Dream: 3rd January 2008
I went to the restaurant counter and said that I only wanted a drink and was told that the counter was only for food order and that I would have to use the waitress. I complained that they were ignoring people, though actually they were just standing there and all I had to do was ask.
Interpretation
Life is a lot easier when you're older, but you do need to go out and aim for the things you want, and also contact people who can help you.
Friday ?5th January 2007
I went to the toilet and some kids started harassing me.
I went through immigration control. I had a passport, though my entry stamp was actually a name change document. The woman immigration officer looked at it was said it was fine.
I had the thought that I'd changed my name to something that was OK but I didn't love, and so it would be temporary for the life of my passport.
Then I'd arrived at a ????? for the third time. First time I'd stayed at an Indian hotel. The second I'd had to stay at a different Swedish place for some reason. Now I was back a third time and wanted to stay at the Swedish place by choice. I had a map but couldn't find it. Darren was with me and I asked him if he could remember where it was.
Interpretation
I think the kids harassing me shows a kind of spiritual maturity that's come about on this trip. I used to have to have life a certain way or at least the possibility of it and that chance of J and I being together, and as it worked out, we weren't together -- but now I think about always being alone and never having a house or a home. It's not great, but I can accept it and still feel gratitude.
Changing my name is literal. One of the reasons for going back to the UK is to do this, but I haven't got an idea for a name which I'll always want to be known by, and again, perhaps I should just accept this; I'm ever changing and ever growing and so can never be one person with one name in one place and that's just who I am.
The 'third time arriving' is the UK, as if I go in 2008, then it will be the third return from a long trip. I always went back very much attached to India... and still very much feel that way, but perhaps this is saying that it won't be like now. I know a bit more about where to go now and how to fit in.
Wednesday ?8th January 2008
I was on a personal mission to help stray and unwanted dogs. I went out and it was nighttime and I came to a huge patch of sand. It seemed completely deserted. When I looked closely I could see the outline of a buried dog. I coaxed it and it came up and kind of shyly growled and I was kind of a little bit scared.
All of a sudden, loads of dogs started coming up out the the sane. All of them shyly growling. I had the emotion of both wanting to help them but also being scared.
Then a large bus came and picked me up. It was kind of a huge trailer-home affair, full of people who had dedicated themselves to the same task of saving the unwanted dogs. There was a woman in charge who prayed at a shrine which wasn't specifically Christian but wasn't Buddhist either. I decided that it was kind of a universal/non-denominational shrine, and that it would be OK for me to light incense and pray there also, and that I could still get peace and good karma.
Then I was in a shop. I think my Aunt and niece might have been there. My brother phoned up and I spoke to be civil to him, but then was kind of angry that he'd managed to get past my resolution of never speaking to him again. I told him straight that I didn't want to know him and was only interested in how mother was.
Interpretation
This is a dream about isolation. The first part shows I can help and be altruistic thought groups I wouldn't usually associate to, i.e. the Christian and animal helpers, though this could just be one possible example in the dream. Perhaps I should think of animal charities?
... but being friends with my brother is going too far. I think it means, I could reach out and contact people by being altruistic in this way, and yes there's the risk of meeting people who aren't worthy of my time, but then I have to have self-esteem and draw the line.
Friday 11th January 2008
Well, not so much news, though I've been busy. I've actually achieved so much in Chiang Mai, almost all of the work on my website.
I got sick of looking at the HBOS shares that G got. They lost over two thousand dollars since the markets slipped. I know you're supposed to buy and hold... but I didn't buy them! If it was my own loss I'd just accept it. It was irritating as the investments I'd chosen myself are OK. So, I kept 500 sterling of hbos and bought Google, and a Global Smaller Company fund, and I have 700 left to invest. I'm bullish on Asustek and Intel, VMED, and some other secret stuff.
I was ill recently. I was walking home and suddenly felt so weak. My stomach went and I had an awful fever. I lay in bed in pain from the cold. My fingers were like ice. I got better yesterday, though there's a rash and spots over my arm.
I phoned A. yesterday. She's fine. I mean... she's really fine. I got a text from C saying A would be back Wed, and she was. She sounded tired, but she's really there. I was thinking, she was mentally gone forever, but really, she was just fine, completely fine. So that's good news.
'bout it.
All's good.
Date: Saturday 12th January 2008. Chiang Mai.
Bit down today. Not really sure why. Couldn't get anything done.
One thing, I noticed on my walk, that I'm spending an awful lot of time daydreaming, well, sometimes, and I notice it's about the time I was stopped and searched in England, and other negative experiences there (basically all the experiences I ever had there). I think perhaps I'm getting apprehensive about having to go.
But the coins.
Date: Sunday 13th January 2008. Chiang Mai 10:00pmish
Managed to get a bit more done today. Perhaps I've been in one place too long? I don't know. I'm perhaps not massively looking forward to Jinghong. I'm starting to think that it will just be a backwater with not so many foreigners and not so much scene. I don't know. No way to get away from there.
I did realise, that it's double the price, but I can at least stay in some Buddhist place, at least for the first night. There's always the option of paying more for my passport quickly and only being there ten days or so? I don't know.
I'm going to write today to see about attending Jukai at Throssel and taking the precepts. You're supposed to have done the special precepts retreat, and I haven't; and God knows what they think of me there. But the I Ching thinks it's a good idea. I must at least email and see what happens.
Done it. Just sent this:
Dear Guest Department,
I'm writing to ask about the possibility of attending the Jukai precepts retreat this year.
I attended the introductory retreat in 2006 and came back to stay again a while later. I couldn't attend the precept weekend as it's in November and I was abroad. But I do take the precepts as part of my practice daily, and still say the kesa verse each morning. I've lived by the precepts pretty strictly and have been teetotal for two years.
I'm actually in Thailand at the moment, but am coming back around March 15th. If there was a space for me and it is possible, then I'd probably come up a couple of days before, and would confirm the exact arrival closer to the date.
I hope that this can be possible in some way, though I understand it's a popular time and perhaps you would like to give preference to people who managed to attend in November. I'll look forward to you letting me know either way.
Best wishes,
Tired... but can't sleep.
Monday 14th January 2008
Chiang Mai, Thailand. 7:40pm
A List of Things I'd do with More Money
- Give altruistically.
- Get a much smaller phone.
- See more countries and sometimes stay in middle-class rooms.
- Read more books and give them away.
- See a very gook private dentist.
- Get a karyotype.
- Get a top-notch camera.
- Put an ISBN on my books.
- Get a notebook computer and work more.
- Buy land with building permission and make something on it.
- Use a lawyer to change my nationality.
- Try running a hotel.
- Build a hotel.
- Have a boat to live on sometimes.
- Study for the degree of my dreams and fly to sit exams.
- Have a number of domains.
- Pay for web marketing/advertising.
Later
Changed cybercafes.
I'm still getting a fair bit done, kind of, but don't feel great. I am taking the last of the St. John's Wort. I couldn't find any here, not for want of trying. I guess I kind of did most of what I was trying to do here, work-wise. It's time to go perhaps, but I'm having second thoughts about Jinghong. I don't have so much of an alternative because I need to spend about six weeks there. If it wasn't there, it would have been Xian, which isn't much closer to where I'm going, though it might have been a very little bit cheaper? I could have flown straight to Kunming, but it would have cost as much as the way I'm doing it. I should just be happy I suppose.
I get overwhelming obsession though, I noticed; yes, you know what about. It's when I don't have enough to do. I realised today that dissatisfaction with being here has crept up on me. It's really samey and I've had enough.
I also notice, in my mind, that I'm preoccupied with daydreams about sadistic people, teasing me, hurting me, an ever-playing sequence of arrogant people taking advantage of me in various ways and I have a feeling during all of this of injustice, unfairness and powerlessness. I realised that it's my mind steeling itself to be in England. It's got to the point that I thought about just going for a week and getting the gold and not doing anything else I'd planned.
I still have a few weeks to work everything out. Perhaps I'll feel better about it all once I get moving and am somewhere new?Date: 16th January 2008
Lana House Internet, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 9:12pm
Finally made a start today, ordering the notes I've been taking for two years about the next non-fiction I want to write. I thought it would be so much work but it went OK, I perhaps did a third. A long way to go though.
I have to phone A. later. There's a load of post for me I think. That's basically why. I will be in China in exactly seven days, if all goes to plan, so it might be the last 'proper' conversation until I get there?
Received an auto reply from Throssel, as the monks are on retreat.
I walked home from this place the night before last and there was a guy of about fifty lying on the floor. He had obviously been just cycling along and lost consciousness. He had keys dangling from his pocket, so he wasn't some bum. I just stepped over him along with everyone else.
I'm not sure how I feel. I think pretty good overall. I was on a bit of a downer today, not sure why. I gave up coffee in the morning. I used to wake up all tired and bunged up and drink a heck of a lot of instant coffee to get myself going. I found out from a psychology lecture that a bunged up nose in the morning, for no reason, is actually a sign of caffeine withdrawal, and hey presto, I am indeed a lot better now. I wake up more alert.
Date: Friday ?17th January 2008
Lana House Internet, Chiang Mai, Thailand. 9:10pm
Spoke to A. yesterday; she seems OK.
--
Nope, date wrong. Wrote that yesterday and it's Friday *today*!
--
Dream (Retrospective, for 13th January (Sunday))
I was checking-out of some room and had to get all my bags sorted
Interpretation
Soon to be leaving Chiang Mai.
Dream (retrospective Tuesday ?14/15 January 2008
I had to go back and study and live at my old upper school for some reason. There were some kids living in the room who had a respectful, standoffish attitude with me and basically stayed away.
I was busy with something and heard them whispering behind me that I'm really big and they sounded a little bit in awe of me.
Interpretation
I don't really have a choice but to go back to the UK but I'm spiritually a lot stronger than I once was.
Dream Wednesay ?16/17th January 2008
The stock market went down for the next two years?
Interpretation
Literal? It's a very vaguely remembered dream.
Date: Friday 18th January 2008
Lana Guest House and Internet, Chiang Mai, 9:21pm
I just realised, after all the times I wasn't sure what the date was, that it's actually here on the screen at the top, as I type into Google docs now.
Did I say I bought shares in Google. Only a few days ago. I dumped the hbos that my 'brother' lumbered with me; they'd lost over a thousand sterling. I know that they will come up, but it bothered me that I hadn't actually chosen them.
Of course, there's a huge Dow sell off just as I get them (Google shares I mean), but that's fine, because I chose them myself, and also, I can see it's a good company. Just today there are press releases about their altruistic divisions, which are run to similar lines as their for-profit divisions.
I really looked forward to coming here and typing this. I'm in a routine of being at Sad Kan Kew about six, then I walk back here where I can type dear diary leaning back in an arm chair with the keyboard on my lap. Yes, I do relish spending a little time in the evening with my greatest and dearest friend. You never do get tired of listening to my whining do you, my dear, dear diary? I don't know what I'd do without you.
Can I have a little moan now? Will you complain if I do? Of course not, my silent and always there for me companion.
OH GOD, I'm sick of the dogs in this place. I walk home, by various routes in the evening, and the dogs pick me out as different from the locals. Today my heels were snapped at by about five little ones, but there's another place where a huge black dog sees me and comes racing to the end of its metal gate snarling. The first time it happened, because it's in such a quiet alley, two passing girls on a bike nearly fell off. I'm constantly on edge because of it.
The best thing about Thailand is also the worst thing about Thailand, namely, the very laid back attitude of the people. Most of the time it's great, because they just don't get so upset about things, they just kind of flow. Of course, the negative side of this is that no one ever complains about this kind of thing.
I can always think of 'The Finchley Mantra'. If you're not happy here, you can fly right back to Finchley right now, or any time you want'.
So it's a gratefulness mantra too.
Ugh. Sitting in the bus stop outside Waitrose, eating cold tinned food on the way to the French hostel, sitting in the corner it Whetherspoon, wondering around Sainsbury and sitting outside in the car-park trying to peel an orange with my shivering fingers.
It's no joke, really. I wake up and start my practice, the refuge vow, take the precepts etc. I'm mindful and I come back to the room every afternoon to meditate, but being mindful I notice that these negative daydreams are almost constant now (when I'm not thinking about J). They all have the same basis of injustice at the hands of sadistic and arrogant people. I think it's time to perhaps face up to how much I'm not wanting to go back. I guess I have to as it's part of the plan. I really have to change my name, get a UK issued passport, try and get OU funding. But I think if it's going to be as bad as that, then I should perhaps make it as soon as possible. Perhaps I could be in and out in ten days? Pay extra to get the passport quickly. Don't bother with ebay. Put the coins at a dealers. Don't buy anything except the scanner, which I really need.
I've done so much work here. But I think when I leave, that I should think about nothing except the plan, and then do the oracle and just take a lot of advice. I mean, the thought of everything gets me down. Even going up to Newcastle. I just don't want to do it. Maybe I could even get my passport in Hong Kong, then I could make it four days? Or, dare I even say, just have the box sent out? Perhaps I could sell coins in Hong Kong? Use someone else to sell them? I don't know.
I worried today also about the long boat trip. I got an email from Forest Cafe in Jinghong, where I'd asked about a room. They want 17US so I took advice on the Internet and it's over-priced, but then again, I'll arrive tired and I'd have somewhere to go. I pay about 8 US now, but that's especially good value. I asked the I Ching and it said I should book the room. So I'll just have a think, and then reply to the email.
Saturday 19th January 2008
Internet@ChiangMai (used to be the old French restaurant) 9:56pm
Managed to get over to Chiang Mai Arcade Bus Station today and got my ticket. Definitely leaving here Monday now, and have the Jinghong (overpriced) reservation. I didn't think I'd get to the point, but I am actually looking forward to going now. I mean, I'd like to stay, but I'm basically not looking forward to going beyond Chiang Rai. Gins Guest House was very, very overpriced, but if I leave at five and have already agreed to stay there, there's not much I can do. Also, the hut is kind of novel I suppose, but it was cold and dim and a bit damp and it kind of got me down New Years Eve. God, it's just one night, and there's a kind of eating place in Chiang Saen I can try I suppose. Maybe I'll look for a book tomorrow. I finished In This Very Life but got it too stained to take it back without feeling guilty. But DN has a shelf for books, so perhaps someone else can make use of it.
The things I do and get up to are here in Chiang Mai are and aren't so dissimilar to the first time I was here. Of course, there was no Internet, and I wonder exactly how I ever managed to get through my time. Yes, I drank of course. But I spend a lot of time in the evening not knowing where to eat, just like the first time. It's a better place now, there's more here, like the shopping centres. Perhaps I just got better at finding places? I doubt it though because I recall I had a decent map last time and I did used to go on long walks to places, like the zoo and Wat Jet Yot.
I went to www.audiodharma.org, the best place on the net for podcasts. I have millions now, and a one gig card to put them on, and I have a seris of ten podcasts which cover an anaspatasi (or whatever) retreat, lectures and guided meditations. So, my fifteen hours on the boat can perhaps be a semi-retreat. Like when I walk to Sad Kaen whatever. I'm mindful there and back, and it's about twenty five minutes either way. I do notice my mind jumping forwards and backwards and become impatient to arrive, and I just pull it back to the present and my breath.
I think on the boat I can just try and stay present and accept where I am? I'll have three or four food treats which I can space out. I'll maybe get a news-magazine, which I haven't had for a good few years. Perhaps a book here? I don't know.
I haven't had a conversation really, not for a while. It's hard to speak to A. because somehow, there's just a lot of pain in me when we phone. I don't know. I'm going to eat now. Thanks for listening, dear diary, even when I don't have so much to say.
I wish you had a form and we could meet and perhaps go and eat and it was just like it is now, where I can say anything and you only ever listen to me. Perhaps you'd want to say something too... but you never do. It would be you with me and us looking at the stars. Would you like that? Come soon and let's meet.
Date: Monday 21st January 2008
Internet At Chiangmai, Chiang Mai. 11:20am.
Checked out today. A slightly strange feeling after two months in the same place. The females weren't there, so the guy, being a guy and a typical one that doesn't say so much (such as myself), didn't really say anything. So, no hard goodbyes. Of course, this slightly strange feeling of moving on is one I'm well used to.
I just texted Gins to say I'm on the way and shall see her tomorrow. I'm having second thoughts about the price now. 4000B, about the same as flying, and there are no ways to compare the price to anywhere. I think the room there was really poor value also, so I'm likely paying over the odds. The money I have now is the last of what was in my own esavings when I left the UK, so I haven't actually touched anything I got from M. but I will have to in China.
I made a 'Follow Your Star' feed, just to put the best of the things I create in one place. I don't know if it's a mistake, but I noticed that there are four subscribers, so I'll have to make sure I write of substance, and not too much whining. But work-wise, I'm completely... I don't know, hooked up, or is that the wrong word? My diary goes straight to blog, well, retrospectively, via email and to my new centralised web site, which contains basically everything I have on the Internet right from when I started using it, and all the copied diaries are also online. The website also has sections about my new projects, The Magic Buddha, basically explaining my current spiritual practice and how it evolved. This comes with diagrams and pictures which also has it's own section and will go in the Follow Your Star feed as I create things. I have plans to make that an audio-book also and a separate practice book.
Also in the spirituality section, I have separate 'nuggets of wisdom' that occur to me as I travel and Follow My Star, which are superimposed over my pictures, these go in a separate section of the site and also into the FYS feed. By pictures, I mean my travel photography. Eventually these will become a separate book, and also a google tool which will display them in a rotating way. My vague plan is to have 365 so there can be a piece of wisdom every day. Also, The Magic Buddha comes with a separate practice book for people who want the technique laid out.
The FYS feed is also slowly becoming a separate ezine/newsletter. The website had a message board, but I messed it up, but I'll look for another one. This entire thing is contained on about 60% of one SD card (1GB) which is weird, I mean to look at it and realise that there's years of work on there.
After visiting the UK, dharma willing, I'll be able to upload all of the negatives going right back to when I started photography, that way I don't need the negs, and I won't need the cd's. The idea is to own either absolutely nothing other that what I can carry, or to have just one small folder. This will contain, certificates (birth, academic), J ring and one set of J slides, will and cancelled passports in case I need to ever prove where I've been all this time.
I bought a little bag yesterday. It's kind of a black shoulder thing. I want it to keep the things I need for the trip rather than use my battered Sainsburys Bag For Life. But on a day-to-day basis, I usually just walk around with my big bag, and it's a pain. This bag can just be worn all the time and usually it will just have a pen, notebook, a few bits in, and it's smaller than my full size one and looks nicer than a 7-11 carrier bag.
I started looking for one when I knew I wanted an eee pc. The one I have isn't ideal, but it will do until I get to UK, and was in the sale at just 200B.
Are you enjoying reading this. Of course you are dear diary. No, of course it isn't mundane inconsequential s**t, you are my dear diary and it's so much nicer chatting to you rather than some live human being who would keep paraphrasing, asking me questions (What colour is the bag?(Black!)) and then start telling me about their own inconsequential s**t.
---
Right, just done a spell check of this ready for posting. The plan now is, go and buy incense, buy two books I chose yesterday. Buy a toothbrush. Eat in Darat and clean my teeth. Go to the post office and send a letter to the bank with my tax forms in. Go to Arcade bus station, get the bus. Eat Greek salad in DaVinci in Chiang Rai. Check into room 415 at Chiang Rai Guest House. Come out and use the computer. Type up my notes and post this to blogger. Eat and sleep. Wake, use the atm, get the bus, go to Chiang Saen. Pay and eat and sleep. Get up at 3am and get the boat. Arrive and go to Forest Cafe. Use the atm. Check in. Look around, eat and sleep. Decide where I'm going in China, go there and extend my visa. Travel slowly to Hong Kong. Go to UK. Change my name, get a passport, enroll at uni. Come back, travel around between HK and China, write and publish two books (at least), finish the course and do another. Do an audiobook, newsletter, keep the feeds current. Send the books to publishers. Go to Japan and sort out the J situation. Travel back to UK for exams and enroll on courses again. Back and study. Get degree. Look for a job if the writing doesn't pay. Decide if I'll live as a lay person and find Nirvana or ordain and find it as a monk. See a doctor and get my blood checked. Find Nirvana and inspire people, or die trying and aim for the Pure Lands/Better rebirth.
This is all Dharma-willing of course... but at least there's some general direction. I'm grateful for the resources to be able to make a plan like this, whatever happens. I'm happy, here, and enjoy my moments. Praise the Holy Light!
Later: Cafe M?i, Chiang Rai
Made it up here. Very nice trip actually. I listened to two talks by Gill from Audiodharma, one on investigation, and one on Buddhist love (the Brahma Viharas). I also got a pulp fiction book before leaving and a dharma book. The dharma book was free distribution but they'd tippexed out the part that stated it mustn't be sold and were selling it. When I took it to the counter, they hadn't stamped it (moral dread?), so thought I was selling it and offered 30 baht. But I told them I'd got it off the shelf and so paid 100B for it. Mad. I was honest so that someone could charge me for a free dharma book. But, the second precept, which I recite every day (along with the other four) is to refrain from taking that which isn't given to me (though I'd probably always have done the same thing (why does conscience differ between people?).
I couldn't get the right price from the rickshaw (or tuk tuk I should say) so ended up walking to Arcade Bus Station. But I did manage to post the letter to the bank, J's card and a postcard to my father. I made the bus with about five minutes spare and walked straight onto it.
I had 1000B this morning. Where is it now? I think I have 200 or something. I had a coffee at Zest. Internet was free on my loyalty card. A fruit salad and coffee in Darat. WALKED to arcade. Books = 150, Greek salad (and stuff) 260, rent 180, did I drop some? That CAN'T be, as I split my 1000 in Darat when I already had the books. Ugh. Let me check the moneybelt --- nope, gone forever.
I listened to a new Geek podcast, which was quite good. Then I got off and splurged on my Greek salad at Da Vinchi. Then went to Chiang Rai Guest House and got my old room 415.
I do keep thinking about how expensive the boat ticket is, and how expensive the Gins room is. 400 for a little hut I hate. But it's only for a night, and I can't really get out of it as I agreed to stay there. Likely I won't go back that way anyhow, well, I will, but perhaps I'll stay the other place... or even make it down to Chiang Mai. Oh, but this is a long time off (or so it seems).
What I was going to mention was how much I was aware, when leaving DN, that it's the start of the journey back. Going onto Chiang Mai I was heading away from Hong Kong, with the intention of traveling. But when I left for Chiang Rai, it's north and north-east, and so I'm turning around.
What a trip man!
I just wanted to come and write this, so that basically I can post it via email and check that all works and I'm happy. Tomorrow, there's likely no web, none in Chiang Saen, and then blogger is censored in China and I don't know where there's a nice cybercafe in Hong Kong (though I might make an effort to find one away from the centre next time as I might be there a few days.
So, not sure when I'll be writing again, but fear not, I'm carrying on with the plan in China. Best wishes until next time!
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