going to brush my teeth and lie down on this wet mattress and try and sleep.

Lovely to speak to you again dear dairy.

Date: 31st December 2008

Hoa Thien Hotel, 09 Nguyen Cong Tru Street,

Hue City.

Central Vietnam. About 11.15pm

Aren't these special days always a let down because of the expectation?

I have to update fairly quickly, as I was to do my usual practice now of doing New Year Magic, starting a new practice and listening to Gill Fronsdal.

I left that place. I sat in the Salmon Pink Same Same cafe then went on the web to see if the hotel in Hue had answered me to say they would pick me up. They hadn't. I got on the bus and it was really pleasant, going through the country. We passed the ocean and there were all these little round bamboo boats on the ocean. I remember on the way up at night how each one had a neon strip over them and they lit up the ocean with these little orbs of light.

Anyway, we arrived and no one was waiting for me, so I just left and found the wifi hotel, but it was damp and the woman wanted more than I expected so I stayed next door, where I am now, which advertises wifi but doesn't have it. But, the bed it dry and that's the important thing now.

I looked at two places across the road today but they weren't as good and one got aggressive when I didn't check in.

I went shopping and found a new supermarket, which was a lovely surprise. Two young women were there and asked to have a picture taken with me, which is always good for my ego, but then at checkout I was elbowed out of the way by a another young woman who just decided she wanted to be served first and pulled me out of the way. I let it go, because I think a lot of them have only ever shopped in little places where that's how you act, so they don't know any better.

After I went to KFC, and it was a lovely hour of warm civilisation. A dry place with bright lights turned on, heaven.

Then I came home and rested, then went out for a pasta arribiata in a place getting ready for a party with a guy who wouldn't stop messing about testing his mike.

Then I came home and here I sit.

Last night I was getting ready for my end of year review and plan of the next, Dharma Willing. Last year I was sitting looking at the stars in that little hut in Chiang Saen heading to Jinghong, with the plan to go back and get in gear. It seems so long ago and I made a list of my achievements for this year. It really is a hell of a lot actually.

Recap - Achievements of 2008

• Took the Zen Precepts at Buddhist Abbey

• Stopped smoking

• Made it to the UK and back

• Saw dentist for the first time in over a decade

• Started university

• Completed course DD121

• Enrolled and started course DD122

• Enrolled course M150

• Obtained second year university funding

• Learnt to use Linux

• Saw new places

  • Sihanoukville

  • Hoi An

• Archived all photos and slides

• Sent love box back to J

• Changed my name

  • Got new ID's

• Disposed of most possessions

• Got a new passport

• Joined the student union

Wow. A lot. More than I will most years as I went back to do it all.

Then I wrote up my plan for this year.

2009 Objectives

• Dentist

• Whitening/clean

• Stop nicotine

• See new places

• Japan

• Korea

• Pai

• Further the J resolution

• Obtain year three university funding

• Start level two psychology course

• Start level two English course

• Obtain phone/console

• Obtain new camera

• Obtain study books

• Formerly practice meditation somewhere

• Wholly finish the archiving

• Finish DD122

• Obtain Soc. Sci undergrad cert

• Finish M150

• Finish Strawberries

• Finish The Magic Buddha

• Routine

Yep. So that's about it then.

I'm sitting here in a winowless room alone... but I think it's better than last year. I'm warmer and dryer, I have a TV should I want it. My scanning and possessions are sorted out, as is my new name, a moving on I've wanted to do for a long time. As usual, I spent the year alone, but it's OK as that's what I do, but I did accomplish a lot. I'm grateful for many things, and feel good overall.

With that, I stall ready my candle, prayer and magic, bow to the shrine, go and look at the stars and come back to start the year listening to a dharma talk and meditating. May all beings be happy, and roll on 2009

Dream Retrospective

Again in retrospective as I have so much less time for the dear diary now. I'll try harder in 2009.

Tuesday 22nd April 2008

I was examining my teeth and descaling them.

Interpretation

Must keep looking into seeing someone about this.

Retrospective: been to the dentist now, and fully descaled. AOK.

Monday 28th April 2008

I way in Hong Kong staying with Jackie in Budget Hostel, Mongkok. I wanted to pay rent but he kept trying to increase the price.

Then I was in another hostel in the same building. The owner had a child with a doll of a monkey called Charlie.

Interpretation

Maybe better to stay longer in the second hostel I booked ?

? Sunday, some time in May.

I was entering Hong Kong. Someone told me that it wouldn't be cheap for many years.

Then I was in a doctors office, possibly a psychiatrist/psychologist. In his office, there were doors on the wall. Some of them opened to a brick wall and led nowhere.

I was in a hut with dog excrement on the shelf.

Interpretation

Some psychological paths of growth possibly aren't growth at all.

The hut could mean my solitary life of travel, and that some paths will lead to a continuation of that, and that this isn't best for me.

Another way of looking at it. Hong Kong not always being cheap indicating I will need an income at some point. The psychology aspect represents my current study, though not all courses I might do can lead to a career. The hut full of dog excrement can mean being alone, or not having had sincere friends in life.

? Tuesday, Late may 2008

I was teaching in a school of quite young students. I was at the entrance to a lift and I spoke to my mother on an intercom. I got in a lift and went up. I got out and walked down a hall and into a room that was a bit like a hotel room and couldn't find M., but then I looked and saw her on the bed. I was really happy to see her and physically affectionate.

Then the same room had somehow changed to a classroom for younger children – whom i was in charge of teaching. There was a group of school inspectors there. I was explaining to them how i feel comfortable teaching the children – and cited the various benefits of this.

Interpretation

It could be saying that my current studies will have various benefits. i think also it could be saying that, even though my own upbringing was pretty messed up, that doesn't mean that i can't overcome it and be a good parent myself, whether to my own children or just children generally.

Or possibly it could mean, and perhaps more likely, that it's possible for me to become more at peace with my own childhood.

Saturday 15^th June 2008

I was in a hotel room. A arrived outside and told me there was a letter from Junko telling me that it was to be her last letter and that she was with someone else. I knew that A was reading my private stuff and ran outside to take it off her.

The letter was from India and started with a summery of her news. There was nothing about never writing again or being with someone else, though I had the intuitive feeling that she was with someone called Tom. I felt really happy for her and thought 'You go girl!', -- because she was out there living her life.

Then I stepped outside and was in Vietnam. Somehow i think Junko was linked to this place. I took my temperature. It came out as normal but i broke the thermometer while taking it. There were three transsexual Vietnamese prostitutes, middle-aged and unattractive, flirting with me but I waved them away, disinterested.

Interpretation

Perhaps some of my interest in J was interest in my own anima, and as I'm now slightly more integrated, this has lost some of it's power.

The first part is how A. was domineering and deep-down didn't want me to find someone.

The older prostitutes part perhaps means coming to terms with my age and the simple fact that I didn't find anyone.

Monday 16th June 2008

I was some place in a kind of town, but I was looking over into an adjoining town, where I had some kind of link. I went over to the town. I had some kind of set up and was electronically recording something. When I checked the set up it was unexpectedly recording. I watched the tape reels going round and felt quite pleased with myself.

Then I was in a car on the road with Carly We were going out to buy a car, should I want one. She didn't know if I wanted one, but this way, if I did, it would be there for me.

Interpretation

The recording is my current work or cataloging my last possessions and getting rid of them, saying that I'm on the right track and to continue.

The second part suggests that Carly is there to help me should I ever need it.

Alternatively, the tape part could just mean the way I obsessively record my life.

19th May 2008

I was speaking to a Chinese woman. I was telling her how good China was and she was showing me a shoe and jokingly apologizing that it was to be exported the the USA.

Interpretation

Fragment.

Junish time 08, Thailand

I was in a Thai hotel. I cut off my penis and chopped it into small pieces. I put it in a bag for a while, then tried to reattach it by just pushing it on. In the dream, I had done this previously and was fairly confident it would work out. When it didn't work, I started thinking about going to a hospital but didn't know how I'd explain being in this position. I ended up using some super glue and it was OK.

I went outside and looked into the sky and realized I could see a satellite. I was shocked, then realized that I was in, and part of, some kind of space museum. It was some kind of inflatable satellite that wasn't really millions of miles up but now the whole thing was kind of believable. I spoke to Junko somehow. She told me she was with someone but said it in a really friendly way. I told her that I knew this would be the case.

A while later I contacted her again to offer my congratulations.

I said hello to the [can't read as my pad got wet] lady who was living [can't read].

Interpretation

The penis is celibacy after knowing J. High satellite is idolizing J and coming down to earth now she's with someone.

(Saw UNEP on TV after writing this down.)

Saturday ?14th June 2008

I was on a plane over Thailand that started nosediving. I thought we might die so started chanting the Buddha's name and said goodbye to the person next to me. But then the pilot regained control and we were OK.

Interpretation

Reminds me of a dream in Kathmandu... was it just before or just after major trouble?

It seems generally positive.

Monday 6th July 2008

I was at a school reunion and met Dawn, Simon's last girlfriend when I last saw him. She told me she was still with him.

Interpretation

?Reintegrating with self before travel, i.e. reintegrating the person I am now with the person I was before 1993.

?20 July 2008

Chiang Mai, Thailand

I was giving someone directions to the post office. I explained that they'd have to go across a park, and explained that the tourist board were at the end when they got there (and was impressed that I knew that for some reason).

Then I was there myself with an Asian girlfriend. She asked at the counter about sending a parcel and was told to wait for S.T.A.R.K. It was over an hour and she got impatient/worried they weren't coming – but I had been there before and knew that they would come in their own good time.

Interpretation

Don't know.

Tuesday 21 July 2008

I was in a bus station trying to get somewhere but wasn't sure where. Darren was there and got on a bus to the town centre but then I realized that's were I was going. It drove off so I ran after it but then I couldn't get the driver to open the door so it had left without me.

Then somehow I was in a different bus going along a coast. I had my computer and some work. An examiner came and looked at my work, which somehow involved a sandwich which she was really impressed with. She helped me with the work. On the screen, every time I entered a code, a monster would appear in an ocean in a place that depended on what I had entered. She was explaining where it's supposed to appear and how to do it.

Then I was in a pub waiting for a lady friend who was much younger than me. She passed with her friends and came in alone. We sat there for a while and I drank alcohol. I felt a little drunk and regretted it. I had to go and get something from a shop. I walked for mile and back and then realized that I could have just got it next door. I asked the girl if she wouldn't have rather stayed with her friends her own age and she said that she would in a way. I opened my computer and it had been pulled apart, all the keys were loose and the screen unattached etc. I asked who did it but no one knew anything about it.

I walked up the street and felt profound regret because I really needed that computer.

Interpretation

Darren's life diverged from my own.

The monsters, and controling them, could be my secret work of shinning the light of awareness on the monsters within.

Not sure about the girl. Perhaps I should have devoted less of my consciousness to romantic regret and more on my real work.

16th August 2008

I was playing crazy golf at night.

There was the feeling that the dream related to alcohol... (on waking)

Interpretation

Fragment.

27th August 2008

Thailand

I as watching a film in a London cinema but fell asleep. The woman told me I could lay downstairs where there was a bed, but not there. I went down and there was like a dormitory for the homeless, and after a bit of faffing about, I was given the last bed. Then I went down to the docks and took a boat out to a new-agey type farm. It was very much like a place I went on a school holiday once, except now it was being run by my photography teacher and his wife from college. I looked at some very ornate jars, but his wife came over and explained in a stern voice that they were essential oils and it was very, very important I not touch hem.

Then it was another day in the same place, or later perhaps. I looked at the shop they had and noticed some flip flops for sale. I looked at one of the jars, it had rosemary in and I opened it, but was horrified when I couldn't get the top back on. I prayed to be able to do so but just couldn't.

Then I was back in London, but really unhappy. My flip flops broke and I was barefoot. I left on my own boat which was controlled by a kind of computer game. I set it to an experimental turbo mode, it was very difficult to use it until I realized how to have the vision looking forward rather than to the side.

When I arrived at the destination it was night and I was now transporting a group. I noticed my flip flops were still broke and decided to buy some when I saw some. The group had gone ahead and I went after them and was shocked that I was back at the farm, though they were off on a bridge to the right of it. I went there and they had left and gone down to the right, so I went after them. I crossed a road and there was a woman haggling with a driver. I stood there to find out where she was going as then I knew where I was supposed to be going also, but I didn't want the drivers to think I wanted a lift. It turned out she, and everyone, was going to the Chinese border. The driver asked if I wanted to be driven and I said I'd walk. He agreed it was possible, and said I could carry on to Osaka.

Interpretation

Being unhappy in England, I was doing the photography class just before I left.

As I recall, rosemary is a magickal herb to attract love, so I think the top coming off is my obsession, i.e. the desire getting out of hand.

Once the obsession started to end I it was easier to progress in some way, looking forward.

I was horrified to be back where I started, i.e. to stop idealizing J. But then I'd decided to do something about it by going to Osaka.

Dream: one Friday in October 2008

I was looking at a scene in the UK where my dad was lost in a carpark, looking in vein for his car.

I was in a street in Asia.

I was in a kind of fast food restaurant. There was something on the floor that was somehow a representation of myself, and my senses had, 'sense collecting data' in them, and I understood that this meant that I was learning about things at the moment and getting ready for things rather than doing them.

4th October 2008

I was in a computer room in Gold Regency hotel in New Delhi, planning to have a drink and then recalling that I'm teetotal and deciding not to.

I went into a dormitory in the back and there were four women there. They might have been trying to flirt or something but I wasn't interested. Some guys came in and settled into their beds and so the women were forced to move. I heard the guy's talking and imply that the women were squatting. I started to think that the whole thing was funny. I went and spoke to the girls and they insisted that they had paid to be there, though one of them had just checked in after going bankrupt.

Date: Saturday 25th October 2008

I was in a public toilet urinating next to a Japanese guy. The tiled surface of the wall urinal was uneven, no matter what I did I sprayed, mostly myself but also the guy next to me. But he was doing the same.

After we had finished he apologised to me and I said it's OK as I was doing the same, so we both laughed about it and hugged each other.

Interpretation

One of the things I've been doing to try and heal my obsession with Junko is to try and get angry. To consider the fact that I was never her choice, that she wrote to me in Sydney to tell me I'd have to sleep on the floor.

But I think this counsels me against it, and says we were two people recently wounded in love, and what happened wasn't really intentional from either direction, and to see it in this correct way.

November 08 Somewhere around Cambodia

I had an obe but flew out to somewhere other than my hotel room. There was a red Chinese shrine and I drifted towards it

?19 December 2008

Nha Trang

A was in bed and had wet herself

I was walking along a sunny road with lots of other people, I was kicking a ball and it was something to do with 'culture' (the ball I mean).

December 2008

Vietnam

I was in some kind of a photo developing section of a travelers hosteler gave a film to be developed, which was colour swatches, like a chart of possible colours, but when she gave them to me they had all come back back with a black misaligned shape across them, like a cowboy or something

Then it was night. I was the developer in a bar with her boyfriend. They were wary of me, thinking I had come for revenge, but I wasn't and didn't want to upset them, so I left.

Interpretation

The colour swatch is meeting Junko when it was all potential... and I was all potential, and the black misaligned part is it not working out.

Now I'm on the way to look for her, and this is a likely possibility, not being interested to see me and me leaving without wanting any trouble, but just being compulsed to try somehow.