Date: Sunday 25th November 2007
Location: Happy Net, near Hotel Pantawee, Nong Khai, North Thailand
Time: 10:55am.
Not an awful lot of time to write, as I'm flying out today. The retrospective is complete until I entered Thailand... so less than a month behind; perhaps I can write something later. Maybe that's something I can do on the plane, list what happened here, and then write it up later... health permitting (ugh, I'll talk about it later). I think I have the writing part of the diary sorted, but then it's the posting. I was really thrown when I ran out of space. But I think the whole diaries needed an overhaul anyway, so perhaps it's for the best?
I'm not hugely in the mood to write now. I like this cybercafe, though the machines are awfully slow, chip-wise rather than connection-wise. There have been a lot of communications problems; I'll write it up later. But I came here in the middle of it when I really needed to make a telephone call. I'd been ripped off elsewhere. I worked out that the flirty owner doesn't really have a clue about technology, but that was after I'd spent a couple of days here hanging around being part of this group. I tried to download Skype, well, I did, and that didn't work. Then her phone wouldn't connect. She offers a translation service and was doing someone's CV, but the English was awful. I was invited over and basically redid it for her, which was fun. Then, this other woman here seems to be offering a free acne service or something, so all these schoolgirls came in to be done. The first one was trying to flirt online with some guy from Birmingham and it was a strange couple of days here!
Anyway, as I have to go back to get transport to the airport, I'll just write quickly, what I actually wanted to say.
About J. of course. I woke up today, with her on my mind, almost my first thought. It's frustrating in a way. I thought today that if I could have a prayer answered, completely, I'd rather magically let go and never feel attachment again rather than see her. That's how far I've come since the 'Vietnam surrender'.
I'll explain it all later, but the way things have worked out, I'm flying to Chiang Mai today. This was back in the bad old days before the diaries were on computer, but after I left Perth, it was December 14th (I think) when I flew out, and I wanted to bolt somewhere nice to get over it all and heal, so I shot through, from Singapore I had that Christmas in Hat Yai in South Thailand, Christmas dinner was Thai spring rolls in Soft Rock cafe!, then I made it up to Chiang Mai for New Year 1995. Twelve, thirteen years! I received the first of the post there, and the postcard that J's sister sent me. I had food poisoning also, I was unconscious on the floor for three days and didn't even know how long I'd been there until I went to pay the rent.
I often think, nowadays, how different it would be if I hadn't have bumped into her on that last night. Did I write it before? It's ironic (cruel?), when I realised she was sticking with her choice of someone else, I let go. I booked my flight and was going to fly out. She bumped into me and was the one who wanted to write and stay in touch. And all these years later, I fight daily to let go, something I'd already done. And I meditate and think, but can't stop that first thought coming into my mind.
Bah, whatever. I've got to go and get the bus. I'll write when I get there. One thing, I did an online test to check how open or closed your chakras are. Fifty odd questions and it works it out for you. I think, perhaps, it's quite accurate. Perhaps I should look into this more?
I include it for completeness.
I'm not so worried about the flight, at the moment. I'm much better in that way. I got my fear of flying leaving Perth. Funny, no?
Tuesday 27th November 2007
Chiang Mai - Thailand
Can't get the chakra graph online, I think perhaps it's not a picture but a program. Anyway, the results were:
| Root: | under-active | (-19%) |
| Sacral: | under-active | (-31%) |
| Navel: | under-active | (-56%) |
| Heart: | under-active | (-31%) |
| Throat: | open | (13%) |
| Third Eye: | over-active | (81%) |
| Crown: | open | (56%) |
----------------------------
Later: 10:20pm.
It feels like a million years since I wrote that this morning. I had to leave that place as the computers were unstable. I went next door to Rose for a coffee and fruit salad, but the woman barked at me that she didn't have time to cut fruit when she was alone... although there were actually four of them.
I remember going there the first time I was here, twelve years ago. Funny. I remember all sorts of things about here. The day I originally went to Rose, I remember that I was walking down the street silently chanting affirmations which I had originally composed in Perth. I stopped in Rose, but they were really busy with a Korean tour group. I waited until they left but no one came and served me. I went out and saw a ladyboy just walking down the street, but completely dressed as a woman. I'd seen them before, but not full cross-dressing in the normal course of a day, and so WOW man, what a memory. I walk about here and am shocked at what comes back to me.
So, I have to do the Nong Khai retrospective. I had, as usual, done quite a bit of research before I got there. I left the bus station and had a printed map with me, but wasn't sure which bus station I was at, and so just walked, but eventually got my bearings and found the place I was looking for. It was a bungalow place, but the people were creepos and there was no shade. Next day I walked out and looked at Pantawee, and ended up staying there for the whole time, like three weeks or something. I liked it because it was impersonal and had daily service.
I needed to get into Nationwide, i.e. the bank, so I tried to log on but it wasn't allowed. So I tried another place and again it wouldn't work, and then I was locked out. So, I was in another cybercafe by then, and they sat laughing at me while they ripped me off big time on a call. I should have researched how much it would cost. This was how I ended up basically spending two days with this woman in the other cybercafe. Anyway, I ended up with a SIM and then had to subscribe to a voip service. This didn't register me even though I'd paid, and when I phoned, they asked for a copy of my credit card to be emailed to them. What actually happened was that the browser window had closed too soon and so I hadn't paid at all and he thought I was asking for credit. But that wasn't clear. Of course, I was locked out of the bank account, and so I couldn't actually check, so I risked it and paid 'again', and then could make calls.
I had called A. a few times but we kept getting cut off as I only had a few minutes as I was using normal call cards. She seemed really frustrated, thought I explained about the banking problems.
Next day I went over to this English place at the end of the river past the market. It was a horrible place, but it had a nice toilet. They played radio two in the day and the owner was English. The food was really badly done and people used to send it back. Anyway, I went there and phoned Nationwide and this is how it got sorted out, kind of. The reason I couldn't log in was that my account had been locked because they had sent me a letter and it had been put back in the postbox as 'not at this address'. So it had been delivered to flat 4 no 5 instead of No 4, as sometimes happens, and this had caused them to lock my account. So now I would have to wait a week until I signed in again.
Or so I thought; this was how it was explained to me. But really, what they meant was, try and reregister now, then we'll send you a new pin within a week. So it all took twice as long.
I should mention in the middle of all this that in my astrology chart at the minute, Pluto is squaring the moon and pluto, basically for the whole of November, so I should have expected a bit of trouble. It, Pluto that is, has fairly recently gone direct, and so I'm guessing that it was an influence under which M. died. This caused me some concern when I heard of A's continuing health problems.
Anyway, to continue... after all this time, I just managed to get in today.
Nong Khai generally was a lot of fun. There was a Tesco lotus, so I went up and bought a load of new clothes. I used to relax with a coffee there also. I also tried two Australasian places in town but they weren't good. I picked up yet another virus on the camera and usb which has caused me a lot of problems. I used to have a nice sit by the river sometimes, just underneath these roofs. Also, as I was there a fair while, I did two pieces of magic in the Mekong, though one was in a wat.
There was a place called Meeting Place where I went most nights. I got really sick of Western food and yearned for Thai in a way, but there weren't a lot of English menus. The waitresses were really flirty there, which could be irritating, but the food was OK. Thier dog was called Vodka, and it used to jump up and almost pull down my loosish cut-off, new ones from Tesco that is.
There was another place called OJ's. They only had a few vegetarian things, but of those few things, they did them well. I was there my last night on Sangha night, where, if I was in UK it would have been time to go to Throssel and take the precepts, but in Nong Khai it's when they put lots of floating lights on the river. I was invited to take part, but was too ill with leg pain flare-up on that day.
The nicest place to sit was on the terrace at Pantawee itself, very lah-de-dah it was, quiet music in the background. Only one vegetarian dish, but they did it very well.
I eventually could phone A for as long as she wanted. She'd tried to phone me numerous times but could never do it, it was the same with the two numbers I gave her in Laos. I knew it must be her doing something wrong. Eventually, we spoke, and she was just about to go into hospital.
Wednesday 28th November 2007
Chiang Mai, North Thailand
Just spoke to her on the phone; not sounding good -- but I'll continue the story.
She'd been ill, and then a bit better until this thing with the university application. Then there were the communication problems. When I finally got this sim a doctor had said that she was anemic and they didn't know why. So, because there was other problems, she would be going into hospital for three weeks. It didn't sound great and as usual she was full of finality.
A few days later, I got a text from Carly, my niece. It said she was going to give me the contact details as soon as she has them. A few days later I got a number. I phoned but the line was really bad and I was told to phone back another time. It wasn't the voip though, this company I use are tiptop and to a landline, it's fine. So, anyway, next day I did get her and she sounded OK. We spoke twice. The story kept changing but they said she might be out... which was what they kept saying about mother.
I had to leave at this point, mainly because my visa isn't going to last forever, so I got a flight to Chiang Mai as I said. Leaving went OK, I had a car to a limousine service, which turned out to be a minibus. But it was full so I ended up in private car with an older woman who sounded American but was going home to New Zealand. We chatted for the hour it took to get there. I was early of course, so I I hung about and listened to Buddhist podcasts.
I listened to Zencast during the flight and it was very comfortable. I'd had my leg raised for most of the previous night and I could really tell the difference. At baggage claim, I got some free maps and paid for a car to the main Thae Phai gate. There was a festival on and so it was horrible. There were fireworks going off as I traipsed about.
Believe this or not, but when I finally saw a likely looking place, it wasn't until I was inside that I realised that it was Chiang Mai Holiday Guest House, which was the place I bolted to twelve years ago just after leaving J. It was also the place where I lay unconscious on the floor due to food poisoning and where I received the first of J's post and the postcard from her sister.
This time, I was snarled at by their dogs and was told it was full. It seemed a lot smaller than I remembered it.
Then the same thing happened again. The second place I asked at was called Lanna, and I realised that it was the first place I had ever come to, being dropped off by a bus from Bangkok. Back then I didn't stay as I felt pressured. This time he wanted 500B, so again, I walked off.
I kept going, past all these processions and fireworks. I ended up in a proper hotel. She showed me a room, looked perfect, I thought 250B but now 500B because of the festival. So I got showed another one and accepted it. I checked in, then was told I had to pay the same in deposit, which is rubbish because there was nothing in there to break and I'd just paid 100 deposit in mid-range Pantawee.
So I walked out. I kept going and ended up in DK House, in a 'special' room, which means 30B more than the posted price, but it's OK because... I was tired. The bed's rock hard, but I settled in anyway. I went out and ate three separate dishes, which is first thing I'd eaten that day.
I just went walking one day. Well, the first day. I saw a place selling little Buddhist lockets like Suntaree used to have; I always wanted one and almost got one off ebay, but never saw the one I liked. I'm going to choose one, perhaps tomorrow.
I had my usual couple of days computing issues, but yesterday found a fantastic place. I did six hours in two stretches yesterday and and back for number seven now. Actually in a different place but I can see that it has the same sign and same computers.
I phoned A. two days ago. She talked constantly for an hour and fifty minutes, mainly about her health, but she was at home. This really isn't sounding good. They still don't know what's wrong and she says she gets very confused. At one point I was just asking some nothing question, to be polite; I think she'd said that there were barely any staff there at the hospital, but then later that there were so many consultants that they don't even know each others names. So I asked and she lost her temper and accused me of deliberately trying to confuse her. It was so out of character. Well, there's this, plus she keeps complaining of being confused.
This was all on the first night. Of course, this is my bolt-hole from Junko, so I was sentimental and dreamy I suppose. The local people had kind of person-sized structures like balloons made from thin paper, which had a lamp lit up under it and the warm air made it rise into the sky. I'd seen one in Vientiane, in the sky, though at the time I hadn't known what it was, I just remember looking at the at first erratic, and then impossible, behaviour of a star.
But here on my first night back, there were millions of these things rising up into the sky. I thought how I used to look up at the stars when I was first here and think of J. and now all these people are making their own stars.
The whole place is symbolic to me. It's changed so much it's almost a metaphor, it's changed like J will have. As well as being sentimental to the point of it hurting me, I've also been bombarded with ideas, which I have to keep writing down. I keep writing things down anyway, always, but not as much as since I've been here.
But I get pulled back into this sometimes anyhow. Before I left Nong Khai, I got a book called 'Gifts of the Spirit'. As I read, it was making a point about mindfulness, and said how the practice can make one feel like a lifetime is being lived in a moment. To illustrate the point, it quoted the 'world in a grain of sand', quote from William Blake, which J wrote for me, in 97, so long after I knew her, and it suddenly occurred to me what she might have meant. That I could have got that possible meaning so long after, it was like she had just said it to me and I doubled up almost in pain with yearning. That feeling lasted for a day. I had to get dressed again when it first happened and go and sit on Pantawee terrace as I couldn't be alone.
Insane.
Well, I was back in the same bookshop on Sangha day choosing another. There was one by DT Suzuki, which had the same quote; I took that as a sign and bought it even though I don't really know what it's about yet.
Carly texted my bank password to me finally, YES, and I'm back in black baby (something I can write rather than say in a convincing way).
I just phoned A again today. She just started talking again, and it would have gone on forever but I had to stop it because of my credit. Anyway, it sounds very bad. Apparently Carly mentioned to her that she's become very aggressive to people. A had no idea and started saying something like, she had no idea that she was in a dark back room and she had to come forward to a room of light. She was using metaphor, but that kind of speaking is wholly and totally out of character for her. Also, she says how she get's confused sometimes. I don't mean forgetful. She watches TV for example, but then gets confused and thinks that the characters from the TV have actually visited her and she's conversed with them, and only realises that it's not so when someone corrects her.
That's bad isn't it? Very bad indeed. Unless there's some kind of swelling around the brain, which was M's first symptom, then it certainly seems like dementia? Then again I'm no doctor (other than the way in which we're all doctors I suppose). I can't really go into this right now, mainly because I don't fully know the situation; I can just tell that it's all changed and it isn't good.
As for me and my plans. I had planned to go up to Chiang Rai to see the woman I phoned from Vientiane (where I phoned her from I mean) and she can sell me the boat to Jinghong, where I can fly to Kunming. I should have just flown from Vientiane, but I didn't know that Banna has no rail network, and so this is just how it's worked out.
The only thing is that it's getting very cold here at night, and cold always gets me down (and hurts my legs). I think perhaps better to stay south... but I have no passport pages left at all. I could fly straight to Xian but that's even further north. I could, possibly, go to Chiang Rai and then do a visa run to Burma, and have another couple of weeks here? With the amount of work I got done today, I should have come before.
But I have to think how long I'll get in China as I have to fly back to UK at some point, or at least that's the general idea anyway. But if Kunming is going to be too cold to enjoy? I don't know? Perhaps here until Jan or something? I just don't know. I shall phone the Gin lady (hard G sound, and her name's pronounced like Julie) tomorrow, plus get some other bits of info. Don't know, the plans not clear yet.
Look how much I get done here; the diaries actually up to date!
Date 1st December 2007
Chiang Rai, North Thailand.
I put my bags in storage in the hotel for a few days. It was OK I suppose. I had to come and do a visa run. I'm going to Burma for the day tomorrow. It's been really awkward as I've been ill leg-wise, a mixture of getting to fat and the weather getting colder. I just checked in a horrible place, really uncomfortable, and it's a bit of a downer, but hopefully if all goes well tomorrow, then I'll get another 30 days and that takes the heat off me a bit.
Ugh.
Date Wednesday ?5th December 2007
Back, and very happy indeed to be so. I'm waiting for a really slow upload so I thought I'd type a bit. Everything is good. I went up to Chaing Rai as I mentioned. I kept putting it off. Right up until the last minute I was planning to stay at Chiang Saen to see about this ticket to China, but I wasn't looking forward to it. One, it got very cold here in Chiang Mai and I thought about the snow (possible) in my eventual destination of Kunming, and just thought, no, I don't want that. Plus, I've had a real work spurt. I've found a computer that lets me do everything I want to and crashes rarely, and all in English (not the crashes). This is rare. I'm doing eight hour days. It has a toilet. I'm sorting out the pictures of the diaries I took the first time in UK, I'm sorting out the new web-site. I'm about to start doing the diagrams. Really convenient.
So I got off the bus in Chiang Rai. I had been very ill indeed with my leg. All my weight came back and I could barely walk. I limped over to a restaurant and had a fetta-filled Greek salad, great when fat is causing the problem, and ate, then just went looking for a hotel. I ended up in an unpleasent one. Next day I had to do the run. So I went down looking for somewhere to eat in the morning but there was nowhere, so I got on the bus. Luckily I was on the back seat with the monks as it was a battered old local one and the conductor wouldn't give me change. It was only for just over an hour.
Anyway, I kept going. We stopped at Mae Sai bus station, but it was deserted. I eventually found out how to get a Songthaw (basically, there's a big sign in English, doh!), and got into town. I walked over to immigration. The guy stamped me out and I told him that I was intending to come back but he just ignored me.
I walked over to the Burmese side. I had to pay 500Baht, or ten US, and paid bath and lost a couple of hundred. They gave me a pass for the day. I went over and just stood on this road at the end and realised that there was nothing there. So, I walked back to the market and there were people selling smokes, I got it to 250 from 300, but by the time I was leaving, it was 100, which made me suspicious.
I tried to eat in a restaurant but they couldn't understand me. I thought, well, there's nothing here. So, I turned round and left, after just ten minutes. I'd been a bit nervous, but I just went straight in immigration and got another month.
I walked out and ended up in a restaurant and had a fantastic spicy salad and pad thai, then got the song-thaw back to the station. I had to wait for an hour and was reading a book by DT Suzuki, and realised that I don't really like it, then got on the luxury bus.
I was on with this guy of about 55 called Peter from Colarado. We chatted about Thailand and he seemed really sensible. He told me that he had met a Thai woman online on a website called 'Thai Love Links'. He showed me a picture and she looked about twenty. He was all soppy about her and said that his life had turned into a whirlwind of emotion. She phoned twice during the trip and he sounded like a teenager! Still, if they're both happy I suppose.
It was pure joy to finally get back. I went to The Wall restaurant and ate too much to celebrate, and basically have been working me ass off since then (though I do love it as I'm actually getting somewhere now).
I kind of want to put up a new and revamped website, with a new domain. I'm doing new sites that are based on, well, what they've always been based on, spirituality and happiness, but I've got pictorial ideas, and new writing, a whole different directions. I've been doing notes for the whole years, I need to put all this as outlines ready for writing.
But I'll say about it another time, my upload finished, so I'm off for a drink (non-alcoholic of course).
Date: Thursday 6th December 2007
Bought more phone credit and spoke to A last night. It really isn't looking (or sounding I should say) very good at all. She barely made any sense. She spoke for an hour and forty minutes, and started with an apology for rambling the last time, but then forgot. She was saying how she's better, and she has coloured pens to write tasks, and she dials a number to see when she's managed a task, and she was doing this and that and everyone has been given a colour and what day is it today and it's dark outside, when did it get dark, and geoff is pink and if she phones a number and they say it's the wrong number for geoff, then she knows she didn't do it and people should really remind her to do it anyway paul was fixing the tv and she kept going back to the cup of tea she was dying for and then to the doctor by herself just because people thought she couldn't do it and she knew she could get it all done but she was dying for the tea and wouldn't go back to it until she'd done it...
I started the call just after eating in the restaurant, and was home, been on the balcony, got ready for bed, cleaned my teeth, she just went on without a break.
She's gone, in essence.
Later
Another thing I recall. She did make sense when she was talking to G. She related a conversation, in all seriousness, saying that she had said to him something like, 'I want you to remind me that I don't like Louise. I know I wouldn't usually say that, but I don't, and if you periodically remind me that I don't, then it helps me to remember who she is'.
This is his wife she was talking about.
---
I felt quite strange today. I'm in a lot of pain physically. I'm not sure if it's because me weight increased too much, or the bed it too hard, or it's too cold, or a combination of all these things? I did a lot of work, almost an eight hour day again, just at the computer, disregarding other tasks elsewhere.
But there's some kind of feeling of unreality also. Like I'm dreaming. I get this every now and again, and always have, but now it's most of the time and has been that way for over a year perhaps? Perhaps it's to do with my spiritual practice. I try and be mindful all of the time, and perhaps seeing life as an empty dream is actually being close to reality... where life is nothing but an empty dream?
I don't know. There's always the possibility that it really is the medication. I was irritated a bit earlier that no one ever tells me what's going on. It reminds me when I went to see M. in the hospital the time before last or the time when she was drugged up and no one warns me. OK fair enough, I don't actually know anyone I suppose, and perhaps no one's talking about it until there's a proper diagnosis.
I suppose the unreality is being wholly alone in the world. If she never makes sense again, then it's finally happened, and I know absolutely no one at all. Not even Mian now I fear. She went to Medan in November and invited me down, and I said no and I haven't heard from her since. I did seriously consider it though, as she first brought it up when the photo had been found and I was having all those issues.
Actually, perhaps it, the sense of dreaming, is the change in the way I feel about J. Perhaps my romantic obsession kept me feeling real all the time? There has been a real change. Mainly two things. One, I look at things a bit more objectively now. I keep remembering negative things that I haven't for a decade. At the end of it all, she did choose someone else. OK, she was damaged, someone had just hurt her... but, Johnnybaby, she chose someone else. Secondly, if we met up, then what? I don't live anywhere and don't have a plan to. I have all the symptoms of AVPD, and thus no noone and will likely never speak again to anyone bar the odd person I happen to be sharing a bus seat or train seat or plane seat.
God I don't know.
Thing is, I'm having a really creative streak and getting back in focus with everything I wanted to do writing wise.
Funny enit?
Saturday December 8th 2007
Chiang Mai, Thailand
8:50pm
Very strange conversation this morning. The owner came and said he wanted to talk to me alone. I thought it was going to be about putting the price up for Christmas, but it was a long spiel about having a first wife and second wife and trouble this and that, and basically, can I lend him 10,000 baht until next month. Way, way out of order, so I said no. I don't know why he asked me... perhaps I'm the only long-termer. He was nice enough when I said no, but he's just managing the place, for a policeman, and now I'm paranoid.
I'm still uploading all of the diaries. I mean the diaries I kept since 1987, and photographed in UK before being forced to destroy them. It's strange, to look back at something I wrote so long ago. Looking to that first one, it's quite clear how much a negative influence my sister was, and tries to be even now, but that's NPD I suppose. She was always telling me to rebel and drop out.
I remember the second time I left England. I had just got a credit card with 10,000 pounds sterling on, I mean that much credit, which of course I never used, but she really pushed me to go mad and spend it all, saying that's the best thing to do if I'm going to leave the country and be abroad pretty much permanently.
I also remember seeing her the second time from last, she was wrecked and told me that really M. didn't like me and I had no friends at all and I had no family and she has this perfect family and M tried to ruin her life but she couldn't, M. only ruined my life blah blah blah. I think she has no idea how she looks to a rational adult being like this, but like this she is. I'm well shot, of everyone basically.
Last time I saw her, St. Patrick's day, she'd just been suspended from work for being a bully!
Anyway, present moment here in Thailand. I was having to download all these copied diaries from Lulu.com, and it's so slow, so I thought, I'll put a couple of files on my 2gb pen drive, free the space up, and store the files there. I had the cd made on this drive. I used it for about a year with no problems. When the cd was made, he yanked it out like it was just, well, what it was: something he couldn't care less about, and it's broken completely. Doesn't work. I had the CD made, but that was just the A level books I copied in England. But all the work I'd done on the new website (to go online next year) is just inaccessible. God's sake. He's sitting behind me now. I never told him it broke; what's the point, he didn't do it on purpose. I recall the first time I was in Chiang Mai, it was here that the last pictures of Junko were spoilt be the processor.
When you want to rely on someone you can rely on yourself.
Though, that a typical Avpd thing to say.
Believe this or not, but I spend much of my days in joy now. I'm not sure why, I think it might be a permanent change after the surrender in Vietnam I wake up early, about seven, naturally. I feel, great, I say the Kesa verse, I feel grateful for my life, I light my insense and walk happily to work and enjoy the things that happen to me. I'm very happy, overall, and rarely have I ever said that.
Date: Friday 14th December 2007
Location: Lanna House, 267 Tha Pae Rd., T.Chang Klan, Muang, Chiang Mai 50100 , North Thailand
Ah, it was a good day; I get so much done nowadays. I wake up about seven in the morning, and really do, generally, live joyful days.
It's like there's a millstone slipping off my neck.
It's not all good, of course. Sometimes I'm just a tad down, but I think, look, you're not in Finchley now. You got out. You're not living a kind of life according to G's advice. You broke free of all Y's stupidness. If you ever really don't like it, just go back, and then I cheer up immediately.
I walked kilometers recently. Yesterday I went up to carefore, the French supermarket chain. I reckon I went five kilometers as I had to walk along to the next highway exit.
Something I thought earlier. Well, it wasn't really earlier. It was a while ago and it came back today and I had the presence of mind to make a note (though I constantly make notes about all sorts of ongoing projects (I'm a hive of creativity within (honestly))). One of the (myriad) of things I don't like about England is the people. Obviously you musn't generalise, or I should say 'one' shouldn't generalise (why do people always say they shouldn't do something just before they do so (one shouldn't speak ill of the dead, is ALWAYS a prefix for speaking ill of the dead (why can't one speak ill of the dead, surely they matter less then living people?). God man, stop whittering! I was thinking about England. Not everyone, but there you often come across a kind of person, a vile kind of person, whom if they were secretly filmed for a week and then the film shown to a psychiatrist, they would be diagnosed at best, as having a personality disorder. They often have positions of mild power. They are habituated game-players, sadists, experts at sarcasm, blame others for their own minor transgressions, but do so vehemently or aggressively. It's like they read a book about psychology and mind-control with the express purpose of winding everyone up or always being right.
Of course, they haven't really read any book about psychology; that's not where they got their techniques. They learnt them in childhood. One very common kind of person you meet in England is what is referred to colloquially as a 'wind-up merchant'. Basically, they're drama queens. It's not always that they create situations which they are the centre of, but their purpose in life is to get a reaction from other people. They're the smirking assistants closing the shop doors early when they think you're desperate to get in for some reason. They're the policeman telling you a road is closed. They're the landlord saying you're laughing too loud.
You can always spot them because they repeat and recycle what they're saying when there's no need. For example, you sit down in a church garden and it's closing. They come and say, sorry, it's closing. OK, no problem, pack up and go. But they stand there and watch every move, waiting for the slightest hint that it might have irritated you. If they see it, they give a 'this is final and that's it' speech, about why it has to close and it's the same for everyone, even though you didn't argue and have only smiled.
Yes, that's it; they're a nation of wind-up merchants.
But you know the psychological explanation for someone who needs to keep getting a reaction from the people around them don't you? It comes from being ignored as a child and made to feel insignificant. This is certainly the way I always felt, and I think most people who grow up in England generally feel that way. Even if the parents are OK, there's going to be this kind of treatment from the schooling system.
Anyway, what occurred to me recently was the link, between a nation of distant and cruel parents, and adult personality disorders being almost the norm.
They're the worst parents in the world. It's a cycle. Parents make their children into parents in a cycle of sadism and sadness.
I remember some insignificant event once, actually outside BHS, though it comes to mind now (I think it might be somehow possible that I've NEVER forgotten any single thing that's happened to me. Anyway, there was some child of about five whining about something. The thing I noticed was the look on his relatively young father's face, a knowing look of arrogance and smugness. As I passed I heard the child crying and whining exasperatedly, 'I'm not tired'.
Yes, that's a truth isn't it. There's an unwritten rule. In England, when a child does something you don't want, start saying they're tired to manipulate then to do what you'd like so that they will try and avoid bed, thinking their behaviour or request is being misinterpreted as tiredness. But of course, children who are tired just sleep. Adults who say that know it's not tiredness that causes them to run around or keep asking for things, it's the age itself.
Of course a straight request or answer, like no or keep still is out the question. It's not just that, I mean, by saying, 'look, he keeps asking for food, he must be tired, yes, that's it, he keeps asking for food he must want to go to bed', whether it works or not, the adult saying it feels clever. They're better than the child. They can get them to do what they want by playing a trick on them, and then smile and be all-powerful and clever as the adult is so obviously better than the child and in control and has the power. It's the sadism of it all.
Like this guy, glanced in a moment outside bhs and coming back now for some reason. At some point, some adult didn't speak straight to him, but was arrogant and all knowing and maniuplative. And now he does that same. This was all quite some time ago now, so it won't be so long until that once boy will have his own children to do the same.
Bah, a nation of sadists they are.
But I'm here. I got out my lovely! I spent all this money abroad. Not a penny in income tax, and my days are starting to fill with joy.
Perhaps I shouldn't say it as it's not all great.
I got a text on Sunday. I was at the computer. It was from Carly. A. has been taken into hospital unexpectedly but not to worry.
I texted straight back from Skype. C apparently changed her number recently because of all the junk calls. It made me worry it was because of Skype? Because the number she texted me from was the same as it always was. Anyway, she basically said that she was worried about her state of mind, and that she was scheduled for a brain scan the next day (last monday) and not to worry. I texted OK, don't text unless there's definite news, as it's expensive for her. Since then I've heard nothing... so not really sure what to think about it all though.
---
Did I ever mention my 'letting go mandala'? It's a new spiritual practice I devised. I don't recall where I came up with it, but I do recall working on it in Laos.
It really seems to be working well. I must write it up when I can.
Better go.
Date: Wednesday 19th December 2007
9.30pm Chiang Mai, North Thailand
Gets worse. I got another text. It turns out she had a stroke, but no one knows when. She was staying in hospital but was in a confused state of mind, being unreasonable and refusing medication. I got another text a few days later that she seemed 'calmer', though this obviously implies she ... wasn't calm, though I don't know in what way.
I phoned the hospital last Sunday. She had been in Hawthorne ward, but she was, by then, moved to Spencer ward. When I call with voip it's OK as far as the switchboard, but the line going in is always terrible. Anyway, I just asked how she was and they said fine. That's it, no other info. So I have no idea how long she will stay there; it could be permanently and it's not suitable for her to live alone again. They think the confusion might lift, but they don't know. I just think, you know, I don't know. Does it make a lot of difference to me I suppose. I wake, write, think of J all day, I don't know what else to say.
I wonder what she did with the photo?
Maybe it's all my fault from the turn she had when I was trying to get the university thing sorted out; it was just too much stress for her?
I got new webspace. So far, it's looking pretty good, 2gb, ad-free and ftp upload for the free account. Not only that but they give you a free dot com if your site is good enough. I'm just finishing moving the diaries, or mirroring then I should say.
I went over to the Thai shopping centre today; I didn't really need anything. I just had enough of it around here. Every day the same sights and the same few restaurants; yes, I'm having enough -- although generally I do get a lot done each day. I was going to do the visa run to Burma one more time, though I'm not so sure about it now; perhaps I should just go. My options are up on the boat to Jinghong, or fly to Xian, Shenzen or Hong Kong. I've got to time it right to be in the UK at the right time.
I really, really don't want to go back. I'd have to be there for two weeks at least while I apply for a passport, then apply OU. I want to get a scanner and bring it back, and scan the last of the negatives. I want J to have the keepsakes from Australia. Basically, I need to own nothing. Also, the coins are there. Plus, I have a passbook account with the bank that I can only access personally. I did ask but they gave me the wrong information.
I could just pay more and have the passport express. I might well do that if it's not too much, just so I can go; it would be cheaper than staying in the UK too long... then again, there are a few things I need to do. But where will I live? Should I go up to the Zen temple? My consolation is that it can, if I take my last possessions, be my definite last visit ever -- and there's a thought that makes me happy.
I've just checked the UK passport office site. It's 72 pounds for two week not guaranteed, or 92 for one week guaranteed. Sounds pretty good... but perhaps I'd have to go to the passport place itself?
I felt really down today. I haven't taken the St. John's Wort for a few days; I think it really makes a difference.
Friday 21st December 2007
Chiang Mai, Thailand 9:52pm
I was just thinking earlier how my experience on this trip... or any trip really, ties in with my astrocartography chart. In China I did loads of study and work, and my Saturn line goes through there. Coming through Nam, Cambodia and Laos the Moon rules and the picture was found and I worked through all that. Now I'm directly under a sun line, and spend all my time working on the website and marketing.
I went over Tescos today. Yesterday I went to Watsons in this shopping centre. There were some supplements I wanted so I went and asked a 'pharmacist' what was in them, and she just tried to sell me a bigger pack of something similar, and lied about what was actually written on the label in English. Anyway, I went to Tesco's today. Went with five things in mind, but ended up with one, which is better than nothing.
It's nice to have long walks and go somewhere different each day; I always find my walking route wherever I am Now it's up to the other shopping centre.
Times out, I'll write later, well, another day. Nice to say hello. Hopefully I'm finally sorting out the diary and its new home once and for all. Nice to have our 'special' relationship back, eh? Did you miss me, huh, didya? huh? didya? didya?
Date: Thursday 27th December 2007
Chiang Mai, North Thailand. 9:30pm
Just ended up on CNN by chance and saw Bhutto was killed in Pakistan; what's wrong with people?
I wanted to mention, very briefly, as I can't remember if I did; that in 1997 Junko sent me the 'world in a grain of sand poem', and I came across it in a book called 'Gifts of Spirit', in Nong Khai and suddenly realised what she might have meant by it, and basically went on a downer for a few days; it was like she had just said it to me as I had only just understood it.
---
Anyway, enough of that, straight into the self-pity!
Christmas came and went. I phoned the hospital a couple of days before but she'd been moved, and the people at the new ward, Victoria, were unpleasant, or perhaps that was communication problems and I misunderstood. Everytime I phone there the line is barely usable past the switchboard, so there's too much copper-wiring, which is frustrating a bit I guess, but perhaps not. If she's unable to speak now, or at least coherently, then I suppose, what difference would it make? Even if the line was perfect, they wouldn't give me any information over the phone, so it just is no difference at all.
So, this year was the first Christmas that I spoke to absolutely no one. It's OK, as I never really celebrated anyway. There was a drunken guy called Peter in 7-11 on the way home who introduced himself, but that was it. The woman in the cybercafe said Merry Christmas. I think that's it. Oh, that awful scots guy I met in Laos with a mouth like a toilet, he was at Starbucks today. Luckily he didn't recognise me. Actually, I can tell you who he is as I still have a business card.
Nope. Lost the business card! Anyway, I recall (I think) he's called Roger, and his company here is called Lana International.
Visas out on the 31st. Not defo, but likely I'll renew at Burma the day after tomorrow, try and stay at Gins over New Year, come back for a couple of weeks and continue working, then take Gin's boat to China. That might just work out spacewise (passport space wise).
One thing, Christmas day I was on the LP Message Board and the Esus Eee Pc was mentioned. Never heard of it, but it turned out to be possibly perfect for me. That night, by pure chance, I saw someone using one. Now I'm pretty excited about possibly owning one
Time Ran Out
Date: 31st December 2007
Location: Ken Internet, Chiang Rai, North Thailand.
Time: 11:20am
Ken, ken, ken, everyone was called Ken where J and I were staying at Perth Travellers Lodge.
I got this from Coca Cola
Dear John,
Congratulations, your message will be shown on the Piccadilly sign, in Piccadilly Circus on
29 December 2007 between
09:15 and 09:30.
If you can't get to Piccadilly Circus in London at this time, you can watch it live online at:
www.coca-cola.co.uk
Wow, it was a New Year message to J of course. To think that it was shown on those Picadilly lights where I used to gaze up as a teenager, then live just near on returning to UK after a decade abroad.
Maybe she'll get to hear of it. Probably not, but you never know!
--
Much is that English are worst parents in the world, a nation of teased teasers.
Goodbye Cruel England
To my constant companions of 30 years.
To the people who were in chage of schooling me, given the charge of encouraging me, building my self-esteem, self-belief, but who actually spent all their time sadistically belittling me, putting me down and telling me that I'm worthless, somehow thinking that their job was to make all childhoods as miserable as possible as it will make a responsible well adjusted adult and somehow be character building.
To the 'professionals' who were given the charge of protecting my health and teaching me good living habits, but actually spent their time bluffing all powerfulness, putting me down and stealing tax payers money with unnecessary medicine.
To 'friends' who could have supported me, thought about me and made me feel good about me, but who actually just took what they wanted from me and disappeared when I had nothing left they wanted, who just talked about themselves and got me to agree they are better than everyone else.
To the acquaintances who could have said something positive about the present moment we were in, but who actually robbed me of my pure awareness while they divided the human world into groups and then gleefully explained why all the groups they belong to are not only the most downtrodden, but ironically, they are also secretly better that all the other groups, and I had to stop being aware of the focus and taste of coffee always passing reality and agreeing with them and give then their superior sense of self and hating me for not being downtrodden or secretly better than everyone else.
To all the people I encounter who's job it was to serve me or give me advice or provide some service, but who were actually having a bad day and took it all out on me with sarcasm, mind-games, put downs and arrogance.
To the police force who;s job it is to protect me bot who reluctantly gave me a 'lost photo card' when I was attacked in the street rather than ask me what happened. To the policeman who stopped and searched me because my skin colour is the same as Arabs.
To the sadistic lunatics in the news who've shot, attacked mutilated killed, and all the sadistic wannabe lunatics who want to spend all their time talking about the actual lunatics.
It's been interesting knowing you all this time, but I'm going to say goodbye. I'm sorry if somehow your consciousness has lived in my mind somehow and that's why you're repeating, again and again, taking all my concentration and happiness, days, months and years after I've known you.
I've decided to be grateful. I'm happy I've enough money for now, my health is OK today and my moment it good.
Date: 1st January 2008
Location: Main Road, Chiang Rai, North Thailand
Time: 7:40pm
I did the visa run the day before yesterday, all no problems, and the intention, and indeed fact was to go up to Chiang Saen and see about getting a boat ticket to China, which was indeed what I did.
Anyway, to start from where I was. I woke up one day and went up for my coffee. There was a Japanese guy there, so we chatted. I didn't get his name, though he was a year younger than me; I'd clocked his age as about 22, but that's East Asians for you.
His English was good. He was living in Kyoto, where he'd moved to study medicine. He was in the habit of traveling during school holidays. He'd come away with other students ten years younger than him. He'd taken them to Patpong as that's what they'd wanted to see, and they ended up accidentally going with lady boys.
I asked him about disabled people or scarred or different people, as it's something I often wonder about, everyone you see traveling around from Japan is perfect in someway. He didn't know what stigma meant and looked it up on an electronic translator, which all the English speakers have.
Yes, they're stigmatised.
He said the people in Osaka are too friendly, so I'll look forward to that.
He was really sweet and polite. He said that a doctor had told him that smoking wasn't harmful, as long as you use matches and not a lighter.
Anyway, the interesting thing is that, chatting, we worked out that he was in Perth about the same time I was, and had been to Freemantle a lot.
I only saw him once.
Oh, only just realised I didn't write at Christmas. Whatever. I ate at The Wall. Very nice. Better than Finchley last year.
I left a bag in Chiang Mai and did the visa run. I came up here to Chiang Rai on a lovely bus. I went to Tourist Inn and had a good night. Next day I checked out and got the local bus up to Mae Sai. Everywhere was really busy, so I walked straight over the border after being stamped out. This time I spent about an hour there, having taken lunch. I sat on a bench outside a closed shop and had cheese and wholemeal biscuits, then came back. Stamped back into Thailand no problem, but got a leaflet about the 'new' immigration rules, and won't be able to extend again for three months from expiry.
I wasn't sure about where to go; it was the 30th. Mae Sai was so busy I took the songthaw back to the bus station and came back to Chiang Rai. I went to Tourist Inn but it was full, so I went to the horrible place. I actually walked round and asked at a lot of places but they were all full. So I went back to the horrible place where I first ever stayed in Chiang Rai, but the guy gave me a few keys and I got an ugly room but comfortable mattress.
Next day I checked out. I had breakfast on the spur of the moment, in a place in passing, then used the Internet, and got the bus up to Chiang Saen. I ended up on a bigger, comfy bus that was only half full. I listened to podcasts going up and arrived.
Chiang Saen was a a quiet, non-descript place. I sat relaxing on a bench under a tree near a ruined stupa and gave my compass a chance to settle, then walked east to the river, then North to Gins Guest House. It was sign-posed as two kilometers out of town, but it didn't seem it.
I arrived and the son and father were in reception. The young one looked me up and down sizing me up. Then spoke to the father who turned around and did the same thing. It was unwelcoming. Then they called Ju-Li over. She was nicer. I explained I'd phoned months ago from Laos about the boat. Straight away it was all sorted. I'd paid a thousand deposit on the ticket for, I think, the 23rd, and I was in thier last A-frame bungalow for the night.
She cooked me a fantastic spicy egg salad, and I lay down for a bit. I went back to town and ended up checking there was nothing worth seeing around the deserted back-streets. There wasn't. I got cheese, bread, crisps to treat myself, cornflakes and went home. I listened to some ABC All in the Mind, and towards midnight, started chanting with the mala. At midnight, I was seated on the porch of my little house, looking at the stars meditating to the sound of distant fireworks. That reminded me very much of New Year 1995 when I was in Chiang Mai.
I got the bus back and checked into the same dull room with comfy mattress. Then ate at DeVinchi, the very nice Greek Salad. I worked for two hours. Went home, fell asleep, woke up and came to type this.
Year Wrap Up and Start
Achievements of 2007
- Got out of UK
- Surrendered the romantic obsession
- Finished my studies of religion and made the http://lifemagic.zxq.net/growing/rs religious studies website
- Finished my studies of sociology and made the http://lifemagic.zxq.net/growing/soc sociology studies website
- Made a new, centralised and unifying web design
- Moved the diaries
- Moved the archives
- Saw for the first time
- Vietnam
- Cambodia
- Laos
- Burma
- Had the following conversations
- Walter the Dutchman in China 10 mins
- Vietnamese girl traveling in Nha Trang/Saigon 6 hours
- Thai woman in cybercafe Nong Khai three hours over a few days
- Japanese man in Chiang Mai one and a half hours
- English learning male in Yangshou
- English learning waitress in Minority, Yangshou
- Planned a degree
- Signed up for first course (didn't work out but it counts for trying)
- Partly finished or worked on outlines for the projects:
- Strawberries
- The Magic Buddha
- The Drifters Guide to Education
- Buddhist Magic Practice Book
- ZenTramp
- Source DVD
- The Bums Guide to the World (web project)
- Kept the diaries current
- Uploaded various pictures for sale at Lulu
Dharma Willing Plan for 2008
- Start Uni course
- Get at least some uni points
- Get in and out of UK
- At least try and open new bank accounts
- Sell gold
- Get PC
- Learn Linux
- New Name
- New Passport
- European tour if possible without passport
- Possibly ordain if that can work out
- Buy more investments
- Finish and publish Strawberries
- Finish and publish The Magic Buddha
- Finish and publish The Drifters Guide to Education
- 50 publisher submissions
- Make a podcast
- Submit a project to podiobooks
- Make cd of podiobooks project
- Sort out my possessions
- Give the J possessions to J and state intentions
- Scan and archive all negs and slides
- End up with only practical, essential possessions fitting in one bag
I would like to be briefly in and out of UK, then back to HK having my negs with me. I carry on to China, poss Chendu, studying and working from outlines. Down to Thailand for the scanning and archiving if I haven't already done so. Across Indochina for New Year. Hopefully, by then, I'll have passed some study, finished the writing projects. In the following spring, I'll (again, dharma willing) go north and do Japan to solve the J situation, see Korea, then make a decision about staying or traveling the trans-sib in the summer.
This is, again, all dharma-willing, and we'll see how it pans out and if I'm all good with it and if it is, of course, within the bounds of Karma and wisdom energy.
To wrap-up the first entry, I love being here, I love my plans, I'm grateful for being here, being free, surrendering the obsession and starting to feel even freer, and love and feel at ease in the present moment.
Yes. All said and done... I really am happy.
Can you believe that? This was the first year that I didn't actually speak to a soul I know over the festive season; which is OK I knew that was coming. Though bless her, Mian did write on New Years Eve in reply to me!
But yes, I like life. I am grateful. I am happy.
Aaaaahhhhh. At last!
Date: 3rd January 2008
Chiang Mai
2:40pm
Oh God, are these diaries ever going to be sorted out.
Where are the Vientiane entries... did I write nothing in Vientiane.
The whole thing is so disjointed. It all started to fall apart when two things happened last year. One, I ran out of space at the Freespaces host, two, I couldn't get into Blogger in China and Vietnam, so left it and wrote a retrospective. Perhaps it's apt to lay-off for a year to give me a chance, well, no, not give me a chance for anything. What I mean is that it's good to be stringing it together here in Chiang Mai while I've got my routine, work routine, and projects all sorted out, a rough plan of where to go and what to work on and what to try and achieve and I'm just back on track with a new two gig web host. It's just a bit disjointed I suppose. I'll just have to spend a couple of days getting it all in one place online, plus in one place on an SD card, and then I'm done I suppose.
It was a nice new year in the end... well, in the start as well. I spent the evening as last year, listening to Podcasts. My new year resolution not to drink coffee lasted one day. I was absolutely whacked in the afternoon and fell asleep as soon as I sat on the bed, so then my sleeping pattern was out and I couldn't sleep. But I listened to Zencast. There wasn't anything by Gill Fronsdal this year, so I ended up listening to talk about Bodhidharma. The essense was that there's only mind. Which is something I was reading in a book called 'In This Very Life'. Strange. But it was good.
Trip back was no problem at all and I got quite a bit of work done.
I came back and it was really nice. They were happy to see me in the guesthouse. The owner asked if I had a new haircut. He's such a serious person I didn't get he was joking and said I was bald before I left and am bald now. Then I went out. The Wall was closed, as it tends to be at the slightest excuse, so I went to this other place but there was no food. I ended up with Italian. Some people called Happy New Year to me from a bar, I think long-termers. People are starting to pick me out now. I wish I could stay longer, but it's my last visa for now, so that's that then.
Oh, just to get these diaries done.
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