Back in China

Dream

22nd January 2008 -- Chiang Rai North Thailand

I was trying to feed a rat in a sink. It wasn't mine. I was kind of busy in the sink doing stuff with chemicals. Somehow, the rat was accidentally drowned in one of the chemicals.

     I received an Asus eee pc and was generally dissatisfied with the keyboard.

Interpretation

 I think perhaps the rat could mean thoughts/emotions which enter consciousness and don't have any place to stay now because of my spiritual practice. Perhaps they're things I've never looked at as a problem before (yes, you know what I'm talking about.

The second part could be literal

Date: 22nd January 2008 -- Chiang Saen, North Thailand

6:55pm

Didn't think I'd get a chance to update, but here I am, before leaving.

I left the hotel and went to the Internet for an hour and updated things. I usually carry an exercise book around with me, with notes about all the projects, to do list, record of I ching questions etc. and I type it all into Google when it's full. So I did that this morning, including the dream above (actually dreamt that this morning, how's that for up to date).

I went to the mail account and sara at www.forest-cafe.org had emailed to say my hotel choice was full, and offered another, which I wrote back and declined. Then I went to DaVinchi for a soup. Read some pulp fiction I've brought with me, and then got on the bus.

I listened to Buddhist Geeks as I came up, quite interesting, and then walked to Gins. I got there with half an hour to spare. She didn't know why I was there and had expected me on the eighteenth, so I showed her the receipt and it was her mistake, so she went off to get the ticket. She said there's another 100B immigration charge and  apologised for not telling me. There are two other women going, and she showed me their tickets, it is 800Y from China, which is a tad more than I paid in Baht, but there's free transport tomorrow. I looked at the pictures. There aren't seat numbers but it looked bearable. It'll be easier if two others are going, though I don't know if they look like my kind of people. Then again, what are my kind of people?

I got a different room. It's not a hut but a proper room. I sat outside and they showed an Australian woman around next door, who completely ignored me, but then a German couple and they were OK, said hello. I don't mind lone females pretending you don't exist, as I guess they have to be careful with someone next door, especially as weird looking as me.

Then I came down and there was another email from Sara, saying the room was attached and by a park, so I just phoned her to say I'll have it, then texted her too. It was voip, and we only just understood each other, but I texted via Skype also, so perhaps that will work out. I should have something kind of organised now. All I have to do is work out how to get there!

 I just checked my email, Sara just replied, she's expecting me, so I have somewhere to go. Plus, I'm about to print out the address in Chinese.

Man, I LOVE being organised!

Anyway, I'm off to 7-11 for snacks for the trip, then I'll try the only restaurant I know of with an English menu, home to pay for the room, immigration charge, bottle of water and pick up my ticket. Charge the phone. Listen to a few podcasts (already meditated), then I'm off.

Ah, so, quite a good day today.

Let's see how I get through such a long day tomorrow.

Date: Friday 25th January 2008

Below Mekong Cafe, Jinghong, CHINA. 8.07pm

Made it.

After leaving the Thai Internet place, I did indeed go to the only place I could see to eat in Chian Saen, '2 be 1'. It wasn't really good though. The salad had so much mayonnaise on it was inedible, and it was Thai style mayonnaise i.e. loaded with sugar, and then I had a plate of rice, which for some inexplicable reason, had pepper all over it.

I went home and was in the much nicer room. I got packed up and sat outside until I was tired. It was a full moon (I'd done the magic on the way home) so I sat outside. It was nice, with all the greens of the foliage turned shades of grey in the moonlight, it was so bright. But there's a karaoke place nearby and it didn't really do anything for the atmosphere.

I was actually really tired. I thought about phoning A. but decided I wasn't in the mood.

I woke up in good time and sat outside. Gin's dog came for a stroke. It was white, dirty and covered in open-wounds. As I made a fuss of it I noted how thick its neck was and I was glad it obviously didn't have any issues with foreigners. Then saw a vehicle draw up and went over to it. There were only two seats in the front so I asked if I could sit inside as it was a pick up. Ju-li said no, this is for a female. I was joined by a Dutch couple in their fifties (funnily enough, I just saw them here in this cafe a couple of minutes ago). Ju-li had decided that the female had to go in the front, so I was forced in the back. The guy sat down, but I couldn't crouch so stood up. We set off and then stopped at the top of the incline that led out, and rolled back down. This was really painful on my hip and I was getting scared. It turned out the guy had dropped his hat. We set off again and it was very fast, bumpy; I felt I should sit down to be safe but couldn't. The wind was really hurting my eyes but I had to keep them open to see the road ahead and any possible obstructions. Thankfully, it only lasted for a minute or so.

We got there and I was given a bag of food and the boat was down some slope. I walked down and had to go over another boat with cargo everywhere. I managed to walk to the end so that there was something there to pull myself up on. I did this and then managed to get on the boat.

I walked right to the front of the boat and sat down. It was dim but seemed bearable. The people on board were a mixture of Han Chinese and ethnic people. There was only myself and the Dutch couple as foreigners (to the region at least).

It turned out that I was sitting where the bags went, and so I was moved to be opposite two very Chinese looking guys with bad teeth, and a Chinese teenage girl to my right. I was in the aisle, so that made me happy at least.

We set off. I put on my 'mini-podcast-retreat' and meditated. This went on for three and a half hours. At the end of it, I wanted the toilet, and I noticed that people were disappearing out the back of the boat and I wanted to know what was going on. I went in the toilet and it was clean and pleasant. Then I walked out the back. The boat itself was about thirty feet. It was really swaying, not from current, but from making sharp turns at speed. Out the back I realised that  the river was quite narrow. Not rapids, but there were indeed rocks with water splashing over them so it had that kind of appearance. There was a small deck and most people had life jackets on. It was really cold and windy and was moving a lot, but I braved it over to a bench and held on.

Chinese tourists were taking photos of everything. The boat lurched right and a man nearly rolled off but was caught by a uniformed attendant. Both seemed really scared for a moment, but then laughed. A Chinese woman who was part of a group came and sat with me and I realised her companions wanted to take a picture of her, so I turned around politely, to look away. The uniformed member came over and explained that they wanted me in the picture also, so I smiled while five or six people with slr's took pictures of us.

That ended and I just watched the passing scenery. The water was a light brown colour and the banks either side changed, from pebbly, to grass (rarely) to huge rocks twenty meters long to sand banks at the bottom of cliffs. Very interesting. The Chinese group came back and wanted the same picture, but with miming the matriarch in charge explained that they wanted the picture with me with my arm around her. So I obliged at they took pictures of us from various angles for about a minute. It was actually funny. She didn't put her arm around me though, it was just a one-way affair.

I went back in and looked at the food. Ju-li had put in a tuna sandwich, which I couldn't eat, and an egg noodles, which I could. The attendant of the boat had also given me a bag of milky liquid, which I declined, and a bag of fried dough, which I ate (very Chinese and quite good).

So I listened to more podcasts. The woman who's arm I'd had around (what?), you know what I mean, kept turning round and smiling at me. I read some pulp fiction.

After about another four hours, I went up again. It was sunny by now and warm, and standing just by the door I was able to loop my arm around the banister. This made me feel safer, and also, there was a lot of heat coming off the open diesel engine. I was there and quite enjoying myself for about forty minutes, and then the guy said we were getting close, so I went and sat down.

It was about another half hour, but then some people started getting off. A passenger opposite me said in English that we weren't going onto Jinghong, we were staying at the border because it was too late. I said, OK, but just decided he was an idiot who likes to make facetious jokes.

But then the captain came and started speaking to me in Chinese, and the same guy translated. It was indeed the case that we were too late, having spent an hour refueling, and so would have to stay the night, but the boat company would provide free accommodation. I explained that I'd booked accommodation, and it turned out that he knew Sara, and so called her for me. I said I had no money to  buy anything but he said that I wouldn't need any.

So we all got off. Again, I had to scramble over a cargo boat and had real trouble with my hip and couldn't get on my feet at one point. A Chinese policeman helped me to my feet. He absolutely insisted on carrying my bag, and we went up an awful lot of stairs, level after level. The Chinese before me kept looking back confused as to why a policeman was helping me. I felt really guilty. When we got to immigration, he left me and I thanked him profusely, and gave a full bow and he seemed pleasantly surprised (though that must be an odd sight to them).

I went up to immigration. The English speaker put me in the right queue. I went up to the officer, worried by lack of passport space. When it was my turn she chirped 'Good Afternoon sir', and beamed a warm smile at me. She found my visa, stamped me right in, and that was it!

I went out and found the English speaker chatting to the Dutch couple, so I joined them. Then we were led off. We all walked, about twenty of us, through the streets full of bemused looking locals. I asked about changing money but there was not even a bank there. The Dutch couple were joined by a Chinese woman who talked to them; she was living in Portugal. We arrived at a hotel. My stomach started bubbling and I realised that I was ill (though that had been building for a few hours come to think of it). They gave me a room key and went upstairs and half made it in time to the toilet (don't ask; I won't elaborate). I got washing powder and laundered my clothes, then changed. I looked at my rations. Four pieces of bread, three slices of cheese, half of a half litre bottle of water. Not good. I went downstairs and asked the owner about changing money. He didn't understand. He make a call and a guy came who went out in the street and shouted until the English speaker came (yes, the same one, I only met one that day). He said I can change money, so he spoke to the owner who made another call. A guy came on a bike and I changed 260 baht for about forty or fifty or something. The English speaker explained that it was a whore-town, but there's a shop 'like seven eleven'. I went and found it, though I don't know if that was it. I ended up with two litres of water. Two packs of crisps in a gold packet. A noodles.

I went home and asked for hot water and the owner pointed to a water-cooler. I tried to explain it needed to be boiling, so he demonstrated that it was indeed boiling. I went up and ate, then meditated. Sitting there I wasn't sure it there was a time difference. It kept niggling me as we had to be at the shore at eight. I went down and indeed it was an hour ahead. I went back up, and slept. Soundly.

Next day I was up on time. I had a coke, and went down. I gave the guy the key and started walking. But then got worried as I saw some people getting on a bus, so I went back to the hotel in case the plan had changed. The woman who I'd been pictured with, and her group, walked out, so I just followed them. We went back down to the boat. It was cold, grey and misty. I had to climb over the boat but made it OK. We all got back on. We sat in the same seats and the English speaker said hello and asked if I am a Buddhist (as usual, I was wearing mala beads).

We went for about two hours. I looked at the guys opposite me. Their teeth made me resolve to find out about dentistry and go and see one for the first time in fifteen years.

We arrived and got off the boat. Some police checked my passport and the English speaker pointed out the bus. I walked up a load of stairs and got on. It was full but bearable. We went for about an hour. The scenery was tropical and the sun came out. We arrived. I noticed the man next to me had dropped a cigarette on the new seat and it had burnt a hole right though. I pointed it out to him. We got off and the English speaker came and explained how to get to Forest cafe. I thanked him and started walking.

It took about twenty minutes and I was there. There was a local woman at the computer who spoke perfect English but was snooty and standoffish. The cook was friendly. Sara wasn't there but they phoned her, and the snooty one wrote down instructions for the staff at Golden Elephant. She went, and the cook wrote down the name and explained where the bank was. I walked and got money, then got a cab. The cab took be back to the bank, so I went back to forest. The snooty one was back and put me in a taxi. I got there and showed the receptionist the Chinese writing. She seemed really confused, so made a call and an English speaking manager came down. He was really friendly and we got it all sorted out. I made tea and then went for a walk. I started getting extreme pain by then, hip as usual, but I was hungry. I walked to a supermarket. I got shopping but wanted tea bags. I asked an attendant, who called a friend over, who called a friend over, who called a friend over. This went on until there was most of the staff standing around me. The manager came and didn't understand English, but I mimed a cup of tea and then was shown it, but there was no black tea.

I went onto Bana cafe and ate, very nice, then was in a lot of pain and only just made it home. The receptionist (a different one) noticed my painful limp, pointed it out to the security guard, and they both laughed. I listened to Gill Fronsdal all night and slept.

I woke up and got ready. I realised that the windows are tinted blue, which is strange as the light temperature is so cool; if you're going to tint windows, why not orange?

Anyway, I didn't get out until twelve. I went to Bana and ate again, then had a terrible headache. I went to the supermarket, shopped, then went home and slept.

Woke up, went looking for a nice cybercafe (a recommended one) but couldn't find it, so came back here to the cafe under Mekong. Then I sat here and typed up all this.

Dream Friday 25th January 2008

I was in Zest restaurant, Chiang Mai, receiving free videotapes of psychic readings all by different psychics. The readings were all about Joanne, the woman I was with before I met Junko.

     Then Joanne unexpectedly turned up and we had a drink together. We just talked generally and then she went. After she'd gone it occurred to me that I should have opened up about how much I was in love with Junko and how much it all affected me even after all this time.

     Then she went and I played the psychic videos. The first psychic tuned into the 'target' and said that she's always touching her hair and that everyone wonders why she isn't married yet. The second psychics came on and was standing before an Indian elephant. She was about to start but I turned it off as I realised that I can play the following readings one by one over time rather than all at the same time as it's a lot to take in in one go [I wrote 'take off' accidentally when writing the dream down].

     Then it occurred to me that the readings could be about Junko, not Joanne, as Joanne isn't particularly significant to me.

     Then I went to a shop and gave a receipt for some soda bottles I'd earlier had bought. I did some more shopping and got some more bottles, and checked with the guy that it would be OK to brink them back. He said that there isn't a deposit. I reminded him that I just got a deposit on a receipt rather than the bottles and he agreed that yes, I would get a deposit refund on the receipt.

Interpretation

This is quite obviously about my vague plan, to put my new projects and study into effect over the year, and then actually go to Japan. I wouldn't like to speculate what the readings mean. What happened is there and you can work it out for yourself, or come up with your own opinion.

Obviously, if I have that vague plan, then it's saying I'll be allowed to know more as time goes on. I hope so, as I'm open to doing what is best, including letting go. It's just hard, I mean, for something so important to me to fade out.

Dream Saturday 26th January 2008

I was watching some program about two men who were researching about how some railway track got laid. It wasn't TB, I was actually there watching the program being made. ON this particular program it was about a specific six mile stretch that went through the countryside. They knelt down and had special tools to follow the track and said that the history of how it was laid and the people who laid it was particularly interesting.

Then I was trying to phone A but couldn't get through. I was also, somehow through the phone, trying to download an audiobook. I could just about hear A's voice, saying that as far as she was concerned she'd paid for it -- though I think the book was actually nothing to do with her.

Then I was in Northampton bus station in a long queue of an overdue bus that seemed to be out of service. Someone phoned up to complain, but as they were put through, all the people started getting on as it was ready to go.

Interpretation

This is about the new plans and projects, i.e. me becoming more focused that I've been for years. Six miles of track means I've worked out that I have enough money for six years clear, possibly longer depending on the stock market. It's particularly interesting how I got to be in this, auspicious? situation (beggar).

A thinks that she has a lot more influence than she has. I think anything that's positive about me comes from my lifelong spiritual practice and study and application of psychology.

I think the bus part perhaps means that, even though I don't really want to go, returning to England briefly is the correct thing to do in light of the plan.

 

--

 

Note: This post is via email from China... so I hope it works OK and is readable; sorry if not.

 

 

One Last Post After All (Good Day)

Date: 22nd January 2008 -- Chiang Saen, North Thailand
6:55pm

Didn't think I'd get a chance to update, but here I am, before leaving.

I left the hotel and went to the Internet for an hour and updated things. I usually carry an exercise book around with me, with notes about all the projects, to do list, record of I ching questions etc. and I type it all into Google when it's full. So I did that this morning, including the dream above (actually dreamt that this morning, how's that for up to date).

I went to the mail account and sara at www.forest-cafe.org had emailed to say my hotel choice was full, and offered another, which I wrote back and declined. Then I went to DaVinchi for a soup. Read some pulp fiction I've brought with me, and then got on the bus.

I listened to Buddhist Geeks as I came up, quite interesting, and then walked to Gins. I got there with half an hour to spare. She didn't know why I was there and had expected me on the eighteenth, so I showed her the receipt and it was her mistake, so she went off to get the ticket. She said there's another 100B immigration charge and apologised for not telling me. There are two other women going, and she showed me their tickets, it is 800Y from China, which is a tad more than I paid in Baht, but there's free transport tomorrow. I looked at the pictures. There aren't seat numbers but it looked bearable. It'll be easier if two others are going, though I don't know if they look like my kind of people. Then again, what are my kind of people?

I got a different room. It's not a hut but a proper room. I sat outside and they showed an Australian woman around next door, who completely ignored me, but then a German couple and they were OK, said hello. I don't mind lone females pretending you don't exist, as I guess they have to be careful with someone next door, especially as weird looking as me.

Then I came down and there was another email from Sara, saying the room was attached and by a park, so I just phoned her to say I'll have it, then texted her too. It was voip, and we only just understood each other, but I texted via Skype also, so perhaps that will work out. I should have something kind of organised now. All I have to do is work out how to get there!

I just checked my email, Sara just replied, she's expecting me, so I have somewhere to go. Plus, I'm about to print out the address in Chinese.

Man, I LOVE being organised!

Anyway, I'm off to 7-11 for snacks for the trip, then I'll try the only restaurant I know of with an English menu, home to pay for the room, immigration charge, bottle of water and pick up my ticket. Charge the phone. Listen to a few podcasts (already meditated), then I'm off.

Ah, so, quite a good day today.

Let's see how I get through such a long day tomorrow.

Leaving Thailand in Two Days

Dream: 3rd January 2008

     I was on a really crowded bus working out how old I am and, in a practical way, how much time I have left to do the things that I want to in life.

     The bus arrived at a major stop and loads of people got off, so suddenly there were a lot of free seats.

     I went to the restaurant counter and said that I only wanted a drink and was told that the counter was only for food order and that I would have to  use the waitress. I complained that they were ignoring people, though actually they were just standing there and all I had to do was ask.

Interpretation

     Life is a lot easier when you're older, but you do need to go out and aim for the things you want, and also contact people who can help you.

Friday ?5th January 2007

I went to the toilet and some kids started harassing me.

     I went through immigration control. I had a passport, though my entry stamp was actually a name change document. The woman immigration officer looked at it was said it was fine.

     I had the thought that I'd changed my name to something that was OK but I didn't love, and so it would be temporary for the life of my passport.

     Then I'd arrived at a ????? for the third time. First time I'd stayed at an Indian hotel. The second I'd had to stay at a different Swedish place for some reason. Now I was back a third time and wanted to stay at the Swedish place by choice. I had a map but couldn't find it. Darren was with me and I asked him if he could remember where it was.

Interpretation

     I think the kids harassing me shows a kind of spiritual maturity that's come about on this trip. I used to have to have life a certain way or at least the possibility of it and that chance of J and I being together, and as it worked out, we weren't together -- but now I think about always being alone and never having a house or a home. It's not great, but I can accept it and still feel gratitude.

     Changing my name is literal. One of the reasons for going back to the UK is to do this, but I haven't got an idea for a name which I'll always want to be known by, and again, perhaps I should just accept this; I'm ever changing and ever growing and so can never be one person with one name in one place and that's just who I am.

     The 'third time arriving' is the UK, as if I go in 2008, then it will be the third return from a long trip. I always went back very much attached to India... and still very much feel that way, but perhaps this is saying that it won't be like now. I know a bit more about where to go now and how to fit in.

Wednesday ?8th January 2008

     I was on a personal mission to help stray and unwanted dogs. I went out and it was nighttime and I came to a huge patch of sand. It seemed completely deserted. When I looked closely I could see the outline of a buried dog. I coaxed it and it came  up and kind of shyly growled and I was kind of a little bit scared.

     All of a sudden, loads of dogs started coming up out the the sane. All of them shyly growling. I had the emotion of both wanting to help them but also being scared.

     Then a large bus came and picked me up. It was kind of a huge trailer-home affair, full of people who had dedicated themselves to the same task of saving the unwanted dogs. There was a woman in charge who prayed at a shrine which wasn't specifically Christian but wasn't Buddhist either. I decided that it was kind of a universal/non-denominational shrine, and that it would be OK for me to light incense and pray there also, and that I could still get peace and good karma.

     Then I was in a shop. I think my Aunt and niece might have been there. My brother phoned up and I spoke to be civil to him, but then was kind of angry that he'd managed to get past my resolution of never speaking to him again. I told him straight that I didn't want to know him and was only interested in how mother was.

Interpretation

     This is a dream about isolation. The first part shows I can help and be altruistic thought groups I wouldn't usually associate to, i.e. the Christian and animal helpers, though this could just be one possible example in the dream. Perhaps I should think of animal charities?

     ... but being friends with my brother is going too far. I think it means, I could reach out and contact people by being altruistic in this way, and yes there's the risk of meeting people who aren't worthy of my time, but then I have to have self-esteem and draw the line.

Friday 11th January 2008

Well, not so much news, though I've been busy. I've actually achieved so much in Chiang Mai, almost all of the work on my website.

I got sick of looking at the HBOS shares that G got. They lost over two thousand dollars since the markets slipped. I know you're supposed to buy and hold... but I didn't buy them! If it was my own loss I'd just accept it. It was irritating as the investments I'd chosen myself are OK. So, I kept 500 sterling of hbos and bought Google, and a Global Smaller Company fund, and I have 700 left to invest. I'm bullish on Asustek and Intel, VMED, and some other secret stuff.

I was ill recently. I was walking home and suddenly felt so weak. My stomach went and I had an awful fever. I lay in bed in pain from the cold. My fingers were like ice. I got better yesterday, though there's a rash and spots over my arm.

I phoned A. yesterday. She's fine. I mean... she's really fine. I got a text from C saying A would be back Wed, and she was. She sounded tired, but she's really there. I was thinking, she was mentally gone forever, but really, she was just fine, completely fine. So that's good news.

'bout it.

All's good.

Date: Saturday 12th January 2008. Chiang Mai.

Bit down today. Not really sure why. Couldn't get anything done.

One thing, I noticed on my walk, that I'm spending an awful lot of time daydreaming, well, sometimes, and I notice it's about the time I was stopped and searched in England, and other negative experiences there (basically all the experiences I ever had there). I think perhaps I'm getting apprehensive about having to go.

But the coins.

 Date: Sunday 13th January 2008. Chiang Mai 10:00pmish

Managed to get a bit more done today. Perhaps I've been in one place too long? I don't know. I'm perhaps not massively looking forward to Jinghong. I'm starting to think that it will just be a backwater with not so many foreigners and not so much scene. I don't know. No way to get away from there.

More than that, the thought of England is also getting me down. I'll have so much to do there, and I really don't like it there. I kind of have to go, for the chance of a course and to sort the coins out, and J's box I suppose. So many things. It's such a long-shot to actually get it all done. God, it's three weeks tops. I should just accept that.
 

The thought of sitting in a bus stop all night, dorms where people hate me, being pushed around by the police. Bad food. Rude people. Freezing cold. Not being able to afford anything. Being there and speaking to no one.

I did realise, that it's double the price, but I can at least stay in some Buddhist place, at least for the first night. There's always the option of paying more for my passport quickly and only being there ten days or so? I don't know.

I'm going to write today to see about attending Jukai at Throssel and taking the precepts. You're supposed to have done the special precepts retreat, and I haven't; and God knows what they think of me there. But the I Ching thinks it's a good idea. I must at least email and see what happens.

Done it. Just sent this:

Dear Guest Department,

    I'm writing to ask about the possibility of attending the Jukai precepts retreat this year.

    I attended the introductory retreat in 2006 and came back to stay again a while later. I couldn't attend the precept weekend as it's in November and I was abroad. But I do take the precepts as part of my practice daily, and still say the kesa verse each morning. I've lived by the precepts pretty strictly and have been teetotal for two years.

    I'm actually in Thailand at the moment, but am coming back around March 15th. If there was a space for me and it is possible, then I'd probably come up a couple of days before, and would confirm the exact arrival closer to the date.

    I hope that this can be possible in some way, though I understand it's a popular time and perhaps you would like to give preference to people who managed to attend in November. I'll look forward to you letting me know either way.

    Best wishes,

It's a bit like the first time I emailed them, second thoughts right up to the last minute. Sometimes you have to just do something and, hit the send button, literally or figuratively, and see what happens. Whatever. I'm not bothered. Well, I am, but today, sitting in this comfy sofa cybercafe cum coffeehouse in the tropics, I'm happy to hit the send button on the advice of an oracle and then let things work out as they should.
 

Oh God, always, always, always. Will I ever stop thinking of... I'm not sure if I've decided retrospectively, that a New Year Resolution is at least not to write about... but did I make that?

Tired... but can't sleep.

Monday 14th January 2008

Chiang Mai, Thailand. 7:40pm

A List of Things I'd do with More Money

1. Give altruistically.
2. Get a much smaller phone.
3. See more countries and sometimes stay in middle-class rooms.
4. Read more books and give them away.
5. See a very gook private dentist.
6. Get a karyotype.
7. Get a top-notch camera.
8. Put an ISBN on my books.
9. Get a notebook computer and work more.
10. Buy land with building permission and make something on it.
11. Use a lawyer to change my nationality.
12. Try running a hotel.
13. Build a hotel.
14. Have a boat to live on sometimes.
15. Study for the degree of my dreams and fly to sit exams.
16. Have a number of domains.
17. Pay for web marketing/advertising.

Later

Changed cybercafes.

I'm still getting a fair bit done, kind of, but don't feel great. I am taking the last of the St. John's Wort. I couldn't find any here, not for want of trying. I guess I kind of did most of what I was trying to do here, work-wise. It's time to go perhaps, but I'm having second thoughts about Jinghong. I don't have so much of an alternative because I need to spend about six weeks there. If it wasn't there, it would have been Xian, which isn't much closer to where I'm going, though it might have been a very little bit cheaper? I could have flown straight to Kunming, but it would have cost as much as the way I'm doing it. I should just be happy I suppose.

I get overwhelming obsession though, I noticed; yes, you know what about. It's when I don't have enough to do. I realised today that dissatisfaction with being here has crept up on me. It's really samey and I've had enough.

I also notice, in my mind, that I'm preoccupied with daydreams about sadistic people, teasing me, hurting me, an ever-playing sequence of arrogant people taking advantage of me in various ways and I have a feeling during all of this of injustice, unfairness and powerlessness. I realised that it's my mind steeling itself to be in England. It's got to the point that I thought about just going for a week and getting the gold and not doing anything else I'd planned.

I still have a few weeks to work everything out. Perhaps I'll feel better about it all once I get moving and am somewhere new?

Date: 16th January 2008

Lana House Internet, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 9:12pm

Finally made a start today, ordering the notes I've been taking for two years about the next non-fiction I want to write. I thought it would be so much work but it went OK, I perhaps did a third. A long way to go though.

I have to phone A. later. There's a load of post for me I think. That's basically why. I will be in China in exactly seven days, if all goes to plan, so it might be the last 'proper' conversation until I get there?

Received an auto reply from Throssel, as the monks are on retreat.

I walked home from this place the night before last and there was a guy of about fifty lying on the floor. He had obviously been just cycling along and lost consciousness. He had keys dangling from his pocket, so he wasn't some bum. I just stepped over him along with everyone else.

I'm not sure how I feel. I think pretty good overall. I was on a bit of a downer today, not sure why. I gave up coffee in the morning. I used to wake up all tired and bunged up and drink a heck of a lot of instant coffee to get myself going. I found out from a psychology lecture that a bunged up nose in the morning, for no reason, is actually a sign of caffeine withdrawal, and hey presto, I am indeed a lot better now. I wake up more alert.

Date: Friday ?17th January 2008

Lana House Internet, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 9:10pm

Spoke to A. yesterday; she seems OK.

--

Nope, date wrong. Wrote that yesterday and it's Friday *today*!

--

Dream (Retrospective, for 13th January (Sunday))

I was checking-out of some room and had to get all my bags sorted

Interpretation

Soon to be leaving Chiang Mai.

Dream (retrospective Tuesday ?14/15 January 2008

    I had to go back and study and live at my old upper school for some reason. There were some kids living in the room who had a respectful, standoffish attitude with me and  basically stayed away.

    I was busy with something and heard them whispering behind me that I'm really big and they sounded a little bit in awe of me.

Interpretation

    I don't really have a choice but to go back  to the UK but I'm spiritually a lot stronger than I once was.

Dream Wednesay ?16/17th January 2008

The stock market went down for the next two years?

Interpretation

Literal? It's a very vaguely remembered dream.

 Date: Friday 18th January 2008

Lana Guest House and Internet, Chiang Mai, 9:21pm

I just realised, after all the times I wasn't sure what the date was, that it's actually here on the screen at the top, as I type into Google docs now.

Did I say I bought shares in Google. Only a few days ago. I dumped the hbos that my 'brother' lumbered with me; they'd lost over a thousand sterling. I know that they will come up, but it bothered me that I hadn't actually chosen them.

Of course, there's a huge Dow sell off just as I get them (Google shares I mean), but that's fine, because I chose them myself, and also, I can see it's a good company. Just today there are press releases about their altruistic divisions, which are run to similar lines as their for-profit divisions.

 I really looked forward to coming here and typing this. I'm in a routine of being at Sad Kan Kew about six, then I walk back here where I can type dear diary leaning back in an arm chair with the keyboard on my lap. Yes, I do relish spending a little time in the evening with my greatest and dearest friend. You never do get tired of listening to my whining do you, my dear, dear diary? I don't know what I'd do without you.

Can I have a little moan now? Will you complain if I do? Of course not, my silent and always there for me companion.

OH GOD, I'm sick of the dogs in this place. I walk home, by various routes in the evening, and the dogs pick me out as different from the locals. Today my heels were snapped at by about five little ones, but there's another place where a huge black dog sees me and comes racing to the end of its metal gate snarling. The first time it happened, because it's in such a quiet alley, two passing girls on a bike nearly fell off. I'm constantly on edge because of it.

The best thing about Thailand is also the worst thing about Thailand, namely, the very laid back attitude of the people. Most of the time it's great, because they just don't get so upset about things, they just kind of flow. Of course, the negative side of this is that no one ever complains about this kind of thing.

I can always think of 'The Finchley Mantra'. If you're not happy here, you can fly right back to Finchley right now, or any time you want'.

So it's a gratefulness mantra too.

 Ugh. Sitting in the bus stop outside Waitrose, eating cold tinned food on the way to the French hostel, sitting in the corner it Whetherspoon, wondering around Sainsbury and sitting outside in the car-park trying to peel an orange with my shivering fingers.

It's no joke, really. I wake up and start my practice, the refuge vow, take the precepts etc. I'm mindful and I come back to the room every afternoon to meditate, but being mindful I notice that these negative daydreams are almost constant now (when I'm not thinking about J). They all have the same basis of injustice at the hands of sadistic and arrogant people. I think it's time to perhaps face up to how much I'm not wanting to go back. I guess I have to as it's part of the plan. I really have to change my name, get a UK issued passport, try and get OU funding. But I think if it's going to be as bad as that, then I should perhaps make it as soon as possible. Perhaps I could be in and out in ten days? Pay extra to get the passport quickly. Don't bother with ebay. Put the coins at a dealers. Don't buy anything except the scanner, which I really need.

I've done so much work here. But I think when I leave, that I should think about nothing except the plan, and then do the oracle and just take a lot of advice. I mean, the thought of everything gets me down. Even going up to Newcastle. I just don't want to do it. Maybe I could even get my passport in Hong Kong, then I could make it four days? Or, dare I even say, just have the box sent out? Perhaps I could sell coins in Hong Kong? Use someone else to sell them? I don't know.

I worried today also about the long boat trip. I got an email from Forest Cafe in Jinghong, where I'd asked about a room. They want 17US so I took advice on the Internet and it's over-priced, but then again, I'll arrive tired and I'd have somewhere to go. I pay about 8 US now, but that's especially good value. I asked the I Ching and it said I should book the room. So I'll just have a think, and then reply to the email.

Saturday 19th January 2008

Internet@ChiangMai (used to be the old French restaurant) 9:56pm

Managed to get over to Chiang Mai Arcade Bus Station today and got my ticket. Definitely leaving here Monday now, and have the Jinghong (overpriced) reservation. I didn't think I'd get to the point, but I am actually looking forward to going now. I mean, I'd like to stay, but I'm basically not looking forward to going beyond Chiang Rai. Gins Guest House was very, very overpriced, but if I leave at five and have already agreed to stay there, there's not much I can do. Also, the hut is kind of novel I suppose, but it was cold and dim and a bit damp and it kind of got me down New Years Eve. God, it's just one night, and there's a kind of eating place in Chiang Saen I can try I suppose. Maybe I'll look for a book tomorrow. I finished In This Very Life but got it too stained to take it back without feeling guilty. But DN has a shelf for books, so perhaps someone else can make use of it.

 The things I do and get up to are here in Chiang Mai are and aren't so dissimilar to the first time I was here. Of course, there was no Internet, and I wonder exactly how I ever managed to get through my time. Yes, I drank of course. But I spend a lot of time in the evening not knowing where to eat, just like the first time. It's a better place now, there's more here, like the shopping centres. Perhaps I just got better at finding places? I doubt it though because I recall I had a decent map last time and I did used to go on long walks to places, like the zoo and Wat Jet Yot.

I went to www.audiodharma.org, the best place on the net for podcasts. I have millions now, and a one gig card to put them on, and I have a seris of ten podcasts which cover an anaspatasi (or whatever) retreat, lectures and guided meditations. So, my fifteen hours on the boat can perhaps be a semi-retreat. Like when I walk to Sad Kaen whatever. I'm mindful there and back, and it's about twenty five minutes either way. I do notice my mind jumping forwards and backwards and become impatient to arrive, and I just pull it back to the present and my breath.

I think on the boat I can just try and stay present and accept where I am? I'll have three or four food treats which I can space out. I'll maybe get a news-magazine, which I haven't had for a good few years. Perhaps a book here? I don't know.

I have to get tax forms to the bank as interest was paid on my current account, it was only a pound, but I realised it wasn't registered for tax. It's paid the last day of March, so fair chance I'll be in the UK then anyhow.

 

It'll be good to move on, really. I have somewhere to go and a plan. I'm not just here with nothing.

I haven't had a conversation really, not for a while. It's hard to speak to A. because somehow, there's just a lot of pain in me when we phone. I don't know. I'm going to eat now. Thanks for listening, dear diary, even when I don't have so much to say.

I wish you had a form and we could meet and perhaps go and eat and it was just like it is now, where I can say anything and you only ever listen to me. Perhaps you'd want to say something too... but you never do. It would be you with me and us looking at the stars. Would you like that? Come soon and let's meet.

Date: Monday 21st January 2008

Internet At Chiangmai, Chiang Mai. 11:20am.

Checked out today. A slightly strange feeling after two months in the same place. The females weren't there, so the guy, being a guy and a typical one that doesn't say so much (such as myself), didn't really say anything. So, no hard goodbyes. Of course, this slightly strange feeling of moving on is one I'm well used to.

I just texted Gins to say I'm on the way and shall see her tomorrow. I'm having second thoughts about the price now. 4000B, about the same as flying, and there are no ways to compare the price to anywhere. I think the room there was really poor value also, so I'm likely paying over the odds. The money I have now is the last of what was in my own esavings when I left the UK, so I haven't actually touched anything I got from M. but I will have to in China.

I made a 'Follow Your Star' feed, just to put the best of the things I create in one place. I don't know if it's a mistake, but I noticed that there are four subscribers, so I'll have to make sure I write of substance, and not too much whining. But work-wise, I'm completely... I don't know, hooked up, or is that the wrong word? My diary goes straight to blog, well, retrospectively, via email and to my new centralised web site, which contains basically everything I have on the Internet right from when I started using it, and all the copied diaries are also online. The website also has sections about my new projects, The Magic Buddha, basically explaining my current spiritual practice and how it evolved. This comes with diagrams and pictures which also has it's own section and will go in the Follow Your Star feed as I create things. I have plans to make that an audio-book also and a separate practice book.

Also in the spirituality section, I have separate 'nuggets of wisdom' that occur to me as I travel and Follow My Star, which are superimposed over my pictures, these go in a separate section of the site and also into the FYS feed. By pictures, I mean my travel photography.  Eventually these will become a separate book, and also a google tool which will display them in a rotating way. My vague plan is to have 365 so there can be a piece of wisdom every day. Also, The Magic Buddha comes with a separate practice book for people who want the technique laid out.

The FYS feed is also slowly becoming a separate ezine/newsletter. The website had a message board, but I messed it up, but I'll look for another one. This entire thing is contained on about 60% of one SD card (1GB) which is weird, I mean to look at it and realise that there's years of work on there.

After visiting the UK, dharma willing, I'll be able to upload all of the negatives going right back to when I started photography, that way I don't need the negs, and I won't need the cd's. The idea is to own either absolutely nothing other that what I can carry, or to have just one small folder. This will contain, certificates (birth, academic), J ring and one set of J slides, will and cancelled passports in case I need to ever prove where I've been all this time.

I bought a little bag yesterday. It's kind of a black shoulder thing. I want it to keep the things I need for the trip rather than use my battered Sainsburys Bag For Life. But on a day-to-day basis, I usually just walk around with my big bag, and it's a pain. This bag can just be worn all the time and usually it will just have a pen, notebook, a few bits in, and it's smaller than my full size one and looks nicer than a 7-11 carrier bag.

I started looking for one when I knew I wanted an eee pc. The one I have isn't ideal, but it will do until I get to UK, and was in the sale at just 200B.

Are you enjoying reading this. Of course you are dear diary. No, of course it isn't mundane inconsequential s**t, you are my dear diary and it's so much nicer chatting to you rather than some live human being who would keep paraphrasing, asking me questions (What colour is the bag?(Black!)) and then start telling me about their own inconsequential s**t.

 ---

Right, just done a spell check of this ready for posting. The plan now is, go and buy incense, buy two books I chose yesterday. Buy a toothbrush. Eat in Darat and clean my teeth. Go to the post office and send a letter to the bank with my tax forms in. Go to Arcade bus station, get the bus. Eat Greek salad in DaVinci in Chiang Rai. Check into room 415 at Chiang Rai Guest House. Come out and use the computer. Type up my notes and post this to blogger. Eat and sleep. Wake, use the atm, get the bus, go to Chiang Saen. Pay and eat and sleep. Get up at 3am and get the boat. Arrive and go to Forest Cafe. Use the atm. Check in. Look around, eat and sleep. Decide where I'm going in China, go there and extend my visa. Travel slowly to Hong Kong. Go to UK. Change my name, get a passport, enroll at uni. Come back, travel around between HK and China, write and publish two books (at least), finish the course and do another. Do an audiobook, newsletter, keep the feeds current. Send the books to publishers. Go to Japan and sort out the J situation. Travel back to UK for exams and enroll on courses again. Back and study. Get degree. Look for a job if the writing doesn't pay. Decide if I'll live as a lay person and find Nirvana or ordain and find it as a monk. See a doctor and get my blood checked. Find Nirvana and inspire people, or die trying and aim for the Pure Lands/Better rebirth.

This is all Dharma-willing of course... but at least there's some general direction. I'm grateful for the resources to be able to make a plan like this, whatever happens. I'm happy, here, and enjoy my moments. Praise the Holy Light!

Later: Cafe M?i, Chiang Rai

Made it up here. Very nice trip actually. I listened to two talks by Gill from Audiodharma, one on investigation, and one on Buddhist love (the Brahma Viharas). I also got a pulp fiction book before leaving and a dharma book. The dharma book was free distribution but they'd tippexed out the part that stated it mustn't be sold and were selling it. When I took it to the counter, they hadn't stamped it (moral dread?), so thought I was selling it and offered 30 baht. But I told them I'd got it off the shelf and so paid 100B for it. Mad. I was honest so that someone could charge me for a free dharma book. But, the second precept, which I recite every day (along with the other four) is to refrain from taking that which isn't given to me (though I'd probably always have done the same thing (why does conscience differ between people?).

I couldn't get the right price from the rickshaw (or tuk tuk I should say) so ended up walking to Arcade Bus Station. But I did manage to post the letter to the bank, J's card and a postcard to my father. I made the bus with about five minutes spare and walked straight onto it.

I had 1000B this morning. Where is it now? I think I have 200 or something. I had a coffee at Zest. Internet was free on my loyalty card. A fruit salad and coffee in Darat. WALKED to arcade. Books = 150, Greek salad (and stuff) 260, rent 180, did I drop some? That CAN'T be, as I split my 1000 in Darat when I already had the books. Ugh. Let me check the moneybelt --- nope, gone forever.

I listened to a new Geek podcast, which was quite good. Then I got off and splurged on my Greek salad at Da Vinchi. Then went to Chiang Rai Guest House and got my old room 415.

I do keep thinking about how expensive the boat ticket is, and how expensive the Gins room is. 400 for a little hut I hate. But it's only for a night, and I can't really get out of it as I agreed to stay there. Likely I won't go back that way anyhow, well, I will, but perhaps I'll stay the other place... or even make it down to Chiang Mai. Oh, but this is a long time off (or so it seems).

What I was going to mention was how much I was aware, when leaving DN, that it's the start of the journey back. Going onto Chiang Mai I was heading away from Hong Kong, with the intention of traveling. But when I left for Chiang Rai, it's north and north-east, and so I'm turning around.

What a trip man!

I just wanted to come and write this, so that basically I can post it via email and check that all works and I'm happy. Tomorrow, there's likely no web, none in Chiang Saen, and then blogger is censored in China and I don't know where there's a nice cybercafe in Hong Kong (though I might make an effort to find one away from the centre next time as I might be there a few days.

So, not sure when I'll be writing again, but fear not, I'm carrying on with the plan in China. Best wishes until next time!

2007 Dream Retrospective

It was an experiment this year to record dreams separately, but I don't think it works as well. So starting 2008 I'll go back to putting them into the diary text as I have them.  The date formats are inconsistent and some of this is a little disjointed, but they're here for the sake of completness.

 

 

No Commitment

I met this Caucasian woman that I really liked in a friendly way. We were kissing. It was still friendly rather than passionate, but I went down and started kissing around her groin. She pulled me up gently and smiled, saying that if I did that it showed too much commitment and she'd rather stay friendly, so it was better to kiss her mouth only.

Interpretation

Not much detail to go on, but probably just stating that I don't like to get so close to people.

Dreams of Last Night. I had a little dream after about an hour of sleep, but was really tired and just scribbled something down which I can barely read, but I'll include it anyway.

I was on the budget airline Easyjet with _________ (my notebook shows a straight line here. I don't recall it, but I imagine that would be Junko), and missed by (unreadable word) as had to go back for ticket.

I went into Kennsington (an expensive part of London) and it was pouring. I hid in a pub. (unreadable word) left phone number and the waiter called him/her (last word ambiguous).

Interpretation

Well I can't be sure what it was about. In my half-sleeping state I've also written three words at the end, which are: easyjet, missed, paged.

My guess is that it's about missing Junko, missing my chance, and now being hesitant to contact her or know about her, but secretly thinking of getting a third party to find out for me (technically known as stalking (what am I saying!!!)) (Just because you think about something doesn't mean you'd do it).

I had another dream just before waking proper, which was better remembered and better written down.

I was with my mother in her old house which is currently being sold. Somehow, perhaps because of me, she had been roped into cleaning an old piece of leather for someone. She was obviously clueless how to go about it and it made me laugh as her ametuerish attempts were quite endearing.

Interpretation

This one's much easier. For more than the last decade of her life, my mother did everything she could to support and encourage me. Now I'm left with pretty much nothing, just some last money and I have to try and study and build a life. As I'm doing this I've been starting to wonder whether it would have been better to have less support (read mollycoddling) and have to look after myself a bit more, then I would have perhaps achieved more along the lines of what I'm now trying to do at this stage.

But I was pretty weird, always, a lot of problems. Perhaps I wouldn't have coped at all. the fact is I'm still here at least. Mother didn't ask to have a son like me with all these issues and problems and wasn't an expert in knowing what to do, but did her best I suppose -- and the dream says to appreciate that rather than play a game of 'what if' or pushing blame around.

Friday, 23 February 2007

Oh forgot

It's my friend's birthday, which was why it was on my mind.

Lifes a Bowl of Strawberries

 

This isn't actually a new dream, but I was thinking about the earlier one of strawberries. I recall how, in a parable of the Buddha, a trapped man in a dire situation, eating a strawberry, teaches non-attachment. I know that story well, which might be why my mind used the symbolism.

Anyway, it's played on my mind, not played, but I have actually given that dream some thought, perhaps because it's so useful to me. This memory of leaving someone does cause me pain, and my mind or whoever, is trying to show me how to look at it, in a way that's healed. So I did actually write something, while sitting in a cafe mulling it over.

Life's a Bowl of Strawberries

Life's a bowl of strawberries. Most people go through their days with little bits of happiness scattered amid the mundane greyness of getting through the day – and luckily, most people are too busy to notice the darkness in the sky —or have enough alcohol to forget, and taste each nugget of transient joy in the empty wasteland as though it will last forever.

But every now and again, just once in a while, true bliss enters the greyness of a life, and it's colour is so bright, and it's taste so sweet, that the agony of the truth is overridden for a time --, that it's a part of the changing world and will change with it -- that luscious taste can only be in one moment in time – is unbearable. If only I'd realised at the time, the desert that we were in, that forever after I'd dream of the sweetness with a mouth burning dry – I'd have watched each moment minutely – and yearned to be free.

Oh Strawberry dessert enchantment, desert desserted, I am.

Thursday, 22 February 2007

Sabotaging Cult Spirit

 

I was staying in some place that was run by a religious cult. My alarm clock on the phone had been taken over by a spirit that was making sure it didn't go off on time. Now, I remember it as an evil spirit, though in my notebook I've only written down 'spirit'.

After I wrote that part, I remembered the part that came before it, which was that some people were lost and came to ask me directions to the youth hostel.

Interpretation

Well, the day I had this dream was the day I was planning to buy the first ticket of my epic journey to Asia, so it could be saying that there's a part of my mind which doesn't want to take risks and so is trying to sabotage it.

The Youth Hostel part lets me know that the dream is about travel.

Another thought is that I assosiate cults with being trapped, which is how I feel now.

As it turns out, I didn't get the ticket, even though the clock wasn't sabotaged. I left the hostel at eight and there just were'nt enough hours in the day to get everything done.

Though I'm intending to make a decision and buy the ticket before I leave London in two days.

Overall, it seems positive, that the dream is for my planned trip.

Monday, 19 February 2007

Junko Imanishi's Gifted Strawberries

 

Junko sent me a gift through the post, which arrived at my Aunt's house. I was so happy that I junped up and down for joy. I knew that I could finally tell people how much I love her rather than not mention it.

I ran out into the garden and opened the beautiful box, and realised, with some surprise, that the gift was actually fresh strawberries.

I imagined her picking them out and deciding to risk sending them, even though they're fresh, and was kind of disappointed that it was something that I couldn't keep forever. Then I just decided to eat them and enjoy the moment -- because most of all I was overjoyed that she had contacted me at last.

Interpretation

Not being able to talk about these strong feelings is harder now that I don't hear from her.

I think possibly it relates to something I'm planning. When we were in Perth, I took some negatives and transparencies of our times together. I risked having the negatives printed so that I could send her a set, though I was worried of damage as they're so precious. It turned out OK though.

Because I'm trying to leave the UK now I'll have to put them in storage, and I never did dare get around to having the transparencies scanned. Perhaps because, well no, really because they mean so much to me, they also contain the best picture I ever took. Of her in Victoria Youth Hostel, cutting a piece of cheese for our breakfast, with really fantastic light falling accross her.

I'm thinking of finally scanning them tomorrow; once they're digitised, they're much safer I guess. I think the strawberries show that sometimes in life, you have to enjoy things with an open hand, because there's nothing that lasts forever; you can't eat your strawberries as well as have them, and perhaps I should just have them scanned without feeling sad and missing her but just being glad of the experience of having met her?

 

 

 

 11-4-7

 

I was on a moored river boat. There were some really weird weather conditions and the fish started going by in their millions in a different direction (against the current) and I could see them at the surface grasping for air.

    I realised how easy it would be for me to catch one and so got some bait sorted out, but then wasn't sure if I actually wanted one -- i.e. was it ethical, or even desirable, to have one?

 

Interpretation

 

This dream came true. I was in Yangshou and the Li river where I used to sit was the same as in the dream. People kept coming all the time and tried really hard to speak to me, probably to practice English, but I was really non-chalant with them. So it must have been like swimming against the tide for them. But I spend a lot of time feeling bad when alone, but when I'm in a place meeting all the people I could want to, I don't like it and used to just ignore them and walk off.

 

Friday 13th April 2007

 

I was checking out of a hostel, but when I went to the room, there was a note there saying that the owners were away. In a nearby cybercafe I asked why the owners were away, and the people running the cybercafe said that the hostel owners do this (are away) all the time. There was a guy there who said he'd help me break in. We went upstairs. He thought it was a locker that I needed to get into, and I explained that it was into my room and he was still OK with it.

    We got up there and there was someone else also locked out.

    Just then the owners turned up and I warned them that the guy was helping me so that he wasn't in trouble.

    Then I was in a kind of shower that was next to a lake; the shower was open and on the side of a building. I looked at the water in the lake, and decided that though it looked nice, it would be far too cold to go in.

    I curled up and it was a bit like being in a womb. Some really little kids came and nearly jumped in but I managed to stop them.

    I felt warm and safe and enclosed.

 

Interpretation

 

I guess just saying that I feel safe, in the kind of places I live in?

 

 15 04 07 

 

I was with Junko. We were going to Japan to live together. She was telling me about a serialised drama on TV she had watched and really enjoyed.

 

Interpretation

 

Snippet.

 

14 May 07

 

I was on the banks of the Li river talking to someone or doing something, I don't recall what.

 

Interpretation

 

I remembered this dream in the middle of a conversation with a student, actually sitting where I'd dreamt, and felt grateful right there, in the middle of the conversation. Grateful, I suppose, for my connection in this way.

 

 3-5-7

 

I was in a UK school with a blind friend. I told him that I was at the school thirty years ago and a load of foreign students had asked me to help them with their English. Now I was here all these years later and it was happening again.

    I executed a frog.

 

INTERPRETATION

 

    I always felt more at home with foreigners, and spent much of my life trying to be around them.

    I think the part about the frog refers to the religious studies I was doing at the time. That I was dissecting them means I look at the things I read (much of it exoteric (not sure if that's the right word, I mean the external practice of religion without direct divine experience) and obvious silliness by people who had no idea about spirituality but started religions anyway, which somehow resonated with other people who have no practical spirituality about them either). 

 

 Dream 31-05-07

 

I was on a bed halfway between where I live (at the time) and where I work in Riverside Restaurant. It was a bed in the road. I lay on it and looked to who it belonged to so I could pay them for laying on it. They weren't around so I decided to lay there anyway and pay later.

    I sat up on the bed and used the computer which was at its foot. There were remnants of a poker game I used to pay, plus something I think vaguely was to do with the tenants of my aunt's shop. I think I was deleting them.

 

Interpretation

 

I used to play poker for five pounds (well once), but now I'm investing the inheritance online, so it shows that difference.

 

The bed shows my sleeping problems (very bad) and the metered bed means that time is money (as I have to make it before going broke now).

 

Not sure about the Asians. Either it's literal and A's tenants will be leaving, or it could be reiterating something I've though quite a lot, and that is that I'm really glad that I'm in China and not India right now; it was the right time to get out of there.

 

5th June 2006 (Junko (leaving Yangshou))

 

I was in France and went to where Junko is living. We met and I agreed with her that I'd got pretty obsessed with her. She was living with someone else now and was very different.

 

Interpretation

 

Having possibly found Junko online, I'd have to wake up from the past dream and actually accept change and impermanence.

 

8th June 2007 (Nanning)

 

I dreamt that I woke up and my arm was dislocated -- but then I looked and it was kind of partly out the socket without pain, -- and it kind of went back in.

    I woke up and all was fine.

 

Interpretation

 

Fear (literal) as it does (or did) actually dislocate sometimes.

 

?18th (Sunday) June Hanoi 

 

I entered some kind of historic tunnels where the Jews had escaped from something with the help of ???'

 

Interpretation

 

Leaving Hanoi, light worry.

 

Separate dream, I think the same night

 

Someone said I'd put weight on

 

Interpretation

 

Literal

 

 23 June 2007 (1st day in Nha Trang)

 

I was in a room somewhere in a kind of holiday complex. The manager was the owner of Green hotel in Pokhara, Nepal - but in the dream it was just some generic place.

    I was about to go looking for a place to live, but the manager convinced me to stay high up in a hut for 600 of some unspecified currency.

    I  was then outside the room and saw some mechanical animal with large eyes that looked kind of grotesque

 

Interpretation

 

About to go an look for a room. Perhaps... the mechanical grotesqueness means my avoidance of certain things is just mechanical past conditioning. [Not sure about the second part of the interpretation; possibly some part of the dream was deleted]

 

2nd July 2007

 

I was living in a hotel in some unspecified place. There was a redheaded woman who wanted an affair but I gave out closed signals.

    I noticed that she was touching herself, then she slowly edged towards me. She said that she hated travelling alone -- so I said it would be OK and I would date her just for now -- but it was awkward as I had been about to leave, but thought that I could at least stay another day or so.

    We went out and there was a fast food-shop where I think she worked. There had recently been some complaints about it.

    We went into this shop on a hill. I wandered off by myself , but there was a kid who followed me without me knowing, and then I was in trouble as he was lost for a moment  [can't take responsibility!]

    At the start of this dream, I was out with A. along the Kettering Road. I felt OK but missed M and wished I was with her instead.

 

Interpretation

 

    Bit too deep. I think showing that A is a lot to do with my avoidance tendencies.

 

?Friday 6th July 2007

 

    I was on a bus going to a new place. We went through the city gates and arrived at a hotel. It was really busy so I went into this busy room where everyone was preoccupied watching something -- so I just found an empty bed  and lay down.

    I slept and went to check in retrospectively. It was OK and the guy already knew that I was there. He said that the rent was only '100 for 3 days'; I don't know what currency that was, but I do know that it was a good price.

    I went back to bed. There was someone in mine, so I slept elsewhere.

    We were then being given jobs. There was some kind of salesperson job that was being arranged. It involved taking a fast boat to Mumbai and being involved in sales or something. It involved receiving a free laptop; so I was pretty happy about it.

    Then there was a flashback to when the bus arrived at the city gates. This vehicle was so overloaded with things that something fell off the top of the vehicle when it arrived.

    Then it went forward in time. I was going to bed. Someone was in my bed. I looked up to one that had a folding mirror.

    But I ended up on a bed by the door which was raised, unlike my previous mattress on the floor, and I realised it was better.

 

Interpretation

 

Finding a more permanent situation, the possible desirability of doing so.

 

 ?17 July 2007 (Tuesday) Nha Trang Vietnam

 

I was semi-permanently living in China with a partner. We were getting on OK and a little romantic together -- bit it was time for me to leave. I think I decided to leave my shoes behind.

    I went out on a balcony. She'd packed things up there. I went further down by a lake surrounded by people fishing. I looked out to the hundreds of fishing floats on the water, and they were all getting bites. Someone cast their line up and caught a bird.

    Behind me, people started clapping and cheering as an Australian couple arrived on a motorbike doing a huge leap off a bridge. They overshot and accidentally entered a building, but emerged laughing through another set of doors at the front. I noticed that they were dressed as bride and groom

 

Interpretation

 

If I ever met someone, it could be a transient, on the fact that I'll never settle down.

 

 Friday 20th July 2007 Vietnam

 

Note: remembered at Nha Trang Post Office, I'd previously woken up and recalled it, then went to sleep, concentrating on the memory, and it came back to me.

 

    I went to Junko's house and delivered a letter, thinking that if she replies and wants to know me, then it's ok, and if not and I hear nothing, then that's OK also.

    I walked away and after some time, was attacked by a dog.

 

Interpretation

 

    I'm happy go lucky and try not to be hurt or clinging, though I suppose the dream says that I somehow feel that there's some cruelty present in not letting me know how things are (though that could well be kindness).

 

30-7-7

 

I was lost?

    I was in a room with a witch who had sent out a magic 'familiar' black cat that had been sent out and now, the witch was burning incense as she saw through it's eyes as it tracked a 'shot from the past'.

    I asked her for directions, kind of, 'to the future'. She explained where to go. There was a map and I showed her my understanding of where I was now and where I was to end up. I had to go along a path that ran parallel to a forest.

    I'm not exactly sure of the sequence -- but I think I had arrived at my destination. It was like a carpark/forecourt to a building, linked to a kind of enclosed-type hotel, enclosed in that the rooms looked in on each other.

    I was living just around the corner. I lay down on the floor as home wasn't far away. There were some kids near me. I looked up at the types of rooms and realised that there were quite a few rooms with windows.I realised it would be quite nice to stay and know that I might in the future.

    I suddenly felt  threatened by the people around me, but when I looked the older intimidating people had left, there were just a few younger kids. I felt safe and so lay down and settled in for the night.

 

Interpretation

 

Being haunted is the loneliness. Not sure about the magic, but it probably shows a psychic link to J? the times I'd known what she's doing and have seen her etc.

    The forecourt is considering a different way of being i.e. getting to know some people. The intimidating people are gone -- i.e. a few ghosts that stopped me knowing people are gone -- and looking at the windows is thinking that it might be more fun to know some people. Sleeping there means considering being different at the moment, without taking the actual plunge.

 

 2-8-7

 

I was in a place where ... smoking herbal medicine was legal, but chose not to.

 

Interpretation

 

I recite the precepts daily and live by them, so it just refers to this.

 

?4th August 2007 Nha Trang Vietnam

 

    I was on a train that arrived somewhere -- then seemed to carry on somewhere else, but actually was only being shunted forward a little way, so we were actually already there. I got off with everyone else and was l little angry at having been waiting longer than I'd needed to to get off the train.

    I got out and went to a cinema and was pleasantly surprised that 'Dharma Bums' was showing.

 

Interpretation

 

    Junko Imanishi gave me that book to read when we were in Perth as her brother had given it to her.

    I suppose the train is my constant train of thought (about her) and that the practice of Buddhism might be a way out?

 

Monday 13th August 2007 - Nha Trang - Vietnam

 

     I was in an office, sitting in a queue waiting for transport. It moved forward and I pushed my chair forward, then realised people were leaving to join the vehicle, and so went out and started walking.

     I got really badly lost and ended up holding onto vegetation, climbing down a mountain looking at a police post and thinking that I would have to ask them to call me a taxi.

     When I'd descended I realised I was just near to where I needed to be so was OK. I sat with the fellow passengers in the middle of the road. I knew I was in the right place because I saw on the map, or knew somehow, that the British Council was just up the street.

     Then we were all in a plane. It was a light-aircraft that flew relatively close to the ground. We  went past the land and headed out to the ocean. Because it was over featureless sea, there was the illusion that we were going slow. I made the joke to the passengers around me that it would be quicker if I walked, and everyone laughed.

 

Interpretation

 

     Leaving for the... where ever I was going, is my new life plan. Getting lost shows that state I got stuck in in the UK too long. Ending up as I did in the dream is now knowing what I'm doing. But it all takes a long time. Incidentally, The British Council is where I might end up taking the exams.

 

 Friday 17th August 2007 Nha Trang Vietnam

 

     I was in a cafe and tried to order an ice coffee. The first boy said that they just didn't do them, so I showed him the menu showing it. But he still said no and wouldn't give me a reason -- even though I'd seen his colleague make one for someone else.

     Then, still there, I got a reply to an email. It was from the British Council. I'm not sure if all of it was from the British Council, or another email form another source which was something about dating. The one from the British Council was about exams. The other was (or that one) was asking me to send a 'photo negative' of myself?

     I left to go and find another place for coffee.

     I passed a church and there were prayers for someone directed to a saint. It was explained that the saint had previously answered someone's prayer by combining his power with that of an angel -- so now they were praying for someone else -- and mentioned this person's name. Possibly Mark?

 

Interpretation

 

Possibly a 'photo negative' is what I could be, potential which is as yet undeveloped.

 

26th August 2007 Nha Trang

 

     I was studying about my about my medical condition in DSM, then I realised that there are Asian versions of the same thing.

 

Interpretation

 

     Having this condition while living in Asia is isolating, but I have to remember that Asian people also can have problems like mine, and I should reach out and feel less isolated.

 

---

 

A Few Days Later

 

     I was arguing with someone exactly what it means to keep the precepts.

 

Interpretation

 

     Something I often wonder about, as I recite and vow them each morning as I put my beads on.

 

 

6 September 2007 - in a hotel during the overland trip to Cambodia

 

I couldn't sleep and felt a presence in the room. I came out of my body OBE and it was dark but I could see my body in the bed. I expected to see some kind of ghost or something because of the presence I had picked up while falling asleep, but it was actually just an evil atmosphere type thing. I decided to call on a higher power to pull me up into the sky and into a heavenly realm, so I raised my arms and asked for this, but suddenly shot down through the ground instead. I knew I'd end up somewhere not so nice, but also knew that it wouldn't last and so was quite blase and happy about it. I just said out loud, 'OK, I'll go down, but come and get me soon , I still choose the light!'

 

Interpretation

 

    I think that it was just bad vibes in that particular room as I'd had a disagreement with the management. Choosing the light, when the light is ready for me, refers to my increased acceptance and surrender.

 

 

 Monday 17th September 2007

 

     I got a letter from J. In it here were some photographic transparencies. There were some shots of her in a bathing suit, and also some repeating pictures of a red-haired guy whom I assumed was her husband/partner. In one of the pictures he was seated on a place and a few seats down there was an unidentified Asian woman who seemed to be connected to him in some unspecified say.

     I felt down (depressed), but had a budget ticket to South America booked. I didn't really want to go -- but considered it and realised that I'd be able to do a trip and see a lot of new countries, so I forced myself to go on.

     I was in a hotel and realised that I was late for the airport bus. I started flapping about but met some guy who was going to the same destination and realised that the bus hadn't arrived yet.

     Then I was on the plane. There was a small section at the back where you're allowed to smoke. I extinguished a cigarette in someones food, but I don't think she was so bothered -- it was waste food in a bag.

 

Interpretation

 

     Still getting used to the reality, as opposed to the dream, that she really does exist and I really don't know how she is and she almost certainly forgot me!

     Going somewhere else is writing the book in China next year (possibly).

     I guess the waste is getting rid of what I don't need.

     ... could of course be literal, that she's with someone who isn't... wholly 'with' her, though I have to be very careful with that kind of thinking.

 

Thursday ?12th October, in Vientaine, Laos

 

    I went to Japan and paid J a surprise visit. Her husband turned up and we shook hands. He was Japanese and really friendly. There was a kind of party going on or something. She had a daughter now. She was in a back room and when informed I was there to see her, she sent a message that she didn't want to see me and started throwing out all the stuff I had ever sent her.

     I insisted on seeing her. She came and was icy cold and fuming mad;. I said hello and it was obvious that she wanted nothing more to do with me -- so I turned and left, forever.

 

Interpretation

 

Pretty much the first openly negative dream I've ever had about her. Perhaps my mind is allowing this possibility, now that I'm waking up a bit.

 

5th November 2007, Vientaine, Laos

 

     I was in a hotel room I'd just moved into but wasn't planning to actually stay there. There was some guy there that I really got on with. We discovered a kind of attractive place outside and he was really happy.

     I was travelling somewhere -- I think back to England. We passed through Delhi and I was really glad that I wasn't there anymore. There was an animal park paid for by Gandhi and a picture of a buffalo out the front, which he'd paid for because he loved the animals.

 

Interpretation

 

Don't know.

 

6 November 2007 Laos

 

I was passing a grassy area by a river where I knew a hotel manager had spoken to an effeminate boy. I wasn't sure if he was speaking to him for sex or just to be friendly, but it was marked on a map as a no smoking area.

     Then it was night and I was in the hotel where the manager worked, having an argument with the staff. They said I hadn't paid my rent but I had. I then found the receipt. It was ripped in half, but clearly showed the date and that I had paid. I was jubilant.

     I went out for a walk. The streets were a bit littered because previously there had been some kind of party or festival. A man was cleaning the street with a hose and my feet got splashed wet as I passed and I found that I was mildly irritated.

 

Interpretation

 

Don't know.

 

 31 October 2007

 

I was on a train with an injured dog I'd adopted, and I was talking to a vet. The handrail was broken and I found it difficult to hold on.

     The train stopped. Suddenly, I was with someone and we saw a sign for a veterinary surgery, so we bought special tickets that we needed to get out of the station, but then were informed that there was no vet there. The ticket woman gave us directions to another vet in the opposite direction 'just beyond the racetrack'. I think the man just walked off.

     I started to walk off to find the vet. I put the dog down and it started running around. I was a bit worried but it seemed happy. Another dog came that was someone's pet and I petted it.

 

 Interpretation

 

     Putting down the J. obsession a bit?

 

 

Towards the end of Nov, in Nong Khai, Thailand

[Note: Had been ill with recurring throat sensations]

 

I was spitting blood everywhere, some of it thick and congealed.

 

Interpretation

 

Health worries.

 

 

Friday 16th November 2007

 

     I was with J in France and we were moving in together now. I'm not sure, but I think that it was on the understanding that it was only for a week or something.

     I got there and it was idyllic and perfect. There was gentle, classical music playing and she'd lit millions of white candles all equally spaced out over the whole room to be romantic and she looked and me and smiled and looked beautiful.

 

Interpretation

 

     Either the magic can work, or it has in the past.

         Go!

 

Same day, remembered later.

 

     There were some people looking at me and judging my health.

     They said you can judge a person's health by the whites of their eyes. They looked at mine and said I was (am) Ok.

 

Interpretation

 

The second dream I had that my health is OK, the first being Guangzhou when I first started the trip.

 

 Sangha Day 25-11-07 Thailand

 

     There was some reason for me to make a voting choice in the UK elections and I told someone that it's irrelevant as I've never been British.

 

Interpretation

 

Literal.

 

27-11-07 Chiang Mai

 

I phoned Gins Guest House about the boat to China and was told that there was some problem.

 

Interpretation

 

[Writing this two months later]. Hope not, as I'm booked to go the end of January.

 

Sunday 9th December 2007 - Chiang Mai

 

I was in Asia somewhere, mother and her partner had come to see me. They came out of a restaurant and we said hello, then went looking for somewhere to eat proper.

 

I ended up on a bus going back to Europe (somehow). It got really cold and snowed. People shivered and changed into warmer clothes, but I wasn't so bad and I was surprised that is was so uncomfortable for people.

 

The bus stopped and we all went into the toilet. I had to wait outside a cubicle for someone to finish. I caught my reflection in a mirror and noticed that my fat distribution was groqesque and I was completely wasp-waisted.

 

I realised that I'd have to go back and see M&A. I did so, and they'd found a restaurant they liked, but I didn't. I was polite, but realised that I would just sit there rather than eat.

 

Then I started looking for a flight back to Europe and I found an airline going called 'Bee".

 

Then I suddenly remembered that M. is dead and none of it matters.

 

Interpretation

 

Mother coming to Europe is her doing her own thing. Mother and myself completely did our own things in life.

 

Going on the cold bus is me traveling Asia completely alone in a way that would bother most people.

 

The wasp-waisted part is my disease, and how it contributes to my isolation.

 

Not sure about the plane. I think it means that I realise that M. is gone and so I can just go where I want to --- including deciding not to go to Europe next year (don't get me thinking!)

 

26th December 2007

     

I was with Jason at M's old house and we were going to town to meet Simon.

 

Interpretation

 

Snippet

 

27th December 2007

 

I was in an amusement arcade, really enjoying playing computer poker. I was only playing the free version. I know that I was supposed to put money in at some point, and actually gamble -- but didn't really want to risk it.

 

I met Nemia after all this time. She said that it had been so long and it was too hard to stay in touch, so we hadn't seen each other, but she'd always maintained an interest in magic, and I saw she was writing in a book about the magic she was currently studying and practicing.

 

 Interpretation

 

I avoided all love risks.