Dharma Willing Journey: Returning to Hong Kong

Date: 8th February 2008
Jinghong, China 3.46pm lt.

Dream

I was on a light aircraft with some people and we were all going to America. I'm not sure of the exact setting, but basically, somehow we would switch planes after a while, to a much bigger plane. The pilot explained that there was a brief period of danger just after takeoff, but then we would be OK.

We took off and were scared for a while while we went through this risky period, but then it passed and we were OK.

Interpretation

I have to go the UK for practical reasons, to make changes and do things to progress with the lifeplan I've come up with. It's a challenge to get there and back without it being too hard or to get caught up in negative things, and the dream seems to say that I can get through it.

First dream of the year, and it seems pretty positive. Good.

Date: 12th February 2008
Jinghong, China, 3.24pm. lt.

One of those days.

I had moved into the new place for New Year. Up to 200 from 60. I found out there are two English channels on TV and so at least I've been entertained at night. Yesterday I went asking around and found similar rooms were going for 90. So I came down today to leave and they changed the price to 60. OK, so all the extra expense is over... but I was so hot last night. There's an aircon unit, but it's not included and so I don't get the remote.

I bought a ticket up to Dali on the 15th. Not sure exactly what's going to happen... but it at least works out visa-wise as it gives me a day or two to settle in, and then make it over to the police for the visa extension (the rather than a as they're only giving out one extension now).

I went out today after carrying my bags back up. Mekong restaurant, the only place I go to was closed for the day; no explanation. So I came and typed for an hour. Then I went out and the toilet was locked. I walked up to Mei Mei's, where I've never been before, but it was full, so I went home and went there. Then I went out to an expensive coffeeshop. I pointed to what I wanted, eggplant, but the Chinese was above the English, so I couldn't eat the actual beef that came. All this for ten US dollars, a soda. Then I came here to the cybercafe and they have no log in cafes. I went to another place and the guy was unpleasant and I couldn't log in. Then I came back here, finally got a card, and here I sit, tired and hot.

The plan's getting me down though. There's so much to do, the oracle is saying that I won't have time to do it. There's nowhere to stay at length in UK. I think, stay at A's... but the thought of being there, with every possession I have in the world, ripped up or spoiled and nothing I can do. Just the memories. And she'd be there and say, 'this is your home'... when the room is bare and no trace that I ever existed and the cupboards filled with my 'brother's' stuff and nothing of mine.

But I have to go back for the gold and J's box. I want a different name. I want to try the OU. I might be able to go to Jukai. I did think I could get a little tent and just wait out for a while... but the camping is fifteen quid, and what would I do all day. I couldn't go to Europe while I'm waiting for my new passport. I'll have a new name, and it's risky buying tickets in a name I don't have yet.

I don't want to go; that's what it is. I have to be focused I suppose though. After this, I have nothing, like I never existed, there's nothing to tie me there and everything I own I can carry in one bag. There's going to be a freedom in this. Just this one last trip.

Daily for the last three days I've tried to Skype back to A's. But each time there was no reply. I don't know what that means. She made a big deal that she has a new routine, but then again she did also say that she's always there. If anything happened then I won't get a reply because I'm out of range for my Thai sim... so I suppose, I don't know. Other than phone Carly or the hospital. But I have never spoken to Carly. There's no voip sim here, I'd have to go via Skype, and the hospital put down the phone on me.

I have thought, I could just fly in, pay to get my passport in a week and do Jukai, then straight out. But what about changing my bank cards, receiving the OU stuff, the gold? There's just no way out of it. Plus, I don't know what name I want. Funnily enough, as I was dealing with the old diaries recently, I saw something I wrote when I was sixteen about how I'd decided on a new name, i.e. the name I currently have, and it was so arbitrary. Perhaps I should just choose anything. Just make some move.

I don't know. I don't know what the plan is. I don't know. All so vague and unsure. But I still have my mindfulness. Still happy and grateful overall.

Date:Sunday 17th February 2008
Dali, China lt 5.40pm

I left there. Jinghong is good, but it was time. I realise that I'm a very unforgiving person sometimes. There are three restaurants that foreigners go to around the main area, and I ended up not going to any of them. One closed because they felt like it, so I never went again, even though I'd gone daily. Another bought the wrong dish, though never charged me for it. And one was the place that arranged my ticket for me, and were friendly to me, and so I had to never go back again because I avoid any situation which might result in a conversation.

Weirdo.

Anyway, I checked out the place I was living at. They were really nice. They didn't speak a word of English, but we could just communicate without language. I got free food with them; it was nice.

The woman came with me and checked that I got a taxi OK. It was about half an hour to the airport. The flight was uneventful. I listened to Gill, very good to have him back, it turned out that he was away to have his tonsils out. So, that was good.

I arrived and had booked Three Pagodas Youth Hostel, but they don't have the address online, and so I had to just write it in English. I came down off the plane and it was sunny, but cold too. Bearable though, and I'd worried about snow.

The driver set off with me, he was really nice and gave me smokes. He got someone on the mobile. She translated where I was going, but then he took me to her place, which turned out to be a hotel. I stuck to my guns but had to pay more as it was two kilometers out the city.

There, they had no record of my booking. The place itself was nice and they have a nice garden, but there's no hot water and it's very poor value.

I came to Dali to get an extension, so I set off for that on Saturday, but it was closed and I was told to go back on Monday. Since then I've realised there's not so much here. There aren't really any internet places, and so it's not suitable for my purposes, and so I'm moving tomorrow, going to the police, and hopefully flying out on the 19th. I walked into a 'one purpose everything' type place,in desperation, but ended up getting it all sorted. He got me the hotel I was looking for at sixty, much nicer, and the ticket for twenty cheaper than the YH. That hostel really isn't good, come to think of it.

Still no communication. Skype doesn't work here until after six pm, no idea why. The friendly kid downstairs said it was because of government regulations. I can't even get any mp3's downloaded.

One good thing that came of it was that realised that it isn't going to be best to come back to China when I return. I'll have a load of scanning to do plus will be working out the computer and trying to make a good start on my studies if I can get on them,and it's just insane. I can't even make a phone call here; the cybercafes rarely work, and when they do,they often run out of membership cards, which means you can't use it.

Oh, on Valentines day, Throssel wrote back with a form for me to fill in. I'm really bothered; I just don't want to go. Plus of course, I have to find a place to be able to fax from... and that is certainly a lot easier said than done in China.

So... I'm kind of just sitting here waiting for this ticket to be delivered. I only have... less than a week until I'll have to book my UK ticket. I've sent out quite a few emails trying to get things sorted out.

Today, venus squares my conjunct moon and pluto, and things have got quite a bit better, i.e. I found a flight, found a better hotel, met some friendly kid and had a laugh with him (his English sounds more English than mine, was basically the joke). Tomorrow, I just check out, go to the bank, come here and pay for the taxi, go to the police and get an extension, back to the new hotel and finally shower and change, and then just relax for the last night. I'll be good to finally be away from here; it's nice but far too cold and I'm looking forward to moving to be honest, though I don't know why Kunming will be any better.

I just want to be warm, at the moment.

Oh, I found a bagette also.

Yipee!!

Date: 19th February 2008
Camelia Hotel, Kunming, China. 8.30lt

Yes, the ticket was delivered. Everything was good then. The kid was a really cheeky chappy who thought it was funny because my accent isn't English (which I took as a compliment).

I don't recall what I did that night. I do recall that I felt intense sympathy for the dog outside Three Pagodas Youth Hostel. It's an old, big alsation. It's on a lead of about a metre, well, it's a chain. It only ever had a bowl of plain rice, never any water. It's never let loose. It just lies there looking sad. The hostel is at the end of the lane in the middle of nowhere, and so there's not even any changing scenery. I fell asleep doing metta practice for it.

Next day I checked out and it went mad. I walked to Yu Yuan Hotel and checked in. It was really cold. I left and went straight to the bus, to go to the main city for the police station, and my extension. The police station is on the outskirts of town. I'd been the previous Saturday (I think I mentioned) and it wasn't open until the following Monday, so I'd waited.

The bus was too full for me to get off, so I went miles past my stop, then bussed back and still had to walk a kilometer in the cold wind. All my lips are chapped. I'm not sure why, perhaps it was a subconscious gratefulness practice, but I recalled walking to school. How it used to be cold then, and I felt intense gratitude that I'm not there now and never have to go again.

I went up the millions of steps, and a friendly guy told me that they were closed until 2.30. It was only 11.30, three hours, so I tried to get the bus into the new city, but they wouldn't stop. I bussed back to Old Dali and ate, then came straight back after using the Internet for an hour.

Again I went past, but walked up and this time, the third time I'd been there, it was actually open. The woman was friendly and efficient and did it in twenty minutes, though contrary to the advice I'd gotten off the message boards, it was a full page sticker rather than a little stamp, though she agreed to stick it over a used page. I tried to get her to do it over the black mark I have for the overstay in India years ago, but there was also a stamp from last year, so she wouldn't do it and ended up covering my Egyptian visa... but at least I have it.

I went back to Yu Yuan and realised it was freezing. There was hot water though, so I showered, then went out to use the Internet. I tried for a second time where a woman just shook her head when I entered. There happened to be a bilingual woman so she asked for me. It turns out, there were loads of computers upstairs, she just hadn't wanted to deal with me. She insisted on a deposit of 30. I went up and was paranoid I'd get ripped off like last time, and so I left without logging on.

I went back to use the free internet at the hotel, but I couldn't get a connection.

So I popped back in the restaurant, and they let me use it for free. I got a load of tips about Kunming, and he helped me make a booking on YiYa Hotel/Inn.

Next day I woke, froze, got ready. I went out and the taxi was late, I had to phone twice, but then an unmarked car came and took me to the airport. I flew without incident. On the bus to the airport building there were some older Japanese travellers. I spent the time staring at their teeth, that's something I think about now; I really must arrange a dentist. I always imagine that everything about the Japanese is perfect... but it isn't I suppose.

I got my bag and went out. The taxi refused to take me to the address I had written. Then they said fifty. I said that's double, then a woman driver misheard and thought I was saying I'd pay double, and wouldn't leave me alone.

I ended up on the bus. It dropped me off and I did orientate myself. I found the building, eventually. Reception directed me up, but it was an unoccupied room, so I went down and they came and got me. I went up and they had no record of my booking. It was actually just an office on the fourteenth floor of a skyscraper. I saw the sign that said 'YiYa Apartment Booking Reception', and realised that it wasn't actually a hotel. So I walked out and had no where to go.

I came back and asked at City Cafe and it was closed. I ended up at Camila, but freezing cold for twenty dollars. I went out and looked for two restaurants, found the street but they were closed. I walked back and tried a place near Camila. It was busy and I got told off for sitting at a reserved table, even though there was no sign. I went back to City Cafe. It was dreary, but I'm well fed.

Then I came here, to Camila's six Yuan a minute hotel. Upstairs, my expensive room is decked in grey and white and doesn't have a proper light. I don't know any way to use the Internet or contact A. I only have a podcast or two and no way to download any more. The tv doesn't work. It's just an evening of sitting in a cold room. I'll see about moving on tomorrow, I don't know if it gets any warmer down the next place.

Not a great time at the moment, and of course, there's so much to work out... and I just can't connect to anything to do it.

But it might all be worth it to know that it's unworkable to be in China when I start study. That is useful info.

Off to iceland with me then.

Date: 21st February 2008
Camellia Hotel, Kunming, China 14.35pmlt

Funny how things work out. I'm sitting here downloading podcasts, about to leave.

I sat up in the room, but got the TV working and there was NewsAsia to watch. Next day I felt a bit overwhelmed; I didn't want to be there. I had to keep psyching myself up, then went down to ask about a ticket, to Nanning, Guiling or Guangzhou. There are two agencies. I asked the one inside, and she said I could only get it at the station. Then I went back to the room, repsyched myself, and then went to the other agency outside. He had all the trains up on the wall, but said that it would be booked for at least five days. Back to the room. Repsyched myself and the plan was, pop in city cafe and ask them to write down the Chinese I need to buy a ticket, ask at the airline office on the way to the station, then go and try my luck. But it turns out that City Cafe can indeed do a ticket. I paid fifty commission for the privilege, but I have it. I wrote down my preferences, places and days, and the deal was that basically she just did her best.

In the evening I went back and it is a ticket to Guilin today, arrive tomorrow after midday. I've booked Flowers, so I'm back there. Then, I thought, perhaps this has worked out best as I could go back to Yangshou, where I know how things work, and have a few days there, and then move on. I can just concentrate on using the computer at a reasonable cost, and sorting the plan out.

Also, I sent a fax to Throssel, from here. Cost about four US, but I mentioned about the snoring and that I'm changing my name. I returned their form, which asked if I can bring bedding etc. so it sounds really busy.

Don't know what else. It's going to be weird going back. I think perhaps I'll just walk in at Minority Cafe... but I recall his room made me sick. But it's pretty cool, perhaps if I just have it for four days, work on the plan and recharge my batteries.

Don't know what this train is going to be like. Check out was at two pm, and I've been yearning for J all day. I notice these thoughts come when I'm facing uncertainty, and I try and think, so what? Yes, the memories are golden and bright and like I was someone else, and they always come back when I'm unhappy. Hello thoughts! There you are again! Please go in the background as I'm busy and need to get on.

Right, I'm off to sit somewhere, until I have to walk to my train. Hopefully I can eat somewhere.

Date: 23rd February 2008
Yangshou, China. 07.29pmlt JUNKO'S BIRTHDAY

It's funny how things work out isn't it?

So there I sat typing and feeling down. But when you start a journey you're putting yourself into the unknown and just see what will happen, either way.

I left the cybercafe and hadsent the fax to Throssel. Later I saw that their fax machine had printed the Throssel name on the receipt, so it definitely went. I was going to go on and eat at City Cafe... though it's such a dreary cafe, I thought I'd just try the one at Camellia. The lady wasn't sure if food was possible, but I could have a coffee. I sat down and it was where the free breakfast had been served. It was really nice. As it turned out they did bring me a pizza, absolutely loaded with cheddar. While I sat there eating, a woman came and threw her coat over a chair and sat and played piano. I still felt really sentimental for J. Though I know that's just the way I feel when I'm facing uncertainlty or unhappiness. That isn't just me; everyone harks back in their mind to happier days when things aren't great. So what (though it can be intense).

I noticed that one of the songs was 'Oh My Love' by John Lennon, and I kind of realised sitting there, that it's my favourite song ever; I just downloaded it now.

So I sat until it was time to leave, though I was loathe to do so while the music was still playing. I popped in City Cafe to check I was supposed to be at the main station, and then set off at the for the three kilometers it would take me to get there.

I kept passing this foreigner on the way down. I stopped to rest three times. It was a nice stroll and I realised how much I was enjoying it. One time I stopped to rest under a bridge and there was on old guy staring at me, nicely though, wearing a Mao suit. It was late afternoon with winter or early spring sun over the flowerbeds, and I imagined being that old. I specifically imagined being that old and it never having really worked out. Nothing published, my work unknown, having never really met any close friend, never having seen J, and although it's not great, it's not that bad either; I mean I can live with that thought. That time in Vietnam, there was a real surrender in me. A kind of complete handing my life over to the thought that there's something that, you know, I can't really say. Well, I can, that there's something that has a higher purpose for me... though I don't like saying that as a Buddhist.

But I also realised that I have this sense of regret sometimes. It's like there's an unwritten rule that there are so many experiences to have in life and you have to go and have them or you've failed in some way. But it's false, it's wrong view. You only have the present moment, so really, no one should have regrets.

Anyway, I went on and got to the station. I was a bit early, so I went to the supermarket and got a few bits. Then I went up and found the train. It was really civilised. I was in with two businessmen, who confirmed I was in the right seat. I have no shoes, of course, and had been wearing Chelsea football socks with flippies, and I only realised than how much they smelt... and it was hot too, but I had to carry on anyway because I wanted the train to start moving so that I could go to the toilet.

A foreigner came and sat with us, he was in the aisle. He started chatting. He was young, French and very friendly. He also spoke Chinese, so we actually had a four-way conversation. The train started moving. Then a Chinese woman came. She turned round to see who I was and said she was shocked because she wanted to see who it was who could speak so fluently to the foreigner, having thought I was Chinese. An attendant came and said in Chinese that there were more foreigners up the front, a Hungarian woman and a German man, so they were invited down, so there were about eight of us. The Hungarian woman was only going to Nanning and then onto Hainan. The German stayed for about an hour. He was the one I had passed on the way to the station. But we talked for about six hours, mostly me, the Chinese woman and the French guy. For some reason, I was the centre of it all; I'm not sure why. I made some joke early on and everyone really laughed and maybe that broke the ice, or perhaps it's because I was the only English speaker? I'm not sure. The woman was about twenty. She asked me if it was OK to touch English people as her teacher said they were very reserved. But she didn't say about her teacher, only she thought she wasn't allowed to touch. So I asked, 'Who told you that?' and again, everyone laughed, though I wasn't sure of the joke. I think perhaps I was supposed to deny it outright, so my response came across as funny (though in line with my avoidance). But anyway, the point I'm making is that, it was certainly an unusual situation, with myself as the centre of attention.

The French guy was from Djoin where they make the mustard. He said it's a small place but as he's travelled he's realised what's good about it and has come to really like it. He never met his father, though his mother has written to him but the father's not interested. The father is Italian. He was brought up by his mother and her new partner, a butcher, but the step father had his own children and so was never so keen on taking on someone elses. I got the impression that he was really close to his grandmother. He mentioned her quite a few times, and how he missed her food.

The Chinese girl was from Kunming, but studying in Guilin. Apparently it's common for students to have to study far away from their hometown, even when their hometown is a big city, they might have to study somewhere much smaller because 'that's just the way things are'. Her father was a driver, of various vehicles, and mother had some kind of job in what sounded like a battery chicken farm.

The girl went and the guy wanted to keep talking. He was interested in Buddhism but I did a really bad job of trying to explain it. I think he really liked company. No, he really did like company. He had an Japanese ex-girlfriend, so we talked about Japan for a long time. I got a lot of budget tips, so this really is becoming part of my plan now.

He's studying international business. He left home to see Japan when he was only eighteen and came to China and had some kind of placement in the middle of nowhere and was sleeping on a hard wooden bench with no heating while it snowed, but then things got better for him.

Eventually, he cottoned on that I was tired so excused himself, though I got the feeling he would have been happy all night.

I went down the corridor and ate, then got trapped as the doors were locked while the train was in the station, but eventually I got back to bed and worried about snoring.

In the morning I had one can of coffee, but that was all I'd taken, so I had to just 'rough' it. I went to my berth after ages looking out the window, and the boy and the girl soon came. They weren't together; we'd all met on the train.

Anyway, the conversation carried on. The train was delayed by two hours. She went back to the berth and got a cross stitch, which made me feel funny watching her do it (J's hobby also). We talked more, mostly about China.

Eventually we got there and I got off. The girl just disappeared (after all that time). The German guy came and wanted to go onto Yangshou, so I poined out the buses. The French guy had booked at Back Street Youth Hostel, but decided to come with me to Flowers.

We went in and all the staff were different. But after a while the girl who ruined my laundry came in. She's really changed, no constant giggling now but an air of competence (relative to the other stupidity previously displayed in that place, and constant disorganisation). Anyway, she wanted cash in advance, so I'd have to go to the atm. The guy also needed cash, so we went off looking. I got cash, but his was declined and there was a panic. He told me all the problems he's had with his French bank, though he's had no problem with a hsbc Hong Kong account, so I think I might do that too when I've changed my name and get back.

I went back to the hostel to shower, and he was also in there. It was funny as every time I turned on hot water then he didn't have any, so we kind of had to sinch ourselves.

I went and sat on the patio. He joined me. I had mentioned that I was going out alone but he looked a bit lost, so we went out to eat together. We went first to a Chinese place where he wasn't sure how it worked, but spoke Chinese and we ended up with food. Very nice. He had eaten half his food and asked if I was offended if he ate just a little bit of meat. I said of course no, why would he think that? So he had some. Then we went on up the main street after I realised I'd accidentally tried to pay with a fake bill I'd picked up from somewhere; I think the Youth Hostel.

We walked past the pagoda lake and he liked the pictures. A begging girl of about four wound herself around my leg and wouldn't let go. I got her off in the end, with a load of Chinese people standing round laughing. Then we walked up the pedestrianised street and had coffee in Amanz. We talked until late, then walked up to go round the shopping centre looking for somewhere else to eat. Then we came back to another cheap place and laughed at the menu, as it had horse, dog, snail and ''Chairman Mao soup", though not intentionally funny but really just a bad translation.

All of this was fifteen years to the day that I first left England. I kind of wanted to be alone to write here (I'm sorry dear diary (please don't feel neglected)), but then I thought no, it's good. I wouldn't have though on that day fifteen years ago that I'd be in Guilin having dinner with a French guy. There's living life and reflecting on life, and both things are important and you need a middle path. He mentioned his age and I realised that on that day fifteen years ago, he would have been in elementary school, just five years old. Ugh!

He wanted to go to a night club, but I was really tired. So we said goodnight and would see each other in the morning.

I had to walk all the way back. I think the woman in the shop nearby remembered me. Something must have been going on as she gave me the right price (though the mile turned out to be sour). I went home and the 'ex-giggling laundry wrecker' was there and said hello. I sat out with my sour milk and went to bed.

Next day I got up. They're really friendly there. I got them to write some Chinese down for me, then went to the station and bought the ticket. I met another girl there who wanted to chat for about ten minutes. She told me of how nervous she was speaking to me and I noticed her hands were trembling. It made me feel bad all the times I'd brushed people like that off.

I went back and the French guy wasn't up yet, and so I had to leave him a note. I signed my name Jay and gave out www.followyourstar.co.uk as the contact, so this is the first time I've given my name as Jay (officially) and I think the first time I'd given out the web address to someone I've met. And, of course, it was J's birthday.

I went out to the bus, after telling the staff I'd be back 29 Feb (as I think it's a leap year). So, I went on to the bus. I was intercepted by a guy passing himself off as the conductor. He came on the bus with me and kept pointing to a ticket and asking for twenty yuan. Luckily I knew how much it should cost and that the real conductor was outside. He got funny and started shouting at me. I knew it was a scam as he's pulled off a ticket and then wouldn't take it back. If someone gives you something you're supposed to pay for then leaves you holding it, that's the way a con works.

He left after a few minutes (empty-handed) and then I paid the real conductor; she wasn't in on it. We got here. As we entered Yangshou, a guy tried to make me get off (tout?) but I held my ground, and carried on the the carpark.

I went back to Minority and the staff were different. I sat down and eventually Yao came, he was so pleased and shook my hand. He make egg tomato rice and gave me the old room back for 40 Yuan. I was worried I'd be sick again like last time, but that started with sneezing. I did some washing in there and it was fine. It's a tad chilly at night, but much better than Kunming; it was right to come here. Though I could see my breath in the room.

I went out to the expensive restaurant, and the bill was ten American dollars, though I don't know if I was ripped off or what? Possibly. Possibly not.

I was planning to buy my ticket today, but it's so event filled. It's exactly twenty one days to the fifteenth, which is when I'd need to go, so Oasis needs to be booked kind of today, but I want to try A. again, and if not, I'll have to phone mother's partner to see what's going on. He'll be shocked, but I need to know, and perhaps book it tomorrow. I'll see. I'm off for now.

What a time eh?

Oh, very quickly. I went to Yangshou park today. I wanted to go on my birthday but it was too expensive. But now they've pulled the wall down and it's free, so I was there on J's birthday. I wrote her a letter on Camellia stationary to give my news and say hello. Very peaceful time there. I sent it today also. Wonder if she'll read it. I went on a bit of a downer after, but I'm allowed to on her birthday.

Date: 24th February 2008
Yangshou, China 11.12am.

I went out to Global Bar last night, and was still in a whistful mood when they started playing 'Happy Birthday' and bought a cake out. I.e. it was someone's birthday and they wanted it played by a live band. I laughed at the irony, and thought perhaps J. is listening to this.

Dream Retrospective, of 11.02.08

I was in a room helping a family make a display photo album of themselves. I think they were Muslims. They were all outside, but their little girl came in and ran out with my bag to show her family what I was doing, but I wasn't finished so I took it back. The girl ran off and I noticed that some condoms had fell out so I put them back in the bag. In this dream, my name was Joe.

I went outside and realised that I was in a church. I can't actually read the next part, but I think it says that I had the plan to make something for smokers, but they knew that they would be hated... or something.

---

I got a little sick, lying on the bed last night. My sinus's are just clearing now.

I did indeed phone Brian, Mother's partner, or ex or however I'm supposed to address him now. I realised it's actually the first time I ever phoned him in my life, even though he lived with Mother since I was around six.

But, give him his due, he was perfectly friendly. I explained the situation; I've been trying to speak to A. for over five weeks, to no avail. He asked if I didn't get any faxes at all, and I said no, obviously, as my Thai sim doesn't work here. I realised how dumb that was now, as I could have had it switched for roaming before I left, rather than being here with nothing, or no way to contact me.

Anyway, she's in hospital. She's OK but keeps having these fits. So, he said that there has to be some decision to be made, should she go home, or stay in hospital, or go in some kind of nursing home. I'm not quite sure why 'we' have to make the decision. I asked if she's OK to speak to, and he said that she had a bit of a go at Carly's boyfriend, but is OK apart from that, but, 'between me and you, she doesn't want to have anything to do with Geoffrey'. (Who does?).

So, I'm to phone back in about a week. I said about I was planning to go back. He said, concerning accommodation we'll 'work something out', but I don't know what that is. He was really quite decent about everything. A. was saying how he goes to, or at least went to, see her everyday since she was sick. So, I can work accommodation out myself I think, the Tibetan Buddhist place in London emailed back and said I can stay and pay on arrival if I give them enough notice, then I have the monastery, and it's just a week or so when I get back.

The problems are: receiving my new bank cards and getting the course materials forwarded if I'm accepted on the course. So... I don't know. Perhaps I'll have to phone my father?

Anyway, that's why I went to Global Bar and saw the party thing, someone's birthday I mean. It's a bar/cafe/nightclub, so I had live music and all that. I wasn't somewhere quiet and alone. It's good to be alone, it's good to be somewhere noisy. I think you need a middle path between the two. I lean towards solitude as an avoidant, but I work on being all I can.

OK, the big news. I just bought the ticket. I fly at fifty minutes past midnight from Hong Kong Airport on, which means I'll check in about ten pm the night before.

So now, I don't know. I suppose I still have quite a bit to decide concerning the plan and stuff, and I'm here, where I can do the I Ching and make bookings in a relaxed place with places for me to go and relax in between bookings. I should book the national express coaches up and down as I need them. The Tibetan place, the notebook, ugh god. I don't know. I'd like to just not bother... but the coins are there, and I don't want to touch the 60k principle from Mar now, I want to be a way towards a degree, to have submitted some writing, to be a bit more settled in what I am doing.

Yes, that would be good.

Man, it's just three weeks, you know?

But to book my ticket back, around the fifth of April say, then I'd need to buy it just before I leave HK... which is interesting.

But I did well to get on and actually get something done. I don't know if I should sleep somewhere else tonight, the thing is, they'll be insulted. But I can tell them the truth, it's some kind of allergic reaction.

I think time to go and eat and have a good reflection about everything. I spent far too much, about twenty US on food yesterday, so I'm only going to snack today.

I have to do this.

Man, lonely sometimes, but happy overall, and grateful. I'm a lot more decisive now. Though, as weak as I come across (as I'm quiet and don't extol my virtues), I usually just decide what I want to do and then do it. Which is what I do, I suppose. Look, I was just sitting in UK fifteen years ago and I got my ass to Asia and started the life I have now. It's not everything it could be, but I do do what I want.

Right, foodychops.

tata (see, feeling lighthearted now).

Date: Wednesday 27th February 2008 Yangshou China 6.07pm lt

I went looking for somewhere else to live after that last post, and ended up finding the new Yangshou Flowers, sister hotel to the one in Guilin. The girl was there, well, I should say woman so that I don't show my age too much, the same one who was in charge the first time I came to Guilin. The place is brand new and I was the first person to stay in my room, 401, so she had to keep coming up and down the stairs because of all the things that didn't work. But in the end I checked in.

Yes, it was awkward and embarrassing getting my stuff from Minority, I hate me, then again, my sinus's are still bad now; they should redecorate sometimes.

I bought a bus ticket just now up to the temple on the 19th. I only realised this morning, if I enter on the twentyth (the what?), then it will be two years exactly since I had a drink. And, perhaps, I should just stop smoking on that day?

Ugh, it's eight hours though, plus I'll have to get to London for 09.30pm, so I don't know how that's going to work out. Perhaps stay up all night and sleep on the coach?

The weather here turned bitterly cold. Awful. I hated it. It wouldn't be so bad if I could just pop out and buy a hat, but of course, it's a major undertaking to buy even simple things here, let alone a hugely complicated thing like a hat.

Last full day tomorrow. I must work on name possibilities, and updating my photos and stuff, as it's the last time I'll be in one place to get it all sorted out. I imagine I will have come and gone, ... or gone and came I mean, until I can do it again, and I was in Thailand when I did it last.

Oh, I'd have to pay extra to choose my seat with Oasis, so it was too expensive. Thirteen hours and I don't know if I can get an aisle seat.

But it's all taking shape, for better or worse, and I have the chance of

* Releasing the gold
* Taking the precepts
* Dealing with the J possessions
* Dealing with my last possessions
* Starting university study
* Having new bank accounts
* Casting my old name off and embracing a new one
* Having new bank cards

You can't always do what's easiest in life.

I'm going home for a coffee, and to close the window.

See you.

Date: Saturday 1st March 2008
Flowers Youth Hotel, Guilin, China. 12.22pm lt

All is going according to the plan. I phoned Bri as arranged. She's in Hospital, but might be back early next week. No idea when though. We arranged that I'm to try and phone her 'the start of the week', and so I'll do it Tuesday. If there's no reply I'll speak to him and find out what's going on. It's a bit awkward as I'll need to know about getting stuff sent there, also, I'll need to speak to my father to check if the parcel arrived and he's OK about it, as it has the olympus camera in that I'm intending to do the copying with.

After the call I went to Global, the same as the last time I called. They bought expensive lemon tea laced with sugar and I went on a downer. As I sat there I noticed that the aircon was spitting out hot air. When I got home I put my aircon on for the first time and turned it up to 31C. and realised that it actually spits out hot air. That's what they do. MADDNESS. All the times, OVER THE YEARS, I've sat there shivering, and all I had to do was put the aircon on; they heat as well as cool air. I lay there as snug as a bug, laughing at the irony of it.

I notice that there's still a lot of restlessness in my mind though; I really don't want to go, to England I mean. A lot of the time I think about J, yearn, which is just what my mind/self does when it's unhappy or unsure of what's coming. So what, it's not just me. Everyone thinks of better times when things are hard. But then there are all these mental sequences in my mind, of policemen and teachers and shop assistants and all the cruel, awful people that exist in England. Man, I really, really don't want to go. But, as I already stated, it's part of the plan.

It was really nice coming back here. I was remembered and had a nice chat with the woman who works here; the one who always laughed and messed up my laundry last time, but now is in charge and much more competent. I realised what a difference it makes to be in a place where people know you and know of you. It's good... but I guess it can never last no matter who you are or what you do.

Later

I didn't quite get my much dreamed of salty goose egg and durian by the pagoda lake, it's Saturday and too busy, but I enjoyed it here.

I'm just looking up some possible names for myself. I've been thinking of this for way over a decade. I remember being in Varinessi 95ish and writing down a list of possibles. But finally I'm going to do so. I'm much more decisive. As I wrote before, I happened to come across the diary page where I chose the name I have now and it was so arbitrary; anything is an improvement. I have some ideas, I'll think about it on the train.

I'm always a little sad leaving here. Perhaps because I usually don't know where I'm going, or perhaps because they're so friendly?

Date: Thursday ?8th March

Posted on TT

Finally Gone Mad

I'm thinking (on the New Moon on Saturday) of using an online deed poll to legally change my name to:

Jai Questin Starella

and then sending off all my ID's and credit cards to be changed.

I haven't told anyone. I'm going to just do it, and then go and tell everyone. Do you think that's weird? Is the name itself weird? I'm a male, UK born Eurasian (50%Euro50%White), and it kind of looks Spanish (the name), and I do too, Jai is both old English (a bird) and Indian (meaning victory), Questin is made up, and Starella is a girls name, but from googling it, I think it's obsolete.

But I wanted to bounce the idea off some cruel and sarcastic people, just to check there's not some obvious joke/teasing target in the name, and who better for this purpose than the cruel and sar... I mean, lovely, lovely people who frequent this fine portal of modern communication at TT.

I'm not actually joking about the name though? Really, what do you think. What would you think if your best (male) friend turned up with new ID and announced his name was Jai Questin Starellaï¼Ÿ

Myanmarbound
Posted: 06-Mar-2008 20:09

Posts: 1,891
Registered: 24/10/04

Click to report abuse... Click to reply to this thread Print this Thread Apart from I don't understand this bit:

(50%Euro50%White)

I think if you want to sound like a dyslexic drag queen you should be fine. lifemagic Posted: 06-Mar-2008 20:11

Posts: 151
Registered: 22/01/05

Click to edit this message... Click to report abuse... Click to reply to this thread Print this Thread No, not 50%Euro50%White, what the hell's that? Why didn't I preview this, already the post is weird enough?

I meant 50% white 50% Indian, so Med. looking in other words (thankfully looking less stupid than I am sometimes).

Can someone say something kind now please. lifemagic Posted: 06-Mar-2008 20:12

Posts: 151
Registered: 22/01/05

Click to edit this message... Click to report abuse... Click to reply to this thread Print this Thread Wow, just two minutes for the constructive, helpful comments to start! Junkenpun Posted: 06-Mar-2008 20:15

Posts: 242
Registered: 14/01/06

Click to report abuse... Click to reply to this thread Print this Thread Is this to go along with your unannounced operation, too?
cybergal
Posted: 06-Mar-2008 20:16

Posts: 1,789
Registered: 01/08/00

Click to report abuse... Click to reply to this thread Print this Thread I'm a male, UK born Eurasian (50%Euro50%White)

You're half man, half coin?

--------------------- Kings is mostly rapscallions
lifemagic
Posted: 06-Mar-2008 20:17

Posts: 151
Registered: 22/01/05

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Starella's too feminnine? Do you think?

Mr. JQ Starella.

What about just Starr?

Jai Questin Starr?

But what if people make jokes about Ringo Starr, if reference to me I mean. Instead of Jai, they start calling me Ringo.

JQ Starr.

Mr Starr.

Hmmmmm.

... 'Hello Mr Starr, the dentist can see you now'.

"Hello Mr Starella, the dentist can see you now.'

Would a dental receptionist (for example) say this without laughing?
lifemagic
Posted: 06-Mar-2008 20:19

Posts: 151
Registered: 22/01/05

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Yes, Starella's insane; what was I thinking? Just Starr is better, no?

I'm staying a male, which is why I want the feedback.
Myanmarbound
Posted: 06-Mar-2008 20:22

Posts: 1,891
Registered: 24/10/04

Click to report abuse... Click to reply to this thread Print this Thread Isn't Jai the \"Concierge of cool\" on Queer Eye?
lifemagic
Posted: 06-Mar-2008 20:26

Posts: 151
Registered: 22/01/05

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I'm proud to day I had to Google 'Queer Eye' to know what it is.

Maybe... but it's pronounced (rhymes with say) Jay. Like Jay Leno. But it's informal, and my current name begins with a J and sometimes people shorten it to just Jay, and I feel comfortable with it.

Most of the people I mix with don't watch things like Queer Eye and wouldn't know what that is. They're more 'Jay Leno' type people. lifemagic Posted: 06-Mar-2008 20:29

Posts: 151
Registered: 22/01/05

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I keep having this daydream, that a policeman stops me in the street, and asks me my name. I visualise telling him my planned name, but each time he gets angry and says if I don't stop messing about he's going to arrest me.

I truely am mad? It's an imaginary policeman in my mind, but I can't get him to believe me.
lifemagic
Posted: 06-Mar-2008 20:31

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What about Questin as a surname, and I'll find another middle? lifemagic
Posted: 06-Mar-2008 20:32

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Registered: 22/01/05

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Solastra?
lifemagic
Posted: 06-Mar-2008 20:34

Posts: 151
Registered: 22/01/05

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Middle names I like:

Satoru
Amiya
Kami/kama
Annand
Bharat
Akash

Possible Last Name alternatives:

Estrella
Asteria
Starrika
Starriah
Solastra
Astara
Sahana
Stalia

Date: Saturday 8th March 2008
Riverside Youth Hostel, Guangzhou, China

Dream

I was with someone who was house sitting; I think she started off as my sister, but turned into some other unspecified female. Also, I think the house was on Kingsley Park Terrace, near New Tung Shin take out. She was only my sister for just the start and quickly became this non-specified woman.

We were looking for something but I can't remember what. I went out to sit at the bus stop, and she called to me from the house that she still hadn't found it.

I went in and we were in the back room where there were computers. She said that sometimes my brother would ride past and be critical because there was 'herbal cigarette mix' down the back of the computers.

She went upstairs to continue the search, and I went ot the toilet. I had a bag of bread rolls with 'delight' written on them.

Interpretation

The house near New Tung Shin is the part of my life purpose, which is getting away from the UK, sister, and other people who weigh me down.. My brother and cone computer means his critical judgment of the way I live my life. Looking for something is trying to choose a new name for me, and 'delight' is one of the names under consideration: Amiya.

Dream - Retrospective to 2nd March 2008

A pychopath was riding a bike of interconnectedness.

All the water in the world disappeared and came back frozen.

Interpretation

Madness.

Bonus Musings

Now I'm sorting out the diaries, these bits are left over, i.e. partial notes to be developed but I haven't got tie now

When I was in Guangzhou Train Station, I mean the Underground, I used to pass a huge poster called Japan Yokoso, from floor to ceiling in pink spring blossoms, and it made me recall the advice of the French guy on the train, of when to visit Japan.

Aren't all the little phones that can play mp3s on the loudspeakers a pain? You can be somewhere really nice and quiet and someone just ruins everything with those things.

There's some safe thing about hostels. I realised it walking home yesterday. Off the ferry in the dark, wearing cut-off trousers and flippies so Chinese faces under yellow lights pointed me out and laughed.

Then I got 'home', to the standard HI hostel, with the standard 'hut and tree' logo , public seating, dual translations, world flags, vending machines, cosmopolitan transients and diaspora, posted rules, recycling bins -- and there's a relief in getting back there. There's a safety in sitting in a common area with my 'family' of whichever traveller from wherever is sitting there also. I don't know if it's possible ot become 'hostelised' as perennial travelers, like perennial lunatics or criminals become 'institutionalised', but if it is possible, then it's happened to me.

I never truly felt at home outside one of these places -- even with J, and maybe I should just accept that?

This was about the walk to get the train to Guilin.

I think the way a person laughs in incredibly important. How often is important, but also, just the general way they laugh.

There are so many laughs. Happy laughs, mischievous laughs, teeth clenched laughs, camaraderie laughs, but there's also the characteristic of the way a person laughs, the individual characteristics. Teeth together or apart, mouth open or closed, loud or quiet.

I don't know what it means -- but it's important.

Then again, everyone sneezes differently, and that probably doesn't mean anything... except how considerate you are and if you have a cold.

Perhaps I just think too much, or at least shouldn't write down every single thought?

On my last day in Chiang Mai and guy just came up to me and said 'Osho', then walked off.

FAT PEOPLE AND PRESENTS

Every year at Christmas, people complain about unwanted presents. Why not just make donations to charities in people's honour and give the receipts as gifts.

In the same vein, people always moan that society is so image conscious and that people who are different are judged and unwanted... but these same people only have slim, good-looking friends of a certain age, and they watch the media all the time.

They choose to partake in the things they hate.

A precious human birth is a rare and wonderful opportunity. It's also a very hard thing, to live within a human consciousness. If someone wants to give up and devote themselves to alcohol, then that's fair enough and there's an awful lot of happiness in alcohol.

In fact, thinking objectively about it -- nothing ever gave me as much happiness in life as alcohol.

Not sure if I'd take that as far as the dharma itself... maybe. perhaps dharma practice means I get through my day --- but alcohol made me happy. It was like someone behind me wrapping their warm arms around me and lifting me out of an otherwise permanent darkness.

What are the point of privacy laws? People, governments and businesses not tracking what we do; there's an expectation that we're entitled to have secrets.

Monday, 2 February 2009

Returning to Hong Kong

Bonus Musings

FAT PEOPLE AND PRESENTS

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